Animals: Today, after being convinced that my cat had worms due to eating... - FML

By HereKittyKitty - 01/12/2013 20:27 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, after being convinced that my cat had worms due to eating so much food and still looking really skinny, I found out that my neighbor secretly lets his dog in through my pet door while I'm at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 801

You deserved it 2 873

Not good enough

Signs

You went too far

Make your minds up

By Anonymous - 20/08/2020 08:04

Today, I was told I was negative for Covid, so I went to buy wine to celebrate. Two hours later, I got a call again, saying I was positive and placed under quarantine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 531

You deserved it 213

By annonymous - 18/06/2012 01:57 - United States

Today, my dad approached two girls at a store and told them I'd crashed into their car. They didn't find it funny either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 282

You deserved it 2 027

By Anonymous - 03/04/2017 00:00

Today, my husband told my 5-year-old daughter that if I swallowed a watermelon seed, I would get pregnant. Tonight, she dropped one in my mouth while I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 227

You deserved it 603

Bored

By Anonymous - 26/05/2021 02:01

Spicy

Today, my wife asked me when will my sex drive just stop. I'm only 39. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 064

You deserved it 97

By Margaret - 26/12/2018 02:00

Today, I saw some random iTunes charge on my bank account so I called who I thought was iTunes customer support to figure out the $5 charge, then got scammed into buying $1,400 worth of gift cards. The man on the phone was not with iTunes and took all my money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 083

You deserved it 5 424

By Anonymous - 10/08/2015 19:54 - Canada - Burlington

Today, I went to a hockey game. While warm-ups were happening, my favourite player pointed at me and tossed me a puck. It bounced off my hand into another girl's, who was a fan of the other team. She refused to give it back, then walked away and said, "I can't wait to sell this on eBay." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 975

You deserved it 2 407

By Anonymous - 16/03/2012 20:23 - Ireland

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated, and he started to go down on me. In excitement, I accidentally drove a knee into his face. No amount of fondling his diddlestick made him forgive me for his bloody nose and swollen eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 679

You deserved it 13 615

By dimtsis - 29/07/2010 01:24 - Australia

Today, I had to go to counselling as my mother thinks I have an eating disorder. All because I didn't want to eat the crap supermarket lasagna she bought for $2. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 536

You deserved it 4 151

By Anonymous - 14/10/2011 22:40 - United States

Today, I realized the closest I've ever been to being hit on was with a car in the school parking lot. Even then, the guy claimed he "didn't notice" me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 947

You deserved it 3 017

Interesting hypothesis

By Anonymous - 08/07/2020 02:02

Spicy

Today, I found out that my dad has drunkenly told my sister more than once that he doesn’t love either of us, and even then he prefers her over me. All these years I thought I was crazy for thinking I had any kind of daddy issues, but I guess that must be why I’m a phenomenal fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 583

You deserved it 148

By Cassie - 21/05/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, my crush and I were talking on the phone and we were really hitting it off. We got on the subject of sex and I told him I have a purity ring. Then he suddenly said he had to go and hang up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 865

You deserved it 47 163

By Ugh - 13/12/2016 14:39

Today, at my work in a self-service chinese restaurant, a lady came up to me, pointed to the plate she loaded with honey king prawns, and yelled at me because she was allergic to seafood. She demanded a refund and another plate. Everything is clearly labeled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 113

You deserved it 516

Internet doctor

By ThatYourDoctor - 25/08/2021 00:01

Today, a patient came to the ER at 4 a.m., but left complaining I wasn't treating him properly. I treated his toothache with painkillers that would get him through the night so he could contact a dentist the next day. He showed me a TikTok video of the tooth surgery that he supposedly needed instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 917

You deserved it 49

By - - 09/11/2010 00:38 - United States

Today, my daughter got engaged. Her fiancé is not only 25 years older than her, but was her teacher in middle school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 967

