Today, a woman at work was complaining about her weight. She...

By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 06:37 - United States - Conover

Today, a woman at work was complaining about her weight. She looked pretty thin, so to make her feel better, I said that she looked small. She said "Well, you haven't seen me naked." For some reason, I replied, "Not that you know of." FML

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Work

Dad jokes, part 43884

Time don't heal nothing

The student becomes the master

By Anonymous - 7/2/2011 11:43 - Australia

Today, I was walking to the shops when I saw my friend about 10 metres in front of me, waiting at the traffic lights, by herself. Jokingly, I shouted out "Who's that really ugly person waiting at the lights?" The girl turned around. It wasn't my friend. FML

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By lifestinks - 23/8/2009 03:29 - United States

Today, my work finally hired someone to replace some leaky pipes at work. I work in the basement by myself, and just as I walk under the newly fixed pipes, I get soaked with water. Apparently it was connected to a toilet. My boss couldn't find a replacement so they made me work covered in piss. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2017 00:30

Stoner Logic

Today, I've been sleeping with my drug dealer from high school who I still buy pot from for the past week. He made me go down on him a few days ago and he smelled funny but I didn't say anything. Today, he told me he only showers 2-3 times a month and he thinks he's a genius for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - Halstead

Today, I was on a date with my boyfriend when he suddenly got down on one knee and proposed. A waiter tripped over him and spilled our food all over him. FML

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By Pedro the Basuraman - 11/5/2018 20:30

Today, after 27 years of dedicated and loyal service, it finally happened, I was robbed at gunpoint at work. The whole heist only took about 30 seconds and the perpetrator took off without taking anything from me. I still don't get it. What kind of screwball would hijack a garbage truck? FML

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By Grossed out - 14/2/2009 21:37 - United States

Today, my mother was driving me and my friends to a wedding. My friends and I were talking about birth control, and then my mother chimes in, "Yeah, I used to use the sponge, but the spermicide would always burn your dad's penis." FML

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By angry - 4/11/2009 18:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on web cam to my girlfriend who was naked. She turned the web cam to point to the screen for a second and she was also on web cam with another guy. FML

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By WTF? - 1/4/2011 15:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I caught my boyfriend secretly using my hair straightener while I was in the other room. Too embarrassed to talk to him about it, I left and came back later, only to discover him slipping on a pair of my panties. FML

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By Lord Buttfuck IV - 29/8/2015 14:06 - France

Today, my mum took away my laptop and my phone and won't let me call, text, or go out with friends for one month. Why? I left the toilet seat up. I'm writing this from a public library. FML

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By jhftrainer23 - 5/8/2011 14:42 - United States

Today, the woman I'm training at work asked, while staring intently at the keyboard, "now, which one of these buttons is the space-bar again?" She is 80 years old, types about 1 word per minute, and I have just one week to get her completely trained. FML

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By Emcee - 5/6/2009 10:48 - Philippines

Today, it was graduation day, and the very first time I'm hosting an event. When I got on stage, I stared at the audience for a good 5 seconds, then I fainted. FML

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By thanksmom - 9/1/2013 19:57 - United States - Tucson

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents. As he was loading his truck, I went inside to take a surreptitious shit. I ended up clogging the toilet, and so the first thing my mom said to my boyfriend was, "You'll have to find another bathroom; she just clogged it all up." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2011 03:41 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I've gained weight. He replied, "Why do you think I've been so often on top lately?" FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2014 20:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my college did a fire drill, and instructions were given by intercom in English and Spanish. The guy beside me mused: "If they say it in English and Mexican, why not say it in Black too?" That guy is my idiot brother, and he was dead serious. Sometimes I think our parents are related. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2010 06:29 - United States

Today, at Arby's, there were two cute guys behind me in line. Right before ordering, my dad said loudly "Go get the calorie sheet. You need to lose more weight before you think about going after those guys." FML

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By vikingunicorn - 23/5/2010 05:47 - Canada

Today, I was feeling very ill after a severe anxiety attack. I asked my boyfriend to hold my hand until I fell asleep. He said he couldn't because he needed both hands to play on his gameboy. FML

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By BaldingQuick - 2/2/2010 07:34 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. This was after I saved several paychecks to afford to give her a weekend away for her birthday. Why did she end things so quick? Because apparently I'm balding faster than her Dad. I'm 20. FML

