Today, after a trip to my doctor I found out that my recent mood...

By oldlady - 8/11/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, after a trip to my doctor I found out that my recent mood swings and hot flashes are the result of a hormonal imbalance that mimics the effects of menopause. I'm a 17 year old guy. FML

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Health

Boozehound

Body issues

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By nnniii - 16/11/2015 04:55 - United States - Seattle

Today, I tried to give my first hand-job while wearing fuzzy socks in a carpeted room. I reached out to touch his penis and shocked him. FML

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By Jorgina226 - 11/8/2010 16:33 - United States

Today, I found my old sewing machine I got when I was a kid. I never used it before, because when I was younger, I was afraid I might sew my fingers. Laughing at myself, I decided to sew up an old bag. I sewed my thumb. FML

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By TomPom - 25/11/2008 06:54 - France

Today, in one of the corridors at university, I was pretending to have passionate sex with one of my lecturers to make my mates laugh. She happened to walk by just at that moment. She reminded me when my next exam is; she will be marking me. FML

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By Poor as fuck - 29/5/2019 22:07

With friends like these…

Today, I stayed with a friend because I was recently kicked out of my home and had nowhere to go. When I went out for job applications, she asked, "Can you pick me up a pack of smokes?" and then got mad that I didn't have the money, calling me selfish. FML

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By the boogieman mom - 27/11/2018 14:00

Today, I found out that eating too much cheese really can cause nightmares. I had a cheese sandwich before bed and woke up later to the nightmarish sight of my mother-in-law standing over me with a suitcase. She had a big argument with her husband and wants to stay with us for a few weeks. FML

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By Heifer - 16/5/2009 21:41 - United States

Today, when done feeding my newborn, I stated to my husband that I'm a cow. He said, in a sincere tone, "Oh, baby, you'll lose the weight soon." I meant cow because I'm producing so much milk. FML

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By shouldveknown - 27/1/2011 20:15 - Canada

Today, I found out that the money my boyfriend has "secretly" been putting away for the last two months is not for an engagement ring like I'd thought, but for a trip to Vegas I'm not invited to. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, I took my driving test. Completing the test, we returned and parked at the testing facility. As my tester was complimenting me, I leaned down to wind my window up, catching my long hair in the window. Frantically thrashing, I put the car in drive and floored it into a concrete wall. FML

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By Catfish - 29/3/2018 01:30

Today, I met the "cute guy" I've been chatting with online for a few months. He never smiled in pics, but I didn't think anything of it until I got to his place and he started talking. He didn't have a single tooth in his mouth. FML

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By jcooh0lla - 24/7/2009 21:30 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he suddenly stopped and walked to the kitchen. He decided to bake chocolate chip cookies in the midst of our intimacy. However, he told me we could still continue while the oven preheated. FML

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By thedeerman - 17/9/2011 04:39 - United States

Today, I found out my wife and three daughters all have their period on seperate weeks. I now have no break from yelling. FML

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By badplacerightnow - 13/10/2014 14:15 - United States - Frisco

Today, it's the first birthday of the condom in my pocket. FML

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By CantPublish - 15/1/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, during swimming in PE, I kept noticing a stinging feeling on my scrotum. Every time I jumped into the water I would feel a sharp stab. After the full hour of hell, I went to the bathroom and looked in my new trunks. The designer had left their sewing needle in the crotch netting. FML

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By poor - 5/8/2019 16:01 - United States

Childish Gambino voice This is America

Today, my obnoxious neighbor once again bragged how much she gets from the government because she’s "too fat to work." Meanwhile, I had to start a gofundme after I couldn't afford dialysis from having to cut work hours so I could go to dialysis. FML

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By nothanks - 22/8/2010 13:42 - United States

Today, after struggling with an eating disorder and hiding my symptoms for months, I got up the courage to tell my mom that I need help. Then she asked if an ice cream would make me feel better. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2016 14:05

Today, I tried to change my usually stoic behaviour and be friendly to a coworker. Now she is convinced that I finally went insane and intend to murder her. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2020 02:00

Tactician

Today, in the most polite and friendly way I could think of, I told a friend that she's slightly too dramatic about things. She started throwing a fit, deleted my number, and ended our seven-year friendship. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 07:09 - United States

