Today, a pigeon got into my apartment. After knocking over a...

By Eric Ngan - 12/5/2012 16:01 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, a pigeon got into my apartment. After knocking over a very expensive vase, it panicked, rammed itself against a window, and shat all over the floor as it tried to get out. FML

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Animals

That'll be Kevin in accounting

Near the knuckle

Bad guy (duh)

By Anonymous - 10/10/2013 17:59 - United States - Wallingford

Today, while despairing over having been rejected for my dream job, I received an email asking me to come back in for another interview. Then they called me to say they accidentally sent the email to all the applicants, and that they definitely aren't interested. FML

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By Kahlilah Kilgore - 20/10/2019 16:00

Touching story

Today, I was half asleep when my cat came over to cuddle. I was petting her in the dark when I felt what I thought was a patch of matted fur under her neck, as if she had been injured and bleeding. Alarmed, I felt for that spot again and found myself holding her tail. What I'd felt was in fact my cat's anus. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2012 23:47 - United States

Today, after a visit with my mom, I started feeling sick. I meant to send her a text asking if she had gotten sick lately, but I accidentally sent a text asking if she had gotten dick lately. FML

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By mypelvishurts - 23/2/2013 07:32 - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, my boss told me to go outside and take part in the company's stupid Harlem Shake video. When I declined, he threatened to fire me if I didn't take part. I ended up being the guy who had to furiously pelvic thrust before the music dropped. FML

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By Wobblefat - 14/12/2016 13:16

Today, I was watching porn when I found a lookalike of my soon-to-be sister-in-law. She's attractive, so I enjoyed watching her getting it on by herself. Needless to say I did not finish as I saw another "lookalike" entering the room. I have now seen my brothers erect penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2012 18:09 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I had an admissions interview at my dream college. I spent hours practicing questions and picking the perfect outfit. It was not until after the interview that I realized I'd scratched a pimple while waiting, and my forehead had been smeared with blood the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2015 03:45 - Australia - Canberra

Today, while trying to score a date, I almost made a girl pass out. No, I didn't try to chloroform this one. I just came across as so pathetic that she laughed hard enough to have an asthma attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 23:03 - Canada

Fucking Facebook memories

Today, Facebook showed me pictures from five years of a happy time I had traveling with a boyfriend, who later ended our 8-year relationship by telling me he had gotten an apartment and furniture in secret, and was moving out. No warning, no reason, no explanation. He never spoke to me again. I loved him. FML

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By anonymous - 5/2/2014 02:48 - United States

Today, due to the dry weather, my nose became dry and began to bleed so I plugged it with toilet paper and went about my business. Forgetting about it, I later went out to smoke a cigarette. Not paying attention, I lit the toilet paper on fire as well. FML

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By EmDa - 21/4/2011 14:44 - India

Today, I ran into a guy who I was completely in love with for months. After a couple of minutes, I realised he totally bores me senseless. What a waste of 4 months obsessing over that shithead. FML

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By couturier - 2/1/2010 07:08 - France

Today, I emptied out a bottle of water onto my porch as I was going into my house. Only a couple of hours later, I decided to leave and slipped on what had turned into ice, bruised my tailbone and sprained my wrist. FML

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By call me humpty - 30/6/2018 20:30

Today, my dad knocked me down the steps while chasing my brother around the house shouting, "Get back here you pervert!" at the top of his lungs. I have a concussion and a vertebrae fracture because my dad is a religious nutjob and he caught my 22-year-old brother having premarital sex. FML

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By Mitchellbassists - 17/4/2015 15:27 - United States - Dayton

Today, while mowing my backyard, I carelessly ran over a fire ant hill. Thousands of tiny stinging insects blowing towards you while you're wearing shorts and a t-shirt is definitely not fun. FML

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By haha247 - 14/8/2009 14:09 - United States

Today, I was helping my brother clean his room. While putting clothes away, I found a box of thongs. They were mine. FML

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By kjmsit - 16/6/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I reached into my fridge to grab a strawberry soda. I noticed the can had started to leak from the top so I slurped up the spilt red liquid on the top of the can. I realized it wasn't soda, but blood from a defrosting steak on the shelf above it. FML

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By iwassoclose - 10/4/2013 16:32 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and I told him I was close to having an orgasm. He smirked and started talking like Yoda, saying, "Strong with the cum, this one is". Orgasm gone. FML

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By hipthrustdude - 18/5/2009 12:04 - Malaysia

Today, I got really excited at work over a deal I was about to close. I got up and started performing a rather obscene hip thrust only to notice a client sitting in the glass meeting room. FML

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By Sarah Lyn Guillen - 24/6/2019 04:59

Today, I saw the cutest baby watching a show with my Dad. After commenting how cute she was, my Dad goes on to say, "Yeah, most babies are cute. Except you, you looked like a lizard." FML

