Work: Today, a man asked about fishing in the river which flows beside... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Maybole

Today, a man asked about fishing in the river which flows beside where I work. I said you could, but anything you caught under 5 inches has to be thrown back. His wife then said, "Wish I knew that before I married him." I started to laugh. The man almost cried and complained to my boss. FML

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Walk on the wild side

Bad news

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By Grossed out - United States

Today, my mother was driving me and my friends to a wedding. My friends and I were talking about birth control, and then my mother chimes in, "Yeah, I used to use the sponge, but the spermicide would always burn your dad's penis." FML

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By Biologyfacepalm - United States

Today, my students presented their projects on genetics to the rest of the class. One student told the class that salted and unsalted peanuts were an example of genetic variation. She was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Longmont

Bad thought

Today, I found out that my parents have thought I'm lesbian for at least a year. I now understand why my dad has been trying to get me to "hang out" with his co-worker's daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was jacking off casually to a picture of my ex-girlfriend, when all of the sudden, my friend sends me an IM picture of a granny bending over which pops up on my screen. I think my sex life is ruined forever. FML

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By anonymoose - Australia - Adelaide

Today, in the middle of our one year anniversary dinner, my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend showed up declaring her love for him. They left together and I had to take the bus home. FML

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By ugh - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I went to an important job interview. I was really anxious but tried to soldier on anyway. When I was called in, my nerves got so bad that I reverted to speaking my second language. Not first, second. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting the job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 17 year old asked me whether to chew or swallow grapes. I raised this dumbass. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - East Northport

Today, I was unaware that me losing my virginity was also breakup sex. FML

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By Anonymous - Afghanistan - Kabul

Today, thinking we'd still be able to finish our project in time for tomorrow's deadline, my work group put off doing any work until today. When we logged into the website we have to use, we found it was down for maintenance all day. FML

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By embaressed - Canada

Today, I realised I like Britney Spears. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Olive Branch

Today, I was talking to my brother about how careless people are. Minutes later, I shocked myself with my dog's shock-collar. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at some point, and for some reason I'll probably never fully understand, it seemed like a good idea to get completely shitfaced on tequila and try to shave my ballsack with a straight razor. I'm not sure if these wounds will ever heal. FML

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By Mommy - United States

Today, I was driving when a guy in a truck swerved in front of me. I didn't realize I'd sworn until I'd come to a red light and my one year old daughter yelled her own version of what I said. She now yells "Chicken in the hole!" whenever the car comes to a stop. FML

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By NO NO NO - Netherlands - Den Haag

Today, I came home a little earlier than usual, only to walk in on my dad frantically trying to remove a ballgag from my mom's mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

The customer is always an ass

Today, I was yelled at by a customer, who was upset over having waited twenty minutes for a waiter to come take her order. Maybe it would be understandable, if she was sitting in an actual restaurant, and not a serve-yourself coffee house. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 23:00

Stuck in TV Hell

Today, I'm self isolating with a mother who hogs the remote but doesn't know how to use it, and is so short-sighted she can barely see the TV. Every five minutes, I hear, "What have I done now?", "How have I got onto this then?" and she won't let me help her. FML

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By Myself - United States

Today, after a few months of my neighbors friend parking outside his house and honking until he came outside, I happened to be out doing lawn work. I politely screamed "STOP HONKING YOUR F***ING HORN!" To which they responded by moving in front of MY house and holding down their horn. I hate people. FML

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By JamesK

Today, I went out with my kids to eat at a nice restaurant. While I was in the bathroom, my 7-year-old daughter ordered 15 plates of "pearls" on the menu. Those "pearls" turned out to be salmon caviar. Guess who got a 425$ bill. FML

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By sochunky - United Kingdom - Bromham

Today, someone had thrown up onto the last remaining seat on the train. Guess who accidentally sat in it. FML

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By Ben - United States - Lansing

Time to grow a beard?

