Animals: Today, a family of geese nested outside my halls of residence....

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - York

Today, a family of geese nested outside my halls of residence. They have started attacking everyone who tries to get in or out of the building. I'm basically being placed under house arrest by birds. FML

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Animals

Out of it

Rock, hard place

Social media was a mistake

By Username - United States

Today, I got the worst sunburn I've ever had in my life, and then discovered I'm allergic to aloe when I went to treat the burn with some gel. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML

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By Jess - United States - Modesto

Today, in a desperate attempt to add some variety to my life, I resorted to closing my eyes and picking a random font for my essay paper. FML

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By caught out - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to take an urgent dump at work. I noticed too late there was no toilet paper left, so I had to risk doing a quick "pants around the knees" shuffle to the next stall. I locked eyes with the window cleaner at the same time I heard someone enter from behind me. FML

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By MandyPanda - United States

Today, I went to a theme party where everyone wore white shirts and brought markers to draw on them. I didn't know many people there but I still went around drawing on people's shirts. After a few hours, someone finally drew on my shirt. They wrote "I'm scary." FML

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By stupidboss - United States - Bellingham

Today, I got into a car accident with my boss, and he asked if I could come to work the next day. I'm in the hospital and he knows it. FML

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By killme - United States - Lewiston

Today, I was at church, when my mom's phone went off during the sermon. As if that wasn't humiliating enough for me, her ring tone was set to the Bed Intruder song. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Desoto

Today, I went out with a friend to grab some food and we were served by this really cute and fun waiter. Stepping out of my comfort zone and deciding to do something crazy, I left my phone number on the bill. I got home only to realize that I forgot to pay the bill. FML

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By deadman - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my mom came into my room to give me a goodbye kiss. Due to the routine of my girlfriend doing the exact same thing in the exact same spot, I held the kiss way longer than what a mother/son kiss should last. My mom actually had to tell me to "let go". FML

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By Mee - Kuwait

Self-care

Today, I was frustrated at work so to have fun, I wrote an email to myself saying that I was great and loved myself and should relax. I used all different colors and fonts. Instead of hitting "delete", I hit "print" without realizing. My manager got it out of the printer and put it on my desk. FML

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By stupidbullcrêpe - Brazil - Santos

Today, my pregnant wife broke down in tears over the fact that since moving to Brazil for my job, we don't have regular access to macaroni and cheese. FML

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By blank13 - United States

Today, I went to Knott's Berry Farm with my girlfriend. After we got off of Supreme Scream, the ride attendant asked her, "How was it?" She pointed to me and said, "It's like sex with this man, my boyfriend; intense, then disappointing because it only lasts like 30 seconds." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2021 11:01

Hang in there

Today, my dad said he hates gay people. My parents don't know I'm gay. I'm a high school senior. I wish I could just have someone to love and to love me, I just feel so lonely. FML

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By Username

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he was growing a mustache, as he had whiskers. He looked at me and said "No, but apparently you are." FML

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By dmachin - France

Today, I visited my grandmother who has dementia. She thought I was my father, and told me that I should never have married my mother, let alone have had children with her. FML

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By Anonymous

Free Playboy for the guy that can't even use it. Oh, cruel fate.

Today, I received a Playboy magazine that I never ordered, and now my husband won't stop laughing at me or calling me a closet heterosexual. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was running the track at my school. My crush of two years was running in front of me, so I decided to catch up and finally talk to her. When I caught up, the only thing I could think to say was, "What's your name?" even though I already knew. She replied, "Natalie". Her name is Melissa. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Naperville

Today, after careful consideration, I told my wife I really want to have kids. She laughed, until she finally realized I was serious, at which point she flicked me in the balls and said, "Problem solved." FML

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By Lilragu97 - United States - Exeter

Today, I walked into my upstairs bathroom to find my mom's new boyfriend eating soup, naked on the toilet. In shock, I stepped back and fell down a flight of stairs, backwards, and hit my head on wall, leaving a dent in it. FML

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By ssenmodnaR

Today, I learned that I'm in that special kind of relationship where my ex thinks we're still married, no matter how many times I tell him that we were divorced over a year ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 05:00

Mr Commitment

Today, after I caught my (now ex) boyfriend cheating. He told me that it isn't my business if he was seeing other woman, because we didn't had an official relationship. We have been living together in a house we bought, for two years now. FML

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By tor - United States

Today, one of my bosses came into work and told me that they had seen my dad's twin in the supermarket holding hands and kissing a much younger woman and her baby. My dad doesn't have a twin. FML

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By sluttyfox

Today, I was excited to finally receive my Halloween costume in the mail after the one I ordered back in September got lost in transit. Upon reaching my mailbox, I saw the lock had been broken off and my new costume had been stolen. The party is tomorrow. FML

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By keerow - United States

Today, I realized that the homeless people I give change to all dress better than I do, including the one that doesn't believe in pants. FML

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By PineappleOfMyEye

Today, I work at a general store and a customer came in trying to bargain a set price of an item. The item? A 50 cent candy bar. He wanted it for 34 cents. This is not the first time he's done this. FML

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By audied - United States

Today, I noticed the woman I've been sleeping with for over 2 years never lets me see her naked during sex. I confronted her about it and she replied, "I don't care if you see me naked. I was just leaving the lights off the whole time so I don't have to see you naked." FML

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By INside - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided it'd be funny to create a "place" on Facebook for my vagina. Now he "checks-in" every time we have sex. FML

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By Ew-dles

Today, I was finishing a bowl of ramen while watching a video. As I scooped up the last bits, I realized the clump of seasoning I had been saving for last was actually a dead fly. FML

