Today, after a particularly gruesome nightmare about spiders... - FML

By joolsie - 28/2/2010 02:03 - United Kingdom

Today, after a particularly gruesome nightmare about spiders due to my irrational phobia, I decided to try and desensitise myself by googling 'house spiders'. I can't stop the feeling of something crawling over every inch of my body, but at least I now know they can live up to six years. FML

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Does it taste good?

British Broadcasting Corporation

Yappy neighborhood

By Girl - 17/3/2010 07:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of more than two years told me in front of all of our friends that he'd trade me for some Playstation 3 games. I laughed it off because I thought he was kidding. He made it clear that he was serious. FML

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By munckncruncj15 - 22/10/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, at lunch, a fly was buzzing around my food. I managed to kill the fly in my napkin in midair. I continued my lunch, pleased with my amazing ninja skills. When I was done with my lunch, I wiped my mouth with the napkin. I can still taste bug guts. Karma. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2013 06:59 - United States

Today, my family flew out to surprise my grandma for her 70th birthday. When we arrived, she and my grandpa were both sitting on the couch, high, smoking a joint. FML

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By FirstStringQB - 1/10/2011 22:45 - United States

Today, at football practice, a 200lb lineman ended up landing on my stomach. The weight made me shit myself. My new nickname is "Muddbutt". FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2012 10:50 - United States

Today, I found myself actively concerned about what the characters from "Will and Grace" have been doing since the show went off the air. FML

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By holdengurl18 - 21/6/2011 04:46 - China

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is extremely jealous of a stuffed toy that sits on my bed, all because it gets to 'sleep in the same bed as me and he doesn't.' Now, whenever he comes over, he throws it at the wall, death glares at it, then gets up and kicks it under my bed. FML

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By doglover - 3/11/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, a Milkbone commercial came on TV. At the end of it, they whistle and throw a Milkbone across the screen, prompting my 100lb German Shepherd to leap off the couch and run head on into my new plasma screen TV. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2014 01:10 - United States - Dayton

Today, I never really thought that my boyfriend and brother having the same name was too weird. Until I called out his name during climax. FML

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By Frank - 17/8/2011 06:50 - United States

Today, I came home from work tired and horny, and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go make love. While all she had done all day is lay on the couch and watch television, she said, "I'm too tired, why don't you just go into the bathroom and grab a quick wank." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2014 21:25 - Australia

Today, I found out the real reason my boyfriend kept starting fights with me, and why my best friend kept telling me to break up with him. It was so they could turn their affair into a proper relationship, then twist it around to make me look like a bitch for dumping him. FML

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By MushyKetchup - 14/8/2015 07:01 - United States - Amarillo

Today, a tarantula joined my stuffed animal collection in its drawer. It, unfortunately, wasn't stuffed. FML

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By scoold - 21/12/2014 22:02 - United States - Dover

Today, my boss sent me a link on how to write a good resignation letter. FML

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By oopsjsp90 - 17/10/2009 08:45 - Australia

Today, I told a lady that came into my clothing store that I thought her abstract looking necklace was pretty. She responded, "Oh... Thats actually a pipe that goes into my lung." FML

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By je suis christy - 9/1/2015 19:04 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, while heading to the bathroom, I saw my girlfriend putting some lingerie under my bed. I stupidly thought it was for some sexy time later. Well, later on, she dramatically "found" the lingerie and broke up with me. Almost everyone believes her story and thinks I'm a dirty cheater. FML

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By Goatbeard - 15/2/2011 17:13 - United States

Today, I just pulled out of the fast food drive through, only to pull right behind a septic truck. Just as I was about to dig into my food, I noticed it had a handy window about a foot round. I had a stare-down with a turd until I could pass. FML

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By the customer is always a cunt - 20/12/2013 21:48 - United States - Sarasota

Today, a guy came into the small coffee shop I work at, and got angry because I wouldn't accept his Starbucks gift card as valid payment. When I told him we clearly aren't a Starbucks, he said "It's all the same shit" and ended up throwing a punch at me. FML

