Miscellaneous: Today, after a broken smoke detector in my home caused the fire...

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, after a broken smoke detector in my home caused the fire department to come, I got an angry visit from my neighbor who was upset because she had parked in front of a fire hydrant and got a ticket. She demands that I pay it, "or else." FML

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Miscellaneous

Good boy

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

The student becomes the master

By "daddyrobyn"

Today, my aunt informed me that my cousin's only problem with his girlfriend is that she's not me. FML

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By gassy - United States

Today, I had my new boyfriend come over. Within five minutes of him arriving, I accidentally let one rip. Shocked, I quickly tried to explain it away with, "That was my shoe." I was barefoot. FML

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By Kristinmarsh08 - United States

Today, I texted my dad and told him I was getting married in five months. His reply: "I gotta work that day." FML

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By MaddyN - United States - Forest Grove

Today, I almost got fired from work because a customer complained that I "threw up gang signs" at him. I was blocking the sun from my eyes. FML

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By lifesmells - Canada

Today, I learned that when blender jars aren't locked, they fly off the blender, into the air, hit you in the head and explode all over your kitchen. Today, I also learned that after I'm attacked by a flying blender, the first thing my boyfriend asks is if I'm still gonna make him a smoothie. FML

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By the next james herriot - United States - Laurel

Today, I found out my extremely anti-war relatives hate me because they think I served in the Army, after hearing I was "a vet". I'm a veterinarian. FML

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By mildlyconcussed - Italy - Somma Vesuviana

Today, I went to a gig. The drummer threw his drumsticks out at the end and I managed to catch one. With my face. Not only did I get a black eye, but the person next to me snatched the drumstick from my hands. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2020 20:00

Tinfoil hat wearers are everywhere

Today, I overheard my mom on the phone ranting about how China "engineered and released" the coronavirus and the giant hornets in an attempt to take over the world. Only one more month of quarantine left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my very traditional parents told me that I should start a savings account for my marriage. I told them that I wouldn't get married until much later because I don't even have a boyfriend yet. They said, "Don't worry we already found a boy for you." FML

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By whymommywhy - United States

Today, my hamster gave birth. The babies were very cute and I couldn't resist petting one. Apparently touching a baby hamster will cause it's mother to reject and devour it. I am now know in my family as "The Hamster Slaughterer." FML

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By Nana - Sweden - Skellefte

Today, I showed my friends the picture I drew picturing the four of us in a 'zombie apocalypse' setting. Turns out they never saw me as their friend, and I'm creeping them out. FML

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By evenmybodyhatesme - United States - San Jose

Today, after spending a day in the ER and a day in hospital, I was recovering from emergency surgery. My boyfriend left to eat and didn't come back. He texted me 4 hours later that he was drinking with his friends and that he loved his "brown eyed girl". My eyes aren't brown. FML

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By fyln00b - France

Today, I was horseback riding. Somebody yelled something behind me, so I turned around. Next thing I know, I am on the ground and my head is killing me. It turns out I ran into a tree branch. The person behind me simply said, "Watch out." FML

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By Nick - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for 3 years. She's pregnant. I'm a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Niles

Today, my mother had to ask me when my birthday was, because she gets it confused with the day she bought our old car. FML

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By mykhael - United States - Opelousas

Today, my girlfriend and I started fighting. Instead of arguing for herself, she decided to set her puppy on me. Only "Puppy" is the name of her fully-grown police-trained German Shepherd. FML

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By batman - 4/7/2020 02:02

How do magnets work?

