Transportation: Today, after I got in my car in the Walmart parking lot, a creepy... - FML

By ParanoidFreak - United States

Today, after I got in my car in the Walmart parking lot, a creepy man knocked on my window. Since I'm incredibly paranoid and scare easily, I put my car in gear and tore out of there, accidentally hitting another car. Apparently he was returning my phone that I dropped. FML

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Out of it

Get me away from here, I'm dying

Where are you?

By Anonymous

Today, I find myself in an unfortunate situation. I met my girlfriend's family and it turns out she's the baby of the family with 7 older brothers, a dad and a granddad, and 6 uncles. That’s 15 very large, very overprotective men I’m sure all want me dead. FML

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By highschoolgrad - United States

Today, my family and I were about to watch the video my dad took of me walking across the stage at my high school graduation. Turns out he recorded the wrong kid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking through my kitchen when I discovered a weak spot in the floor. Tomorrow, I'm going to have to fix the giant hole caused when I put my foot through it. FML

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By UGH! - Canada

Today, I slid into a seat in a very busy foodcourt that was jam packed full of seniors at the mall. It was the only seat available, so I was quick to jump into it. It was soaked with urine. FML

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By Fml24609 - United States

Today, I ended up sleeping on the dirty floor because my sister didn't want to share a king sized bed with me. She got up to get a drink and stepped on my face. FML

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By proudestmonkey - United States

Today, I had my car stolen. When the police found it, pretty much everything inside was missing. For some reason, I had left 6 pairs of shoes in my back seat. Whoever stole my car thought it would be funny to take one shoe from each pair. I now own 6 unmatched shoes and my car smells like sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bloomington

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because of the scratch marks on my back. I didn't have the nerve to tell her I tried to shower with the cat. FML

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By Shaving it off

Today, when I showed someone my 9-year old passport, she commented, “you look so different! Now you have that Jason Statham thing going on!” My hair goes down to my shoulders; this confirms my receding hairline is real and it’s time to come to grips. At least I’m over 30. FML

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By bestbfever

Today, my drunk boyfriend called me by my best friend's name in bed. FML

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By not_this_shit_again - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I had to show a new student around my school. Normally, that wouldn't be such a bad thing, but the student was my crazy, overly-attached ex. I transferred schools to get away from her in the first place. FML

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By stormblade27

Today, my friend told me to try dating apps, saying, “What's the worst that could happen?” I just finished paying some girl $100 to not send a dick pic to all my Facebook friends. FML

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By Miriden - United States

Today, I got a call from a creditor asking for a Sarah. I told them that I'm not Sarah, nor do I know one. They then asked if she was my wife. Annoyed, I said, "Alright, when did I get a wife? I don't even remember having a girlfriend." They sniggered and hung up. FML

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By Justmyluck - United States - Bloomsburg

Today, after a week of no side effects, my bronchitis medication decided to screw me over. I'm running on 3 hours of sleep and half of my face is sunburnt in randomized patches. Guess who has a huge presentation today. FML

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By SummerJob

Today, it's day two of my two-month summer job on a Mediterranean cruise ship. I'm incredibly seasick, and the ship is still docked. FML

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By f*ck - Australia - Reynella

Today, I saw my boss heading my way at work. He has a "no food in the office" policy, so I quickly scarfed down my pop-tart. I ended up choking on it so hard that I threw up. FML

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By JohhnyKeroscene - United States

Today, while helping my mom to cook, I was reminded that when the fire alarm goes off in our house, dinner is ready. FML

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By -_- - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandpa told me he was going to be eating out tonight, and I asked at which restaurant. He replied "Your gran's room." and winked. I didn't need that mental image, at all. FML

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By whoevenncares - United States

Today, I found my dog drinking out of the toilet. My daughter was next to him, also drinking from the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 08:03 - United Kingdom - Bristol

New skills

Today, I lost my virginity. Today, I also learned how to fake an orgasm. Twice. FML

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By kufan1324 - United States

Today, my boss became obsessed with a movie about a pimp. He now refers to all my female coworkers as his "bitches" and refuses to treat us like human beings. Whenever we make a mistake, he rolls his eyes and laughs, "So typical of a prostie." FML

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By Yeoman - New Zealand

Today, my mother looked me dead in the face and said, "I have failed as a parent." FML

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By Down - United States

Today, my ex told me he broke up with me because he loved me, and that he was afraid of the commitment. He's living with his new girlfriend now. FML

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By mike h - United States - Mcadoo

Today, I started my dream job of being a veterinarian. My first day consisted of having to put down 12 dogs and 5 cats. FML

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By chelserusera - United States

Today, my 3-year-old said, "Mommy, I can share my teddy grahams with you." I said, "Thanks, honey, you're so sweet." And I ate a few. When I popped the last one in my mouth, I said, "Oh no, all gone!" She said, "That's okay, I have more." Then pulled the next handful out of her underwear. FML

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By KayleeXLoVe21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The lights kept on going on and off. Why? The lights are activated by "clap on, clap off." It killed the mood. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a headache when I woke up for school. I had final exams that day, so I took what I thought were 2 advils. They were two sleeping pills. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to put his penis in a hole in our bedroom wall. FML

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By fuck off, dad - Colombia

Today, my dad had a chat with my fiancé, telling him he can do better than me, and to think carefully before going through with our wedding. FML

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By drunkluv - Australia

Today, my girlfriend openly admitted to me that she wouldn't have gone out with me if she hadn't been drunk. FML

