Today, a woman at work was complaining about her weight. She...

By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 06:37 - United States - Conover

Today, a woman at work was complaining about her weight. She looked pretty thin, so to make her feel better, I said that she looked small. She said "Well, you haven't seen me naked." For some reason, I replied, "Not that you know of." FML

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Work

Understandable

All for nothing

Boozehound alert

By StillBurning - 19/8/2017 01:30

Today, I enjoyed my favourite pizza topped with jalapeños for an extra kick. I later got to feel that kick a second time as I vomited in the middle of the night. Some came out my nose. FML

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3616

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By baffled - 22/8/2012 20:36 - United Kingdom - Norwich

Today, I had to slowly explain to my best friend that when babies are born, the umbilical cord is attached to the baby's belly-button, not the mother's. FML

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22441

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2015 14:21 - United States - Boca Raton

Today, my grandpa accidentally posted a nude photo of himself on Facebook. I will never be able to unsee that. FML

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29978

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2014 06:56 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I discovered that one of our cats is super creepy. He humps the blankets on my mother's bed while staring at her while she's sleeping. FML

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41734

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By bopbop - 20/5/2009 01:21 - United States

Today, my brother came out to our family as being gay. My mother starting crying because "She wanted grandchildren." I told her that I was planning on having children. She started crying harder. FML

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By right - 2/8/2013 14:08 - United Kingdom - Weymouth

Today, after giving me my very first orgasm, my boyfriend sat me down and had a serious chat with me about my orgasm face. Apparently it reminded him of the scene in the Exorcist with the possessed girl, and it really freaked him out. FML

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By coco1234 - 9/3/2020 12:35

Brain melt

Today, I stood there for 10 minutes trying to fix the toaster, until I called my brother to help me. I'd forgotten that it wasn't plugged in. He now thinks I'm a complete idiot. FML

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476

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By creepedouthostess - 17/6/2009 07:12 - United States

Today, while working in a restaurant, I took an elderly man to his table under a red colored lamp. He asked me if this was "the red light district." I thought he was just kidding until when I was placing down the menus he leaned in and whispered creepily in my ear, "You know, you're really sexy." FML

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43288

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 23:04 - United States

Today, the handle in the port-a-potty broke off, with me inside. FML

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31988

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By CallMeJesusFreak - 23/6/2011 23:58 - United States

Today, I couldn't prove my son has had chickenpox, so his school gave us the option of getting a potentially dangerous shot he didn't need, pay for an expensive blood test to show that he previously had the virus, or sign a waiver stating I'm a religious nut refusing medical treatment. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 00:46 - United States - Detroit

Today, it was my first day at my new job at a nursing home. Not only were we short staffed, two residents passed away, and I got beaten up by an old man. FML

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By luciazee - 6/6/2013 20:51 - Peru - Lima

Today, after having spent years staying in school, working hard to achieve good grades, and avoiding all the bad kids, my mom accused me of having no direction in life and complained about how I haven't given her a grandchild yet. I'm 19. FML

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57866

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2013 15:14 - United States

Today, I left my son with my husband while I went to the store. Ten minutes later, my dog was missing a large patch of fur, and neither of them can stop laughing. FML

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By shawnsmuffins - 20/3/2015 02:23 - United States - Tampa

Today, after telling my parents that I want to be a vegetarian, I got grounded. Apparently, "black people can't be vegetarians" and, I'm "crazy for even suggesting something like that." FML

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By shithole - 26/12/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, my dad and I found in my house a water filter that has not been changed in over 20 years. We have been drinking that water that has been going through a filter that had more colors than a rainbow on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2017 11:30 - New Zealand - Auckland

Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew!

Today, I was writing an essay while sleep-deprived. In between actually writing, I started typing my thoughts. It was only after I’d submitted the essay that I realized that I hadn’t deleted the random words. My teacher can see my early-morning rambling about potatoes. I have no way to delete it. FML

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3307

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By wtf dad - 22/7/2020 23:00

Property law

Today, I asked my boyfriend, who’s a massage therapist, if he could help my mom with her chronic migraines by massaging her head and neck. My dad came home, saw them in the dimly lit room and knocked my boyfriend out cold for "touching his woman." My boyfriend dumped me and wants my dad arrested. FML

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2101

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2009 02:56 - United States

Today, I was trying on dresses in a stall that requires an employee of the store to have a key to open. After I took off one dress to go to another, an employee quickly opens my door, to give the stall to someone else. The entire store could see me in my granny panties and bra. FML

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35941

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By Titi14 - 4/3/2010 03:19 - United States

Today, my best friend decided she wanted to tell my boyfriend about the time I pissed myself laughing at her house. When she was telling the story I ended up laughing so hard, that I pissed myself again. FML

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13491

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By Lor - 9/10/2019 06:00 - Canada - Toronto

Perfume Allergy Man strikes again!