You deserved it 4 535

By done - 09/08/2017 19:30 - United States - Mercer Island

Today, I started to fill out a job application online, with age being one of the first things I put in. After half an hour and 40 questions, I hit submit. I was then told that I wasn't old enough to apply. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 088

You deserved it 392

By sunshine19217 - 18/01/2011 23:07 - United States

Today, I took the time to make myself look nice just so that the pizza guy would think I had a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 462

You deserved it 8 660

By Rman - 02/11/2009 22:35 - United States

Today, I got a letter confirming I had dropped out of college. I received this letter shortly after completing the 10th essay I had finished this week as a result of me deciding to finally apply myself to my schoolwork. Turns out that while dropping a class, I checked Drop All instead of Drop 1. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 558

You deserved it 41 867

By for fuck sake dad - 02/11/2012 23:50 - Ireland - Limerick

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. My dad looked at him and said, "Nice outfit, but it's a little late for Halloween." Before I could intervene, my boyfriend said that joke had been done to death, to which my dad retorted, "Yeah, so has your mum." Instant fistfight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 877

You deserved it 3 441

By Anonymous - 23/08/2010 06:21 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my Mom. I ran into my crush. A school dance is soon and he WAS just about to ask something but my mom glanced over and yelled "TAMPONS OR PADS, SWEETIE?!" He then changed his question to "Haha, so which?" And before I could say a word, my mother answered for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 928

You deserved it 3 657

By Dudeman5000 - 21/01/2009 06:59 - France

Today, I get home and there's a package waiting for me. I ordered something online 2 weeks ago for a girl I like. She's not available anymore. No refunds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 563

You deserved it 5 825

By Anonymous - 31/05/2015 13:58 - United States

Today, a guy hit on me. It's such a rare occurrence that I didn't know how to react, so I panicked and said "Sorry, I have to go!" Then I remembered we were on a bus, and just turned around and awkwardly pretended he wasn't there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 008

You deserved it 7 080

By Anonymous - 09/05/2013 16:01 - United States

Today, my ex-wife, whom I divorced just 8 months ago, asked me to attend her wedding, because "it would mean a lot" to her. She's marrying the man she cheated on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 158

You deserved it 3 297

Does this smell weird?

By Anonymous - 13/11/2020 15:05 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I found out that the shampoo I’ve been using has yogurt in, following a prank my boyfriend did. Turns out he forgot about it and I’ve been using it for 5 days now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 791

You deserved it 107

By fuckedover - 26/02/2013 16:43 - United States

Today, a guy I went on one date with asked me out again via text. Being honest, I texted back, politely saying that he was a good guy but I wasn't really interested. He came over to my house, screaming about how awful I was for "text message breaking up with him" and then cracked my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 367

You deserved it 4 676

By Foureyes - 23/08/2009 13:29 - Australia

Today, my mother and father are insisting that I go on a date with a German exchange student they met at the weekend. Why? Because we have similar glasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 583

You deserved it 3 865

By Anonymous - 10/05/2015 12:16 - United Kingdom - York

Today, my boyfriend's mum publicly shamed him on Facebook after she caught him having sex under her roof today. Everyone thought it was hilarious, except me. Not because I'm ashamed, but because I'm over 300 miles away right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 169

You deserved it 2 482

By teegtwo - 22/07/2014 05:55 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend said we can't have sex with the light on anymore. He said he can never finish because the face I make when I orgasm makes him laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 871

You deserved it 26 951

By cjhgvb - 06/11/2014 00:48 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I found out it is possible to get whiplash and a concussion from a tickle fight you have with your boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 300

You deserved it 4 204

By rabbitoncocaine - 20/04/2012 06:41 - Germany - Unterbreizbach

Today, I locked my car. I put the key in my bag when suddenly my car began to roll backwards. I tried to get the key out of my bag but couldn't find it, and with the other hand I tried to stop the car. The worst thing was that some dumbass was watching me and didn't help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 410

