Today, after a 7 year dry spell, I finally got laid. The downside?...

By love and tolerape, apparently - 1/3/2015 19:24 - India - Jamshedpur

Today, after a 7 year dry spell, I finally got laid. The downside? It was in my dreams and involved a character from My Little Pony forcing itself on me. Now I hate that fucking stupid show more than ever. FML

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Intimacy

Proactive

All in the family

Live dumping

By busybee - 10/5/2009 03:38 - United States

Today, I went to the zoo with a guy I like, when we were there we saw a swarm of bees. I told him that if I got stung he would have to watch me because my dad is deathly allergic to bees and I have never been stung. Jokingly, he nudged me into the bush and said "let's see". We did. I'm allergic. FML

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By Fillifilo - 18/4/2012 04:38 - France

Today, I was having a hard time waking up. When I sat down for breakfast, my chair rocked backwards. I reflexively grabbed out at something to hold on to. Unfortunately, I grabbed the cereal box that was on the table. FML

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By jaimie - 19/3/2011 16:00 - United States

Today, we were going to Disney World all the way from North Carolina. After 12 hours of driving, my kids started fighting and complaining. My husband finally said, "If I hear you guys one more time we're turning around and going back home." They annoyed him once again, and we actually went home. FML

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By iTried - 28/1/2016 12:12 - United States - Houston

Today, I found out my best friend was cheating on her boyfriend. After confronting her boyfriend and showing him proof, he responded with denial and didn't believe me. Now my whole circle of friends not only think I'm trying to start a rumor, but that I'm a home wrecker. FML

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By Iamlonesometonight - 26/3/2017 18:47

Today, my now-ex dumped me at a house party, which I then couldn't leave, as all my things were at his house, where I was meant to be staying. FML

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By leez - 1/2/2009 10:43 - United States

Today, my roommate has gone home for the weekend. She forgot to turn her alarm clock off. Her door is locked. FML

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By newniece - 27/1/2010 00:09 - United States

Today, my grandpa, a married high school teacher, got arrested for having an inappropriate relationship with a female student. Hearing the news, I called my grandma crying. Not only is he most likely going to jail, but in seven months I will have a new aunt who is eighteen years younger than me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2009 06:51 - Canada

Today, I told my girlfriend of eight months that if she didn't start taking my band's music seriously, we couldn't see each other anymore. She said fine, and I hugged her, but then she stood up and said 'I hope we can still be friends,' and walked out the door. FML

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By Screwed - 9/11/2012 04:02 - United States - Rockville

Today, my crazy bitch of a boss fired me for inappropriate conduct. Apparently my "fake Nazi accent" is "offensive to our Jewish coworkers." I'm German. I have no way to change the way I speak, or to pay this month's bills. FML

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By fluent in two, unlike you - 25/3/2014 18:42 - Mexico

Today, the feedback my teacher wrote on my English assignment was so horrible that it took me half an hour and help from both my parents to decipher it. It turned out to be a scathing criticism of my "poor communication skills". I hate my teachers. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2018 17:30

Today, my mother-in-law flushed my pain medicine because she believes I’ve been using it too long and I’m addicted. I had surgery four days ago. FML

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By anonymous - 20/7/2015 01:23 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, for some reason entirely beyond my knowledge, Siri referred to me as "Sugartits". FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2011 19:08 - United States

Today, the first snow of the season fell. My husband celebrated by pelting me with snowballs, while I was on the toilet. FML

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By OnlyAvailableID - 8/2/2015 08:35 - Australia

Today, I had my first threesome. It was me, my wonderful girlfriend, and her shithead cat after he decided my balls were a bag of catnip and just had to play with. Things ended pretty fast. FML

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By thatsureshowedme - 8/11/2014 20:33 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I tried being rebellious for the first time in my life by sneaking out past my curfew. I decided to use my bedroom window to stealthily leave the house. I ended up twisting my ankle when I tried to make my "grand" escape. FML

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By sister_woes - 9/10/2010 06:36 - United States

Today, I didn't have my key, so my sister told me to call her to let me in. I called, no answer. I waited for 15 minutes and then called my dad complaining about her, still being outside. She popped her out the window and yelled, "Don't talk about me, bitch!" and wouldn't open the door. FML

