Today, after waiting 2 hours for my landlord to leave so I could...

By chubbs - 28/5/2014 21:07 - United States - Vacaville

Today, after waiting 2 hours for my landlord to leave so I could take a shit in peace, I sat down on the toilet. The doorbell immediately rang. It was my landlord, who wanted to let me know that he had just backed into my car. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Boozehound alert

Tense

By humanalarmclock - 21/5/2010 04:40 - United States

Today, I realized my boyfriend only asks me to come spend the night when he needs me to wake him up in the morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2017 02:00

Today, after I caught my husband cheating and lying, he had the nerve to claim it wasn't a big deal because, "I always come home to you!" FML

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By oh lord - 27/5/2012 16:06 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I've been working on a novel for the past six months, and what would have been mid-way through, I accidentally said the main character's name instead of my boyfriend's. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2013 16:47 - United States - Trenton

Today, I left my dog in the car while I quickly ran into a store. I came out to a woman smashing at my window, screaming that it was too hot in the car for the dog and saying I was being inhumane. The car was still running and the air conditioning was on. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 08:03

Unloved

Today, my dad lied and said he was busy working, all because he didn't want to see me. FML

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By jlol - 5/3/2015 14:32 - United States

Today, my teacher reached over to hand me a paper. I thought it would be funny to flinch and say, "Dad, please don't hit me". Unfortunately, he didn't think it was a joke, so I got questioned by the on-campus officer. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2013 18:01 - Mexico - Ensenada

Today, I was denounced for being a terrible person, because my family raises chickens, some of which we eat. I was then told how cruel I am for "killing innocent birds" and that "good" people buy their meat from the supermarket. FML

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By Anonameow - 2/1/2016 16:57 - United States - Fairfax

Today, after driving for four hours to visit my best friend for the New Years break, she still hasn't finished up her skype conversation and left her room to greet me. She knows I'm here. I've spent the last hours watching youtube videos with her cat. FML

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By nopissleft - 20/12/2013 21:05 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I woke up to a loud crashing in the middle of the night. I went to investigate, but found nothing amiss. Nothing except an axe firmly wedged in my front door, that is. It's safe to say that I have no clue who did it, and that I needed a fresh pair of underwear. FML

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By It's Something - 27/10/2017 13:00 - United States - Toledo

Welcome to retail.

Today, I finally got a new job. Now, instead of dealing with trashy, rude young adults all day, I get to deal with self-entitled, berating old people all day. I'm not sure which is worse. FML

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By ProudASDmom - 30/3/2016 02:39 - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, my son's first impression of our new neighborhood was to be yelled at by the first kid he tried to introduce himself to, because my son was on the edge of their lawn. Half-an-hour later, I got a lecture at the corner store, because the clerk thinks vaccinations caused my son's autism. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2018 19:00

Man vs Boy

Today, it was my first day at a new gym, which cost a fortune. Some skinny teen who had clearly never lifted in his life dropped a weight while I was stretching and broke my ankle. Money down the drain. FML

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By lxygrl - 20/7/2019 13:07 - United States - Phenix City

Today, I was told I have kidney stones, kidney infections, and a bladder infection and that I have to get admitted into the hospital. I let my boss know, and she replied, "But you're still coming in for your shift tonight, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2010 17:06 - Canada

Today, while waiting on the platform, a blind man asked out loud for some help getting into the subway car. I helped him through the doors and into a seat. I decided to sit down as well. Twenty minutes later, I realized I was on the wrong subway line. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2013 01:26 - United States - Tulsa

Today, in my job as an assistant at a music venue, I had to get posters signed by that night's performer. When I walked into the dressing room, I was told, "unless you're sucking my cock then get the fuck out of here" and had the posters slapped out of my hands. It's my job to deal with these pricks. FML

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By chchboy - 22/5/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, I went all the way for the first time with my girlfriend. After I had finished, she asked me, "What just happened? Was that sex?" I wasn't sure either. FML

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By twitch - 7/10/2019 18:00

Today, on Maury…

Today, I found out I'm pregnant after 14 years of being told I'll likely never have kids. My fiancé has a 7 year-old child with a woman who used it to stop him from leaving her. Yesterday, she filed a false report/restraining order to keep him from his kid, because he refused to leave me. FML