Today, it's the 3 month anniversary marking the day two friends and I shaved our heads as a show of solidarity for a friend starting chemo. Her prognosis is good and her hair only thinned slightly. We, on the other hand, look like a motley crew of lesbian biker chicks. FML

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By fuck off, eh! - 7/3/2014 21:25 - Canada - Milton

Today, my hippy nutjob of a roommate threw a bitch fit at me, all because he saw me chopping down a tree in Minecraft. FML

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By Saduglydad - 12/12/2012 16:05 - United States - Houston

Today, my daughter wore my favorite Christmas sweater to an ugly sweater party. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2011 12:53 - United States

Today, I had a violent coughing fit while at the store, which caused a lady to think I was choking, grab me from behind and start doing the Heimlich maneuver incorrectly. She broke two of my ribs. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2009 04:31 - United States

Today, I left my dog alone in the house for ten minutes while I took a shower. When I got out I found a mess of dust all over the floor and her ripping up a package that was supposed to be sent to my aunt. It contained my grandmother's ashes. FML

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By alex - 24/2/2012 21:35 - United States

Today, I tried to make a rocket, using Diet Coke and Mentos. It worked pretty well, as both the kitchen window and my chipped tooth can testify. FML

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By cargaljen - 17/5/2014 21:34 - United States - Olathe

Today, a nice couple came in to buy a car. I offered to drive it out from the line of cars for them, since it was a tight squeeze. They then watched as I managed to back it straight into another car, causing a large amount of damage to both. FML

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By notagain - 7/3/2020 09:01

Grindr danger

Today, while on Grindr, I met a guy who seemed really nice and we hit it off. After chatting for a bit, I received a message from his wife, telling me I'd better leave him alone. This isn't the first time that's happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2011 05:54 - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend in his bedroom. It was getting pretty intense, so he got up to close the door. While he was facing the other way, I took off my bra and sling-shot it so that it would hit him. Right when I let go of it, his mom walked in and it hit her in the face. FML

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By thnxbabe - 22/9/2014 02:11

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our six-month anniversary. And by that, I mean he brought along his obnoxious best friend, and I paid for everyone's dinner at an expensive restaurant. FML

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By 4lphab3t4 - 21/11/2016 15:22

Today, my neighbour almost ran over my little sister, and blamed it on his disability. What disability? He has no sense of smell. FML

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By Quin - 31/5/2019 14:00

Today, I was running around the track at school PE with a lot of other students. I noticed a guy who smelled really bad and I thought to myself how disgusting that was and I felt bad for him. Later, I was changing and caught a whiff of my shirt. It wasn't him who was smelly. FML

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By dumped - 10/3/2010 12:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because apparently I don't appreciate how he's different from other guys. I only told him that showering once a month was not normal. FML

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By Rapunzel - 18/3/2012 20:02 - United States - Tucson

Today, I watched as my step-dad put locks on my window, because he's convinced that I've been sneaking out at night. All my mom did was casually remark that I'm fucked if there's ever a fire. FML

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By Cinnanyan - 2/6/2016 10:20 - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, due to me not looking, I accidentally bit an apple made of styrofoam that was meant to be a part of a display on the kitchen table. My roommates were there and me not wanting to embarrass myself by putting it back, I walked out, apple in hand, to throw it away elsewhere. FML

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By nutsucker - 8/3/2009 19:08 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 7 year old girl and we were eating chocolate covered nuts. She kept on chewing the nuts and wondered where the chocolate was. I told her to taste the chocolate you suck on the nuts. Then her parents came home and the first thing she said was "I learned how to suck nuts!" FML

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By lashless - 22/5/2010 20:32 - United States

Today, while getting ready for a friend's wedding, I was curling my eyelashes. My cat decided to jump onto the towel rod. As I went to catch her, I ripped all the eyelashes out of one eye. I called my boyfriend crying. When he saw me, he laughed and said, "You look really surprised in that eye." FML

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By Potty-Pot - 23/1/2017 10:00

