Miscellaneous: Today, all day, in a huge blizzard, I've been stuck with a very... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 274

You deserved it 38

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 498

You deserved it 135

26/01/2015 22:19

Today, all day, in a huge blizzard, I've been stuck with a very nice, but very ugly, toothless and rather large and somewhat smelly woman, who has been continuously saying, "It feels like we're dating. Doesn't it feel like we're dating?" Ugh. No, no it doesn't. And please don't kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 780

You deserved it 2 925

Best teeth in the game

Dementia or hate? You decide

Walk on the wild side

25/04/2009 18:41

Today, is my boyfriend and my 3 year anniversary. We decided to give each other something that we really needed. I bought him the $300 worth of books that he needed for college. He surprised me with a workout video and exercise equipment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 354

You deserved it 11 798

Desperate man

By Anonymous - 23/02/2021 17:01

Spicy

Today, I have been married for nearly 16 years. I've not had sex in over three years. My wife spends all hours chatting and gaming online with friends, and when she finally crashes into bed, she just goes to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 283

You deserved it 176

17/05/2012 12:00

Today, I noticed that whenever someone belches, I immediately think of my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 056

You deserved it 3 795

Blackmail material

By Anonymous - 03/01/2021 05:01

Today, I was staying at a hotel and had a night terror. I woke up, yelled, "Fuck!" and realized I had shit the bed. I'd woken up my teenage daughter, who now knows I shit the bed in the middle night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 894

You deserved it 161

11/03/2012 06:39

Today, in the locker room at work, someone tried writing "douche bag" on my locker, and misspelled it four times before apparently giving up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 719

You deserved it 2 222

08/12/2016 14:53

Spicy

Today, during sex, I somehow sneezed hard enough to really hurt my neck and shoulder. But don't worry, writhing in pain doesn't ruin the mood. My boyfriend just kept going. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 650

You deserved it 1 349

01/10/2018 03:00

Today, I sat in the bathroom on my phone to rub one out after a long day. Wanting to hear the action, I upped the volume until the sound was low enough for me to hear, despite the volume being near max. I continued until I realized my phone was connected to my headset outside near my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 514

You deserved it 4 295

28/08/2019 12:00

Today, I was making one of those microwavable pizza kits. Realizing I had no crushed red pepper to put on it, my mom suggested using a chili pepper she had dried. Thinking it was a great idea, I cracked it open on my pizza and out popped some fuzzy white mold and two maggots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 591

You deserved it 226

30/05/2013 01:53

Today, I woke up in bed with a one-night stand. We got really drunk the night before so I went to make a hangover-cure breakfast. Apparently he was so drunk that he didn't remember me, and when he came to the kitchen, he knocked me out with a pan and called the cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 233

You deserved it 9 808

05/11/2012 22:11

Today, I enjoyed a lovely family dinner, but my irritating grandma kept trying to buy my purse off me, and kept picking it up to look at it. When I got home I realized all my cash and cigarettes were gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 559

You deserved it 3 263

24/08/2009 14:22

Today, I was playing Ultimate Frisbee and trying to make new friends since I'm new at my college. I was running after an overthrown frisbee for a touchdown. Everyone cheered me on to keep going. I ran full speed into a fence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 804

You deserved it 9 036

06/09/2014 00:13

Today, I bought a large ice cream cake. No, there's no occasion, but I did ask the cashier to write "Happy Birthday" on it, just so she wouldn't know I was going to eat it all myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 419

You deserved it 10 773

20/10/2009 06:51

Today, I told my girlfriend of eight months that if she didn't start taking my band's music seriously, we couldn't see each other anymore. She said fine, and I hugged her, but then she stood up and said 'I hope we can still be friends,' and walked out the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 061

You deserved it 71 880

Felt cute, might delete later

By nopanties - 04/03/2013 05:11

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend ripped my panties trying to get them off. Not off me, off himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 725

You deserved it 6 425

Pete Townshend has a lot to answer for

By FML4evs - 10/04/2009 02:43

Today, my little brother watched an old video of The Who, who are know for smashing up their guitars and such. He decided it would be cool to try it with mine. That guitar was worth over $3000. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85 713

You deserved it 4 662

The girl?

