Transportation: Today, after I got in my car in the Walmart parking lot, a creepy... - FML

By ParanoidFreak - United States

Today, after I got in my car in the Walmart parking lot, a creepy man knocked on my window. Since I'm incredibly paranoid and scare easily, I put my car in gear and tore out of there, accidentally hitting another car. Apparently he was returning my phone that I dropped. FML

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Proactive

Family values

Race against the clock

By Anonymous - 23/8/2020 23:02

Wrong place, wrong time

Today, my boyfriend are I are staying at his parents' while they are away. While having sex in their bed, the whole bed went crashing to the floor. We have no idea what to do, and we leave tomorrow. FML

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By bird problems - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, since I've been paying attention to my newborn, my pet cockatoo learned to cry like the baby on the middle of the night. I haven't gotten more than four hours of sleep. FML

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By Anonymous

What is the real feeling?

Today, my friends and I were acting out porn scenes without sex. Then, I realized that we all watch too much porn, and we are still all virgins. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Danby

Today, at my school they were having a carnival to raise money. One of the patrons suggested that if they wanted to make money, they should have people pledge money to make me cover my ugly face with a bag. The school got over $500, and I had to wear a bag. FML

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By Invisible

Today, I realized how little my husband, son and I mean to my in-laws. We were somehow left off the distribution list for my sister-in-law's birthday party. I even texted her to wish her well. It wouldn't be so bad if this wasn't the fifth consecutive family event we were left out of. FML

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By fmbadluck - 29/10/2020 12:01 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Drive

Today, I set a new record: two fender benders in less than 10 minutes. FML

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By GROSS - Bangladesh

Today, I watched in horror from the doorway as my brother furiously scratched at his greasy hair and ate the large flakes of dead skin that came loose from his scalp. I think our real dad might be caged in a zoo somewhere. FML

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By livay315 - United States

Today, my daughter's school was putting on a fashion show for charity and all the kids were supposed to ask their mothers to be in it. I asked my daughter about it and she said "well I was going to ask you, but they said only to 'ask all of your BEAUTIFUL mommies." FML

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By Mina

Today, my son came home from school with a catastrophic report card. When I asked him for explanations, he replied, "I'm hesitating between family environment and heredity." FML

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By yankesik - Poland - Kalisz

Today, I sneezed hard while eating some quite spicy potato chips at my friend's house. Some of the chips passed to the nasal cavity, and I ended up having to pick my nose for some pointy, spicy chips shrapnel. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I signed up for an online dating service, a couple of days after my divorce. I got my first batch of matches, and number one was a smiling picture of the woman who had just divorced my ass after 20+ years together. Her profile shows she has to have been active there for months. FML

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By stillkindahorny - United States

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been seeing. It took him longer to put the condom on than it did to finish. FML

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By the unfortunate man - United States - Salisbury

Today, I was using the urinal when another guy came in. His friends decided to scare him while he was using the urinal next to mine. They jumped out at him, he turned around and ended up peeing all over me. FML

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By ugh - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, my mother went through my bag and found what she thought was rolling papers. I was yelled at and called a stupid pothead with no future. They were facial blotting papers. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mum excitedly discussed with me the prospect of starting a mother-son YouTube duo. Thinking she was joking, I went along with it. She is now installing a 24-hour webcam in the house to record our conversations, which she perceives as hilarious, and is going to upload them. FML

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By aprilfools22 - United States

Today, I got my tongue pierced, then went to a pet store. A clerk came up to ask if I needed help. I showed him I already had some fish, and said, "No thanks." He must have thought I was "special," as he bent down and in a baby voice, said "You got fishy? FISHY FISHY FISHY!" while poking the bag. FML

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By phuckbukket7 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a fancy restaurant for her birthday. I'd arranged beforehand for some of the staff to come out and sing happy birthday to her, but it all backfired when she started panicking and had a serious anxiety attack from all the attention. FML

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By Notre_Dame_714 - United States

Today, I went to the gun range for a birthday and got shot in the foot by my mom. FML

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By FuckingDone - United States - Enterprise

Today, my brother's refused to shower after 2 weeks of dripping sweat and never changing clothes. He claims the smell is just his "manly musk" and if I can't handle it, then maybe I'm the problem. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Veldhoven

Today, I think I've conditioned my body to not function without technology, as I simply couldn't take a shit until I got up, fetched my phone and returned to the toilet to read stuff on here. FML

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By Traveler

Today, I learned that your crotch can just light up on the body scanner in the airport for no apparent reason; and when that happens, a thorough pat down of that area will be performed by a confused security officer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to fresh coffee, pancakes, and the sight of my dad digging a grave in the backyard for my dog. FML

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By CheddarJack89 - United States - Manchester

Today, after doing inventory at my job, I was approached by a co-worker who I had always thought was cute. I tried talking to her, but it was hard as I kept trembling and stuttering from spending two hours in a meat locker. Now she assumes that I'm "special". FML

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By joolsie - United Kingdom

Today, after a particularly gruesome nightmare about spiders due to my irrational phobia, I decided to try and desensitise myself by googling 'house spiders'. I can't stop the feeling of something crawling over every inch of my body, but at least I now know they can live up to six years. FML

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By poorchild - United States

Today, I had to bail both my parents out of jail. They'd thought it would be fun to go streaking. FML

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By Just keep the pins - Sweden - Floda

Today, it's been 2 months since I broke up with my boyfriend. He's been texting me every time he found a bobby pin at his house that belonged to me, saying we should both see it as a sign of us belonging together. If he keeps this up every time he finds one, the texts will probably never stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2020 08:08

Fake mystery guy

Today, I dressed cute to surprise my boyfriend of 2 years. Instead of being happy or impressed about it, he accused me of cheating and dressing up to impress a new guy he'd made up in his head. FML

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By black_pheonix77 - 3/7/2020 02:02

Hi, how are you?

