Today, after an hour of crying over a guy I like, I put on some... - FML

By Anonymous - 20/1/2013 18:22 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, after an hour of crying over a guy I like, I put on some Adele and sang along. My mom quickly took notice and came to give me advice, which was to "get over it" because he doesn't want me, and that "masturbation beats relationships hands down." Gee, thanks mom. FML

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Instadrama

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Boom, headshot

By marisacb - 13/3/2013 18:52 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. Depressed, I started telling her about my terrible week. A woman came over and asked me to not be so "whiny and negative" in front of her children. FML

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By Minnie - 12/6/2016 13:33 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I was invited to go to a BBQ with one of my guy friends. It turned out to be a surprise engagement party, and every single one of his friends congratulated me. I'm not his fiancée. FML

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By ouch - 25/2/2009 23:29 - United States

Today, I had to rush to school to avoid being late. Unfortunately, I forgot to put a bra on beforehand, and as soon as I got to gym class, the first thing my teacher said was: "Okay folks, let's get outside, we're running the mile." FML

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By SouthPaw - 14/1/2015 21:48 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I confronted my wife because I thought the many hours a day she spends at a local coffee shop were so she could smoke. Turns out she's cheating on me. FML

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By daddy - 22/12/2008 05:43 - France

Today, someone stole both rear view mirrors from my scooter. And where was the police? They were 500m down the road, waiting to stop me for not having any mirrors. FML

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By BadBribe - 24/6/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting in me in the nuts. Hard. FML

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By Sodge - 15/5/2009 10:20 - Australia

Today, I was impressing dinner guests by spinning my new baby in the air (something she loves), when she projectile vomited over the dinner table and the guests. My wife, who had spent three hours cooking was not impressed. Once of the guests was also a sympathy spewer. FML

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By forever dog-less - 22/12/2018 04:00

Today, my mom told me to go meet a rescue dog. After doing all my research and emailing shelters left and right, I finally got a call. It went well! Then, my mom told me it would never happen. I'm still expecting several emails from the shelters I contacted, so I get to relive this pain. FML

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By Jerrrr - 27/5/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, I wanted revenge on the rabbit who ate my garden's plants. When he returned, he was standing next to my brand new above-ground swimming pool. I pull out my 22. rifle and shot at it, but the bullet missed and popped a hole in my pool. 15,000 gallons of water flooded my basement. FML

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By darianvilla - 22/7/2016 23:35 - United States - College Park

Today, I was happy because my co-worker was almost about to get fired due to his lazy habits. It was all going so well. Then I accidentally put my biggest sale yet under his name. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2019 12:00

Today, I asked my mom if she'd seen my financial calculator on my way out to an exam. She told me she'd tossed it in the donation pile that she'd taken to the Salvation Army this morning because it was "clutter." I needed it to take the exam, which is required to pass the class, to graduate next month. The only place to buy a replacement was closed. FML

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By Waitingtomoveout - 12/1/2017 17:09

Today, I had to remove my brother's pubic hairs from the bathtub before bathing my son. FML

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By Darth Binks - 1/2/2015 18:48 - Canada

Today, I came back from vacation to find a packet on the company's stress management programs on my desk. I was sent the same packet over my vacation. I got the same packet from my boss as I left. All because I snapped at a co-worker who was throwing a tantrum over the Star Wars trailer. FML

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By anonynous - 27/6/2015 15:01 - United States - Charlotte

Today, while watching a family movie, my mother made every effort to make sure I covered my eyes during a kissing scene. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise, since she still forces me to put my phone in her room every night as she makes me go to bed at 8:30 PM. FML

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By laydeegaga - 7/3/2010 08:13

Today, my mom cleaned my room, while doing so she found a very detailed sex book I got from an ex boyfriend as a "gift". For years I had her convinced I was still a virgin, until today. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2012 21:56 - Sweden - V?llingby

Today, I woke up after a long night of drinking with my friends. I vaguely remembered visiting a tattoo parlour, but nothing prepared me for the sight of the words "YOLO" and "MOFO" tattooed across the fingers of my left and right hands. Now I'm officially a bandwagoning douchebag. FML

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By habassistant - 2/1/2013 15:49 - United States - North Olmsted

Today, I was cleaning one of my disabled clients because he pooped himself, so I started to undress him for a shower. I took his dirty diaper off and set it on his bed, then I bent over to take off his socks at which point he put the diaper on my head like a hat. FML

