Today, after coming home from an AFL match in Melbourne at about...

By anon - 11/7/2015 12:51 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after coming home from an AFL match in Melbourne at about 11pm, I saw a woman asleep on the train as we neared the end of the line. Being a nice person, I went to wake her, to which she started screaming and trying to punch me. FML

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Transportation

Work name

DINOSAURS!!

Who's a good boy?

By Anonymous - 15/8/2012 11:40 - United Kingdom - Chatham

Today, my girlfriend admitted she had a nightmare about having sex with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2012 22:08 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I foolishly told my husband that I know he's been holding back sexually, and that I was willing to indulge any sexual fantasies he may have. Now it seems that tonight, I'll be responding to the name "Fluttershy". FML

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By mama’s boy - 31/10/2019 00:01

Chuck E. Cheese awaits

Today, I realized just how spoiled and immature my boyfriend is when I asked him several times what he’d like for dinner. Getting no answer, I made steak, potatoes and salad. He then sulked and refused to eat it, since he wanted spaghetti and meatballs instead. FML

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By moosemay - 14/1/2016 15:05 - Germany - Dittelbrunn

Today, my husband taught our son how to pee while standing. His aim is as poor as my husband's, but I guess now they can blame their mess on each other. FML

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By charlieg9 - 30/8/2013 12:33 - United States - East Meadow

Today, I found out that I'm the creepy uncle of the family. FML

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By baddaughter - 16/11/2009 17:11 - Canada

Today, I called my mother who is vacationing in Florida with my dad and sister. Before they left I told them I would be very responsible and that they could trust me. The first thing she asked me is if all the animals were still alive. I said yes. I lied. Her favourite cat drowned in the pool. FML

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By lobotomy pls - 11/9/2015 18:40 - United States - Tappahannock

Today, I walked in on my mom, legs spread and changing her tampon, all while she was carrying on a conversation on the phone. FML

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By WELLFUCKYOUTOO - 14/8/2012 15:02 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my cheating, psycho asscricket of an ex texted me and asked me back out. I said no, and didn't think any more of it, at least until an hour later, when I looked out my window, only to see him smearing a bag of dog crap all over my porch. FML

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By twobyfour - 15/10/2019 12:00

Shelved plans

Today, after spending two hard months losing 20 pounds of my 80 pound goal, I was actually excited to exercise. After I was done exercising, I fell down the stairs and broke my ankle. FML

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By Karen - 5/3/2012 02:00 - United States

Today, in the middle of sex my boyfriend asked if he could use the bathroom. It would've been fine, if he didn't fall asleep on the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2017 00:00

Today, I learned that the college I'm going to in the fall has been tampering with their ratings on the internet and actually only has a 5% graduation rate. Everything's already been paid for and I can't transfer elsewhere. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2019 02:00

Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend how sleeping with another person is cheating. It's been three days, and almost as many fights. He still doesn't get it. FML

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By unlucky - 16/12/2010 04:08 - United States

Today, I went with my sister to her company Christmas party. They had a gift raffle, my number was called and I won $25 for a local restaurant. A few moments later, the manager came over and said, "You don't work here? You can't have that" and took it from me. FML

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By Sonotsuave - 4/3/2019 08:00 - United States - Arlington

Today, my now ex-friend told me she had feelings for my ex and was also choosing him over our friendship, despite being fully aware of the crazy rollercoaster our relationship was and being there to hear every detail of the trauma. She classily told me at random, in a public mall. People suck. FML

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By Apcn - 5/6/2014 20:05 - France - Concarneau

Today, my boyfriend bought yet another video game and played it all afternoon. Unlike me, our parrot is taking this situation rather well: for the past two hours he's been repeating, over and over, "EA Sports, it's in the game." FML

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By TheVagabond_SRG - 2/8/2016 06:46 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I started my first day at a job. First thing my manager does is ask me if I knew the fastest way to kill someone there, then told me with a straight face all of what would occur when dumping a person's head into the deep fryer. Then the psycho assigned me to the fry station. FML

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By DwarvenWalrus - 16/8/2017 01:30

Today, I was at the water park in Disney World when I felt something run down my leg. I thought that I just hadn't dried off all the way, but when I looked down, there was diarrhea running out of my shorts. FML

