Today, all of the long hours I've spent rehearsing paid off because...

By Belle - 8/4/2016 18:11 - United States - Berwyn

Today, all of the long hours I've spent rehearsing paid off because tonight I'll be the lead at the opening show of my school musical. This is a dream come true. Too bad I just got bronchitis. FML

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Health

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Last dates

By Pumpkin - 18/7/2009 02:00 - United States

Today, I found out that my son is not really gay. He just told me that so I'd let him have girls in his bedroom. FML

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By Anonymousss95 - 10/12/2011 12:03 - Sweden

Today, I lost my virginity. Afterwards, he told me that he was only doing this because he wanted to know if he still truly loves his girlfriend. FML

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By Snoodist - 6/5/2019 20:00

Today, as usual, I got home to find that my roommate had eaten all my groceries and left a mess behind for me to clean. To be fair, this time she did some cleaning - she "energy cleansed" my room with a sage wand, burning a huge hole in my mattress in the process. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2016 03:00

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was ecstatic. Apparently, she'd been trying to figure out how to break up with me for the past four months. FML

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By OkieThePokie - 7/8/2017 13:00

Today, I found out that my unborn son has an abnormally large head. I have an abnormally small and narrow pelvis, and I'm allergic to local anesthetic, so no epidural or spinal for me! FML

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By nicknick2 - 18/5/2011 16:08 - United States

Today, I was at Walmart with my mom, when a guy next to me let out a series of vicious farts. Assuming it was me, my mom chewed me out in front of the guy and made me apologize. The man looked at my mom and said, "Children, they're so immature." FML

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By Melie-Melo - 16/12/2008 07:55 - United Kingdom

Today, after repairing the toilet, the light, the shower, the cooker and the heater in the flat I've just moved into, my boiler dies. It's mid December, about 1 degree outside. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2009 02:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I punched the air enthusiastically after getting an impossible question right. Unfortunately, above me was an old fashioned mole trap, with 6 small spikes and 2 large ones. I now have 6 puncture wounds in my hand, and two in my shoulder, as it fell off the hook it was hanging on. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2018 13:30

Today, a few months after my son lost a canine tooth, he went to get a replacement fitted. He came home with his other canine tooth removed and both replaced by vampire fangs. Permanent vampire fangs in his mouth, where people can see them and judge me for being a bad parent. FML

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By Puggle1019 - 17/7/2018 20:30

Today, my brother gave me a massive rope burn. He got a 30-second talk with our mother. I got an allergic reaction to the lotion used to ease the pain. My mother said I was overreacting. FML

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By mathgenius - 8/10/2013 19:17 - Norway - Kolltveit

Today, I passed my math test with flying colors. My dad thought I had cheated, so he emailed the school and told them that I had. They lowered my grade. FML

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By Invisible - 22/5/2009 19:27 - Switzerland

Today, I worked up the courage to comment on my crush's picture. I wrote "Cool picture" on his facebook profile picture. Pleased with myself, I later logged on to see if he had replied. He had. Well, at least he took the time to reply- "Who the fuck are you?". FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2014 17:43 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, in an attempt to potty train my step-son, my boyfriend and I put underwear on him, hoping that when he peed himself, he would realize using the potty is the way to go. Instead, he peed while sitting on the couch, got up, took off the underwear, and then switched seats. FML

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By diddlysquat - 14/1/2009 08:49 - United Kingdom

Today, I was having a cybersex chat with a "girl" on a website whilst at work. I noticed my colleague who sits next to me start cracking up with laughter. Turned out it was him I was chatting with and he was winding me up. Worst thing is it had given me a stiffy. FML

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By Anon - 12/2/2012 03:01 - United States

Today, I had to tell my mom to stop sending pictures of Jesus to my boyfriend. FML

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By coward - 3/10/2015 10:13 - United Kingdom

Today, after 4 days of avoiding me and screening his calls, my 24-year-old boyfriend sent his mother to break up with me on his behalf. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2014 21:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I was feeling frisky and asked my boyfriend if he wanted a blowjob. He said "Fuck no", then rolled over to go to sleep. FML

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By hurley - 27/2/2011 10:10 - Australia

Today, I had my friends help me put on a suit of full plate armor for a medieval re-enactment. After the battle, my friends left. I can't get the armor off by myself and will probably have to sleep in it. FML

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By erianne - 7/5/2018 15:00

Today, the neighbors heard a blood curdling scream and called the cops, thinking I was being murdered. Nope. I just stubbed my toe. FML

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By bananna - 29/5/2014 15:18 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out our newborn snores worse than his father. FML

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By hatemyjob - 25/2/2010 22:29 - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier at a restaurant. When I receive $50 and $100 bills I am required to have a manager check to make sure they are not counterfeit. Every manager I found yelled at me to find another manager because they were busy. Frustrated, I just accepted the bill. It was fake. FML

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By pissedoffandon - 6/5/2009 14:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I was taking a piss at the urinal when a fly started buzzing around my head. It started getting in my face, so I tried to swat it away. After about 10 seconds of intense swatting, I looked down to find I had pissed all over my shoes and down the front of my trousers. FML

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By nacho - 24/1/2012 06:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend met my dad for the first time. The first thing he said to him was, "You're an idiot for dating my daughter." FML

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By justmyluck5150 - 17/10/2016 17:58 - United States

Today, I told the doctor that one of my ribs sticks out farther than the other. When I lifted my shirt to show him, he immediately laughed and said, "Whoa, that's not subtle is it!" As if I wasn't already insecure about it. FML