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By A.Summers - 30/9/2013 22:41 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my parents surprised me by redecorating my room. I think they were more surprised by the box of naughty toys under my bed. FML

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By J Money - 3/9/2018 04:00 - United States

Today, I'm being paid to watch paint dry. I work for military defense, and the door l just painted is an opening for a secure lab, so has to be monitored nonstop. This cannot happen until the paint dries. The U.S. government is literally paying me to watch paint dry. FML

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By Tally - 24/9/2009 16:16 - Canada

Today, I got flowers at work. I was excited until I saw they were from my good friend saying, "Sorry for sleeping with your boyfriend!" FML

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By mrs14 - 11/9/2012 02:04 - United States

Today, I spent five minutes sitting in my car, panicking and tearing my purse apart because I couldn't find my keys. I then found them. They were in the ignition, and the car was running. FML

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By combo - 28/2/2010 09:12 - France

Today, I was chatting with my boyfriend and his mates barefoot on the grass. I suddenly felt something flick across my feet, so I let out a startled scream. Turns out it was my toe hairs rustling in the breeze. FML

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By blondessdoll - 4/5/2016 17:30 - United States

Today, when getting my eyebrows waxed, the lady cursed "oh shit!" under her breath, right after waxing half of my brow off. FML

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By TooShortToCleanThat - 20/3/2015 03:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to show off one of his favorite skills: Peeing on my ceiling. FML

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By Shoutout1011 - 15/4/2017 22:00

Today, my 6-month-old daughter decided she'd scream every time I'd answer her cries instead of her daddy. He just left for a 12-hour shift at work. Only 11 more hours to go. FML

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By aurelj1 - 3/8/2016 19:59 - United States - Colleyville

Today, I went out to dinner with my mom and several of her friends. My mom spent the entire night gushing about my Ivy League school and med student boyfriend. I attend a state university and am single. She threatened to cut me off if I didn't play along. FML

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By Sensitive!!! - 24/8/2020 21:56 - Australia - Brisbane

A teaching moment

Today, my husband is so bad at foreplay that when he remembers to try and turn me on, he digs around really hard like he's scratching a bug bite. Last time, his nail sliced my clitoris. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend woke up in the middle of the night, crying. When I asked her why, she said that she had a dream where we were getting married. FML

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By simple living - 29/4/2015 02:43 - United States - Austin

Today, my dog threw up on the tiled floor. I found out at 6 this morning in the dark when I slipped and fell in it. FML

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By HelpMe - 25/2/2014 09:59 - United Kingdom - Galashiels

Today, my mum asked me how the guinea pig was doing. We don't have a guinea pig. Turns out she had volunteered me to look after the next door neighbor's guinea pig when they were away and 'forgot' to tell me. They have been gone two weeks. FML

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By yellowjacket_34 - 13/11/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I was a TA watching the class take a test. I didn't realize that the projector was still on while I was searching the Internet. They watched me google "chronic itchy anus". FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2014 04:53 - United States - Muncie

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. After breaking the news to my parents, I heard my dad mutter when I left, "Damn it, I liked her better than him." My mother didn't protest. FML

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By ... - 10/2/2010 09:08 - United States

Today, my pissed off girlfriend used window marker to write racist comments on my car window. This would include: nazi symbols, white power, and a few others I won't mention. I live in a predominately black neighborhood. FML

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By kherien - 12/8/2012 17:31 - United States

Today, I realized that if I died tomorrow, the only photos available for my funeral would be crappy family Christmas portraits, acne-filled yearbook photos, and several pictures from my MySpace days, where I'm sporting coontails and looking paler than Edward Cullen's ass. FML

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By sucksforme - 12/9/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I parked in front of a grocery store and took the portable GPS system off the mount on the dashboard and put it in my pocket so no one would break into my car and steal it. When I got back, the window was smashed and someone had stolen the plastic mount. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2010 15:38 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of five and a half years to family dinner at a restaurant. After we all had finished dessert, I got down on one knee, pulled out my great grandmother's ring and proposed. The entire restaurant was dead silent. She looked around and then slowly walked out. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2013 16:23 - United States - Mulino

Today, while I was pet-sitting for my boyfriend's parents, one of their dogs killed one of their kittens. FML

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By ow - 17/1/2010 05:25 - United States