Today, my flatmate took his hour plus long shower while we both tried to get ready for work. I had a choice to wet myself or pee in a cooking pot. I chose the pot. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2015 01:32 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, at a family reunion, my grandpa loudly said that I look like "a cheap Vegas whore" because of my heavy purple eye-shadow. I could tell that a few other people agreed. I was too embarrassed to explain that the "eye-shadow" was just dark circles. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2011 09:14 - Australia

Today, my grandpa came over to help paint our house, as we are renovating it. The only paint clothes he decided to wear were his underpants. The neighbours and builders found this quite amusing. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2012 20:04 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, my boyfriend sat me down for a "confession". His confession consisted of him saying that "women are like a bag of chips," and that while you can love the smokey BBQ flavor, every once in a while you just have to go for some salt and vinegar. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2009 12:27 - France

Today, I gave a beautiful book of baby names to a friend of mine who's been trying to get pregnant for a while. She just burst into tears when she saw it. Just before meeting me, she'd found out she was sterile. FML

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By yashmoshin1 - 17/6/2009 14:06 - United States

Today, I finished the run for a play in which I played a gay man. Now that all the performances are over, I have kissed a man more times in my life than I have kissed a woman. I'm straight. FML

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Top comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#660475 - Sunday 8 November 2009 9:35

...trapped in the body of a 50 year old cougar.

By Ninjaface | 0

#660497 - Sunday 8 November 2009 9:56

On the bright side you skipped mimicing menstruation.

Comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#660475 - Sunday 8 November 2009 9:35

...trapped in the body of a 50 year old cougar.

nabzilla | 0

#660547 - Sunday 8 November 2009 11:02

hahaha.

Ajjas013 | 6

#660751 - Sunday 8 November 2009 15:53

There is also such thing as male breast cancer. But it's rare and so is your condition... Probably.

Bran_Dizzle_ | 0

#665109 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 3:43

LMFAO

ryguy997 | 0

#936658 - Thursday 11 March 2010 19:35

stay away from licorice an #7 recycleable bottles since both contain estrogen.

zach205 | 24

#6075235 - Saturday 27 September 2014 14:02

57 a lot of stuff does, the natural male body has estrogen even, just as females naturally has testosterone

By Blaid_fml | 0

#660487 - Sunday 8 November 2009 9:44

lol word

By KWifey305 | 0

#660493 - Sunday 8 November 2009 9:50

lmao

By brndnftwiiin | 3

#660495 - Sunday 8 November 2009 9:53

lmfao, f4il.

xCrackerx | 3

#660504 - Sunday 8 November 2009 10:02

Just like your comment.

nabzilla | 0

#660549 - Sunday 8 November 2009 11:03

hahaha agreed!

By Ninjaface | 0

#660497 - Sunday 8 November 2009 9:56

On the bright side you skipped mimicing menstruation.

Aha09 | 1

#660707 - Sunday 8 November 2009 14:58

That's always a positive! ;D

dudeitsdanny | 9

#661490 - Monday 9 November 2009 1:44

No, that was before FML was even around.
"Today, blood came out of my penis. It's not an infection of any sort. I have ovaries and a period. FML."

By Fluffy_homan | 0

#660499 - Sunday 8 November 2009 9:57

r u sure your a male? have you checked if there's junk in your pants? and r u sure you wernt lied to as a child about your age?

ShadyJeff | 0

#660985 - Sunday 8 November 2009 19:19

what? lied about his age?

also english please.

dudeitsdanny | 9

#661492 - Monday 9 November 2009 1:46

Yeah, lied to about his age.
As in, he's really 50.
And possibly a woman.

OP:Were you in a comatose state for a longgggggggg time?

By bosshaug | 0

#660513 - Sunday 8 November 2009 10:12

Ahh, finally stopping that monthy ritual females call menstration?
Good move

By Peroxide | 3

#660514 - Sunday 8 November 2009 10:14

I smell a hilarious sitcom in the making...

isantorin | 0

#660538 - Sunday 8 November 2009 10:48

before everyone starts screaming about how insensitive it is in one way or another, at least.

By fuckyoufuckers | 0

#660580 - Sunday 8 November 2009 11:44

"I'm a 17 year old guy"
Yeah right buddy.

By stupiddumbblonde | 0

#660597 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:07

epic.

With friends like these…

*Childish Gambino voice* This is America

Tactician

Grindr danger

Childish Gambino voice This is America