Miscellaneous: Today, after working 8 hours and immediately packing my house...

28/08/2015 04:40 - United States - Redding

Today, after working 8 hours and immediately packing my house for another 6 hours to prepare for moving, I was extremely exhausted and more than ready to brush my teeth and go to bed. I tiredly brushed my teeth with my mascara. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 315

You deserved it 4 323

Miscellaneous

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Mama's boy

Another great day to be alive

17/06/2014 20:44 - United States

Today, while at the waterpark, some guy came up to me and profusely thanked me for wearing a one-piece swimsuit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 073

You deserved it 8 074

You OK mom?

By today - 09/09/2021 12:01 - United States - Denver

Today, I woke up in a good mood, and I excitedly shared with my mom that I was in a "wonderful mood." Her response was to yell at me because she’s "had it with my fucking sarcasm." She refuses to believe I wasn’t being sarcastic. Day ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 931

You deserved it 117

16/07/2009 15:02 - United States

Today, we went up for visitor's day for my son's Jewish summer camp. We don't keep kosher, but most of his fellow campers do. When we went around in the circle saying our favorite foods, he said, "my mom makes the best pork chops." We got dirty looks for the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 271

You deserved it 13 595

28/08/2018 20:30

Today, I found out I'm pregnant with my second child. This wouldn't be so bad if my son wasn't only 10 months old and my partner, the father of my children, hadn't been secretly seeing his ex wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 151

You deserved it 606

Cones

By Blinkin - 08/09/2021 02:00

Today, I recently woke up colourblind and so far no doctor or surgeon can tell me why. I'm a graphic designer, I went to university and put years of practise into this specific skill set, I need to see in colour or this could cost me my job and ruin my career prospects. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 424

You deserved it 50

02/08/2010 17:55 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's father offered her $10 to stop talking to me. I don't have a girlfriend anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 769

You deserved it 5 127

21/02/2009 02:49 - United States

Today, I handed in an assignment in health class that had to calculate my BMI. Embarassed by my weight I put it 15 pounds less. I got the assignment back and lost credit for something. Circled in red pen on the top was you must put your "EXACT" weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 593

You deserved it 18 857

26/11/2015 07:57 - United States

Today, I managed to accidentally drop an entire cake on my laptop's keyboard. There's so much frosting stuck under the keys, I have no idea how I'm going to clean it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 662

You deserved it 7 401

Know your equipment

By Angelica Zoe - 13/06/2021 21:59

Today, while playing a game of Cards Against Humanity, I had to explain to 3 grown men that there is NOT an actual bone in their dicks. It's mostly vascular tissue that swells and becomes rigid, and a broken dick is when they pop one of the two main vascular tubes, which can cause many severe problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 992

You deserved it 79

08/01/2010 05:39 - United States

Today, my boss told me when I transfer to a Target in Orlando I should work in the clothing department. He said it would be a good way for me to meet chicks. I told him all the girls who work in clothing in that store are ugly as hell. Apparently his daughters work there. I never knew that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 343

You deserved it 31 332

21/01/2015 19:06 - United States - Broken Bow

Today, while begging my wife for sex for once, she told me she didn't have time. I said it wouldn't take long. She said "I know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 135

You deserved it 11 648

22/04/2017 18:00

Today, I can now identify which of my four roommates is using the washroom, based on their grunts. I just love having a bedroom beside the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 013

You deserved it 281

25/06/2015 03:54 - United States

Today, I was informed, after being broken up with, that my girlfriend's father only set her up with me so that she would have more motivation to shower on a regular basis. He actually yelled at me for being broken up with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 347

You deserved it 1 961

15/05/2014 05:40 - United States

Today, I received yet another rejection letter from a college I'd applied to. After crying for a week about how lousy I felt, my older sister gave me all 6 of the acceptance letters she'd been hiding. Turns out she's been forging rejection letters and keeping the real ones in her room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 889

You deserved it 5 453

10/07/2013 07:51 - United States

Today, I was over my grandparents' house for my grandfather's birthday. For years they would talk to each other in Italian and I could never understand them, so I started to take an online class to teach myself Italian. Now I know all they talk about is how much they hate everything about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 965

