Today, after I got in my car in the Walmart parking lot, a creepy... - FML

By ParanoidFreak - 31/12/2010 09:31 - United States

Today, after I got in my car in the Walmart parking lot, a creepy man knocked on my window. Since I'm incredibly paranoid and scare easily, I put my car in gear and tore out of there, accidentally hitting another car. Apparently he was returning my phone that I dropped. FML

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Proactive

This is fine

Fake News

By Anonymous - 2/11/2010 12:17 - United States

Today, I moved back in with my parents in order to help them with the mortgage, so they don't lose the house that has been in our family for three generations. I also found out that I now have a curfew, and so does my husband and our 3 year old son. FML

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By Guess I'm not getting laid - 3/8/2018 14:30 - United States - Glasgow

Today, as things were finally heating up with a guy I'm interested in, his ex-girlfriend from two months ago called. Guess who's pregnant and guess who's still in a seven-month dry spell. FML

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By 2.5-long-months - 28/7/2016 13:49 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my husband and I had our first prenatal appointment. My doctor told us we shouldn't have sex during the first trimester, "just to be safe". He has no evidence to back this, but now my husband is too scared to touch me. FML

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By grotesque sexy - 5/10/2020 02:02 - United States - Portland

Body shaming ain't cool

Today, my boyfriend refused to have sex with me because I have ass acne. The reason I have ass acne is from working out to lose weight. I was trying to lose weight because he wouldn't have sex with me because I was too fat. I can't win. FML

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By Fat and Embarrassed - 26/9/2016 02:09 - United States - Palmdale

Today, I asked an elderly customer at my work if she needed help with her groceries. She responded, "I normally would, but I'm afraid you'll eat all the groceries." FML

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By moopymoplady - 29/11/2011 00:44 - Canada

Today, I saw Santa. He gave me the finger. FML

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By KKimrae_ness - 28/5/2009 07:14 - United States

Today, I found some oversized-strawberry-spree candies in my pantry. They were delicious and I munched on them through out the day. I ended up in and out, but mostly in, the bathroom in the dead hours of the night experiencing the wonders and effectiveness of Fruit Flavored Fiber pills. FML

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By PrayingForMoney - 25/3/2013 08:48 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was at my job, waiting tables. A fellow server and myself were given a party of 14 Bible thumpers. They left us $9.00 and a mini Bible after awesome service, telling us we did a great job. Unfortunately, Religion doesn't pay my car payment. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2012 15:34 - United States - Bellaire

Today, my boyfriend accidentally broke my nose the day he was meeting my parents for the first time. FML

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By ygma - 1/12/2015 16:39 - United States - Mansfield

Today, my extremely religious grandmother disowned me for watching Supernatural. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2013 04:51 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I failed hard at a color test. I thought it was a joke because most of the colors looked the same to me. Now I know why people laugh at my clothes color choices. FML

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By tahneee - 31/5/2019 20:00

Today, I went to a function with my dad for a football team. Handing my dad the camera, I finally worked up the courage to ask for a photo with my favourite player. The guy was looking at my boobs in all three photo attempts. FML

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By killingmyselfimmediately - 7/1/2019 20:00

Today, I had the flu and couldn't go to school. My dad called in and told them that I couldn't be there because I have an itchy anus. Not only that, but my birthday's tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I had a playing test in orchestra, which I've pracriced over 30 hours for. After I played my part, which I thought I did very well, my teacher asked how much I had practice. Trying to show off, I said "Oh, just 30 minutes." My teacher said "It shows, that was terrible." She was serious. FML

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By Noname - 28/1/2009 12:13 - United States

Today, I woke up at 5:15, snow blowed and salted the driveway for over an hour, left early and drove an hour on shitty roads just to get to work on time only to be laid off. FML

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By damnit - 11/9/2010 20:46 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had a surprise for me and to meet up with him to find out. The big surprise was a consultation with a plastic surgeon for rhinoplasty surgery. I never disliked my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2016 15:54 - United States - Niles

Today, somebody kicked the crap out of my car and spray painted "CHEATER" on the sides. I've never even had a girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2013 21:02 - Bulgaria - Batanovci

