Intimacy: Today, after a party, I brought a girl to the flat I share with... - FML

By Daemon - France

Today, after a party, I brought a girl to the flat I share with my 2 best friends. While we are doing it, she asks me "You're not afraid your friends could hear us?". The only answer that spontaneously came out of my mouth: "Don't worry, they're used to it". FML

I agree, your life sucks

20468

You deserved it

88953

Tweet

Share

Rock, hard place

Co-parenting

Genius, definitely

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at soccer practice. The ground's keeper just aerated the field, and my teammates and I decided to throw the cylindrical clumps of dirt at each other. I got hit in the face with one. It wasn't dirt. It was a clump of wet dog poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50303

You deserved it

13487

Tweet

Share

By tardspawn - United Kingdom - Horsham

Today, my morbidly obese mother gave me an angry lecture at dinner, saying without any trace of irony that my vegetarian diet is "unhealthy and utterly unacceptable". FML

I agree, your life sucks

33496

You deserved it

3963

Tweet

Share

By annoyed - United States

Today, I recieved a phone call from a good guy friend of mine, someone I haven't seen for years. He tells me he has "deep" feelings for me, and wants to know since my husband is deployed, if it would be okay if we "dated" because he told his parents I'm his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36952

You deserved it

2870

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work as a gynecologist, I called in my last patient of the day. As soon as I took a peek, I noticed that she had stuck googly-eyes above her vagina. She told me with a straight face not to be afraid, because "She doesn't bite." FML

I agree, your life sucks

52919

You deserved it

5376

Tweet

Share

By Kyley - United States

Today, I was broken up with via a cereal analogy. Apparently, I'm a Cheerio and all he wants is a Froot Loop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26012

You deserved it

2367

Tweet

Share

By justno

Today, my best friend of 10 years blocked me for no reason. When I went to her house to ask why she did it and apologize for whatever it was, she told me to kill myself and slammed the door. I still don't know what I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4010

You deserved it

304

Tweet

Share

By Fefe - United States

Today, tired of my social anxiety making me look uncool, I told everyone I was going out partying tonight. I'm actually just going to watch 'Jersey Shore' and pretend I'm with the cast. Something even more sad? I'm really excited. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32649

You deserved it

18182

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - El Cajon

Today, my psycho landlord threatened to take me to court if I don't pay my rent on time this month. I'd totally understand if he weren't my father-in-law, and if the reason I didn't pay on time before was because of hospital fees I'd incurred for an emergency appendectomy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24510

You deserved it

2547

Tweet

Share

By takingthebus - United States

Today, my boyfriend got pulled over and arrested for driving with a suspended license. Instead of getting my car impounded, his friend thought he'd do me a favor and drive it back to me. He doesn't know how to drive stick and blew my engine. My boyfriend is in jail and I no longer have a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42151

You deserved it

6510

Tweet

Share

By sostupid - United States

Today, my friend and I drove three hours to attend a U2 concert. We had been psyched about the tickets for weeks because they were awesome seats (my early Christmas present). After a long drive, we get to the venue and I realize in horror that I left tickets at home, on my desk, three hours away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17759

You deserved it

51021

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/12/2020 20:02 - United States

Diaspora

Today, I found out the guy i've been crushing on might be my cousin. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

753

You deserved it

169

Tweet

Share

By copmagnet - United States

Today, I got a $200 bonus at work and was super excited about getting a plane ticket to see my family. On the way back from work I got a $300 speeding ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12470

You deserved it

43316

Tweet

Share

By Wtffmlfs

Modern Family

Today, I dawned on me that my step-dad, who cheated on and is now divorcing my mom, is my favorite family member. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1334

You deserved it

155

Tweet

Share

By Raprotcommander - United States

Today, I used my AA handbook as a beer coaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12260

You deserved it

54205

Tweet

Share

By Timeless - Canada

Today, I decided to brush up on my flirting skills and ask a guy I thought was kind of cute what time it was. He pointed to the very visible watch on my wrist and said "You should know already". FML

I agree, your life sucks

9173

You deserved it

55767

Tweet

Share

By crybaby - United States - Seattle

Today, I went to let my puppy out, and I turned around to see her peeing on the carpet. After getting her outside, I saw my little sister pooping on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11585

