Today, after staying up all night with an excruciating headache,...

By wideawakeandinpain - 17/12/2011 11:09 - United States

Today, after staying up all night with an excruciating headache, it finally went away. I crawled into bed and snuggled up to my husband only to have him shift positions and elbow me right in the head. FML

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Health

The best cat

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Or he's just becoming an old goober

By Alexander - 30/5/2010 16:53 - Russian Federation

Today, I found that my cats somehow managed to pull the plug of my fridge out of the socket. Several days ago. Now I have to get rid of a ton of stinking food and clean the stinking fridge. FML

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By SG - 24/3/2012 12:14 - United States

Today, I was fooling around with my husband on the bed. I was excited as he lifted my arms up in a seductive way, only to roll deodorant under my armpits. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2009 17:15 - United States

Today, was my boyfriends mom's surprise birthday party. I was sent to pick up the very expensive cake and dozens of balloons. Not only was it windy and the balloons flew away, I tripped and dropped the cake. In the driveway in front of all their family and friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, while talking on the phone with my long distance boyfriend, he let me know that he was getting married in August to "some girl" for his papers. After I objected he told me, "well you can marry me if you want." I'm not sure if I just got dumped or proposed to. FML

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By Nick - 10/5/2011 07:37 - Philippines

Today, I laughed at a joke and it literally took me a minute to realize that it was me they were making fun of. FML

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By horselover7766 - 25/4/2012 23:08 - United States - Sewell

Today, my brother and I were shoveling mulch. He pushed me in and then ran away, laughing hysterically. I was stuck in the mulch, and no one would help. I was literally in deep shit. FML

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By Quincy_Ethan - 29/8/2014 21:22 - United States - Killeen

Today, my little sister was using my phone to play games. About an hour later, she came to me and said my phone wouldn't work. Turns out my phone had gotten hot and she put it in water to cool it down. FML

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By Tai - 31/10/2010 13:30 - Australia

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for cumming inside her because she didnt want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2009 07:00 - United States

Today, I saw an elderly man struggling to make it across a busy street. I jumped up from my table at Starbucks to help him, leaving my things behind. When I got back to my table feeling good, I found that my coffee had disappeared. So had my wallet. FML

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By El Sayer - 3/3/2020 23:01 - United States - Saint Paul

Hey, Big Spender!

Today, I put a lock on my account because of several unknown purchases for large amounts. Turns out it was my girlfriend, without asking. Who is now mad at me for blocking her parcels. FML

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By deadgrass - 29/3/2012 00:44 - United States - Middletown

Heavenly Shower

Today, I discovered that the stream of water that periodically falls onto the ground outside my apartment window isn't actually water. The guy above me regularly pees out of his window onto his balcony. FML

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By Sam - 21/5/2009 02:17 - Canada

Today, I ordered more memory and a new hard drive for my computer. I can't remember the last time I was this excited about something. FML

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By Jenievonteese - 12/6/2011 23:33 - United States

Today, I was having a nice dream in which a beautiful butterfly flew by me and got stuck in my hair, fluttering its wings against my neck. Then I woke up and realized the "butterfly" stuck in my hair was actually a giant wood roach. FML

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By jobless - 6/11/2014 02:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, for the first time since I can remember, I went in to work feeling positive, and that I could make good things happen. At the end of the day, my employment was terminated. FML

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By Username - 26/7/2010 02:32 - France

Today, I had been sick all day, so to cheer me up my dad drove me to get ice cream. On our way back, we hit a puppy. FML

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By well, now what - 12/12/2014 14:39 - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I confronted my boyfriend after he received a text with a bunch of hearts on it. After arguing, turns out it was from me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 10:57 - Australia

Today, I was shaving my left armpit when I cut myself badly. I wondered whether or not it would be safe to shave my right armpit, then reasoned that it couldn’t possibly happen twice. It did. FML

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By weliveanddie14 - 7/5/2009 20:27 - United States

Today, I was at the library. I went near the computer section when I saw this man cursing and pounding his fists on a computer. He left. I thought I'd check it out. As I sat down, a librarian came over with the security guard and pointed at me. I'm now being fined for destroying public property. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2020 17:00

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Today, I was getting frisky with my husband under the covers in bed. My son decided to run into our room and cannonball on top of my husband. This startled him, which caused him to bite me. FML

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By Savannah - 1/8/2011 21:20 - United States

Today, my dad confessed that the only reason I'm alive today is because he couldn't afford to pay for an abortion. He couldn't afford it because he'd splashed out on brand new furniture at IKEA shortly before discovering my mom was pregnant. FML

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By VladyBoi - 1/11/2011 00:18 - United States

