Today, after a trip to my doctor I found out that my recent mood...

By oldlady - 8/11/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, after a trip to my doctor I found out that my recent mood swings and hot flashes are the result of a hormonal imbalance that mimics the effects of menopause. I'm a 17 year old guy. FML

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Health

This is fine

A beautiful truck decoration

Recycling helps

By sam_666777 - 30/8/2014 02:54 - United States - Farmingdale

Today, my 8 year old son asked me why he had to make his bed everyday if he would just use it again. I replied with, "You flush the toilet even though you're going to use it again, right?" He said, "Good point." Now he's not making his bed or flushing the toilet. FML

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By Ouch - 29/7/2009 05:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that I look better in different kinds of light. I asked him which kind of light I looked best in. His reply? "No light at all." FML

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By mandy16 - 4/9/2010 03:43

Today, I got my wisdom teeth taken out. The two male doctors told me they'd give me anesthesia, but when they did, I could still hear them. I heard them talking about my breasts and how flat they were for a 17 year old. FML

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By JG - 10/5/2012 11:48 - United States - Melbourne

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to announce to the class that I finally got a girlfriend. I received a standing ovation. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2019 06:03

I am the law

Today I got a ticket for driving on the wrong side of the road. It was a one-way street. FML

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By MickeyDManager - 3/8/2009 15:08 - United States

Today, I found out that the girl I tutored in high school in basic ENGLISH just received her PhD in Biophysics. I am now the manager of a McDonald's. I was also the Valedictorian of our graduating class. FML

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By - 23/12/2019 18:00

After vacation

Today, I got back from vacation and walked in on my boyfriend and my brother in my bed. FML

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By weirdthingtosay - 21/11/2014 09:56 - United States - Kalama

Today, I was getting to second base with a really hot guy, but I couldn't stop laughing when he said my boobs were "soft like cake." He got so embarrassed that he lost his boner. FML

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By fuckshit - 4/11/2014 14:01

Today, I witnessed a hit-and-run. I used my phone to write down the license plate for the police. However, I didn't notice that my phone had autocorrected the number. FML

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By cinemasaddo - 25/9/2013 22:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I was let down for a movie date. As I'd already paid for the tickets, I got my narcoleptic sister to come and sit next to me while she slept, so it didn't look like I came on my own. FML

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By zerom - 23/7/2011 00:52 - France

Today, I was discussing the traffic with my brother. He said the most common car colour is red. I said it was black. We ended up betting €100 on which three vehicles of either colour would pass by our house first. It seems a convoy of fire trucks had somewhere to be in a hurry. FML

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By quarantine15 - 28/4/2020 14:00

Oh, so sexy

Today, I tried to be sexy and asked my husband of 6 years if he wanted to "put a baby in me." He shook the recent belly fat I gained and asked, "Is there room for a baby in there?" FML

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By HappyBirthday - 28/5/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, it was my friend's birthday. She's been having problems with most of her friends besides me lately, so I wanted to do something special. I brought her a cake. Me and her were the only ones to have any. It gave us both food poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2010 16:56 - United States

Today, I admitted to my mother that I've had sex with my boyfriend. She seemed to handle it well, but when my boyfriend came over, she condemned him to hell in between asking him what he would like to have for dinner. FML

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By aeterne - 8/4/2009 06:08 - United States

Today, my boss informed me that it is now my responsibility to wash the dishes, since my co-workers are consistently too lazy to clean up after themselves. I have a bachelor's degree. Which I earned at the same university I now work at. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 22:43 - United States - Lahaina

Today, I learned that despite having told them two years ago, my parents still aren't accepting of me being gay. I found this out when my mom called and asked if I was "cured" yet. FML

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By Miki - 16/12/2012 23:57 - United States - Kenner

Today, after several years spent hung up on my ex, I was finally moving on. I was on a date with my new boyfriend when my ex walked past us. He broke down crying, got on his knees, and begged me to come back. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2014 12:28 - United States - Berkeley

Taste test

Today, my husband decided to put different condiments on my body to make our sex better. I was thinking whipped cream; he was feeling ketchup. FML

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By OuchImAMoron - 29/11/2013 02:05 - United States - Old Bridge