You deserved it

812

Tweet

Share

By Username - China

Today, I made a cup of tea at work. Whilst talking to a work mate I took a sip of the tea which I had forgotten was boiling hot and laughed at the same time, causing it to come out of my nose. I have blistered my whole mouth and even burnt my nostrils. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33116

You deserved it

10507

Tweet

Share

By blasted - United States

Today, my girlfriend of almost a year, and to whom I intended to propose on Thanksgiving, dumped me because her husband will be returning from Iraq soon. And he wants to have a "talk" with me. I didn't know she was married. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44159

You deserved it

3855

Tweet

Share

By cowgurl91 - France

Today, I found out that my boyfriend was going to propose to me about three months ago. I was completely surprised and asked why he didn't. At that time, I had told him to stop looking at me like that and go buy me some damn tacos. I was 2 months pregnant then. Now he wants to wait a couple of years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13213

You deserved it

42248

Tweet

Share

By chelserusera - United States

Today, my 3-year-old said, "Mommy, I can share my teddy grahams with you." I said, "Thanks, honey, you're so sweet." And I ate a few. When I popped the last one in my mouth, I said, "Oh no, all gone!" She said, "That's okay, I have more." Then pulled the next handful out of her underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64250

You deserved it

7580

Tweet

Share

By bastard - United States

Today, I went to a nativity play. My husband showed up late and drunk, and I had to explain to him why booming "Yeah! Time to get baby Jesus up in this shit!" when our son was about to go on stage got us kicked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43258

You deserved it

4370

Tweet

Share

By Hellosinglelife - Trinidad and Tobago - Diego Martin

Today, my now ex-girlfriend posted on Facebook that I called her a "fucking bitch". Our mutual friends were all outraged, and demanded that I treat her with respect. What she failed to mention was that I said it after finding out that she's been sleeping with my "best friend" for the past year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51988

You deserved it

3639

Tweet

Share

By dammed - United States

Today, I got a text from my roommate asking me if it was cool that my ex was coming over to console him because he's sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25930

You deserved it

2111

Tweet

Share

By blizzard_of_77 - United States

Today, I was flirting via text with a coworker. Things started getting heated, and I wanted to send her a sexy picture. I asked if she had any suggestions. She said, "Your nuts!" She meant, "YOU'RE nuts." I sent her a photo of my junk. I offended a co-worker with incriminating evidence. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41035

You deserved it

96828

Tweet

Share

By tkghan - United States - Concord

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for no real reason via text message. A few hours later, she updated her relationship status on Facebook to "in a relationship." Her new "boyfriend"? Her cat. A mutual friend commented, "Well, he's better than that idiot you had before." FML

I agree, your life sucks

56185

You deserved it

6123

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend and we were in his car when he burst out crying, I thought it might have been because we had gotten into a huge fight and he felt bad. No, he cried on my shoulder for a half hour because he misses his ex-girlfriend. He's been writing songs about wanting her back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38451

You deserved it

3946

Tweet

Share

By peanuts - United States

Today, my dog is mad at me due to the fact that earlier in the day I ate 2 peanut butter cookies. Apparently, they were his dog treats. I had no idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12154

You deserved it

36043

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a few new fish for my aquarium as presents for my birthday. It just so happened that these fish were carrying diseases that left me with a tank full of dead fish. Happy birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31686

You deserved it

2911

Tweet

Share

By thirddegreeburned - United States - Monroe

Today, I finally made the connection between people in my apartment building flushing their toilets, and my running shower water becoming scalding hot. This wouldn't be quite as bad if there weren't six floors to the building, with twenty units on each. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30205

You deserved it

2606

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Willpower

Today, I started my new health kick: granola for breakfast, salad for lunch and gym after work. I was so proud of myself until I couldn’t take it anymore and binged at McDonald’s. My health kick lasted 11 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

736

You deserved it

1610

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I met my wife's mistress, at the maternity ward in the hospital, after she gave birth to our second child. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25669

