Today, after years of insomnia and going to doctors to help get... - FML

By Sleepless - 3/2/2014 13:29 - Australia

Today, after years of insomnia and going to doctors to help get a regular sleeping pattern, I finally fell asleep without the help of medication, only to dream about being chased by an angry seal and singing to Rihanna with a horse. This is probably why I don't sleep. FML

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The best cat

Great boyfriend

You snooze, you lose

By rawr - 30/10/2019 18:00

Losing my mind

Today, I managed to lose a 3XL fleece jacket in my house, which had my wallet and car keys in it. I had the pleasure of explaining this to my boss when I had to call in, after everyone I called did not respond. FML

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By jadakorn - 11/7/2009 13:48 - United States

Today, I got home and threw my phone onto my bed as usual. This time it bounced out the window. FML

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By Adam Jensen - 18/6/2012 04:39 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I was at work when a co-worker decided it would be funny to email me from my boss's computer to tell me I had been laid off. It wasn't funny when I was fired for real after "skipping work without giving notice." FML

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By Told_You_So - 9/7/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my mom and dad. My mom turned around and asked, "Have you had sex yet?" I said no, which is true. My dad cracked up and said, "Told you so!" My mom frowned, took out her wallet, and handed him $20. My parents bet on my nonexistent sex life. FML

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By PseudoHappiness - 18/7/2016 00:16 - United States

Today, I found out my debit card information has been compromised and that someone in San Jose, CA has completely drained my bank account. Joke's on them though. I was already broke as fuck. FML

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By akieferr - 3/9/2014 02:41 - United States

Today, while undergoing the cumbersome task of screwing the tiny silver ball onto my lip piercing, I clumsily dropped it onto the counter and watched it bounce into the trash can, where it nestled snugly into a used maxi pad. FML

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By bunyipp - 23/9/2017 04:00 - Australia - Macquarie Park

Today, I was at work and a lady came in with a cake - I work as a nurse in a pediatrics ward. While we were eating the cake, she told us she used her breast milk instead of normal milk. Now all of us nurses have to be tested. FML

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By ColdHeat - 16/4/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I shared our first kiss. His partly digested nachos decided to make an appearance halfway through. FML

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By IndianAngel96 - 29/10/2012 22:39 - United States - Houston

Today, while in a pharmacy, I walked over to the shaving cream aisle. I picked up a can to smell it and unknowingly pushed the button, spraying an old guy in front of me. He freaked out and started telling everyone that the ceiling above him was leaking. FML

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By idgit42 - 27/7/2010 22:15 - United States

Today, I didn't realize until I was home that I'd thrown my retainer away with my tray at Chick-fil-A. FML

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By notcountry! - 27/6/2019 02:30

Today, even though my mom’s only ever been to the south once, she’s completely obsessed with talking with a bad, overly exaggerated southern accent. Not to mention constantly prattling off random nonsensical country phrases. We’re from and still live in California, nowhere near any country. FML

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By Noname - 19/2/2009 23:17 - United States

Today, I was at the library studying. There was a really cute guy across the room. I decided to play it cool and walk his way and grab some water. Right as I walked by, my body decided to let out the loudest fart. He laughed. I kept walking and asked my friend to grab my books. FML

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By Kelleee - 30/9/2017 20:00

Today, I paid £200 for a car service to make sure everything was running okay. I got the all clear that everything was perfect and all necessary fluids topped up. I then wrote the car off 20 minutes later in an accident. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2015 12:36 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my ex-boyfriend dumped sand into the crankcase of my truck and then filled it to the top with water after I dumped him for being immature and not respecting my things. FML

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By HappilyNeverAfter - 18/9/2014 03:14 - Canada - Port Perry

Today, a guy asked me out, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I soon realized that it wasn't butterflies, but an unexpected bowel movement. I stood there awkwardly, looking him in the eyes, then farted hard. FML

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By McSlave - 18/1/2015 07:04 - Australia - Cammeray