Today, I was cleaning a pocketknife when I noticed a spider on my leg. My first reaction was to stab it. FML

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By heartbroken - 10/7/2013 19:08 - Australia

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of over a year has been cheating on me the whole time, but that "it's just physical". However, he doesn't want to do anything "physical" with me, except cuddle when we're together. FML

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By no money anymore - 18/1/2012 03:31 - United States

Today, I hosted a "Night Out Against Crime" party at our local park. Only three people came, they robbed our fundraiser booth. FML

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By RedWaters - 6/3/2013 20:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started coming onto me, despite me being on my period. He said it was okay, and we went to his bedroom. He told me to spread my legs as he spread his hands. Thinking it'd be sexy, I did. He then yelled, "I AM MOSES! I PART THE RED SEA!" and broke down in laughter. FML

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By pookie99 - 17/6/2011 02:17 - United States

Today, I went to sell my wedding rings, due to the fact that I'm getting divorced from a man who cheated on me. The jeweler informed me that the stone in my engagement ring is fake. I won't even be able to cover the divorce costs from the proceeds. FML

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By AtLeastIGetOvertime - 2/8/2019 14:00 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I asked my supervisor if I could take a week off next month to go visit family. He laughed and said, "That's funny, I've put you down for extra time that week, so you can cover my shifts while I go to Spain!" FML

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By SoDamnBroke - 28/9/2016 13:13 - South Africa

Today, I secured a tender for my boss, earning her 1/4 million in profits. Today is also meant to be pay-day for us, but my boss is too busy dealing with the tender to pay her employees. So essentially, I made my boss rich while remaining broke and in debt. FML

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By Scarred Nephew - 10/5/2016 22:28 - United States - Allen

Today, I surprise-visited my uncle after not seeing him for 4 years because of college. When he opened the door to his house, he was wearing Crocs. Of course, that would have been completely fine if it weren't for the fact that they were the only thing he was wearing. FML

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By TraumatizedMother - 2/10/2011 07:27 - United States

Today, my six-year-old got in an argument with my four-year-old. I told them to go outside. The next thing I know, my son was standing in front of his sister's burning Barbie's Malibu Dream House, singing "Burn Baby Burn" and cackling madly. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 06:06 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for Christmas. He then told me that he would only tell me if I promised not to get mad, so I agreed. He told me that he wants me to start working out because I'm getting fat. FML

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By Obi-Wan - 8/9/2019 04:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Pink Lightsaber

Today, I walked in on my 17 year-old son masturbating. He froze, raised his hand and tried to use the "force" to remove the memory. I'm regretting ever having let him watch Star Wars. FML

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By Jota - 23/10/2017 19:00

Today, I was doing a job interview on Skype when my roommate decided to reboot the wireless router because "the internet was too slow". The interviewer didn't bother calling again. FML

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By Spanky - 23/1/2009 11:36 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with a friend and her grandma. Her grandma was using toothpicks and dropping them on the ground next to our popcorn bucket. I took a big handful of popcorn, and was fortunate enough to get a piece of her toothpick lodged in my throat. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2009 15:39 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my boss' kids. I brought chocolate for them and the youngest said he had never had chocolate and didn't want any. I told him he should always try new things and should eat it. He did. He's allergic. FML

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By anonymous - 29/12/2010 01:21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me 80 times in 5 minutes. I had previously told him I was with my friends. He left me a voicemail proposing saying he loved me to death and he was crying. We've been dating for a week. FML

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By Jeff - 2/8/2019 04:00 - United States

Today, after a stay at the hospital for two broken legs, I finally got home and attempted to relax. My dad went to hand me the remote and dropped it right on my nuts. FML

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By Noname - 17/3/2009 10:16 - United States

Today, I was walking through Macy's with my girlfriend. I stopped to admire a mannequin's ass, joking with my girlfriend like I was touching it. Then I slapped it. It wasn't a mannequin. FML

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By kiwichick4life - 30/7/2013 16:42 - United States - Pickerington

Today, I was pretending to be a ballerina. I was dancing around my room, making a complete dick of myself. I eventually caught sight of a pair of guys grinning and filming me with their cellphones through my window. FML

