Health: Today, after staying up all night with an excruciating headache,...

By wideawakeandinpain - 17/12/2011 11:09 - United States

Today, after staying up all night with an excruciating headache, it finally went away. I crawled into bed and snuggled up to my husband only to have him shift positions and elbow me right in the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 972

You deserved it 3 110

Health

Leave us alone

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

By person123abc - 09/12/2010 05:35 - United States

Today, I sat in my room on the computer instead of attending the party of the year. I got kicked out because I wasn't invited. The party was in my back yard, hosted by my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 295

You deserved it 4 119

By Anonymous - 08/03/2015 10:33 - United Kingdom - The Hyde

Today, I decided to put on some sexy lingerie and wait for my husband to come home to surprise him. He took one look at me and immediately accused me of cheating. He was convinced my explanation was a lie and that I'd rushed some guy out the back door when he came home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 250

You deserved it 3 519

By Anonymous - 12/11/2008 08:10 - France

Today, I dropped my keys in the sewer. The spare ones are inside my locked car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 891

You deserved it 11 379

By briscoe - 29/09/2015 02:48 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I was on the train next to an elderly woman. When I told her it was my stop, she turned her knees towards the aisle, and I, thinking that she was letting me go by, began to edge past. She screamed, "DON'T PUSH ME!" and the whole train turned to look. I was thus the asshole pushing the old lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 961

You deserved it 1 677

By fatandsad - 03/01/2012 14:57 - United States

Today, I bought a $450 elliptical machine to get in shape of the new year. After 5 hours of putting it together, I realized that all the ceilings in every room of my apartment are too low for me to use it without hitting my head. I can't return it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 024

You deserved it 9 953

Fingerlickin' good

By Anonymous - 13/07/2016 04:22 - United States - Lewisville

Today, while working at my new job at a surgery center, I noticed how odd it was that the room began to smell like fried chicken. I thought it smelt pretty good, until I learned it was actually the smell of someone getting their ear cauterized. I enjoyed the smell of someone's burning ear flesh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 157

You deserved it 1 727

By Puick - 26/12/2013 23:50 - France - Sonchamp

Today, I went to a party organised by my ex. I was the last to sit down, after looking at the nametags on all 50+ chairs. That's how I realised the chair labelled "Fuckface" was mine; the one located between her parents' seats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 540

You deserved it 9 756

By FuturePolice - 23/01/2012 09:56 - United States

Today, I was accepted into a police academy. I called my girlfriend of 2 years, who was supportive through the process. She promptly broke up with me, stating, "You'll be really busy in the academy, and I can't marry a police officer. Its a dangerous job." And then called me selfish for "doing this to us." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 464

You deserved it 3 492

At will

By Anonymous - 29/08/2020 17:02 - Poland - Polska

Today, I was fired for asking HR to move me to another department, due to my manager's unethical behaviour against me. The alternative was shut up and look for another job. Which I have to do now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 583

You deserved it 119

By Samantha Glennie - 13/07/2018 20:30

Today, due to the high pollen count and despite taking hay fever medicine, I passed out in the bathroom from not being able to breathe. My mother accused me of doing it on purpose to make her late for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 621

You deserved it 222

By Embarassed - 10/09/2009 05:32 - Canada

Today, I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. At least, I thought I did, until I woke up to my pants, sheets, and boyfriend all soaking wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 472

You deserved it 8 074

By Stiffed - 07/04/2016 09:19 - Australia - Warrnambool

Today, my old boss stiffed me on a large sum of money he owes me. I tried to contact him and point out that he legally owes me the money, but he won't answer his texts or his phone, and the managers say he changes the subject whenever they bring it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 122

You deserved it 1 476

By a faint recollection - 23/05/2016 01:57 - United States - Goshen

Today, while at a trampoline park, my time of the month and my out-of-shape body worked together to make me almost pass out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 962

You deserved it 2 008

By adrenochrome - 09/02/2009 09:21 - Lithuania

Today, I learnt that nail polish remover is, in fact, VERY flammable. And I learnt it the hard way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 880

You deserved it 43 143

By chocochoco - 24/03/2014 03:40 - United States - Auburn

Today, my drunken self became a vaguely racist poet. I am now the author of a four-page poem entitled "Chocolate Men". FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 915

You deserved it 17 868

By titoutou222 - 22/10/2011 12:40 - France

Today, my five-year-old daughter came home from school. It was cold and she was very tired. I said, "Take off your socks and blow your nose." She took off her socks and blew her nose into them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 446

You deserved it 18 561

By naps aren't what they used to be - 27/04/2013 22:05 - United States

Today, my car was stolen from the parking garage, the same one I work at as a security guard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 032

You deserved it 25 896

Deep-seated resentment

By Boyufd - 14/05/2020 17:00

Today, I found out why my dad doesn't want my girlfriend coming to our house anymore. Apparently, her dad used to bully him a lot during high school and he's never gotten over it. He's threatened to disown me if she comes back over here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 249

You deserved it 208

By soulaar - 02/10/2015 14:22 - Vietnam - Dong Nai

Today, I was sitting outside in a pair of shorts. After about 15 minutes of getting weird looks from people, I realized my cock was sticking out of a hole that wasn't in my shorts when I put them on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 607

You deserved it 5 333

Stay safe, stay home FFS!

