Health: Today, after a very heartfelt conversation with my mother, I...

By Anonymous - 20/01/2013 00:46 - United Kingdom

Today, after a very heartfelt conversation with my mother, I promised her that I'd quit smoking. I walked in on her smoking my cigarettes an hour later. Her excuse was that she didn't want my money to have gone to waste. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 090

You deserved it 4 015

Health

Batman

It never rains…

Thanks for the support

GERD Gang!

By Lucyferia Michelle - 09/04/2021 11:00

Today, I learned that I have multiple gallstones, even though the lab report said I only had one. However, the pain is both in my left side and right side, as well as around my navel. I also have Chronic GERD and IBS. FML

I agree, your life sucks 816

You deserved it 57

Deniers

By La theRona - 05/08/2021 17:01 - United States

Today, I’m the only one in my family who's ever taken Covid seriously. This seemed to really annoy my siblings, so much so that they chased me, pulled off my mask, and dramatically coughed all over me. We’re all adults and though they found it hilarious, I’ve been having panic attacks all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 094

You deserved it 394

By Anonymous - 22/09/2012 06:24 - United States

Today, my boss told me his cancer test results came back positive. I congratulated him and asked how he planned to celebrate. It turns out a positive cancer test result is a bad thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 742

You deserved it 62 457

By shorty4 - 13/07/2012 14:36 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend, who is a fully-grown man, that making dinosaur noises in public is no longer acceptable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 287

You deserved it 7 655

By socianx - 18/08/2013 21:23 - Albania

Today, I was to give a business report to several important shareholders. Right at the start, I broke into a coughing fit, then got so nervous that I froze up. When I tried to excuse myself, I tripped over my own feet. I'm now facing demotion for making the company look bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 095

You deserved it 5 653

By Imgonnahaveabf - 05/01/2012 12:06 - United States

Today, my parents got a new dog. It attacks me every time I laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 343

You deserved it 3 591

Weird family

By Anonymous - 25/02/2021 08:01 - United States - Gloucester

Today, my dad asked my mom to flash him. He didn't forget I was in the room, he just couldn't be bothered to wait. My mom obliged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 050

You deserved it 138

By Crystal - 08/03/2010 21:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I showed my fiancé the darling Tinkerbell hoodie I'd bought myself during the weekend. Instead of liking it as I'd hoped, he told me my childish wardrobe was embarrassing, and he wasn't going to be seen in public with me until I wore something different. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 894

You deserved it 51 834

Stay safe, wear a hazmat suit

By Davey Crocker - 23/04/2020 08:00

Today, my coworker volunteered me to drop laptops off at two sites outside our normal areas. I asked if they were safe from COVID-19. "I don't know, but you're young. You'll be okay," responded the man who's been working from home for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 509

You deserved it 170

The things we do for family…

By taylor_b22 - 13/09/2021 11:01

Today, I agreed to spend the evening walking around an antique tractor show for my dad and sons, but I’m bleeding too much to stay out of the bathroom more than an hour. I’m violently ill from it, and I already have a bum knee and asthma, so I don’t know how I’m going to pull this off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 816

You deserved it 100

By Anonymous - 09/07/2012 01:29 - United States

Today, I had a violent sneezing attack while changing my phone's password and now I have no idea what it could be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 810

You deserved it 5 025

That slaps!

By Kelli - 08/04/2020 02:00

Today, the whole time my husband and I had sex, my stomach flab violently slapped my thighs. The harder he pumped, the louder the slapping got. Time to lose some weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 351

You deserved it 906

By Opplyst11 - 18/03/2009 20:37 - United States

Today, I was nude modeling for the first time for a life art class. The only criteria for the class was that I not move at all while being observed. After a few seconds I noticed a really hot girl drawing me. I got a hard on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 139

You deserved it 30 430

By Blackberry - 10/07/2009 19:15 - Canada

Today, I paid $80 to change my cell number because my ex-girlfriend had been stalking me. To inform all of my friends of the change, I sent a mass text message to everyone in my phonebook. Including my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 740

You deserved it 83 004

By Anonymous - 02/08/2010 01:59 - United States

Today, I pretended to go for a run to impress someone on AIM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 185

You deserved it 38 937

By retail can shart a cock - 09/01/2016 05:25 - United States

Today, a customer's credit card was declined. His totally reasonable reaction was to threaten to put a bullet in the back of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 808

You deserved it 1 294

By just me - 13/05/2012 18:54 - Germany - Overath

Today, I argued heavily with my dad over being dragged to a family game of lacrosse. All through the game, he kept "accidentally" hurling the ball straight at me on the sideline. After he eventually nailed me straight in the heart, he screamed at me to "get out of the fucking way". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 119

