Miscellaneous: Today, after waiting 2 hours for my landlord to leave so I could...

By chubbs - United States - Vacaville

Today, after waiting 2 hours for my landlord to leave so I could take a shit in peace, I sat down on the toilet. The doorbell immediately rang. It was my landlord, who wanted to let me know that he had just backed into my car. FML

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Miscellaneous

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Glass half empty

Hack it off

By single - United States

Today, I met up on a blind date. He took a phone call one drink in and said he had to leave because he didn't know it was his buddy's birthday, and they were having a party without him. I offered to split the bill and put out a $20. He got up, unlocked the bicycle behind us and rode off. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2020 17:02

Mixed signals

Today, my girlfriend always assures me she doesn’t care if I’m a little overweight, yet in the past few weeks she’s bought me running shorts, new trainers, a set of professional barbells and weights, a "how to lose weight in your living room" book and installed a treadmill in the garage. FML

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1111

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By apple - Netherlands

Today, it's my 18th birthday. I was telling my friends a story when my mom started talking. I simply said 'Mom...' so she'd realize she interrupted me. She gave me the finger and called me rude in front of all my friends. FML

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By thanks, Nemo. - United States - Hayward

Today, I let my 3-year-old daughter watch Finding Nemo on my phone while I made her lunch. I returned to find she had dropped my phone into the fish bowl so that her goldfish could see his friends. FML

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By Unknown - United States

Today, I decided to wear a tight, long-sleeved shirt that showed off my body. As I was trying to roll up my sleeves, I realized how tight this shirt really was. It wouldn't budge past my elbow and I tugged to hard I ended up punching myself in the eye. I now have a swollen, black and blue eye. FML

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By rescuetheduck - Finland - Joensuu

Today, I was at the grocery store, waiting in line to pay. A man jumped me from behind, and my first reflex was to brutally elbow him in the face. I soon discovered my attacker was one of the patients at the disability house at which I work, and he was trying to hug me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2021 13:59

The '80s called

Today, I received 3 phone calls and 3 long and rather monotonous messages on my answering machine. Literally monotonous. As in, repeating the same tone over and over. The caller was a fax machine. FML

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By junkie - Belgium - Antwerp

Today, I hid my weed stash in a bag from an expensive jewellery store. My sister walked into my room, went "Ooh, what's this?" and grabbed the bag. I grabbed it back and ad-libbed that it was her Christmas gift. Now I actually have to buy her expensive jewellery. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mineola

Today, my boyfriend is so ashamed of me that when someone asked how far along my pregnancy is, he quickly replied "5 months now!" instead of telling them I'm not actually pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous

Free Playboy for the guy that can't even use it. Oh, cruel fate.

Today, I received a Playboy magazine that I never ordered, and now my husband won't stop laughing at me or calling me a closet heterosexual. FML

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By ashleighsheba - United States - La Vergne

Today, I got pulled over, not because I was speeding but because apparently, I looked like a kid driving. The officer said I was too short to drive and needed a booster seat. FML

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By - France

Today, my girlfriend confessed to me that she wants to dress me up with her clothes, with wig and makeup. FML

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By JulesBlues

Today, I sat in my doctor's office and broke down, crying and shaking, with a blood pressure of 190, getting off my chest everything that has gone wrong in my life lately. To which the doctor, well into her sixties, replied, "My goodness, I've never met anyone with so many problems!" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got suspended from work after getting caught reading a work-related FML. Irony is funny, but it doesn't pay the bills. FML

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By birthdayfun - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My mom decided to wake me up by having our new, previously stray, cat thrown on top of me. I was awoken to two claws ripping across my face which needed 16 stitches to fix. Happy Birthday. FML

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By small dick energy

Today, I found out just how much of a psychotically insecure nitwit my boyfriend is. He flew into a screaming rage that I was only adding cucumbers to my water and my meals lately to insinuate that he has a small penis. Yeah, I’m confused too. FML

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2392

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By Too Many Credits

Today, after having too many projects for end of term, I asked to borrow my sister's paper that she used for the same class last year. After submitting it online, I found the example paper that the teacher handed out. My teacher used my sister's paper from last year as an example for us. FML

