Animals: Today, after spending the three previous nights cursing the noisiest... - FML

By SoundConfuser - Australia

Today, after spending the three previous nights cursing the noisiest bird alive that continually disrupts my sleep to the point where I just want to smash the damn thing's head in with a rock, I realised it's been my pedestal fan the entire time. FML

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Late term

Close quarters

Every little helps

By themarrowguy - United States

Today, after recently discovering that I need a bone marrow transplant, my girlfriend got tested to see if she could be a donor. When the results came back with a negative match, she blurted out, "Oh thank god." FML

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By brokeandcardless - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my card got declined at Subway, so I walked to the nearest cashpoint thirty minutes away to frantically figure out how much cash I had in my card. As I went to pull my card out of my purse, it slipped from my grip and fell into the sewer. The guy behind me snorted with laughter. FML

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By idontlikebitter - Switzerland - Klingnau

Today, as I was doing my make-up, I needed a Q-tip to fix a mistake. I took one out the box and put it in my mouth to get it wet. Too bad someone had used it before to clean their ears. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Flagstaff

Today, at age 27, I went to pick up the girl I like for my first ever date. Her brother answered the door with a baseball bat, said the date was off and threatened to smash my kneecaps to pieces if I ever came back. FML

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By dude, where's my balls? :( - United States - Anchorage

Today, my mom and I went to Best Buy for some Christmas shopping. She picked up some presents for me and told me not to look at what she was buying. When we got to the register, she didn't have enough money, and I ended up having to buy my own presents. FML

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By DieTrying - United States

Today, while in bed with my fiancée, I asked her to take off her pants so we could get it on. She said, "No, I don't feel like squeezing into them again." I was cockblocked by a pair of jeans. FML

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By Robert

Today, I finally got medication to deal with my seizures. I've had them since I was 5, but my mother had always believed I was faking it. When I seized during a basketball game, she actually came onto the court and lectured the referee for "humoring" me. FML

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By IntimidatorStag - United States

Today, I gave my girlfriend some non-alcoholic beer as a joke. In slurred speech, she told me I have the body of a monk seal. She then took my keys, staggered to my car, and drove away. She crashed into a tree two blocks later. She's fine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I thought it'd be hot to have it off on the golf course once it was dark. Who would've thought that sprinklers start up once it's pitch dark. I got a lot wetter than I thought I would. FML

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By blindsparrow - United States - Dublin

Today, I went out to get milk from the garage fridge for my mom. The moment I stepped out, my foot settled on the neighbor's boa, who likes to escape. After my mom finally opened the door to my frantic shouting, she spotted the snake, slammed the door, and locked both of us outside. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Stuttgart

Today, after taking my crush to the train station late at night, I sat in a local park alone with my thoughts for a while. Two cops appeared out of nowhere and started searching me for drugs and weapons, asking me questions for a good 30 minutes. Not the kind of action I expected tonight. FML

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By dogproblems - United States - Charlotte

Today, I shaved my beard in preparation for an important work conference. Now my dog won't stop growling and barking at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I signed a two-year lease on a house. My next-door neighbor said she's in love with me, threatened my girlfriend, and won't stop blasting Taylor Swift. FML

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By Oh hells no - United States - Los Altos

Today, my girlfriend came home with a huge bouquet of roses. They were from an admirer, brainwashing her to think I'm a terrible boyfriend for not buying her flowers like he did. FML

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By Queen_Dread - United States - Ocean Park

Today, my fiancé and I appeared in the paper for obtaining our marriage license. In the same column half way down his parents appeared for filing their marriage dissolution petition. FML

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By obsequiousfannyflapper - Netherlands - Zwijndrecht

Today, my new room-mate moved in. She spent over an hour obsessively searching the place for god knows what kind of secret recording devices, and now aggressively demands that I taste-test all of her pre-prepared meals to make sure they're not poisoned. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newberry

Today, I was talking to my husband about how I wanted our marriage to improve and not just be sex all the time. In the middle of my sentence, he asked for a blow job. FML

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By Sally - United States

Today, my parents were ecstatic about sending me to an amazingly fun camp. I didn't know until I got there that it was a fat camp. FML

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By EpicOracle - 13/2/2021 13:57

Praise the Lord!