Today, a customer tried to order a Zinger burger. I tried to explain that he was at McDonalds and that the Zinger is a KFC burger. He accused me of lying to him and tried to report me to my manager. FML

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By Undercooked - 24/9/2013 19:08 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my girlfriend made bacon sandwiches for lunch. I didn't want to be rude, but I couldn't help but mention that the bacon smelled and tasted weird. I thought it may have expired. She said not to worry because she used the dry bacon under the counter. Those were dog treats. FML

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By thanksbabe - 12/1/2013 06:32 - United States

Today, after a week of intense fighting, my girlfriend of 4 years and I hung out. She told me she loved me, and I pointed out that last week she said she was going to dump me. Without missing a beat, she replied, "Only to scare you into submission." FML

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By KnightToucan - 21/6/2019 02:09

Today, I got written up at work over false accusations that I didn't do some safety tasks. The same tasks that were done before I had even arrived. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2010 06:47 - United States

Today, for my Teen Living class, all the students got a fake baby. In order to stop the baby from crying, you have to use the bracelet they provide. I lost the bracelet. I have the baby all weekend. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2019 20:03

Today, I went straight from a kickboxing class to a first date. I coughed and a tooth that must have been knocked loose during free sparring fell into my hand, and I got blood on my shirt and the table. My date had a blood phobia and passed out, breaking her own front tooth on the table edge FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 05:00

Stained

Today, I found out that my wife's dog had peed on my side of the bed, while I was sleeping. I thought I had just drooled in my sleep, until I noticed it had turned yellow during the day. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2014 17:55 - United States - Newport

Today, I happily announced that I'm getting married. My dad immediately shot back, "And I'm getting E.D., who gives a damn?" Just when I thought he was joking, he muttered that "the bitch" will take everything in our divorce. Moment ruined. FML

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By neverdoingthatagain - 27/2/2016 03:35 - United States - Pottstown

Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones made her extremely horny. The doctor said that intercourse during pregnancy was very healthy, so we decided to do it. Let's just say that the bumpy ride didn't help her morning sickness. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2011 06:58 - United States

Today, I saw an unbelievably cute guy. He caught my eye and began to walk towards me. I adjusted myself and flashed him a smile. He came up to me, smiled back, and said "Hi, do you have a minute for gay rights?" FML

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By GeoKid - 18/3/2013 03:09 - Canada

Today, after six months of writing a 40 page paper criticizing a famous method, I found out the professor who conceived it has transferred to my favorite college to head the department I'm applying to study in. They require I submit the paper with my application. FML

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By Theguyinthedark - 30/6/2016 13:23 - Bangladesh

Today, my roommate and I were watching TV, and he ordered a pizza. After it was delivered, I took a slice. He yelled at me for taking his food and told me to stop mooching off him. I had to cover his rent last month and he still hasn't paid me back. FML

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By potatohead - 1/11/2017 18:00

Today, I had a nasty headache so I tried to take a nap. Unfortunately, my college had a homecoming parade a block away from where I live. I never knew our marching band sounded that awful. FML

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By deranged - 25/5/2017 19:00 - Ukraine - Pirogov

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the bank to get her new ATM card. As the bank teller gave her the card, he said that the PIN remained the same. Indignant, she cried out, "How do you possibly know my PIN code?" She's 27. FML

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By Devil's Pigeon - 18/4/2017 14:00

Today, on vacation, I had my first encounter with a macaw parrot, who promptly bit my ear and shat on me while amused tourists laughed and took pictures. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2010 17:09 - United States

Today, after suggesting to my daughter for a while that she should try out for a cheerleading team to become more confident, she went to tryouts. She didn't make the team and she's spent the last six hours in her room crying. FML

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By Piggirl - 13/7/2018 19:00

Today, one day after our 12-year wedding anniversary, which my husband failed to acknowledge, I found a receipt in his pocket for chlamydia testing. We haven't had sex in two years. FML

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By AshWil - 26/6/2015 16:54 - United States - Washington