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By ccblock - 17/9/2010 01:30 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's dad offered me $100 to break up with his daughter. I eagerly replied "no", but my girlfriend grabbed the money and said, "deal." FML

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By Jonathan - 13/10/2008 08:27

Today, I woke up next to a beautiful, half-naked brunette in my bed. Two minutes later, my alarm clock woke me up for real. FML

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By Jeri - 12/2/2010 08:41 - United States

Today, the day of my 29th birthday and two weeks after our 10th wedding anniversary, the only thing my husband got me for my birthday was divorce papers. Happy birthday, bitch. FML

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By blood buddies - 3/7/2014 17:53 - United States - Milford

Today, I was showing the guy I like something on my phone. My period tracking app decided it was the perfect time to tell me that I need to stock up on tampons, because I'm getting my period tomorrow. FML

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By Perry85 - 4/3/2020 03:02

Cloud Cuckooland

Today, my girlfriend's husband heard us having sex, but he's so naive, he believed her when she said we were just watching porn. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2009 05:42 - France

Today, I discovered that Paolo has a big penis, that he's good in bed and that the hotel sheets still remember it all. Mum, the walls won't get any thicker just 'cause you're on the telephone. FML

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By D: - 19/2/2015 20:45 - United States - Denver

Today, I was on my way to work when my ex-wife drove past me in the car she got from me. She fucked me over so hard in the divorce that I have to ride my bike to work while wearing a full suit. FML

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By Fluffy - 13/12/2017 19:00

Thanks, honey.

Today, I noticed that I've been gaining some weight. Don't worry, my boyfriend doesn't mind. His new favorite thing is putting my boobs on his head and saying he feels "safe". FML

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By Cheated - 3/8/2010 04:07 - Canada

Today, my wife of 2 years told me she was pregnant, after we've been trying for ages. Excited, about to call my parents, my wife then told me, "Don't get your hopes up it might not be yours, the father could be 5 other guys." And then asked me what I'd like for dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2010 08:35 - United States

Today, I tried to fix my laptop charger by fiddling around with it using metal tweezers. Not only did I forget to unplug the cord and shocked myself, I also ended up breaking the charger completely. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2012 17:43 - India

Today, I received a letter from the state saying my 14-year-old daughter is now legally recognized as a male. I have no idea what happened. FML

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By dontevenassk - 12/6/2009 04:44 - Canada

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to scare me by tilting the portable street toilets while I was taking a dump in one of them. One of my friends accidentally rocked it too hard and it fell on the floor. They wouldn't even let me sit in the car after because I had shit all over me. FML

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By mypoolisstilldirty - 16/2/2012 16:26 - Australia

Today, I found out that the pool boy has been stealing from me for over a year now. The latest things that he has taken are my laptop, the cash I hide in my closet and my wife. FML

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By ledentist - 12/9/2012 02:24 - United States - Center Barnstead

Today, my dentist dropped my bite plate for x-rays on the ground, picked it up, looked at it intently, took a couple of hairs off, and shoved it back into my mouth. FML

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By epistaxis - 29/1/2009 02:31 - Australia

Today, my nephew asked me how babies are made. I thought he'd had this chat with his mom, but I went in to it again. After a 20 minute 'discussion', he says "So what about the good stuff - get to the blowjobs and the lesbians." He's 11. FML

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By TT - 19/4/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, I went to get some teeth pulled. I had Novocaine in my gums and lip so I couldn't feel a thing. When the doctor is pulling out the last tooth, he sneezes and pulls the tooth out. He looks in my mouth and I hear, "Oh, shit..." I now have stitches in my mouth. FML

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By Kin - 25/10/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, a girl I've liked for several years gave me her number. Finally, I worked up the courage to call her. It was a suicide help line. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2016 13:45 - Maldives

Today, while using the bathroom I gave the toilet a courtesy flush, only for it to overflow and soak my pants. That would've been bad enough even if I hadn't been at work, with five hours left on my shift and no change of clothes. FML

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By Akestarr - 2/12/2013 13:28 - United States - Georgetown

Today, I found out that my dad paid for my sister's friend's airplane ticket so she could attend my sister's wedding. I would have been there myself, but I couldn't afford the airplane ticket. FML

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By lizi - 21/8/2017 03:30 - United Kingdom - Saint Andrews

Today, I accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to take my bra off. FML

