Today, after spending the three previous nights cursing the noisiest... - FML

By SoundConfuser - 13/10/2010 11:58 - Australia

Today, after spending the three previous nights cursing the noisiest bird alive that continually disrupts my sleep to the point where I just want to smash the damn thing's head in with a rock, I realised it's been my pedestal fan the entire time. FML

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Dangling modifier

Incognito browsing

Spooky

By lostintellct - 11/5/2009 04:46 - United States

Today, I had a hour long conversation with someone I apparently was friends with a few years ago. I couldn't remember who he was for the life of me, so I just played along. Finally, I told him I didn't remember him. He had the wrong number. I had a long conversation with a wrong number. FML

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By MommyProblems - 19/1/2014 05:17 - United States

Today, my 2-year-old son put his hand on my face, gave me a sweet kiss, and put his cheek against mine. Then he slapped me hard enough to leave a mark, laughed, and scrambled away. FML

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By Jobless - 27/4/2017 14:00

Today, my new job e-mailed to tell me the role was no longer available, leaving me to start my job search all over again. My notice at my current job ends this week. But it's OK, because as compensation for my 'distress', the company sent £100 worth of vouchers... to the wrong address. FML

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By WhiteLiar - 4/3/2010 01:26 - United States

Today, I was telling a new friend of mine about my boyfriend. I told her his name and where he is from. She interrupted me and says "Yeah drives a big white truck, rides dirt bikes?! I dated him two years ago!" This guy and I have dated for four years. FML

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By Twinner - 20/10/2009 19:03 - Canada

Today, I learned that being a twin really isn't that cool. After laughing at my twin brother for getting a speeding ticket he turns to me and says "It's not mine." Confused, I look at the ticket and see my name. He used my license. FML

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By oops... - 12/9/2014 05:50 - Canada - Sylvan Lake

Today, my daughter was going to Bulk Barn so I asked her to pick me up something to snack on. When she got home, she brought over a bag and without listening to her explain what it was, I began eating it. She looked at me confused, then began laughing. It was a dog treat. FML

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By Sarah - 17/12/2012 12:25 - United States - Statesboro

Today, I had to break up with my boyfriend when I caught him installing cameras in my bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 17:32 - United States

Today, I found myself crying in the bathroom because I started to feel lonely and depressed. My mother came into the bathroom, hearing me cry and gave me an hour long speech about what a beautiful human being I am... And to not forget to lose weight. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2012 21:05 - United States

Today, I had my first chorus concert. We got a bigger applause when we left the stage than when we sang. FML

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By nmaidkieavg - 25/1/2011 06:13

Today, I got pulled over for a traffic violation. Thinking I could get away with it, I spoke with a French accent. The officer then asked me a question in perfect French. I got a ticket. FML

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By nobody - 28/2/2016 01:36 - United States - Petaluma

Today, my best friend said we couldn't be friends anymore because I'm too depressed or too happy all the time. After explaining for half an hour what bipolar depression was and how I have it he just said, "Bullshit!" FML

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By Noname - 9/3/2009 17:04 - Canada

Today, I was rubbing my dog's belly. He seemed to be enjoying it, his penis "came out". My boyfriend was walking by and said "at least you turn someone on." FML

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By badtiming - 3/3/2015 17:18 - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I received a rejection letter from a job I desperately wanted. Yesterday, the job offer I'd been stalling on in while waiting for news about this one expired. FML

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By duped - 29/10/2011 11:32 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend confessed that he hates horror films. Our relationship was born out of our 'love' for horror films. I have endured 3 years of watching films that absolutely terrify me only to find out he doesn't like them either. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2016 14:23

Today, a customer asked if we stocked gluten-free water. Then she got pissed when I laughed at what I thought was her joke. FML

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By pocketrocket90 - 8/8/2014 06:05 - Australia - Capalaba

Today, I got a call from my very drunk boyfriend at 1:30am asking for my permission to have sex with a "gross fat chick" he met at a pub, because he "felt sorry for her". The conversation ended with me getting hung up on because I "don't have a heart". FML

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By leigh2812 - 5/1/2010 22:03 - France

Today, I was watching Free Willy with my boyfriend. It was at the part where the boy leaned into the water to give Willy a hug. I asked, "How do you even hug a whale?" My boyfriend rolled over and gave me a hug, and said, "Like this." FML

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By captain patch beard - 3/10/2019 18:01