Today, I accidentally posted an extensive, negative review of the gynecologist I visited earlier this week. I messed up and posted it from my work's customer service email, so now it looks like the large, well-known company I work for had a poor gynecological experience. FML

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By sallyfradoodle - 13/3/2020 21:00

New Romantics

Today, I told my boyfriend of two years that he was my first kiss. His reply? I was the first person he ever whacked off to. FML

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By danii - 4/10/2011 01:19 - Reserved

Today, I woke up after a few friends came over last night. There are eggs, coins and Oreos glued to the ceiling, 10 broken jars, no food left, and most of the contents of my house are in the garden. And I'm naked and covered in permanent marker drawings of Pokémon. My parents return in an hour. FML

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By amilia - 7/11/2018 12:00

Today, I went on a blind date with a guy at a seafood restaurant. I explained to him that I am deathly allergic to shrimp. When the waiter took my order, he interrupted me and said, “She’ll have the shrimp," while looking me dead in the eye. FML

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By RickTheBoy - 10/7/2013 12:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after a haircut, I walked to the cash register, handed the hairdresser a $20 bill and said, "Keep the change." He looked at me with a blank expression and replied, "The haircut costs 25 dollars." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2012 22:47 - United States

Today, I had to slowly explain to my boss that in some parts of the world, it's currently winter, due to the different hemispheres. He scoffed, accused me of "making shit up," and said that if I took him for a fool again, I'd be looking for a new job. FML

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By IGotFinessed - 14/11/2019 14:00 - United States - New Fairfield

Fortunately, she is gone

Today, I just realized that my ex-girlfriend has been using my credit card to buy condoms, beer, and dildos just to piss me off. FML

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By Mr Hawks - 19/12/2008 05:17 - France

Today, I decided to put my computer on slideshow mode. Did you know that hidden files are also read when you put slideshow on? I discovered this, as did my entire family, when my naked girlfriend appeared on the screen. FML

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Top comments

By ohishkabibble | 21

#5847485 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:01

Were you by any chance watching videos of cute baby seals and listening to Rhi today? Because one theory about sleep is that it's about information processing; that is, our dreams are a result of us consolidating memories from our day. For example, that's probably why my girlfriend has so many dreams that play out like video games, since she plays video games every day. Don't worry too much about your weird dreams, OP!

By Kamon97 | 23

#5847515 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:29

It's amazing at how little people pay attention when reading FML's

Comments

By Rizzen | 27

#5847480 - Monday 3 February 2014 15:57

yea, I know that feel. hope you can finally get some sleep OP. and please go see a doctor OP

Reply

Mightyrif | 23

#5847522 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:38

He already said he did... Maybe you should get some meds :b

Reply

LittlestPrincess | 21

#5847526 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:42

or get off meds ;)

Reply

KittenSandwich | 9

#5847539 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:55

Did you even read the FML #1?

Reply

Futacy | 29

#5847614 - Monday 3 February 2014 19:53

Lol, did you only read the first five words?

By 746278Ab | 14

#5847481 - Monday 3 February 2014 15:57

It's time for some medication!

Reply

Kamon97 | 23

#5847515 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:29

It's amazing at how little people pay attention when reading FML's

Reply

Amberosia | 10

#5847589 - Monday 3 February 2014 19:06

So true. Especially when I have seen several people refer to this OP as "him" when the gender symbol quite obviously identifies the OP as a female.

Reply

LalaDee561 | 8

#5848531 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 17:50

I think #2 meant it as time to start taking medication AGAIN. at least that's how I first read it.

Reply

pugpuggy | 21

#5863379 - Thursday 20 February 2014 3:14

*Points to the part that said OP took medication.*

By Pauschinator | 22

#5847482 - Monday 3 February 2014 15:58

It is because the Broncos lost, isn't it?

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5847511 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:27

Australians probably don't care.

Reply

Goblin182 | 26

#5847549 - Monday 3 February 2014 17:10

Everyone cares about Peyton Manning's legacy.