Today, I learned that when you put duct tape over your mouth because you are bored, it really hurts taking it off. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2012 21:13 - France

Today, I paid a social visit to my grandparents. While we were watching the news, a story came on about the Queen of England. I scoffed, "How is she not dead already? How old is she, anyway?" My grandmother replied, "About my age." Oops. FML

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By makinascene - 5/2/2009 10:05 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office because I was sick. The male nurse led me back and when he weighed me, he said "Why do I get all the beefy girls today?". FML

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Top comments

By strawberrywine22 | 27

#5332571 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:02

If singing along to Adele is your way of grieving over your lost relationship, I'm with your mother. Maybe you should stick to boyfriends that require AA batteries.

By ballbearing | 10

#5332560 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:00

Your mom is right.

COMMENTS

By Starcatch77 | 20

#5332557 - Monday 21 January 2013 1:59

Great Mom.

By ballbearing | 10

#5332560 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:00

Your mom is right.

By strawberrywine22 | 27

#5332571 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:02

If singing along to Adele is your way of grieving over your lost relationship, I'm with your mother. Maybe you should stick to boyfriends that require AA batteries.

Reply

skoob1 | 12

#5332846 - Monday 21 January 2013 5:19

Yes, because an alcoholic anonymous meeting is definitely a great place to find a keeper. At least they're trying!

Reply

spaboolly | 26

#5332853 - Monday 21 January 2013 5:24

49- If your attempts at jokes leave people thinking "What the hell is this guy talking about?" then you should probably work on your humor.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5332869 - Monday 21 January 2013 5:43

I think most people will understand the joke, being that it isnt very clever at all. it just sucks.

Reply

Quidikic | 9

#5332913 - Monday 21 January 2013 6:40

Yes, quite. Your creativity with said initialism is oh so clever.

By ScaryyMary | 14

#5332575 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:03

Your mom is ridiculous. Vibrators can't buy you presents or dinner.

Reply

ElatedEarthling | 15

#5332623 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:20

But boyfriends can't vibrate...

Reply

ScaryyMary | 14

#5332629 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:24

Solution: date a robot.

Reply

ElatedEarthling | 15

#5332636 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:26

Or someone with sex-induced epilepsy.

Reply

LilRob58 | 5

#5332873 - Monday 21 January 2013 5:45

Some of us can vibrate.....

Reply

Quidikic | 9

#5332915 - Monday 21 January 2013 6:42

53- Yeah, what if we would spend an hour in a freezer before sex?

Hint hint, ladies.

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5332950 - Monday 21 January 2013 7:32

...depends on how frozen solid the member is.

By Kal3Y | 12

#5332577 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:03

Maybe she was trying to help with some tough love? Either way, sorry OP:(

By tomhofer | 14

#5332579 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:04

We could of had it alllllllllll rolling in the deeeeeeeeeeppppp

Reply

ScaryyMary | 14

#5332591 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:06

I always wondered what that song meant...

By sarbear293 | 4

#5332583 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:04

Well, maybe she's right

By Coop817 | 19

#5332586 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:05

Nothing beats advise from the wise

Reply

Coop817 | 19

#5332805 - Monday 21 January 2013 4:43

*Advice
Wow

By theycallmekitty | 13

#5332593 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:07

Tell her you can't use your mouth on yourself.

Reply

Ohitsariel | 25

#6541556 - Sunday 21 February 2016 5:37

That's probably not something you should say to your mother....

By zandalee | 19

#5332595 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:08

Sounds like a pretty cool Mum to me.
Vibrators don't argue, never leave the loo seat up, never hog the remote, can be extremely flexible, ;) and never tell you your bum looks big. Get one!

Reply

ScaryyMary | 14

#5332605 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:11

Yeah, but you try to take one into a movie theatre with you and all of a sudden you're a pervert.

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#5332635 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:26

Maybe we're going to the wrong theaters, Mary.

Reply

ScaryyMary | 14

#5332641 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:27

Pee Wee Herman WAS my childhood hero, after all...

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5332956 - Monday 21 January 2013 7:36

...Hey I just discovered another way to use a vibrator! Turn it on, put it between the mattress and the base - instant vibrating bed! Very soothing. Of course it does help to have a vibrator with industrial strength and durability...

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#5333016 - Monday 21 January 2013 9:16

You could always invest in Magic Fingers. I hear there's still a few out there.