Work: Today, a woman at work was complaining about her weight. She...

By Anonymous - United States - Conover

Today, a woman at work was complaining about her weight. She looked pretty thin, so to make her feel better, I said that she looked small. She said "Well, you haven't seen me naked." For some reason, I replied, "Not that you know of." FML

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Work

Let's go girls!

On the beat

I'm a mess

By anonymous - United States - League City

Today, my mom came into my room, yelling at me about a pregnancy test that she found in my bathroom. My mom wouldn't believe me when I said it wasn't mine. Turns out my sister bought the test, threw it under my bathroom cabinet, and now she won't admit to the prank. She thinks this is hilarious. FML

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47241

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By Bortenssen - Australia - Perth

It was either an expensive event, or learn to manage your money.

Today, I found out that the reason I couldn’t buy a commemorative jacket to wear at my rugby club's 50th anniversary was because the event had already happened. I paid in full for the event, and it cost me most of my savings. FML

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780

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1351

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By anonymous - United States - Grandville

Today, at the yacht club I work at a girl ordered a Portabella wrap. She asked for no cheese or veggies, just the Portabellas. After she got the sandwich and ate half of it, she sent it back saying she didn't know it had mushrooms in it. FML

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48542

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By Foxy17 - 5/8/2020 05:01

Noisy lover

Today, the new heart medication I take makes it hard for me to get an erection. It also gives me gas. My wife is getting sick of me farting when we're finally able to screw. FML

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1562

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127

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By justgivemethed - United States - Westminster

Today, I was tutoring a band member. Whenever I ask him to play a D or any D scale, he stops just to snicker and say, "Ha ha. D." He still sucks. I hate his guts. FML

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42756

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By JennyPenny - United States - Lawrence

Today, I found out that even though your brother agrees to watch your dogs for a week, it does not mean that he will pick up after them. Apparently, it's okay to leave piss and shit all over the deck and floors because they're not his dogs and he shouldn't have to clean up their messes. FML

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24524

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By SwingingChili

Today, to prove a point to my brother that playing the lotto isn't a sure thing. I got a $10 scratcher. Thinking I'd get nothing or maybe just another scratcher, I ended up winning a free scratcher plus $100. The second scratcher I got an additional $50. Now he's even more confident to win every time. FML

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23567

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By jolene11 - United States

Today, I found out my husband doesn't love me. At all. He told me this while playing Call of Duty with his friends with his microphone on. FML

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37623

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By ouch - United States - Stockton

Today, I cracked my tooth. I was so tired I put my pretzel stick in my tea and took a bite out of my spoon. FML

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23790

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my brother told me to, "Stop bitching and get over it" after I complained of pain from my stomach after invasive surgery. This from the guy who spends multiple hours a day playing Halo and whining about the stupid ways he got killed. FML

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25693

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By fml9124 - 5/12/2020 02:02

Weird-ass kids

Today, my Asian girlfriend broke up with me because I'm not Asian, I'm Irish-American, 100%. She doesn't have a problem with me, though. It's her kids. Her grown children want her dating Asian men. She's 62, I'm 63. Is that like reverse racism when the kids are more racist than the parents? FML

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1027

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, a couple asked me to donate my eggs so they could start a family. When I refused, I was called heartless by my ex-husband and the woman he cheated on me with for over two years. FML

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39802

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2382

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By babyfatt - Australia

Today, I handed my resume in to a cafe that was hiring. I returned home and noticed a voicemail, it was one from the boss for a trial. I eagerly returned the call, showing my enthusiasm. Without thinking, I ended with "ok love you. *GASP* ah, BYE" and quickly hung up. FML

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12540

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27113

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By busfail - Canada - Burnaby

Today, while I was on the bus to work, a morbidly obese man sat down next to me. When my stop came and I stood up to get off, he just looked at me, said with a smirk, "good luck with that," and went back to reading his paper. I missed my stop. FML

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33477

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By yacoob - United States

Today, I figured out that my baby-powder container can be closed by twisting the cap. I just got back from a long trip. My suitcase used to be black. FML

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7596

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By Sacho

Hiking is so much fun!