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By Nikki - 30/5/2010 16:29 - Canada

Today, as a bridal shower gift, I got a "coupon" for 25% off divorce attorney fees. It was a collective gift. FML

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By sadinthesack - 31/8/2009 18:56 - United States

Today, I was making love to my girlfriend and was pretty impressed with myself for lasting through multiple songs. Then I realized her ipod was playing a medley. I only lasted 3 1/2 minutes. FML

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By Single - 7/8/2010 11:01 - France

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted to make the most of his 1 month X-Box Live coupon. FML

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Top comments

By Yazoo77 | 16

#6348621 - Sunday 12 July 2015 16:11

Although she shouldn't have done that, you never know what might have happened to her in the past to make her have a reaction like that.

By imyy | 20

#6348636 - Sunday 12 July 2015 16:15

You probably just scared her. Don't worry OP, you did the right thing, sometimes people react in a negative way due to no fault of your own.

Comments

By Yazoo77 | 16

#6348621 - Sunday 12 July 2015 16:11

Although she shouldn't have done that, you never know what might have happened to her in the past to make her have a reaction like that.

By hey_its_me_ | 20

#6348625 - Sunday 12 July 2015 16:13

No good deed goes unpunished. Sorry OP. :/

By DemHaxBro | 20

#6348628 - Sunday 12 July 2015 16:13

That sucks op, dont let people like her hinder your nice spirit

slyde32 | 12

#6348652 - Sunday 12 July 2015 16:23

she was asleep, she could be the nicest person you've ever met. being woken up like that can make survival instincts kick in involuntarily.

russfml | 31

#6348712 - Sunday 12 July 2015 17:39

Especially when you are more vulnerable sub consciously knowing you are in a public area

By imyy | 20

#6348636 - Sunday 12 July 2015 16:15

You probably just scared her. Don't worry OP, you did the right thing, sometimes people react in a negative way due to no fault of your own.

By devildog562 | 33

#6348637 - Sunday 12 July 2015 16:15

I wasn't expecting this kind of punchline.

By Attacksloth | 33

#6348640 - Sunday 12 July 2015 16:17

FML, but also, not your responsibility. You should verbally let people know that the end of the line is approaching, and if there's no response, don't take it upon yourself to touch them. If they don't wake up, then at least you tried.

OysterPearls | 33

#6348763 - Sunday 12 July 2015 18:46

Nowhere in this FML does it say that OP touched her. He might have, but it's not explicitly stated.

Attacksloth | 33

#6348827 - Sunday 12 July 2015 19:49

True, I kind of jumped the gun on my judgement... but it doesn't make sense to me that someone would be that much of a spazz to beat the guy senseless for a verbal warning. :P

tdawg91 | 17

#6348945 - Sunday 12 July 2015 21:55

She was woken up by a stranger, she was probably frightened.... It kind of does make sense even though OP was doing a nice thing

By simmybaby_ | 13

#6348644 - Sunday 12 July 2015 16:19

Stranger danger.

By worldclassrager | 39

#6348657 - Sunday 12 July 2015 16:27

At least she was dead like another FML...you were better of leaving her alone...but still you did do the right thing

By hkhan24 | 23

#6348658 - Sunday 12 July 2015 16:32

She was at her most vulnerable, any attempt to communicate with her with likely set her off on high alert. In hindsight should have just left her to it

By wheresthesafety | 31

#6348663 - Sunday 12 July 2015 16:37

What train line are you on? (Coming from a fellow Melbournian)
Just want to know as some lines are more dodgy than others

Utetopia2014 | 18

#6348753 - Sunday 12 July 2015 18:21

All of them are dodgy! Haha. I'm 38, shaved head, tattooed, and live out on the Pakenham line, and hate travelling if I'm coming back from the city.

tdawg91 | 17

#6348946 - Sunday 12 July 2015 21:57

Yeah I'm from Brisbane and used to work at big events so I travelled on all lines, you get your bad eggs on any train

RayneSmytson | 24

#6349018 - Monday 13 July 2015 0:23

Some lines are definitely dodgier than others, but also the closer to the end of the line you get, the dodgier the areas tend to be.

JD26803 | 11

#6350033 - Tuesday 14 July 2015 1:56

Ahahaha, probably the frankston line. Sounds like the tupe of person i come across when i catch the train! ??