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By dump truck hater - United States - Austin

Today, when leaving my apartment, I instantly noticed there was a giant dump truck in our lot, which turned out to be directly behind my car. After making a 20-point escape from my parking space and getting to work late, my roommate texts me "DUDE guess what I got last night". A giant dump truck. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2021 02:00

The truth will out

Today, I accidentally overheard my thesis supervisor mutter, "fucking idiot" coming out of a Zoom meeting with him. It was only me and him in the Zoom meeting, and he said it 4 seconds after saying goodbye. I just quit Zoom without saying anything. FML

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1020

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By mandybar15 - United States - Norman

Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML

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By Coldflame - United States

Today, I was designated driver for my friends. This entailed: standing around in the cold for 3 hours, not drinking, dealing with drunk people, and oh yeah, I almost forgot, cleaning up vomit from my hair, my clothes, and my brand new car. FML

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By Brinty - Australia

Today, my new anti-social cat started rubbing on my leg. I thought she must be warming up to me. Then, I looked at my leg and saw she smeared poo all over my work pants. FML

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28124

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By notdrivinganytimesoon - United States - Richardson

Today, I got pulled over during my driving test. FML

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By treehugger - Singapore - Singapore

Today, since I was grounded, I tried to sneak out of my room to attend a party by climbing out the second-storey window and down the tree. I was unharmed, but I probably should have checked to see if my dad was in the garden before climbing down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Amarillo

Today, my dog overturned and ate my trash, leaving coffee grounds and dog puke all over my floor. She also ate the broom. FML

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By not as scarred as he should be - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I walked in on my mother using a razor to shave my dad's cream-covered testicles. FML

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By danii - Reserved

Today, I drove to the liquor store completely naked except for my dressing gown, with a carload of idiot stoners who ran in and stole vodka, tequila and whiskey. We drank in a bush. Last week I was a good citizen, and now I'm white trash. I'm not quite sure what happened in between. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I found an old dress in my house laying around. I decided to dye it green to wear it out on St. Patrick's day. Turns out it was my grandmother's wedding dress that my sister was planning to wear for her wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico

Today, since I'm too ashamed to go buy a proper sex toy, I used an old Star Wars toy sword instead. FML

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By Ophelia - United States - Hudson

Today, a realtor came to take a look at my house. I had worked all morning to make it look lovely. When they took pictures, I explained a number of ways I could change things so everything would look as good as possible. After the house tour, they told me it should be bulldozed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chippewa Falls

Today, I was assigned to a group of four to brainstorm ideas for a project. One by one they listed their ideas, but when it was my turn they skipped me. They suddenly started a casual conversation with each other, oblivious of my existence, while I sat quietly between them for an hour. FML

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By ThatTrafficCone - United States

Today, the Fire Department found my car overturned in a ditch and on fire. It was two miles away from where I parked it about three hours ago. FML

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41528

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By saracenslament

Today, my relationship with my family is so bad that when someone burst into my house without ringing the doorbell, my first assumption was, "Oh God I hope it's not my mum visiting!" rather than, "Oh God, it's a burglar!" It was actually my mother-in-law, and I was truly relieved. FML

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By Anonymous

No exit! No choice!

Today, I drove my car and suddenly I got diarrhea & shit my pants. I put a plastic bag under me to not let all the shit go through my pants and get to my seat. Then, one of my work mates saw my car and came to say hello, she saw all the shit and the plastic bag. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girfriend of two years told me she wasn't actually a lesbian and our relationship was more of a 'learning experience'. FML

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59759

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By NextAmericanIdol? - United States - Bowie

Today, I had to put my little sister to bed. Usually my mom sings her a lullaby before she puts her to sleep, so I did too. After I finished the song, my sister looked me dead in the eyes and said, "This is why I tell people we aren't related." FML

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By Teaching - United States

Today, I was reading my students' Halloween stories I made them write for my creative writing class in high school. One of my students wrote about attacking me. She got my street address perfect and everything. FML

