Health: Today, after years of insomnia and going to doctors to help get... - FML

By Sleepless - Australia

Today, after years of insomnia and going to doctors to help get a regular sleeping pattern, I finally fell asleep without the help of medication, only to dream about being chased by an angry seal and singing to Rihanna with a horse. This is probably why I don't sleep. FML

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Serious times

Season finale

Stay safe, stay home FFS!

By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I was told I will be having twins; this came as a shock since there are no twins in my family. When I asked my mom about it, she said that she wasn't surprised and not to worry about it because she had "absorbed her twin" and that the problem would "take care of itself." FML

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By AK-47 - United States - Farmington

Today, I dropped my phone in the toilet in a public restroom. That would have been bad enough, without the guy in the next stall saying, "Jesus! What the hell did you eat?!" FML

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By Iman - United States

Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over three months is actually a very bored 14-year-old boy. FML

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By Jesica Mcgee - 29/10/2020 18:02 - United States - Ferndale

Narcissist

Today, I got a job, a good job with benefits, 401 k, took a lot of work to get this: background check, drug testing, being qualified and I need to pay bills. I can't even be happy because my husband got demoted. It's all about him, and fuck my hard work. FML

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By bellaskyeb - United States

Today, I had to bail my drunk husband out of jail after he and his best friend tried to steal a police horse from an officer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I had the grand opening to our new winery. We had a big sign out front saying "FREE GRAPES", to try and get more people interested. People kept giving us dirty looks when passing. We later realized there was something covering the "G". FML

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By Jex - United Kingdom - London

Today, I wanted to surprise my long distance girlfriend by flying to her unannounced. When I arrived at her house, her family tells me that she herself boarded an unannounced flight to where I lived hours ago. Surprise. FML

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By oh. - United States

Proof of love

Today, I flew cross-country to see my girlfriend of three years. Once I got there, she broke up with me. I was supposed to be staying for a month and now I have nowhere to go. FML

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By NoFriends - 6/10/2020 16:01 - Australia - North Lakes

Social media was a mistake

Today, my husband deleted the Messenger app, because he doesn't use it a lot, and people can text him. That's fine, but he didn't tell any of his contacts that. All his friends think he's blocked them. He's now pouting, because no one's texting him. He's not on Facebook, so no-one sees him there either. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2020 05:02

Merry Christmas, or not

Today, I got a quick COVID test and got a positive result. Christmas is in 3 days, my son and husband have to stay with my mom and Christmas is my favorite holiday. I've never been away from them this long and it is killing me. FML

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By RyanSmithN - United States

Today, I used a public bathroom and set my motorcycle helmet on the sink while I used the urinal. The helmet rolled into the sink, under the faucet and set off the motion detector, soaking the inside. I drove 15 miles home in 30 degree weather with a wet helmet. FML

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By Anonymous

Family coincidence

Today with a DNA test, I found out that my husband is my half brother. 30 years ago his father made a donation to the sperm bank my mother used, and I’m the result. To make matters worse, I’m pregnant. FML

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By WorryNot - United States - Prescott

Today, I accidentally left a small but very important piece of my breast pump at home. Only ten more hours until the end of my shift. FML

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By ForeverAlone

Today, I asked my crush if she wanted to see a movie with me. She said no because she already saw it. The movie is coming out next week. FML

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By Sadandphoneless

Today, I got on the bus and the driver said I didn't have to pay since the ticket machine was broken. I was happy to have saved £2.40 until i realised someone had stolen my new £700 phone while I was talking to the driver. FML

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By so scared - Canada - Barrie

Today, my mother thought it would be funny to sneak into my room at night and scream like a demon after I had explained to her how scared I was of the exorcist movie I had just seen. She claims it wasn't her. FML

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By VampiresSayRawr - Canada

Today, I tried having intercourse with my boyfriend, and about 30 seconds in, I heard flipping. He was looking at a porn magazine. "It's to keep my erection" he answered. FML

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By ToInsecure4me - United States

Today, I had to stay late at work. My husband made me take a video of myself punching out, to prove I wasn't cheating on him. FML

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By MumMatters - Germany - Hamburg

Today, my babysitter told me to find a replacement, so I tried to bribe her into staying by offering her a raise. She told me that the money would be better spent on an exorcist. FML

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By Claire - United States - Parkville

Today, after getting into an argument with my dad, he told me that I would make a great ex wife one day. FML

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By Lexxiluvstwat

Today, I was written up at work and sent home 20 minutes into my shift. My boss thought I was under the influence of something, but it’s really just the first time I’ve come to work with no makeup on. FML

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By immy504 - United States

Today, at my job as a waitress, I fell, landed on my ass, managing not to spill the drinks or drop the food in my hands. A little boy yelled "NINJA WAITRESS!" Every one at work has been calling me that all day, and purposely been trying to trip me to see if I could do it again. FML

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By nothungry - United States

