Today, a man asked about fishing in the river which flows beside... - FML

By Anonymous - 27/5/2013 00:40 - United Kingdom - Maybole

Today, a man asked about fishing in the river which flows beside where I work. I said you could, but anything you caught under 5 inches has to be thrown back. His wife then said, "Wish I knew that before I married him." I started to laugh. The man almost cried and complained to my boss. FML

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No justice

Not a cheating!

Vicious and unprovoked

By Safe - 17/4/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left her phone on a bus. With no way to pick it up, I drove 40 miles through Friday night Boston traffic to get it from the bus company office. It took me four hours. Bored in traffic, I discovered the texts from her other boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 00:21 - United States

Today, I woke up to the face of Billy, the puppet from Saw, staring down at me. I was so scared, I wet myself instantly. It was my cousin in a mask, who is staying over for Thanksgiving weekend. FML

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By bigbaby - 16/9/2016 07:06 - United States - Saint Michael

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and panicked because I couldn't find my blankie. I'll be 36 in a month. FML

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By graveyard-sh*t - 29/10/2019 14:00

Oh, hi Sharon!

Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend showed up at my new job to, "Keep an eye on me." The same ex-girlfriend who has been stalking me since we broke up. Two years ago. FML

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By EKG - 11/2/2009 23:33 - United States

Today, after being in the hospital for 2 days with no visitors, I got my first phone call. It was my best friend asking if he could date my ex girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, I was smoking a cigarette while watching the meteor shower. I was just about at the filter and as I was taking my last drag, my friend decided to scare me from behind, and I accidentally sucked the whole thing in my mouth. They don't go out immediately when in your mouth. My tongue hurts. FML

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By me - 12/7/2011 04:20 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I had only been dating him for about a month. Thinking he wouldn't take it very hard, I invited him over so I could tell him in person. Little did I know he was going to start crying on my couch and not leave for 5 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 22:00 - Canada

Today, I went to my Calculus lecture, one of a class of 200 people. As I looked down I noticed that a guy a few rows in front of me was on Facebook. When I took a closer look, I noticed he was viewing my profile. He stalked the profile for a full 45 minutes. I have never met this guy in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2010 10:12 - United Kingdom

Today, while driving through town, I was distracted by a pretty girl walking on the nearby pavement and accidentally rear-ended the car in front of me. Not only did the pretty girl witness the crash and give a statement, it turned out she was a very feminine man. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2009 07:27 - Canada

Today, my band played for our school. We were cheered for and everything. Being the lead singer I tried to look cool and push the mic away and pull it back by pushing down the bottom of the stand with my foot. It hit my face and I bled like crazy but I kept singing. No one clapped at the end. FML

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By - 15/1/2017 10:00

Today, I accidentally uploaded a video of me pleasing myself to my Snapchat story. Five people saw it before I could take it down. FML

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By dusty - 6/12/2018 15:30

Today I picked my baby up from my babysitter's house. As I was getting him ready for bed, I saw blood and immediately went into a panic, rushing to the hospital and trying to contact her to see if my baby fell and she didn't tell me. Turns out it was just hot Cheeto dust mixed with drool. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2012 05:46 - United States - Olympia

Today, I had to pee so bad that I ran downstairs with no glasses on and stumbled into the bathroom, half blind. I sat down on the toilet and realized just a little late that my older sister and her boyfriend were having sex in the bathtub. FML

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By freezingggg - 23/9/2011 14:33 - Reserved

Today, like always, my parents are such tightwads that they refused to turn the heating system on, despite the ball-freezing temperatures. I was so cold, I had to resort to warming my hands up over the toaster. FML

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By Amey - 4/5/2009 09:09 - United States

Today, while watching TV, I danced, sang along, and helped Dora the Explorer get to her Grandmother's house. It was the most fun I've had all year. I'm 21. FML

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By Ariel - 5/10/2020 10:02

Zeitgeist

Today, my dishes smelled so perfume-y after going through the dishwasher and a clean glass of water tasted soapy. I checked the pods my husband bought and loaded into the dishwasher to make sure we never got that brand again. They were laundry detergent pods. I was essentially a millennial eating a Tide Pod. FML

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By stalker - 27/9/2009 17:24 - United States

Today, I had a restraining order put on me. I have apparently been following a woman's daughter home after she leaves track practice and parking my car outside their home. I'm a math teacher at the school and leave everyday at 4:30. I have lived across the street for the past six years. FML

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By AnHoneyMouse - 12/5/2017 02:00

Today, while I was cooking, my dogs were messing around behind me. I suddenly felt a painful bite on my ass cheek and instinctively kicked back. I then realized it was my 3-year-old daughter, who was laying on the floor crying with a nose bleed. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2011 01:12 - United States

