Miscellaneous: Today, after a broken smoke detector in my home caused the fire...

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, after a broken smoke detector in my home caused the fire department to come, I got an angry visit from my neighbor who was upset because she had parked in front of a fire hydrant and got a ticket. She demands that I pay it, "or else." FML

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Miscellaneous

Vibe check

Parental guilt

You dingdong!

By marriedwithfamily - United States

Today, I went on my honeymoon to Hawaii. My family decided to surprise my new husband and I by joining us on our vacation. FML

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By juice723 - United States - Marblehead

Today, my friends started calling me "Soberman" because I recently gave up alcohol and have a Doberman. Normally, I wouldn't mind the nickname, but they call me Soberman everywhere. My new boss now thinks it's because I AM an alcoholic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, and for the past 38 weeks of my pregnancy, my husband decided to amuse himself by following me around, making whale noises. FML

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By holycrap - United States

Today, the bartender pulled me aside and told me that she saw my date slip something into my drink. Who was my date? My husband of four years. FML

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By 16seconds - United States

Today, I had to buy a wrist splint for my carpal tunnel syndrome. Not because I'm a computer programmer or some hot shot web designer but because I spend ALL of my time playing Solitaire on my laptop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom had one too many and announced to all of my friends that, if she had the opportunity, she would bang Gwen Stefani. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my husband surprised me by cooking a romantic dinner. I asked him why the sudden gesture. His response? "The cable was out." FML

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By amidreaming?? - United Kingdom - Bushey

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she never lets me in her house. She stared blankly and said, "What is inside is not for thine eyes." I told her best friend about this creepiness later on. She sighed and said, "T'was not for mine eyes either. I didst fail to listen." I feel like I'm losing my mind here. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Broseley

Today, my boyfriend's parents decided that I was untrustworthy and that if they ever saw him with me he'd be heavily punished. They're travelling hundreds of miles just to make sure he stays in the house and doesn't talk to me. FML

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By Me - United States - Homer Glen

Today, while at my aunt's funeral, my grandma who has terrible memory loss asked me whose funeral we were at. I had to explain to her that her daughter had died. FML

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By pygmalion - United Kingdom

Today, after the most stressful two weeks of my life, I finally found a few minutes to sit down with a relaxing cup of tea. I went to take a sip, sneezed, smashed the mug into my nose, and dumped scalding hot tea all over my face and cleavage. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Poway

Today, after my mom picked me up from the mall, she asked me what was in my bag from Gap. I wouldn't tell her, and she ended up grounding me. It was her Mother's Day present. FML

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By oneloveliz

Today, I was watching my dog via security camera live feed, when my roommate came in completely naked to make breakfast for himself. FML

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By Chipper

Today, my girlfriend and I were laying in bed. She rolled over and began rubbing my chest. She then said, "Wow babe those are a solid B-cup." FML

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By FlyLikeABird - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned how birds feel when they fly into windows. I should be getting the hospital bill for my broken nose in the mail soon. FML

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By NoOrdinaryNZer - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, an old man, while I was working, asked me to spell average-length words. Confused, I refused. Turns out I was apparently taking too long counting the large amount of small change he'd given to me, and he assumed I couldn't count or spell. I study law, and I've learned basic calculus. Welcome to retail. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received roughly 50 paper cuts while I was at work. I didn't realize this until after I applied hand sanitizer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the girl that I have been trying to get with for over a year told me she was drunk and just gave her first blowjob to some guy. FML

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By Daniella - 12/11/2020 11:03 - Indonesia - Jakarta

Online classes can be tricky

Today, I accidentally unmuted my mic during a class, and normally it would've just been silence, but dumb old me just had to sing a song at the top of my lungs, and I only stopped when my phone blew up with notifications. Great. FML

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By desperate - Denmark

Today, while at a club, I walked up to a cutie who had been eyeing me all night. I asked him "Is that a phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?". He simply replied "It's a phone" before walking away. FML

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By Ugly - United States

Today, I was looking at some comments on a silly YouTube video of me dancing with some friends. Someone posted a comment saying "Girl on the right is hot!!!." Next to that, it had about 31 thumbs down. I'm the girl on the right. FML

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By turriblebday - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My girlfriend took me out to dinner. While at the restaurant, she went to the bathroom. She was then escorted out of the restaurant for having sex in said bathroom. I was sitting at our booth the entire time. FML

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By lonely - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, "because I'm paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well, at least you're honest." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my apartment burned to the ground. I was packed and ready to move out tomorrow. FML

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By amy - United States - Wellesley Hills

A cashier's life

Today, as I worked as a cashier, two girls came up laughing. I smiled as I rang them up, asking what had made them laugh so hard. One looked me dead in the face and said, "You." They then both walked away, laughing. FML

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By linked - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me using LinkedIn, a platform people use to connect with potential employers. FML

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By Anon - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my mum asked me, "Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?" On impulse, I replied, "Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?" I've never been hit so hard in my life. FML

