Today, after taking my jacket off at work, I found a large faint... - FML

By grimatwork - 1/11/2010 17:24 - United Kingdom

Today, after taking my jacket off at work, I found a large faint stain all across one side of my shirt. Turns out that my fiancé had used it to "clean up the bed." I am the manager of a supermarket with 40 employees. It was pretty obvious what it was. FML

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Season finale

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Rich people problems

By Anonymous - 7/9/2012 00:49 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was refused employment at a liquor store. Their reason? I'm a regular customer and they're afraid I'll drink all their profits. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2012 21:34 - United States

Today, I shot a paintball gun at a bees' nest. The bees flew through my neighbors' windows and, for lack of a better word, slaughtered them. An ambulance was called, and I feel like a total dick. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2015 19:16 - United States

Today, I saw my friend at the mall. He didn't see me, so I called him to say "Turn around." He took one look at his phone, snorted loudly enough for me to hear from way off, and put it back in his pocket. FML

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By sexlube - 1/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Kirkland

Hand sanitizer

Today, my kid told my wife he's been using the hand sanitizer under our bathroom sink. It's not hand sanitizer, it's a giant bottle of lube.

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2012 20:19 - United States - Renton

Today, my father, who is going through a serious mid-life crisis, walked into my room, told me to "sit the fuck down," and spent the next two hours ranting about how the Lord of the Rings books prophesy the end of the world this December, and that Sauron is an analogy for "corrupt bankers." FML

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By stampslife - 28/11/2014 08:00 - Canada - Agassiz

Today, I finished watching an entire movie after boarding the plane, before the plane even took off. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2010 18:40 - United States

Today, while at work, I started to feel sick to my stomach, hot, and dizzy. My co-worker told me to go home. On the way through the locker room to get my stuff, I experienced a dizzy spell so severe, I blacked out and pooped myself. No one in the building is going to let me forget this. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2011 22:24 - Germany

Today, after five long years of having been together, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to take our relationship to the "next level". We now have a Sims relationship. FML

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By moneycatious - 19/3/2012 23:50 - United States - Seattle

Today, I gave my husband an expensive watch. The first words out of his mouth were, "You didn't use our joint bank account for this, right?" He then asked if I still had the receipt. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I was approached by a policeman who asked me if I was the owner of the green Camry. Turns out my parents decided to teach me a lesson for lying where I had been by reporting the car stolen. They also wouldn't answer my one phone call. FML

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By amazinghermit - 25/11/2014 04:21 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I spent an hour in my car terrified to go inside because I thought my house was being burgled. I saw rapid shadows in the light of my lounge. Eventually I plucked up the courage to creep inside with a rock to find it wasn't a robber. It was my cats, fighting in front of a toppled lamp. FML

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By CutestBoysEver - 30/10/2012 01:30 - United States - Fruita

Today, I went to the hospital in labor expecting a baby boy. I ended the day with identical twins, a baffled doctor, and a husband convinced that our sons can clone themselves. FML

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By Noname - 4/2/2009 23:04 - United States

Today, I discovered my mom has over 20 sites bookmarked on her laptop, all having to do with 'How To Boost Your Insecure Teen's Confidence' or 'How To Help Your Overweight Teen Have A Positive Self Image'. Thanks, mommy. FML

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By Unlucky taxi driver - 8/11/2018 14:00

Today, a passenger in my taxi left without paying. They left their phone, so I posted a message about it from their social media, exposing them. Turns out they'd stolen the phone from someone else. I ended up getting arrested. FML

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By Garrett - 10/3/2017 15:00 - United States - Vista

Today, after I arrived at work, somebody crashed into my parked car and left a big dent. The impact pushed my car up onto the curb and I got a parking ticket. FML

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By MJjunior - 31/8/2011 16:04 - Australia

Today, I started my first day working at a toddler day care center. At one point I decided to play "got your nose" with one of the kids. It turns out this kid has a physical birth abnormality on his face. I got his nose... his prosthetic nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2012 17:15 - United States - Noblesville

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head on the living room couch. Apparently his two cats didn't approve, and they started attacking my face. Luckily for him, since my boyfriend was holding my head down, his privates didn't get a scratch. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2011 16:23 - United States

Today, while watching a man in front of me on the bus remove his cap to scratch his noggin, I noticed the swarm of dandruff that was about to nail me in my face. FML

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By AE86Turbo - 3/5/2011 05:22 - United States

Today, I saw a car swerving in front of me on the freeway, so I whipped out my cell to report the DUI. As soon as it started ringing, I see police lights in my rear view and got slapped with a ticket for using a cell phone while driving. After explaining why, the officer said, "Nice try." FML

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By Peach - 2/3/2012 05:46 - United States

Today, I found one of my roommate's giant yellow toenail clippings on the counter next to the kitchen sink. When I confronted him about it, he told me the cat must have carried it out of his bedroom and put it there. FML

