Today, a police officer pulled me over. He asked me where I was...

By Nightbird827 - 2/12/2015 14:34

Today, a police officer pulled me over. He asked me where I was headed, so I jokingly replied, "Probably to jail after you run my name". He laughed and took my information, only to then arrest me for unpaid parking tickets I never received. FML

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Miscellaneous

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Doomed

Great guy

By huwauw - 17/9/2010 20:33 - United States

Today, I was doing my homework on the computer when my dad walked by with a plate of food, threw his fork at me, and said "POSTURE!" FML

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By glam300 - 30/12/2011 18:21 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend commented on my short skirt and, thinking she was being funny, tried to pull it down. I quickly moved away, causing it to come off in her hands. My shocked scream attracted the attention of at least a dozen bystanders. FML

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By sadcapri96 - 23/6/2011 21:40 - United States

Today, the old lady I've been taking care of and running errands for died. She hadn't paid me yet. FML

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By KO - 12/10/2014 16:45 - United States

Today, in the middle of sex, my husband accidentally headbutted me, almost knocking me unconscious. FML

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By hiddenplainly - 24/2/2017 10:00 - United States

Today, I did my budget. I have a good job, make decent money, and work full time, but without including any flexible spending items like groceries, I make $32 less than my bills each month. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2013 06:22 - United States - Lacey

Today, I was at my class's band concert. Before the curtain was raised, I helped haul the piano to a different spot so a girl who would've had to stand behind it could be seen. I said, "There, now your mom can see you play!" She responded with, "My mom's blind." FML

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By Noname - 27/2/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, I was sleeping because I had been sick. The closest bathroom to mine is the one in my parents room. I wake up and feel like I have to throw up, I run into my parents room to go to the bathroom. I walk in on my parents having sex. Shocked, I gasp for air then throw up all over their bed. FML

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By blakeintheoffice - 8/8/2012 13:53 - United States

Today, my insane boss decided I poop too much. Now, every time I go to the bathroom, he follows me in and tries to get me to hurry up by reading passages from 50 Shades of Grey. FML

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By festival virgin - 29/5/2013 19:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I gave my boyfriend our festival tickets to keep hold of while I excitedly went home to get ready. He took someone else. FML

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By I hate my job - 23/12/2014 08:14 - Canada - Delta

Today, I went to my retail job to buy some clothing. As soon as I walked through the doors, my manager yelled at me for not being in appropriate work clothes. I tried to explain that I was off the clock but he was having none of it. I got written up. FML

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By Damn You Fortnite - 17/8/2018 15:00

Today, I discovered that my little brother sold my PS2, 3 and 4 along with all of my games in exchange for credits to use in Fortnite. I've had some of that stuff since before he was born. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2020 23:13

The Guru

Today, my husband told me he'd met a life guru online who, after paying the £29.99 consultancy fee, advised him to seize happiness at all times. So he decided to seize the 19 year-old redhead across the street, move in with her and get her pregnant. This is the happiest I’ve seen him in years. FML

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By LockedOut - 25/7/2009 00:55 - United States

Today, my auto-repairman told me my heavy mass of keys was bad for the ignition switch and suggested I separate my house and car keys. I began to carry my car keys and lock the house keys in my glovebox. My car was stolen. I now have car keys but no car and a house with no house key. FML

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By kicking me while I'm LITERALLY down - 7/11/2017 05:00

Today, I was hit by a car while riding my bike, so I called my dad for help. He blamed me for the accident, said he wasn't sure what I wanted him to do, and suggested I call my mom instead. She isn't picking up. FML

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By ohmylordy - 29/10/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, while talking with my girlfriend about dating, I learned that she has had more girlfriends than I have. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2017 18:00 - Australia

Today, I'm a youth worker. I drove 7 hours to visit a teenage girl I have been working with, and who recently moved. Due to roadworks, it took me 2 hours longer than expected. When I arrived, she told me to fuck off and closed the door in my face. FML

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By Hooty - 2/9/2015 21:52 - United States - Groveton

Today, I had yet another debilitating migraine that kept me awake. In the middle of the night, I heard an owl hooting. Thinking it was cool, I moved closer to the open window to hear better. After a few minutes, I realized it was actually my new neighbor having loud sex. My aunt moved in next door. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2019 00:01

Today, after a year of living with my girlfriend, I came to the conclusion that I'm never going to marry her. I packed my things, wished her well in her life, and loaded everything up into my car. It's been working fine up until this afternoon. Now it won't start. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2015 18:12 - Australia

Today, I went on a date. After we finished our meal, I had to use the bathroom really bad. When I said so, my date totally lost it and accused me of planning on climbing out a window and ditching her. "Fuck that and fuck you!" she said, then stormed out, leaving me with the bill. FML

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By psychopumpkin - 13/5/2013 14:16 - United Kingdom - Boston

Today, I'm so strapped for cash that I smuggled toilet paper out of my mother's house. FML

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By CaityLovesBo - 5/2/2012 18:49 - United States

Today, my mom went to the store. She said she was feeling generous, and had gotten everyone a little treat. My brothers each got candy and a movie. I got acne medication. FML

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By fuckkkkk - 17/5/2015 06:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after getting my dream job and quitting old one, I was told my position is strictly "experimental" and will only last 2 months. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2012 17:03 - Estonia

