Today, a family of geese nested outside my halls of residence....

By Anonymous - 29/4/2013 16:14 - United Kingdom - York

Today, a family of geese nested outside my halls of residence. They have started attacking everyone who tries to get in or out of the building. I'm basically being placed under house arrest by birds. FML

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Animals

Last dates

Basic Instinct

Social distancing gone wrong

By Anonymous - 20/12/2016 04:02 - United States - Bend

Today, I had a feminine emergency. After scrounging up 4 quarters to use the machine in the women's bathroom, it dispensed a diaper. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2010 13:12 - Australia

Today, I was at the beach with my parents. They were walking hand in hand, when they spotted a crab. My Dad turned to my Mum and said "Oh, must've crawled out of my pubes!" they both laughed and kissed. I don't think they realized I was within hearing distance. FML

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By hell - 14/11/2015 21:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got called into work on my day off. I ended up being written up for being 15 minutes late to a shift I didn't even have. FML

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By awk1 - 18/6/2013 00:55 - United States - Glennville

Today, I was packing up my stuff about to go home. I shut off my MacBook but was still pretending to work for the last few minutes, typing on the keyboard. A good way through, I realized my co-worker sitting across from me could see that the Apple logo was off. FML

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By Nola - 27/4/2017 12:00

Today, I watched my mother pull her pants down and, using her hands, feel her butt crack to check if she'd had had an accident. She then pulled her pants up, went into the kitchen and touched stuff in the refrigerator. FML

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By Fattymuch - 14/9/2011 14:27 - India

Today, I was online looking up ways to lose weight, get thinner and be healthier, all the while eating a slab of brownie that was half the size of my head. FML

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By bruh_im18 - 17/9/2016 16:18 - United States - Metairie

Today, I found out the 28-year-old I am dating is actually 48. FML

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By rattness - 7/12/2010 19:12 - United States

Today, I found out the animal that was gnawing behind the kitchen wall all night was indeed a wild rat and his entire family. FML

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By GrannyAt22 - 22/6/2010 01:28 - Canada

Today, I had to buy a wrist brace for a repetitive strain injury. I got the injury because I was knitting too much. I'm 22. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2012 12:29 - United States

Today, I woke up with the worst vaginal itching and swelling. I then find out it was brought on by my boyfriend's cheap brand of toilet paper. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2014 17:31 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, at a family gathering, it emerged that my now ex-fiancé has been sleeping with his brother's girlfriend for some time now. A fight broke out, the police were called, and more than one of his relatives are blaming me for him cheating with her. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2009 01:08 - United States

Today, I was waiting at an intersection. Across from me, a car was approaching and a bunny ran out. Trying to save it, I flashed my lights and beeped at the car crazily, when the bunny turned around. The lights turned, and as I drove forward the bunny came back out and I hit it. FML

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By N - 7/5/2012 09:51 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I asked my dad why there were no photos of me on the wall. He replied, "Every time you disappoint us we burn one." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2016 12:40 - United States - Youngsville

Today, after two weeks of intense detective work, I found out my wife isn't cheating on me after all. She really has just been going out and playing table tennis with her friend like she said. Who the hell even plays table tennis? FML

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By KO - 12/10/2014 16:45 - United States

Today, in the middle of sex, my husband accidentally headbutted me, almost knocking me unconscious. FML

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By sadpoorlady - 22/6/2013 09:22 - United Kingdom - Appley Bridge

Today, my boyfriend used the "this isn't working, we need to talk" line on me. How nice of him to wait this long to do so, just days after we returned from the expensive Caribbean holiday that I paid for. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2016 04:17 - United States - Hayward

Today, after 3 days of interrupted sleep, I confronted my new neighbor about the noise his wife keeps making during their "private time". He then let me know the noise is actually from his daughter, who's mentally disabled and isn't taking the move well. FML

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By Dino - 12/10/2012 06:36 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my new roommate showed me to my room, which I got a good deal on. I noticed a big black spot on the floor in the walk-in closet. When I asked, he said his last roommate committed suicide and he didn't want to pay to have the carpets professionally cleaned, hence the "good deal." FML