You deserved it 3 462

I'm not, but…

By Queerbait - 05/11/2015 06:52 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend's mother insisted she's not homophobic, but however people only 'turn gay' because they were sexually abused, or are 'making it up to get attention'. She informed me I'm the former and my girlfriend is the latter. Uh huh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 755

You deserved it 2 398

By lol smiley face - 28/11/2009 15:57 - United States

Today, I woke up feeling awesome. I turned to face the sunrise in the window, and as I stretched and let out a big yawn. Only for my boyfriend to say "Baby, turn back over. Your breath smells like turds." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 760

You deserved it 10 399

What a catch

By Anonymous - 30/09/2021 02:00 - Australia

Today, rather than get me a birthday present, my boyfriend just got angry that I got gifts from other people. Apparently, it "made him feel guilty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 082

You deserved it 86

By Allenburg - 18/01/2009 01:38 - United States

Today, the guy I've had a crush on for a while called me and asked me over. I took a cab to his place and when I got there he was dressed in leather and wore a mask... It took me a 20 dollar cab fare to realize my crush is a freak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 652

You deserved it 7 471

By killme - 29/02/2016 07:00 - Canada - Belleville

Today, I had to pee in a cup. The cup almost overflowed. My first instinct was to drink some so it didn't spill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 522

You deserved it 23 459

By musicislife1337 - 08/01/2012 07:24 - Canada

Today, I received numerous text messages from my parents asking where I was and how worried they are. I was in my room, they didn't even notice me walk in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 996

You deserved it 3 080

By jobless - 06/11/2014 02:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, for the first time since I can remember, I went in to work feeling positive, and that I could make good things happen. At the end of the day, my employment was terminated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 972

You deserved it 3 217

Malding

By ptwm - 25/01/2010 20:10 - United States

Today, while vainly running a comb through my balding hair, I noticed a hair sticking out of my nose. I yanked it out, and the pain made me tear up a little. It was an inch long. I'm 24 and beginning to have more hair in my nose than on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 553

You deserved it 2 922

By chubrubber - 04/09/2016 18:57 - United States - Bronx

Today, I participated in a walk for charity. Even though I was supposed to walk 5K, I stopped after 3K because the pain from my thighs rubbing together nearly sent me to tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 985

You deserved it 2 340

By mu5icadd1ct - 08/07/2016 13:22

Today, my sister stole my bike and gave it to her boyfriend. When I told my parents, they said it was fine, because I wasn't using it anyway. The reason I wasn't using it was because it needed a new tire, and I was saving up for one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 563

You deserved it 886

Masterchef 2020

By Reggie - 28/10/2020 13:58 - United States - Tahlequah

Today, I went to make chilli and instead of just using 3 cups of water like the recipe called for, I ended up using 3 quarts somehow. Now I have a pot of hot and spicy meat water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 407

You deserved it 1 190

By nofatchicks - 12/05/2014 23:49 - United States - Tampa

Today, I nervously flirted with a very cute guy. Being a little overweight, I rarely think cute guys will go for me. This line of thinking was yet again correct when he casually pulled his sleeve up revealing a tattoo of a pinup girl with a "NO FAT CHICKS" sign below it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 704

You deserved it 7 817

By illiterate - 17/06/2011 04:16 - Australia

Today, my boss gave me an "All you need to know about grammar" book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 196

You deserved it 32 941

By prevostsrocklike - 11/05/2009 12:38 - United States

Today, I gave my wife a cat. The first thing it did when it got out of the box was scratch the sh*t out of my leg. Next, it ran up to my wife and purred. She said, "Good cat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 922

You deserved it 10 519

By Mike Messenger - 05/10/2013 13:51 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I moved into a new house, I couldn't help but notice a car alarm going off, so I investigated my neighbors. Turns out it's their bird. It imitates chainsaws, car alarms, and much more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 613

You deserved it 3 442

By hellolaina - 27/06/2016 16:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I realized that without fail, even if I'm not supposed to get it, I get my period just in time for vacations. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 874

You deserved it 1 369

By BillLumberg - 03/02/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I released a noxious, unforgiving fart in my cubicle not thinking anything of it. You know, one of those sulfurous clouds you get the morning after a few good beers. Moments later, my manager walks in to talk about work. It's 7:30 in the morning, no one else is around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 571

You deserved it 24 731

By fmfb - 07/06/2011 23:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got into my Facebook and changed our relationship status to single just to see which of my friends would "like" it. After revealing to me what she did, she now says I can no longer be friends with anyone who liked it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 579

You deserved it 6 249

By highschoolgrad - 08/06/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, my family and I were about to watch the video my dad took of me walking across the stage at my high school graduation. Turns out he recorded the wrong kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 157