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By Disgusted - 4/2/2011 02:14 - United States

Today, I learned that my house's fly infestation is worse than I thought. I now have maggots crawling and dropping from my ceiling. I have to sleep under them. FML

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By nootnoot - 10/5/2016 06:33 - New Zealand - Tauranga

Today, some people in my class here in New Zealand found out that I'm from Canada, then spent the rest of the period asking if I had a pet moose and whether or not I lived in an igloo. They were completely genuine questions. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2014 14:58 - United States - Chicopee

Today, I finally got around to cleaning out my mother's things after her passing. In the process I found a fancy box. What did it contain? A collection of crack pipes. FML

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By Ihatemylife - 3/3/2013 12:17 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, in the middle of sex, my girlfriend asked me, "Are you sure you're a guy?" I still have no idea what that was for. FML

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By YouDontSay - 10/5/2015 15:35 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I had sex with a guy I've liked for ages. We were lying in his bed afterwards, and he mumbled the word "happy". I thought it was really sweet, until he repeated himself. "My girlfriend probably won't be too happy about this." FML

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By sighoutloud - 16/10/2009 03:36 - United States

Today, my fiancé told my mom that she screwed me up. I now have to write an apologetic e-mail to her for something that I agree with, in order for her to stop calling me crying. FML

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By noname - 17/2/2009 17:15 - United States

Today, I dropped my 400 dollar iphone, that's been through toilets and 6 foot falls, on a walmart floor and shattered the screen. I managed, however, to catch the 2 dollar macaroni and cheese before it hit the ground. FML

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By AlienZ - 12/4/2009 02:44 - United States

Today, my parents asked if I wanted to go to military school so I said, "Yeah, that would be awesome," thinking it was a joke. They weren't joking. FML

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By yollew - 25/11/2011 06:27 - United States

Today, I chipped a tooth trying to solve a Rubik's Cube. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2015 23:47 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I opened my Christmas presents with my husband. One of the things he got me was a ball gag. "Yeah," he said with a grin, "That one's more for me but I didn't wanna buy myself headphones." Cue our son asking me what it was. FML

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By engaged - 29/3/2009 14:03 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in the food court at the mall. When she said "yes", the entire food court broke out in applause, and my girlfriend and I were escorted out of the mall for "starting a riot". I never knew clapping was a crime. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2011 17:53 - Canada

Today, I am pregnant, and my boyfriend dumped me, saying that he didn't want to be stuck in anything too serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 15:57 - Canada

Call Mario

Today, I was making out with a guy in a washroom at a party. Things got heavy and the guy lifted me onto the sink. The sink broke off from the wall. This caused a flood in the apartment. The party was canceled. FML

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By fatty - 14/8/2014 03:46 - United States - Madison

Today, I was chatting with the cute new receptionist at the gym. I told her that I would be going there more if she was there. She looked me up and down and said that I should go regardless. FML

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By TakenAdvantageOf - 15/9/2017 04:30

Today, my husband asked to borrow money. He couldn't pay his half of the rent or utilities this month, but he did manage to buy a $1,700 radio. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2017 16:00

Today, my 3-year-old niece brushed my hair, making sure to be gentle so she wouldn't hurt me. When it was time to brush the front, she made sure to meticulously brush my mustache. I'm a woman. FML

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By Ow - 18/4/2014 11:09 - United States - Golden Valley

Today, due to my short temper, I punched myself in the nose because I wouldn't stop sneezing. FML

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By caphis - 3/5/2009 06:17 - United States

Today, I got a cross-country job promotion. I decided to plan my Going-Away-Forever party, and bought a pack of 100 invitations. After mailing them out to all my friends, I have 92 left. FML

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By No-Sleep Nellie - 7/7/2015 13:26 - United States - Waterloo

Today, my mother woke me up by loudly vacuuming the house. I had to work the next morning, so I asked her what she was thinking. She told me that if I was really tired and needed sleep, I wouldn't have woken up. It was 3 AM. FML

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By jasmith - 18/11/2012 07:45 - United States - Addison

Today, my girlfriend claimed she was a Viking because she's pale and has blond hair. She also warned me that if I piss her off she'll go 'berserk' on me. She demonstrated by smacking me in the nuts with a wooden spoon. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2015 00:44 - United States

