Today, after years of insomnia and going to doctors to help get... - FML

By Sleepless - 3/2/2014 13:29 - Australia

Today, after years of insomnia and going to doctors to help get a regular sleeping pattern, I finally fell asleep without the help of medication, only to dream about being chased by an angry seal and singing to Rihanna with a horse. This is probably why I don't sleep. FML

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Proactive

Messed up

KoBabe

By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Wakefield

You made them use coasters, Monica

Today, I was checking my friends' posts on Facebook and all of them were complaining what a boring night they had. They were all just at my house. FML

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By peopleinthepark - 30/5/2009 14:46 - United States

Today, it was beautiful out. I decided to play guitar at the park near my house. I left my guitar case open, asking not for money but for feedback. I got two pieces of paper with feedback: 1) You're fat. 2) Get a life. FML

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By proudparent - 7/12/2009 05:07 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old son asked me to explain how he was born. After I told him I had a C-Section, he went to school and told everyone he was born at sea. I found out when the teacher called me. FML

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By unluckydude - 29/6/2013 22:19 - Colombia - Tunja

Today, my co-worker thought it would be funny to tell her husband that she cheated on him with me. I'm scared to death and I don't dare to go out by myself. FML

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By Tygastyle - 23/6/2009 17:37 - United States

Today, at the bank, I went to get some coffee from their machine. I gave it my money and pressed the buttons but nothing was happening. After banging on the machine for ten minutes and calling a teller over, a little boy reached up on his tippy toes to press the giant green START button for me. FML

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By negromancer - 11/7/2009 01:08 - United States

Today, I worked up the courage to ask my crush out for coffee after work. She agreed and I confidently said "Alright, it's a date!" She replied, "Haha a date with you? I'm just going for the free coffee!" FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2019 06:14

Today, I worked a long shift at my job while feeling like crap, anticipating getting a promotion. As my boss was leaving work, he informed me that because I also go to college, the promotion was being given to another employee that I trained a month ago. This is the second time this has happened. FML

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By Harry641 - 23/2/2016 22:53 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Today, I got accused of ruining my girlfriend's birthday, all because I accidentally got her the same birthday present as her mother did. FML

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By Tib - 18/12/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I had to take a urine test. I drank a lot of water so that I wouldn't force it. When I got there, I had to pee really bad. The cup was too small and when I relieved my bladder, it was a jet that rebounded off of the cup and overflowed going all over my hands, clothes, toilet, and floor. FML

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By huwauw - 17/9/2010 20:33 - United States

Today, I was doing my homework on the computer when my dad walked by with a plate of food, threw his fork at me, and said "POSTURE!" FML

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By MBoomer - 16/11/2016 06:36

Today, I found a great parking spot but I wasn't sure if it was restricted by any means or of I could just park there for free. I asked a police officer walking by and he told me it was alright, only to come back 4 hours later to find a ticket on my windshield. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2009 22:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years proposed to me. I said yes and he gave me an engagement ring. He immediately went to call his mom to tell her the happy news. After the phone call, he asked if he could return the ring because his mom needed money. FML

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By Marymary - 27/8/2019 20:00

Kids say the dumbest things…

Today, my cousins and I were walking past bars, choosing one go to. I recently got my hair cut short and thought it was cute. A little boy walking beside us looked at me and said, "Are you a boy?" His mother shushed him and said, "No dear, she's just flat-chested." FML

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By pkz - 31/1/2010 02:11 - France

Today, I found out that my husband of five years was living a double life. He and his mistress have two children together and a third one on the way. He told me the only reason he stayed with me was for my money. I make about 8 dollars an hour and work two jobs to make ends meet. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2015 06:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend emotionally proposed over dinner, and I said yes. Soon after he left, he tweeted "I just fucked up...." and a few minutes later called me and claimed the proposal was a prank. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2012 05:16 - United States

Today, my little brother went through all the artistic anatomy reference books and colored in all the nipples and penises with a bright pink sharpie. These books were from the library. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2019 14:00

Priorities, dude

Today, my friend told me I was a terrible person and didn't care about our friendship. Why? Because I broke our Snapchat streak by working and sleeping, instead of being on my phone. FML

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By notsobig - 29/1/2013 22:39 - United States

Today, I jokingly asked my girlfriend if she thinks I have a big package. She replied that she didn't want to upset me and get into another fight. FML

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By human torch - 18/3/2010 15:22 - United States

Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML

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By driverman12 - 4/4/2009 19:42 - United States

Today, I was driving on the freeway when I saw a car in front of me swerving across 3 lanes of traffic. Thinking he might be drunk, I dialed 911 on my phone, but I dropped it. I fished under my seat to get it, swerving, and got pulled over by highway patrol and given a field sobriety test. FML

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By please don’t - 8/6/2020 02:00

The Big Book of Baby Names

Today, I had to explain to my sister in law why it’s a terrible idea to name her baby Aryan just because she likes the way it sounds. We’re all African Americans, but she still doesn’t see the issue with it. FML