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By OhGodWhy - 23/5/2020 08:00

Superstition

Today, my mother told me I must break up with my gorgeous, brilliant, talented, kind, respectful boyfriend of 2 weeks. Why? One of his closest friends died, and he's struggling with his spiritual identity. Apparently, by being with him, I'm walking on 'unholy ground.' FML

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By failing - United States - Greenbelt

Today, my grandpa passed away. The only emotion my dad showed was anger, because my grandpa owed my dad money. Now he wants to take it from my grandma, like he's some sort of mobster. FML

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By BlueMacaw - United States - Edmond

Today, at church, I sneezed suddenly and messily into my hand just as the priest asked us to stand and greet our neighbors with a handshake. FML

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By Lvdkinda - United States

Dammit

Today, after a month of planning, I started to tease my boyfriend of 3 years about the wonderful anniversary plans I had made for us. It was a secret, so I let him try and guess. He said "As long as its not a spa day. that would suck I would never go." It's a spa day. That I've already paid for. FML

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By jesspie - United Kingdom

Today, the abandoned cat that I took in for the night and during bad weather seems to have spread fleas around my house. They're everywhere. FML

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By BlueB - United States

Today, I realized that I am such a Grammar Nazi that when a porn star says something grammatically-incorrect, I lose my boner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on my first date in nearly a year. A few minutes into the meal, he called me "scrumptious" and made animal noises for the rest of it. FML

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By BigBallah93 - China

Today, I began my job volunteering at an orphanage in Beijing, China, working with 7-year-olds who just started learning english. We played a game where, if you got caught, you had to sing a song. I got caught, so I chose the ABCs. They all knew the song perfectly, I missed 3 letters. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in a coffee shop when the weird guy who had been pacing the store talking to himself approached our table. He looked at me, and in all seriousness, said, "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your butt crack is showing." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I promised my boyfriend a blow job every time he does the dishes. Every dish in the house has been washed three times already. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was backing out of my snowy drive way on my way to work. I thought I hit a lump of snow. I'd run over my white cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 05:00

Happy Birthday!

Today, I turned 37. My acne turned 24, my eating disorder 22, my chronic digestive issues 35 and my insomnia 16. My boobs, on the other hand, look like they just turned 60. FML

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By Squinty6 - Canada

Today, my boss lectured me on the evils of alcohol and how it was 'prohibited' during the 1980s. I said nothing because he hates being corrected. FML

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Top comments

By theTravinator | 21

#6301374 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:21

Just ignore her, she can't do anything about it and it's her own damn fault

By drunkmunkey | 24

#6301376 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:22

forward it to the fire department.... they'd have fun with the "or else" part

COMMENTS

By Nederlander95 | 14

#6301373 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:21

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

trellz17 | 19

#6301405 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:38

But why?

niallo | 23

#6301472 - Monday 25 May 2015 23:55

Why? Because it would be a fun thing to say to an ass.

kangx1 | 28

#6301479 - Tuesday 26 May 2015 0:03

Tell her to fuck off and take responsibility for her own stupidity.

iRambo | 12

#6302250 - Tuesday 26 May 2015 20:19

Why she want to do that? That cost more money out the ass. Its not a fun thing to do.

sunnyskys | 25

#6303572 - Thursday 28 May 2015 4:24

don't you love it when you have something witty to say and then you forget it. FML Hey look at the an FML inside an FML

By theTravinator | 21

#6301374 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:21

Just ignore her, she can't do anything about it and it's her own damn fault

ironmany_fml | 23

#6302328 - Tuesday 26 May 2015 21:53

but what else.. the mystery is killing me

coolman298 | 15

#6304065 - Thursday 28 May 2015 21:12

She, quite literally, can do nothing about what happened. If she didn't want the ticket, she shouldn't have illegally parked.

By Devindelon | 17

#6301375 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:21

That's her own fault

By drunkmunkey | 24

#6301376 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:22

forward it to the fire department.... they'd have fun with the "or else" part

whymeplease44 | 8

#6707558 - Sunday 30 October 2016 17:53

ya that's the best thing to do and that's what I would do if I was in this situation

By Simbaby | 23

#6301378 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:22

It's her fault . She'll get over it !

By ali_kkatt | 15

#6301379 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:24

Tell her, it's her fault that she parked in front of a fire hydrant. there could've been other parking spots. good luck, op.

By theorangecurls | 18

#6301383 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:25

Ha just brush it off you have better problems to worry about:)

By ThatOneChick856 | 36

#6301384 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:25

I wouldn't worry about it; it's her own damn fault for breaking the law. If she keeps up her "or else" threats and you think she'd actually do something, you could file a police report against her.

worldclassrager | 39

#6301804 - Tuesday 26 May 2015 9:18

Your image fits this FML perfectly!

By Ajf92002 | 23

#6301387 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:28

Sorry for the troubles OP.

By igg125 | 30

#6301391 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:29

Time to find out what "or else" means.