Today, even though I’m not allowed to be on my phone while on the line at work, I texted an unknown number. My manager looked at her Apple Watch. I'd texted my manager while on the job. FML

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By FMyEx - United States - Southington

Today, I was bartending. A guest was getting belligerent so I had to cut him off. He called me a bitch and threw the rest of his drink in my face before storming off. The belligerent asscandle was my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the woman who sits behind me in class showed up. She shrieks in laughter until she has coughing fits every time anything even remotely sexual is mentioned, including evidence in sexual assault cases. Lectures are 3 hours long, twice a week, and I need this class to graduate. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Stourport

Today, I won a meal for two in a raffle. I had no one to go with. FML

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By RightInTheFace - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I found out that my girlfriend sleepwalks. Well, I say sleepwalks, more like sleep punches. Very, very hard. FML

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By - United States - Zephyrhills

Today, my mom wanted me to pick up my cousin from work immediately. I'm in my shirt and underwear with no other clothes and I'm also too young to drive. She said "He won't mind, and just take my drivers license, they'll never know!" FML

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By L.Lime05 - United States

Today, I found a pile of animal skeletons scattered in my backyard. It appears that last night, mother nature decided to rain so hard, that the graves of my childhood pets floated back up to the top, and covered half of my field. I now have to pick all of it up before my dog sees them. FML

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By 8reth72 - United States

Today, I was helping a couple come up with a name for the baby they just had. I suggested "Joshua" thinking that it was an okay name. All sudden, the room got quiet. Turns out I had forgotten that Joshua was the name of their 3 year old son who had died a couple months before. FML

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By yay! - United States

Today, I found my son's iPod touch and was looking at a light-saber app. He walked into the living room to see me fighting the cat and making sound effects to myself. FML

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By lambeaster - United States - Washington

Today, I accidentally let out a silent but obscenely deadly fart in the doctor's waiting room. It was so foul that a woman got insanely pissed at her kid because she thought he'd shat his pants again. FML

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By adam - France

Today, my mom woke me up and asked if I wanted breakfast. I had passed out naked on the kitchen floor after a party. FML

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By agstone

Today, at 2:47 am, my mom woke me up in a panic screaming about smelling gas and the house blowing up. Twenty minutes, two fire trucks, and a traumatized dog later, it was just the neighbors burning their mail. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newtown Square

Today, after hearing the results of my spinal tap, following several scans, my doctor said discovering that I have Multiple Sclerosis was a "happy accident". FML

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Top comments

By AmeOwl | 0

#747508 - Thursday 31 December 2009 20:51

What on earth made him "creepy"? Try judging people less on their appearance.

By liveitupx | 0

#747236 - Thursday 31 December 2009 18:11

Who said that the OP was paranoid about getting raped?
Being paranoid doesn't mean that your conceited...its just that your afraid of things, like creepy men coming up to your car.

COMMENTS

By Professorx2z | 0

#747040 - Thursday 31 December 2009 15:48

Last =p

Reply

8trickster8 | 0

#747364 - Thursday 31 December 2009 19:19

LIAR

Reply

cucuto89 | 0

#748193 - Friday 1 January 2010 4:00

ydi for being a judgemental bitch.

Not every guy is trying to rape you, i bet nobody even wants to touch you you stupid whore

Reply

responses | 0

#882838 - Monday 22 February 2010 20:46

I'm pretty sure iv heard this before word for word but with wallet in place of phone

Reply

minnieminroe | 0

#990793 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 10:36

I actually LOL'd to this...L O L!!

Reply

Lingonberry668 | 0

#1788504 - Friday 3 December 2010 14:58

ur not mature enuf to hav a car

Reply

acke01 | 14

#6082507 - Monday 6 October 2014 8:43

#90, And you've probably not ever thought "Hey I'll go to my English lesson!"

By GR3453m0nk3y | 4

#747045 - Thursday 31 December 2009 15:51

last??

By louie111887 | 0

#747047 - Thursday 31 December 2009 15:51

you should not judge. ydi

By Starfire22 | 5

#747067 - Thursday 31 December 2009 16:02

Guess you overreacted...

By namhowell | 6

#747085 - Thursday 31 December 2009 16:17

Well better be paranoid than careless. But next time, try to be more calm and judge better? it's walmart, there are people there.

Reply

time4coffee | 3

#747198 - Thursday 31 December 2009 17:48

Sounds like she was both

Reply

GeorgeBoosh | 0

#747684 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:38

And can we see her picture on peopleofwalmart? Time to check LOL

By ipwnallmen | 10

#747107 - Thursday 31 December 2009 16:33

ahhhhhha hahahahahahahahahahah OWNED

By youthink_fml | 0

#747126 - Thursday 31 December 2009 16:50

It's one thing to not roll your window down. It's something completely different to hit another car trying to get out. YDI.

By tdwprules623 | 0

#747139 - Thursday 31 December 2009 16:59

it's walmart, you should of expected at least one creepy old guy to come up to your car :)

By russianspy1234 | 11

#747148 - Thursday 31 December 2009 17:08

or you try to it back to er, see hr freak out and run away, and ten you are perfectly morally justified in keeping it.

By Tamara2011 | 0

#747153 - Thursday 31 December 2009 17:13

u agree with # 10 haha and come on your in the car so you could of just drove away if he was trying to rape exspecially since he's old and creepy