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By junior07 - 31/5/2017 22:00

Today, I gave my niece a $100 bill instead of a $10 so she could buy ice cream. When I realized my mistake, she never returned it but thanked me and gave me a big hug. Now I don't have money for gas or food all week. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2009 07:52 - United States

Today, I was out and was having a wonderful time. At exactly midnight, I get a call from my father. He's divorcing my mother. He's also going to Florida with his mistress for the weekend. If that wasn't the best news ever, he'd love if I found an apartment to live in ASAP. FML

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By Kath - 8/2/2009 13:55 - Poland

Today, I was reading an article about girls who have low self-esteem and end up whoring around to feel better. When I finished, I realized it was actually written by my best friend. The girl in the article was me. FML

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By IssacB - 17/7/2015 17:56 - United States

Today, I came home after just 3 weeks of being away. It seems like my pool now has its own mini-ecosystem. FML

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By terrible kenny - 30/1/2011 09:24 - United States

Today, as I went into my calculus class, the teacher announced that someone had received a negative grade on the test we were getting back. I laughed and said, "Which f*cker managed to get a negative?" Turns out I'm the dumbass. FML

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By Melissa - 8/3/2020 14:00

Badmouth Strikes Again

Today, my 7-year-old sister had to tell my mom to watch her language. FML

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By everyoneheard - 28/3/2013 15:11 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was eating out with a group of friends and my boyfriend. During the meal, I accidentally took a sip from my male friend's glass. My boyfriend pointed and said, "Babe, you took his drink." My friend responded by putting his arm round me and saying, "Whatever, I took her virginity." FML

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By Sleepless - 4/8/2016 18:44

Today, after countless nights of no sleep and only some spontaneous naps, I was finally seeing a sleeping doctor to analyze the problem. I missed the appointment because I ended up sleeping through my alarm after not being able to sleep at all last night. FML

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By loving grandaughter - 27/11/2010 11:28 - United States

Today, after months of cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner for my husband's grandmother due to her getting a hip replacement, I overheard her calling me a whore over the phone from the next room. FML

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By VacationRuined - 16/6/2013 23:22 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I left for a one and a half month trip to Japan with my boyfriend. He promptly broke up with me the first night in the hotel. When asked why he couldn't have waited until the trip was over, he said he didn't want to create "false memories". FML

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By boogery - 26/1/2015 19:17 - United States

Today, after putting a bag of dirty laundry in the laundry room to wait for an open washer, I came back to find a "free stuff" sign on all of my expensive jeans, new towels, and favorite sweatshirts. The bag was over half empty. FML

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By sexual parrot - 21/4/2014 18:42

Today, my boyfriend's parents' parrot won't stop imitating my sex moans, and keeps doing it whenever I speak. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2012 09:51 - United States

Today, due to nervousness, I threw up while proposing to my girlfriend. FML

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By nomegusta - 5/1/2013 15:59 - United States

Today, I unknowingly used my shampoo thinking it was leave-in-conditioner. While walking to work, it started to rain. I started to produce suds. FML

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By Jaws - 10/2/2011 16:09 - France

Today, I got slapped in the face by my girlfriend with a banana skin, because I finished up the chocolate cake. FML

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By HURP - 17/6/2015 15:41 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I wore a sleeveless shirt for the first time in years, when I glimpsed something on my shoulder that looked like a spider. I let out a scream that sounded like a donkey having a stroke and flailed my arms. Then I realized it was my tattoo, and that I was freaking out everyone on the bus. FML

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By alone - 14/2/2012 05:34 - Australia

Today, I arranged to have some flowers delivered at work for Valentine's Day so that my colleagues will think someone likes me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2013 05:33 - United States - Romulus

Today, I found out that the messages about the issues in my sex life that I'd been sending to my best friend had been sent to my mother via iMessage. She's coming over for dinner tomorrow. FML

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By ericane27 - 27/12/2011 19:53 - United States

Today, I woke up to someone screaming "FIRE!" When I sat up, my face went right into my room-mate's ballsack. Apparently it was funny. FML

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By jack - 8/10/2012 18:36 - United States - Mcnabb

