Animals: Today, after cleaning my house, I decided to treat myself with... - FML

By Sally

Today, after cleaning my house, I decided to treat myself with a glass of wine. I poured the wine, set it down, and came back just in time to see my cat push it off the table. I then yelled at her, which scared her so much she pissed on the carpet. FML

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My body, my choice

They're everywhere

Roommate from hell

By Christen - United States

Today, I walked out of the bathroom when two guys were checking me out and said "nice tail" I smiled and strutted to my next class. When I was about to sit down in my desk, the girl behind me said "did you know you have toilet paper hanging out of your pants?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss came back from a 2 week vacation. I was the only one covering for him, and I did an excellent job. It was my chance to get a promotion. I actually improved his sales while he was gone. But the only thing he noticed was that I killed his plant. FML

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By altocrm - France

Today, my girlfriend came over to me, like she was going to kiss me, and instead rubbed her chin all over my face, exclaiming, "Can you feel my beard coming in?" Yes, yes I could. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I checked my sister's diary, because I was worried about her recent angry and withdrawn behavior. She caught me in the act, and my mom, whom I've caught blatantly snooping through my stuff multiple times now, grounded me for my "disgusting" violation of my sister's privacy. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2020 02:02

Interesting hypothesis

Today, I found out that my dad has drunkenly told my sister more than once that he doesn’t love either of us, and even then he prefers her over me. All these years I thought I was crazy for thinking I had any kind of daddy issues, but I guess that must be why I’m a phenomenal fuck. FML

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By

I miss him

Today, after a 6 month dry spell, my husband was yet again “too tired” to have sex. I guess I finally found something I miss about my ex. FML

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By

Today I saw a picture of my ex giving her new boyfriend an extremely familiar ring. Upon zooming in, I realized that it was the engagement ring i gave her that she claimed to have had stolen from her home... FML

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By cande - United States

Today, my apartment complex added $250 to the $1,000 my roomate and I already owe because of an unauthorized pet and complaints from neighbors that our dog barks all night long. We don't have a dog, we don't even have a pet. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up at 2:30 AM. Thinking I was going to be late for my 3:30 AM flight, I rushed into the bathroom to shower. As I came out of the shower, I slipped and broke my arm. I then realized my flight is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2021 02:01

Revelations

Today, I got a message from a woman. It was my boyfriend of five years' ex-girlfriend, telling me that she’s pregnant with his baby and that they’ve been together for a year. FML

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By H…… - 20/11/2020 20:08

Are you sure you're OK?

Today, my roommate and I were talking about how much better my dog has gotten at not peeing in the house, and how I was doing better at not losing my temper when he did. A few hours after this conversation, the dog pissed all over the floor and I screamed so loudly that now my throat hurts. FML

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By Miserable - United States

Today, I did laundry in my apartment complex's laundry room. I put my stuff in the dryer and returned to my room. The sign on the door says the laundry room closes at 10 pm, but that's rarely true. Tonight it was. I have to wait until 8 am. I work at 7:30. My work clothes are in there. FML

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By still sore

Relax!

Today, after months of asking my massage therapist boyfriend to work on me, and him always saying he’s too tired to do so, I called my local spa to make an appointment. He then screamed at me for wasting money and for going to the competition when he could just do the job himself. I'm confused too. FML

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By MLS - United States

Today, I wore the belt that my stepfather has spent 2 months needle pointing, as a finishing touch he added my initials: 'fml'. FML

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By regretter

Today, I paid €100 to have a tube shoved down my genitals. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I'm on new medication that has a side effect of keeping me awake all night. Now I get to listen to my parents having sex at 2am when they think I'm fast asleep. FYI, my dad likes being spanked and being told that he's a really bad boy who needs punishment. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Gatineau

Today, I blacked out while hugging my dad. I woke up a minute later on the floor with my dad telling me to, "quit being lazy and get up." FML

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By kolgate - United States

The gays

Today, I called my grandmother to wish her a happy Valentine's Day. She asked me if I had a date lined up. I didn't, and before I could explain why, she responded with, "Well, maybe all the other gays went on vacation!" Thanks Grandma, I'm not gay. FML

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By tripleBBB

Today, I was in the shower when I realised that maybe I'm getting a little too fat. I was scrubbing the old belly when a dollar flew out onto the floor. I'm 23. FML

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By Again - United States - Pell City

Today, I received my replacement debit card in the mail after losing my previous one. I've already lost my new one. FML

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By blue.