Today, it's my first Halloween in America since moving from Russia. While handing candy to children, my roommate told me to compliment a little girl by saying "You have a face only a parent could love". I found out it isn't a compliment when I was punched by her Dad. FML

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By LostSoul - 19/7/2019 14:02

Today, I was at a store. I asked if I needed a key for their bathroom, and they said the door was open. I have to walk past them to go in and out of the bathroom. Thirty seconds later, they used the key and walked in on me. FML

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By stoolgal - 23/9/2016 06:19 - United States - Yukon

Today, I found out after a lot of panic and a visit to the gynecologist that the lump in my vagina isn't cancer. I was just constipated. FML

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By - 16/3/2019 09:00 - United States - Augusta

Today, My girlfriend dumped me because of a game... No that because I was playing the game... Cause she got addicted to a game and decided that the game was more important than our relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2009 03:16 - Canada

Today, for my two month anniversary, my boyfriend surprised me with a "present". He then lifted his pant leg. He had carved my initials into his leg with a knife. FML

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By Bonecrusher - 27/3/2015 22:50 - United States - Sonoma

Today, I was trying out for a position as pitcher for my college baseball team. I threw the ball as hard as I could, and then collapsed to the ground in agony from a dislocated shoulder. FML

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By NotTheSoulMate - 26/9/2013 06:54 - United States

Today, even though I don't necessarily believe in soul mates, I found out my wife does. She met hers a few weeks ago. FML

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By traumatized4life - 4/11/2010 19:32 - United States

Today, I woke up to two text messages from my mother. The first said, "You could've had this for breakfast. How do you like your eggs?" The next text was a picture message of her naked. I think it was meant to be sent to her boyfriend. FML

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By cheesfactor - 19/5/2012 19:50 - Bulgaria - Rousse

Today, my wardrobe door jammed, and I couldn't change out into some nice clothes for my date. On the way there, my car broke down. Not wanting to be late and make a bad impression, I scuttled the rest of the way, only to find I'd been stood up. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2014 21:12 - United States - Denver

Today, after a solid month of hard work, I finally finished modeling and animating a 3D insect character for a scene. After presenting it to the rest of my team, one of my teammates pointed out that it looks exactly like a flying penis. FML

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By whatdoesitmatter - 1/10/2013 10:47 - India - Erayu

Today, my sex-crazed ex wrote me a letter so bad, it haunts me that I let a guy with such terrible grammar skills touch my boobs. FML

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By anonymous - 12/11/2014 05:21 - United States - Elk River

Today, my boyfriend bought us plane tickets to Mexico for our "Honeymoon". This would be nice if he had proposed and if we'd been dating for longer than 2 weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my Kung Fu-trained father found out that my boyfriend, a Krav Maga student, got me pregnant. Since I'm only 17, my dad got extremely mad. Several broken bones and a few ambulances later, it looks like a Steven Seagal movie happened in my house. FML

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By Boo - 16/8/2018 06:00

Today, my boyfriend pulled the whole "whoops wrong hole" thing during rough sex. He broke up with me because he got poop on him. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2014 21:41 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, after I took my first set of exams, my professor posted on Twitter, scoffing at how stupid one student's answer was. The answer he quoted was one that I wrote. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2013 00:53 - United States - Cranston

Today, I had to listen to my boss say "Arabica beans" in a goofy, fake New England accent every time the McDonald's ice coffee commercial came on the radio. I worked a 12-hour shift. FML

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By spongebob squarepants - 28/2/2018 01:30

Today, I rear-ended someone while trying to watch my odometer hit 80,000 miles. FML

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By messed up - 16/9/2011 21:10 - United States

Today, I finally told my crush that I like her. She said she could never date me, because apparently, "My best friend likes you." Her best friend is my step-sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2020 07:37

Slight overreaction?

Today, my husband and I recently decided not to have kids, because neither of us like children. Learning this, my dad wrote me out of his will and my mother swore on the Bible in church that she’s never going to speak to me again until I obey God's word and start multiplying. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2010 04:40 - United States

Today, at work, a woman fainted, and an extremely attractive cop came in to help. I ended up running into him an hour later. Seeing as though I'm not very shy or a nervous person, I struck up a conversation with him, thinking it must be fate. I ended up fumbling my words so much he asked if I was drunk. FML

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Top comments

By atkir002 | 1

#3745653 - Saturday 17 December 2011 16:31

Pow!! right in the kisser!! :-)

By Darklord53 | 0

#3745884 - Saturday 17 December 2011 17:22

If you're having adventure problems I feel bad for ya son, I dodged 99 arrows but my knee took one.