Today, 4 miles into a mountain hike with my crush, I suddenly felt a stomach pain, followed by the urge for explosive diarrhea. I had to stand still with my butt clenched to prevent shitting myself. There were no nearby bathrooms, and I didn't have any toilet paper. It was messy. She'll never see me the same. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1684

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146

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2020 23:02

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Today, I found out my girlfriend talks to around 18 other men for fun. She says she loves me more, but I told her to prove it, so I took her phone and deleted the social media accounts that she made just for these men. Now I'm a "toxic controlling monster" because I don't let her chat with random men. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1527

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730

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket. I put the ticket in my bag and accidentally left the bag in my friends car. When I returned, the car window was smashed, my bag was gone. I had to call the police department and ask them to send me a new ticket, on top of the $1000 or so I'd already lost. FML

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46896

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By Aliiiice - France - Offranville

Today, I started doing it again. I'd given up for years, but when I saw the pack I just couldn't help myself. One taste was enough to make me finish off the whole pack. Nobody knows that I've fallen off the wagon and I'm so ashamed of myself. Today, I began eating my cat's biscuits again. FML

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48596

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By I'm_Not_Interested - United States - Reno

Today, I found out the only reason why a friend of mine even bothered talking to me. He thought that I'd sleep with him if he was nice enough. FML

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29027

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By Sarah - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I told my younger brother that I'm a lesbian. Now he keeps asking me if I want to play rock, paper, vagina. FML

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31913

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By DangerousDriver

Today, while delivering for a building supply company, I was sent to an incorrect address. I attempted to turn around and got the 24-foot truck stuck in the mud. The homeowner left for work and then called the cops, saying someone was trespassing on his property. FML

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4488

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By _The__Doctor_ - United States - Venice

Today, my skydiving instructor casually remarked that he wouldn't mind "diving into" me sometime. He was strapped to my back the whole way down. FML

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42137

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By fmlfmlfml - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend rekindled the romance with his ex, at my 21st birthday party. One of the few reasons I'd invited her was to show that I trusted him, and I no longer felt threatened by their continued friendship. FML

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36700

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By Makusu420 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad sent me $200 by mail, only to mail it to the wrong person. So now some random person is getting $200 from my dad. FML

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20510

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I talked to my boss about scheduling my urgently needed surgery. She asked me to wait until after Christmas, and told me that I should use vacation time instead of sick leave. She's also not going to give me the total paid time off my contract specifies, because it's "inconvenient." FML

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30922

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, after my car being in the shop for over a day and with no updates from the dealership, I decided to pay them a visit. The place was almost empty, and they hadn't done any work on my car. But judging by the used condom on my back seat, somebody got their own oil checked. FML

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48915

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By myfavoritesgouda - United States - Manhasset

Today, my boss gave me an autographed photo of himself after he heard that I think he's intimidatingly attractive. FML

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41946

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I flashed my boobs at my boyfriend's boss. My boyfriend was wearing tan pants and a black sweater. His boss was wearing black pants and a tan sweater. From 100 feet away they looked the same until my boyfriend came behind me wanting to know what I was doing. FML

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9843

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Guayanilla

Today, I had a serious talk with my boyfriend about our relationship troubles. He stopped me in the middle of a sentence with a huge fart. FML

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25235

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By Anonymous - United States - Campbellsville

Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. We decided to play chicken and I was on the shoulders of the guy I like. Right as we started playing, for some unearthly reason my body decided to let out a little pee. I thought he wouldn't notice since we were already wet. He did. FML

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57461

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By Austin Franklin - United States

Today, I decided to hit on a very attractive girl. I guess I was too drunk to remember it was my family reunion. FML

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9863

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at a concert, I stepped into a restroom to use my nasal spray since my allergies were acting up. Apparently, someone thought that I had been snorting coke in the stall. I was escorted outside and had to wait for the cops until I could explain everything. I missed the headliner. FML

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48399

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By jacked - United States

Today, I was taking a group shot with my friends when I asked a stranger to take the picture for us. He backed up and told us to squish closer together, and when he was at least 20 feet away, he turned and ran off with my camera. FML

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35092

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By steak through the heart - United States - El Monte

Today, I went on a date. I took her out to an expensive steak house. When she was done eating, she got up, said she was married, and told me she only accepted the date because I'd be paying for it. FML

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46923

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By scarred4life - Canada

Today, my mom gave me and my brothers each a cd of her recent photoshoot for her book. I found out later that my mom didn't know how to burn only SOME of the photos on the CD, and ended up burning all of the photos onto the CD. Some of the photos were provocative. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23089

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2075

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By Gustav Fjorder - Switzerland