Today, I woke up to my friends-with-benefits asking me why I didn't pray after waking up. We had an all nighter and I don't even know if that's something to be worried about. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the manager that hired me and worked for years to inspire and connect her staff was laid to rest. Hours before the funeral, her replacement told me he wanted my 2 weeks notice on his desk tonight. I've been a model employee, he just doesn't like me. FML

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By dynah114 - Israel - Petah Tiqva

Today, at my cousin's birthday party, my grandma took me to one side, slipped me a pad, and started ranting that tampons "steal your virginity" and that I should never use them. Well, okay then. FML

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By blahblah1993 - United States - Katy

Today, I'm 8 months pregnant and still waitressing at a local restaurant. There were only 3 of us serving today and things were hectic. One guy bitched me out, saying "Maybe if you lost some weight you'd walk a little faster!" because I wasn't fast enough with his soup. FML

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By failallday - Australia - Brisbane

Today, one of my customer's pipes were blocked. As I went to unblock it, about a handful of used condoms collided with my face. I don't know if I should be disgusted by this or disgusted by my customer. FML

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By David - United States - Seattle

Today, my mother-in-law moved in because she has a hip problem. I don't know what's worse, her constant complaining and slob like tendencies, or the eight cats she brought along with her. FML

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By CassyM - Canada - Red Deer

Today, my 2-year-old asked for cake, so I told her I would make her one. I showed her two boxes of cake and asked which one she wanted. She picked one and happily tried opening it. She'd thought a fully cooked cake is in the box. Ever tried explaining baking to a toddler? FML

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By misswhiskers - Australia

Today, it's my birthday. I woke up to a text message from my boyfriend, breaking up with me. When I commented on his impeccably bad timing, he admitted he'd forgotten it was my birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway

Today, I was outside with a guy I really like. He asked me to lay down on the ground and watch the stars with him. I did. Suddenly, he got up, walked over to another girl and kissed her. They left me there on the soaking wet ground, watching the stars. FML

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By Steph - Bulgaria

Today, I realized how much I hate my apartment. Not only can I hear my creepy upstairs neighbor having sex with random hookers every few night, I can also hear him everytime he takes a shit. I honestly don't know which is worse. FML

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By Hm - United States

Today, I found out the love of my life, my husband, is cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, his response was, "Don't blame me, you're the gullible bitch." FML

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By alphabetman - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. Thinking I was being cute I spelled out "Marry Me" in alphabet soup, because that's her favorite. She took one look at it and started to laugh. She then began to spell out "no". She still ate the soup. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2021 23:01

You just had to be special

Today, all of my friends are complaining about weight gain due to the pandemic. Instead, I have remained the exact same size, but completely unable to sleep or digest my food. FML

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By fml - Japan - Koshigaya

Today, I took my 2-year-old son to the ear doctor, since he'd stopped responding whenever I call him. The doctor told me that his ears are just fine. He's just ignoring me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at the zoo with my boyfriend, he pointed at the howling gorillas and shouted over to me: "Hah! That's what you sound like in bed!" FML

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By testacular - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Bad blow job

Today, due to a combination of boredom and a faulty hair dryer, I now have singed pubes and burned balls. FML

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By DEDMan

Today, I found out that my 6-year-old son was named after my wife's "Favorite Uncle" because he might also be the father. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, after spending two weeks renovating my room and $1000 on paint and a new floor, my landlord told me that he's sold the house. Also, he was kind enough to inform me that unless I paint the walls back to white, I won't be getting my $500 deposit back. FML

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By Tori - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. Within seconds of getting my drink, I spilled it all over the table and my scarf. When the waiter was helping clean up the spill, he knocked over my boyfriend's drink. All over my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lutz

Today, a few months after my co-worker had stopped wearing her engagement ring, I decided to put on the moves and start flirting with her. I soon found out that her fiancé had died, and that she's nowhere near over him, despite her brave face. I feel like a total asshole. FML

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By housebroken - United States

Today, my godmother informed me that the rule of thumb my ex had used for our relationship during a year of cohabitation was taken directly from a Cesar Millan book on "How to train dogs." FML

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By fuck my arse - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, my husband and I were fooling around, and things got heated. In the heat of things, I told him to tear my panties off. He took it literally and yanked at them with all his might. It's been two hours and I still can't walk straight. FML

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Top comments

By amerwin | 3

#1542225 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:39

haha.. did you also spend a month cussing that huge truck that clunks by every time you turn your washing machine on?