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By housematefromhell - 21/7/2018 21:29

Today, my housemate revealed her supposed loss of function of her arm was all a lie. I spent hours in the ER with her and had to go to work the next day. Last time she lied about cancer. I'm stuck sharing with her for another 7 months. FML

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By Lennie Mcfish - 9/4/2020 14:00

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Today, while at a party, my extremely drunk crush came up to me and told me she had a crush on me. She then wanted to have sex with me while she drunk, but since she was under the influence I didn't. Later, when I told her about it, she say denied the fact that she likes me. FML

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By A - 9/2/2012 06:37 - United States

Today, after I spent nearly three hours building an igloo, my dog decided it would be a nice to enter it and take a shit. FML

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By shakinmahbuttbutt - 12/1/2014 19:06 - United States

Today, it's been two weeks since my parents went crazy with their attempts to save on the water bill. Every time I want to take a shower, I have to ask them first. Let's just say I've had to resort to taking sponge baths in public bathrooms to keep my B.O. under control. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2010 23:43 - United States

Today, I learned that my mom's laptop was originally my Christmas gift. She opened it and decided she liked it so much she should have it. I got hot rollers. FML

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By BlackPolarbear - 23/1/2010 08:05 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. My phone started ringing and it was my Mom, she said I could answer it. As I answered the phone my girlfriend started playing with my dick. I moaned. Loud. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, my daughter turned one month old. I decided to give her a congratulatory kiss on the cheek. She decided to projectile vomit warm breastmilk into my partially open mouth. FML

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By Kitkat - 2/5/2020 14:00

Experts, schmexperts

Today, my mom took medical advice from her friend over mine. Her friend sells cheese and I'm a pharmacist. FML

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By #MurrayShow - 27/2/2018 01:30

Today, my son was finally born. He was the perfect weight, as healthy as can be, and has his father’s dark, chocolate complexion. At least I’m guessing so, since both my wife and I are white. FML

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By Help - 26/11/2011 06:03 - United States

Today, it's the second week into my new neighbors' routine. He works nights, she works days. He likes to blast out Slayer and Napalm Death all day, she likes to drunkenly sing out of tune to Adele all night. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, I got hypnotized in front of my entire school. Once I was hypnotized the guy told me that the hottest celebrity in the world was in the audience and then he told me to point out who I saw. I said I saw Mick Jagger. I'm a guy. FML

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By frustrated! - 6/2/2013 06:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me a freak for wanting to have sex for a second night in a row. FML

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By DoubledTrouble - 21/7/2016 11:58 - United States - Washington

Today, my kids overheard me talking about cleaning the fuel system in our RV before we go to Disney World. They were so eager to get there, they decided they'd clean the fuel system themselves while I was at work, namely by pouring Tide into the gas tank. FML

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By lamed - 4/12/2009 22:01 - United States

Today, I stopped by the gun store to pick up a new concealed weapon for protection. As I was leaving the store, a man came up behind me, hit me with a crowbar, and stole my gun. FML

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By bezoar10 - 11/5/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, it's the five year anniversary of my father's death. I was cuddling with my boyfriend and crying about how much I missed him. He replied with, "Sometimes, I think you just like to hear yourself talk." FML

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By Nator - 9/2/2009 15:31 - United States

Today, this guy took me to Denny's on a first date and used a 2 for 1 coupon. It was expired. I paid. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2011 20:35 - Netherlands

Today, I told my boyfriend I wouldn't be able to get any time off work to go to Mexico with him, and that we'd have to get our tickets refunded, and reschedule. He said not to bother, and that he already had someone else in mind to take with him. FML

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By marray - 23/7/2018 12:46 - United States - Aurora

Today, I received a grade of 0 for a paper I worked really hard on. When I emailed my professor for feedback, she told me she gave me a 0 because I misspelled Colombia as "Columbia" and that she's not responsible for my low IQ. FML