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By framed - 2/4/2016 12:30 - United States - Portsmouth

Today, I was chatting with a new guy at work. He cracked a joke about me and I jokingly gave him a light push on the shoulder. Half a second after I touched him, he threw himself back and hit the floor yelling in "pain". Now I'm suspended because of this psycho. FML

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By hoaloha - 30/7/2012 04:40 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I went to the store to buy some new shirts. I tried them on and none of them fit. When I walked out to return the shirts, everybody was staring at me. I looked down to see why. I'd forgotten to put my original shirt back on. FML

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By Shoutout1011 - 15/4/2017 22:00

Today, my 6-month-old daughter decided she'd scream every time I'd answer her cries instead of her daddy. He just left for a 12-hour shift at work. Only 11 more hours to go. FML

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By so much for a good day - 15/7/2011 17:14 - United States

Today, I grinned for five minutes straight because my friends told me it would put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. It gave me a migraine. FML

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By DriedDeadFroggo - 4/6/2019 04:06

Today, my dog has figured out how to open screen doors on his own, by body checking them at full force, of course, like one does. This would be all fine and good, but we live by a lake with a considerable mosquito infestation. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. When he told me I had tennis elbow I said "that's funny I don't play tennis". Then he asked me if I had a girlfriend. When I said no he said "Well I guess we solved this one." FML

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By mockable - 6/4/2012 11:09 - United States

Today, I was informed that one of my store managers does a "great" impression of me. No one will tell me what it is, but apparently it's really funny. FML

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By Slayeddd - 28/10/2009 13:06 - United States

Today, I realized that I have to block my number to get my own mother to take my phone calls. FML

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By tony1401 - 2/2/2010 16:00 - United States

Today, I got another email from Amazon asking me how I like my new Kindle. I don't have a Kindle. It's the one I bought my ex for Christmas, right before she left me while I was deployed overseas. FML

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By CT - 25/11/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I was told by my mother that the reason she quit her job as a counselor and divorced my dad was because she met someone through work. She works in a prison. FML

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By Grrrr! - 23/4/2011 14:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he wanted to hunt Easter eggs before we have sex. I'm glad he has his priorities straight. FML

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By clementine_k - 22/3/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I went out for coffee with a guy I really like. We met up at the local café, and decided to sit at a counter in front of the window. We talked and flirted for a while. Then he kissed me, and while he was kissing me someone banged on the window. It was my parents. They didn't know I'm gay. FML

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By tryingnottocare - 6/8/2009 20:01 - United Kingdom

Today, after being supportive for nearly a year, my brother finally came out of the closet and introduced the family to his new boyfriend. His new boyfriend happens to be my ex-boyfriend. Guess I know why that didn't work out now. FML

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By perfectmoment - 10/10/2009 22:22 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called me and told me he wanted me to stay the night. I decided to wear my sexiest outfit for him so I put on my kinky nurse outfit and drove over to his house. I let myself in his front door, to which I found 40 of my closest friends staring at me for my surprise birthday party. FML

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By rockytrolley - 8/10/2014 09:01 - Cyprus

Today, my taxi driver kept falling asleep and swerving off the road, so I asked him if he was okay. He stopped and burst out sobbing about the long hours he had to do after his divorce and his wife taking all he had. Long story short, I ended up driving him home and getting a taxi from his place. FML

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By Desperate_measures - 16/1/2010 12:22 - Greece

Today, I got a text from my crush. In my clumsy attempt to quickly grab the phone, I knocked it off the kitchen counter and cracked the screen. After driving to my friends house so I could put my sim card in her phone, I saw that the text said "who's this? stop texting me." FML

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By Shawn Bennight - 10/6/2020 08:07

Alexa, play "I Won't Share You" by The Smiths

Today, my wife of 23 years said she wanted a divorce, that she didn't love me anymore and is moving out. Why? I told her I didn't want us to date and have sex with other people. FML

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By Ashton Sprunger - 30/12/2011 05:38 - United States

Today, I was taking people's orders at the drive-thru. I was confused as to why people were screaming their orders at me, until one of my managers handed me a paper that he'd found taped to the menu, saying "speak loudly speaker isn't working properly." Punkd. FML

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By tiffylueg - 21/6/2016 13:38

Today, my allergies are killing me. I took a Benadryl to help, but the allergies are still here. I'm now chugging Mountain Dew at 9:30 in the morning to keep from falling asleep at my desk. Thanks for nothing Benadryl. FML

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By not-that-fat - 27/7/2009 13:49 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend when I said "I wish all the weight I gained just went to my boobs." His reply was, "They'd be HUGE." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, the painting I worked on for three weeks was rejected from an art contest because the rules prohibit fan art. It wasn't fan art. They mistook it for Twilight fan art. FML

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By what_the_hell - 20/6/2013 08:35 - Finland - Helsinki

Today, while bagging my groceries at a store, a lady came over to me, took a good look at the food I'd bought, picked out an item and put it in her bag. When I confronted her, she called security on me and told them I wanted to steal her stuff. I got thrown out and she walked away with a smirk. FML

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Top comments

By SpottedZebra42 | 14

#4426386 - Saturday 12 May 2012 23:15

That pigeon sure didn't tweet you right!

