Today, as always, my boyfriend has the ability to pop his eyeballs... - FML

By Anonymous - 10/11/2013 23:27 - United States - Hopkinsville

Today, as always, my boyfriend has the ability to pop his eyeballs out of his eye sockets. He thought it'd be funny for me to wake up face-to-face with the disgusting sight. The shit in my bowels did an early Thanksgiving Day parade straight into my underwear. FML

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Dangling modifier

Rock, hard place

Higher standards

By so much for a good day - 15/7/2011 17:14 - United States

Today, I grinned for five minutes straight because my friends told me it would put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. It gave me a migraine. FML

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By chrono64 - 20/12/2009 02:40 - United States

Today, I found a pair of glasses in my car. I don't wear glasses, and nobody besides myself has been in my car lately. It appears that someone has been sleeping in my car and forgot their glasses. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2011 09:47 - United States

Today, marks the fourth straight night that my girlfriend has screamed and cried in fear, scratching and kicking me in her sleep. The reason? I took her to see Paranormal Activity 3. FML

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By fuckshitcockwaffle - 31/5/2013 14:59 - Australia - Bayswater

Today, while feeding my neighbour's cats, I mistakenly switched up their foods. One has medicated food that causes drowsiness. The healthy cat got knocked out like a log. I panicked, laid him out by the bed, and spilled milk around his head to make it look "natural." I think I'm going to hell. FML

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By A-64 - 8/5/2012 20:48 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, against my wishes, my son snuck out of my house to go partying. When he came home, I called him in so I could properly discipline him. While I was talking, he staggered to our fish tank, pulled open the lid, and vomited straight into it. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, I was about to kiss my girlfriend right as the clock struck midnight for New Year's. She put her hand in front of my mouth, and broke up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 02:02

Higher standards

Today, my mom fought with me again for missing an "important" 4th of July family barbecue. I was working until the morning, finishing grad school applications. There are always family events, and also apparently my brother missing the same barbecue to party with friends is perfectly fine. FML

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By Dartfrogger - 12/2/2015 19:16 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I announced to my friends that my grandmother is dying. My best friend pulled out his phone and casually announced, "Technically, everyone is dying." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 18:30 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, while at the store with my mom and baby brother, a guy started to talk to me. Just as he went to give me his number, my mom handed me my brother and said, "Here's your son, your AA meeting's in an hour, let's go." FML

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By mommy - 17/11/2010 12:09 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day back to work since having my first baby. To show I had caught up on everything, I had to give a presentation at the end of the day to the heads of my department. It went really well until the end, when one of them pointed out that breast-milk had been leaking through my clothes the entire time. FML

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By why? - 12/4/2020 17:00

Unreasonable demands

Today, my close friend who’s always been incredibly vocal about how much she hates children, never wants to be around them or have anything to do with them, stopped speaking to me. She’s incredibly "hurt" that I asked another friend to be my unborn child's godmother instead of her. FML

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By mommydearest - 4/9/2011 16:08 - Denmark

Today, my paranoid wreck of a girlfriend read a text message on my phone from a woman asking if I was coming over for dinner. The woman was my mom. My girlfriend stormed out and hasn't answered my calls all day. FML

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By forgettable - 21/6/2020 20:08

Revenge is rarely satisfactory

Today, I wanted to rub my success in my ex's face to get her back for breaking my heart. I typed the perfect email, included every detail of opening my own business, buying my own home and cleverly intertwined insults. A few hours later, she replied, "That’s nice. Who’s this?" FML

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By Mandi - 28/8/2012 00:09 - United States - Cary

Today, I found out why my District Manager won't promote me to store manager; his wife thinks he's having an affair with me. If he promotes me, she will take that as evidence of the affair, and then will threaten to divorce him. FML

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By rositaleigh - 1/7/2019 00:06

Dad jokes FTW!

