Miscellaneous: Today, after waiting 2 hours for my landlord to leave so I could...

By chubbs - United States - Vacaville

Today, after waiting 2 hours for my landlord to leave so I could take a shit in peace, I sat down on the toilet. The doorbell immediately rang. It was my landlord, who wanted to let me know that he had just backed into my car. FML

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Miscellaneous

Gas giant

Public transport FTW

Ideal first date

By Idontdance - United States

Today, I was at a friend's party. All of the sudden, my friend goes, "Ok girls, get a guy to dance with." Then everyone scrambled to find someone. There was just enough guy-girl pairs. This hot girl and I were the only two left. She looked at me and said, "Umm, I have to use the bathroom." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bedford

Today, I was woken up by my dog touching my foot, so I tried to push it away. Then I realized that I'd kicked my girlfriend in the face. FML

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By zacharynedley - United States - Elkridge

Today, I got fired from my job because my boss thinks that me doing everything he says makes me untrustworthy. FML

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By L - Norway - Trondheim

Today, I woke up after having a dream which included sex with a very hot guy. I realized it's about time I get laid, because the hot guy was Brock from Pokémon. FML

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By superstar - United States

Today, I was at work at Panera. A blind woman came in, ordered and said other blind people were going to come in soon, because they were having a meeting. Later, a man comes in and ask if any other blind people had showed up. I told him there was just one in here wearing a blue shirt. FML

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By coltsfoot - Norway

Today, while having sex with the guy I have seen for about 3 years, he answered the phone. I found out that he had a girlfriend while he was inside me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a girl I knew from high school at the DMV and she started leaning forward. I thought she was leaning into hug me. So I just began to hug her. She was actually trying to throw something in the garbage. FML

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By musicthief - United States - Finleyville

Today, I saw my music teacher, who I considered one of my role-models, on TV. Too bad it was because she'd robbed a church. FML

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By eww - Austria - Vienna

Today, I was at a big family reunion at my aunt's place. Before dinner, I went outside in the garden for a smoke. Through the kitchen window, I saw my cousin spit in the soup. Twice. My aunt patted his back and continued stirring. FML

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By Iwtumn - Austria - Deutschlandsberg

Today, a guy asked me for my number. Now I deeply regret giving it to him, because he won't stop sending me Bible quotes and pictures of Jesus. FML

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By not drunk - Brazil - Santa Maria

Today, I've been one year sober. My health has improved a lot, unlike my social life, which has died a horrible, lonely death. FML

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By annababyyyy - United States - Rockville

Today, my boyfriend pretended to be reading braille while touching my chest acne. FML

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By okay then - United States - Avon Lake

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he found out my birthday is the same day as his, and he thinks we are twins who were separated at birth. FML

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By nicolette5785452 - United States

Today, I shadowed an ultrasound technician for my future career. She did an ultrasound on me to show me how to do the job. I found out I was pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was headed towards the unisex bathroom at physical therapy when another patient looked up at me and quickly looked away. I knew instantly and prepared for the smell, but I wasn't expecting remnants still floating in the toilet. FML

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By spitstopper - United States - Birmingham

Today, I stopped two little boys from spitting over a railing at the piano player two floors below in the department store I work at. Their mom complained to my boss about me. FML

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By Y_Y - United States

Today, I saw my grandma had registered on Facebook, so I wrote a welcome post on her wall. She replied "Delete." several times, then called me, accusing me of "hacking" her and demanding that I remove my name from her page at once. FML

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By ZG_Rules - Netherlands - Wageningen

Today, I disproved a scientific theory created by my supervisor. He was furious and said that I shouldn't have tried to disprove him. He told me to continue working with his theory and now he threatens to fire me if I publish my work. FML

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By sharkboy - United States - Honolulu

Shark Week

Today, while at the beach, as a joke, I told my girlfriend that I was a shark. She then poked my eyes and punched me in the nose. When I started to get mad, she just shrugged and asked, "What? You're the one that wanted to be a shark. Don't you watch Shark Week?" FML

