Love: Today, after an hour of crying over a guy I like, I put on some... - FML

By Anonymous - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, after an hour of crying over a guy I like, I put on some Adele and sang along. My mom quickly took notice and came to give me advice, which was to "get over it" because he doesn't want me, and that "masturbation beats relationships hands down." Gee, thanks mom. FML

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Renters' rights

Who's that?

Our house, is a very very very fine house

By Kevin - United States

Today, I spent almost my entire English class turned on thinking that the hot girl next to me was playing footsie with me. That is until she stood up and I realized I had been rubbing my foot on her backpack. FML

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By leah

Whooped

Today, I was standing in the shower drying off when my sister came in the bathroom. She must have thought I was a burglar because she hit the shower curtain and punched me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Coplay

Today, my school brought in therapy dogs to help with stress. I was attacked by one of them. FML

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By Dan - United Kingdom

Today, I had my leaving party after work to celebrate getting a new job. 3 people turned up. I'd invited 35. FML

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By neverhavingkids - United States

Today, I found out how hard a lemon is to the nuts when being hurled by an angry girlfriend for losing at Wii Sports. FML

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By Failure2017 - United States

Today, my husband referred to me as his “favorite meat sock” in front of our son. FML

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By Albert - United States - Dover

Today, I went to see my orthodontist. He informed me that I have an underbite and I will probably need braces again. I just had them taken off last year, after five and a half years of oral hell. FML

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By NotBridezilla - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, after waiting 3 months until my friend's wedding was done being celebrated, I announced my engagement. My newlywed friend bitched me out for "stealing" all of the attention and being selfish. FML

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By frame - Canada

Today, I was walking my husky when she saw a cat and bolted toward it. I couldn't let go of the leash because my hand was tangled up. Forced to run along, I ran into a parked van at full sprint. I lost my dog, broke two ribs and have to pay for the dent in the van. FML

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By Wet Britches - United States - Portland

Today, on my rush to get home from work to use the bathroom, I hit a deer. It startled me so badly that I wet myself. FML

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By charlieweaver21 - France

Today, I agreed to meet my ex-girlfriend at our favorite restaurant with my hopes high. She just wanted me to meet her new boyfriend. FML

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By CT - United States

Today, I was told by my mother that the reason she quit her job as a counselor and divorced my dad was because she met someone through work. She works in a prison. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my school is having their homecoming, and it seems everyone but me has someone to go with. My best friend has her boyfriend, my brother has a date, and I have my hamster. FML

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By Busty

These jugs don't belong here...

Today, Walmart was out of quart milk jugs except for one. When I went to grab it, I had to practically climb into the fridge. My boobs got stuck on the shelf on the way out, and it took a solid two minutes to wiggle my way free. I had an audience. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I was outside at a café and looked at my phone. When I did, a woman halfway across the patio started screaming at me, demanding I tell her who I was texting and why. She then sprinted over, furious at me for apparently badmouthing her to somebody. All I did was check the time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate confronted me about my eating disorder. She described in length how emaciated my chest has become and how she wants to help. Except I don't have an eating disorder. My sternum is deformed and I have only recently become confident enough to wear low-cut tops. FML

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By Anonymous

Eye-bleach please

Today, I have been having to work in a residence of people with disabilities when I normally do community work with disabled people and usually enjoy it. I have seen not one, but two elderly mens' genitals today when my actual job would never require me to see any. I didn’t sign up for this. FML

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By Jenna - 12/10/2020 02:02

Jumping the gun

Today, my boyfriend of one week kissed my stomach and began speaking to our "baby." We haven't had sex yet. In fact, I'm still a virgin. FML

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By buttuglyforeveralone :( - United Kingdom - Treharris

Today, my step-dad tried to talk me into getting plastic surgery. His reasoning: "Let's face it, 28 and single? Look, I know your mum gave you shitty genes, but that's no excuse to avoid fixing your face, honey." FML