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By duuuuude - United States

Today, I was home alone while my mom went out to dinner. I decided to hop in the shower, and I noticed my mom left her douche in there. After, I texted her telling her what I found and that it was gross. Her response? "It's not gross. It came from my vagina, like you and your sister." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Holyoke

Today, I was told that when I was in middle school and thought I was considered class clown for either making jokes or acting stupid, people thought I actually was stupid and/or mentally challenged. FML

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By Username

Today, I saw a firework show. In my kitchen. When my stove blew up. FML

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By wtf is a naruto?! - United States - Hesperia

Today, I was helping my cousin plan her backyard wedding. I requested September 19-21 off for visiting and festivities. My asshole of a boss is refusing, because of some proposed Area 51 invasion. I have no idea what he’s talking about, and I’m afraid I might miss the wedding. FML

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By IcyWinter - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I had to tell my daughter that just because markers say "washable", it doesn't mean that you can draw all over our newly-painted walls. She's 15. FML

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By Dv0829 - United States

Today, I went to the store with my girlfriend. She needed to use the bathroom so I started looking at the books. It wasn't until the manager shot me a weird look that I realized I'd wandered down too far and was looking at bridal magazines, holding tampons, dog treats, and hair spray. FML

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By lostintdot - Canada - Kitchener

Today, while wandering around the big city I just relocated to, I asked a seemingly pleasant-looking lady where the nearest library was. She told me to get lost, and started laughing. Then said she was just joking and gave me directions. I'm now standing in front of a gay strip joint. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I washed all the dishes and cups from the family dinner last night and put them away. When my wife saw, she had a mini OCD breakdown and yelled at me because the cups weren't lined up with each other with the handles aligned and the flower pictures facing out left. FML

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By Dimples - United States - Sanford

Today, I was at a café with my friends when an elderly man noticed my dimples. He came up to me, stroked them while whispering, "One in a million" then walked out. Now my friends do this to me constantly, even while driving home. I almost hit a tree. FML

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By ThanksMom - United States

Today, my parents were helping me construct my bed. We ended up not having enough screws to properly secure the frame. My dad mentioned that it might cause problems if I got a girl into my bed. My mom said, "Don't worry about it, we all know that's not going to happen." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Amboy

Today, it was my last day at school before I graduate next week. Ten minutes into lunch break, I was brutally nailed in the neck by a football. Now, not only do I look like I was given a hickey by the Jolly Green Giant himself, I have to wear a neck brace at my graduation ceremony. FML

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Top comments

By AmeOwl | 0

#747508 - Thursday 31 December 2009 20:51

What on earth made him "creepy"? Try judging people less on their appearance.

By liveitupx | 0

#747236 - Thursday 31 December 2009 18:11

Who said that the OP was paranoid about getting raped?
Being paranoid doesn't mean that your conceited...its just that your afraid of things, like creepy men coming up to your car.

COMMENTS

By Professorx2z | 0

#747040 - Thursday 31 December 2009 15:48

Last =p

Reply

8trickster8 | 0

#747364 - Thursday 31 December 2009 19:19

LIAR

Reply

cucuto89 | 0

#748193 - Friday 1 January 2010 4:00

ydi for being a judgemental bitch.

Not every guy is trying to rape you, i bet nobody even wants to touch you you stupid whore

Reply

responses | 0

#882838 - Monday 22 February 2010 20:46

I'm pretty sure iv heard this before word for word but with wallet in place of phone

Reply

minnieminroe | 0

#990793 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 10:36

I actually LOL'd to this...L O L!!

Reply

Lingonberry668 | 0

#1788504 - Friday 3 December 2010 14:58

ur not mature enuf to hav a car

Reply

acke01 | 14

#6082507 - Monday 6 October 2014 8:43

#90, And you've probably not ever thought "Hey I'll go to my English lesson!"

By GR3453m0nk3y | 4

#747045 - Thursday 31 December 2009 15:51

last??

By louie111887 | 0

#747047 - Thursday 31 December 2009 15:51

you should not judge. ydi

By Starfire22 | 5

#747067 - Thursday 31 December 2009 16:02

Guess you overreacted...

By namhowell | 6

#747085 - Thursday 31 December 2009 16:17

Well better be paranoid than careless. But next time, try to be more calm and judge better? it's walmart, there are people there.

Reply

time4coffee | 3

#747198 - Thursday 31 December 2009 17:48

Sounds like she was both

Reply

GeorgeBoosh | 0

#747684 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:38

And can we see her picture on peopleofwalmart? Time to check LOL

By ipwnallmen | 10

#747107 - Thursday 31 December 2009 16:33

ahhhhhha hahahahahahahahahahah OWNED

By youthink_fml | 0

#747126 - Thursday 31 December 2009 16:50

It's one thing to not roll your window down. It's something completely different to hit another car trying to get out. YDI.

By tdwprules623 | 0

#747139 - Thursday 31 December 2009 16:59

it's walmart, you should of expected at least one creepy old guy to come up to your car :)

By russianspy1234 | 11

#747148 - Thursday 31 December 2009 17:08

or you try to it back to er, see hr freak out and run away, and ten you are perfectly morally justified in keeping it.

By Tamara2011 | 0

#747153 - Thursday 31 December 2009 17:13

u agree with # 10 haha and come on your in the car so you could of just drove away if he was trying to rape exspecially since he's old and creepy