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By marriedbutlonely - 15/2/2016 02:36 - United States - Federal Way

Today, after having my husband ask if I 'had any plans' for the weekend, and him mentioning that he got me something special, he played his PS4 for hours, ignored me, then finally took a break to hand me a tiny box of chocolates. I can't even be mad because he looked so proud. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2013 21:27 - United States - Foxboro

Today, my son volunteered to help me cut out coupons. When I got to the register at the store, I noticed he'd cut off all the barcodes. FML

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By stupid voicemails - 28/4/2013 09:09 - United States - Lahaina

Today, I missed multiple calls from the company I applied to. That was the supervisor calling, wanting to hire me. I then remembered my idiotic voicemail I made months ago where I pretended to answer and say stupid stuff for 5 minutes. I don't think I'm going to get the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2012 05:08 - United States - Surprise

Today, I had surgery on my arm. My mom has recently had the same surgery and my dad is having his first rib removed and won't be able to move his arm. My family combined now has three functioning arms. FML

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By Poopyhead - 8/11/2009 19:14 - Ireland

Today, I was at a petting zoo with my boyfriend. A guy that worked there said he'd take a picture of me with a mouse on my head. He reassured me that this mouse was trained. I agreed. Once the mouse got on my head, it peed. Turns out the guy didn't work there after all. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 09:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting on the bus when an obese woman with flu came to sit beside me. After snorting hideously for five minutes, she picked up her scarf, blew her nose into it and dropped it. It fell on my lap. When I stood up to leave the bus, there were streaks of snot on my new skirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2010 11:28 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I have been crushing on for 2 years. At the end of the date he tells me that he is moving away and as his going away present, I could pay for dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend and he brushed my hair out of my eyes. Then he smiled and said "Your eyes are two different colors right now. One's blue, one's green..." I was so happy he still noticed the little things. Then he finished his sentence with "...ya know, like a dog." FML

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By washed - 11/10/2009 23:30 - United States

Today, I learned that my boyfriend hides valuables in the washing machine under dirty clothes when leaving town for the weekend. I learned this AFTER I'd done a load of laundry. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2010 00:29 - Canada

Today, I entered my bedroom, ready to play some COD on my xbox 360. Instead, I find a note where my xbox used to be. It read "You think you can cheat on me and get away with it? Fuck you. I smashed the hell out of your stupid xbox." It was signed by my girlfriend. I never cheated on her. FML

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By notready - 15/10/2013 06:49 - Australia

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend at a dinner with our two families. Not only did she flatly reject me, my dad said, "Good call. He's not ready." FML

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By ThanksMom - 26/3/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, my parents were helping me construct my bed. We ended up not having enough screws to properly secure the frame. My dad mentioned that it might cause problems if I got a girl into my bed. My mom said, "Don't worry about it, we all know that's not going to happen." FML

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By Mem - 30/5/2014 20:07 - Sweden - Hudiksvall

Today, my neighbor threatened to call the cops if I didn't turn the volume down on my porno. I was only watching women's tennis. FML

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By offuckingcourse - 6/8/2013 05:07 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to my boss's dinner party. My sister, who also works with me, sat across from me at the table. I felt her kick me so I kicked her back. Then I heard something start crying. It was the boss's baby crawling under the table. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2009 19:31 - United States

Today, I went through the car wash my boyfriend works at. When I pulled in, I explained I was Greg's girlfriend and cutely asked if I could get a free car wash. His co-worker looked at me confused and said "Greg said he didn't have a girlfriend", then he looked at me and said "Now I know why". FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2017 06:00 - United States - Richmond

Today, by helping my sweet, caring boyfriend get over his crippling insecurities and develop some confidence, I've turned him into a lying, cheating asshole I can't stand. FML

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By FMJoblessL - 4/2/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, I am jobless after graduation. Ironic, since when I started college with my education degree, I was congratulated, told of the teacher shortage in my state, and how quickly I would be able to find a job. Three years in, the economy tanks, and the state issues a teacher hiring freeze. FML

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By Oregon - 4/12/2019 18:00

Does it taste good?

