Miscellaneous: Today, as always, my boyfriend has the ability to pop his eyeballs... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Hopkinsville

Today, as always, my boyfriend has the ability to pop his eyeballs out of his eye sockets. He thought it'd be funny for me to wake up face-to-face with the disgusting sight. The shit in my bowels did an early Thanksgiving Day parade straight into my underwear. FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

The smell detective is on the case

Heartless

By rs - Egypt

Today, after watching Hulk with my friends, we spent a good half hour discussing exactly how enlarged Bruce Banner's package would be in his Hulk state. I couldn't hide my excitement, and now my friends won't stop teasing me. FML

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By cathater - United States - Eddington

Stupid cat

Today, as I was getting dressed for my big date, my cat pooped on my only shoes. FML

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By oops - United Kingdom

Today, in a store, an obnoxious woman, swearing loudly and slapping at her out-of-control kids, was disrupting the whole place. I said to the cashier, "That nasty woman should leave the brats at home." She gave me a filthy look and said "Do you mind? That's my sister." FML

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By ali927truthh

Wrong size

Today, when I finally got delivered the new kitchen table that I ordered online a week ago, I found out that it was actually a kitchen table for a dollhouse, as I forgot to check the size. FML

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By Anne - United States

Today, I spoke to my ex again for the first time after our breakup. The first words out of his mouth were, "I love you, so I'm going to have to confess some things in the hopes that my honesty will help us get back together." It didn't, but it does mean I have to get tested now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into a T-Mobile store to get a new phone. I wanted all of my numbers on my new phone, but the customer service rep had to transfer them. He said jokingly, "I understand. You don't want to lose your girlfriend's number." My girlfriend and I broke up two days ago. FML

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By Dan - United Kingdom

Today, I had my leaving party after work to celebrate getting a new job. 3 people turned up. I'd invited 35. FML

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By Lexxxiii - 26/3/2021 11:01

Stuck

Today, my friend informed me that I’m not moving in with him anymore that his sister is taking my place. Unfortunately, I'd finally gathered the money and a car to move out of state with him. Just when I thought I was going to get away from this hellhole, I’m sinking further into never leaving. FML

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By shouldhavestayedinbed - United Kingdom

Today, my doorbell rang while I was still in bed. I leapt out and immediately got a severe cramp in one leg, then, staggering around trying to throw some clothes on, I scraped the other leg badly enough to draw blood. When I got to the door there was nobody there, just a parcel on the doorstep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Columbia City

Heated gaming moment

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house after working a night shift. The door was locked and, so I wouldn't wake his parents, I called him. Twelve times. Each call went to voicemail and I was left standing outside in the freezing rain until he finally let me in. What was he doing? Playing video games. FML

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By 221bcompanion - United States - Massillon

Today, I put more effort into getting and keeping my Sims onto a good sleep schedule in order to properly take care of their needs than I did for myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Smyrna

Today, I was driving back home when I saw a yellow object flying off my roof of my car through the side mirrors. I thought nothing of it, then I noticed that I didn't have my phone with me. That's when I realized that the "flying yellow object" was my phone. FML

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By Brian - United States

Today, my girlfriend wished me a happy birthday. Too bad my birthday isn't for 5 months. She mixed up my birthday with the guy she's been cheating on me with. FML

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By BigSister - United States

Today, my 15 year old sister came home at 4am totally stoned. My parents treated her really nicely and woke me up. I'm now grounded until I go college for being a bad influence. I volunteer at schools to talk about abusing drugs. FML

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By awks - United States - Stuart

Today, I was going through Facebook photos of a pep rally in the hopes that I'd be in at least one of them. I was in one alright. Pulling out a wedgie. FML

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By MyLife

Today, my best friend broke up with her partner. In retaliation, he got drunk and stole my car, then crashed it into a neighbour's house. Then after dealing with the police who didn't arrest him, he and my best friend made up and went to bed. FML

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By james - United Kingdom

Today, whilst reading all 15 pages of this site, my French girlfriend asked me over my shoulder for translations, such as "What is buttsex?", "What is wanking?", and "What means farted?" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2020 04:02 - Japan - Okayama

