Work: Today, after submitting my college application, I noticed that... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 99

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 138

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 213

You deserved it 1 752

18/10/2015 19:18

Today, after submitting my college application, I noticed that I mistyped "math enthusiast" as "meth enthusiast". FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 975

You deserved it 7 918

Our house, in the middle of our street

Empathy lives

Sorry…

27/11/2009 23:23

Today, my date kissed me after our second date. The way he leaned towards my mouth was very romantic. He's pretty tall, so I stretched myself as high as possible to make the kiss as passionate as possible. That's how I ended up belching into his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 823

You deserved it 10 101

Big Muff Fuzz

By Fartagirl - 15/10/2021 05:00

Today, I was using the restroom at school. What I thought was going to be just peeing turned into a humongous fart that echoed in the toilet bowl. Already embarrassed, I opened the door to leave. Two girls, who obviously heard, were giggling and saying, “It’s always the fat bitches.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 932

You deserved it 119

Bad, bad, bad

By Anonymous - 01/03/2014 10:30

Spicy

Today, I had sex with a guy I've liked for years. There was just one problem: it was so terrible I said, "I think I might be straight" about five minutes in just so it would stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 311

You deserved it 15 611

Chill out, Bugs

By trex_life - 14/03/2021 20:00

Today, I bought my sister a bunny and all it does is try to bang my cat, and shit and piss in my room to mark its territory. FML

I agree, your life sucks 574

You deserved it 481

12/02/2009 07:07

Today, I was at the airport trying to help a man get to the right terminal. When he finished he turned to tell me "Don't worry, your English is pretty good, considering you're not American". English is my only language. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 148

You deserved it 5 191

31/05/2010 00:19

Spicy

Today, I was dirty texting my boyfriend since we couldn't see each other this weekend. We were getting really into it when he said, "If only you were this good in real life." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 227

You deserved it 11 155

23/08/2009 07:09

Today, it was the last day of camp. I told my friends we should exchange e-mail addresses so we could stay in touch. Apparently, they all had already exchanged their contact info. Nobody asked me for one piece of my contact info even once during the entire six weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 624

You deserved it 4 675

07/04/2016 09:48

Today, a kind cyclist rode up next to me to inform me that my bag of groceries was about to fall off. Exceedingly careful, I slowly brought my bike to a halt. Only at the very second I stood still did I hear the dreaded "twang" as my carrier broke, and my stuff smashed to the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 839

You deserved it 1 806

29/11/2017 01:30

Today, I explained to my teacher that I wasn't at school yesterday due to three doctor appointments for my moderate epilepsy. Yesterday was senior skip day. She gave me detention for lying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 178

You deserved it 408

15/01/2012 10:53

Today, I realized why buying clear pins for the wall is a bad idea. If one falls out, you won't be able to see it with your eyes, but your foot will find it just fine. I also learnt foot wounds can produce a pretty significant geyser of blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 139

You deserved it 6 700

12/08/2012 09:23

Today, I was watching a movie alone with my girlfriend. She shifted positions as I put my arm around her, and ended up kneeing me in the crotch and shouldering me in the throat simultaneously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 089

You deserved it 2 347

05/03/2012 09:42

Today, I defended the dried up things in the cup noodles as being real vegetables, just so that it would appear that I do actually eat vegetables. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 370

You deserved it 23 926

19/03/2016 07:29

Spicy

Today, I was up late and heard my mother and her boyfriend come home. After a full minute of bed-creaking action, I heard him exclaim, "I did it! A new record, haha!" I can't get it out of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 729

You deserved it 1 868

09/04/2016 15:26

Today, the nerves for my finals got so bad that I started stress-cleaning in my dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 350

You deserved it 1 523

17/06/2014 20:44

Today, while at the waterpark, some guy came up to me and profusely thanked me for wearing a one-piece swimsuit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 072

You deserved it 8 074

13/11/2011 17:10

Today, I brought my girlfriend of six months over to meet my family. When my grandpa saw her, he said, "What a waste of good breeding stock." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 387

