Today, an elderly gentleman walked into the UPS Store where I... - FML

By UhhhUhhhRRRick - 5/3/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, an elderly gentleman walked into the UPS Store where I work asking to use the laminating machine. I explained to him that we keep it behind the counter and I would do it for him, when he produced several graphic photos of him having it off with nasty looking women to be laminated. FML

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Keep the peace

Never flip flop and drive

Social distancing gone wrong

By lmaofuck - 26/5/2016 01:06 - United States - Westerville

Today, I had a guest at my house. I stood up to shake her hand and kiss her on both cheeks, which is common in my culture. When she was kissing my cheeks, I went the opposite way from her and I ended up kissing her on the lips instead. Her eyes went big and I ran away. FML

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By thisisbad - 12/10/2009 14:21 - Malaysia

Today, I was in the toilet when somebody started banging on the door loudly. I panicked and immediately cleaned my self and opened the door. As I opened the door, my brother vomited all over me. FML

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By not a cancerous pimple - 31/1/2015 00:11 - United States - Chester Springs

Today, I felt a painful lump on my jaw. After going on Google, I was convinced I either had an infected tooth or jaw cancer. In a panic, I rushed to the dentist and told the receptionist the problem. She pulled the dentist from an appointment, and he felt around my jaw. It was just a pimple. FML

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By kryssa - 9/10/2020 23:01

Spread the news

Today, my boyfriend of six years is in the hospital after having a stroke. While being transferred to another hospital, I came to our home to get his phone to call his family, but instead was treated to text messages and voicemails from his other girlfriends. At least 4 of them so far. FML

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By sucks - 12/3/2009 17:53 - United States

Today, I decided to tell my mom about my choice to wait to have sex until after marriage. Coming from a very christian family I thought she would be proud. Instead she laughed and said, "is that your excuse for not being able to get laid?" and walked out of the room. FML

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By WhyTheFNot - 20/6/2009 18:06 - United States

Today, I came home from work and had to pee so badly that I ran to the bathroom and ripped my pants down. My touch screen phone dropped from my pocket and started calling my boyfriend. Since I couldn't quite reach the phone, I left a message of me peeing on his cell. FML

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By MistressSuzuka - 21/9/2012 00:05 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I helped my friend, who is a slob, move out of my house. I found the source of the funky smell she's been complaining about, under her bed. It was her vibrator. I found it with my bare hands. I had to bleach my hands twice and I still don't feel clean. FML

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By shtzbutnogiggles - 17/5/2016 14:10 - United States

Today, I was at a concert and I was having so much fun. Unfortunately, this was cut short when the person behind me with the worst halitosis started singing along to the songs. He knew ALL the lyrics. FML

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By alexander - 8/2/2017 10:00 - United States - Longmont

Today, my girlfriend really needed to take a pee while we were fishing in my boat. Rather than go to shore, she decided to she could just go into a Snapple bottle. I watched as all her pee went straight onto the floor of my boat, soon realizing she had never even taken the bottle's cap off. FML

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By Ashley - 7/9/2010 16:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex for the first time when my 4 year old sister walked in. She thought we were making a dog pile, so just as soon as my boyfriend was about to finish, she jumped on his back. FML

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By liLbob6598 - 10/1/2012 02:34 - United States

Today, I received a string of blank texts from an unknown number. When I asked who it was, I got a list of every place I've been over the last three days. I'm scared to leave the house. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2019 02:02

Boom, headshot!

Today, my boyfriend headbutted me during sex. This wouldn't be so bad if it was the first time. FML

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By doblex - 20/12/2012 11:19 - United States

Today, my house was broken into. The cop that came turned out to be a guy I fought over a girl with in high school. He sneered and said that everything appeared to be in order, and that I probably ransacked my own house. FML

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By Hairball - 1/9/2009 18:05 - United States

Today, I realized the person I had been habitually stealing bag lunches from at work made me a canned dog food sandwich. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2014 20:40 - United States - Oakland

Today, my soon to be mother-in-law sent out the invitations she made for my wedding. On them, it says "You are invited to this 'special' event". In the same way, I'm referred to as "special", and my name is misspelled. Hint taken, you bitch. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2011 21:29 - Denmark

Today, I woke up, rolled over, and kissed the boy who was peacefully sleeping next to me, cheerfully saying, "Good morning, baby!" That boy is my dog. FML

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By Why - 24/4/2016 18:59 - United States - Marlborough

Today, my husband cheated on me. In my house. While I was home. FML

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By taman - 12/9/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I took this girl out that I've been crushing on for 2 years to a fancy restaurant. At one point during the date, I had to get up to take a massive dump. As I was walking back to the table, a little boy stood up and shouted, "THAT'S THE POOPOO MAN" in front of the whole restaurant. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2012 05:50 - United States

Today, I was cleaning my room and set my burnt out light bulb on my computer chair without any second thought. Later, I sat on the chair, the light bulb shattered and I got a huge gash on my butt. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2020 08:00 - United Kingdom - London

True romantic

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. During the act, he looked deep in to my eyes before whispering, "Up the arse next time?" FML

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By MaximB - 15/7/2020 14:02

Coming up short

Today, some babe finally super-liked me on Tinder, but didn't want to continue the chat after finding out I'm shorter than her. FML

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By thatsfine - 14/7/2013 22:52 - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, my sister announced her pregnancy at my husband's funeral. FML

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By mark807 - 28/4/2012 06:52 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I fell and hit my head on hard concrete. When I went to the emergency room for a CT Scan, the nurse hit me in the head with an IV pole. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2020 17:00