Today, I was riding my bike home from the store. Wanting to impress some passers-by, I tried to do a trick on a sharp turn. I hit a pole with my balls. As I was lying on the ground in agony, a guy pulled over, took a picture, and took off laughing. FML

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By Noname - 19/1/2009 09:21 - United States

Today, I figured I'd throw my ex-boyfriend a compliment and told him how "gifted" he was below the belt. He thinks he's paying me a compliment when he tells me how much he loves that little roll of skin that pops up over the top of my pants when I sit down. I'm trying to lose weight, asshole. FML

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By teejayrn - 15/12/2012 11:48 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, my son sprayed the bottom of my car and windows white with fake snow in Christmas cheer. He did a great job, except he used white spray paint instead of the fake snow. FML

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By loveless - 18/2/2010 05:07 - United States

Today, my grandma called me to tell me that a couple of cute boys stopped by her house to borrow something. She told them all about me, and that I would be interested in them. My love life is so pathetic, even my grandmother is trying to hook me up. FML

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By Aciliveth - 10/6/2010 16:07 - Canada

Today, I had to get an ultrasound, which required me to drink 3 glasses of water beforehand. The doctor said I had too much and told me to go pee out just a little and come back. It took a lot of effort to hold the rest in. The first thing she did when I got back was press on my abdomen. I peed myself. FML

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By ring-a-ding-ding - 6/12/2014 05:18 - United States - Sparks

Today, at work, due to a mix up, I had to call an answering service. I am also from an answering service. We got the problem fixed but I couldn't hang up due to company policy. She couldn't hang up either. We both had to get our supervisors for permission to hang up. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2013 16:08 - United States - Ballwin

Today, my wife ate nothing all day due to her morning sickness, but I tried to get her to eat something light, for our baby's sake. I brought her a banana. She yelled at me for being a "pervert" and accused me of just wanting to watch her stick a phallic object in her mouth. FML

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By S.Bunny - 22/1/2010 08:14 - United States

Today, I found out that when you hit the neighbor's dog with your car, they might chase you a mile with a shotgun. FML

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By NowBubbleWrapSucks - 27/5/2018 20:30

Today, my mom went into a full war against dirt and plastic-wrapped our entire house. The floor, furniture, even our feet now have to be covered in plastic. Everything squeaks. FML

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By barri - 16/12/2009 07:28 - Costa Rica

Today, both of my grandparents died in a car accident. My Mom and Dad thought it would make me feel better to know they were not my real grandparents, because I'm adopted. FML

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By Shopgirl - 6/8/2009 13:14 - Australia

Today, I found a wallet on the train. I called the owner, who said he would come around and pick it up. When he finally did, he looked inside and screamed that his money was missing, and that I was a dirty thief. I never took a cent. He's filing theft charges against me. FML

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By Miramichi - 30/5/2011 12:18 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he pees on the toilet seat just to piss me off. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2011 02:49 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years confessed that at first, she'd only dated me to get her friend jealous, and that even now, she "only kind of liked" me. I bought a ring only a few days ago, and was planning on proposing to her. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 02:37 - United States

Today, I was applying for a job at a corporate office. Everything went fine until I hurled all over the manager, who until then seemed to like me. Never eat expired canned tuna on the same day as an interview. FML

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By 16seconds - 8/2/2010 01:56 - United States

Today, I had to buy a wrist splint for my carpal tunnel syndrome. Not because I'm a computer programmer or some hot shot web designer but because I spend ALL of my time playing Solitaire on my laptop. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2019 06:12

Today, during a driving lesson, I accidentally rear-ended a BMW at a traffic light. The number plate was "Law Man." FML

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By kbrider - 2/7/2009 20:37 - United States

Today, my husband's rich aunt and uncle came in town and handed us an envelope and said we hope this helps out with the student loans. Inside the envelope was just an article on new student loan procedures and how to get lower payments. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2012 14:16 - Australia - Sandringham

Today, I realised that I only get dandruff when I'm stressed about having dandruff. Which is whenever I have dandruff. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2017 16:00 - United States - Lewistown