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By anon. - 3/1/2011 11:37 - New Zealand

Today, I went for a drive with my boyfriend and his dad. His dad was kind enough to point out at every opportunity girls "that would be better for him than me". FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2012 06:24 - United States

Today, my boss told me his cancer test results came back positive. I congratulated him and asked how he planned to celebrate. It turns out a positive cancer test result is a bad thing. FML

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By Doglover - 2/11/2017 14:00

Today, I went jogging. It was cold but I dressed lightly because I overheat when I exercise. Unfortunately, I locked myself out. My wife returned four hours later to find me spooning our dog in the doghouse to keep from freezing to death. FML

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By Austin - 17/6/2016 05:57 - United States - Rancho Cordova

Today, I fell down the stairs of my apartment building because I thought my cat was a ghost. FML

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By everyonewasstaring - 22/12/2009 23:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I was shopping in a packed store when I started to feel faint. Since I was quite far along in the queue, I tried to hold out until I reached the front of the queue. Good news: I succeeded. Bad news: I then fainted at the counter, hit my nose, and shit myself. FML

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By Jack - 26/10/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, I was in minding my own business in bed in my dorm room. It was dark and my roommate came over, intending to slap my ass really hard. The problem is, I was lying face up. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2013 01:03 - United States - La Grande

Today, I had to break up a fist fight between two female residents. I work in a retirement home. FML

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By BigDT - 28/1/2012 08:35

Today, I had a testicular ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was a very attractive woman. This is the first time in the past four and a half years a woman has touched my package, and I had to get health issues to make it happen. FML

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By Username - 16/6/2011 13:20 - United States

Today, my son invited his girlfriend over to our house just to break up with her. Then he asked me to drive her home. So I was then stuck in a car with a bawling teenage girl who lived over twenty minutes away. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2014 15:23 - Australia

Today, while driving to my daughter's wedding, the person behind us kept laying on her horn and yelling every time I stopped for a red light. That person was my wife. Sadly I'm too whipped to stand up to her and spent the whole drive pretending not to hear my passengers snickering at me. FML

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By jeezy - 23/2/2009 10:35 - Canada

Today, I was working my shift and my ex girlfriend came in to apply for a job. She broke up with me for another guy so i can't stand being in the same room as her. The manager talked to her and decided to hire her on the spot. I need to train her. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2012 11:48 - France - Belloy-en-france

Today, dressed in my sexiest nightie, I asked my boyfriend in the most sensual voice possible what he'd like me do to for him tonight. His eyed widened, he started clapping wildly and then shrieked, "SPAGHETTI CARBONARA!" FML

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By skyphoenix - 12/8/2010 09:03 - United States

Today, I went on a trip with some people from work to watch a baseball game. Halfway through the game, one of my managers shook my hand and said "Nice to Meet You." I've been working there for 3 months. FML

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By meowtickmeow - 12/3/2010 01:18 - United States

Today, I had a strong feeling that someone was watching me as I was undressing to get ready for bed. I conspicuously moved to the door and threw it open to find my step-brother clearly spying on me. We are the same age, live in the same house three weeks a month and in the same English class. FML

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By TheHeirofTime - 15/8/2016 15:11 - United States - Marlborough

Today, I had to cancel an appointment due to diarrhea. I was so nervous that when the receptionist asked why, I told her, "I can't stop shitting." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2009 04:46 - United States

Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. But I found another note on a can that said "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML

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By miewann - 3/3/2015 19:06 - United States - Mount Holly

Today, I got fired from my new waitress job after 2 shifts. They said I wasn't experienced enough to handle the fast pace. I thought I'd been doing well so I asked my friend who works there what really happened. Apparently not showing my boobs enough at a family place was grounds for dismissal. FML

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By FUCK A FUCKING DUCK - 23/11/2012 17:20 - Bahamas - Nassau

Today, I went out and bought a copy of Black Ops 2. I got home and opened the case, only to see the game disk was missing. When I went back to the store to complain, the guy at the desk accused me of trying to pull an old scam on him. FML

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By adam - 3/2/2010 20:10 - France