Today, my girlfriend of 3 months got mad at me because I thought she was attractive. She has an identical twin, and she says if I think she's attractive, I must want her twin too. FML

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By Shelly P. - 29/1/2012 00:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me twelve roses and told me that he would love me until the last one dies. Remembering the Facebook like, I began looking for the fake one but couldn't find it. When I pointed out that all twelve were real and would die within days, he responded, "Exactly." FML

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By Kelly - 26/5/2019 20:30

Today, my mom dropped me off at a friend's house. Upon leaving, my friend's mom said how much I looked like my mother. My mother then replied, "That's funny, she was adopted." This was the first I'd heard of this. FML

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By justgreat - 24/3/2012 02:30 - United States - Opa Locka

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while giving me head. FML

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Top comments

By loloalltheway | 23

#5276167 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:14

"TELL ME I'M PRETTY"

By ladylilly25 | 20

#5276161 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:13

That'll make her check where she changes! No more getting naked in front of an open window for her.

Comments

By ladylilly25 | 20

#5276161 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:13

That'll make her check where she changes! No more getting naked in front of an open window for her.

jesustitts | 20

#5276192 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:17

Unless she's into being peeked at. She may do it more often in hopes of OP seeing more.

howdeedoo | 22

#5276388 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:10

Yeah, I don't know anyone who likes being watched while changing, do you?

Shrouds | 14

#5276444 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:29

Me, u can peek at me anytime you want.

Hentai_fml | 6

#5278787 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 3:13

If I can watch them change in return, they can watch me change all they want. ;)

Driblets | 8

#5279788 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 9:48

82- do those Hentai characters watch you change? And if so would you like it? :p

Hentai_fml | 6

#5281463 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 2:20

If I could watch them change they can do anything they want.

By _krystallynn_ | 11

#5276163 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:14

omg i wouldve laughed so hard lol. did she get mad at you?

COOL__Coal | 12

#5276229 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:22

No she thanked him.

By loloalltheway | 23

#5276167 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:14

"TELL ME I'M PRETTY"

Shrouds | 14

#5276458 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:33

You so purrrdy.

lhazz11 | 23

#5276516 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:50

Trixie Tang? Is that you?

Mech1989 | 13

#5276714 - Monday 24 December 2012 19:02

Well said!! I love it.

Dadothy | 8

#5277491 - Monday 24 December 2012 23:24

Rodger, is that you?

seacadet | 18

#5279041 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 5:53

"Gosh you're pretty"

loloalltheway | 23

#5279742 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 9:17

Thank you #87, but you haven't seen me naked.

ladylilly25 | 20

#5280206 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 15:20

Not that you know of!

By killcolt | 6

#5276169 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:15

Hold. Brb. Dying of laughter.

COOL__Coal | 12

#5276209 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:19

No, come here now!

buck33 | 14

#5276403 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:14

4 - I'm holding. What do you have to say?

Shrouds | 14

#5276472 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:36

Is that like a new way to say "Stop. Hammer Time?"

kobelstone23 | 13

#5276911 - Monday 24 December 2012 19:45

If I could thumb down more.....I would.

By Mooish | 18

#5276173 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:15

That is where you would play it off with a random and made up backstory!

insertnameherr | 11

#5276408 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:15

There's no way to play it off.

By jesustitts | 20

#5276175 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:15

Well that's a little creepy and possibly embarrassing for both.

Myo_fml | 20

#5276327 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:46

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

cash_raj | 5

#5276495 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:43

her name is jesustits...

MissEmma_fml | 22

#5276541 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:57

No it's not. It's jesustitts.

zen1979 | 16

#5277557 - Monday 24 December 2012 23:45

Captain Obvious is just her rank and division.

By LiterOfCola | 16

#5276177 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:16

And that reason is that you installed a video camera in her bathroom to protect her from burglars while she shits?

False_Stupidity | 41

#5277447 - Monday 24 December 2012 23:06

Well I got the two past FML references and thumbed you up, even if no one else did.

Very good

By Cassandrax731 | 5

#5276179 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:16

You've just made yourself the pervert among your co-workers!

By rara_boo | 7

#5276180 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:16

Lol I woulda pissed myself laughing. I assume she took it badly.

By SaltukBugraHan | 8

#5276184 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:16

Haven't I tought you anything? Never confess!