Today, after weeks of coming home to find my furniture all tipped over, thinking the place was haunted, and accepting my boyfriend's offers to come over and "comfort" me, I came home from work early. I found my boyfriend in the kitchen, kicking over all the chairs. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2016 09:34 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, a customer tried to return some pricey lingerie. She said she didn't have the packaging, but had never worn them. The skidmark I accidentally touched begged to differ. FML

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By stinky - 12/12/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, my coworker friend told me she was going to the restroom. Soon after, I did the same. Once in the stall, I could smell a stench emanating from the next one. I yelled, "Ew, you stinky bitch" and sprayed air freshener under the partition. As I left the stall, my friend walked into the restroom. FML

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By Pissed - 20/6/2016 19:27 - United States - Asheville

Today, I purposefully spilt my 44oz. cup of water on myself at work, because spending the rest of the day in soaking wet pants was less embarrassing than letting people know I'd pissed myself. FML

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By Surfinbird09 - 20/12/2009 12:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked a girl I liked for her number, but she claimed she had a broken phone and was getting a new one for Christmas. Unhinged, I go home and go onto Facebook. First thing I see is her status: "Why is no one answering my calls?" FML

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By Jack00412 - 8/7/2014 19:55 - United States - Montague

Today, I walked outside to find my 3 year old daughter and her pet fish playing together on the swings. FML

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By RAB - 18/7/2020 02:02

Lovin' it

Today, as the manager of a McDonald's, I had to ask a group of high school kids to calm down after several complaints from other guests. Their rational response was to pour soda on my head and throw burgers at me. Upon returning from chasing them out, I sprained my foot. FML

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By (-__- ) ( ^.^) - 11/10/2013 21:00 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, trying to be romantic, I started coming on to my wife while in bed, only for her to yet again say she wasn't in the mood. When I asked why she never is lately, she sarcastically blamed it on the government shutdown, then rolled over to go to sleep. FML

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By mook - 15/7/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, my neighbor confessed to me that he was homophobic and regrets that his family doesnt know it. He spent fifteen minutes explaining how much he would hate to have a gay child. I spent two hours last night convincing his son that it was the right thing to tell his family he was gay. FML

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By me - 7/3/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, I apologized to my boyfriend for thinking he was cheating on me right before another girl posted pictures of them together on her myspace. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2020 08:00

Phoney sex

Today, after having some great, intimate phone sex with my boyfriend, he immediately said, "Well, gotta go," and hung up. Thanks for making me feel like some sort of phone-hooker, dude. FML

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By foops - 2/2/2014 21:50 - United Kingdom

Today, my dogs freaked out and started getting violent because they thought the sound of my vibrator was the other's growling. FML

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By nothungry - 29/7/2009 00:47 - United States

Today, after four years of anorexia and lots of recovery, my parents took me out to dinner with my counselor and whole family to celebrate my progress. I ended up eating something that made me vomit everything I ate. My parents now think I am bulmic and are sending me back to counseling. FML

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By jonnah - 5/3/2010 13:06 - Canada

Today, I told my boyfriend I love him. His response? "Is that why you have been so clingy and annoying lately?" FML

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By Links - 20/11/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, a McDonald's employee had to correct my math after counting out $2.37 in change. I'm in AP Calculus and am currently learning how to find the derivative of an inverse of a logarithm. FML

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By xswitch74 - 16/3/2015 14:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my ex called me up to suggest that we become friends, only so that she could introduce me to her new boyfriend. FML

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By NotHappyJan - 3/12/2018 03:00

Today, I thought I'd take advantage of the lovely weather and sunbake topless in my grandmother's back yard. My grandma went up the street to do some shopping and didn’t tell me that men were coming to mow the lawn. I was laying on my back. FML

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By gircos - 30/4/2014 00:10 - United States - Westerly

Today, I learned my girlfriend was cheating on me. After giving her a second chance and meeting her parents for the first time, her father said at the dinner table, "I like the other guy better." FML

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Top comments

By dman798 | 18

#6475976 - Thursday 3 December 2015 1:28

Sounds like it wasn't a laughing matter after all

By bella_nana347 | 23

#6475987 - Thursday 3 December 2015 1:32

That's actually really funny. Sorry you have to pay for that ticket now though, OP

COMMENTS

By Zach_Puncake | 14

#6475974 - Thursday 3 December 2015 1:25

first

By dman798 | 18

#6475976 - Thursday 3 December 2015 1:28

Sounds like it wasn't a laughing matter after all

By mariri9206 | 32

#6475979 - Thursday 3 December 2015 1:28

I'm sorry, OP, but that's actually really funny.

By bella_nana347 | 23

#6475987 - Thursday 3 December 2015 1:32

That's actually really funny. Sorry you have to pay for that ticket now though, OP

By HowlingFire | 21

#6475988 - Thursday 3 December 2015 1:33

Careful what you say...

But seriously, that sucks. Is there any way to prove you never got those tickets?

By NYM88 | 26

#6475991 - Thursday 3 December 2015 1:36

Oh, the irony!

By Mathalamus | 24

#6475997 - Thursday 3 December 2015 1:39

Maybe you should not joke about it... I mean, it's a policeman, the one person who don't want stupid jokes.

I would arrest myself for being that stupid...

Lalala579121 | 27

#6476027 - Thursday 3 December 2015 2:02

The officer did laugh though.

I_own_a_dog | 11

#6476076 - Thursday 3 December 2015 3:35

Most officers I've had the experience talking to prefer a bit of humor, kinda breaks up some tense moments and in that line of work there are plenty..