Reply

B1ackthesun | 31

#5847577 - Monday 3 February 2014 18:30

Who #30? I have no idea who that is. As an Australian, like op, I can confirm no, not everyone cares. Not even close.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5847590 - Monday 3 February 2014 19:06

#30, totally! He can't retire after a stinker like yesterday. Sure, his numbers looked good, but they're easy to rack up when you throw 4-yard passes.

A stinking turd of a game to cap off an MVP season. Horrible!

Reply

ThatFancyPenn | 18

#5847636 - Monday 3 February 2014 20:46

Let's not talk about that game.

Reply

junkman6 | 22

#5847648 - Monday 3 February 2014 21:09

They have a better contact sport to worry about. Rugby.

By ohishkabibble | 21

#5847485 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:01

Were you by any chance watching videos of cute baby seals and listening to Rhi today? Because one theory about sleep is that it's about information processing; that is, our dreams are a result of us consolidating memories from our day. For example, that's probably why my girlfriend has so many dreams that play out like video games, since she plays video games every day. Don't worry too much about your weird dreams, OP!

Reply

coklara | 15

#5847597 - Monday 3 February 2014 19:21

What's her gamer tag

Reply

dachayke | 16

#5847612 - Monday 3 February 2014 19:52

#46 probably read #4's comment like:

yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada GIRL yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada VIDEO GAMES yada yada yada.

Reply

doodlecloud | 26

#5847757 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 0:20

Although I think there is some validity to this theory, sometimes people do just have weird dreams. A lot of my dreams are pretty weird and I can't see any correlation between most of them and real life. It shouldn't be a reason not to sleep though - embrace the dreams OP! (I assume there's more to the insomnia but still)

Reply

Fuzy2K | 7

#5849465 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 15:31

There's no real life explanation for the dream I had in which my dad called me on a payphone (as in, I was standing next to a payphone in a mall, and it rang) to tell me he was angry with my sister and wanted me to fill her prosthetic ear with Krazy Glue.

I don't even HAVE a sister.

By peasonearth | 8

#5847486 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:01

medication might be your next step OP, it worked for me after my sleepwalking included me making mac and cheese and spilling the boiling water onto myself

Reply

LonerTheWolf35 | 8

#5847574 - Monday 3 February 2014 18:15

OP has already tried medicine

Reply

kieralumina | 30

#5847576 - Monday 3 February 2014 18:18

Please re-read the FML. OP did use meds. This is the result of the meds.

Reply

CommentModerated | 17

#5847582 - Monday 3 February 2014 18:49

The irony, 38. "I finally feel asleep without the help of medication."

Reply

FracturedMinds | 21

#5847672 - Monday 3 February 2014 21:57

More ironic being corrected by a girl named CommentModerated. At which i giggled slightly.

By WhatsOpTic | 11

#5847487 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:01

That's just strange girl.

Reply

Verst | 16

#5847599 - Monday 3 February 2014 19:25

Or, (going our on a limb) she has insomnia.

By sdroze1389 | 31

#5847488 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:01

yeah that does suck, I have insomnia and sleep terror as well. at least you didn't have my last nightmare where I was being eaten alive by roaches :-)

Reply

Lanker | 17

#5847718 - Monday 3 February 2014 23:02

Aww, now I have the image of me getting eaten by roaches stuck in my head. Guess who won't be getting any sleep tonight :

Reply

ChristianH39 | 30

#5848494 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 16:14

#7 there are very, very few people I would wish that dream upon.

By TheKittiesTitays | 8

#5847489 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:02

LSD is a hell of a drug

By perdix | 29

#5847492 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:04

Do you mean the animal or singer with the scarred face?

Did Rihanna have the horse or were the two of you serenading her?

Reply

UnknownJoe | 6

#5847530 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:45

It was just SEAL chasing him, after listening to his crappy duet with Sarah Jessica Parker.

By WCARlover | 34

#5847494 - Monday 3 February 2014 16:10

I bet the horse sounded better than Rihanna too