Today, after four years of anorexia and lots of recovery, my parents took me out to dinner with my counselor and whole family to celebrate my progress. I ended up eating something that made me vomit everything I ate. My parents now think I am bulmic and are sending me back to counseling. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was at the cafeteria of my school with my boyfriend and he dumped me. I was kinda expecting it. What I wasn't expecting was that he'd start running in front of everyone, screaming "FREEEEEEEEEDOM!" at the top of his lungs and that he'd kiss the first girl he saw. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on an interview for a job that I had been wanting for months. I thought everything was going great. On my way out, my interviewer asked me to recycle something for him. I agreed. It was my resume. FML

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By MetalAtlas - United States

Today, I had to sell my only means of transportation, my 92 Chrysler Lebaron to a junking company because the transmission blew. When the guy finally got there, I had to shovel out the 5 feet of snow around my car, help him push it, and help him hook it up. Then his dog bit me. I only got $100. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Planned Parenthood

Today, I got the biggest shock in my life, I'm a mistake, and the only reason why I wasn't put up for adoption is because of the tax refunds. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had diarrhea in a public bathroom. When I was finished, I noticed that someone had pissed all over the toilet paper. FML

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By Lysh

Today, my fiancé broke it off with me on our 3-year anniversary at 12:01 a.m. on Thanksgiving morning. Guess who gets to go to family gatherings where everyone will be asking where he is. FML

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By Apparentlycreepy - United States

Today, I got rejected by two different guys. One was my ex-boyfriend who said he wanted to keep our friendship, and the other was a guy I went on a date with who faked a European accent the whole time during our date despite him being born and raised in Texas. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Saint Marys

Today, I overheard a girl and a guy sitting behind me on the bus who were talking about Skyrim, one of my favourite games. After a while, I turned around and, as a fellow gamer, thanked them for restoring my faith in humanity. They went very quiet. I'm now that weird guy on the bus. FML

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By badluckantonio - Canada

Today, I was taking out the garbage at work when I slipped and fell into the garbage container. The scent was so bad that a bus driver denied me a ride home. FML

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By legallyblondemad - United Kingdom

Today, I was at the park with my new boyfriend. We were sitting between some trees, when some of his mates turned up at the park. He pushed me behind a tree so his mates wouldn't see and went to join them in a game of football. He pretended not to know me. FML

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By herestowaiting - United States - Detroit

Today, I'm officially a week overdue. I went to the hospital, thinking I was in labor since I was in so much pain. Turns out it was just gas. The nurse couldn't hold back her look of pity as she told me this. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2020 02:02

What's your damage?

Today, I put my car in the garage last night so it wouldn't get damaged by a huge thunderstorm. Golf clubs fell on it while it was stowed away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atwater

Today, my slacker co-worker accused me of stealing because I got more hours than him. I was called into the manager's office and interrogated. They believed him, and sent me home for the day. I guess it pays off being the boss's kid. FML

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By Broke - Australia - Melbourne

Today, while I was waiting to pull out of a parking space, my boyfriend decided it would be funny to put the car into reverse instead of drive while I was waiting for traffic to clear. I don't think the people who own the car behind me were laughing. Nor is my now ex-boyfriend. FML

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By Bigbaby - United States - Ontario

Today, I decided to be the "cool aunt" and take my nephew to a horror movie. I ended up being so scared, I burst into tears. Nothing says "cool" like having an 11-year-old walk a sobbing, grown woman from a theatre. FML

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By Useless training - United States - Saint Charles

Today, we finished a sit-up test at school. I had been training for the athletic tests, so I was proud of my score. When someone asked what I got and I shared, proud, they responded with, "I bet it helps that your fat bounces you back up." FML

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By West

Today, I was promised that I wouldn't have to work late because I had tomorrow off for my birthday. My coworkers decided that none of them want to work late, and that I could do it. So I am stuck working late and have to come in on my birthday, which I had requested off. FML

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Top comments

By ohishkabibble | 21

#5847485 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:01

Were you by any chance watching videos of cute baby seals and listening to Rhi today? Because one theory about sleep is that it's about information processing; that is, our dreams are a result of us consolidating memories from our day. For example, that's probably why my girlfriend has so many dreams that play out like video games, since she plays video games every day. Don't worry too much about your weird dreams, OP!

By Kamon97 | 23

#5847515 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:29

It's amazing at how little people pay attention when reading FML's

COMMENTS

By Rizzen | 27

#5847480 - Monday 3 February 2014 15:57

yea, I know that feel. hope you can finally get some sleep OP. and please go see a doctor OP

Reply

Mightyrif | 23

#5847522 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:38

He already said he did... Maybe you should get some meds :b

Reply

LittlestPrincess | 21

#5847526 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:42

or get off meds ;)

Reply

KittenSandwich | 9

#5847539 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:55

Did you even read the FML #1?

Reply

Futacy | 29

#5847614 - Monday 3 February 2014 19:53

Lol, did you only read the first five words?