Today, my mom woke me up and asked if I wanted breakfast. I had passed out naked on the kitchen floor after a party. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2010 12:01 - United States

Today, my dog managed to get into our cabinet and eat an entire bag of hershey kisses. Now she is puking all over the house and outside too. When I called the vet to tell her about it, she said that it was normal, and to call her back when it was "coming out the other end." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 23:36 - United States

Today, I saw a group of attractive guys at the mall. One of them looked exactly like a friend, so I decided to take a picture. Trying to be discreet, I put my phone up to my ear as if I was making a phone call, and pressed the capture button. The flash went off. FML

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By scratchy - 8/2/2011 21:39

Today, my "friend" put itching powder in my cast while I was sleeping. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2010 00:52 - Australia

Today, I found out that one of my best mates had his backpack, clothes, and everything else in it stolen at an airport overseas. I was feeling sorry for him all day. It took me 9 hours to remember that I actually loaned him my backpack for his trip. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 17:00

Time don't heal nothing

Today, I was sitting in my garden with my younger sister when she told me that she'd found pictures of me from a decade ago. She also told me that I've changed a lot over the years, because back then I was still pretty. My neighbours overheard it and started laughing out loud. FML

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Top comments

By dman4412 | 0

#899903 - Sunday 28 February 2010 9:08

why did I have to read this right before I go to bed...

By PsychoMerk | 0

#899947 - Sunday 28 February 2010 9:14

It's ok OP, I have an irrational phobia of owls... yet my favorite place to eat is Hooters... the irony makes me ashamed of myself :(

COMMENTS

By cookie08_fml | 0

#899902 - Sunday 28 February 2010 9:08

not an fml

Reply

Numino | 0

#902437 - Monday 1 March 2010 3:10

True Fact: No matter where you are, you are never more then 6 feet away from a spider

Reply

beiberlookalike1 | 0

#902806 - Monday 1 March 2010 5:08

rely? that's a scary fact

Reply

jpest17 | 5

#918042 - Saturday 6 March 2010 3:48

only when it's fear of gays is it their fault???

Reply

rds029 | 0

#993543 - Friday 14 May 2010 16:27

I thought it was 3 feet

Reply

qwillis98 | 20

#4692132 - Sunday 15 July 2012 23:51

What if im in an empty 7x7 room and everything is white and the room is 10 feet tall and i see no spiders what then?

Reply

shitidied | 17

#6351908 - Thursday 16 July 2015 5:02

white spiders. saw one once

By dman4412 | 0

#899903 - Sunday 28 February 2010 9:08

why did I have to read this right before I go to bed...

Reply

thor89 | 0

#899957 - Sunday 28 February 2010 9:16

You are Fake and Gay

Keep on Trolling

Reply

tookietookie123 | 5

#900070 - Sunday 28 February 2010 10:04

Ditto

Reply

RustyGuns | 0

#900072 - Sunday 28 February 2010 10:05

Thritto

Reply

tookietookie123 | 5

#900073 - Sunday 28 February 2010 10:06

Ohh and it's been said you are ALWAYS within 3-5 feet of a spider!!!

Reply

BlkNRedSkull | 0

#900133 - Sunday 28 February 2010 10:43

now i feel them...

Reply

0671241409 | 0

#900348 - Sunday 28 February 2010 13:25

also in your lifetime your will swallow around 8 spiders in your sleep because they sometime crawl into your mouth. just thought the op might like to know that :D

Reply

Blue_Coconuts | 7

#900369 - Sunday 28 February 2010 13:45

Google trapdoor spider. :D

Reply

jason2468 | 0

#900463 - Sunday 28 February 2010 14:56

how is this an fml it's just sayin that she looke. up spiders on google big woop

Reply

bishoprsv2 | 0

#900524 - Sunday 28 February 2010 15:34

Black widows are so poisonous, one bite can kill a man 8 times. Also, they are native to New York.

Reply

Bewitched_fml | 0

#900588 - Sunday 28 February 2010 16:04

and don't forget the possibility that they can crawl in you ear, lay their eggs and then you not know it until baby spiders start crawling out from your ear...