Today, I am sick of watching my friend's dog while she is on vacation. In four days, this dog has shredded my mattress, peed on my couches, chewed my kitchen chairs, and attacked my dog while she slept. My friend won't answer her phone, but she does update Facebook non-stop. Ten days to go. FML

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By craZycatLady - 20/4/2015 18:06 - United States - Mission

Today, while spring cleaning, my cat came into the kitchen with a live mouse in her mouth. She looked me dead in the eyes and dropped the mouse, which then ran into my bedroom. It's been 4 hours and I still can't find it. Where's the cat? Chilling like nothing happened. FML

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By Yulia - 9/3/2009 10:09 - United States

Today, my mom decided to give me a solid reason for not having pre-marital sex. She told me that my future husband will want me to be tight for our first time. My mom and I were on a ski lift. The ride lasted 10 more uncomfortable minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2020 23:04

Poker Face

Today, I have to get a thyroid ultrasound. I'm a 25 year-old cancer survivor; it took amputating my left leg to beat the last one. My doctor has dealt with my hypochondria for years, long enough to know his face when I should be worried. FML

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By the-yao - 24/1/2009 14:53 - United States

Today, someone told me they liked my personality when i'm drunk. I asked, "what about when I'm sober?". "No, only when you're drinking." FML

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Top comments

By AmeOwl | 0

#747508 - Thursday 31 December 2010 20:51

What on earth made him "creepy"? Try judging people less on their appearance.

By liveitupx | 0

#747236 - Thursday 31 December 2010 18:11

Who said that the OP was paranoid about getting raped?
Being paranoid doesn't mean that your conceited...its just that your afraid of things, like creepy men coming up to your car.

COMMENTS

By Professorx2z | 0

#747040 - Thursday 31 December 2010 15:48

Last =p

Reply

8trickster8 | 0

#747364 - Thursday 31 December 2010 19:19

LIAR

Reply

cucuto89 | 0

#748193 - Friday 1 January 2010 4:00

ydi for being a judgemental bitch.

Not every guy is trying to rape you, i bet nobody even wants to touch you you stupid whore

Reply

responses | 0

#882838 - Monday 22 February 2010 20:46

I'm pretty sure iv heard this before word for word but with wallet in place of phone

Reply

minnieminroe | 0

#990793 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 10:36

I actually LOL'd to this...L O L!!

Reply

Lingonberry668 | 0

#1788504 - Friday 3 December 2010 14:58

ur not mature enuf to hav a car

Reply

acke01 | 14

#6082507 - Monday 6 October 2014 8:43

#90, And you've probably not ever thought "Hey I'll go to my English lesson!"

By GR3453m0nk3y | 4

#747045 - Thursday 31 December 2010 15:51

last??

By louie111887 | 0

#747047 - Thursday 31 December 2010 15:51

you should not judge. ydi

By Starfire22 | 5

#747067 - Thursday 31 December 2010 16:02

Guess you overreacted...

By namhowell | 6

#747085 - Thursday 31 December 2010 16:17

Well better be paranoid than careless. But next time, try to be more calm and judge better? it's walmart, there are people there.

Reply

time4coffee | 3

#747198 - Thursday 31 December 2010 17:48

Sounds like she was both

Reply

GeorgeBoosh | 0

#747684 - Thursday 31 December 2010 22:38

And can we see her picture on peopleofwalmart? Time to check LOL

By ipwnallmen | 10

#747107 - Thursday 31 December 2010 16:33

ahhhhhha hahahahahahahahahahah OWNED

By youthink_fml | 0

#747126 - Thursday 31 December 2010 16:50

It's one thing to not roll your window down. It's something completely different to hit another car trying to get out. YDI.

By tdwprules623 | 0

#747139 - Thursday 31 December 2010 16:59

it's walmart, you should of expected at least one creepy old guy to come up to your car :)

By russianspy1234 | 11

#747148 - Thursday 31 December 2010 17:08

or you try to it back to er, see hr freak out and run away, and ten you are perfectly morally justified in keeping it.

By Tamara2011 | 0

#747153 - Thursday 31 December 2010 17:13

u agree with # 10 haha and come on your in the car so you could of just drove away if he was trying to rape exspecially since he's old and creepy