Today, after a broken smoke detector in my home caused the fire...

By Anonymous - 25/5/2015 16:04 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after a broken smoke detector in my home caused the fire department to come, I got an angry visit from my neighbor who was upset because she had parked in front of a fire hydrant and got a ticket. She demands that I pay it, "or else." FML

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Miscellaneous

Healthy relationship

Keep the peace

KoBabe

By caught - 9/1/2012 00:43 - United States

Today, I was bored and started touching myself watching TV. My mother walked into my bedroom with a phone in her hand and yelled, "Stop jacking off and talk to your grandmother." FML

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By unit - 7/7/2010 04:19 - United States

Today, I finally got around to organizing my closet. Discarded clothes fell into three distinct categories: Too Small, Yellow Pits, Stained with Food. FML

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By canwesayfail - 18/5/2016 02:20 - United States - Gloucester

Today, the only part of my Psychology final that I was 100% confident in was my name. FML

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By n0taplumber - 16/11/2010 03:25 - United States

Today, I reached in between the couch cushions to see if my iPod had slipped in there. I didn't find my iPod, but I did find an old utility knife blade. With my fingers. FML

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By MsCobb - 16/2/2013 15:27 - United States - Columbus

Today, my father gave me his blessing to be married on one condition: that I keep my maiden name when I marry. My fiancé thought it would be "epic". My last name will be hyphenated to Cobb-Webb. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2009 04:02 - Canada

Today, I had gotten home from dropping my boyfriend off when my dad said "your phones been buzzing". I had a text saying "you're grounded," from my Dad. My Alarm saying 'Birth Control Pill' had been going off for a half hour while I was gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2011 23:23 - United States

Today, after having my jaw wired shut for 2 months, I finally got to eat. During the first bite of my sandwich I pulled my jaw out of place. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 10:01 - United States - Saint Paul

High Times

Today, I got hit by a car while I was on the phone. I was sat at a bus stop. The driver was high and lost focus lighting another blunt. My family and some friends are mad that I'm pressing charges and making weed look bad in the media. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2010 14:50 - Egypt

Today, I was working on a 12-page report. After 5 hours on it, I go over to YouTube to change background music. My boss decides to pick this time to walk by, look at my screen, and grunt "hard at work, huh?" FML

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By Conner Johnson - 28/11/2017 05:00

The Customer Is Clueless

Today, a customer walked up to me with a dog toy and said, "I knew one-stop shopping was a thing, but I didn't know you guys carried dildos." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2017 14:00

Today, it's the 8th day in a row that my mother-in-law has made me drink laxative tea. I still haven't pooped yet and I'm terrified of what's to come. FML

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By RC3Welly - 9/3/2012 22:58 - United States

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

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By pk24 - 25/2/2009 23:46 - United States

Today, I decided to try and call into a local radio station to try and win concert tickets for one of my favorite bands. I called in and was actually the winning number. When asked my name I answered quickly, but all I heard was "Hello? Hello?" Then they hung up. My cell phone was on mute. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2015 20:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend tried to justify having a one night stand with some other guy, with the words, "I'm on my period, okay?!" She acted like I was crazy when I asked how the fuck that made any sense. FML

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By angry - 28/6/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I went to go get a new ID because my wallet was stolen, which had my social security card in it as well. I found out that to get your ID you have to have your social security card, and to get your social security card, you need your ID. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street with my acoustic guitar on my back. I saw a girl that I like coming down the opposite way, so I decided to play my guitar to try and impress her. I started to tune it quickly, but while I wasn't paying attention, I ran into a pole. Now my guitar is cracked. FML

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By financially_wreckd - 21/12/2014 00:53

Today, thanks to some asswipe drunk driver fleeing the cops the wrong way down a one-way street, I've now had my third wreck this year. My insurance premium's now higher than Bob Marley in a weed factory. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2018 12:00 - United States

Today, I got fired because I abruptly hung up on my boss while being pulled over for talking in a hands free zone. I also got a $300 fine. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2018 19:00

Today, I came out to my therapist as gay. Claiming that my parents "can't be that homophobic", my therapist outed me to them. They kicked me out of the house. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2017 00:30 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, after weeks of complaints and an engineer call-out for our photocopier, it turns out that all faults are user errors, and it's now my job to 'idiot proof' the printer. The people I work for are all educated on a Master's / PhD level and are responsible for cancer patient treatment at a major hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2018 01:30

WTF?