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By heatproblems - 19/12/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, I can't get my heat to turn off. It is currently 87 degrees Fahrenheit in my house, and my heat is running non-stop. It's about 20 degrees outside with over a foot of snow on the ground, so a repairman can't come out to fix it. My electricity bill will be about $1000. FML

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By PetitPrincePerdu - 8/5/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, I found my mother wandering the halls of my fraternity unescorted and asked why she was here, she told me she was concerned when I didn't pick up my phone for two days. She then informed me that she had also moved to the same city I live in. My mother moved over 600 miles to stalk me. FML

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By beerpong26 - 6/2/2009 19:54 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was about to give me a blowjob. When her lips met my penis, there was a huge static shock. I never got the blowjob, she is still laughing and I have ice on my penis. FML

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By arrestedgun - 23/5/2009 07:37 - Canada

Today, I went to a dollar store with a couple friends to buy cap guns to play with. We were having a lot of fun with them, and took them onto a bus. 5 minutes later, three cops got on, handcuffed us, and sternly talked to us about the dangers of guns. We got arrested for toy guns. We are 17. FML

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By Tgreject - 16/8/2009 04:33 - United States

Today, I was planning on asking out a girl I've been really close to for a few months now. I was with her when I got a forward text from my friend. It was from the girl and it said "noooo tell him not to ask me out I don't like him." I got rejected via forward text before I told her how I felt. FML

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By imsorrylove - 31/3/2010 04:44 - United States

Today, I took pills to make sure I lasted longer with my girlfriend. Good news? It worked fine and is still working now. Bad news? We've been done for a good two hours. FML

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By LonelyMe - 30/10/2012 13:27

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me by saying, "It's not you, it's me. I have a terrible taste in women." FML

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By scarlet5000 - 26/9/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, there was a traffic accident on the highway which I normally take. I couldn't resist laughing at the driver since he was stupid enough to rear-end someone on the highway. What I didn't realize is that I forgot to pay attention to the road and rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By sandyseashells10 - 13/11/2010 06:29 - United States

Today, I went to the waterpark and my kids were fighting so I grounded them both. We concluded the day by boogey boarding on a mechanical wave. There was so much water I didn't realize my boobs had completely fallen out of my bikini. As revenge, my kids didn't tell me. FML

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By Itchy Missy - 10/9/2014 03:38 - United States - Denver

Today, I got more pleasure from itching the bed bug bites from sleeping over at my boyfriend's house than I got from actually sleeping with him. FML

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By BloodyMarry - 4/6/2013 17:53 - United States

Today, on the drive to church, I got a nosebleed. Not so bad, until I sneezed and splattered myself and my fiancé with blood, snot, and eventually tears. FML

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By horribleawfulnogoodverybadweek - 15/11/2019 05:00

Artificial teeth

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me over text because she discovered from my mum that my teeth aren't my natural teeth, and she feels disgusted kissing me. FML

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By 4lphab3t4 - 21/11/2016 15:22

Today, my neighbour almost ran over my little sister, and blamed it on his disability. What disability? He has no sense of smell. FML

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By vanguardwiley - 24/7/2009 06:40 - United States

Today, I woke up from the worst nightmare I've ever had. After tearfully explaining to my boyfriend, in detail, how bad this dream was, he told me to "put on my big girl panties" and make him breakfast. FML

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By mike - 11/3/2011 18:34 - United States

Today, I set up a mouse trap to kill the rodent plaguing my kitchen. While lying in bed, I heard an unmistakable snap, and ran to see what I'd caught. The mouse trap was missing. I now have a large, angry, and possibly dying animal running around my house. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2012 21:56 - Sweden - V?llingby

Today, I woke up after a long night of drinking with my friends. I vaguely remembered visiting a tattoo parlour, but nothing prepared me for the sight of the words "YOLO" and "MOFO" tattooed across the fingers of my left and right hands. Now I'm officially a bandwagoning douchebag. FML

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By danjoylovefun - 25/10/2010 00:36 - United States

Today, I woke up to shit on my floor and my cat hiding under my comforter. I have to get rid of my new fish because my cat is afraid of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2020 02:02

What's your damage?

Today, I put my car in the garage last night so it wouldn't get damaged by a huge thunderstorm. Golf clubs fell on it while it was stowed away. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2012 04:43 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I discovered that my acne glows yellow and orange under black lights while in front of a wall of them at a club. FML

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Top comments

By ohishkabibble | 21

#5847485 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:01

Were you by any chance watching videos of cute baby seals and listening to Rhi today? Because one theory about sleep is that it's about information processing; that is, our dreams are a result of us consolidating memories from our day. For example, that's probably why my girlfriend has so many dreams that play out like video games, since she plays video games every day. Don't worry too much about your weird dreams, OP!

By Kamon97 | 23

#5847515 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:29

It's amazing at how little people pay attention when reading FML's

COMMENTS

By Rizzen | 27

#5847480 - Monday 3 February 2014 15:57

yea, I know that feel. hope you can finally get some sleep OP. and please go see a doctor OP

Reply

Mightyrif | 23

#5847522 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:38

He already said he did... Maybe you should get some meds :b

Reply

LittlestPrincess | 21

#5847526 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:42

or get off meds ;)

Reply

KittenSandwich | 9

#5847539 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:55

Did you even read the FML #1?

