Today, after an hour of crying over a guy I like, I put on some... - FML

By Anonymous - 20/1/2013 18:22 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, after an hour of crying over a guy I like, I put on some Adele and sang along. My mom quickly took notice and came to give me advice, which was to "get over it" because he doesn't want me, and that "masturbation beats relationships hands down." Gee, thanks mom. FML

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Call CPS!

Caught red-handed

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By Username - 14/8/2011 07:16 - United States

Today, I spent $500 buying my lost cat back from a jerk who thought it was his. I get home and my mom tells me that she'd sold it to the same guy for $10 because she thought the cat was ruining my love life. FML

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By oww - 14/5/2020 08:02

Trust

Today, I told my boyfriend we should avoid the local walking trail after I got followed by a homeless man. He assured me we’d be fine and the guy wouldn’t approach me as long as I had a man with me. Wrong. We both got beat up and robbed by said homeless man. FML

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By cinemasaddo - 25/9/2013 22:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I was let down for a movie date. As I'd already paid for the tickets, I got my narcoleptic sister to come and sit next to me while she slept, so it didn't look like I came on my own. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2011 14:00 - Belgium

Today, I was walking home when a stranger came up to me and told me to give him a good reason why he shouldn't punch me in the face. I guess none were good enough. FML

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By erectioninfection - 1/5/2009 18:21 - United States

Today, I had an ultrasound in fear of testicular cancer. I apparently signed papers allowing an intern to do it for practice. She was in her early 20s and smoking hot so as she was rubbing jelly on my testes I got an erection. FML

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By cls_x - 24/2/2013 07:53 - United States - Riverview

Today, I was holding the door open for a friend. She told me to wait a second because she had to finish a text. Nearly a minute passed before I asked why she wouldn't come inside to finish typing. We were at a Chinese restaurant. She thought the "No MSG" sign meant you couldn't text inside. FML

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By sh33zy - 3/2/2009 20:27 - United States

Today, the only girl I'm friends with deleted my comment off of her profile because she was too embarrassed that people would see we were friends. FML

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By zamwow - 20/12/2013 23:36 - United States - Ridgefield Park

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Just as he was about to finish, he pulled out and came in his hand. He then flicked his hand towards my face and yelled, "Sha-ZAM!" FML

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By Mike - 11/9/2019 04:01 - United States - Burlington

Drama Llama

Today, I called my mother to say hi. She spent a whole hour and a half complaining about how I never call her, bawling and calling me "a waste of human flesh." I call her at least once a week. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2011 01:26 - Israel

Today, I'm sat at home alone on a Friday night, watching a documentary online about decomposing elephants. FML

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By kb10 - 14/3/2011 07:32

Today, I got arrested for shoplifting. I don't know what's worse, that I stole a one dollar bottle of chocolate milk, or that I didn't have the dollar to pay for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2013 07:11 - United States - Rainier

Today, I received a prank phone call that woke me up. I actually kept them on the line because they were the first person to call me in weeks. FML

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By amorousintx - 26/9/2010 23:58 - United States

Today, my grad student husband was unusually frisky in the middle of the day. I took the opportunity and we had an enjoyable afternoon romp. Afterward, I asked him what had gotten him in such a good mood. He replied, "I'd do just about anything to get out of doing my homework." FML

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By conbon123 - 29/4/2013 07:20 - United States - Beaverton

Today, my dog became scared of his own food bowl. He now barks for ages every time he sees it. FML

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By Joel_28 - 1/3/2010 00:33 - Canada

Today, I went to the physician to check my rear because it was hurting. My usual doctor wasn't available, so he was replaced by a gorgeous woman with big cleavage. when she asked me to pull down my pants, she saw that I had a huge hard on. FML

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By xoVioLoveox - 10/3/2009 02:04 - United States

Today, I was babysitting an eleven year old boy. He decided we should play with nerf guns with velcro tips. I shot him in the crotch accidentally, and the dart stuck on his pants wiggling for about a full minute before his dad walked in to find us both staring at his son's crotch, giggling. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2017 01:00 - Australia - Stretton

Today, I was in the shower washing my hair when my hand ran down the shower caddy and in particular, on my razor. If I wasn't woozy from all the blood splatter around the shower - seeing the bone that connects my finger definitely did it. FML

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By BirthdayTeeth - 16/6/2009 11:14 - United Arab Emirates