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By Uggghhh - 9/5/2017 02:00

Today, I'm sitting at the vet's office while they run expensive tests on my cat. This is to make sure he doesn't have a bowel obstruction from eating the condom that my partner and I used last night. FML

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By lifesux - 5/2/2011 21:28 - South Africa

Today, my mom and I were escorted out of the KFC because my mom tried to mug and pick a fight with another customer. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2015 14:54 - Portugal - Alhandra

Today, my boyfriend thinks he's discovered a big conspiracy by dentists to sell toothpaste. He's arguing that nobody needs to brush their teeth, ever, because all the "new plaque" from food will dissolve the "old plaque", and the only thing he needs to use is breath spray. FML

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By Soakedandbroke - 26/1/2016 17:05 - United States - Houston

Today, I was walking to class. While waiting at the crosswalk, a guy cat-called me from his car. I guess he was pissed that I didn't respond, because he purposely drove through a puddle and completely soaked me and the expensive textbook I was holding. FML

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By thatsnotmyname - 3/7/2014 03:12 - United States - Calhoun City

Today, my boyfriend of a couple of weeks mixed up my name with his ex wife's name. After he said it, he looked at me and said, "You knew it was going to happen." FML

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By fmylifegirl - 29/12/2010 20:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriends and I got a caricature painting while on a trip in the city. Unfortunately for me, the part of my appearance that the artist decided to exaggerate was my acne. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2011 08:17 - South Africa

Today, my girlfriend gave me a speech on me "not being manly enough". I started crying. FML

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By Luke - 23/6/2015 22:37 - United States - San Antonio

Today, after all of the business cards for the car dealership that I work for were printed, the phone number was wrong, and the lady got so pissed about getting so many calls that she told them that they had won a free car. I had to tell dozens of ecstatic customers that they hadn't. FML

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By someone something - 9/10/2018 14:00

Today, I was finally able to come home after 4 months in a hospital recovering from brain surgery and physical therapy. While taking a walk around the neighborhood, my new neighbor's Rottweiler ran after me. I tripped while running, got bit, and went back to the hospital for stitches. FML

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By fatpooch - 13/5/2010 06:01 - Canada

Today, my mom decided our whole family is going on a diet. Why? Because the vet told us our dog is overweight, and she "didn't want Twix to suffer alone." FML

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By bongoboy - 25/4/2009 07:51 - United States

Today, I had to go visit my grandma. While in her bathroom, the floss I was using cut my gum, I then proceded to make sounds of slight pain. My grandma was, at the same moment, walking by and said "Don't masturbate in side of my bathroom you sick teen!" Now my grandma thinks I am a pervert. FML

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By sadness - 29/11/2010 18:58 - South Africa

Today, I went to see a psychiatrist for my depression and low self esteem. While in the waiting room, I overheard a guy telling his friend how ugly I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2020 18:00

Our house, was a very very very nice house

Today, my house caught on fire. After it was put out, I realized the damage wasn't bad, mainly smoke damage. I went to my parents' for the night because my house smelled. While there, I received a phone call from my neighbor. Apparently, my house caught fire again. It's now a pile of ashes. FML

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By Sneezy123 - 6/10/2009 02:21 - United States

Today, I retook my ACT. I have been fighting a cold all week and have been very sneezy lately. Midway through the test, I got the urge to sneeze. Since it was very quiet and I didn't want to disturb the peace, I tried to hold my sneeze in. I ended up letting out a huge fart instead. FML

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By frenchienyx - 13/5/2019 00:00

Today, I was in Brooklyn for a meeting. I parked my car but my iPhone didn’t save my location. Where is my car? Called NYPD. No car towed. I had to walk 3 hours in the rain to find it thanks to the “Panic” button. So glad I found my car, but the “Loud Panic” button didn’t want to stop for an hour. FML

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By SleepyMommy - 8/5/2016 17:05 - United States - Pomona

Today, my husband was going to let me sleep in for Mother's Day. That would have been great, if my brother didn't call me at 5:30 in the morning to say Happy Mother's Day. Now I'm up like any other day. FML

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By big mouth - 26/9/2012 11:40 - New Zealand - Northland

Today, at work, I saw a van in our car park with "Hurlz Wagon" painted on its side. Laughing, I told the customer who owned it that I loved the name, and I asked was there a funny vomit story behind it. She didn't laugh, and told me it was her family name. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2009 18:37 - United States

Today, I bought my mom a gift certificate for a spa treatment for two so we could spend some quality time together. She took my sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2012 10:45 - Russian Federation

Today, I got home from my 6-week vacation. Apparently, my mum cleaned my room for me while I was gone because my vibrator was neatly tucked into my blanket, next to my pillow instead of being hidden under my bed. FML

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By hinting - 17/6/2013 16:43 - United States - Dearborn

Today, my grandma's new dildo arrived in the mail. We buried her yesterday. FML

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Top comments

By cockymofo | 10

#1636780 - Monday 1 November 2010 22:59

lol. he said "jacked off"

By Fortuitous | 0

#1636835 - Monday 1 November 2010 23:15

You didn't see that one coming.