Today, I'm the coach of a football team. To celebrate winning a game, they poured a cooler of blue Gatorade over my head. This would've been great, if not for the fact that I'm highly allergic to blue food dye. FML

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By gettinganF - United States - Severn

Today, while in class, my friend would not stop annoying me by tapping me on the shoulder every so often. After the fifth time, I lost my patience, told him to F off, and slapped his hand. Only it wasn't my friend tapping my shoulder this time, it was my teacher. FML

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By MynameisntToby - United States

Today, it was raining downtown. I saw an elderly woman crossing the street so I lend her my umbrella and help her across. When we get to the other side, she says "Thank you Toby," and then refuses to give back "her" umbrella to me, loudly enough for a nearby cop to hear. FML

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By Jbs4lf - Belgium

Today, I got punched in the face by a drunk because I couldn't give him any cigarettes. I don't smoke. FML

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By fuzzy - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend is coming over. We haven't seen each other for a while so for a surprise, a few days ago, I decided to shave my pubic hair. I've come up in a huge rash that looks like some sort of infection. Not quite the sexy surprise I was hoping for. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - La Marque

Today, my boyfriend called me anti-social. To prove him wrong I texted one of my friends. She texted back, "Who's this??" FML

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By Baikal - Singapore

Today, my cousin thought it would be funny to make copies of my house keys and give it to random people on the street. I live alone and work a 12 hour shift daily. FML

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By kiwibox - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, my dog had an upset stomach and diarrhea. To avoid a mess on the carpet, I confined her to a gated area in the kitchen with sheets over the floor, so any mess could be cleaned up easily. Instead of going on the sheets, she sprayed shit all up the walls. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me via Twitter. FML

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By Mary - United States

Today, my husband decided he needs to be thanked after every time he changes our daughter's diaper; if not he throws a temper tantrum. Now I have two babies to deal with. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to explain to my little sister that not all guitars are supposed to have a hole in them, that when I was talking about "breaking it in" I didn't mean I'd smash a hole in it, and that she shouldn't have taken a hammer to my expensive new guitar. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Memphis

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she's been cheating on me for the past two months. Apparently she thought I'd take it well, because when I yelled at her for being a heartless bitch, she stuttered "S-sike!" and tried to play it off as a prank. She's acting like we're still dating. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann

Today, at work, I fainted and hit my head. When I told my boyfriend, he said, “Why does it matter?” FML

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By Trey - United States

Today, I brought my girlfriend over to her first dinner with my family. My gramps spent the entire dinner telling my girlfriend how the Illuminati are plotting to take over the world and use microchips to control everyone. So much for being taken seriously now. FML

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By juice723 - United States - Marblehead

Today, my friends started calling me "Soberman" because I recently gave up alcohol and have a Doberman. Normally, I wouldn't mind the nickname, but they call me Soberman everywhere. My new boss now thinks it's because I AM an alcoholic. FML

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By Oops

Today, I turned on my ceiling fan for the first time in months. I then watched as hundreds of furry spiders were flung across the room at high speed, in a circular pattern. FML

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By nickthetank - Canada

Today, I got circumcised by my girlfriend's braces. FML

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By joe - United States

Today, I was in the checkout line at Foodmax around 11:30pm. Three girls behind me were buying Tequila, salt and some limes. I was buying frozen pizza and some toilet paper. They were going to an awesome party. I was going home to eat pizza by myself. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, as I was walking into CVS, two older men outside said to me "Young lady, please consider us on your way out." Thinking they were hitting on me, I rolled my eyes and said "Screw you." When I walked back outside, I realized they were asking for AIDS donations. FML

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By Jessica - United States

Today, I got a job babysitting two really sweet kids. When their parents left, they told me that their cat had died. I told them how sorry I was, to which one of them replied, "That's okay. We still have him in a box. Wanna see?" FML

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Top comments

By CharlesEmersonW | 31

#7682162 - Friday 24 August 2018 22:50

in your cat's defence, it must have been shocked to have her pet human scream at her :))

By greenhound190 | 17

#7682206 - Saturday 25 August 2018 0:28

Cats are aweful

COMMENTS

By weaboo | 12

#7682158 - Friday 24 August 2018 22:33

YDI for yelling at a cat

By CharlesEmersonW | 31

#7682162 - Friday 24 August 2018 22:50

in your cat's defence, it must have been shocked to have her pet human scream at her :))

By Akitakat | 31

#7682169 - Friday 24 August 2018 23:01

When you gotta go, you gotta go!

By ViviMage | 38

#7682178 - Friday 24 August 2018 23:15

Time to oxyclean the carpet, the tablecloth, and your cat! I hope you like white cats!

By RichardPencil | 29

#7682188 - Friday 24 August 2018 23:55

Break time is over. Back to work!!!

By greenhound190 | 17

#7682206 - Saturday 25 August 2018 0:28

Cats are aweful

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7682207 - Saturday 25 August 2018 0:31

Must have been red wine. It doesn't pair well with fish.

By hfnsjsnsjzns | 18

#7682256 - Saturday 25 August 2018 6:26

Ive been holding my laugh while watching your FML..

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7682276 - Saturday 25 August 2018 8:24

On the bright side the carpet was a mess already with spilt wine.

By donb23 | 23

#7682328 - Saturday 25 August 2018 9:22

“Funny story about those two stains on the carpet....”