Today, it was my 18th birthday. I got one thing: a fancy electric toothbrush from my little sister. I would say I'm happy to have something rather than nothing, except, for as long as the toothbrush works, there will be a Hannah Montana concert going on in my mouth. FML

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By John - 15/11/2009 06:08 - Australia

Today, I parked my convertible in the 5 minute bay at the post office. When I came back out I noticed a bum in the front seat pretending to drive it. After shouting at him and pulling him out, he stumbled off. I was then slapped with a ticket for being parked longer than 5 minutes. FML

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By whiteycan'tgetitrightey - 24/2/2015 23:13 - United Kingdom - Norwich

Today, I apologised to someone for my misuse of the word 'coloured' in a discussion about ethnic minority issues. They then got even more angry and said that to even quote the word in the context of an apology is evidence of my ignorance and inherent racism. FML

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By oliviakelly25 - 9/10/2009 06:41 - United States

Today, three months after finally ending a long relationship with the love of my life because he was cheating on me, we are now seeing each other again. And cheating on our new significant others with each other. FML

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By anonymous - 25/7/2013 01:31 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was going so slow in traffic that my GPS asked me if I wanted to switch to pedestrian mode. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 19:44 - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm. It was great until mid-gasm when she swung her arm out and knocked me out. She still can't stop laughing. FML

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By morg2000 - 17/2/2009 23:23 - Mexico

Today, I went out to dinner with my family. I was given a kids menu when the hostess sat us down. I'm 24. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2014 20:43 - United States - Irmo

Today, I'm moving. While packing, I realized I hadn't seen my cat in a few hours. I called her and realized she was inside one of the hundreds of boxes in my house. I accidentally packed my cat. FML

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By Hellosinglelife - 28/3/2013 22:35 - Trinidad and Tobago - Diego Martin

Today, my now ex-girlfriend posted on Facebook that I called her a "fucking bitch". Our mutual friends were all outraged, and demanded that I treat her with respect. What she failed to mention was that I said it after finding out that she's been sleeping with my "best friend" for the past year. FML

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By Novocain - 20/4/2009 05:20 - Australia

Today, I went to my new dentist and before he started looking at my teeth, I told him my previous dentist had never found a single thing wrong with my teeth. After looking around, he chuckled humourlessly and called my last dentist idiotic. I now have a $580 bill and a root canal next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2017 22:00

Something smells fishy.

Today, the maid left a bottle of Febreze in my hotel room. Think she is trying to tell me something? FML

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By lostinthewoods - 30/5/2019 04:00

Today, while hiking, my dad decided we should take the beeline trail down the mountain to save time. When we got to the bottom of the mountain, we discovered we were on the wrong side. We had to hike 13 extra miles to go around the mountain to get back to our car. FML

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By nodad - 11/10/2011 04:52 - United States

Today, I found out my dad stole money from me when he was arrested for buying Oxycodone from an undercover cop. FML

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By jacky tu - 16/10/2010 03:06 - United States

Today, I got grounded because I didn't go to my dog's birthday party. FML

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By sexyconvo - 25/11/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, I tried to convince my boyfriend to come over, telling him it would be "worth his time." He asked, "How?" I said, "Dazzling conversation of course. Just kidding, you'll probably get laid." He replied, "Oh. Well I would if it was for the conversation." FML

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By gabbykinz13 - 8/3/2012 21:48 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she'll be having her period, since she was acting pretty bitchy the last time around. She duct taped my leg hair and ripped it off while I was napping. FML

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By ash - 18/5/2016 20:00 - United States - Winnebago

Today, I went shopping on my only day off. The only aisle open was self-checkout. I'm a cashier. FML

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By - 12/1/2020 05:00

Beautiful car

Today, I sold my wife's old car because I bought her a newer and nicer one. On the way back home from the sale, the transmission went out in her new one. FML

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By unlovedfatty - 16/12/2010 01:01 - United States

Today, I reactivated my Facebook account, having not used it for three months. My "friends" didn't realize this. According to their recent status updates, I'm disgustingly fat, have a hook nose, and I'm secretly hated. FML

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By smth - 6/7/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I was babysitting. The kids were thirsty, so I poured them both a cup of the green juice I'd found in a jug in their fridge. They downed it in a flash. It wasn't until later on after I'd poured myself a cup and taken a sip, I realized I had given them margarita mix. The kids are 4 and 2. FML