Can't buy me love

Today, I realized while paying bills on my phone I fat-fingered which credit card I was paying and sent 299 to a paid-off card instead of 200 to another one. Now I'm going to have overdraft fees too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made out with a guy that I had just met at a party. It was my first kiss. I don't know what's worse, the fact that my first kiss is at the age of 23, or the fact that I saw him making out with a different girl later on in the night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me via text message. The sad thing is that I left my fiancée of 5 years to be with a girl I worked with at Walmart. My ex-fiancée is now a doctor. I still work at Walmart. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate hooked up with a guy she met at a party. After telling me about it, she says to me, "Maybe next time we go out we'll hit someone over the head and drag him back here for you." Apparently the only way I can get a guy is if he's unconscious. FML

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By teegtwo - United States

Today, my boyfriend said we can't have sex with the light on anymore. He said he can never finish because the face I make when I orgasm makes him laugh. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 07:58 - United States - Edison

Booze don't cure the blues

Today, it was my birthday, and even the person who seemed excited about me finally turning 21 and can legally drink forgot. Guess who got drunk alone tonight? This guy. FML

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By Realworldred - United States - Scranton

Today, my sister started a full-time job with a good pay despite having no prior work experience and being a college freshman. Meanwhile, I've graduated with two degrees, have been working two jobs for the last five years, and still can't get a full-time position anywhere. FML

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By moe - United States

Today, the man who has been my stepfather for six years, has forgotten how old I am. However, he remembers exactly how much my real father owes him for child support. FML

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By ForgottenSarahMarshall - United States - Aubrey

Today, I was creeping on an old coworker's Facebook and noticed they'd tagged my face in an old group photo as another girl. According to the comments, the girl they'd tagged me as thought it was her too. I worked there for two years and nobody mentioned the mistake. FML

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By loueb17 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 5 year old boy. When I was on the phone with my mom, he called 911 and started to cry. When I got off the phone the police were at the door. It turns out that the "emergency" was that the VCR was not working. FML

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By crazybiotch - Canada

Today, I sent a forward to the ladies at my office. When I scrolled down I noticed my personal emails from my best friend were attached. They go into great detail about the sex I had last night, when I was planning on dumping my boyfriend and that I suspected I had an anal fissure. FML

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By soaked - United States

Today, I stood for half an hour in the rain waiting for my bus. As I started to go inside, my bus turned around the corner and splashed water all over me. The bus driver wouldn't let me on the bus because I was soaking wet and I would "mess up the seats". FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 20:01

Regret…

Today, I searched my ex-boyfriend on Facebook while my husband slept. He recently got engaged. I regret everything. FML

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By annonymous - United States

Today, I was in line at the grocery store with my 3-year-old son. He was holding a tub of yogurt that had on it a cow wearing sunglasses. He shouted, "Mommy, look at the fat cow with the sunglasses on!" To my horror, the obese woman in front of us turned around. She was wearing sunglasses. FML

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By Hate2Date - United States

Today, fifteen minutes after dinner was served, my blind date says "It's good that you're smart. Not to be rude, but most girls aren't. I mean, at some point, I'm going to pull my dick out of your mouth and then it's good if you have something interesting to say." Check please. FML

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By wtf - 20/2/2021 05:01

Polyamory is complicated

Today, I had amazing sex with my new boyfriend. Later, my husband told me I'd betrayed him, even though he had told me it was okay, because he heard it. I’ve been forced to hear to him through the thin walls of our house, having sex with my ex, for almost a year. FML

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By All Dressed Up With No Place To Go - United States - Ashland

Today, I finally lost enough weight to fit into the beautiful dress that I ordered for my senior prom. I graduated from high school in 2010. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 20:02

AT&Twat

Today, I overheard my boyfriend telling his best friend that the only reason he likes to sleep over at my house is for the sex and the fast internet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after months of incredibly painful stomach cramps, I convinced my mom that I needed to see a doctor. Not even 2 minutes into the exam, the doctor tells me that I'm heavily constipated and advised some "prune juice" to help "clear all that shit out". My mom won't stop laughing at me. FML