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By beckzx58 - United States

Today, I was pretending to use the force to operate the elevator at my hotel, getting really into it. Someone was waiting to get on at my floor and saw me. Not to mention the staff now brings it up every time I'm around. Apparently they have cameras in their elevators. FML

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By Johnnogood - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my boss fired me because of the way I laugh. Apparently it reminds him too much of his ex-wife's laugh. I'm a guy. FML

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By antwhite1987 - United States - Chicago

Today, my 5 year-old daughter saw me getting ready to sit down in a fold-out camp chair, and told me, with a big smile on her face, "Daddy, you're too fat to sit in that chair. You'll break it with your big butt." Out of the mouths of babes, I guess. FML

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By Marissa Di Stefano - 5/1/2021 17:01

Leave me out of it

Today, my sister and mom were arguing. My sister was being really nasty to my mom, and decided to get nasty with me and drag me into the argument. Naturally, I got nasty back at her and we started fighting. My mom yelled at me for getting nasty with my sister, and kicked me out of the house for “being too nasty.” FML

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By riiiighhhttttt - United States - Laurel

Today, I actually had to explain to my sister that Shrek was not in fact based on a true story. She replied that I'm a "clueless twat". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Union City

Today, some jackass in an Iron Man mask nailed me in the head with a quarter while I was helping other customers. Minimum wage isn't worth this crap. FML

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By bluehairedfreakgirl - United States

Today, I was walking down the sidewalk and heard a little girl ask her dad why I had blue hair. He said, "Sometimes drugs will make people do stupid things." FML

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By Beast - United States - Cleveland

Today, I was cast as beast in my high school's production of Beauty and the Beast. My Grandma's input? "At least they won't need any makeup." FML

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By LostSoul

Today, I was at a store. I asked if I needed a key for their bathroom, and they said the door was open. I have to walk past them to go in and out of the bathroom. Thirty seconds later, they used the key and walked in on me. FML

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By babyfatt - Australia

Today, I handed my resume in to a cafe that was hiring. I returned home and noticed a voicemail, it was one from the boss for a trial. I eagerly returned the call, showing my enthusiasm. Without thinking, I ended with "ok love you. *GASP* ah, BYE" and quickly hung up. FML

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By angrypetowner - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I tried to train my cat to scratch the scratching post by giving her a treat every time she used it, but she took that as getting a treat every time she scratched something. Now, not only does she scratch all my furniture, but she also meows for a treat while doing it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Marlborough

Today, I had to explain to my friend that being arrested isn't something a decent person should have on their bucket list. I had to explain this while bailing her out of jail. FML

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By squishy - United States

Today, my 4-year-old niece told me she likes it when I'm around because I'm "squishy and smell like fried chicken all the time." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in the middle of class, I sneezed out the biggest, wettest booger I have ever seen in my life. I'd used the inside of my elbow to cover my nose, but I neglected to notice that my hair had fallen over my shoulder. I couldn't get it all out of my hair and I don't think any believed me when I said it was hair gel. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, through a mutual friend, I met the girl of my dreams. After flirting and exchanging numbers with her, my friend confessed that she's liked me since the day we met. Now the girl of my dreams doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me out of respect for our friend. FML

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By scarredforlife - United States

Today, it was my mom's birthday, I planned to wish her a happy birthday as she woke up. I opened the door to her room only to see my dad dancing around in an American flag thong. Grimacing in pain I closed the door right away. Not only am I forever disturbed, but now my dad is asking me how he looks naked. FML

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By didntevenknow - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I was fooling around on Omegle, when I came across a guy who claimed he could suck himself off. I was doubtful, but morbidly curious, so I told him to prove it. Turns out he could. Before I could close the browser window in horror, my dad walked in and got a good look too. FML

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By YouBossturd - United States - Washington

Today, I found out that my immediate supervisor had modified my phone in the priority order at our call center. As a result, any calls that came in during the night shift would be routed to my phone first, so that he can play games on his phone uninterrupted. It's been a whole year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned how to use a fire extinguisher. Too bad it was on my brand new oven. FML