Today, I met a really nice guy. He was funny, handsome, and we were both into each other. He told me his name, and when I replied with mine, it came out sounding like "I'm a bear." FML

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By Jeff - 23/5/2019 22:21

Fight Club for Dummies

Today, my boyfriend and I were play fighting. He said, "I should stop trying to hurt you," before punching me in the face. I lost a tooth. He found it hilarious. FML

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By soso - 13/5/2012 21:26 - Sweden - Bor

Today, my boyfriend of two years logged into my Facebook account and broke up with himself. He is now receiving loads of sympathy, while I'm being accused of lying about it to save my reputation. FML

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By kittkatt1 - 11/11/2013 01:52 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out that when you flush an animal clear of blood for research, there is a nerve inside the heart, which when you strike it right, electrical signals cause the animal to writhe as if alive. Now, my boss knows about my fear of zombies, and I'm now terrified of half my job. FML

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By CanWeAllGetOne - 13/11/2013 06:40 - United States - Houston

Today, I realized how amazing I've become at faking orgasms: I made up everything from the noises of my juices to pure, blissful climax over the phone to my husband. He came; I finished putting laundry away. FML

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By claudio117 - 8/4/2012 09:16 - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, during an Easter egg hunt, I found divorce papers. FML

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By stretchy - 6/5/2013 19:58 - United States - Bethesda

Better safe

Today, my boyfriend forced me to do stretching exercises with him before and after sex as a "safety precaution". FML

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By bubbles - 12/10/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I was taking a bubble bath, and had my iPod touch on the side of my bathtub so I could listen to my music. My dog walked up to the side of the tub, looked me in the eye, and nudged my iPod into the water. FML

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By Vinny1017 - 7/10/2010 14:26 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend's father if I could marry his daughter. He smiled, shook my hand, and said "No, now get out of my house." FML

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By pleasedie - 7/5/2015 18:00 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I took a shower with my boyfriend. I tried to be adventurous and went to give him a blowjob, only to end up slipping and head-butting him in the balls. FML

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By Hairy_Potter - 23/1/2014 17:13 - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, I had to accept the fact that I'm going bald, after I noticed the hair on my chest is longer than the hair on my head. FML

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By catlady - 1/3/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, my cat was in the bathroom when I was undressing to get into the shower. I realized that he was the only male to have seen me naked in the past two months. Then he started scratching the door for me to let him out. FML

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By birthdaygirl - 11/3/2009 03:16 - United States

Today, I decided to get dressed up for school because it's my birthday. I was heading to class in my heels. Then, I rolled my ankle, fell down the muddy hill, pulled a leg muscle, and scratched up my knees. At least ten people saw it. I was wearing a white skirt. Happy Birthday. FML

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By Sam - 26/11/2012 04:39 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out that the woman from My Strange Addiction who can't stop picking her scabs is married. I've been single for two years and I don't even pick my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2011 05:45 - United States

Today, I was going to the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. I had awful diarrhea and was almost done, when I noticed a spider on the ground. Being terrified, I took a giant ball of toilet paper to kill it. I realized then that I had no toilet paper left to use. FML

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By Sidney - 7/1/2009 20:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell in love with a girl on the internet, she's great and funny. She says she's 16, but everyone keeps telling me she's only 11 and that I'm a pedophile. FML

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By Cheer4Life - 11/11/2013 21:41 - United States - Bloomington

Today, after making several comments about how I didn't exactly look thin, my boyfriend said, "Well, at least we know you'll look good pregnant." FML

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By Dogmom - 18/12/2018 17:30

Today, I couldn’t tell that my puppy had an upset stomach before I left for work. I came home to her covered in shit inside her crate. After cleaning her up and almost being done with the mess, my husband found where she had tried to lick herself clean and then vomited it up in our bedroom. FML

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By not even getting any of her shrimp - 11/2/2014 21:50 - United States - Draper

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a vegetarian-friendly restaurant. She ordered shrimp fettuccine, and I asked why. She slowly explained to me that vegetarians can eat shrimp, then muttered that she now knows who has the brains in our relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2019 20:01

Today, I found out that the airhead sitting next to me at work who can't get anything done on her own, makes more money than I do. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 09:42 - United States

Today, I tried on the new dress I bought for myself. I, for once, thought I looked pretty all right. I asked my dog, "How do I look?" and she threw up on my pillow. My brother can't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2018 15:00

"shit tickets"

Today, my household ran out of toilet paper so we have to shower after every dump. My mom just confessed that she does in fact have money for shit tickets, but won't buy any because it's the only way she can get my brother to shower. FML

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Top comments

By Volcan_fml | 22

#5508672 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:49

Who the fuck makes their husband cry in public?