Today, my grandma is refusing to talk to me because I didn't answer her phone calls while we were at a parade. I was in it. FML

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By NewTenant - 20/6/2011 07:37 - United States

Today, while a very cute girl was explaining the apartment's laundry machines to me, I blurted out, "It's okay, my pants are used to handling huge loads". FML

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By child - 10/12/2015 02:24 - United States - Avon

Today, my mom was driving with my brothers and sister in the back seat. She was turned around talking to us, when my sister told my mom that she missed the light. She ran it, then screamed at us about not paying attention and noticing your surroundings. FML

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Top comments

By icnburbbygrl | 23

#5959475 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:41

Did you answer the door with your pants around your ankles?

By abhi95 | 31

#5959481 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:44

Well I guess you don't have to pay the rent for a few months

COMMENTS

By toxicsauce | 10

#5959474 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:40

Holy shit... Literally

kittyfrozen | 19

#5959514 - Thursday 29 May 2014 9:51

seems like every time 'that word' is mentioned, that comment gets downvoted

yahoowizard | 16

#5959521 - Thursday 29 May 2014 10:04

No it's downvoted because it makes no sense. Maybe if a priest took a dump on OP the comment makes sense, literally, but in this case, no.

xx000o | 27

#5959549 - Thursday 29 May 2014 12:08

shit happens.

katieemerr | 15

#5959654 - Thursday 29 May 2014 15:34

It is a bit shit to be honest though..

Testing1234 | 25

#5960351 - Friday 30 May 2014 5:14

did op at least finish taking a shit?

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5960769 - Friday 30 May 2014 19:24

Piece of Shit landlord...

By icnburbbygrl | 23

#5959475 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:41

Did you answer the door with your pants around your ankles?

z3r0d4z3 | 22

#5959485 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:49

With phone in hand, and toilet paper stuck on shoes. Complete the look!

Metagame | 12

#5960294 - Friday 30 May 2014 3:16

Not just the shoes.

By LegendaryMant | 4

#5959478 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:43

What a shitty day.

VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#5959715 - Thursday 29 May 2014 16:09

Nobody laughs at these any more.

9echo | 17

#5959728 - Thursday 29 May 2014 16:18

HOLY SHIT! Can we stop shitting on FMLs with all these shitty "shit" comments? It's just starting to make my daily FML reading-time really shitty...

By ami_me | 10

#5959480 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:44

.....shit!

By abhi95 | 31

#5959481 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:44

Well I guess you don't have to pay the rent for a few months

pimrol | 16

#5959491 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:56

or he gets sued for parking his car in the wrong place by his landlord. and then he loses all his money

Psychicgirl17 | 18

#5959561 - Thursday 29 May 2014 12:19

why would u assume OP parked in the wrong spot? maybe the landlord is a shitty driver. ever think of that?

niallo | 23

#5959737 - Thursday 29 May 2014 16:27

The landlord hit a parked car. Unless it was parked in the middle of the road, it's the landlords fault. Even then, the landlord is moving, the parked car is not. I can't see how any fault can be placed on the OP.

jkmartinjk | 16

#5959783 - Thursday 29 May 2014 17:18

I think 11 was making a situation that could possibly be spouted by the landlord so that he doesn't have to pay.

By sweetest_jenn | 18

#5959483 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:47

That wasn't the only thing he backed.

By Imaginefree66 | 4

#5959486 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:49

What happened in the two hours?

By Amanyyyyyy | 29

#5959487 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:52

Free rent for a few months?

Edit- Someone beat me to it

abhi95 | 31

#5966619 - Friday 6 June 2014 7:53

Don't you dare refer to me so casually woman

By 91hayek | 31

#5959493 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:58

Home is where you take the large grip-your-ankles, take-your-shirt-off, sweat-profusely professional dumps. Anywhere else are just amateur shits. I would hate your landlord forever for this simple slight.

By ihavenolifehaha | 16

#5959496 - Thursday 29 May 2014 9:07

What a shitty situation

peacheso | 31

#5959542 - Thursday 29 May 2014 11:14

No. It was actually a sh*tless situation. Stop overusing these puns.