By Anonymous - 26/12/2019 01:00

Today, my mate was bragging about the nudes he was getting from this random girl, he proceeded to show me... It was my cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 507

You deserved it 254

27/04/2009 12:54

Today, in a big argument, my sister uninvited my mom to her wedding. Trying to comfort my mom, I rented Mamma Mia knowing she's wanted to see it for a while. Turns out, Mamma Mia is a mother/daughter feel-good about the daughters wedding. I had no idea, and my mom cried the whole movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 327

You deserved it 71 325

Freak

By micahmatt - 26/08/2009 07:09

Today, I found out why my 20 year-old girlfriend broke up with me. She was building everything she did to match her favorite TV show. The main character left her boyfriend in the exact way she left me. And the breakup email she sent me contained monologue from the TV show, word for word. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 309

You deserved it 5 032

04/03/2010 05:08

Today, I asked out my best friend via facebook graffiti. He then accidentally wrote his rejection as his status instead of on my wall. More people liked his status than the number of friends I have on facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 612

You deserved it 8 681

08/02/2014 00:18

Today, I decided to ask the guy I like if he'll be my Valentine. I wrote the question on a piece of paper and passed it to him, trying to be cute. He read it, wrote his answer with a smile, and passed it back. It said, "Depends, do you swallow?" No, no I don't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 585

You deserved it 10 302

24/03/2013 21:33

Today, a few months after my co-worker had stopped wearing her engagement ring, I decided to put on the moves and start flirting with her. I soon found out that her fiancé had died, and that she's nowhere near over him, despite her brave face. I feel like a total asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 070

You deserved it 25 762

03/02/2009 17:22

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend's guinea pig managed to go down her shirt. I have been dating her for 3 weeks and I haven't even kissed her yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 290

You deserved it 44 562

10/04/2015 06:28

Today, my boss fired me by locking me out of my workplace after I went out to throw out the trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 578

You deserved it 2 500

Missed opportunities

By Anonymous - 13/07/2020 08:01

Today, I turned down a chance to go to a bar with a girl I like because I have an autoimmune disorder and don't want to get sick because of being irresponsible and obviously COVID 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 696

You deserved it 236

29/09/2010 01:47

Today, I got a spray tan for homecoming. While I was dancing, I got really sweaty and the spray tan rubbed off on the guy's white tux. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 820

You deserved it 51 018

28/12/2015 18:30

Today, it has got to the point that I don't even have to ask for my booze in the local off-licence, they just hand me my bottle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 288

You deserved it 6 531

15/06/2013 04:28

Today, my husband of 3 years learned that he's going to be a father. No, I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 481

You deserved it 4 239

02/06/2009 19:10

Today, I went to the pool. When I hit the water the top of my swimsuit came off so I tried to put it on underwater. The lifeguard thought I was drowning and pulled me out in front of everyone. Topless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 022

You deserved it 6 181

04/02/2013 00:26

Today, my mom accused me of stealing money from her purse. Being totally innocent, I reminded her that the only other person with access to it is her boyfriend. She said she trusts him because she loves him. They've been dating for 2 months. I've been her daughter for 25 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 117

You deserved it 2 506

09/09/2010 07:48

Today, I awkwardly had to comfort my 32 year old friend when he broke down crying in the middle of a crowded McDonald's. Apparently they no longer serve barbecue bacon cheeseburgers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 961

You deserved it 3 731

03/09/2017 23:15

Today, I dreamt my fiancé was rolling frozen potatoes onto my bed to wake me up. In reality I woke up screaming to intense cramps in my legs which almost reduced me to tears. I could barely walk for two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 154

You deserved it 226

16/01/2011 19:27

Today, I found out that my over protective brother is going to move in with me when he gets out of jail. My chances of ever being in a relationship are now next to zero. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 329

You deserved it 4 637

09/08/2010 16:54

Today, I was in the car with my parents' friends. I was in the back with my window down when I felt something strange hit my ear. I then realized that the person sitting in front of me was picking their scab and throwing it out the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 730

You deserved it 2 617

04/02/2016 02:04

Today, my son wanted to be Spiderman. He found the biggest spider he could outside and let it bite his hand. He's staying overnight in the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 749

You deserved it 2 451

18/06/2011 07:10

Spicy

Today, I was about to make love to my girlfriend at the local park when a cop caught us. I had to give him our information and hold a conversation with "Fire and Ice" lubricant on my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 683

You deserved it 58 452

What a charmer

By Anonymous - 30/05/2020 23:05

Today, after surgery on Monday, I can’t do much because of where my scars are until they heal. My husband won’t clean the house at all, dishes are all over my kitchen bar, laundry is all piled up by the washing machine. When I asked for help, he said it’s not his job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 144

You deserved it 547

30/09/2009 19:49

Today, I was talking to my mom about how my fiancé has been ignoring me and that I didn't know why. Turns out, my mother told him that I was too much of a handful, was mentally disturbed and also cheating on him. Just so I wouldn't move out and would keep cleaning her house for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 428

