Intimacy: Today, after being kept awake all night by my house-mate and... - FML

By Username - 07/08/2011 08:08 - Reserved

Spicy

Today, after being kept awake all night by my house-mate and his girlfriend, they woke me at the crack of dawn to apologize for being so loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 230

You deserved it 2 587

Triage

Stop talking!

Own it

By illjustlimpthen - 25/10/2012 02:44 - United States - Waukesha

Today, despite my pain, my mom still refuses to take me to a foot doctor because, "They all have foot fetishes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 434

You deserved it 1 653

By Noname - 10/03/2009 15:01 - United States

Today, a man in my town was arrested for hiding methanphetamine in a hollowed out walking cane and distributing it to the population of his retirement complex. That man was my 58 year old father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 188

You deserved it 3 418

By Anonymous - 27/02/2012 12:36 - Australia

Today, I was very cold and tired, so I took a shower to warm up and went to bed. The minute I hopped into bed, it collapsed and broke. I have spent half-an-hour rearranging furniture to get the mattress on to the floor. Now I'm cold again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 210

You deserved it 3 260

By Anonymous - 28/12/2016 05:58

Today, while out with my family, I happened to run into "the one who got away." She smilingly introduced herself to my wife, who definitely noticed that she and our daughter share the same name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 570

You deserved it 7 880

By fatnick - 07/10/2009 17:06 - United States

Spicy

Today, my wife told me that the only reason she gets it on with me is for the extra calorie burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 951

You deserved it 3 289

By Anonymous - 02/12/2010 00:36 - United States

Today, my fencing team took pictures for the yearbook. We were having individual pictures with our weapons, and it was my turn. When the photographer told me to pose, I tried to be super cool by quickly putting my sabre against my chest like some sort of soldier. I poked myself in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 524

You deserved it 35 803

By CheeseyPotatoes - 11/04/2011 13:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, I wore a fake wedding ring on my left hand when buying a pregnancy test so the cashier at Walmart wouldn't think I'm a slut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 667

You deserved it 73 389

Thanks, I guess

By whut - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, for my Christmas bonus at work, I got a potted plant and some lotion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 645

You deserved it 3 115

By Noname - 22/01/2009 08:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, my parents woke me up in the middle of the night when they got in a huge argument and started yelling at each other. I was up all night. They decided to make it up to each other. They kept me up all night again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 908

You deserved it 2 517

Gross

By Anonymous - 26/06/2021 15:59 - United States - Cumberland

Spicy

Today, I confronted my mother because I lock my bedroom door everytime I leave the house, then when I came home, the door was open and ajar. She got really defensive and said it's because she and her boyfriend want to make passionate whoopie on my king-size bed because it's bigger than her full-size. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 387

You deserved it 106

Unrequited

By GianniJonas - 18/06/2021 10:56

Today, after spending $300 on a plane ticket, roses, chocolate-coated strawberries to surprise the girl I’m in love with, she still won’t see me as more than a friend, due to her trust issues from her past relationships. She thinks I’ll hurt her like they did and "ruin the friendship." FML

I agree, your life sucks 396

You deserved it 944

By ShitStirringSon - 15/08/2013 02:02 - United States - San Diego

Today, I was told that my son has Twitter and Facebook accounts that he uses to try to bully people online, some of which are celebrities. He does it really badly, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 021

You deserved it 7 240

By Anonymous - 22/03/2012 20:17 - United States - Fresno

Today, I twisted my ankle during a round of golf, after trying to do a fancy jumping high five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 227

You deserved it 26 073

By shortyybrooke - 24/08/2017 04:30

Today, my wife sat beside me on the ledge of the bathtub because she wanted to make out. I was on the toilet. Shitting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 181

You deserved it 394

By lonelyman - 20/11/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I used text-to-speech just so that I can hear "I love you" for once. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 152

You deserved it 7 557

By water fail - 28/01/2016 11:42 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, it was an extremely hot day so I hit up the beach for a swim. Just as I entered the water, the first wave approached me. I tried to jump it and lost my footing, managing to dislocate my hip. I had to be dragged from the water by the lifeguards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 351

You deserved it 2 295

By yvon la moto - 06/11/2015 10:26 - Spain - Madrid

Today, I set my car's speed to 125km/h to pass the speed camera announced by a road sign. Sure of myself, for a laugh I flipped the bird as I went by. When the flash went off, I realised that the speed limit was 110 km/h, not the usual 130 km/h. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 973

You deserved it 32 064

By Anonymous - 21/02/2010 19:12 - United States

Today, it was my first day of softball practice. I'm the youngest one on the team by about 2 years, so I wanted to prove I'm just as good as everyone else. Too bad I tripped in the outfield and got hit in the head with a bat. I have a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 093

You deserved it 4 568

Who goes there?