You deserved it 2 529

09/05/2013 07:35

Today, I was laid off from my job as a manager. After cleaning out my office, I began clearing my computer. I received an email from HR announcing a job position that opened up. Too bad it was for my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 204

You deserved it 3 771

Slow down

By Anonymous - 04/11/2020 17:01

Spicy

Today, after months of ultrasounds and blood tests, I found out that the pain I've been feeling in my ovaries is actually just sore muscles from flicking my bean every night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 570

You deserved it 960

26/06/2009 07:57

Today, at the airport, my mom began talking about how useless the war in Iraq was, and how dumb the soldiers that serve there were for enlisting during the war. The soldier at the vending machine near us caught my eye. I mouthed, "Sorry" and he mouthed, slowly, "You fuckin' better be." FML

I agree, your life sucks 94 316

You deserved it 21 407

04/10/2013 08:20

Today, while in bed, my boyfriend pointed to my stomach and said, "Bad fat", then pointed to my boobs and said, "Good fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 519

You deserved it 7 757

23/12/2008 08:57

Today, I tested a new drug designed to fight headaches. It had quite an effect on me, more specifically side effects: nausea, dizzyness and diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 282

You deserved it 4 710

Time to bail

By Anonymous - 13/03/2021 02:01

Today, I spent several hours consoling my crying girlfriend. Why was she crying? She had been told to stop 'leading on' a guy at work who has a crush on her. Worse yet, she has a crush on him, thus the crying. Worse still, this isn't the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 945

You deserved it 567

04/04/2014 19:02

Today, I went to the store to buy a phone I saw last week. I looked around a little first, then continued to the electronics section. I couldn't find the phone I saw, so I went to leave. Halfway to the exit, I was detained by security and grilled for ages over my "suspicious behaviour". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 109

You deserved it 3 668

25/07/2015 00:59

Today, I had to call a coworker to the office via the store intercom. The damn thing didn't turn off properly and everyone heard me say "I hate that asshole. Just be where your dumb ass should be." I realized my mistake a few seconds before my manager stormed in and threatened to fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 154

You deserved it 26 803

30/08/2009 23:35

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were starting to get in the mood. I get on top of him, lean down to kiss him, and he begins to laugh. Puzzled, I ask him why. He tells me that when I'm naked and on top of him, I remind him of a cow, with 'udders' . Offended, I go to get off. 'No no' he protests, 'a SEXY cow'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 555

You deserved it 5 392

14/04/2015 08:33

Spicy

Today, I went to feed my neighbors' chickens while they were on vacation. I noticed the TV on inside, so I peeked in to see if the place was being messed with. Guess who found the neighbor home early, fully naked, and jerking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 653

You deserved it 4 052

15/05/2012 01:09

Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him, saying that the only thing he would change about me is my last name. I later told him that I wanted to keep my last name after the marriage. I'm now single again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 947

You deserved it 42 410

21/05/2017 12:00

Today, I checked for the third time this week if my package that 'arrived' five days ago had been found. Not only was it a different employee at the concierge desk, meaning I had to explain everything again, but they told me the same bullshit about how it's "not their fault". The package is my new phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 688

You deserved it 300

22/10/2012 07:31

Today, on the first cold night of autumn, I realized I need a girlfriend because the only way I can stay warm is if I spoon with my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 577

You deserved it 5 088

Everyday racism

By Anonymous - 12/09/2014 20:47

Today, my college did a fire drill, and instructions were given by intercom in English and Spanish. The guy beside me mused, "If they say it in English and Mexican, why not say it in Black too?" That guy is my idiot brother, and he was dead serious. Sometimes I think our parents are related. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 396

You deserved it 3 368

16/11/2012 07:32

Today, I discovered that no matter how hot and exhausted you are, being blasted in the face with a high pressure hose is always more painful than refreshing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 212

You deserved it 10 536

07/06/2009 23:15

Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 143 214

You deserved it 8 147

23/12/2013 17:35

Today, my manager rejected my leave application for Christmas. Later I found out that I'm going to be the only employee working at the office during Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 865

