Miscellaneous: Today, a kind cyclist rode up next to me to inform me that my... - FML

By ThrewItOntheGrooooooound - Denmark - Odense

Today, a kind cyclist rode up next to me to inform me that my bag of groceries was about to fall off. Exceedingly careful, I slowly brought my bike to a halt. Only at the very second I stood still did I hear the dreaded "twang" as my carrier broke, and my stuff smashed to the ground. FML

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Walk on the wild side

Double standards

Kids and their wacky crazes

By I love L - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I woke up panting and drenched in sweat from a horrible nightmare. I'd been dreaming that bright, colored shapes were falling from the sky and I couldn't make them all neatly align with one another on the ground. I guess I should stop playing so much Tetris before bed. FML

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By IHateProtesters - United States - Hartford

Today, a group of protesters set up just outside my residence hall at one in the morning. After an hour of chanting, the police finally told them to stop, and I was finally able to get some sleep. The protesters responded by pulling the fire alarm in every residence hall on campus. FML

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By kidswithnomanners - United States

Today, I approached my daughter and told her she needs to clean her room. Her response was, "Thank you Captain Obvious." She's 4. FML

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By blackchin III - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, a fly landed on my face. Before I could even react, my brother "helpfully" punched it hard enough to both kill the fly and knock me out. FML

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By thatisfuckedup - United Kingdom

Today, I ordered some burgers at a fast food joint. When I said, "No lettuce," the cashier looked dumbfounded and asked, "What's that?" I literally had to say, "The green stuff" before she got it. I'm losing hope. FML

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By Anonymous

The Spectacular Spider-Thief

Today, I went to a comic shop to celebrate Free Comic Book Day. A guy in a really nice Spider-Man costume showed up, so I asked and got a selfie with him on my way out. When I got home, I realized my wallet was missing from my back pocket. I was robbed by Spider-Man. FML

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By fuglymug - United States - Appleton

Today, I played charades with my girlfriend and her family. When it was her turn to act out a phrase, she simply walked to the center of the room and pointed to herself and then at me. It took less than 5 seconds for someone to correctly guess "Beauty and the Beast". FML

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By infected - Denmark

Today, I had a snowball fight with a friend. In the midst of the game, I stole her hat and put it on my head, ignoring her pleas. Apparently, she was trying to say she had head lice. I can now verify that. FML

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By harambae - United States - La Grange

Today, I accidentally mooed during sex. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Silver linings

Today, I went shopping for a new pair of jeans. I was feeling good about the fact that I was going down a waist size until the cashier decided to discuss with me, three co-workers, and the ten other people in line how she didn't even know jeans came in sizes that big. FML

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By notyourcleaner - Malaysia - Puchong

Today, my new roommate puked into the sink and all over the bathroom floor, before passing out on her bed. Apparently, she was awake enough to wash her own face but not clean up her vomit. We share the bathroom. This is the second time already. FML

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By Kiss-a-thon - Germany

Today, I finally got together with this great guy I've had a crush on for a while. He told me before that he is quite inexperienced, which usually doesn't bother me at all. Turns out "inexperienced" translates to "I will include your nose and chin in our kissing" in this case. FML

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By myrkes - Switzerland - Marstetten

Today, it's the day before my friends' wedding. My dress has not yet been shipped from the online shop where I ordered it three weeks ago, the hand-crafted gift that was ordered last month is trapped at customs and my cats have just managed to open the drawer and eat the wedding card. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Sarnia

Today, I found out that since there are 3 people with the same name as me at work, I'm known as "the ugly one". FML

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By storyofmylife - United States

Today, while I was babysitting, the toddler was feeding me banana slices from her tray while I was cutting up clay for her to mold. It was all fine until she shoved something hard and crunchy into my mouth. I immediately spat it out into my hand. It was a dead cricket she found on the floor. FML

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By Ryan746 - United States

Today, I asked a girl out and made plans to go see a movie. About 5 minutes in, I made a move to put my arm around her and smashed her in the face. FML

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By car keyer - United States - Mary Esther

Why would I do that to me?

Today, I called the police to report that my car had been keyed. I remember going to a bar last night and getting drunk. A surveillance camera revealed that after my drunken self couldn't unlock the door to my car, I punched the door and hurt my fist so bad that I keyed my own car. FML

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By unattractive - Canada

Today, my boyfriend asked me to pick his nose for him. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2021 13:59 - Canada

Splish splash, I was taking a bath

Today, my neighbour decided to get high while leaving his bathtub running, resulting in passing out and starting a flood in the hallways. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I moved back to a small town after 4 years in the city. I was looking forward to getting away from the light pollution until I woke up in the middle of the night, peered into the pitch black void above my head, and had a panic attack. I need a night light at 23. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saddle River

Today, instead of canceling for the third consecutive time due to work-related reasons, my boyfriend sent his twin brother on our date. They both thought I wouldn't notice. FML

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By Unknown - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. He didn't know how to take off my bra and insisted that he'd figure it out on his own. He gave up a couple seconds later and played video games instead. FML

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By PumaGator

Today, I was added to a random group chat. They were planning to film a porno and each member sent a nude. They were all grannies. FML

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By generic_name123 - United States - Washington

Today, I finally got the girl of my dreams' phone number. After texting her "Hey, is this Stephanie?" I got response saying "Sorry bro, I know how you feel, she did the same thing to me." FML

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By sweetjulie

Today, and for the past week, my 5-year-old daughter has been introducing herself as “Mazda. Zoom-zoom!” FML

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By hairdresser - Thailand

Today, my mum started yelling at me for leaving scissors on my desk, which my five year old sister found and chopped all her hair off. She had a lump of hair as proof. After three minutes of her yelling, me crying and apologizing, she laughed and said she was joking. She just cut my sister's hair. FML

