Today, after 4 days without being able to poop, now, while sitting... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, after 4 days without being able to poop, now, while sitting stuck in traffic, I have the sudden urge to use the bathroom. FML

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Out of it

Time don't heal nothing

Where are you?

By crushed - United States - Raleigh

Today, I got really excited when I got an email from a guy I've been flirting with in my math class. Turns out he thinks I stole his calculator and wants it back immediately. There goes my chance. FML

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By Alison - United States

Today, the "hot" guy I've been talking to for a few weeks sent me a picture. He was very overweight and not good looking at all. He then followed up with, "Now send me one of you so I can prove to all of my friends that you're real." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 16-year-old son broke two of his fingers playing with Play-Doh. FML

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By pappy - United States - Lees Summit

Today, my friend asked me if I flirted with any girls during our shift. I said, "No, not any I could think of." He then told me there was a note on my windshield that said, "Call me" with a phone number on it. After my shift, I went to my car excited and read the note. It was just a penis. FML

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By Koda

Today, I passed out when my blood sugar dropped. Three times. And each time, my roommate, who was right next to me, just let me fall because he liked the way my face looked. FML

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By AdoKitty - United States - Redlands

Today, the 4-year-old I was babysitting came up to me all happy, saying she went to the bathroom like a "big girl". Knowing she was just potty trained, I asked if she'd remembered to flush. Looking at me confused, she said, "But it's in my room." FML

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By xBubbles38 - United States

Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went bowling with my mom and she paid for 2 games. By the 6th frame of game 1 she was bored and to get her money back for both games she told the employees I shit my pants. I'm 17. FML

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By fizzie101 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend jerking off to what I thought was porn on his phone. He was actually beating it to Siri's voice. FML

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By kate - United States

Today, I was eating at Applebees at a high table with bar stools. I was reaching over to get some gum out of mom's purse when my chair flipped out from under me and my soda fell on top of me and got in my ear. To make things worse, the waiter ran over and shouted "I give that one a 10!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finished a fence around my house that I have been working on all week. About an hour after I finished, a water company truck pulled into my driveway. They told me they would have to take down my fence to make repairs on a water pipe. FML

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By R_Horsefeet - Netherlands

Today, the guy I was seeing texted me a photo back of myself I had sent him earlier, saying I'm such a beautiful woman, suggesting that I set it as my profile pic. Too bad he doesn't think I'm pretty enough without a lot of enhancements, because he photoshopped the hell out of that thing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, I was bitched out by my shrew of a mother for getting engaged, to a man. She's not homophobic, but rather pissed off because gay marriage is "trendy" and she wants me to be "above that nonsense". Hurray for love. FML

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By thickly - United States - Fayetteville

Today, my boss had to order some more work pants since mine were worn out after 7 months. He told me the next set I would have to buy myself since they last workers about 2 years, and I must be treating them too roughly. I didn't want to admit that my thighs rubbing together ended up shredding the fabric. FML

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By inthesticks - United States - Orlando

Today, I was cleaning off my couch so my nephew could crash here for a few nights. It's been so long since we've sat on it that it is now inhabited by rats we didn't know were in the house, including newly born ones. FML

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By socargone

Today, I'm so bad at parking that I saw the guy next to me openly cringe as I pulled into a spot. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, for the third time in as many months, I woke up early and got dressed up for our department’s networking breakfast, where I stood in the back with no seat and no food, while employees from other departments and less senior staff ate breakfast. My boss later asked me if the food was good. FML

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By Bilibók Renáta

Today, I drove my car into a fence because a spider was crawling from the mirror. The police laughed their asses off. One of them asked, "What should I write in the report? That she got scared of a spider?" Then he wrote just that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Papillion

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my 10-year-old brother. FML

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By fuck you walmart - United States

Today, at work, I was screamed at and slapped by a woman for supposedly violating her 2nd Amendment rights. In reality, I'd simply turned her away from the 10 items or less line because she had well over the allowed number of items. I've no fucking idea what's wrong with some people. FML

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By Cslouth - United States - Rochester

Today, it's the five year anniversary of the day I broke up with my girlfriend to see other people. I've not had sex a single time since. FML

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By That escalated quickly.