You deserved it 3 222

07/10/2010 23:37

Today, my sister and I got into an argument at a tennis court which ended up with her trying to run me over in the parking lot. I stepped to the side and hit her door, denting it. My parents expect me to pay for the damage caused by my sister trying to kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 721

You deserved it 3 530

17/11/2014 15:47

Today, my 12-year-old daughter informed me that she is eager to lose her virginity, "Because I don't want to be thrown into a volcano!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 749

You deserved it 4 080

31/07/2009 22:46

Today, I texted the man I'm dating, told him I was having a terrible day and asked him to say something to cheer me up. His response? "Did you know that rabbits shriek when they're killed?" I'm still having a terrible day, and now I can't stop thinking about dying, shrieking bunnies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 874

You deserved it 9 150

Out of the frying pan…

By Anonymous - 25/07/2021 00:01

Today, after months of dealing with homophobic abuse for my coworkers and supervisors at my previous job, I was excited to start my new job where most of my co-workers were LGBTQ. I find out a majority of them don't like me because my fiancé is a deputy sheriff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 701

You deserved it 236

Thinning

By Anonymous - 12/06/2021 05:01

Today, I've lost so much weight from depression that I don't fit into women's clothing anymore. There's nothing like trying to find dress pants in the kids section. FML

I agree, your life sucks 753

You deserved it 95

Pica?

By Anonymous - 21/06/2021 17:59

Today, my mom ate some flowers without knowing if they were safe. Turns out they are slightly poisonous and she had an upset stomach, but she will be fine. Her excuse? "I didn't know it had poison." I had to explain that's exactly why you don't eat plants you don't know are poisonous or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 67

25/05/2018 16:00

Today, I broke a tooth. It’s Friday. Not a single dentist office is open. The good news? I might lose those last few pounds as I can’t drink or eat without excruciating pain. Needless to say, it’s going to be a long weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 601

You deserved it 235

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Top comments

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Monday 19 October 2015 11:47

are you the one who "accidentally" typed incest also.

StickyPickles 33

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Monday 19 October 2015 11:11

Proof read my friend

Comments

Miss_Chevious 37

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Monday 19 October 2015 11:06

Certainly not an English enthusiast

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Monday 19 October 2015 11:31

it was a typo... But he should have proof read the essay...

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Monday 19 October 2015 13:27

I was hoping this would be the first comment. Hats off to you, sir.

Mpii 11

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Monday 19 October 2015 14:16

Proof reading the essay is what an english enthusiast would have done.

Girlshotdown1 21

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Tuesday 20 October 2015 10:07

I agree #9 Revise and Edit

chaseafterwind82 29

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Monday 19 October 2015 11:07

Hmmm, probably not the type of 'extra-curricular extra' they wanted to see...

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Monday 19 October 2015 17:53

meth; go big or go home

StickyPickles 33

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Monday 19 October 2015 11:11

Proof read my friend

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Monday 19 October 2015 13:25

Before submitting preferably

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Monday 19 October 2015 17:59

Proof... As in math... I like puns

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Tuesday 20 October 2015 6:18

it would be better to get someone else to proof read. otherwise you might read it the way you want instead of the way it says.

Cads1 24

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Monday 19 October 2015 11:12

School of hard knocks for you it is.

False_Stupidity 41

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Monday 19 October 2015 11:16

The best meth-od is to proof read and then get someone else to proof read too before sending anything important as its sometimes hard to see your own mistakes.

Naith 14

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Monday 19 October 2015 13:30

Especially when up are on meth.

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Monday 19 October 2015 11:17

Maybe they have a major for that? Haha just kidding FYL OP

xn3x 10

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Monday 19 October 2015 11:20

You may be using a pseudonym, but I will always remember your name, Mr. Haizenberg.

Arot6 17

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Monday 19 October 2015 11:27

You should be fine if you're applying for their chemistry program

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Monday 19 October 2015 11:34

Meth: more than once

venomousflower 24

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Monday 19 October 2015 11:35

Well shit