Today, my girlfriend told me she won't have sex with me anymore. When I asked her why, she said I've lost too much weight and I look like her son. Her son is 4 feet tall & 9 years old. I'm 6 feet tall & 30 years old. She said having sex with me feel like having sex with her son. FML

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By Wronged - Singapore

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me because she found a bra in my cupboard. It was hers. FML

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By justabitembarrassed - United States - Chagrin Falls

Today, my boyfriend learned how to somersault. He now thinks that he's a ninja and somersaults into every room. FML

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By no, don't save me or nothing - Canada - Woodstock

Today, some aggressive asshole was tailgating me on my way home, bumping into me twice. I got scared and kicked my car into high gear and got out of there. Seconds later, a traffic cop came out of nowhere and pulled me over for speeding. FML

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By Danielle - Canada - Aldergrove

Today, it's day two of my family's camping trip. Despite the weather, bugs, and portapotties, we were doing okay, until the can opener broke. My husband is stubbornly insisting that we live off cereal and peanut butter for another five days. FML

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By HungryStudent - Puerto Rico - Carolina

Today, my 24-year-old, unemployed brother stole all of my food money and went out with his friends. His punishment from our parents? He has to pay me back when he gets a job. My stomach has to wait. FML

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By littleone37 - United States

Today, my mom and sister both told me that they don't like when I come visit with my boyfriend. They love my boyfriend and think he's great, it's me they have a problem with. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was on my way to work. Out of nowhere, my period started. Due to allergies, I had uncontrollable sneezes. Now, I have blood all over my pants. FML

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By Mug - United Kingdom

Today, my boss made me work a longer shift than usual. Not because he needed me in, but just so I'd finish at the same time as his brat of a son, and give him a lift home. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Herford

Today, my boyfriend had the choice of A) living alone gaming, or B) moving in with me, gaming in his own man-cave, lots of sex, and lots of pizza. He chose choice A. FML

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By Poorfish - United States

Today, my fish's tank was all green and nasty, but I had no time to clean it because I woke up late, so the job was left to my mom. When I came back, the water level seemed high, and the fish looked a little strange, so I asked my mom what she did. She said "I cleaned the tank with chlorine!" FML

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By perenoel - France

Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children. After seeing all the others, my daughter's turn arrived. She sat on my lap, put her lips to my ear, and whispered softly: "I want a new dad." FML

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By XxDanno316xX - United States

Today, I was training a new person. The job included driving around the city all day, during which she decided to hang her head out the window and bark like a dog. I spent an 8 hour shift with her. FML

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By peanutprobs - Germany - Bochum

Today, my friend took our prank war too far when he secretly added peanuts to my food. I have a peanut allergy. FML

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By mrteacher - United States

Today, I was driving to work and I had to pee really badly. I am a teacher and my school was another 20 miles so I stopped on the side of the road. About halfway through, a bus full of laughing kids went by. They were all my students. My pants were down. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2020 19:58

Don't do favors for strangers

Today, after getting a friend of a friend a job, overnight she turned into Satan, making a job I once loved a hell on earth. I should really try to get to know people before I do them a favor. FML

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By poorcar - United States

Today, my parents asked if they could borrow my car. Why? Because they were going to see someone about a Craig's List ad and wanted to look poor. FML

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By DamnDominoes - United Arab Emirates

Today, I had just a few dominoes left to complete the whole project that I've been working on for about three weeks. I pressed record on my video camera, flicked the first domino, and watched with pride. When it finished, I realized I hadn't actually pressed record. FML

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By Alice - United States

Today, I was wearing a skirt, and running towards a closing elevator, making it just in time. As soon as I ran in, my pad fell out of my underwear and onto the floor. There were 6 other people in the elevator. I picked it up before I realized I had nowhere to put it, so I held it. For 18 floors. FML

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By great parenting pal - 11/8/2020 02:01

Child labor

Today, I was dining out with friends. I saw a mom instructing her young child to go to empty tables and take whatever cash had been left. I discreetly told the manager. He confronted the woman and pointed right at me. As she was being thrown out, she tossed a very heavy mug at my head. It hit me. FML

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By And you think I'M crazy? - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into an argument. Naturally, I drove over to my best friend's house for comfort. My boyfriend saw me driving past his house and promptly broke up with me for being "a psycho stalker." She lives across the street from him. FML

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Top comments

By Volcan_fml | 22

#5508672 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:49

Who the fuck makes their husband cry in public?

By woainishamu | 21

#5508659 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:47

If he cries over his dick size, he needs to learn to grow up.

COMMENTS

By woainishamu | 21

#5508659 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:47

If he cries over his dick size, he needs to learn to grow up.

Reply

Iamevil123 | 16

#5508681 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:54

Oh the irony...