Today, I was excited by the thought of the bathroom in my rental being replaced after the plumber advised that the leak can't be easily fixed. Instead, the owner's decided to fully renovate and is kicking me out. FML

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By TotallyFkd - United States

Today, I moved back home because I got laid off and could no longer afford my apartment. I decided to take a nap and when I woke up I overheard my Mom telling my Aunt that she used to be so proud of me and wonders when I became such a loser. Burn. FML

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By asshole - 19/4/2020 20:00

Doing his part

Today, I found out that while I was at my job as an "essential" employee, my laid-off boyfriend was at home banging the landlord's daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, a while after finishing and uploading a task, I looked at my peers' work to make sure I hadn't missed anything in mine. One of them had gotten the same idea and had decided to incorporate part of my work into his. "Part" as in "all". "All" as in all of his work is also all of mine. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, at work, a kid rushed into the bathroom to vomit. Understandable, except he threw up into the sinks. Sinks plural, whose drain holes are so small that only liquid can really pass through. Guess who had to clean up vomit chunks. FML

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By jojobobo

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. I started to tear up and told her I had something stuck in my eye. I was secretly thrilled as I had been trying to end it for weeks. Seeing me cry, she immediately took it back. I really just had something stuck in my eye. FML

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By Blueshock08 - United States

Today, I learned that it doesn't matter how good you've screwed a satellite dish onto the side of your house, it won't stop the wind the ripping it off and taking half the wall with it. FML

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By stickers - United States

Today, I was going through my moms closet. On one of the shelves, I found two baby books. One was mine, the other was one for a dog she owned before I was born. I looked through them both. The dog's baby book was filled out more than mine was. FML

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By jadalaheart - 28/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Citrus Heights

Distant love

Today, for the first time in more than two years, a guy asked me out. Too bad he lives halfway around the world. FML

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By it's called an accelerator, grandma, get your ass in gear - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I had my first driving test. The instructor turned out to be the kind of twit who made me do the full 60-minute test, only to tell me afterwards that he was failing me for the only mistake I made less than 2 minutes after the test started. Time wasting tit. FML

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By Mulee - Belgium

Today, I had to run to catch my train, so I didn't get the chance to buy a ticket. When the conductor was in sight, I saw he was a young man and I opened my top a little, in hopes of not having to pay a fine. When I told him I didn't buy a ticket he said: "Close your top, I'm gay". FML

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By Anonymous

Complicated relationship

Today my girlfriend of three years broke up with me. Why? She wasn’t sure about the relationship anymore. She seemed pretty sure though, seeing she was on Tinder less than 2 hours after, thanks to the 3 different friends that all called me about it. FML

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By uggghhhh

Today, it's 3 days before Christmas and my first day of holidays. Today is also the first day I have been sick all year. Hello tonsillitis, goodbye fun. FML

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By karengoeswest

Today, my coworker was talking about how he's met the man of his dreams and they've been dating for 3 months. He showed me a picture of them at Niagara Falls last weekend. His new boyfriend is my husband, who was supposedly on a business trip in Boston. FML

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By Lyn - United States

Today, I'm supposed to start my new job as a Crime Scene Tech. Instead, I managed to electrocute myself with my hairdryer. I'll now have to attempt to explain to them that I really am qualified to safely operate an electrostatic lifting device, and other expensive equipment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Danville

Today, working night shift at a nursing home, I can tell the difference between the smell of different people's urine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Redding

Today, I found out that someone I once babysat got a girlfriend before I did. FML

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By Nessa - United States - Pomona

Today, my mom got out a camcorder she's had a while. She said there were tapes of me when I was a child. The first tape I put in was a porno of her and her ex-boyfriend. FML

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By Chels

Today, I was giving my boyfriend oral, and he got so into it that he grabbed my hair. Just as he was about to climax, he pulled my hair so hard that my extensions came out. I jerked back and hit my head on the wall behind me. He then came in my hair. FML

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Top comments

By PryderPlayer017 | 5

#7822191 - Friday 19 July 2019 1:53

shittiest situation, ever

By RichardPencil | 28

#7822195 - Friday 19 July 2019 2:33

At least the traffic jam in your intestines is loosening up. Hopefully, the automotive traffic will also start to flow as freely and rapidly as your turds.

COMMENTS

By PryderPlayer017 | 5

#7822191 - Friday 19 July 2019 1:53

shittiest situation, ever

Reply

BLACKHEART46101 | 6

#7822589 - Friday 19 July 2019 21:57

zp89p66 tgv v8u

By RichardPencil | 28

#7822195 - Friday 19 July 2019 2:33

At least the traffic jam in your intestines is loosening up. Hopefully, the automotive traffic will also start to flow as freely and rapidly as your turds.

By acmariner99 | 23

#7822205 - Friday 19 July 2019 5:11

Gonna have some roid rage?