Today, my father and I were out in town when a lady walked up and commented on what a great looking couple we were. My dad puts his arm around me and says "Thank you! We've been together for 17 years." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2012 04:47 - United States - Norwalk

Today, my thirteen-year-old daughter tried to scratch the freckles off of her face. We ended up going to the hospital. FML

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By dusk - 5/1/2012 08:09 - United States

Today, I won a lifetime supply of pineapples. One problem, I'm allergic to pineapples. FML

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By whymyliferose - 3/6/2011 04:47 - United States

Today, my boss's cat died. I'm expected to attend the service. FML

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By heshay - 28/10/2010 04:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was seated in my section at work. As he sees me his face drops... he's on a date. He had forgotten I work there. I had to serve him and his date, and they didn't leave a tip. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2014 20:23

Today, I fell asleep with my luggage at a bus terminal. Upon waking up, I found that someone had opened my bags and stolen all my socks. FML

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By Ohshit - 17/5/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2012 14:59 - United States - Newark

Today, I found out what a bottle of regurgitated wine looks like on white bedsheets. FML

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By Man vs. Spider - 28/2/2010 17:05 - United States

Today, my house was the only house left that still had its Christmas lights up, so I decided to take them down. Almost done, my fingers brushed over a spiderweb. Startled, I jumped off the ladder and broke my shoulder. Oh, and the spider still managed to stay on my hand, giving me a panic attack. FML

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By sleekRelease - 11/6/2019 04:00

Today, I was expecting an important delivery for a party I'm having tonight. I was in the shower when the doorbell rang. In my haste, I slipped and ended up with a bunch of little cuts and bruises. Turns out, it was someone trying to leave a note saying it would be delivered tomorrow. FML

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By Jobless - 10/12/2016 03:35

Today I was fired from my job. They fired me because they couldn't work around my college schedule. The only reason they hired me was because they were looking for college students and without a job I can't go back to school. FML

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By It wasnt even that close - 31/10/2015 13:23 - Germany - Herford

Today, while shopping, I stepped a bit closer to a couple that stood in front of a display. The girl then shot me a nasty look, grabbed her boyfriend and started pointedly making out with him. I was just trying to buy some butter. But thanks for reminding me how lonely I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, I used the same credit card to apply to college and pay for a rave ticket. My card went through on the rave ticket but denied the college application fee. I guess my credit card is trying to tell me something about my future. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2016 19:41 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I caught my 7 year old sister poking a dead bird with a stick, causing maggots to start coming out of the bird's sad little body. I was horrified and threw up. She won't stop mocking me for being a "sissy". FML

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By duped - 29/10/2011 11:32 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend confessed that he hates horror films. Our relationship was born out of our 'love' for horror films. I have endured 3 years of watching films that absolutely terrify me only to find out he doesn't like them either. FML

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By Cashier - 24/9/2011 06:21 - United States

Today, at the end of my shift with a long line of customers, the older woman I was checking out calmly said, "You should take a minute to fix your hair dear, we have all been talking about it while we waited." FML

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By this is impossible - 5/1/2016 00:21 - United States - Norristown

Today, my dad sat me and my sister down and give us a "talk". More like an angry irrational rant. He forbade us from being gay, marrying a Muslim or a black person, demanded kids from both of us, and threatened to disown us if we didn't. Where's my free will? FML

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By oh - 6/12/2013 21:20 - Denmark - Viborg

Today, my grandma commented on my Facebook profile picture: "That's a great photo! It doesn't look anything like you!" FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2015 15:26 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I let my 9-year-old daughter use my tablet while I made her dinner. A few minutes later, she let out a blood-curdling scream. Turned out she'd searched for My Little Pony pictures and stumbled upon a drawing of Rainbow Dash giving another pony a blowjob. FML

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By MisterBrown - 15/2/2010 07:08 - United States

Today, while at a family get together, my bowels suddenly decided they needed to be emptied. Straight away. I felt bad enough using someone else's bathroom for this, but later, my sister came in and loudly said "God, Brian, what the hell have you been eating?" in front of everyone at the get together. FML

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By motherlylove - 8/7/2018 15:00

Today, my mother-in-law screamed at the top of her lungs in front of our friends and family that I was stealing her baby away from her. I'd only suggested we go home because he had a migraine. Her baby is 24 years old and has been married to me for a year. FML

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By dad, please - 16/5/2016 05:37 - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, I had a mini heart attack as my dad stopped in the middle of the street and said, "I wonder what'd happen if I just dropped my pants right now and started jerking it in front of all these motherfuckers." FML