Today, I went to my fiancé's mother's funeral. His step-sister proudly announced that she's pregnant with his baby and they are engaged. FML

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By Canonlizardjet - 13/2/2017 08:00 - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, I had a near-death experience. Went to print a document and a lizard shot out of the printer right out at me. Gives a whole new meaning to a Canon printer, a fricking lizard Canon. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 23:00

Yummy

Today, I decided to have some bagels. It was only after I ate them that I looked at the cream cheese and discovered that it expired 3 years ago. FML

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By ouch.... - 22/10/2013 01:24 - United States - Duxbury

Today, my boyfriend broke a glass in the kitchen and accidentally stepped on it, cutting his foot. He asked me if I could help him clean his cut. Apparently, he's ticklish and I now have a huge bruise on my chest from where he kicked me. FML

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By Morganisoverrated - 22/10/2018 15:30

Today, I was planning to ask a guy at school out since I had mustered up the confidence to finally tell him how I really felt. I ended up puking on him. FML

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By Loved - 25/5/2019 16:15

Today, my boyfriend bought me an engagement ring. It turned out to be the wrong size and we had to return it, since the store said it couldn't be re-sized. As we headed home, I felt guilty, so I turned to him and apologized. His response? "It's OK honey, I didn't really want to marry you that much anyway." FML

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By NotASquirrel - 12/3/2016 05:29 - United States - Bronx

Today, I was using the urinal at work when an old guy started using the one next to mine. All of a sudden, he used that Ghostbusters' line, "Cross the streams!", and tried to pee into my urinal. I had to wait 4 hours in pee-drenched shoes until my shift was over. FML

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By porkieworkie - 21/4/2009 12:44 - United States

Today, just after getting off the phone with a girl I am interested in, I parked on campus and decided to eat my lunch in the car. As I was sitting there, she appeared out of nowhere and walked to her car. I was parked directly behind her car, sitting there like a creepy ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 05:05

Life decisions

Today, I decided to break up with my girlfriend after I got home and realised I was happier sat in my car on the street than I would be if I went inside and had to put up with her whining and her 2 spoiled daughters for even one more day. So now I’m happy, but also homeless. FML

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By ICantBelieveThis - 6/3/2010 14:31 - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend in her room. That means: Jonas Brothers posters on the wall, Jonas Brothers pillows, sheets, comforter and stuffed dog. After we did it, she apologized to her posters for having to see that, since they're pure. FML

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By JustWantedToRelax - 10/5/2016 02:27 - United States

Today, I took my dogs to the park and sat in the grass while they played. Within the first half hour two male dogs peed on my back. The first owner apologized and gave me a wipe to clean up while the second one had the nerve to tell me "this is why I bring a chair" FML

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By pea - 12/9/2011 18:32 - United States

Today, I had a lady come in to order a pizza. She wanted to use a free delivery coupon. After telling her several times that she couldn't use a free delivery coupon, unless she was having the pizza delivered, she told me I have horrible people skills. FML

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By tanya - 25/10/2010 12:32 - Canada

Today, I was in a rush and forgot to flush the toilet after taking a huge dump. After coming home from work, I check my facebook to find myself tagged by my boyfriend in a photo. The photo was of the toilet, with the caption: "This is what Taco Bell does." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2011 05:10 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I reached climax. While I was screaming, my 4 year old son comes in with his water gun because he thought I was in trouble. FML