By wtf_are_people_doing - 21/04/2020 23:00

Today, I went to meet my boyfriend for a walk. It's our anniversary, and I hadn't seen him in over a month because of the quarantine, so we agreed to meet, as long as we had the proper safety gear and were careful. On my way to meet him, I drove past a park. In it were twelve half-naked teenagers playing volleyball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 402

You deserved it 324

By erin - 04/02/2010 14:51 - France

Today, I met a guy online, and I realized the cyber sex I had with him was better than the sex I get from my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 269

You deserved it 33 614

By FML - 11/07/2016 21:16 - United States - Pine Bush

Today, I was at work and a guy walked up holding his phone with the camera facing me. He then looks up at me and says, "I'm not taking a picture of you. I'm just trying to catch a Pokemon." And here I was thinking that I looked nice today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 716

You deserved it 2 436

Alright bruv'?

By zetuga055 - 15/10/2021 14:00

Today, like I do once a week, I put my bins out to be collected. I was woken up in the early hours by a drunk lad outside, claiming he was desperate for a waz. The sound of him pissing in my food waste bin will haunt me for the rest of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 715

You deserved it 72

By Anonymous - 23/04/2013 13:38 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, my husband rejected sleeping with me because he wants to "save his energy" for building his custom car. Apparently, I'm a "distraction." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 049

You deserved it 6 354

By qwerty6 - 30/09/2009 06:17 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my birthday. I asked my mom that instead of a present if she would make a donation to my favourite charity. She said that this wasn't a "proper" present for a 15-year-old girl. Instead she got me a kettle because "ours had broke and you make the most tea in the family." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 277

You deserved it 5 499

By cookie_lover_xx - 15/10/2015 06:24 - United States - Chandler

Today, my mom ended up having a midlife crisis. She decided it was finally time to get those tight leather pants that she has always wanted, and is now planning on putting a stripper pole in her room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 492

You deserved it 2 027

By yeetyeet - 06/01/2019 12:00

Today, we had an emergency lock down drill. The closest room to me was the bathroom, so I rushed in and went into one of the stalls, like I was supposed to only to find out that a girl in the stall next to me was shitting. And it didn't seem like she was going to be done anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 080

You deserved it 319

By Judgeisalwaysright - 01/03/2016 08:57 - United States - Chesterfield

Today, while at a big speech and debate tournament, I corrected the judge's use of the word "podium" instead of lectern, because that's what my debate coach had told me was the correct usage. Well, she didn't take it too well and neither did my partner. Or my debate coach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 683

You deserved it 20 882

By Anonymous - 12/12/2013 23:25 - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, my grandparents came over to visit. I'm still not sure if they came to see me or my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 383

You deserved it 3 347

By david99021 - 19/03/2015 14:24 - Turkey - Ankara

Today, I told my mom I've been having sleep issues and asked if she could take me to the doctor. She decided I just need to read the Bible more. Needless to say, I still can't sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 632

You deserved it 2 534

By Anonymous - 25/04/2015 17:32 - United States

Today, I orgasmed in front of someone for the first time. Too bad it was my dad who didn't knock before coming in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 433

You deserved it 6 576

By Anonymous - 27/05/2009 22:44 - United States

Today, my kitten was playing with the drawstring on my pajama pants. He then jumped, clinging on to my crotch. I screamed in pain, which scared him and made him hold on tighter. My cat was literally hanging from my vagina with its claws for a good 30 seconds before I could pry him off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 657

You deserved it 8 124

By Dump Tump - 29/03/2019 22:00

Today, my flute broke. I have an exam coming tomorrow and all repair shops are closed. I guess I’ll have to lose £150. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 716

You deserved it 159

By CatLady - 09/06/2011 07:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I tried to give his cat medicine. Unfortunately, it reacted in a way it never had before: clawed his arms to bits, bit him so hard a tooth fell out, peed everywhere, including on me, and pooped on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 111

You deserved it 6 012

By bleue - 23/04/2015 12:27 - France - Montberon

Today, in a crowded doctor's waiting room, my two-year-old daughter let a loud fart rip. I asked her, "What do we say?" She replied, "IT'S ME!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 900

You deserved it 4 718

Working for the weekend

By Anonymous - 14/04/2021 08:00

Today, I started my first 3-day weekend in over a month after asking for one. I also start the neverending diarrhea and vomit spiral because my stomach can’t handle a little spice. So much for a relaxing 3-day weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 775

You deserved it 125

By Anonymous - 11/08/2012 06:21 - United States - Yucaipa

Today, I accidentally sprayed some perfume in my eye. After rinsing said burning eye with water for a few minutes, I half-blindly grabbed the eyedrops my sister left on the counter and used some. They were actually tea tree oil drops. Ouch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 546