Today, a woman got on the bus wearing extremely strong perfume and sat in the seat in front of me. The gentleman I was sitting next to began violently sneezing, so much so that he eventually sneeze-vomited all over my lap and backpack. FML

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By anonix - 21/12/2014 19:08 - Canada

Today, a customer came in with a laptop smashed beyond repair. She asked if we could recover her files, but thanks to my idiot boss' new store policy I had to ask her a bunch of questions, including if she had tried "turning it on and off". She stared at me, speechless, like I was a complete moron. FML

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38794

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By dontplaywithmyfeelings - 3/3/2015 01:42 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I got a new job and told everyone about it. A few hours later, I got an email from the executive saying I actually don't have the job anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2010 20:42 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend asked how long he'd have to wait until he could ask out my best friend. We broke up yesterday. FML

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33432

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2015 00:26 - United States - Eureka

Today, I moved into my new apartment complex. I left some items including a cherished painting my best friend made for me outside the front door while I moved furniture into my bedroom. When I went back outside, someone had kicked a huge hole in the painting. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31444

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By N/A - 25/9/2012 04:13 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I went to my gynecologist's for a check-up. After the doctor checked me I went to the bathroom. It turns out the walls aren't soundproofed, because I could hear the doctor telling his assistant, "God! How did she ever find a husband?" FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2020 08:19

Rock Bottom Riser

Today I realized that my boyfriend has more money on his Metro card than I have in my entire bank account. FML

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By Des - 11/5/2019 18:00

Today, it’s been 3 weeks since I had an interview for an internship this summer. I’ve applied to over 40 internships over the past 6 months, and this was the only interview I’ve had. I banked my entire summer on this. FML

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1600

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By PissyPants - 20/6/2010 05:12 - United States

Today, I finally got my first kiss. I was so excited, I pissed myself. FML

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45134

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2014 10:12 - Malta - Qormi

Today, after a dental appointment, my lips were numb. On the bus on my way back home, the cutest girl smiled at me. In attempt to smile back, I forgot my lips were numb and ended up spitting my chewing gum at her. I had to switch buses. FML

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By PizzaBoySwag - 4/6/2011 09:36 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from high school at the exact pizza shop we met at where I worked in high school. She broke it off with me after she caught me cheating with her best friend. These days, she's a lawyer who makes six figures a year. I still work at the same pizza shop. FML

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By West of the day - 22/9/2020 05:01

Forever Alone

Today, I've been feeling horny a lot lately, so I downloaded Tinder and subscribed to Tinder Gold. The only matches I've had are with bots and people saying 'subscribe to my Instagram for premium content.' FML

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782

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By breakinphones - 20/2/2011 02:03 - United States

Today, I threw my brand new iPhone 4 in the air whilst laying on my bed. It came down, went through my fingers, landed on my balls, then broke on the concrete floor. FML

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11608

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By tay - 10/4/2012 11:13 - Australia

Today, I found out that my mother is extremely emotional when it comes to animal deaths when a bird flew into the window and died, and she insisted we have a funeral. FML

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By dez - 16/10/2016 05:05 - United States - Louisville

Today, I asked a customer to send me via e-mail the image he wanted me to print. He said, "I don't have an email, I have a Gmail." FML

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13456

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By GeriGeriBoBeri - 28/12/2011 08:59 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car at a gas station. A man stopped to help me with a wire hanger. After about 20 min in the freezing weather, he was getting close to unlocking it when I looked over at the passenger door to see that it was unlocked. All the doors were unlocked but the driver's side. FML

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10155

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By ivyleaguebabe - 3/6/2009 21:48 - United States

Today, my sister asked me to help her set up for my niece's birthday party. Being the lazy person that I am, I got my niece to blow up the non-helium balloons. Apparently she's allergic to latex and I'll be the one paying for the hospital bill. FML