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By Kikinovak - France

Today, a driver stole the parking space I was about to pull into. I politely asked him to move. He had a go at me, so I kick his car twice, in front of a few witnesses. The car is fine. I ripped two ligaments in my foot and I'll have a cast for a month. FML

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By WTF

Today, I was awoken by my neighbor pounding on my back door at 3 am, only to look outside and see my car engulfed in flames. FML

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43006

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By 0867142 - Canada

Today, I found out that I spent a year helping my dad get back into shape, not for his own good health which was what I thought, but so that he could cheat on my mom with 5 other women. FML

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Top comments

By icnburbbygrl | 23

#5959475 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:41

Did you answer the door with your pants around your ankles?

By abhi95 | 31

#5959481 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:44

Well I guess you don't have to pay the rent for a few months

COMMENTS

By toxicsauce | 10

#5959474 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:40

Holy shit... Literally

kittyfrozen | 19

#5959514 - Thursday 29 May 2014 9:51

seems like every time 'that word' is mentioned, that comment gets downvoted

yahoowizard | 16

#5959521 - Thursday 29 May 2014 10:04

No it's downvoted because it makes no sense. Maybe if a priest took a dump on OP the comment makes sense, literally, but in this case, no.

xx000o | 27

#5959549 - Thursday 29 May 2014 12:08

shit happens.

katieemerr | 15

#5959654 - Thursday 29 May 2014 15:34

It is a bit shit to be honest though..

Testing1234 | 25

#5960351 - Friday 30 May 2014 5:14

did op at least finish taking a shit?

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5960769 - Friday 30 May 2014 19:24

Piece of Shit landlord...

By icnburbbygrl | 23

#5959475 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:41

Did you answer the door with your pants around your ankles?

z3r0d4z3 | 22

#5959485 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:49

With phone in hand, and toilet paper stuck on shoes. Complete the look!

Metagame | 12

#5960294 - Friday 30 May 2014 3:16

Not just the shoes.

By LegendaryMant | 4

#5959478 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:43

What a shitty day.

VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#5959715 - Thursday 29 May 2014 16:09

Nobody laughs at these any more.

9echo | 17

#5959728 - Thursday 29 May 2014 16:18

HOLY SHIT! Can we stop shitting on FMLs with all these shitty "shit" comments? It's just starting to make my daily FML reading-time really shitty...

By ami_me | 10

#5959480 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:44

.....shit!

By abhi95 | 31

#5959481 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:44

Well I guess you don't have to pay the rent for a few months

pimrol | 16

#5959491 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:56

or he gets sued for parking his car in the wrong place by his landlord. and then he loses all his money

Psychicgirl17 | 18

#5959561 - Thursday 29 May 2014 12:19

why would u assume OP parked in the wrong spot? maybe the landlord is a shitty driver. ever think of that?

niallo | 23

#5959737 - Thursday 29 May 2014 16:27

The landlord hit a parked car. Unless it was parked in the middle of the road, it's the landlords fault. Even then, the landlord is moving, the parked car is not. I can't see how any fault can be placed on the OP.

jkmartinjk | 16

#5959783 - Thursday 29 May 2014 17:18

I think 11 was making a situation that could possibly be spouted by the landlord so that he doesn't have to pay.

By sweetest_jenn | 18

#5959483 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:47

That wasn't the only thing he backed.

By Imaginefree66 | 4

#5959486 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:49

What happened in the two hours?

By Amanyyyyyy | 29

#5959487 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:52

Free rent for a few months?

Edit- Someone beat me to it

abhi95 | 31

#5966619 - Friday 6 June 2014 7:53

Don't you dare refer to me so casually woman

By 91hayek | 31

#5959493 - Thursday 29 May 2014 8:58

Home is where you take the large grip-your-ankles, take-your-shirt-off, sweat-profusely professional dumps. Anywhere else are just amateur shits. I would hate your landlord forever for this simple slight.

By ihavenolifehaha | 16

#5959496 - Thursday 29 May 2014 9:07

What a shitty situation

peacheso | 31

#5959542 - Thursday 29 May 2014 11:14

No. It was actually a sh*tless situation. Stop overusing these puns.