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By MiserableGradStudent

Triple Dog Dare

Today, I was teaching my microbiology lab class as a graduate TA. Some dumbass frat boy dared his friend to drink a tube of E. coli and the idiot did it. Now everything in the lab is contaminated with vomit. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was driving behind a tall truck when it drove through some overhanging branches. Suddenly, a huge branch fell on top of my car, leaving it scratched all over and with several dents in the roof. FML

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By Sadwife - United States - Pardeeville

Today, I had my wedding at 11 a.m. so that I could spend a lot of time with my friends and family. Everyone left within 4 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jeromesville

Today, a friend invited me to christmas dinner since I have no family close by. When I got there she told me her and her husband forgot they had another dinner to go to and asked if I would watch their kids for them. They each grabbed a handful of cookies I had baked and rushed out the door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on the way to work, I was punched in the balls by a complete stranger. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at work and I had to take a dump. Since I was the only person in the bathroom, I started singing, "I'm taking a poopy-poop poop poop poop." I was not the only person in the bathroom. FML

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By lolwut - United States - Albany

Today, I saw my teacher using her phone in the middle of class, so to joke around with her, seeing as we're on pretty good terms, I said: "Using your phone in class? For shame." She looks me in the eyes and says, "Would it be ok if I told you I'm arranging my father's funeral?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hudson Falls

Today, I woke up to my drunk great grandfather peeing on my cat and thinking it was absolutely hysterical. This isn't the first time and he just moved in with me for the next six weeks. FML

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By Queasy - Canada

Today, I found out that sitting in the third row at a 3D movie makes me vomit. Today I also found out that the big burly dude in front of me does not appreciate being vomited on. Now I feel nauseous and have a black eye. Not to mention I missed the last part of the movie. FML

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By worthless - United States

Today, my boyfriend, who doesn't wear deodorant and has horrible dandruff, decided to shower for the first time in nearly a week because he got invited out to a bar. He didn't even invite me to go with him. FML

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By Rex - United States - Camden

Do Not Pass Go

Today, I started at a new college. I bought my textbooks and went to my first class only to find out that they changed my schedule without telling me. I'd already opened the book. I could not get $200 back. FML

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By Ethan - United States

Today, I awoke to find a giant turd on my carpet, cat hair everywhere in my room, and a big hole in my window screen. I don't own a cat. FML

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By LoserOfTheYear - United States

Today, I went to have my eyebrows waxed for the first time. After signing in the receptionist looked at me and said "Lip wax?". I told her no, my eyebrows. She sat me down and the waxer walked up, took one look at me and said "Lip wax?" FML

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By JTBastry

Today, after graduating from culinary school, I was turned down by Chipotle, Jersey Mike's, and McDonald's entry-level jobs because I didn't have enough experience. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I started my period. I am getting married tomorrow. So, not only am I going to be on my period for my wedding night and honeymoon, my best friend has to help me change my pad because my dress is so big. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2021 22:58

Saucy devil

Today, I was helping my Dad with an internet issue he was having. He gave me his tablet to check it out. I opened the browser, and there were 8 tabs open. All of them were PornHub. FML

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By collegebroke - United States - Lakewood

Today, I hit a new low in my financial troubles when I left my work to retrieve twenty-five cents after seeing someone drop it across the street. FML

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By Almost_Homeless - Canada - London

Today, my landlord started showing my apartment, where I have lived and paid rent for over 2 years, to prospective tenants. I didn't realize that I was moving. FML

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By Anonymous

Parked, indefinitely

Today, my mom told me I wouldn't be able to take driver's education until at least my sixteenth birthday, because I'm, "Not ready to drive a car." Isn't that the whole point of driver's ed? FML

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By Photos - United States

Today, after I got home from school I went to my room to find the maid had cleaned it, also to find a bag labeled "trash" it was all the sketches and paintings I had done in art class, which is my major plan for college. FML

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By mitochondriaisthepowerhouseofthecell

Today, I had my final piano performance. There is a guy in my class who constantly tells me I suck at piano, so I was looking forward to watching him play badly since he never practices. Instead, he played the most beautiful music that would make Mozart weep. He got a standing ovation. FML

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Top comments

By strawberrywine22 | 27

#5332571 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:02

If singing along to Adele is your way of grieving over your lost relationship, I'm with your mother. Maybe you should stick to boyfriends that require AA batteries.