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By priceycommute

Today, after rushing to the bus stop and frantically boarding at the last possible second, I realized that I didn't pay my fare with a single, but a twenty. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife created a "Points Reward" system for the privilege of sex. 10 points for doing the dishes, 20 for the laundry, etc. How many points do I need before I can have sex with her? 2300. FML

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By scully11 - Canada

Cue Shaggy

Today, my old neighbor pelted me with apples when I walked out the door. I ducked for cover and asked what her problem was. She yelled, "You took fresh peas from my garden!" I looked at her garden, only to see my dad tiptoeing back to our lawn, laughing and holding a bag full of peas. FML

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By future teacher - Paraguay - Fernando De La Mora

Today, I was observing a children's class as a part of a training program. The teacher asked me to take one kid to the nurse's office because she wasn't feeling well. As soon as we step outside, I slip and fall down, taking the little girl with me. FML

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By constantine - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend that I didn't feel wanted. Then she talked about how her cat puked on the carpet. FML

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By Michigan - United States

Today, I walked past a man handing out miniature Bibles on my way to class. He handed me one, commenting "here, you look like you need this." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my girlfriend got into bed with me and started fooling around. I had a terrible migraine, which she knew, so I asked her to stop because it wasn't helping. She then yelled at me for being "ungrateful" and "selfish", and accused me of secretly being gay. FML

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By Graham Watson

Today, I'm currently in hospital with a painful and swollen Achille's heel problem. I was dreaming of running down stairs. I then tripped on one, and as I whacked my foot on the stairs in my dream, I also raised my foot and whacked it on the end of the hospital bed. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I had to walk through an extremely crowded pub wearing a dorky prisoner outfit to get to a dress-up party at the back. When we got there, I soon realised it wasn't fancy dress, but just black-and-white themed. FML

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By "ZeroG57"

Today my friend invited me to an afro-indigenous event. Eager to learn more about my roots, I tagged along. The bean bag toss and warrior dance was fun, until the Q&A came and it was clear that the focus wasn't the African diaspora but "consistent ritualized self-improvement". Yup, it's a cult. FML

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By notfromanisland

Today, through a mutual friend I met with a girl from Netherlands for dinner. At some point, she told me I have an Antillean accent, referring to the Dutch Antilles. I was born and raised nowhere near those islands, but my former boyfriend of 5 years is Antillean. Now I have his accent. FML

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By jailbirdlove - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love. Her phone rang, and she stopped to answer it. It was her ex-boyfriend, calling her from jail. She talked to him for 15 minutes. To top it all off, before she hung up, I heard her tell him she loved him, and couldn't wait for him to get out. FML

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Top comments

By \ | 28

#5471145 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:41

I would make an Angry Birds joke here, but that's too tired. Set up a pigsty or something.

By Soluxis | 17

#5471147 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:41

How fowl.

COMMENTS

By \ | 28

#5471145 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:41

I would make an Angry Birds joke here, but that's too tired. Set up a pigsty or something.

HowAreYouToday | 34

#5471198 - Monday 29 April 2013 23:04

OP should climb out the window and not participate in the blatant Apple propaganda going on

lonewolf621 | 17

#5471223 - Monday 29 April 2013 23:23

Funny how people make fun of them. Revenge of poultry!

\ | 28

#5471547 - Tuesday 30 April 2013 3:34

The most pragmatic approach that can be salvaged from all this lunacy is to buy an air horn. Good luck, OP.

cmayer | 20

#5471708 - Tuesday 30 April 2013 7:16

That was my first thought too 69. Get an air horn then go outside, stick your arm around the corner while using it full blast, then run!!!

GoodLookingGeese | 10

#5471789 - Tuesday 30 April 2013 8:52

Geese rule here in this neighborhood!!!!

gntfmlingnow | 12

#5473157 - Wednesday 1 May 2013 4:59

This reminds me of that old film "The Birds"

RIP OP

By Soluxis | 17

#5471147 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:41

How fowl.

By noelasis94 | 18

#5471150 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:43

And I heard a song in my head say it don't matter when it's always a good time.

SoulAmeliorate | 16

#5471231 - Monday 29 April 2013 23:34

This is a good time?

By AboveAll04 | 14

#5471154 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:46

just throw rice on the ground and then watch them explode

DocBastard | 38

#5471179 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:56

This is just as much an urban legend as Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and perdix being married.

Roskosity | 22

#5471530 - Tuesday 30 April 2013 3:09

Perdix got owned. Ouch.

TotallyAradical | 14

#5471534 - Tuesday 30 April 2013 3:14

Oh, here we go.

By eyesmile27 | 7

#5471155 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:46

Hmm, they might make better guard dogs than actual dogs. HEY MITZY! You've been replaced!

By Wizardo | 33

#5471156 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:46

Jump out your window and wing it...

By Ambient25 | 24

#5471157 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:46

Just give those geese a camera. They'll be too busy flooding my FB with "duck face" pics....

SHAMUS_the_WITTY | 18

#5471214 - Monday 29 April 2013 23:18

If they were ducks or teenage girls, yes.

But they're geese.

Ambient25 | 24

#5471216 - Monday 29 April 2013 23:18

They both have bills....

By mmizbbz210 | 13

#5471158 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:47

You could win $10,000 if got some people on video :)

By nissanleaf | 24

#5471159 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:47

Roast them with a flamethrower foie gras anyone?

NoDontKillMe | 19

#5471478 - Tuesday 30 April 2013 2:23

No...

RodzillaX | 30

#5472012 - Tuesday 30 April 2013 13:37

Yes!

By fml0505 | 19

#5471161 - Monday 29 April 2013 22:48

Throw them some alka-seltzer tablets, problem solved.