You deserved it 21 662

By miss tomato - 08/06/2012 16:36 - United States

Today, I was really badly sunburnt, so I put on some after-sun. The only type we have has glitter in it, and now I look like a sparkling tomato. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 436

You deserved it 5 644

By Anonymous - 14/04/2015 01:50 - Canada - Cornwall

Today, I thought my dad was finally showing interest in the business I started last year when he asked about my next event. Nope, he just wanted to know if I would hire his step-granddaughter. Her first question: "So, I won't have to do any like, real work right?" Gee, thanks Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 289

You deserved it 2 296

By racchhh - 26/07/2009 15:25 - United States

Today, I sent a forward to everyone in my phonebook saying, "HOUSE PARTY-NO PARENTS, LOTS OF ALCOHOL, MAYBE A CHANCE TO HOOK UP." I then got a reply from my mom saying, "I'm probably the only one that would show up." Even my mom thinks I'm a loser, and I'm now grounded for 3 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 835

You deserved it 88 320

By BoredRunner42 - 07/09/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, I had a great time with a girl I liked. I asked her out and she said yes. She also said she cuts herself and if I ever broke up with her, I'll be responsible for her death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 528

You deserved it 6 556

By Anonymous - 20/11/2014 02:43 - United States - Boston

Today, my friendly neighbor asked me to check in on his apartment every few days while he's gone on vacation. You can imagine my horror when I walked in for the first time and found out he's a snake breeder. Twelve more days to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 980

You deserved it 3 759

Ungeeked

By Anonymous - 28/02/2021 04:01 - United States - Weyauwega

Today, while trying to fix a corrupted USB hard drive with my wife’s computer I accidentally wiped her laptop drive instead of clearing the external drive. I’m not allowed on her computers anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 259

You deserved it 1 442

By grimatwork - 01/11/2010 17:24 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, after taking my jacket off at work, I found a large faint stain all across one side of my shirt. Turns out that my fiancé had used it to "clean up the bed." I am the manager of a supermarket with 40 employees. It was pretty obvious what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 313

You deserved it 5 395

Halloween came early

By umm..WHAT?? - 22/10/2020 14:01 - United States - Pomona

Today, I was sleeping in my bed when I woke up in horror to see that my 34-year-old cousin, who was spending the night, was watching me sleep. Once he noticed that I was awake, he quietly left the room. I told my mom, who then told me not to tell anyone and pretend that it never happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 496

You deserved it 66

Go away

By pokèscared - 10/03/2020 05:00

Today, the creepy dude I’d been desperately trying to avoid was able to figure out which building I work in, the general vicinity of my house and which restaurants I frequent. He learned all this by the gifts I sent, not knowing it was him, on the Pokémon Go app. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 576

You deserved it 529

By Anonymous - 19/11/2010 03:34 - United States

Today, I was just about done with my late-night shift at Ralph's. As I was about to put up my "Closed Lane" sign, an elderly women starts putting items on the conveyor belt. The cost was $14.79, and she paid with pennies. It took her ages to count them all, and I wasn't being paid overtime. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 571

You deserved it 3 978

By pissingcontest - 30/05/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I had to take a serious piss. I started urinating and leaned back slightly on my heels. Somehow I lost my balance and fell backward, hitting my head on the wall behind me and spraying myself and my entire bathroom with my own pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 596

You deserved it 45 891

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Top comments

vewwe 20

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Monday 2 December 2013 2:25

At least the dog didn't kill the cat!

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Monday 2 December 2013 2:27

Steal his bag of dog food to feed your cat.

Comments

vewwe 20

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Monday 2 December 2013 2:25

At least the dog didn't kill the cat!

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Monday 2 December 2013 2:35

Not outright...

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Monday 2 December 2013 3:11

it did one time but the cat was resurrected on the 3rd day

Eahae3 12

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Monday 2 December 2013 4:41

But he basically is by starving the cat!

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Monday 2 December 2013 8:13

You should set a bear trap in front of your pet door, then keep your cat in a cage to be safe

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Monday 2 December 2013 12:44

The dog kills the cat everyday. It's currently on life number 5.