Reply

Futacy | 29

#5847614 - Monday 3 February 2014 19:53

Lol, did you only read the first five words?

By 746278Ab | 14

#5847481 - Monday 3 February 2014 15:57

It's time for some medication!

Reply

Kamon97 | 23

#5847515 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:29

It's amazing at how little people pay attention when reading FML's

Reply

Amberosia | 10

#5847589 - Monday 3 February 2014 19:06

So true. Especially when I have seen several people refer to this OP as "him" when the gender symbol quite obviously identifies the OP as a female.

Reply

LalaDee561 | 8

#5848531 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 17:50

I think #2 meant it as time to start taking medication AGAIN. at least that's how I first read it.

Reply

pugpuggy | 21

#5863379 - Thursday 20 February 2014 3:14

*Points to the part that said OP took medication.*

By Pauschinator | 22

#5847482 - Monday 3 February 2014 15:58

It is because the Broncos lost, isn't it?

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5847511 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:27

Australians probably don't care.

Reply

Goblin182 | 26

#5847549 - Monday 3 February 2014 17:10

Everyone cares about Peyton Manning's legacy.

Reply

B1ackthesun | 31

#5847577 - Monday 3 February 2014 18:30

Who #30? I have no idea who that is. As an Australian, like op, I can confirm no, not everyone cares. Not even close.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5847590 - Monday 3 February 2014 19:06

#30, totally! He can't retire after a stinker like yesterday. Sure, his numbers looked good, but they're easy to rack up when you throw 4-yard passes.

A stinking turd of a game to cap off an MVP season. Horrible!

Reply

ThatFancyPenn | 18

#5847636 - Monday 3 February 2014 20:46

Let's not talk about that game.

Reply

junkman6 | 22

#5847648 - Monday 3 February 2014 21:09

They have a better contact sport to worry about. Rugby.

By ohishkabibble | 21

#5847485 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:01

Were you by any chance watching videos of cute baby seals and listening to Rhi today? Because one theory about sleep is that it's about information processing; that is, our dreams are a result of us consolidating memories from our day. For example, that's probably why my girlfriend has so many dreams that play out like video games, since she plays video games every day. Don't worry too much about your weird dreams, OP!

Reply

coklara | 15

#5847597 - Monday 3 February 2014 19:21

What's her gamer tag

Reply

dachayke | 16

#5847612 - Monday 3 February 2014 19:52

#46 probably read #4's comment like:

yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada GIRL yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada VIDEO GAMES yada yada yada.

Reply

doodlecloud | 26

#5847757 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 0:20

Although I think there is some validity to this theory, sometimes people do just have weird dreams. A lot of my dreams are pretty weird and I can't see any correlation between most of them and real life. It shouldn't be a reason not to sleep though - embrace the dreams OP! (I assume there's more to the insomnia but still)

Reply

Fuzy2K | 7

#5849465 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 15:31

There's no real life explanation for the dream I had in which my dad called me on a payphone (as in, I was standing next to a payphone in a mall, and it rang) to tell me he was angry with my sister and wanted me to fill her prosthetic ear with Krazy Glue.

I don't even HAVE a sister.

By peasonearth | 8

#5847486 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:01

medication might be your next step OP, it worked for me after my sleepwalking included me making mac and cheese and spilling the boiling water onto myself

Reply

LonerTheWolf35 | 8

#5847574 - Monday 3 February 2014 18:15

OP has already tried medicine

Reply

kieralumina | 30

#5847576 - Monday 3 February 2014 18:18

Please re-read the FML. OP did use meds. This is the result of the meds.

Reply

CommentModerated | 17

#5847582 - Monday 3 February 2014 18:49

The irony, 38. "I finally feel asleep without the help of medication."

Reply

FracturedMinds | 21

#5847672 - Monday 3 February 2014 21:57

More ironic being corrected by a girl named CommentModerated. At which i giggled slightly.

By WhatsOpTic | 11

#5847487 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:01

That's just strange girl.

Reply

Verst | 16

#5847599 - Monday 3 February 2014 19:25

Or, (going our on a limb) she has insomnia.

By sdroze1389 | 31

#5847488 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:01

yeah that does suck, I have insomnia and sleep terror as well. at least you didn't have my last nightmare where I was being eaten alive by roaches :-)

Reply

Lanker | 17

#5847718 - Monday 3 February 2014 23:02

Aww, now I have the image of me getting eaten by roaches stuck in my head. Guess who won't be getting any sleep tonight :

Reply

ChristianH39 | 30

#5848494 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 16:14

#7 there are very, very few people I would wish that dream upon.

By TheKittiesTitays | 8

#5847489 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:02

LSD is a hell of a drug

By perdix | 29

#5847492 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:04

Do you mean the animal or singer with the scarred face?

Did Rihanna have the horse or were the two of you serenading her?

Reply

UnknownJoe | 6

#5847530 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:45

It was just SEAL chasing him, after listening to his crappy duet with Sarah Jessica Parker.

By WCARlover | 34

#5847494 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:10

I bet the horse sounded better than Rihanna too