You deserved it 4 479

13/06/2016 15:37 - Australia - Turramurra

Today, I walked into pawn shop and found a nice laptop which I inspected after I thought I lost mine months ago. Turns out my ex pawned it after having it at her place all this time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 259

You deserved it 1 235

19/02/2015 16:06 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, whilst walking to a primary school to give pupils a lesson on cleanliness, I tripped and landed on a dog turd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 680

You deserved it 3 246

30/12/2008 20:27 - United States

Today, I just found out that my brother in law and his wife frequent a swingers establishment that me and the wife have visited. Which is OK I suppose (providing we never see each other there) but he told me his parents go there too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 153

You deserved it 6 342

27/04/2011 10:50

Today, I was taking a dump in a porta-potty at a fair. I had the runs really bad. All I have to say is that it's tough to take a shit that seems never-ending while other people outside are bitching at you and hammering on the flimsy door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 080

You deserved it 3 818

11/08/2009 08:58 - United States

Today, I was at the pool, casually flirting with one of the lifeguards. He said that he would gladly give me CPR, in the event that I needed it. I laughed and thanked him, stating that it was a sweet idea, even though I wouldn't be needing assistance. I then choked on my bottled water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 908

You deserved it 44 773

Panic buying? What panic buying?

By Paul Rushing - 19/03/2020 15:00

Today, at the supermarket where I work, we had at least 40 people waiting outside for us to open our doors at 7:00 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 593

You deserved it 260

14/11/2017 05:00

Today, everyone was signing a birthday card to surprise a coworker. I was told to go find someone who hadn't signed it so I went to the office next to mine, opened the door, and told them about the card. The intended recipient was sitting behind the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 883

You deserved it 1 225

11/04/2017 15:00 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I'm living in a house share with a passive-aggressive middle-aged couple who leave rude notes around the house and yet pretend I don't exist when they happen to be in the same room as me. I'm in no position to get rid of them or move myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 748

You deserved it 315

22/04/2009 21:46 - United States

Today, I went to my son's soccer game. I cheered his name at the top my lungs and waved with a grin on my face. I saw him whisper something to a team mate so I watched the film my husband took later that night. His friend asked, "Who is that?" and my son replied, "I don't know some fat bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 101 564

You deserved it 19 133

21/04/2015 00:16 - United States - Newton

Today, I was sent to the front office for having blood shot eyes and smelling like smoke. I just didn't get enough sleep and had trouble putting my contacts in, and I always smell like smoke because of my parents' excessive smoking. They didn't believe me. My parents had to come in to back me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 886

You deserved it 2 310

20/06/2015 19:03 - United States - Manchester

Today, I was trying to sleep in the car, and when I went to rest my face on my fist, our car hit a bump and I ended up punching myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 620

You deserved it 4 161

05/07/2019 05:58

Today, while we were in a hotel, I got so drunk I apparently couldn't find my room, and passed out in the corridor. I woke up to see hotel staff calling security. FML

I agree, your life sucks 638

You deserved it 1 917

17/12/2011 11:09 - United States

Today, after staying up all night with an excruciating headache, it finally went away. I crawled into bed and snuggled up to my husband only to have him shift positions and elbow me right in the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 966

You deserved it 3 109

Not working out too well, huh?

By Coldandcalculated - 13/10/2021 02:00

Today, I learned that my fiancée copied my house key early into our relationship. The reason being is that in case I were to catch her cheating, which I did, she could come in and trash my place when I called off the wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 296

You deserved it 113

17/08/2011 09:50 - United States

Today, I counted the amount of stuff that my dad had bought within a week: a brand new boat, car, and truck. He also has countless gadgets at his office, including a 60" television. Our house is literally falling apart but Mr. Midlife-crisis won't do anything to help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 694

You deserved it 2 800

27/01/2014 23:09 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I got a black eye while trying to break up a fight caused by some complete bastard making a "yo momma" joke at the funeral of my best friend's mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 853

You deserved it 4 869

04/06/2011 09:36 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from high school at the exact pizza shop we met at where I worked in high school. She broke it off with me after she caught me cheating with her best friend. These days, she's a lawyer who makes six figures a year. I still work at the same pizza shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 280

You deserved it 125 629

25/01/2013 06:11 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out the hard way that I'm severely allergic to latex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 320

You deserved it 4 728

19/05/2013 21:27 - United States - Midland

Today, the extremely uncooperative client whom I'm trying to defend in court sent me a letter in which he threatened to sue me, because charging him for my services supposedly violates his "constipational rights". FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 212

You deserved it 3 903

14/11/2009 18:38 - United States

Today, I asked a girl I like out. She ended up having an asthma attack because she was laughing so hard. I guess that's a no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 644

You deserved it 2 888

Et tu, Brute?