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By ... - 16/6/2013 20:57 - South Africa - Port Elizabeth

Today, my boyfriend and I talked about our past relationships. He said he broke up with his last girlfriend because she was "too smart" for him, and that he felt better being with someone who "doesn't have too many lights on upstairs, if you know what I mean." FML

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By fmylovelife - 27/6/2011 23:45 - United States

Today, I surprised my girlfriend with roses. She surprised me by getting back together with her ex. FML

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By whyyyy - 17/6/2020 05:05

Dumbass

Today, my daughter shaved her head in solidarity for a friend who went bald from cancer. Normally this would be an amazing gesture. Unfortunately, her “friend” is a fictional character from a book she’s reading. My daughter had almost 24-inch long hair. FML

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By shouldhaveknown - 26/6/2009 14:22 - Australia

Today, I finally thought that my mother was okay with me being a lesbian. Then, over dinner, she turns to me and says "So, do you still think you like girls, or are you going to start being normal again?" FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2013 15:20 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I uttered the phrase "the pot calling the kettle black" in class. Moments later, I'd been called a "racist twerp" and kicked out of class by the same English teacher who once tried to have another kid suspended for using the word "titillate", because apparently it's "pornographic". FML

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By CantPublish - 4/9/2012 22:02 - United States

Today, I saw a bug on a stranger's arm and as a knee-jerk reaction smacked it. It took me a second before I realized it was actually a loose scab. FML

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Top comments

By theTravinator | 21

#6301374 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:21

Just ignore her, she can't do anything about it and it's her own damn fault

By drunkmunkey | 24

#6301376 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:22

forward it to the fire department.... they'd have fun with the "or else" part

COMMENTS

By Nederlander95 | 14

#6301373 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:21

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

trellz17 | 19

#6301405 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:38

But why?

niallo | 23

#6301472 - Monday 25 May 2015 23:55

Why? Because it would be a fun thing to say to an ass.

kangx1 | 28

#6301479 - Tuesday 26 May 2015 0:03

Tell her to fuck off and take responsibility for her own stupidity.

iRambo | 12

#6302250 - Tuesday 26 May 2015 20:19

Why she want to do that? That cost more money out the ass. Its not a fun thing to do.

sunnyskys | 25

#6303572 - Thursday 28 May 2015 4:24

don't you love it when you have something witty to say and then you forget it. FML Hey look at the an FML inside an FML

By theTravinator | 21

#6301374 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:21

Just ignore her, she can't do anything about it and it's her own damn fault

ironmany_fml | 23

#6302328 - Tuesday 26 May 2015 21:53

but what else.. the mystery is killing me

coolman298 | 15

#6304065 - Thursday 28 May 2015 21:12

She, quite literally, can do nothing about what happened. If she didn't want the ticket, she shouldn't have illegally parked.

By Devindelon | 17

#6301375 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:21

That's her own fault

By drunkmunkey | 24

#6301376 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:22

forward it to the fire department.... they'd have fun with the "or else" part

whymeplease44 | 8

#6707558 - Sunday 30 October 2016 17:53

ya that's the best thing to do and that's what I would do if I was in this situation

By Simbaby | 23

#6301378 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:22

It's her fault . She'll get over it !

By ali_kkatt | 15

#6301379 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:24

Tell her, it's her fault that she parked in front of a fire hydrant. there could've been other parking spots. good luck, op.

By theorangecurls | 18

#6301383 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:25

Ha just brush it off you have better problems to worry about:)

By ThatOneChick856 | 36

#6301384 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:25

I wouldn't worry about it; it's her own damn fault for breaking the law. If she keeps up her "or else" threats and you think she'd actually do something, you could file a police report against her.

worldclassrager | 39

#6301804 - Tuesday 26 May 2015 9:18

Your image fits this FML perfectly!

By Ajf92002 | 23

#6301387 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:28

Sorry for the troubles OP.

By igg125 | 30

#6301391 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:29

Time to find out what "or else" means.