RIP Beard

Today, I met a girl at a bar, we had a few drinks and really hit it off. We headed back to my place to get a little action. As she was riding me, she got rougher and rougher until she reached down and yanked a patch of hair right out of my beard. I yelped in pain and didn’t even finish. FML

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By ItaliczZz - 12/10/2011 08:13 - Australia

Today, I left my window open while practicing the saxophone. My drunk neighbours showed their appreciation for the music with a well-aimed firecracker that set my mattress on fire. My landlord has threatened to evict me as she thinks I set it off. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2019 00:02

Missing the point 101

Today, I told my mom I lost 30 pounds because of an eating disorder. She told me to keep up the good work. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2019 16:03

Her House, Her Rules.

Today, my grandma told me she likes to clean the house naked every day. I'm staying there all next week. FML

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By Garageless - 14/10/2020 05:02

Ideal location

Today, I live near the bottom of a hill, where there's a curve and I'm seriously considering moving, because someone drove through my garage into the ravine. Insurance says they don't cover "Acts of God." FML

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By ew - 4/10/2009 15:41 - United States

Today, I noticed that my acne has gotten so bad, I can see it out of my peripheral vision. FML

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By Drewzter - 11/1/2010 03:33 - United States

User manual

Today, I found out that pinching the tip of the condom before you roll it down to the base is NOT a suggestion. FML

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By anonymous - 30/1/2010 00:08 - France

Today, I told my best friend I was breaking up with my girlfriend of 3 years. He thought it would be funny to tell her I was going to propose to her that night. She showed up telling me how much she loves me and that when we get married how great it will be. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2015 04:10 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I tried to hold my new boyfriend's hand while on a date. He let go quickly though, letting me know that we aren't at "that stage" of the relationship yet. We've been having sex for two weeks now. FML

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By kelsey - 8/3/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, someone stole my phone at a concert. They decided it would be funny to text my mom saying I was pregnant. FML

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By Fiancé problemsss - 5/1/2014 07:11 - United States - Billings

Today, despite all of the pictures and proof of my fiancé, my parents still think I have an imaginary boyfriend. They met him, and were there when he proposed. They think it's all a joke. FML

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By Noname - 14/2/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, I bought some flowers. As I was checking out, the cashier asked, "Aww, these for your mom? How sweet." I responded they were for a girl I liked. She laughed and said, "Sorry..." FML

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By Paulie89 - 20/10/2019 12:00

Bullshit quack chiropractor on the loose!

Today, I told my family how my wrist has been hurting for almost a week. My aunt’s chiropractor boyfriend then decided he could help by suddenly pulling my hand as hard as he could. Not only did my wrist pop and cause me more pain, but my shoulder got dislocated. FML

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By oneloveliz - 17/9/2017 23:15

Today, I was watching my dog via security camera live feed, when my roommate came in completely naked to make breakfast for himself. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, a customer at work made threats against me and my two-month old son. Instead of following policy by notifying the police, my manager apologized to him and told me to leave. FML

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By no car - 4/8/2020 17:04

Car Wars

Today, I came outside to leave for work. To my shock and horror my car was gone. My asshole neighbor, who has parked in my spot multiple times decided to let her noisy guests park in my parking spot, so I parked in hers. She had my car towed. FML

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By Courtney Micallef - 2/4/2020 08:00

Early learner

Today, I was teaching my one-year-old some new words. He pointed to the picture of the pig and said, "Mama". Guess I better start that diet. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2012 10:54 - United States - Murrieta

Today, I told my son to go clean his mess of a room. He yelled, "Dobby has no master! Dobby is a free elf!" and walked off. He turned 18 a week ago. FML

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By stepshart - 21/8/2014 19:30 - Canada - Thunder Bay

Today, my thieving, layabout stepmom planted weed in my bedroom and showed my dad. Well, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions here, but her smirk and telling me later that I shouldn't fuck with her again seems conclusive to me. Goodbye freedom. FML

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By Dino - 12/10/2012 06:36 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my new roommate showed me to my room, which I got a good deal on. I noticed a big black spot on the floor in the walk-in closet. When I asked, he said his last roommate committed suicide and he didn't want to pay to have the carpets professionally cleaned, hence the "good deal." FML

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By NotYourCopyEditor - 6/5/2019 22:00