By ballbearing | 10

#5332560 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:00

Your mom is right.

COMMENTS

By Starcatch77 | 20

#5332557 - Monday 21 January 2013 1:59

Great Mom.

By ballbearing | 10

#5332560 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:00

Your mom is right.

By strawberrywine22 | 27

#5332571 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:02

If singing along to Adele is your way of grieving over your lost relationship, I'm with your mother. Maybe you should stick to boyfriends that require AA batteries.

Reply

skoob1 | 12

#5332846 - Monday 21 January 2013 5:19

Yes, because an alcoholic anonymous meeting is definitely a great place to find a keeper. At least they're trying!

Reply

spaboolly | 26

#5332853 - Monday 21 January 2013 5:24

49- If your attempts at jokes leave people thinking "What the hell is this guy talking about?" then you should probably work on your humor.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5332869 - Monday 21 January 2013 5:43

I think most people will understand the joke, being that it isnt very clever at all. it just sucks.

Reply

Quidikic | 9

#5332913 - Monday 21 January 2013 6:40

Yes, quite. Your creativity with said initialism is oh so clever.

By ScaryyMary | 14

#5332575 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:03

Your mom is ridiculous. Vibrators can't buy you presents or dinner.

Reply

ElatedEarthling | 15

#5332623 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:20

But boyfriends can't vibrate...

Reply

ScaryyMary | 14

#5332629 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:24

Solution: date a robot.

Reply

ElatedEarthling | 15

#5332636 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:26

Or someone with sex-induced epilepsy.

Reply

LilRob58 | 5

#5332873 - Monday 21 January 2013 5:45

Some of us can vibrate.....

Reply

Quidikic | 9

#5332915 - Monday 21 January 2013 6:42

53- Yeah, what if we would spend an hour in a freezer before sex?

Hint hint, ladies.

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5332950 - Monday 21 January 2013 7:32

...depends on how frozen solid the member is.

By Kal3Y | 12

#5332577 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:03

Maybe she was trying to help with some tough love? Either way, sorry OP:(

By tomhofer | 14

#5332579 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:04

We could of had it alllllllllll rolling in the deeeeeeeeeeppppp

Reply

ScaryyMary | 14

#5332591 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:06

I always wondered what that song meant...

By sarbear293 | 4

#5332583 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:04

Well, maybe she's right

By Coop817 | 19

#5332586 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:05

Nothing beats advise from the wise

Reply

Coop817 | 19

#5332805 - Monday 21 January 2013 4:43

*Advice
Wow

By theycallmekitty | 13

#5332593 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:07

Tell her you can't use your mouth on yourself.

Reply

Ohitsariel | 25

#6541556 - Sunday 21 February 2016 5:37

That's probably not something you should say to your mother....

By zandalee | 19

#5332595 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:08

Sounds like a pretty cool Mum to me.
Vibrators don't argue, never leave the loo seat up, never hog the remote, can be extremely flexible, ;) and never tell you your bum looks big. Get one!

Reply

ScaryyMary | 14

#5332605 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:11

Yeah, but you try to take one into a movie theatre with you and all of a sudden you're a pervert.

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#5332635 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:26

Maybe we're going to the wrong theaters, Mary.

Reply

ScaryyMary | 14

#5332641 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:27

Pee Wee Herman WAS my childhood hero, after all...

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5332956 - Monday 21 January 2013 7:36

...Hey I just discovered another way to use a vibrator! Turn it on, put it between the mattress and the base - instant vibrating bed! Very soothing. Of course it does help to have a vibrator with industrial strength and durability...

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#5333016 - Monday 21 January 2013 9:16

You could always invest in Magic Fingers. I hear there's still a few out there.