By stewpididiot | 11

#1542333 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 17:06

it was a 'cheep' fan hahahaa

COMMENTS

By validus | 0

#1542189 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:34

wow, failure?

Reply

lm27 | 5

#1542195 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:35

super fail

Reply

validus | 0

#1542211 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:37

same difference, no?

Reply

lm27 | 5

#1542228 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:39

no super fail is worse than a regular failure my friend, you have much to learn..

Reply

Chaodin | 0

#1542242 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:43

6: No, Superfail is stronger than ten fails! Can fly through the air and fart lightning! Can read long Prousts in a single sitting! How could you confuse the two?

Reply

validus | 0

#1542257 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:44

it seems I has lots to learn :S

Reply

dobiesFTW | 1

#1542373 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 17:14

never put the birdie on a pedestal.

Reply

bloobelly | 0

#1542547 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 18:24

number 1 said it all

Reply

bustaqueef | 0

#1543007 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 19:42

This story took place in Austrailia.

Reply

EffinAhole | 0

#1545707 - Thursday 14 October 2010 7:07

31- 40 year old virgin?

Reply

desichiqa | 0

#1545815 - Thursday 14 October 2010 9:03

really??

By redpump | 0

#1542191 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:35

Idiot. How can a fan sound like a bird?

Reply

ygdrassil | 17

#1542218 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:39

It was probably squeaking as it was oscillating.

Reply

redpump | 0

#1542308 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:56

Squeaking = bird chirping? I fail to make the connection.

Reply

stewpididiot | 11

#1542333 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 17:06

it was a 'cheep' fan hahahaa

Reply

lm27 | 5

#1542391 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 17:20

hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahabababa #26=superwin

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#1542407 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 17:28

redpump- you certainly do fail. Hey, you said it, not me!

Reply

22cute | 17

#4069104 - Tuesday 21 February 2012 23:43

Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep
Get it?

By bglad09 | 0

#1542197 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:35

you're freaking retarded.

Reply

markrs | 0

#3790281 - Monday 26 December 2011 17:24

Let me guess, and you only hear this bird when you turn tue fan on?

By fyllmao | 0

#1542208 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:36

wow just wow EPIC FAIL!

Reply

iRyanJr | 0

#1542683 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 19:04

You're*

You're welcome.

Reply

nerdsgetmehot | 22

#1542688 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 19:05

#54 Her fucking hot what?

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#1543982 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 20:57

Dammit, nerds, you beat me to it.

Reply

fyllmao | 0

#1545549 - Thursday 14 October 2010 5:19

it's not me it's Kate gosselin haha

By Randen_fml | 0

#1542213 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:37

glad you Finnaly figured it out though :).

Reply

AliaAlM | 0

#1542275 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:47

lol

Reply

rhanana | 0

#1542364 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 17:13

yeah beforevthey went and shot down all the neigjborhood birds

By robertdr | 0

#1542215 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:38

here let me help you(caresses face)*
(grabs cart)* i am only helping snickerssszzz

Reply

bailes_o_hay | 0

#1542301 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:53

creepy ass commercial

By amerwin | 3

#1542225 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:39

haha.. did you also spend a month cussing that huge truck that clunks by every time you turn your washing machine on?

Reply

SARSvirus79 | 0

#1542326 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 17:02

LOL. I like it.

Reply

xXSweetNightmare | 0

#1544035 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 21:07

Loll. x]

By YaLuckyGal | 0

#1542248 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:44

HAHA idiot. How can you mistake a fan for a bird? Lol.

By lovelyliz916 | 5

#1542250 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:44

Didn't you feel stupid afterwards??

By Allymeme | 3

#1542252 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 16:44

ydi for being stupid