Today, for breakfast, there were scrambled eggs, boiled eggs, bacon, sausages, fresh bread, croissants, brownies, donuts, fruit smoothie, coffee, tea and orange juice. Too bad no one bothered wake me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39773

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By PTKFML - United States

Today, while in the middle of having sex with my husband, instead of saying something sexy in my ear, he whispered, "We are so gonna make pizza after this." FML

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54631

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandma wasn't feeling well, so I went to her house to check on her. After about 20 mins, I knew she was feeling better when she looked at me and said "So do you have a boyfriend yet? I pray everynight that I get to live long enough to see you with a boyfriend." FML

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39225

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4039

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By jasmith - United States - Addison

Today, my girlfriend claimed she was a Viking because she's pale and has blond hair. She also warned me that if I piss her off she'll go 'berserk' on me. She demonstrated by smacking me in the nuts with a wooden spoon. FML

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26932

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Top comments

By loloalltheway | 23

#5276167 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:14

"TELL ME I'M PRETTY"

By ladylilly25 | 20

#5276161 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:13

That'll make her check where she changes! No more getting naked in front of an open window for her.

COMMENTS

By ladylilly25 | 20

#5276161 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:13

That'll make her check where she changes! No more getting naked in front of an open window for her.

jesustitts | 20

#5276192 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:17

Unless she's into being peeked at. She may do it more often in hopes of OP seeing more.

howdeedoo | 22

#5276388 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:10

Yeah, I don't know anyone who likes being watched while changing, do you?

Shrouds | 14

#5276444 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:29

Me, u can peek at me anytime you want.

Hentai_fml | 6

#5278787 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 3:13

If I can watch them change in return, they can watch me change all they want. ;)

Driblets | 8

#5279788 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 9:48

82- do those Hentai characters watch you change? And if so would you like it? :p

Hentai_fml | 6

#5281463 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 2:20

If I could watch them change they can do anything they want.

By _krystallynn_ | 11

#5276163 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:14

omg i wouldve laughed so hard lol. did she get mad at you?

COOL__Coal | 12

#5276229 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:22

No she thanked him.

By loloalltheway | 23

#5276167 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:14

"TELL ME I'M PRETTY"

Shrouds | 14

#5276458 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:33

You so purrrdy.

lhazz11 | 23

#5276516 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:50

Trixie Tang? Is that you?

Mech1989 | 13

#5276714 - Monday 24 December 2012 19:02

Well said!! I love it.

Dadothy | 8

#5277491 - Monday 24 December 2012 23:24

Rodger, is that you?

seacadet | 18

#5279041 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 5:53

"Gosh you're pretty"

loloalltheway | 23

#5279742 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 9:17

Thank you #87, but you haven't seen me naked.

ladylilly25 | 20

#5280206 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 15:20

Not that you know of!

By killcolt | 6

#5276169 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:15

Hold. Brb. Dying of laughter.

COOL__Coal | 12

#5276209 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:19

No, come here now!

buck33 | 14

#5276403 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:14

4 - I'm holding. What do you have to say?

Shrouds | 14

#5276472 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:36

Is that like a new way to say "Stop. Hammer Time?"

kobelstone23 | 13

#5276911 - Monday 24 December 2012 19:45

If I could thumb down more.....I would.

By Mooish | 18

#5276173 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:15

That is where you would play it off with a random and made up backstory!

insertnameherr | 11

#5276408 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:15

There's no way to play it off.

By jesustitts | 20

#5276175 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:15

Well that's a little creepy and possibly embarrassing for both.

Myo_fml | 20

#5276327 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:46

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

cash_raj | 5

#5276495 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:43

her name is jesustits...

MissEmma_fml | 22

#5276541 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:57

No it's not. It's jesustitts.

zen1979 | 16

#5277557 - Monday 24 December 2012 23:45

Captain Obvious is just her rank and division.

By LiterOfCola | 16

#5276177 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:16

And that reason is that you installed a video camera in her bathroom to protect her from burglars while she shits?

False_Stupidity | 41

#5277447 - Monday 24 December 2012 23:06

Well I got the two past FML references and thumbed you up, even if no one else did.

Very good

By Cassandrax731 | 5

#5276179 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:16

You've just made yourself the pervert among your co-workers!

By rara_boo | 7

#5276180 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:16

Lol I woulda pissed myself laughing. I assume she took it badly.

By SaltukBugraHan | 8

#5276184 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:16

Haven't I tought you anything? Never confess!