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By FUSMC - United States

Today, I came home on leave from a 7 month deployment to Iraq. I wanted to see my girlfriend today, but she needed to spend time with her sick grandmother. As it turns out, her sick grandmother and my cousin are the same person. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Maple

Today, I found out that my best friend's psycho ex-girlfriend has been stalking me on social media for the past few months, when she contacted me asking why I was holding hands with him in a picture from over two years ago. FML

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By foops - United Kingdom

Today, my dogs freaked out and started getting violent because they thought the sound of my vibrator was the other's growling. FML

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By reddd - United States

Today, I purposely wore a red shirt to Target just so people would talk to me. FML

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Top comments

By Cazz91 | 21

#5750233 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:43

I bet that was quite an eye catching sight to see.

By DocBastard | 38

#5750249 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:48

You should sell your boyfriend to the circus.

Not because of his crazy eyeball trick, but just so you can get rid of the idiot.

COMMENTS

By Outcheaa | 3

#5750230 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:42

what? that defies the laws of physics...

Reply

mercifulbane | 3

#5750247 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:47

so he scared the shit out of you?

Reply

FreakoHolm | 6

#5750258 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:50

Sounds like a shitty sit...
*gets shot and stabbed repeatably by everyone*

Reply

Cazz91 | 21

#5750265 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:53

^ Well, you did that for yourself. It saves me from getting off my current lazy ass to do it myself. :P

Reply

whaaaaat111 | 6

#5750293 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:08

I know a guy that can flip his eyelids inside out...

By caver1 | 14

#5750231 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:42

Second comment

By Cazz91 | 21

#5750233 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:43

I bet that was quite an eye catching sight to see.

Reply

red225 | 14

#5750316 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:25

You have just won my thumbs up, super creative.

Reply

MaryJaneUSA | 4

#5750339 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:41

That's really not healthy...

Reply

logic368 | 8

#5750426 - Monday 11 November 2013 4:58

Good thing you didn't impulsively give him a black eye!

Reply

8313girl | 28

#5750776 - Monday 11 November 2013 14:43

That's what I would have done seeing that so close to my face lol. I punch first & ask questions later.

Reply

ChevyRedneck85 | 13

#5751001 - Monday 11 November 2013 19:05

I'm laughing entirely too hard at this

Reply

DerpyDerpinator | 15

#6026599 - Sunday 3 August 2014 11:47

I'm sure OP didn't see that coming.

By caver1 | 14

#5750235 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:44

Yea that's weird

Reply

MichellinMan | 20

#5750326 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:31

I'm not sure that's even possible.

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5750390 - Monday 11 November 2013 4:40

Impressive.

Reply

raddybear | 11

#5750402 - Monday 11 November 2013 4:45

And it cannot be good for your health.

By boating_guy | 33

#5750237 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:44

the only guy I know who can do that, can only do it with his fake (glass) eye. but that? that's disgusting, FYL to waking up to that OP

By masterof1 | 7

#5750238 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:44

.............that is weird and cool at the same time..................CALL THE CIRCUS

By tipsy2013 | 24

#5750239 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:45

Would your name happen to be Macy?

Reply

MichellinMan | 20

#5750357 - Monday 11 November 2013 4:06

Your comment matches your name quite well.

By ElizabethNL93 | 20

#5750243 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:46

A boyfriend with a sense of humor is great, but that little trick sounds disgusting.

By DocBastard | 38

#5750249 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:48

You should sell your boyfriend to the circus.

Not because of his crazy eyeball trick, but just so you can get rid of the idiot.

Reply

cakefete2 | 30

#5750308 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:20

Before they bought him, the circus would want to know about OP's return policy.

Reply

Angelic_Author | 16

#5750371 - Monday 11 November 2013 4:28

They'd also want a warranty. You know, in case they break him for being a douche.

By crap_that_sucks | 9

#5750250 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:48

Weird.... But cool