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By someoneelsessaliva - 5/6/2010 06:59 - Australia

Today, my two friends and I went to the movies. One of my friends brought my crush. They started making out, leaning over the armrest, until they were practically in my lap. Saliva got on my arm. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2016 04:56 - United States - Sandown

Today, my boss sent me a message about a project, via WhatsApp. It's my day off, so I figured it could wait till I was able to give a flying fuck. Literally a minute later, he was spamming me, demanding to know why I'd left him as read and reminding me that he has firing powers. FML

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By notaman - 11/2/2016 18:12 - United States - Marion

Today, I found out my insurance company denied my claim because they had me marked down as "male" and yet also pregnant. I now have to prove to them that I'm actually a woman. FML

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By Jen - 9/11/2010 03:36 - Australia

Today, I arrived home to find I'd been broken in to. The culprit? An obese homeless man, who I found face down, unconscious, and surrounded by muesli bar wrappers in my pantry. He broke in, ate everything in sight, soiled himself, and passed out. The worst part? The cops don't even believe me. FML

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Top comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#660475 - Sunday 8 November 2009 9:35

...trapped in the body of a 50 year old cougar.

By Ninjaface | 0

#660497 - Sunday 8 November 2009 9:56

On the bright side you skipped mimicing menstruation.

COMMENTS

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#660475 - Sunday 8 November 2009 9:35

...trapped in the body of a 50 year old cougar.

nabzilla | 0

#660547 - Sunday 8 November 2009 11:02

hahaha.

Ajjas013 | 6

#660751 - Sunday 8 November 2009 15:53

There is also such thing as male breast cancer. But it's rare and so is your condition... Probably.

Bran_Dizzle_ | 0

#665109 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 3:43

LMFAO

ryguy997 | 0

#936658 - Thursday 11 March 2010 19:35

stay away from licorice an #7 recycleable bottles since both contain estrogen.

zach205 | 24

#6075235 - Saturday 27 September 2014 14:02

57 a lot of stuff does, the natural male body has estrogen even, just as females naturally has testosterone

By Blaid_fml | 0

#660487 - Sunday 8 November 2009 9:44

lol word

By KWifey305 | 0

#660493 - Sunday 8 November 2009 9:50

lmao

By brndnftwiiin | 3

#660495 - Sunday 8 November 2009 9:53

lmfao, f4il.

xCrackerx | 3

#660504 - Sunday 8 November 2009 10:02

Just like your comment.

nabzilla | 0

#660549 - Sunday 8 November 2009 11:03

hahaha agreed!

By Ninjaface | 0

#660497 - Sunday 8 November 2009 9:56

On the bright side you skipped mimicing menstruation.

Aha09 | 1

#660707 - Sunday 8 November 2009 14:58

That's always a positive! ;D

dudeitsdanny | 9

#661490 - Monday 9 November 2009 1:44

No, that was before FML was even around.
"Today, blood came out of my penis. It's not an infection of any sort. I have ovaries and a period. FML."

By Fluffy_homan | 0

#660499 - Sunday 8 November 2009 9:57

r u sure your a male? have you checked if there's junk in your pants? and r u sure you wernt lied to as a child about your age?

ShadyJeff | 0

#660985 - Sunday 8 November 2009 19:19

what? lied about his age?

also english please.

dudeitsdanny | 9

#661492 - Monday 9 November 2009 1:46

Yeah, lied to about his age.
As in, he's really 50.
And possibly a woman.

OP:Were you in a comatose state for a longgggggggg time?

By bosshaug | 0

#660513 - Sunday 8 November 2009 10:12

Ahh, finally stopping that monthy ritual females call menstration?
Good move

By Peroxide | 3

#660514 - Sunday 8 November 2009 10:14

I smell a hilarious sitcom in the making...

isantorin | 0

#660538 - Sunday 8 November 2009 10:48

before everyone starts screaming about how insensitive it is in one way or another, at least.

By fuckyoufuckers | 0

#660580 - Sunday 8 November 2009 11:44

"I'm a 17 year old guy"
Yeah right buddy.

By stupiddumbblonde | 0

#660597 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:07

epic.