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By Cameraman - 1/6/2017 01:00 - Israel

Today, I got a reply from a women who's SD card I found 2 months ago and tried to give back. Yesterday I formatted it. FML

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By anonymous - 8/10/2011 15:36 - Sri Lanka

Today, I decided to make home made french fries. I figured all I needed was potatoes and salt, right? Wrong! I also needed the fire department and an ambulance. FML

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By WitchQueenLiz - 28/6/2009 08:25 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. Normally, the little office I work in throws a big party for every employee on their special day, but nothing was done for me, not even a "Happy Birthday" came my way. I didn't want to be rude, so I stayed silent. They didn't do anything because I was getting laid off. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2018 01:30

Today, while leaving a job site, I put a bundle of pipe on my bosses van, picked up a few tools, and left for the day. He called screaming 30 minutes later to inform me that I didn't strap the pipe to the rack. It slid off the van and hit the car in front of him. FML

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Top comments

By \ | 28

#5471145 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:41

I would make an Angry Birds joke here, but that's too tired. Set up a pigsty or something.

By Soluxis | 17

#5471147 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:41

How fowl.

COMMENTS

By \ | 28

#5471145 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:41

I would make an Angry Birds joke here, but that's too tired. Set up a pigsty or something.

HowAreYouToday | 34

#5471198 - Monday 29 April 2013 23:04

OP should climb out the window and not participate in the blatant Apple propaganda going on

lonewolf621 | 17

#5471223 - Monday 29 April 2013 23:23

Funny how people make fun of them. Revenge of poultry!

\ | 28

#5471547 - Tuesday 30 April 2013 3:34

The most pragmatic approach that can be salvaged from all this lunacy is to buy an air horn. Good luck, OP.

cmayer | 20

#5471708 - Tuesday 30 April 2013 7:16

That was my first thought too 69. Get an air horn then go outside, stick your arm around the corner while using it full blast, then run!!!

GoodLookingGeese | 10

#5471789 - Tuesday 30 April 2013 8:52

Geese rule here in this neighborhood!!!!

gntfmlingnow | 12

#5473157 - Wednesday 1 May 2013 4:59

This reminds me of that old film "The Birds"

RIP OP

By Soluxis | 17

#5471147 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:41

How fowl.

By noelasis94 | 18

#5471150 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:43

And I heard a song in my head say it don't matter when it's always a good time.

SoulAmeliorate | 16

#5471231 - Monday 29 April 2013 23:34

This is a good time?

By AboveAll04 | 14

#5471154 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:46

just throw rice on the ground and then watch them explode

DocBastard | 38

#5471179 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:56

This is just as much an urban legend as Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and perdix being married.

Roskosity | 22

#5471530 - Tuesday 30 April 2013 3:09

Perdix got owned. Ouch.

TotallyAradical | 14

#5471534 - Tuesday 30 April 2013 3:14

Oh, here we go.

By eyesmile27 | 7

#5471155 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:46

Hmm, they might make better guard dogs than actual dogs. HEY MITZY! You've been replaced!

By Wizardo | 33

#5471156 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:46

Jump out your window and wing it...

By Ambient25 | 24

#5471157 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:46

Just give those geese a camera. They'll be too busy flooding my FB with "duck face" pics....

SHAMUS_the_WITTY | 18

#5471214 - Monday 29 April 2013 23:18

If they were ducks or teenage girls, yes.

But they're geese.

Ambient25 | 24

#5471216 - Monday 29 April 2013 23:18

They both have bills....

By mmizbbz210 | 13

#5471158 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:47

You could win $10,000 if got some people on video :)

By nissanleaf | 24

#5471159 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:47

Roast them with a flamethrower foie gras anyone?

NoDontKillMe | 19

#5471478 - Tuesday 30 April 2013 2:23

No...

RodzillaX | 30

#5472012 - Tuesday 30 April 2013 13:37

Yes!

By fml0505 | 19

#5471161 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:48

Throw them some alka-seltzer tablets, problem solved.