By Anonymous - 09/01/2021 23:01

Today, I live in a studio and I can hear really weird noises coming from my neighbours, my walls, my floor and even inside, without knowing what did fall/scratch/move. I seriously wonder if someone lives hidden in the walls. I don't know if I should call the cops, a psychiatrist or an exorcist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 725

You deserved it 69

By thatguy - 28/10/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, I learned that girls don't like it when you pass out from carrying them to the bed. What they DO like, is telling all their friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 149

You deserved it 9 158

By someone - 17/09/2013 16:38 - United States - San Diego

Spicy

Today, I was lying naked on my boyfriend's bed for the first time ever. He glanced at me, then started playing with a Rubik's cube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 467

You deserved it 6 888

By Anonymous - 18/04/2012 07:18 - United States - Salinas

Today, I tried to put together some flat-pack furniture. I wound up in my underpants, screaming stuff like, "Fuck you, fucking Ikea bastard" at pieces of confusing plywood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 946

You deserved it 21 665

By Isabell - 06/02/2010 05:31 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 617

You deserved it 5 830

By Anonymous - 21/04/2016 20:28 - United States - Fremont

Spicy

Today, I was video chatting with my boyfriend, when his doorbell rang. He said it was his friend and that he'd be back soon. He shut off his video feed but forgot to mute his audio. A few minutes later, I heard him and some orgasm-faking girl getting it on in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 273

You deserved it 1 725

By Anonymous - 02/08/2015 09:16 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend hasn't showered in two weeks. He says he doesn't want his "manliness" to wash off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 181

You deserved it 2 847

By chubrubber - 04/09/2016 18:57 - United States - Bronx

Today, I participated in a walk for charity. Even though I was supposed to walk 5K, I stopped after 3K because the pain from my thighs rubbing together nearly sent me to tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 978

You deserved it 2 337

By Anonymous - 28/02/2015 09:04 - Australia

Today, I went through the nightmare of having to go to my doctor so he could remove a living spider from my nasal cavity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 329

You deserved it 2 632

By nobabies - 10/12/2017 01:30

Today, I attended my husband's holiday brunch at a company I also used to work for. I was excited to see former coworkers until one raced up, grabbed my belly, and in front of a crowded room, exclaimed, "You're pregnant!" Nope, just older and a bit fatter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 187

You deserved it 452

By riiiighhhttttt - 05/08/2013 05:38 - United States - Laurel

Today, I actually had to explain to my sister that Shrek was not in fact based on a true story. She replied that I'm a "clueless twat". FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 612

You deserved it 4 338

By LegInPieces - 17/10/2013 16:34 - United States - Redmond

Today, I spent an excruciating hour walking to campus with a broken leg, only to find my professor had left a note on the door saying class was canceled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 822

You deserved it 3 825

By pancaketits - 22/03/2016 15:33 - United States - Havertown

Today, a classmate accused me of having butt implants because "women can't have a huge ass and pancake tits". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 267

You deserved it 1 644

By Dinho - 15/05/2009 21:22 - United States

Today, I was in a public bathroom, and a little boy walks in and he has an accident. He asked if I could help him clean it up. So I decided to help. I started to walk to him to assist him. That's when I walked straight into the pee and I slipped. My whole back was covered in pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 021

You deserved it 6 644

By Anonymous - 20/06/2009 08:02 - United States

Today, I found out that the love of my life, who I've been going out with for two weeks only, asked me out because he lost a bet. Apparently I'm the punishment for not being able to eat 10 hot dogs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 099

You deserved it 12 806

By gassy - 15/07/2015 11:15 - United States - Winter Garden

Today, whilst still trying to potty train my puppy and keep her from both peeing and pooping in the house, my lactose intolerance kicked in full fledge. Every time I pass gas, she smells poop and believes it's okay to immediately drop a deuce on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 222

You deserved it 3 996

Still counts!