You deserved it 2 862

03/11/2014 21:16

Today, I realized I need a new job. This happened when I was seriously considering ways to break my leg so I could stay at home for a day and not have to deal with my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 717

You deserved it 3 271

Weird family

By Pinsky - 22/08/2021 00:01

Today, I learned I’m shooting blanks and can’t have children. My wife’s response was that her brother can be our sperm donor. She has no issue with this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 103

You deserved it 72

03/05/2013 00:16

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for cheating on her. Her "proof" was an image of me making out with a girl. Pretty damning, except she loaded it up in Photoshop, where I saw the image layers she'd used to fake the whole thing. I'm not sure what the hell she was thinking either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 598

You deserved it 3 935

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Top comments

RobinGoodfellow 47

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 8:09

Why would you say she's "very nice" and then ask that she doesn't kill you? Be reasonable.

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 8:08

at least she could keep you warm while you're stuck inside.

Comments

unidentifieduser 23

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 8:07

For your safety, I would suggest just going with it.

mfmylifesrsly 29

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 14:58

If he went along with it, I could see her trying to make sexual advances that he couldn't escape D:

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Wednesday 28 January 2015 4:14

What state? I'll rescue you in a plow.

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Friday 30 January 2015 0:19

#55 is thirsty

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Friday 30 January 2015 7:36

For some water, right?! I can see the dehydration in her picture!

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 8:08

at least she could keep you warm while you're stuck inside.

Marcella1016 31

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 8:37

...feel like a perv for immediately seeing the pervy connotations of this comment. Giggity?

RyWillieMitch 16

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 8:40

If the power goes out and it gets cold, OP could Han Solo her. And he thought she smelled bad on the outside.

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 8:50

Wonder where OP is stuck...

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Wednesday 28 January 2015 23:54

Yuck! Hahaha

RobinGoodfellow 47

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 8:09

Why would you say she's "very nice" and then ask that she doesn't kill you? Be reasonable.

xladylarienx 18

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 8:12

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

RobinGoodfellow 47

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 8:18

I disagree, I don't think that's a safe assumption to make. More likely he thinks she's crazy and will do something drastic if he attempts to ward off any advances she may make. Either don't say "don't kill me" or don't say she's "very nice," it's pretty simple.

poorjudgement 26

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 10:27

OP actually does ask from us not to hit too many times YDI button, and not to "burry" him in our comments. He said she is very nice, as a person, but he couldn't stand dating someone who looks and/or smells like her.

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 13:31

Nice people do kill!

Zebediabolical 39

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 13:44

Because she's reading over his shoulder as he posts. Like people who are dating do all the time.

FieldLeftBlank 20

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 17:36

Well, don't sociopaths create the illusion of fitting into society by appearing to be nice and personable? Have fun, OP.

henrylikestreats 22

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 20:25

Seriously, how did this even get published? It's horribly written and not thought out at all.

Buhhhlainaaaa 16

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Wednesday 28 January 2015 5:48

In lots of scary movies, the killer seems like a very nice person who "feels like they're dating" the victim. Then when the feeling isn't mutual, they get angry and attack.

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 8:09

Looks like your gonna need a cuddle buddy so just nod and smile for now and then make a break for it ASAP

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 8:10

You don't normally date people while stuck in the middle of a blizzard, OP?

Zebediabolical 39

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 14:33

It worked out for the people in the movie Two Night Stand!

brunettegirl224 4

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 8:11

Well that stinks..

Kazze 31

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 9:41

Literally.

Kazze 31

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 22:46

... Have you ever written a comment and then regretted it later? I have.

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 8:12

Be nice to her. If the power goes out, you're going to need someone to help keep you warm.

Jared900DUmpling 30

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 8:13

Then she peels off her skin to reveal a beautiful woman underneath. She was testing to see if you cared about personality or looks. Nah who am I kidding get away from that ogre.

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 8:19

Has Shrek taught you nothing?

15Erik 21

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 8:24

"This is my Swamp!" Shrek is love. Shrek is life.

RyWillieMitch 16

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 8:39

It's all Ogre now

laden_swallow09 34

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 8:41

Yeah. Fat, ugly, smelly, green people are insufferable narcissists.

Jared900DUmpling 30

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 16:38

Jeez I thought for sure that my comment would get disliked to hell

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 8:18

You'll need a bag and a cloths pin.

15Erik 21

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Tuesday 27 January 2015 8:22

Brace yourself, Winter is coming.