Eat the rich

Today, at work, I found out that they are taking all bonus pay away, but giving us an extra $1 an hour due to Covid-19. Last week, they laid off half my department. Those people laid off are making more money on unemployment than I am now. FML

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By NoOrdinaryNZer - 30/10/2016 11:09 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, an old man, while I was working, asked me to spell average-length words. Confused, I refused. Turns out I was apparently taking too long counting the large amount of small change he'd given to me, and he assumed I couldn't count or spell. I study law, and I've learned basic calculus. Welcome to retail. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2010 13:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me the reason he can't keep an erection while we have sex is that I'm not attractive enough. FML

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By anal4me - 5/4/2012 20:07 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got my license. Instead of congratulating me, my buddies created a betting pool for when I get into a serious accident. Thanks for the support. FML

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By disturbed - 1/6/2014 01:53 - Ireland

Today, I was hit in the face by the placenta of a cow that had just given birth. FML

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By soontobewidow - 28/3/2015 09:20 - Turkey - Istanbul

Today, my husband was involved in a horrible series of accidents; he repeatedly slipped and fell into my best friend's vagina. FML

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By drew - 7/9/2010 17:06 - United States

Today, I accidentally walked in on my girlfriend changing. She responded by screaming, throwing herself on the ground to avoid me seeing her, and crawling into the bathroom. We've been living together for 2 months. FML

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By anonymous - 13/9/2012 06:02 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I found an enormous raccoon in my backyard. After a couple of nasty scratches, I finally managed to capture the filthy animal. After calling animal control to relocate it, I waited for hours to learn that "relocating" actually means releasing it into my front yard 10 feet away. FML

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By puppielover - 21/8/2010 17:25 - United States

Today, my step-mom informed me that she and my dad will not be attending my wedding because they will be at a NASCAR race. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2015 13:37 - United States - Palmer

Today, my boss forced me to come into work despite having a bad cold. While waiting a table, I violently sneezed and sprayed a child's face with snot. His dad got so pissed that my boss had to pretend to fire me just to calm him down. FML

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By kingkobrastrikes - 21/1/2015 01:56 - United States

Today, I was asleep and snored so loud that I woke myself up. I was at work and I am now the laughing stock of the office. FML

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By notevencatnipworks - 27/8/2018 13:00

Today, as every day for the past three weeks, my girlfriend's cat kept us up from 3:30am crying nonstop. We've tried everything, and even exiled my well-behaved cat to keep him company. Now she cries because she feels she's being punished. Starting around 4am. FML

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By sex deprived - 16/6/2013 05:10 - United States

Today, I got more pleasure from scratching a bug bite than I've gotten from my boyfriend in 2 whole years. FML

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By GeeThanksMom - 25/2/2018 15:00

Today, I’m having knee surgery. I can’t drive for the next week because of the heavy duty pain killers, so my mom told me I'll have to walk to and from school. It’s only a couple of miles. FML

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By Daivv - 28/1/2010 15:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that shouting 'arsehole' at a speeding car is not a good idea. Two chavs MIGHT just turn around, drive onto the pavement and push you into a bush. FML

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By SMS123 - 25/6/2010 19:42 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch with my boyfriend when I started choking. My boyfriend took it as an opportunity to sneak food off my plate. FML

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By not-that-fat - 27/7/2009 13:49 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend when I said "I wish all the weight I gained just went to my boobs." His reply was, "They'd be HUGE." FML

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Top comments

By Jimboom | 11

#16214 - Thursday 5 March 2009 16:25

More worryingly, why does he want to do with them that would require them to be laminated????

By Jimboom | 11

#16194 - Thursday 5 March 2009 16:16

At least you didn't see the picture with your mama in that lot

COMMENTS

By were_giraffe | 2

#16166 - Thursday 5 March 2009 16:00

yay for "right to refuse service" ... i'm hoping you got to exercise that right...

Reply

loodles | 0

#944736 - Sunday 14 March 2010 4:43

g
r
o
s
s

Reply

americuzz | 8

#1386439 - Saturday 11 September 2010 7:56

n
a
s
t
y

Reply

Grimmerie | 31

#2433409 - Saturday 30 April 2011 11:00

s
e
x
y

Reply

sovietkiwi | 0

#2921550 - Monday 18 July 2011 14:24

f
a
p
f
a
p
f
a
p

By King_of_Kings_2 | 0

#16182 - Thursday 5 March 2009 16:10

eww, that is nasty

By Jimboom | 11

#16194 - Thursday 5 March 2009 16:16

At least you didn't see the picture with your mama in that lot

By nah_fml | 0

#16201 - Thursday 5 March 2009 16:20

ohh come on.. old people also get the right to do whatever nasty things they want to do..

Reply

yahtzeesouls | 12

#6583799 - Tuesday 19 April 2016 21:28

Yes, but why would he need the pics laminated

By Jimboom | 11

#16214 - Thursday 5 March 2009 16:25

More worryingly, why does he want to do with them that would require them to be laminated????

Reply

pepz_fml | 5

#3348437 - Monday 26 September 2011 7:59

I thinks he doesn't want them getting stuck together and ruined. easy to clean.

By Alice_fml | 0

#16217 - Thursday 5 March 2009 16:27

I thought the same thing as #5.

By nah_fml | 0

#16222 - Thursday 5 March 2009 16:30

may be he just wanted to hang them in his bathroom for personal pleasure.. ;)

By Sarthaas | 0

#16225 - Thursday 5 March 2009 16:32

Oh god, that's just nasty. I agree with #1, I hope you refused him service.

By lkjadsoif | 0

#16240 - Thursday 5 March 2009 16:36

wow... just wow

By HutzovinaBorder | 0

#16245 - Thursday 5 March 2009 16:41

You misused "whence."