By 746278Ab | 14

#5847481 - Monday 3 February 2014 15:57

It's time for some medication!

Reply

Kamon97 | 23

#5847515 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:29

It's amazing at how little people pay attention when reading FML's

Reply

Amberosia | 10

#5847589 - Monday 3 February 2014 19:06

So true. Especially when I have seen several people refer to this OP as "him" when the gender symbol quite obviously identifies the OP as a female.

Reply

LalaDee561 | 8

#5848531 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 17:50

I think #2 meant it as time to start taking medication AGAIN. at least that's how I first read it.

Reply

pugpuggy | 21

#5863379 - Thursday 20 February 2014 3:14

*Points to the part that said OP took medication.*

By Pauschinator | 22

#5847482 - Monday 3 February 2014 15:58

It is because the Broncos lost, isn't it?

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5847511 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:27

Australians probably don't care.

Reply

Goblin182 | 26

#5847549 - Monday 3 February 2014 17:10

Everyone cares about Peyton Manning's legacy.

Reply

B1ackthesun | 31

#5847577 - Monday 3 February 2014 18:30

Who #30? I have no idea who that is. As an Australian, like op, I can confirm no, not everyone cares. Not even close.

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perdix | 29

#5847590 - Monday 3 February 2014 19:06

#30, totally! He can't retire after a stinker like yesterday. Sure, his numbers looked good, but they're easy to rack up when you throw 4-yard passes.

A stinking turd of a game to cap off an MVP season. Horrible!

Reply

ThatFancyPenn | 18

#5847636 - Monday 3 February 2014 20:46

Let's not talk about that game.

Reply

junkman6 | 22

#5847648 - Monday 3 February 2014 21:09

They have a better contact sport to worry about. Rugby.

By ohishkabibble | 21

#5847485 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:01

Were you by any chance watching videos of cute baby seals and listening to Rhi today? Because one theory about sleep is that it's about information processing; that is, our dreams are a result of us consolidating memories from our day. For example, that's probably why my girlfriend has so many dreams that play out like video games, since she plays video games every day. Don't worry too much about your weird dreams, OP!

Reply

coklara | 15

#5847597 - Monday 3 February 2014 19:21

What's her gamer tag

Reply

dachayke | 16

#5847612 - Monday 3 February 2014 19:52

#46 probably read #4's comment like:

yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada GIRL yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada VIDEO GAMES yada yada yada.

Reply

doodlecloud | 26

#5847757 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 0:20

Although I think there is some validity to this theory, sometimes people do just have weird dreams. A lot of my dreams are pretty weird and I can't see any correlation between most of them and real life. It shouldn't be a reason not to sleep though - embrace the dreams OP! (I assume there's more to the insomnia but still)

Reply

Fuzy2K | 7

#5849465 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 15:31

There's no real life explanation for the dream I had in which my dad called me on a payphone (as in, I was standing next to a payphone in a mall, and it rang) to tell me he was angry with my sister and wanted me to fill her prosthetic ear with Krazy Glue.

I don't even HAVE a sister.

By peasonearth | 8

#5847486 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:01

medication might be your next step OP, it worked for me after my sleepwalking included me making mac and cheese and spilling the boiling water onto myself

Reply

LonerTheWolf35 | 8

#5847574 - Monday 3 February 2014 18:15

OP has already tried medicine

Reply

kieralumina | 30

#5847576 - Monday 3 February 2014 18:18

Please re-read the FML. OP did use meds. This is the result of the meds.

Reply

CommentModerated | 17

#5847582 - Monday 3 February 2014 18:49

The irony, 38. "I finally feel asleep without the help of medication."

Reply

FracturedMinds | 21

#5847672 - Monday 3 February 2014 21:57

More ironic being corrected by a girl named CommentModerated. At which i giggled slightly.

By WhatsOpTic | 11

#5847487 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:01

That's just strange girl.

Reply

Verst | 16

#5847599 - Monday 3 February 2014 19:25

Or, (going our on a limb) she has insomnia.

By sdroze1389 | 31

#5847488 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:01

yeah that does suck, I have insomnia and sleep terror as well. at least you didn't have my last nightmare where I was being eaten alive by roaches :-)

Reply

Lanker | 17

#5847718 - Monday 3 February 2014 23:02

Aww, now I have the image of me getting eaten by roaches stuck in my head. Guess who won't be getting any sleep tonight :

Reply

ChristianH39 | 30

#5848494 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 16:14

#7 there are very, very few people I would wish that dream upon.

By TheKittiesTitays | 8

#5847489 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:02

LSD is a hell of a drug

By perdix | 29

#5847492 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:04

Do you mean the animal or singer with the scarred face?

Did Rihanna have the horse or were the two of you serenading her?

Reply

UnknownJoe | 6

#5847530 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:45

It was just SEAL chasing him, after listening to his crappy duet with Sarah Jessica Parker.

By WCARlover | 34

#5847494 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:10

I bet the horse sounded better than Rihanna too