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15722

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By Marjorie - 13/7/2012 17:08 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my eight-year-old son. He broke his arm after jumping out through the second story window. He was too impatient to walk to the ice cream van pulling up outside. FML

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31093

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By ouch - 19/12/2009 15:15 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with the worst stomach cramps ever. My boyfriend came, looked at me writhing in pain, and said, "Well at least if it's a tapeworm you'll get skinnier." FML

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By merse - 18/2/2010 13:20 - United States

Today, my parents decided they won't pay for college because of a Fox News story that said higher education "makes you liberal." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2014 05:42 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, in a waiting room, my 4-year-old daughter told me she saw two guys kissing. I quietly explained that some men like men, they're gay, and normal like everyone else. I was pleased with myself until the woman across from me scoffed and muttered, "Disgusting." FML

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Top comments

By loloalltheway | 23

#5276167 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:14

"TELL ME I'M PRETTY"

By ladylilly25 | 20

#5276161 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:13

That'll make her check where she changes! No more getting naked in front of an open window for her.

COMMENTS

By ladylilly25 | 20

#5276161 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:13

That'll make her check where she changes! No more getting naked in front of an open window for her.

jesustitts | 20

#5276192 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:17

Unless she's into being peeked at. She may do it more often in hopes of OP seeing more.

howdeedoo | 22

#5276388 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:10

Yeah, I don't know anyone who likes being watched while changing, do you?

Shrouds | 14

#5276444 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:29

Me, u can peek at me anytime you want.

Hentai_fml | 6

#5278787 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 3:13

If I can watch them change in return, they can watch me change all they want. ;)

Driblets | 8

#5279788 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 9:48

82- do those Hentai characters watch you change? And if so would you like it? :p

Hentai_fml | 6

#5281463 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 2:20

If I could watch them change they can do anything they want.

By _krystallynn_ | 11

#5276163 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:14

omg i wouldve laughed so hard lol. did she get mad at you?

COOL__Coal | 12

#5276229 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:22

No she thanked him.

By loloalltheway | 23

#5276167 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:14

"TELL ME I'M PRETTY"

Shrouds | 14

#5276458 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:33

You so purrrdy.

lhazz11 | 23

#5276516 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:50

Trixie Tang? Is that you?

Mech1989 | 13

#5276714 - Monday 24 December 2012 19:02

Well said!! I love it.

Dadothy | 8

#5277491 - Monday 24 December 2012 23:24

Rodger, is that you?

seacadet | 18

#5279041 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 5:53

"Gosh you're pretty"

loloalltheway | 23

#5279742 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 9:17

Thank you #87, but you haven't seen me naked.

ladylilly25 | 20

#5280206 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 15:20

Not that you know of!

By killcolt | 6

#5276169 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:15

Hold. Brb. Dying of laughter.

COOL__Coal | 12

#5276209 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:19

No, come here now!

buck33 | 14

#5276403 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:14

4 - I'm holding. What do you have to say?

Shrouds | 14

#5276472 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:36

Is that like a new way to say "Stop. Hammer Time?"

kobelstone23 | 13

#5276911 - Monday 24 December 2012 19:45

If I could thumb down more.....I would.

By Mooish | 18

#5276173 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:15

That is where you would play it off with a random and made up backstory!

insertnameherr | 11

#5276408 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:15

There's no way to play it off.

By jesustitts | 20

#5276175 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:15

Well that's a little creepy and possibly embarrassing for both.

Myo_fml | 20

#5276327 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:46

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

cash_raj | 5

#5276495 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:43

her name is jesustits...

MissEmma_fml | 22

#5276541 - Monday 24 December 2012 17:57

No it's not. It's jesustitts.

zen1979 | 16

#5277557 - Monday 24 December 2012 23:45

Captain Obvious is just her rank and division.

By LiterOfCola | 16

#5276177 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:16

And that reason is that you installed a video camera in her bathroom to protect her from burglars while she shits?

False_Stupidity | 41

#5277447 - Monday 24 December 2012 23:06

Well I got the two past FML references and thumbed you up, even if no one else did.

Very good

By Cassandrax731 | 5

#5276179 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:16

You've just made yourself the pervert among your co-workers!

By rara_boo | 7

#5276180 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:16

Lol I woulda pissed myself laughing. I assume she took it badly.

By SaltukBugraHan | 8

#5276184 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:16

Haven't I tought you anything? Never confess!