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By shorty4 - 13/7/2012 14:36 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend, who is a fully-grown man, that making dinosaur noises in public is no longer acceptable. FML

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By Coley - 29/1/2009 22:46 - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor to talk about my depression and low self-esteem. He told me that I shouldn't think of myself as a fat pig for being overweight. I don't think that and I'm NOT overweight. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2020 17:00

Marriage (Dress) Story

Today, I found out that the company I sent my wedding dress to caught fire and lost everything in their building. I was going to be the fourth generation woman in my family to wear it. FML

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Top comments

By strawberrywine22 | 27

#5332571 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:02

If singing along to Adele is your way of grieving over your lost relationship, I'm with your mother. Maybe you should stick to boyfriends that require AA batteries.

By ballbearing | 10

#5332560 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:00

Your mom is right.

Comments

By Starcatch77 | 20

#5332557 - Monday 21 January 2013 1:59

Great Mom.

By ballbearing | 10

#5332560 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:00

Your mom is right.

By strawberrywine22 | 27

#5332571 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:02

If singing along to Adele is your way of grieving over your lost relationship, I'm with your mother. Maybe you should stick to boyfriends that require AA batteries.

Reply

skoob1 | 12

#5332846 - Monday 21 January 2013 5:19

Yes, because an alcoholic anonymous meeting is definitely a great place to find a keeper. At least they're trying!

Reply

spaboolly | 26

#5332853 - Monday 21 January 2013 5:24

49- If your attempts at jokes leave people thinking "What the hell is this guy talking about?" then you should probably work on your humor.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5332869 - Monday 21 January 2013 5:43

I think most people will understand the joke, being that it isnt very clever at all. it just sucks.

Reply

Quidikic | 9

#5332913 - Monday 21 January 2013 6:40

Yes, quite. Your creativity with said initialism is oh so clever.

By ScaryyMary | 14

#5332575 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:03

Your mom is ridiculous. Vibrators can't buy you presents or dinner.

Reply

ElatedEarthling | 15

#5332623 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:20

But boyfriends can't vibrate...

Reply

ScaryyMary | 14

#5332629 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:24

Solution: date a robot.

Reply

ElatedEarthling | 15

#5332636 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:26

Or someone with sex-induced epilepsy.

Reply

LilRob58 | 5

#5332873 - Monday 21 January 2013 5:45

Some of us can vibrate.....

Reply

Quidikic | 9

#5332915 - Monday 21 January 2013 6:42

53- Yeah, what if we would spend an hour in a freezer before sex?

Hint hint, ladies.

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5332950 - Monday 21 January 2013 7:32

...depends on how frozen solid the member is.

By Kal3Y | 12

#5332577 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:03

Maybe she was trying to help with some tough love? Either way, sorry OP:(

By tomhofer | 14

#5332579 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:04

We could of had it alllllllllll rolling in the deeeeeeeeeeppppp

Reply

ScaryyMary | 14

#5332591 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:06

I always wondered what that song meant...

By sarbear293 | 4

#5332583 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:04

Well, maybe she's right

By Coop817 | 19

#5332586 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:05

Nothing beats advise from the wise

Reply

Coop817 | 19

#5332805 - Monday 21 January 2013 4:43

*Advice
Wow

By theycallmekitty | 13

#5332593 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:07

Tell her you can't use your mouth on yourself.

Reply

Ohitsariel | 25

#6541556 - Sunday 21 February 2016 5:37

That's probably not something you should say to your mother....

By zandalee | 19

#5332595 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:08

Sounds like a pretty cool Mum to me.
Vibrators don't argue, never leave the loo seat up, never hog the remote, can be extremely flexible, ;) and never tell you your bum looks big. Get one!

Reply

ScaryyMary | 14

#5332605 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:11

Yeah, but you try to take one into a movie theatre with you and all of a sudden you're a pervert.

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#5332635 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:26

Maybe we're going to the wrong theaters, Mary.

Reply

ScaryyMary | 14

#5332641 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:27

Pee Wee Herman WAS my childhood hero, after all...

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5332956 - Monday 21 January 2013 7:36

...Hey I just discovered another way to use a vibrator! Turn it on, put it between the mattress and the base - instant vibrating bed! Very soothing. Of course it does help to have a vibrator with industrial strength and durability...

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#5333016 - Monday 21 January 2013 9:16

You could always invest in Magic Fingers. I hear there's still a few out there.