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Monday 2 December 2013 2:27

Steal his bag of dog food to feed your cat.

ThatFancyPenn 18

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Monday 2 December 2013 2:49

I'm pretty sure if he's letting his dog eat OP's cat food, he probably didn't have his own food.

GRubi 17

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Monday 2 December 2013 4:48

Not necessarily. Most dogs will continue to eat as long as there's food available to them. They can't tell when they're full.

JaegerMayCry 13

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Monday 2 December 2013 5:04

Better yet, steal the dog and feed it to the cat. no? okay, ill see myself out.

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Monday 2 December 2013 14:55

You shouldn't give dog food to cats. Or vice versa, because dogs and cats have different dietary needs.

electricshock19 12

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Monday 2 December 2013 2:28

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Monday 2 December 2013 2:29

Reading would be nice. "pet door"

ptoka 20

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Monday 2 December 2013 2:33

He broke in, forget the Cat Burglar... He's a Dog Burglar!

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Monday 2 December 2013 2:29

Might wanna consider investing in a locking pet door :p

GRubi 17

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Monday 2 December 2013 4:50

Could backfire and shit on OP's carpet.

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Monday 2 December 2013 5:39

It comes to the house to eat not to shit lol

BradTheBrony 19

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Tuesday 3 December 2013 20:52

#38: I read that as: "This plan could backfire and end in the locking pet door shitting on OP's carpet." And this has been another action-packed episode of "Proper Syntax is Important!"

red_headforlife 15

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Monday 2 December 2013 2:30

aww poor kitty! You need to confront your neighbor.

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Monday 2 December 2013 23:27

Confront? I would make him pay me back for all the food his dumbass dog ate. What an asshole.

livinginabook 24

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Monday 2 December 2013 2:30

Aw! Poor cat can't even eat it's own food. Fix the door so the dog can't get in op!

awkwardloveannie 28

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Monday 2 December 2013 2:30

so you're going to buy one if those boards that go over the pet door to keep him out or invest in a camera to catch your neighbor

golden_warrior 23

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Monday 2 December 2013 2:32

Get a pitbull to scare the crap out of that dog.

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Monday 2 December 2013 9:15

Really? You're a smart man.

dont_doubt_me 29

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Monday 2 December 2013 2:32

Zoinks! That's pretty awful.

MrSassypants 32

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Monday 2 December 2013 4:09

I know, wight raggy?

WellThatSucked89 13

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Monday 2 December 2013 2:33

Did the vet aware you of this? Or did you go around the neighborhood asking "hey! do you know why my cat is skinny?" In all seriousness though, I am glad you found out and can get that fur baby back to health! Good luck, OP!

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Monday 2 December 2013 5:47

How could the vet "aware" op of this.....what?

WellThatSucked89 13

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Monday 2 December 2013 6:02

Humor. Lost apparently...

amDes 11

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Monday 2 December 2013 6:07

In 49 offence, your joke was poorly executed...

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Monday 2 December 2013 7:00

Horribly executed.

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Monday 2 December 2013 13:19

clearly a typo you're trying to pass off as a joke

WellThatSucked89 13

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Monday 2 December 2013 13:37

Hmm. I am curious as to this "typo". Could you be so kind as to direct me to it, good sir?

BradTheBrony 19

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Tuesday 3 December 2013 20:54

As much as I'd hate to admit it, 66 is right. He did not make a typographical error. He did, however, make a grammatical error.

WellThatSucked89 13

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Wednesday 4 December 2013 14:49

I am unsure as to where I made a grammatical error. I'm not being a bitch here, I genuinely do not know. But please note, I am not a HE. I am, in fact, a SHE.

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Saturday 23 January 2016 21:57

'Did the vet aware you of this?' Was the mistake. You probably meant to say, 'Did the vet make you aware of this?' Or something to that extent.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 215

You deserved it 29

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 114

You deserved it 274