Today, at work, I had to explain to a 50-year-old engineer that Comic Sans is not an acceptable font for a government contractor to use in a structural report. FML

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By bademployee - 12/8/2014 23:16 - United States - Portland

Today, my boss had a lengthy and obnoxiously egocentric conversation with a colleague. After she left across the office, I stood up, looked over at my colleague, and made a sarcastic "shooting myself in the head" gesture. I saw my boss staring at me over a cubicle wall as I turned around. FML

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By Voltron - 11/1/2012 00:37 - United States

Today, I have to go on a diet, because I can't afford to buy bigger clothes. FML

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Top comments

By amerwin | 3

#1542225 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:39

haha.. did you also spend a month cussing that huge truck that clunks by every time you turn your washing machine on?

By stewpididiot | 11

#1542333 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 17:06

it was a 'cheep' fan hahahaa

COMMENTS

By validus | 0

#1542189 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:34

wow, failure?

Reply

lm27 | 5

#1542195 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:35

super fail

Reply

validus | 0

#1542211 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:37

same difference, no?

Reply

lm27 | 5

#1542228 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:39

no super fail is worse than a regular failure my friend, you have much to learn..

Reply

Chaodin | 0

#1542242 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:43

6: No, Superfail is stronger than ten fails! Can fly through the air and fart lightning! Can read long Prousts in a single sitting! How could you confuse the two?

Reply

validus | 0

#1542257 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:44

it seems I has lots to learn :S

Reply

dobiesFTW | 1

#1542373 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 17:14

never put the birdie on a pedestal.

Reply

bloobelly | 0

#1542547 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 18:24

number 1 said it all

Reply

bustaqueef | 0

#1543007 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 19:42

This story took place in Austrailia.

Reply

EffinAhole | 0

#1545707 - Thursday 14 October 2010 7:07

31- 40 year old virgin?

Reply

desichiqa | 0

#1545815 - Thursday 14 October 2010 9:03

really??

By redpump | 0

#1542191 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:35

Idiot. How can a fan sound like a bird?

Reply

ygdrassil | 17

#1542218 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:39

It was probably squeaking as it was oscillating.

Reply

redpump | 0

#1542308 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:56

Squeaking = bird chirping? I fail to make the connection.

Reply

stewpididiot | 11

#1542333 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 17:06

it was a 'cheep' fan hahahaa

Reply

lm27 | 5

#1542391 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 17:20

hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahabababa #26=superwin

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#1542407 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 17:28

redpump- you certainly do fail. Hey, you said it, not me!

Reply

22cute | 17

#4069104 - Tuesday 21 February 2012 23:43

Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep
Get it?

By bglad09 | 0

#1542197 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:35

you're freaking retarded.

Reply

markrs | 0

#3790281 - Monday 26 December 2011 17:24

Let me guess, and you only hear this bird when you turn tue fan on?

By fyllmao | 0

#1542208 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:36

wow just wow EPIC FAIL!

Reply

iRyanJr | 0

#1542683 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 19:04

You're*

You're welcome.

Reply

nerdsgetmehot | 22

#1542688 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 19:05

#54 Her fucking hot what?

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#1543982 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 20:57

Dammit, nerds, you beat me to it.

Reply

fyllmao | 0

#1545549 - Thursday 14 October 2010 5:19

it's not me it's Kate gosselin haha

By Randen_fml | 0

#1542213 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:37

glad you Finnaly figured it out though :).

Reply

AliaAlM | 0

#1542275 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:47

lol

Reply

rhanana | 0

#1542364 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 17:13

yeah beforevthey went and shot down all the neigjborhood birds

By robertdr | 0

#1542215 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:38

here let me help you(caresses face)*
(grabs cart)* i am only helping snickerssszzz

Reply

bailes_o_hay | 0

#1542301 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:53

creepy ass commercial

By amerwin | 3

#1542225 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:39

haha.. did you also spend a month cussing that huge truck that clunks by every time you turn your washing machine on?

Reply

SARSvirus79 | 0

#1542326 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 17:02

LOL. I like it.

Reply

xXSweetNightmare | 0

#1544035 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 21:07

Loll. x]

By YaLuckyGal | 0

#1542248 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:44

HAHA idiot. How can you mistake a fan for a bird? Lol.

By lovelyliz916 | 5

#1542250 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:44

Didn't you feel stupid afterwards??

By Allymeme | 3

#1542252 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:44

ydi for being stupid