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By Shawty - United States

Today, I went on a date, and within the first five minutes, he said, "Before we go any further and get anymore serious, you need to know a few things, I have kissed a guy drunk because it was a dare, and have a $400 silk rose Victoria's Secret blanket." FML

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By WeakBitch

Today, during a judo session, I was paired with a thin, frail-looking rookie. Before a mock skirmish, as I'm much bigger, I said I'd take it easy on her, but also to give it her best shot. She immediately threw me on my face to the floor, knocking me out cold in 7 seconds. FML

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Top comments

By icnburbbygrl | 23

#5959475 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:41

Did you answer the door with your pants around your ankles?

By abhi95 | 31

#5959481 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:44

Well I guess you don't have to pay the rent for a few months

COMMENTS

By toxicsauce | 10

#5959474 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:40

Holy shit... Literally

kittyfrozen | 19

#5959514 - Thursday 29 May 2014 9:51

seems like every time 'that word' is mentioned, that comment gets downvoted

yahoowizard | 16

#5959521 - Thursday 29 May 2014 10:04

No it's downvoted because it makes no sense. Maybe if a priest took a dump on OP the comment makes sense, literally, but in this case, no.

xx000o | 27

#5959549 - Thursday 29 May 2014 12:08

shit happens.

katieemerr | 15

#5959654 - Thursday 29 May 2014 15:34

It is a bit shit to be honest though..

Testing1234 | 25

#5960351 - Friday 30 May 2014 5:14

did op at least finish taking a shit?

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5960769 - Friday 30 May 2014 19:24

Piece of Shit landlord...

By icnburbbygrl | 23

#5959475 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:41

Did you answer the door with your pants around your ankles?

z3r0d4z3 | 22

#5959485 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:49

With phone in hand, and toilet paper stuck on shoes. Complete the look!

Metagame | 12

#5960294 - Friday 30 May 2014 3:16

Not just the shoes.

By LegendaryMant | 4

#5959478 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:43

What a shitty day.

VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#5959715 - Thursday 29 May 2014 16:09

Nobody laughs at these any more.

9echo | 17

#5959728 - Thursday 29 May 2014 16:18

HOLY SHIT! Can we stop shitting on FMLs with all these shitty "shit" comments? It's just starting to make my daily FML reading-time really shitty...

By ami_me | 10

#5959480 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:44

.....shit!

By abhi95 | 31

#5959481 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:44

Well I guess you don't have to pay the rent for a few months

pimrol | 16

#5959491 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:56

or he gets sued for parking his car in the wrong place by his landlord. and then he loses all his money

Psychicgirl17 | 18

#5959561 - Thursday 29 May 2014 12:19

why would u assume OP parked in the wrong spot? maybe the landlord is a shitty driver. ever think of that?

niallo | 23

#5959737 - Thursday 29 May 2014 16:27

The landlord hit a parked car. Unless it was parked in the middle of the road, it's the landlords fault. Even then, the landlord is moving, the parked car is not. I can't see how any fault can be placed on the OP.

jkmartinjk | 16

#5959783 - Thursday 29 May 2014 17:18

I think 11 was making a situation that could possibly be spouted by the landlord so that he doesn't have to pay.

By sweetest_jenn | 18

#5959483 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:47

That wasn't the only thing he backed.

By Imaginefree66 | 4

#5959486 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:49

What happened in the two hours?

By Amanyyyyyy | 29

#5959487 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:52

Free rent for a few months?

Edit- Someone beat me to it

abhi95 | 31

#5966619 - Friday 6 June 2014 7:53

Don't you dare refer to me so casually woman

By 91hayek | 31

#5959493 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:58

Home is where you take the large grip-your-ankles, take-your-shirt-off, sweat-profusely professional dumps. Anywhere else are just amateur shits. I would hate your landlord forever for this simple slight.

By ihavenolifehaha | 16

#5959496 - Thursday 29 May 2014 9:07

What a shitty situation

peacheso | 31

#5959542 - Thursday 29 May 2014 11:14

No. It was actually a sh*tless situation. Stop overusing these puns.