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By numbnuts - 23/9/2013 05:48 - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, my 2-year-old daughter overheard my wife and I arguing and fixated on one particular insult my wife threw at me. Now my daughter won't stop saying "Daddy a numbnuts", always with a big smile on her face. FML

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By - 10/12/2018 22:00

Today I had a narrow escape with a nailgun that nailed my workboot to the floor but luckily missed my foot. After I calmed down and changed boots I returned to the nailgun, started working again and barely 30 seconds later I managed to nail my thumb to a piece of wood. Man, I'm bad at my job. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 21:47 - United States

Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to put vinegar in my contact solution. I took my contacts out hours ago and my eyes still burn. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2012 15:10 - United States

Today, I got sexually excited thinking about what kind of donuts I wanted to get in the morning. FML

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By ohIlike - 15/9/2009 12:10 - Australia

Today, after thirteen years of engagement, my fiancé and I split. As is, with the day, we changed our facebook relationships to make it official. I logged back on tonight to find his mother, the woman I've spent the last year looking after and having a good time, 'liking' the break up. FML

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By tealsoda - 21/11/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, a friend convinced me that I should throw a big party and invite everyone to come. After fixing a ton of party food, I sat around and waited for my guests to arrive. No one did. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 07:08 - United States

Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for my family. I got a huge paper cut on the webbing of my fingers, the pain of which caused me to scream out loud. My whole family heard and came rushing to my room. My grandma took one look, and scoffed, "Oh suck it the fuck up, princess." FML

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By outofajob - 1/1/2015 23:03 - United States - Farmington

Today, I gave feedback on how the store is run at the owners' request, because they don't understand why everyone keeps quitting. I guess they took it personally, because they asked me not to come back. FML

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By Riicogonz - 13/8/2018 20:32

Today, while borrowing my girlfriend's dad's truck, I had to pay $120 to prevent it from being towed. I was parked right in front of my apartment unloading heavy furniture into my garage for not even 20 minutes while the apartment manager, who called the tow truck, watched us from his balcony. FML

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By Quiteannoyed - 9/3/2013 10:35 - Finland - M?nts?l

Today, I received several texts congratulating me on my pregnancy. It turns out that my husband announced he is going to be a father on Facebook, which I don't use. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By Bellucy27 - 27/10/2010 03:00 - United States

Today, I went to the new Walmart to buy a space heater. After dodging cones in the parking lot, and trying to open several doors while employees looked on, I checked the sign, which said "24 hours." I then realized is stated that the grand opening is tomorrow. I'm now sitting in my apartment shivering. FML

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By xJade2012x - 24/11/2011 07:58 - United States

Today, in my karate dojo, I was being taught how to fall properly. My sensei instructed us not to fall with our hands out because it could sprain our wrists. As I was getting ready to help demonstrate a backwards break fall, I actually fell over. Guess where my hands went. FML

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By rmonk - 6/7/2016 12:17 - United States - Carpentersville

Today, I was hanging out with a friend at an ice cream place, and a guy started chatting with us. As he eventually went to leave, he told me "That's a nice looking date you got there." Then he turned to my friend. "Wish I could say the same to you." FML

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By pixiebubz - 6/10/2011 03:59 - Australia

Today, I told my boyfriend I had an appointment for laser hair removal. He responded by making "pew pew" noises and pretending to shoot my underarms. He's 28. FML

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By moneyman - 5/1/2020 20:00

But I'm a man

Today, I went on a date with a beautiful woman I had recently met. Great food, great conversation, and a great connection. That is, until she revealed that she is a lesbian. FML

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By Brandon Butler - 4/3/2011 09:22

Today, I was riding my motorcycle on the highway and wearing all of my gear - boots, gloves, jacket, and full-face helmet. Somehow a bee found the only spot not covered on my body and stung my neck. I'm allergic to bees. FML

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Top comments

By extrasnipes | 22

#6576735 - Saturday 9 April 2016 2:14

You should hope it doesn't last lung.

By Psycocharger | 19

#6576723 - Saturday 9 April 2016 2:12

Really unfortunate OP. Hopefully you get better and have an even better opportunity soon!

COMMENTS

By Jpres1 | 16

#6576711 - Saturday 9 April 2016 2:10

Damn that sucks, OP

By Zelphoric | 25

#6576719 - Saturday 9 April 2016 2:11

:( Ain't nobody got time for that!

By Psycocharger | 19

#6576723 - Saturday 9 April 2016 2:12

Really unfortunate OP. Hopefully you get better and have an even better opportunity soon!

By DaniealThePope | 18

#6576724 - Saturday 9 April 2016 2:13

R.I.P hopefully there's a next time.

Arkham_Callabero | 15

#6576806 - Saturday 9 April 2016 4:08

The RIP wasn't necessary

domolovesyoshi | 33

#6576861 - Saturday 9 April 2016 6:10

Rest in peace is something you tell someone in condolences of their loss, completely inappropriate in this case.

DaniealThePope | 18

#6579097 - Tuesday 12 April 2016 18:37

Can no one take a joke.

By HoboMeth | 32

#6576730 - Saturday 9 April 2016 2:14

Can you contact them and ask them to extend the date?

MdMan3 | 17

#6576733 - Saturday 9 April 2016 2:14

They wouldn't just change the date because the lead got bronchitis. This is why they have an understudy, so the show can go on if the lead is in a situation where they can't perform.

RadiantAerynSun | 2

#6577314 - Saturday 9 April 2016 21:27

A LOT goes into producing a play. 1 actor being unavailable is not enough to change the date. Nor should 1 person expect everyone else to change plans for them.