Comments

By TheRealBruce | 12

#3745648 - Saturday 17 December 2011 16:31

Oh no! I'm sorry

clcbjj31 | 0

#3745833 - Saturday 17 December 2011 17:07

Love Skyrim, but that isn't funny after the other 10,000 people who used it.

My cousin is out fighting dragons, and what do I get? Elbowed in the head.

MagicGiraffe | 12

#3745842 - Saturday 17 December 2011 17:09

I used to tell "arrow to the knee jokes", then it got old.

Darklord53 | 0

#3745884 - Saturday 17 December 2011 17:22

If you're having adventure problems I feel bad for ya son, I dodged 99 arrows but my knee took one.

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3746059 - Saturday 17 December 2011 18:02

What a pain in the...

unitedfan11 | 0

#3746870 - Saturday 17 December 2011 20:55

HEAD SHOULDERS KNEES AND TOES KNEES AND TOES!!!

Characterise | 0

#3747196 - Saturday 17 December 2011 22:57

^ MEMSSS start of pre school

By 3mi1y_ | 16

#3745650 - Saturday 17 December 2011 16:31

rejection sucks :(

olpally | 32

#3745766 - Saturday 17 December 2011 16:51

What are you talking about? Re-read the fml please.. Good lord..

3mi1y_ | 16

#3745799 - Saturday 17 December 2011 17:01

op wanted to snuggle with her husband, husband turned away .. think i have a pretty good understanding, thanks!

FruityLoooons | 8

#3745820 - Saturday 17 December 2011 17:05

Reread the first sentence of the FML over 50 times, please, and then reevaluate your understanding. Doing this will prove you're not as dumb as you let on.

desireev | 17

#3745823 - Saturday 17 December 2011 17:05

He was sleeping and was unaware that she was snuggling him. So there wasn't any rejection. Just another headache.

olpally | 32

#3745846 - Saturday 17 December 2011 17:11

Apparently, everyone agrees with me number 2 and they have proven my point.. Thanks #32 for explaining it

kooochris1995 | 14

#3745977 - Saturday 17 December 2011 17:48

Plus it doesn't say turned away. It says shifted position. Maybe he got closer to snuggle more.

kooochris1995 | 14

#3745994 - Saturday 17 December 2011 17:50

desireev | 17

#3746046 - Saturday 17 December 2011 17:59

No problem 39.
Felt like I needed to break it down for her since advice wasn't taken to further her understanding.

xSonic | 9

#3746243 - Saturday 17 December 2011 18:55

I hate when people suck up to each other......

nnguyen1995 | 0

#3746280 - Saturday 17 December 2011 19:02

I have a feeling you would know what rejection feels like

By atkir002 | 1

#3745653 - Saturday 17 December 2011 16:31

Pow!! right in the kisser!! :-)

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3746165 - Saturday 17 December 2011 18:29

The circle of headache is reborn!

rexcanis | 10

#3746256 - Saturday 17 December 2011 18:59

She's probably seeing stars right about then, so is that close enough to being sent to the moon?

By rohanmo | 9

#3745655 - Saturday 17 December 2011 16:32

By crazy8ts | 0

#3745656 - Saturday 17 December 2011 16:32

RIGHT TO THE MOON!

By DocBastard | 38

#3745663 - Saturday 17 December 2011 16:33

Jäger will do that to you. Every time.

By boredblonde | 17

#3745666 - Saturday 17 December 2011 16:33

Sometimes life's a bitch like that

J0gby | 0

#3747255 - Saturday 17 December 2011 23:44

life is always a bitch:(

bearnblue | 0

#3748365 - Sunday 18 December 2011 6:07

When your husband gives you a deadache... You make a ball ache!

Coacy | 6

#3748648 - Sunday 18 December 2011 9:26

Your really hot

By DioMaledica | 14

#3745668 - Saturday 17 December 2011 16:33

Can't think of anything to write in 30 seconds

DioMaledica | 14

#3745691 - Saturday 17 December 2011 16:37

Already thumbed myself down. :)
Ok now to think of a comment ok that was a shi*ty situation, crap doesn't apply here.

FruityLoooons | 8

#3745830 - Saturday 17 December 2011 17:07

That bored, huh.

By Daydreemdie | 0

#3745673 - Saturday 17 December 2011 16:34

Get another headache? O_o this is 2 bad

By EmperorXing | 0

#3745677 - Saturday 17 December 2011 16:34

Ouch.... Make him sleep on the couch!

eyeIoveyou | 4

#3745732 - Saturday 17 December 2011 16:44

why would she go and do that? he wasn't conscious nor aware of what he was doing.

farhil | 14

#3746535 - Saturday 17 December 2011 19:41

10, I hope that no poor soul ever has to marry you