By Andrea Trevor - 07/08/2018 15:00

Today, I finally did the splits for the first time in my life! Unfortunately, it happened when I stepped in wet dog poop on my kitchen floor. One foot slipped forward in it, and I fell right on top of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 430

You deserved it 216

By Anonymous - 29/01/2019 16:00

Today, I am now sleeping on the floor because my friend got super drunk at a small party then peed herself in her sleep. I was sleeping beside her and my clothes smell like pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 087

You deserved it 221

By Mimi - 29/11/2012 05:29 - United States

Today, I was shopping when I overheard a woman telling an employee that she was buying an iPad for her 5-year-old son. Annoyed, I turned around and ranted about how he should have more age appropriate toys. Then she explained that her son is autistic and will be using the iPad to communicate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 873

You deserved it 93 521

Sex Ed has failed a lot of people

By Anonymous - 20/10/2019 02:00

Today, a senior girl in my college-level biology course asked our professor what periods are like when you’re pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 520

You deserved it 160

By Anonymous - 27/09/2010 13:17 - Australia

Today, I was playing with my dog, teasing her, to cheer myself up after being dumped by my girlfriend. My dog bit me hard and I had to go to hospital. The dog has to be put down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 693

You deserved it 10 941

By Brad - 08/03/2009 05:33 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had just gotten permission from her dad to propose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 157 130

You deserved it 7 487

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:17

well that was nice of them to apologize

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:19

Don't lie you had a great time, you probably masturbated to them and their noises.

Comments

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:15

threesome?

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:17

well that was nice of them to apologize

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:25

shouldve joined them instead of bein a downer and going on fml.xD

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:28

atleast they didn't wake you up at Twilight, or when it was Breaking Dawn, or even on a New Moon. :)

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:34

How'd you wake up if you were kept awake all night?

ChickenInMyKitch 4

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:38

Can we all just thumb 18 down for the Twilight references....

iLOLatURpain69 7

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:43

OP - U and me gonna find 3 more chickadees and have a menage like Nicki! Thatll show em!

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 20:23

18, actually, they did wake op up at breaking dawn, reread the fml

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 22:06

40- if she's referencing twilight, she may not understand the whole 'crack of dawn' concept.

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 22:50

ik, just pointing it out:P

WellThatSucksMaj 0

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 23:10

Solid manners!!

Send a private message

Monday 8 August 2011 3:18

37 or brag

steveakafranxy 7

Send a private message

Tuesday 9 August 2011 1:42

Stupid tiny-ass iPhone screen, accidentally thumbed 18 up

ChickenLegs937 6

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:18

At least they apologized

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 20:15

It's too late to apologizeeee itsss toooooo lateeeeee * eh ehh eh *

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 21:40

i always thought that song went "its too late to call the guys"! this changes my entire schedule-.-

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:19

Don't lie you had a great time, you probably masturbated to them and their noises.

properbostonian 5

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 20:47

How were they? Did she say anything hot?

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:19

When I'm home alone I curl up in a corner and pretend to be a carrot.

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:27

what is this i dont even

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:28

Glad to know I'm not the only one

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:47

Hey Alan! Sometimes I like to curl up in a big ball, and pretend I'm a hush puppy! :D

flockz 19

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:48

whenever i invite friends over, i hang upside down from a ceiling fan and pretend im a piece of seaweed in the ocean. haha no i lied. i dont have any friends. (screams) "MOM YES I WANT SOME MORE PIZZA ROLLS!!"

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:20

When did ppl get nice

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:44

Your pretttyyyy

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:48

Ever since they grew up outside America.

itsgen 16

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:54

I thumbed her dwn I can't hear music while trying to sleep lol ur pic goes with ur comment :)

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 21:09

?

Send a private message

Monday 8 August 2011 1:31

Youurrrr pretttyyyy

THT_WUT_SHE_SAID 0

Send a private message

Monday 8 August 2011 7:07

I agree with 81. :)

Glitterhinoceros 14

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:20

Keep them up and see how they like it

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:24

Wait until they fall asleep and then do the old warm water hand trick. Enjoy the morning awkwardness when you ask them "How'd you sleep?"

rockandrolla_fml 0

Send a private message

Monday 8 August 2011 11:11

Walk into their room naked and crawl into the bed and ask "who wants first reach around?"

yarani 26

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:21

They just wanted to brag....

genesisnirvana 11

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:21

Free audio porn.Embrace their loving OP.

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 19:22

Lol crack of dawn XD

Send a private message

Tuesday 9 August 2011 8:58

We should sooo hook up

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, at the age of 25, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero sexual desire. All this time, I thought you had to have sex first before developing a sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82

You deserved it 15

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 091

You deserved it 144