By woainishamu | 21

#5508659 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:47

If he cries over his dick size, he needs to learn to grow up.

COMMENTS

By woainishamu | 21

#5508659 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:47

If he cries over his dick size, he needs to learn to grow up.

Reply

Iamevil123 | 16

#5508681 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:54

Oh the irony...

Reply

SokDek | 14

#5508686 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:57

Sounds like there isn't too much "growing" going on though...

Reply

interesting33 | 36

#5508786 - Monday 27 May 2013 11:59

Hey I think it sounds like it is something much much deeper. And to be honest if it was a guy saying something to a girl about that then the reactions would be completely different. The wife sounds somewhat abusive.

Reply

PrimeRuler | 2

#5509072 - Monday 27 May 2013 16:15

Crying is over the top but the OP said he ALMOST cried so he actually didn't. Anyway, making jokes about a guy's meat is like making a joke about a girl's weight. Classless. But everyone seems to take this less seriously because of double standards against guys.

Reply

LSJEK88 | 1

#5509211 - Monday 27 May 2013 17:43

I'm sure he wanted to cry because he loves his wife and feels like he failed her. That is why this is sad. F that man's life.

Reply

TogeBara | 12

#5509598 - Monday 27 May 2013 22:47

ever thought that maybe he knew she was serious and that he was crying over the fact that he thought he married someone he loved that turned out to be a colossal bitch?

Reply

blackman100 | 20

#5509938 - Tuesday 28 May 2013 4:59

I see what you did there

Reply

fareith | 15

#5510573 - Tuesday 28 May 2013 16:32

He probably went straight to Subway to buy a $5 footlong.

By Volcan_fml | 22

#5508672 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:49

Who the fuck makes their husband cry in public?

Reply

ileenefudge | 29

#5508713 - Monday 27 May 2013 10:19

Apparently that lady.

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5508775 - Monday 27 May 2013 11:47

She's a total bitch.

Reply

JACKxRAWR | 22

#5508861 - Monday 27 May 2013 13:16

Some people forget that abuse can go both ways. OP wasn't to know that though so it's really not his fault.

Reply

Shoot_A_Glock | 6

#5509270 - Monday 27 May 2013 18:38

I thought you were hot but then you ruined it by saying what you did.

Reply

JACKxRAWR | 22

#5509740 - Tuesday 28 May 2013 2:54

#64, she's mediocre at best. :3

Reply

daner10 | 5

#5509999 - Tuesday 28 May 2013 6:05

64 and 79- you guys are total pricks. How
Is she "mediocre" I mean you must be as blind as a bat.

Reply

awalsh317 | 5

#6382968 - Monday 17 August 2015 0:13

yeah that's really shitty

By Grauncho | 26

#5508673 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:50

I guess he has two things in common with a baby.

Reply

ironichalibut | 24

#5508684 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:55

He also poops himself? Where's it say that?
Oh.. I think I'm getting it now..

Reply

CoolRainbowdash | 15

#5509173 - Monday 27 May 2013 17:16

It said that he ALMOST cried. I feel bad for him.

Reply

Grauncho | 26

#5512993 - Thursday 30 May 2013 3:52

And babies don't ALMOST cry?

By shadowedpixie | 19

#5508676 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:50

That's actually kind of sad...

By ironichalibut | 24

#5508677 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:50

It's not the size of the fish, it's the way you season and present the meat.

Reply

AbstraktThoughts | 13

#5508735 - Monday 27 May 2013 10:43

It's not about the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean ;)

Reply

whiplash2289 | 19

#5508822 - Monday 27 May 2013 12:23

though it's really hard to cross the Atlantic in a dingy.

Reply

mattuti | 8

#5509425 - Monday 27 May 2013 20:12

I may not have the biggest boat in the marina, but I do row the hardest.

By mackdeezy | 21

#5508679 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:51

She must be controlling at home, and he must not know how to deal with it. FYL OP.

By cmayer | 20

#5508682 - Monday 27 May 2013 9:55

Poor guy. I get the feeling his wife says mean things like that pretty often.

By vegasdragon | 7

#5508712 - Monday 27 May 2013 10:18

Wow, poor bastard. Not gonna lie though I prolly would've laughed.

By Ariet | 20

#5508726 - Monday 27 May 2013 10:31

Hahaha, if I were you I'd laugh too. :P

By fleur_de_fevrier_fml | 22

#5508733 - Monday 27 May 2013 10:39

Either she has a tendency to humiliate him in public or he is really super sensitive and can't take a joke.
Either way OP, lesson learned. To be honest, I would probably have laughed too, that was a classic burn.