You deserved it

2127

Tweet

Share

By Anon. - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend asked me to play dead so he could have sex with my "corpse." FML

I agree, your life sucks

57843

You deserved it

7748

Tweet

Share

By cmendez - United States

Today, my mother who is 75 years old just told me and my sister that we are adopted. I'm 45 years old and my sister is 49. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32766

You deserved it

2289

Tweet

Share

By anda1000douchesscourthispostformistakes - United States - Meriden

Today, I made it onto my boss's shit-list, after pointing out that he'd misspelled "customer" as "costumer" 6 times in his report, and "college education" as "collage education" twice. It'd be a dick move on his part even if making corrections like this weren't part of my damn job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23917

You deserved it

1691

Tweet

Share

By minnEmouse - United States

Today, I met my husband's old high school sweetheart. My mother-in-law introduced me to her as "one of my son's friends." We've been married for over eight years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40302

You deserved it

3231

Tweet

Share

By gj09 - United States

Today, my family sat me down and told me I was spending way too much time with my boyfriend and not enough time with them. My boyfriend has been away in Iraq for six months and just came home a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46606

You deserved it

2572

Tweet

Share

By lovewedge - United States

Today, I was so drunk that my friends put me to bed during a party. Later I find out that while I was passed out two of my friends came in and had sex while I was in the same bed. They tried to use me as a prop. Now my friends call me the love wedge. FML

I agree, your life sucks

72875

You deserved it

23480

Tweet

Share

By assoutofuandme - United States - San Francisco

Today, while riding the train home, I noticed a man who kept looking at me. Annoyed, I told him to be less obvious and to stop staring. He promptly responded, "Bitch, I'm gay, and even I can tell no one would want to look at you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

15073

You deserved it

59219

Tweet

Share

By siighh - Australia

Today, my dad came home from work complaining about all the people he'd seen. He said he doesn't understand why so many people with problems have to confide in him. He's a psychologist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35236

You deserved it

3235

Tweet

Share

By rivercitybarf - United States

Today, I found out that worms in apples aren't something that you just see in cartoons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46610

You deserved it

6874

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Chaith | 16

#38889 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 1:44

Considering this was during a one night stand, I'd say what you said wasn't far off.

By MissCajun | 0

#211887 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 20:28

lmfao thats what you get for being a man whore :)

COMMENTS

By judeneon | 0

#20834 - Sunday 8 March 2009 5:03

#3 present tense dude.

Reply

_TONGAN_ | 5

#1249756 - Monday 16 August 2010 3:35

Hey tour just being honest

By HateGreenPeas | 0

#33993 - Monday 16 March 2009 4:31

hahahaha

Reply

Meegggaaann | 0

#1202102 - Saturday 7 August 2010 4:47

whore.

By Chaith | 16

#38889 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 1:44

Considering this was during a one night stand, I'd say what you said wasn't far off.

Reply

Boomi | 38

#6688487 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 5:53

Pretty much like Barney from "How I Met Your Mother"

By Valencia_fml | 0

#39455 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 4:57

Man, that made me LOL.

By xMooMoox | 0

#72780 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 19:36

You should at least pretend you don't do it often!

By racer_fml | 0

#100394 - Saturday 11 April 2009 0:33

Funny indeed!!! There are lots of reasons why this was the proper answer. But why is that a FML anyway?

By JokestrMike89 | 0

#108914 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 1:17

#6: #5 explains exactly how it is an FML. haha
I was about to say, for how smooth you seem, you can certainly kill a night with a girl. haha

By Sway_fml | 0

#126328 - Monday 20 April 2009 6:30

You have a fork in the road on this situation. If the girl continues and doesn't get bothered by this...do you like what you're getting into or should you be afraid this girl's been around the block or two....lol. And if she stayed and you're cool with her freaky-ness...which I don't think I'll mind....she's def a keeper for future weekends.

Reply

loludeserveit | 0

#1221231 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 8:14

forks have two possible outcomes....

By Sebastian69 | 0

#135646 - Thursday 23 April 2009 7:28

Someone's a clever kid.

By zumiskater | 0

#148583 - Monday 27 April 2009 22:01

nice one dude reeeeeal nice