You deserved it 5 618

By hard - 09/08/2010 07:07 - Canada

Today, I was at the grocery store and this hot guy was staring at my ass, so I smiled at him. My mother noticed he was checking my ass out, and she approached him and said "I know she has a big ass, but it's rude to stare, son." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 579

You deserved it 5 783

By ShockBait - 22/08/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, it was my next-door neighbor's birthday. Over the past year, his pitbull has attacked my stepdad several times and put some stiches on me. Lucky for us, the dog was finally put down. For his birthday my neighbor got a new, bigger, pitbull. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 574

You deserved it 5 975

By Anonymous - 02/12/2010 15:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend informed me via text message that he had moved to Bristol, and the reason he had ignored me the past fortnight was because he didn't know how to tell me. He knew he was moving even before we even got together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 500

You deserved it 2 924

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Top comments

atkir002 1

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Saturday 17 December 2011 16:31

Pow!! right in the kisser!! :-)

Darklord53 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 17:22

If you're having adventure problems I feel bad for ya son, I dodged 99 arrows but my knee took one.

TheRealBruce 12

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Saturday 17 December 2011 16:31

Oh no! I'm sorry

clcbjj31 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 17:07

Love Skyrim, but that isn't funny after the other 10,000 people who used it. My cousin is out fighting dragons, and what do I get? Elbowed in the head.

MagicGiraffe 12

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Saturday 17 December 2011 17:09

I used to tell "arrow to the knee jokes", then it got old.

Darklord53 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 17:22

If you're having adventure problems I feel bad for ya son, I dodged 99 arrows but my knee took one.

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Saturday 17 December 2011 18:02

What a pain in the...

unitedfan11 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 20:55

HEAD SHOULDERS KNEES AND TOES KNEES AND TOES!!!

Characterise 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 22:57

^ MEMSSS start of pre school

3mi1y_ 16

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Saturday 17 December 2011 16:31

rejection sucks :(

olpally 32

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Saturday 17 December 2011 16:51

What are you talking about? Re-read the fml please.. Good lord..

3mi1y_ 16

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Saturday 17 December 2011 17:01

op wanted to snuggle with her husband, husband turned away .. think i have a pretty good understanding, thanks!

FruityLoooons 8

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Saturday 17 December 2011 17:05

Reread the first sentence of the FML over 50 times, please, and then reevaluate your understanding. Doing this will prove you're not as dumb as you let on.

desireev 17

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Saturday 17 December 2011 17:05

He was sleeping and was unaware that she was snuggling him. So there wasn't any rejection. Just another headache.

olpally 32

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Saturday 17 December 2011 17:11

Apparently, everyone agrees with me number 2 and they have proven my point.. Thanks #32 for explaining it

kooochris1995 14

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Saturday 17 December 2011 17:48

Plus it doesn't say turned away. It says shifted position. Maybe he got closer to snuggle more.

kooochris1995 14

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Saturday 17 December 2011 17:50

desireev 17

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Saturday 17 December 2011 17:59

No problem 39. Felt like I needed to break it down for her since advice wasn't taken to further her understanding.

xSonic 9

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Saturday 17 December 2011 18:55

I hate when people suck up to each other......

nnguyen1995 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 19:02

I have a feeling you would know what rejection feels like

atkir002 1

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Saturday 17 December 2011 16:31

Pow!! right in the kisser!! :-)

CryMoreFMLs 14

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Saturday 17 December 2011 18:29

The circle of headache is reborn!

rexcanis 10

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Saturday 17 December 2011 18:59

She's probably seeing stars right about then, so is that close enough to being sent to the moon?

rohanmo 9

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Saturday 17 December 2011 16:32

crazy8ts 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 16:32

RIGHT TO THE MOON!

DocBastard 38

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Saturday 17 December 2011 16:33

Jäger will do that to you. Every time.

boredblonde 17

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Saturday 17 December 2011 16:33

Sometimes life's a bitch like that

J0gby 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 23:44

life is always a bitch:(

bearnblue 0

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Sunday 18 December 2011 6:07

When your husband gives you a deadache... You make a ball ache!

Coacy 6

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Sunday 18 December 2011 9:26

Your really hot

DioMaledica 14

Saturday 17 December 2011 16:33

Can't think of anything to write in 30 seconds

DioMaledica 14

Saturday 17 December 2011 16:37

Already thumbed myself down. :) Ok now to think of a comment ok that was a shi*ty situation, crap doesn't apply here.

FruityLoooons 8

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Saturday 17 December 2011 17:07

That bored, huh.

Daydreemdie 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 16:34

Get another headache? O_o this is 2 bad

EmperorXing 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 16:34

Ouch.... Make him sleep on the couch!

eyeIoveyou 4

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Saturday 17 December 2011 16:44

why would she go and do that? he wasn't conscious nor aware of what he was doing.

farhil 14

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Saturday 17 December 2011 19:41

10, I hope that no poor soul ever has to marry you

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 6

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 460

You deserved it 59

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 726

You deserved it 222

Fingerlickin' good

At will

Deep-seated resentment

Stay safe, stay home FFS!

Alright bruv'?

Working for the weekend

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