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By Schubey - Canada - North Bay

Today, it was my birthday, and I woke up to my dad telling me that we're going to Disneyland. Apparently, by "we" he meant him and my mom. They did, however, make a point to say "happy birthday" before they left. FML

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By fineididntwantkidsanyway - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my girlfriend got into the Christmas cheer while giving me a hand job, smashing my nuts with her palm in time to her humming of Jingle Bells. FML

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By OL2R - United States - Somerville

Today, my best friend texted me saying she is determined to find out what skank her brother is sneaking around with. I've been secretly dating her brother for months; apparently I'm the skank. FML

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By weirdo - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to send him a pic of myself being happy for his phone's caller ID. So I picked out a picture where I'm grinning a big grin, clearly very happy like he asked. He replies back, "You look weird there. Send a pretty one." FML

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By aeghw1s - United States

Today, I started my new job at a restaurant. I am going to be the mascot that stands by the road to wave down customers in a heavy polyester animal suit. The high today is 102. I work 12-4. FML

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By Jong - United States

Today, I arrived at work only to be arrested and accused of stealing over $8000 from my job. 5 hours later at the police station, the discovery was made that the actual thief had an employee ID one digit different than mine. He works at another location over 1200 miles away. FML

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By Anonymous

Run for the hills!

Today, my girlfriend asked me the details for al-Qaeda's plan during 9/11 for an essay. I had no idea and she said she just expected me to know, since I'm "one of those people." I'm Iranian. FML

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By RC - United States

Today, my cousin and I were out on the boardwalk. I walked to the railing next to a man and said, "Great view isn't it?" Then I found out that the man was blind and had a seeing eye dog. FML

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By Unemployed - United States

Today, I checked my email for the hundredth time, hoping to hear back from a potential employer about a job I really want. No response. Why? My email with resume attached has been sitting in my Outbox for the past week. I never actually sent it out in the first place. FML

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By fullmoonfml - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to moon people out of my friend's car window. I rolled down the window and mooned a random couple. You should have seen the looks on their faces when I had to get out of the car and pick up my phone and wallet, which were in my back pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took a nap with a kitten I just adopted from my mom's house. To make her feel more comfortable, I took a nap with her on my bed. In my dream, I kept smelling poo and I felt around on the bed to find the kitten. She apparently had diarrhea on my bed and I had stuck my hand in it. FML

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By Shianna - United States - Holden

Today, my son was fired from his new job, which was going to support us since I recently lost mine. His excuse was, "Conflict of interest." He was a mascot for a fast-food restaurant and refused to dance around. FML

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By Username - United Kingdom

Today, at the age of 17, I had my first kiss with the girl I've liked for over a year. However, it was a stage kiss and the girl has made it clear that she finds me repulsive. FML

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By Sylvania - United States

Today, I was playing a medieval game with my brother, when he took all of his character's clothes off and said, "Let's have sex!" I looked at him and said, "UH YOU ARE MY BROTHER!" He turns and looks at me, smiling and says, "But not in the game!" I am a 19 year old girl. He is 12. FML

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Top comments

By NightCasterZ | 5

#6575846 - Thursday 7 April 2016 17:49

A kind person? Those are rare nowadays.

By DarkLink9001 | 15

#6575842 - Thursday 7 April 2016 17:48

I think it's time to start packing differently...

COMMENTS

By DarkLink9001 | 15

#6575842 - Thursday 7 April 2016 17:48

I think it's time to start packing differently...

By WOTAN1488 | 24

#6575845 - Thursday 7 April 2016 17:49

Use a different bag

By NightCasterZ | 5

#6575846 - Thursday 7 April 2016 17:49

A kind person? Those are rare nowadays.

Reply

UserError94 | 18

#6575959 - Thursday 7 April 2016 20:43

And a kind cyclist at that! Drives me nuts when they ride on two way streets with no bike lane!

Reply

myGRAM | 14

#6576038 - Thursday 7 April 2016 23:19

Where I live a bicycle is considered a vehicle and is legally entitled (required) to ride on the road. I there is no specific bike lane, then there is nowhere else to go than in the main driving lane. Most of them don't obey any other laws though >.

Reply

Kitouran | 30

#6576099 - Friday 8 April 2016 2:20

Yeah, well, it drives me nuts when car drivers try and scare me into a ditch. There are shitty drivers and shitty cyclists.

Reply

9a_z1 | 11

#6576148 - Friday 8 April 2016 3:08

It drives me nuts when cyclists zoom along the pavement when they're meant to be on the road. I'm fine looking out for them when I'm driving but would prefer not to have to dive out of the way when I'm walking along minding my own business.

By niceguy123 | 17

#6575847 - Thursday 7 April 2016 17:49

Sorry to break the news to you but I think you need a new carrier

By crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6575850 - Thursday 7 April 2016 17:51

Well, no point in crying over spilled milk. Someone had to say it...

By MasterTron | 24

#6575855 - Thursday 7 April 2016 17:52

Life happens. Kudos to the guy for warning you though.

By Lt_Senpai | 21

#6575856 - Thursday 7 April 2016 17:52

Fyl. At least your bike didn't break

By Chikiriwak | 17

#6575858 - Thursday 7 April 2016 17:54

Well, your ok, hopefully you learn something out of this to avoid from happening again

By katelng09 | 16

#6575860 - Thursday 7 April 2016 17:54

At least he told you and you got to stop .

By A07 | 48

#6575867 - Thursday 7 April 2016 18:02

It was meant to be OP, sometimes fate just feels like fucking with you