By Anonymous - 30/07/2018 15:00

Today, I applied for a new job as a maintenance technician. About 10 minutes after submitting my resume, I received a rejection letter. My girlfriend is their HR person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 256

You deserved it 435

21/01/2009 22:36 - United States

Today, my study partner for my biology class didn't go to lecture. Not once has he gone to lecture. I went to almost every lecture. He got better grades than I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 022

You deserved it 3 917

13/12/2013 03:08 - United States - Waco

Today, my boss found out that my girlfriend dumped me. He asked if that meant she would no longer bring her delicious homemade cookies to the office. When I said yes, he fired me on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 687

You deserved it 3 396

13/04/2016 14:04 - United States - Bel Air

Today, while opening up to a few friends about how I was sexually abused as a child, one of them blurted "Pics or it didn't happen." How did the others react? With outrage? No, just with awkward chuckling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 115

You deserved it 2 059

Thoughts and prayers

By Anonymous - 03/10/2021 20:00 - United States - Southampton

Today, I lost keys to my car, studio, house, and a storage unit in a busy city park with no chance of recovering them after searching for hours. I have to cancel work and my car is going to be towed because of street sweeping. O, woe is me! Send a prayer and Love and perhaps my keys by carrier pigeon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 790

You deserved it 200

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Top comments

MasterTron 24

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Friday 28 August 2015 16:28

Easy breezy cover teeth

Spencyy 18

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Friday 28 August 2015 16:28

Are your teeth now well defined?

MasterTron 24

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Friday 28 August 2015 16:28

Easy breezy cover teeth

Spencyy 18

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Friday 28 August 2015 16:28

Are your teeth now well defined?

ohSNAPyall 26

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Friday 28 August 2015 20:58

Her teeth are voluminous.

wickedhyype 17

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Friday 28 August 2015 16:30

Well... Did you die?

I_Like_Dogs 28

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Friday 28 August 2015 17:02

Yes, there's Wi-Fi in afterlife. Luckily, OP was buried with her smartphone.

Ichiya 29

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Friday 28 August 2015 23:09

Sadly yes, but they lived!!!!

dannidoll93 24

Friday 28 August 2015 16:31

Do you have fuller, longer looking teeth? Did you also lengthen your eyelashes with toothpaste?

kianabanannna 21

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Friday 28 August 2015 16:33

Did it give you that London look?

Eliiara 11

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Friday 28 August 2015 17:36

This made me smile and actually laugh :) Thank you.

hellnosucka 27

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Friday 28 August 2015 16:42

time to prank a dentist.

IronMan_Mk43 20

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Friday 28 August 2015 16:52

I hope you didn't swallow any of the mascara because it doesn't make your stomach look fuller

trulypar 34

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Friday 28 August 2015 16:53

It could have been worse...you could have minty fresh eyelashes.

Eliiara 11

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Friday 28 August 2015 17:35

Oh god I can't imagine the pain of toothpaste in my eye/contact lens.

felipe2342 18

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Friday 28 August 2015 17:06

Not related to the fml but fml needs to allow people to undo button presses. I pressed ydi unintentionally.

XtremeHeat 14

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Saturday 29 August 2015 0:48

SAME I do that all the time and its so annoying!

blcksocks 19

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Friday 28 August 2015 17:29

I wish you would just "make-up" your mind...

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 134

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 488

You deserved it 122

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 451

You deserved it 136

You OK mom?

Cones

Know your equipment

Panic buying? What panic buying?

Not working out too well, huh?

Et tu, Brute?

Thoughts and prayers

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