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By stillwaiting - 9/3/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, my mom called and told me I got accepted to my first-choice college. I got really excited and asked her to read me the letter. As she started to read it, she said, "Oops... uh, nevermind." FML

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By spoony - 19/1/2009 05:32 - Australia

Today, while on a date with the guy of my dreams, I cut my tongue so bad it bled for an hour. I managed to cut it on the plastic spoon from my coffee. FML

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By anonymous - 30/1/2013 10:13 - United States - Richardson

Today, I learned it's a bad idea to text and smoke while drunk, because there is an increased risk of throwing your phone off the balcony and sticking your cigarette into your pocket. FML

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By oh_mylanta - 2/3/2009 09:10 - United States

Today, I came to work, to find my creepy boss sitting in my office. I work the night shift, so very unusual to find him there. I asked how he was, and he replied, "I told my wife about us; she kicked me out." I've been working there a month. Also, I'm married and pregnant. So, excuse me, "US?" FML

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Top comments

By Cazz91 | 21

#5750233 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:43

I bet that was quite an eye catching sight to see.

By DocBastard | 38

#5750249 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:48

You should sell your boyfriend to the circus.

Not because of his crazy eyeball trick, but just so you can get rid of the idiot.

COMMENTS

By Outcheaa | 3

#5750230 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:42

what? that defies the laws of physics...

Reply

mercifulbane | 3

#5750247 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:47

so he scared the shit out of you?

Reply

FreakoHolm | 6

#5750258 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:50

Sounds like a shitty sit...
*gets shot and stabbed repeatably by everyone*

Reply

Cazz91 | 21

#5750265 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:53

^ Well, you did that for yourself. It saves me from getting off my current lazy ass to do it myself. :P

Reply

whaaaaat111 | 6

#5750293 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:08

I know a guy that can flip his eyelids inside out...

By caver1 | 14

#5750231 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:42

Second comment

By Cazz91 | 21

#5750233 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:43

I bet that was quite an eye catching sight to see.

Reply

red225 | 14

#5750316 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:25

You have just won my thumbs up, super creative.

Reply

MaryJaneUSA | 4

#5750339 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:41

That's really not healthy...

Reply

logic368 | 8

#5750426 - Monday 11 November 2013 4:58

Good thing you didn't impulsively give him a black eye!

Reply

8313girl | 28

#5750776 - Monday 11 November 2013 14:43

That's what I would have done seeing that so close to my face lol. I punch first & ask questions later.

Reply

ChevyRedneck85 | 13

#5751001 - Monday 11 November 2013 19:05

I'm laughing entirely too hard at this

Reply

DerpyDerpinator | 15

#6026599 - Sunday 3 August 2014 11:47

I'm sure OP didn't see that coming.

By caver1 | 14

#5750235 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:44

Yea that's weird

Reply

MichellinMan | 20

#5750326 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:31

I'm not sure that's even possible.

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5750390 - Monday 11 November 2013 4:40

Impressive.

Reply

raddybear | 11

#5750402 - Monday 11 November 2013 4:45

And it cannot be good for your health.

By boating_guy | 33

#5750237 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:44

the only guy I know who can do that, can only do it with his fake (glass) eye. but that? that's disgusting, FYL to waking up to that OP

By masterof1 | 7

#5750238 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:44

.............that is weird and cool at the same time..................CALL THE CIRCUS

By tipsy2013 | 24

#5750239 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:45

Would your name happen to be Macy?

Reply

MichellinMan | 20

#5750357 - Monday 11 November 2013 4:06

Your comment matches your name quite well.

By ElizabethNL93 | 20

#5750243 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:46

A boyfriend with a sense of humor is great, but that little trick sounds disgusting.

By DocBastard | 38

#5750249 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:48

You should sell your boyfriend to the circus.

Not because of his crazy eyeball trick, but just so you can get rid of the idiot.

Reply

cakefete2 | 30

#5750308 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:20

Before they bought him, the circus would want to know about OP's return policy.

Reply

Angelic_Author | 16

#5750371 - Monday 11 November 2013 4:28

They'd also want a warranty. You know, in case they break him for being a douche.

By crap_that_sucks | 9

#5750250 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:48

Weird.... But cool