You deserved it 3 102

The Shining

By Anonymous - 30/03/2020 14:00

Today, I was babysitting my 4-year-old twin brothers yet again. I began to get desperate when they took my phone and would start crying every time I tried to take it back. My mother found me thirty minutes later, huddled in a corner, crying. I'm 27 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 943

You deserved it 1 244

By Anonymous - 27/05/2012 07:42 - United States - Fresno

Today, I had three things converge that should never be together: my period, hot doctor, and a colonoscopy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 737

You deserved it 3 012

By je_regrette_tout - 09/03/2013 18:50 - France - Livry-gargan

Today, a technician from my ISP came to my house to replace my router. He asked for a glass of water, one thing led to another, and for some reason I'll never fully understand, we ended up having sex. Looks like porn logic is not so far off the mark after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 158

You deserved it 66 069

Mixing it up

By Anonymous - 26/09/2011 18:20 - United States

Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 782

You deserved it 48 735

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Top comments

Bluekaren16 19

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Sunday 20 January 2013 9:26

The promise didn't include her not smoking. But she should still set the example.

Pleonasm 35

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Sunday 20 January 2013 9:29

Sounds like something out of a bad sitcom. Now we just need a shitty laugh-track to make everything more absurd. Come on, guys, join with me. (HAHahahahaha HAah ahahha aahaa)

pradip 26

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Sunday 20 January 2013 9:23

That blows OP, your mom sucks. That would've burnt your heart.

browneyedgirl52 13

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Sunday 20 January 2013 15:19

Never tell anyone their mom sucks.

ydi_4_suking 20

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Sunday 20 January 2013 15:49

But sometimes people's mom suck #30

billyz77 24

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Sunday 20 January 2013 21:01

I think he might have been trying to make a joke about OP's mother "sucking" on a cigarette. Maybe?

Yourheadache 19

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Sunday 20 January 2013 9:25

Well cigarettes are expensive. ;)

connerwonner 7

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Sunday 20 January 2013 14:17

Wait was there an implied message there? Why the ;)?

Bluekaren16 19

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Sunday 20 January 2013 9:26

The promise didn't include her not smoking. But she should still set the example.

PenguinBitch 43

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Sunday 20 January 2013 9:27

Well my mother always told me never to waste food because I'm lucky enough to have a meal while others are not. So I suppose this is what your mother is aiming at. Nah, she really didn't want those 7 dollars lost.

happle 21

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Sunday 20 January 2013 18:37

Does that mean she made you eat every bit of food on your plate? That's how kids get fat. Why not just make less food or use Tupperware or something?

Pleonasm 35

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Sunday 20 January 2013 9:29

Sounds like something out of a bad sitcom. Now we just need a shitty laugh-track to make everything more absurd. Come on, guys, join with me. (HAHahahahaha HAah ahahha aahaa)

Pleonasm 35

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Sunday 20 January 2013 9:40

Just like all those sound effects they use and re-use in the movies. Like the Wilhelm Scream. Just some poor old dead man screaming his death cry over and over again for our entertainment. Depressing really.

crazytwinsmom 25

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Sunday 20 January 2013 9:50

There's still a lot of people still alive that could have been on those laugh tracks in the 50s.

KillerPotato 14

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Sunday 20 January 2013 9:56

Not everybody from the 1950's is dead. Where did you get that logic?

paulpings 6

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Sunday 20 January 2013 10:22

That's ok, some of the programs it looks like we are watching dead people act

SeepingSarcasm 7

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Sunday 20 January 2013 10:29

Not everyone from the 1950's has to be dead to make 7's statement true. It is save too assume that atleast two of those people from the 50's recording are indeed dead. And therefore it is correct to say we are listening to dead people laugh. So that is probably where his logic came from.

Epickitty58 29

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Sunday 22 March 2015 19:14

Me and my friend read this together and started sarcastically laughing

lilhellian 26

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Sunday 20 January 2013 9:29

Drink her alcohol for the same reason...

His_Holiness 18

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Sunday 20 January 2013 19:39

The alcohol is innocent in this!

SmallBean 12

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Sunday 20 January 2013 9:39

Just because she might not take care of herself, doesn't mean she doesn't want the best for you. However, I do believe she could've instead given those cigarettes to the needy. Like that one bum on the streets!... oh wait..nevermind.

SasaCeceGogo 18

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Sunday 20 January 2013 9:40

Take her pads and say you didn't want them to go to waste.

PenguinBitch 43

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Sunday 20 January 2013 9:47

That'll just be another FML for OP.

CrissyyyS2 22

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Sunday 20 January 2013 9:50

Her excuse is a lie! She wanted you to quit smoking so she can smoke your cigs! Although, she should have quit with you too...

SillyGirl4602 23

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Sunday 20 January 2013 9:51

If your mother has been smoking for a long time then it might be harder for her to quit. Talk to her. Maybe you two can quit together. Keep each other motivated.