COMMENTS

By lmfao1643 | 3

#1636702 - Monday 1 November 2010 22:50

what a shame

Reply

Xtaci | 0

#1639057 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 8:46

how is that hot

Reply

Firestar1202 | 0

#1639694 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 13:12

youre hot

By emmi23 | 0

#1636720 - Monday 1 November 2010 22:54

you should give him a little present back with his shirt tomorrow

Reply

emmi23 | 0

#1636824 - Monday 1 November 2010 23:08

or her

By kiraaamaeee | 0

#1636729 - Monday 1 November 2010 22:55

atleast your employees know your getting some ;)

Reply

justsayfuck | 5

#1636797 - Monday 1 November 2010 23:01

If the OP is hetero, a stain on his shirt might not be the message of 'getting some' he want to get across his employees.

Edit: I just checked, 'fiance' is apparently only used for males. So this comment does not apply to him.

Reply

klutzycleo | 5

#1639021 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 8:23

@ #7, true, the form fiancé is male, and fiancée female, many people just use fiancé for the male or female they are engaged to, regardless. Or maybe that's just me (:

Reply

pizzasammy | 0

#1639109 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:03

only a guy would be as dumb to use his partners work shirt to clean up after sex.
I'm a guy, and I've done it. haha

Reply

InDenial | 6

#1639348 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 11:28

OPs partner is a girl.

Reply

kay71095 | 9

#5417965 - Sunday 24 March 2013 4:14

47- how do you know this? Just because OP is a guy, doesn't mean his fiancé has to be a girl

By cockymofo | 10

#1636780 - Monday 1 November 2010 22:59

lol. he said "jacked off"

By machiko_fml | 0

#1636786 - Monday 1 November 2010 22:59

That's why you always check if the shirt is dirty or clean. (:

Reply

IanCosentino | 0

#3398398 - Friday 7 October 2011 1:06

I read your bio. It was amazing. 100 suns? :D

By Fortuitous | 0

#1636835 - Monday 1 November 2010 23:15

You didn't see that one coming.

Reply

PushMyButtons | 5

#1636886 - Monday 1 November 2010 23:33

hahaha nice one!

Reply

govikes28 | 5

#1638138 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 2:56

win

Reply

Zoeeee1234 | 0

#1640203 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 16:42

ahahahha! thatss just greatt,good one!

By LaUruguaya | 11

#1636840 - Monday 1 November 2010 23:15

er, what was the stain? i'm assuming poo or pee, which is just disgusting if that was in your bed!

Reply

cdc12345678910 | 0

#1636904 - Monday 1 November 2010 23:37

it was cum

Reply

SHANNON_fml | 0

#1636927 - Monday 1 November 2010 23:50

it was cum you knob. How old are you? like twelve!

Reply

redoxy_fml | 0

#1636943 - Monday 1 November 2010 23:56

or maybe she's mature?

Reply

pizzasammy | 0

#1639123 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:06

what are you sweetcheeks, ignorant? a knob is equivalent to what you would probably call a 'dumbass'

Reply

Lucidium | 0

#1639378 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 11:45

Who do you think you are, pizza? Stop owning people.

Reply

LAXgurlie28 | 0

#1639835 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 14:36

A knob is a dick actual. that's what they call it in British Lang.

Reply

theFMLiest1ofThe | 0

#1640393 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 17:16

I love when people try to correct others and instead only highlight their own ignorance.

Reply

Miguel_32E | 0

#1648124 - Thursday 4 November 2010 5:19

im 13 and i know what she was talking bout

By LaUruguaya | 11

#1636848 - Monday 1 November 2010 23:18

also, fiancé can refer to a man or a woman 

Reply

sandi315 | 0

#1638173 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 3:07

true i can see how u got the confusion there

Reply

raesolis86 | 0

#1638783 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 6:36

fiancé is male. fiancée is female. just an FYI

Reply

ilovepandaz | 2

#1990334 - Friday 21 January 2011 0:33

no one cares

By hidingoutt7 | 0

#1636850 - Monday 1 November 2010 23:18

how did you not notice that before you put it on ? and what's on his shirt?

Reply

boricuabebe | 0

#1637143 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 1:26

skeet

By perdix | 29

#1636935 - Monday 1 November 2010 23:54

Clean up on Aisle 9!

Housekeeping, please take care of the cum stain on Aisle 9.

Reply

theFMLiest1ofThe | 0

#1640398 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 17:18

nice. if I worked there, and didn't give a shit about my job, I'd have made that announcement over the loudspeaker.