By gottageek | 17

#4426380 - Saturday 12 May 2012 23:14

Sounds like you should have rotisserie pigeon as vengeance.

COMMENTS

By gottageek | 17

#4426380 - Saturday 12 May 2012 23:14

Sounds like you should have rotisserie pigeon as vengeance.

lonkite101 | 14

#4426426 - Saturday 12 May 2012 23:25

1- Normal people don't give vengeance on pigeons...

egc573 | 40

#4426445 - Saturday 12 May 2012 23:29

Ignore #1's advice OP.
Don't take this accident too personally. Seriously, do NOT go all Captain Ahab on Singapore's pigeon population. They might go all The Birds on you.

lopsop | 12

#4426599 - Sunday 13 May 2012 0:26

Usually the birds die after hitting my window

iLickRainbows | 2

#4426623 - Sunday 13 May 2012 0:36

Squab is really tasty :)!!

The_Hitdude | 12

#4426639 - Sunday 13 May 2012 0:43

11-Normal people can also take a joke.

lonkite101 | 14

#4430851 - Sunday 13 May 2012 23:36

31- it was a joke

By I_heart_sex | 1

#4426382 - Saturday 12 May 2012 23:14

I hate pigeons! They flying rats.

Il_Maestro | 6

#4426423 - Saturday 12 May 2012 23:25

If you see flying rats I would recommend you also see a doctor.

llamafish | 25

#4426447 - Saturday 12 May 2012 23:30

DOCTORS ARE NOT THE SOLUTION TO EVERYTHING.

Violence, however, is another story.

VasilisaUzhasnaj | 29

#4426454 - Saturday 12 May 2012 23:31

10 - You mean like bats? Things of legend, I know.

SpottedZebra42 | 14

#4426468 - Saturday 12 May 2012 23:34

15 - No, but THE Doctor is.

NeDaroft | 5

#4426592 - Sunday 13 May 2012 0:24

Yeah man the nazis had doctors to fix their nazi legs so they could walk around and kill people lol

Il_Maestro | 6

#4429311 - Sunday 13 May 2012 15:35

16 - bats are not flying rats

By SpottedZebra42 | 14

#4426386 - Saturday 12 May 2012 23:15

That pigeon sure didn't tweet you right!

lebronesque73091 | 12

#4427497 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:03

Pigeons are pure evil.

ethanbin | 10

#4427695 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:49

How could they do that?! I though people and pigeons had a deal!

Il_Maestro | 6

#4427910 - Sunday 13 May 2012 6:42

Exactly! The OP mentioned nothing about a proper "@" tag

Autobot93 | 10

#4428368 - Sunday 13 May 2012 9:19

My dad refers to pigeons as "ghetto chickens" :)

By paperroll880 | 16

#4426394 - Saturday 12 May 2012 23:16

What a mess

SpottedZebra42 | 14

#4426414 - Saturday 12 May 2012 23:22

You don't say?

By Webslinger66 | 10

#4426397 - Saturday 12 May 2012 23:18

Troll pigeon.

waitwhatsgoingon | 18

#4429695 - Sunday 13 May 2012 18:06

Sir, your profile picture has officially disturbed the shit out of me.

By stormchaser24 | 24

#4426403 - Saturday 12 May 2012 23:19

Wow WTF.

By French_Toast_fml | 3

#4426405 - Saturday 12 May 2012 23:19

Those Angry Birds are at it again!

By wannagofast | 3

#4426407 - Saturday 12 May 2012 23:19

You mad bro?

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#4426521 - Saturday 12 May 2012 23:50

Damn it, i'm not your mother fucking bro! Do you want my Swedish friend and I to find you and beat your arse?

instnt1nfction | 17

#4426615 - Sunday 13 May 2012 0:32

Damn what happened, A-TEEN, you were rude funny but now you're mean rude.

pokefan813 | 16

#4427088 - Sunday 13 May 2012 2:44

No, he's just tired of over used memes.

MysticKnight | 3

#4428544 - Sunday 13 May 2012 11:10

19- you mad babe?

By tennisrapper1 | 14

#4426436 - Saturday 12 May 2012 23:27

Wow that pigeon must have been one angry bird! ;)

By chouter21 | 10

#4426442 - Saturday 12 May 2012 23:29

That sounds like a very annoying pigeon...