Today, I found out I was qualified to go to a magnet school. My mom threw the papers away, claiming she thinks I shouldn't be with "rich and snobby" people. She grew up as a rich snob and has a fortune waiting for her when her parents die, and she brags about it. FML

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By Katsuria - 25/7/2020 14:01

Unreasonable

Today, my mother disowned me because I wouldn’t fill out her visa application for France so that she can see her boyfriend. The reason why I refused was because my husband and I are on our honeymoon, and would like to spend some time together. I guess that makes me a “useless” daughter. FML

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1443

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By youlyingjerk - United States

Today, I slipped on my icy front porch, fell back and hit my head on the step. I tried to get up, but lost my balance and fell halfway into the bush next to the steps. I then looked up to see my very hot, British, Ex-Special Forces next door neighbor laughing so hard he dropped his snow shovel. FML

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By huj - United States

Today, I was on an airplane, riding in first class for the first time in my life. The man next to me turned to me just before takeoff, stared at my chest, and said that he hoped there would be severe turbulence. FML

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By Unfortunate Painter - United States - Merced

Today, I found out the can of spray paint I got at Walmart yesterday has no spray nozzle, rendering it useless. I'm working on a project that needs to be done by the weekend, so I get to go wait in a huge line and risk being trampled to death tonight just to exchange one damn spray paint can. FML

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By teegtwo - United States

Today, my boyfriend said we can't have sex with the light on anymore. He said he can never finish because the face I make when I orgasm makes him laugh. FML

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By badsinger - New Zealand

Today, my fiancée told me she was having a bad day while we were lying in bed. Just as she was about to fall asleep I thought it would be sweet if I sang her a song that her Mom sang to her when she was a child. Instead, I was told to shut the fuck up and that I sucked. FML

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By rejected - United States - Charlotte

Today, my girlfriend saw the name "Melissa" on my phone's contact list. After refusing to tell her who it was, she accused me of being a cheater, broke up with me and stormed out of my house. Melissa is the name of a woman from Craigslist who was going to sell me an antique engagement ring. FML

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By SakuraBreeze - United States

Today, I was working at my new job at a food court on campus. One of the supervisors came up to my station and told me that I "really look like someone who, through some miracle, accidentally found their way into college." He then threw a pickle at me. FML

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By MBrabs1996

Today, despite the schedule saying I was off, I found out I’m supposed to be working because my boss changed the schedule without my knowledge. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I explained to my boss what clickbait is and why it's bad practice to use it when writing online. After my explanation, she ordered me to go ahead with it, saying it's "exactly what we need". This person is the marketing communications director for a major multinational company. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2020 14:00

Getting fit for all the wrong reasons

Today, for the 28th consecutive day, I went jogging for an hour, even though I never really used to, just to get away from my husband and two kids, because being stuck in lockdown with them is boring me out of my mind. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while walking past a homeless man, I heard him comment on the woman in front of me saying, "I should come to this side of town more often, there's some hotties here." Then he saw me and said, "Wait, no, I think I'll stay on the other side of town." FML

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By fleur_de_fevrier - Ireland

Today, I finally decided to go Christmas shopping. It's only once I arrived that I realized that I had forgotten my wallet. FML

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By jennabean - United States

Today, I was in the car for 8 hours driving home from North Carolina with my family. We brought my dog along and I was petting her for most of the ride. I thought she fell asleep, so I continued to play with her. She never woke up. I played with a dead dog for almost an hour and a half. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Elora

Today, I was cleaning my older brothers room in my mom's house after he had just moved out with his girlfriend. I guess I was multitasking a little too much and not paying too much attention to what I was doing and I realized 15 seconds later, I was holding a used condom in my right hand, FML

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By fd - United States

Today, my partner and I were informed by the man we had a three-way with, the first one after having finally screwed up the courage to do it, that he has mono. I don't feel so good. FML

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By Elrond Hubbard - United States

Today, I drove my dad to Walmart to do some shopping. His leg is still in a cast after an accident, so I helped him to the last mobility scooter. A guy whose only disability was clearly Fat-Fuck Syndrome then yelled at us, claiming he needed it more and that my dad was a faker. FML

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By Ansharus - Belgium - Londerzeel