Today, while my boyfriend was fingering me, he accidentally pulled out my NuvaRing, he then licked it off and placed it back inside me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2019 06:00 - United States - New York

Great start

Today, I was starting my new job in the city. A man with a torn suit on came up to me and asks me for spare change. In a hurry to catch a taxi, I declined and rushed to catch one. At the office, my boss was late. About an hour later, I found out the man in the suit was my boss. He was attacked. FML

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By silencio - 24/5/2012 10:44 - Canada - Ch?teauguay

Today, my mom watched a Dr. Phil episode. She's now hysterical because she assumes me and my friends are involved in sex parties. All because a man on the TV said so. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By huh? - 18/9/2019 13:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Creepy Dick Pic

Today, my ex-boyfriend sent me a photo of him getting head from a gorgeous woman. He captioned it “Jealous?” with smiley emojis. I’m not sure what’s creepier, the fact that he sent it, that he even has my new number or that we broke up more than 8 years ago. FML

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By John-John - 6/3/2017 15:00 - United States - Jackson

Today, I got break-up text. She called me a poor, broke, little dick, sorry excuse for a man and said that my mom should have swallowed me "as an egg". She also said that no one could ever want me. Thing is, I haven't had a girlfriend in 2 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2015 03:23 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I was volunteering at a gift-wrapping booth to raise money for autism, and helping others takes my mind off the fact that my mom died at Christmas. While carefully wrapping a present, offering bows, ribbons, and a gift tag, a snobby bitch said to me, "You're not doing a very good job." FML

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By please don't back that thing up - 9/8/2013 05:00 - United States

Today, I stopped at a red light, when I noticed the car in front of me was in reverse. I honked at the driver, hoping he'd realize and place the car in drive. He thought the light turned green and immediately backed into me. FML

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Top comments

By SkyGuy32 | 17

#6218374 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:03

Maybe you're just subconsciously a brony.

By ZeroDying | 11

#6218384 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:05

I had the same dream but with Elmo ...

Comments

By SkyGuy32 | 17

#6218374 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:03

Maybe you're just subconsciously a brony.

Welshite | 39

#6218393 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:08

Nothing wrong with being a brony. I have pictures of the ponies on my walls, and they tell me bedtime stories every night. OP is just in denial.

adrian1910 | 15

#6218404 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:13

That show is for little girls, any guy who watches it lost my respect.

Welshite | 39

#6218411 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:17

That's ok. I never needed your respect to enjoy certain shows.

devildog562 | 33

#6218417 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:20

My daughter wishes she loved my little pony as much as me.
Welshite, do you have a custom made twilight from build-a-bear? I know I'm rocking it !

lnheritance | 19

#6218422 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:23

Our minds do wonders. Personally I dream of zombie apocalypse's.

boredSOLDIER | 33

#6218491 - Monday 2 March 2015 1:30

Wonder who it was? Sounds like Discord made a cameo in OPs dream. Friendship is magic son!!!!

doctorhook86 | 24

#6218620 - Monday 2 March 2015 4:48

#13: I don't think anybody (anywhere?) cares much if they have your respect, bro.

ThatDamHuntress | 20

#6218656 - Monday 2 March 2015 5:08

Because Everyone Cares about a Random Guys Respect. Get a Life.

THERMALSCOPES13 | 3

#6218675 - Monday 2 March 2015 5:44

I hope all bronies are publicly executed

Retaheki | 27

#6218718 - Monday 2 March 2015 6:39

What's up with the FML team? First Shrek FMLs, now MLP FMLs, what's next, Call of Duty FMLs? The team is really diving into 4chan or something.

Hummmph | 8

#6218809 - Monday 2 March 2015 9:47

Here here.

Axle_Bloodwolf | 6

#6219303 - Monday 2 March 2015 20:05

I would like to point out that I watch this show, with my daughter, and though I am not a brony or a clopper (some one who sexualizes the my little pony show) I do happen to enjoy it. And I don't need your respect about it to feel good with myself

ajs1987 | 15

#6219305 - Monday 2 March 2015 20:06

What is a "brony?" It sounds like something you should avoid.

PokemonMaster0 | 15

#6219409 - Monday 2 March 2015 22:06

Subconsciously? This is more than subconscious. He has entered clopper territory.