Reply

SokDek | 14

#5508686 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:57

Sounds like there isn't too much "growing" going on though...

Reply

interesting33 | 36

#5508786 - Monday 27 May 2013 11:59

Hey I think it sounds like it is something much much deeper. And to be honest if it was a guy saying something to a girl about that then the reactions would be completely different. The wife sounds somewhat abusive.

Reply

PrimeRuler | 2

#5509072 - Monday 27 May 2013 16:15

Crying is over the top but the OP said he ALMOST cried so he actually didn't. Anyway, making jokes about a guy's meat is like making a joke about a girl's weight. Classless. But everyone seems to take this less seriously because of double standards against guys.

Reply

LSJEK88 | 1

#5509211 - Monday 27 May 2013 17:43

I'm sure he wanted to cry because he loves his wife and feels like he failed her. That is why this is sad. F that man's life.

Reply

TogeBara | 12

#5509598 - Monday 27 May 2013 22:47

ever thought that maybe he knew she was serious and that he was crying over the fact that he thought he married someone he loved that turned out to be a colossal bitch?

Reply

blackman100 | 20

#5509938 - Tuesday 28 May 2013 4:59

I see what you did there

Reply

fareith | 15

#5510573 - Tuesday 28 May 2013 16:32

He probably went straight to Subway to buy a $5 footlong.

By Volcan_fml | 22

#5508672 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:49

Who the fuck makes their husband cry in public?

Reply

ileenefudge | 29

#5508713 - Monday 27 May 2013 10:19

Apparently that lady.

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5508775 - Monday 27 May 2013 11:47

She's a total bitch.

Reply

JACKxRAWR | 22

#5508861 - Monday 27 May 2013 13:16

Some people forget that abuse can go both ways. OP wasn't to know that though so it's really not his fault.

Reply

Shoot_A_Glock | 6

#5509270 - Monday 27 May 2013 18:38

I thought you were hot but then you ruined it by saying what you did.

Reply

JACKxRAWR | 22

#5509740 - Tuesday 28 May 2013 2:54

#64, she's mediocre at best. :3

Reply

daner10 | 5

#5509999 - Tuesday 28 May 2013 6:05

64 and 79- you guys are total pricks. How
Is she "mediocre" I mean you must be as blind as a bat.

Reply

awalsh317 | 5

#6382968 - Monday 17 August 2015 0:13

yeah that's really shitty

By Grauncho | 26

#5508673 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:50

I guess he has two things in common with a baby.

Reply

ironichalibut | 24

#5508684 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:55

He also poops himself? Where's it say that?
Oh.. I think I'm getting it now..

Reply

CoolRainbowdash | 15

#5509173 - Monday 27 May 2013 17:16

It said that he ALMOST cried. I feel bad for him.

Reply

Grauncho | 26

#5512993 - Thursday 30 May 2013 3:52

And babies don't ALMOST cry?

By shadowedpixie | 19

#5508676 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:50

That's actually kind of sad...

By ironichalibut | 24

#5508677 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:50

It's not the size of the fish, it's the way you season and present the meat.

Reply

AbstraktThoughts | 13

#5508735 - Monday 27 May 2013 10:43

It's not about the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean ;)

Reply

whiplash2289 | 19

#5508822 - Monday 27 May 2013 12:23

though it's really hard to cross the Atlantic in a dingy.

Reply

mattuti | 8

#5509425 - Monday 27 May 2013 20:12

I may not have the biggest boat in the marina, but I do row the hardest.

By mackdeezy | 21

#5508679 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:51

She must be controlling at home, and he must not know how to deal with it. FYL OP.

By cmayer | 20

#5508682 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:55

Poor guy. I get the feeling his wife says mean things like that pretty often.

By vegasdragon | 7

#5508712 - Monday 27 May 2013 10:18

Wow, poor bastard. Not gonna lie though I prolly would've laughed.

By Ariet | 20

#5508726 - Monday 27 May 2013 10:31

Hahaha, if I were you I'd laugh too. :P

By fleur_de_fevrier_fml | 22

#5508733 - Monday 27 May 2013 10:39

Either she has a tendency to humiliate him in public or he is really super sensitive and can't take a joke.
Either way OP, lesson learned. To be honest, I would probably have laughed too, that was a classic burn.