Today, I noticed I'd lost my wedding ring after returning home from a long, tiring day of painting our newly purchased home. After driving back and forth to the house for more than an hour to go looking for it, I found it tucked away in my back pocket. FML

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By ptarr12345 - United States - Lancaster

Today, my little cousin was helping me wash my car. After scrubbing all the dirt, I gave him the hose and said, "Okay, now rinse off this disgusting thing." He turned the hose on me. FML

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By Arran - United Kingdom

Today, I was reading a blog post by a girl that I really like. In the post, it said, "I know I'm not beautiful." I told her that I thought it wasn't true at all. She responded by crying hysterically and asking me why I would say that. It turned out that it actually said, "I know I'm beautiful." FML

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By Sophie - United States

Today, after recently having had surgery, I Iearnt that some extra tissue was needed to cover up the hole in the roof of my mouth. Where did they get this tissue? From a dead person. I now have the flesh of a dead person in my mouth, which by the way is now infected. FML

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By MentalHealthWorker - 17/9/2020 02:05

True hero

Today, I once again had to clean up a shower and bathroom covered in feces, because of client with incontinence. It smelt so bad that I couldn’t hide my reaction; the client saw my face and I could see the embarrassment on theirs. I spent the rest of the day feeling like an asshole. FML

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By oops - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was on a date, and I went to put my arm around her, trying to be romantic, but my coordination went straight to hell. Instead of her shoulder, I ended up accidentally grabbing her tit. FML

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Top comments

By theTravinator | 21

#6301374 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:21

Just ignore her, she can't do anything about it and it's her own damn fault

By drunkmunkey | 24

#6301376 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:22

forward it to the fire department.... they'd have fun with the "or else" part

COMMENTS

By Nederlander95 | 14

#6301373 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:21

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

trellz17 | 19

#6301405 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:38

But why?

niallo | 23

#6301472 - Monday 25 May 2015 23:55

Why? Because it would be a fun thing to say to an ass.

kangx1 | 28

#6301479 - Tuesday 26 May 2015 0:03

Tell her to fuck off and take responsibility for her own stupidity.

iRambo | 12

#6302250 - Tuesday 26 May 2015 20:19

Why she want to do that? That cost more money out the ass. Its not a fun thing to do.

sunnyskys | 25

#6303572 - Thursday 28 May 2015 4:24

don't you love it when you have something witty to say and then you forget it. FML Hey look at the an FML inside an FML

By theTravinator | 21

#6301374 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:21

Just ignore her, she can't do anything about it and it's her own damn fault

ironmany_fml | 23

#6302328 - Tuesday 26 May 2015 21:53

but what else.. the mystery is killing me

coolman298 | 15

#6304065 - Thursday 28 May 2015 21:12

She, quite literally, can do nothing about what happened. If she didn't want the ticket, she shouldn't have illegally parked.

By Devindelon | 17

#6301375 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:21

That's her own fault

By drunkmunkey | 24

#6301376 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:22

forward it to the fire department.... they'd have fun with the "or else" part

whymeplease44 | 8

#6707558 - Sunday 30 October 2016 17:53

ya that's the best thing to do and that's what I would do if I was in this situation

By Simbaby | 23

#6301378 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:22

It's her fault . She'll get over it !

By ali_kkatt | 15

#6301379 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:24

Tell her, it's her fault that she parked in front of a fire hydrant. there could've been other parking spots. good luck, op.

By theorangecurls | 18

#6301383 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:25

Ha just brush it off you have better problems to worry about:)

By ThatOneChick856 | 36

#6301384 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:25

I wouldn't worry about it; it's her own damn fault for breaking the law. If she keeps up her "or else" threats and you think she'd actually do something, you could file a police report against her.

worldclassrager | 39

#6301804 - Tuesday 26 May 2015 9:18

Your image fits this FML perfectly!

By Ajf92002 | 23

#6301387 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:28

Sorry for the troubles OP.

By igg125 | 30

#6301391 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:29

Time to find out what "or else" means.