Reply

ladida94 | 0

#900786 - Sunday 28 February 2010 16:54

splendid.! and lmaooo thritto.!

Reply

MF12 | 0

#900789 - Sunday 28 February 2010 16:55

Quadritto?

Reply

ladida94 | 0

#900796 - Sunday 28 February 2010 16:56

and kill a man 8 times.?? lol he shoulda stayed dead tha first time lolzzz

Reply

dudeitsdanny | 9

#901371 - Sunday 28 February 2010 20:23

Charmander!

...... We're naming pokemon, right?

Ditto and all...?

Reply

jasonsaied | 1

#902212 - Monday 1 March 2010 1:50

hahahahhahahahahahahahahhaha 104

Reply

P1xie | 0

#903254 - Monday 1 March 2010 6:23

great I read this before I went to bed .... thanks

Reply

Victoire_W | 0

#3444495 - Monday 17 October 2011 11:49

Omg

By n8equalsd | 0

#899904 - Sunday 28 February 2010 9:08

so?

Reply

Allie614032 | 34

#7438733 - Friday 14 April 2017 9:39

As a fellow arachnophobe, I can assure you that this is not something I wanted to know :(((

By applebee_16 | 0

#899906 - Sunday 28 February 2010 9:08

I have the same phobia. fml I have anxiety attacks if i see a spider near me... ugh

Reply

Foxy_On_Fire | 21

#900094 - Sunday 28 February 2010 10:17

I do to I stopped breathing and then cried for an hour from flashbacks.

Reply

neonokku | 0

#901459 - Sunday 28 February 2010 20:53

metoo

Reply

Edwinadii | 4

#3492930 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 15:37

Rumor has it that you are always within three feet of a spider.

By ALRULES88 | 1

#899909 - Sunday 28 February 2010 9:09

spiders are gross!!!! 6 YEARS!!!!!

By Back_In_Action | 18

#899918 - Sunday 28 February 2010 9:10

Tragic.

By WhatANoob | 0

#899924 - Sunday 28 February 2010 9:11

omfg guys I'm like...awsomernthen sll of u cuz I'm laikencommentorn7 lolololool

By PsychoMerk | 0

#899947 - Sunday 28 February 2010 9:14

It's ok OP, I have an irrational phobia of owls... yet my favorite place to eat is Hooters... the irony makes me ashamed of myself :(

Reply

KASHMIR_fml | 0

#899989 - Sunday 28 February 2010 9:23

hahahahahah good one

Reply

thecoolest | 0

#900395 - Sunday 28 February 2010 14:08

You shouldn't be afraid of Hooters. Judging from your profile pic that seems like a potential job opportunity.

Reply

tereshay | 0

#900939 - Sunday 28 February 2010 17:45

oooooo

Reply

PsychoMerk | 0

#901165 - Sunday 28 February 2010 19:27

no... I seriously freak out Dx and thank you :) that made my day! :D

Reply

qwillis98 | 20

#4692139 - Sunday 15 July 2012 23:55

My dad was working as a cop and he was clearong an old drug barn when he opened a door a huge owl landed on his arm >:)

By chandlerthedog | 0

#899952 - Sunday 28 February 2010 9:14

I didn't know they could live up to 6 years!!!

Reply

noobgang7 | 5

#900514 - Sunday 28 February 2010 15:30

I found out if you kill one it doesn't live for 6 years?!

Reply

akagron | 0

#901229 - Sunday 28 February 2010 19:58

They can live UP TO six years. So obviously, if you kill it, it won't live six years.

By f_your_life_09 | 0

#899953 - Sunday 28 February 2010 9:15

ewwww I hate spiders.
well now u know not to ever google ur irrational fears again :D

Reply

inuyashagirl | 0

#903517 - Monday 1 March 2010 7:41

when there's a spider in my room, I'm always too squeemish to squash it so I trap it in a box and set it free. one time I forgot to set it free though and I found an old dried up spider a month later. XD hehe