RogueWarrior869 | 23

#6219835 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 5:11

@118 A brony is fan of the My Little Pony series. Normally a name used by male fans, but from what I've seen, females also prefer using it instead of pegasister. Unless you're into/okay with highly nsfw pony works, cloppers are the ones you'd want to avoid.

SkyGuy32 | 17

#6219856 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 5:46

Being a brony is perfectly fine in my opinion, but being a clopper is not ok.

ajs1987 | 15

#6220300 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:29

@127 Is it just little boys who are bronies or are there grown men who are in to that show too? That's kinda weird to think about.

ThatDamHuntress | 20

#6220594 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 21:49

#131 Grown Men.

mnb1998 | 15

#6221580 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 20:56

Yup I love dreaming about zombies and the apocalypse ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

kittykat1501 | 31

#6337650 - Thursday 2 July 2015 2:35

16 I do! It sings the theme song

PotatomanIsReal | 9

#6453270 - Wednesday 4 November 2015 15:48

#131 Yes, there are little boy bronies. I know a few irl

crack229 | 19

#6552826 - Saturday 5 March 2016 19:38

that's really gay

By bl865ood | 17

#6218375 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:03

Doesn't matter, had sex.

jigglypuff34 | 16

#6218398 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:10

That's debatable.

BlondePsycho | 43

#6218420 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:23

I was going to make a reply about how pathetically wide a net he's casting for his definition of sex but that seems cheap.

Jason89 | 14

#6218650 - Monday 2 March 2015 5:04

they definitely hit the hay ... didn't they?

catchingzzzzzz | 10

#6218670 - Monday 2 March 2015 5:37

I hope you were quoting SNL here... "I just had sex"

casey_ct | 10

#6218769 - Monday 2 March 2015 8:18

still counts had sex!

KitchKraft | 21

#6219094 - Monday 2 March 2015 16:29

My friend accidentally yelled that to someone who told him that they had kinda had sex but it was actually a rape case.

By pubeboy | 16

#6218376 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:03

Did you get bonied by a pony?

Sandsh8rk | 36

#6218562 - Monday 2 March 2015 3:38

He said a character, not specifically one of the mane 6. It could have been Iron Will ;)

By Araj_Hs | 19

#6218377 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:03

You should be glad it was not someone from 'Planet of Apes'. HAH!

ThatDamHuntress | 20

#6218657 - Monday 2 March 2015 5:10

What if it was one of the Humans.

By aguynamednick | 20

#6218379 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:04

bony the pony

By ZeroDying | 11

#6218384 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:05

I had the same dream but with Elmo ...

BlondePsycho | 43

#6218419 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:21

Elmo does seem like that type, right? Glad it's not just me

LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6218423 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:25

I had one with one of girls from the Total Drama series.

MidnaLink | 32

#6218427 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:28

I would do Leshawna or Gwen! Who's your pick?

LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6218428 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:29

Actually it was Samey (Sammy) from this past season.

MidnaLink | 32

#6218518 - Monday 2 March 2015 2:23

Oh, never watched after Island.

dannnngthatsux | 19

#6218617 - Monday 2 March 2015 4:47

#20, Gwen!

sneeuwbal | 6

#6218866 - Monday 2 March 2015 10:47

Have you ever been tickled on the inside? Stop touching me, Elmo!

By WavRace | 14

#6218387 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:06

"My little pony, you'll always be in my dreams."

Sandsh8rk | 36

#6218559 - Monday 2 March 2015 3:35

Wasn't it "You'll always be in my heart"?

WavRace | 14

#6218563 - Monday 2 March 2015 3:38

But it's not in OP's heart, it's in his dreams.

By MMSINCsidecars | 9

#6218389 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:06

At least you know you're not a brony now.

By Migole | 36

#6218390 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:07

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Darkness_Hate | 29

#6218410 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:16

As far as I know we can dislike a show..even if for some people it's not really "polite"

UhHuhHoney | 20

#6218444 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:39

#9 you must be a blast at parties, I can just tell.

Retaheki | 27

#6218740 - Monday 2 March 2015 7:13

Aw damn, some girl on the internet told me I can't dislike a show, I gotta start watching My Little Pony.

By 19990231 | 29

#6218399 - Monday 2 March 2015 0:10

In the closet brony, it's okay.