Miscellaneous: Today, a cute guy approached me at a nightclub. I was really...

By Brooke - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy approached me at a nightclub. I was really excited, until he drunkenly slurred "Babe, I'd suck the farts from your asshole!" and then threw up everywhere. FML

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25683

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Miscellaneous

Rock, hard place

Late term

Get the message, dude

By Anonymous - United States - Demorest

Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, and had to run to the bathroom to evacuate my bowels. She heard the horrible sounds, and I doubt I'll ever be able to seduce her again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34931

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3889

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2020 18:02 - United States - Gillette

Not now, mom!

Today, my mother showed up to pick something up from my house. I was sleeping and before I knew it she was in my bedroom, jumping on my bed, saying hi to my ex-girlfriend who she thought was with me. It wasn't my ex, and I doubt that girl will ever want to hang out again after that awkward morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1143

You deserved it

150

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By Noname - France

Today, my two year old girl said "motherfucker". Everyone laughed, even her grandparents. Our family is insane. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34007

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9158

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By onionrings - United States - Gainesville

Today, I found out that my husband really thinks onion rings are seafood. He's 36. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25488

You deserved it

2502

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By running scared - Norway

Today, I found out that my violent ex has moved to my country for the sole purpose of tracking me down. I know this because my former boss called and told me she gave him my address. She loves the idea of us getting back together because, "You are such a cute couple!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

28870

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1768

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By Anonymous - United States - Clinton

Today, my boyfriend picked me up from school. It was an unusually sweet gesture from him, and I was flattered. That is, until he told me to sit my ass in the back, so his dog could ride in front with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25972

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By Heart-Broken - Canada - Richmond

Today, I was paired up with my long-term crush for a project. She introduced herself to me and asked if I was new this year. We've gone to the same school since kindergarten. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36783

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By Female - Australia - Elsternwick

Today, the police arrived at my door, telling me my child had been caught vandalizing. A boy who looked about 15 hugged me and said, "Hey, mum". I'm only 26 years old and had never seen this boy in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43731

You deserved it

2802

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By chucklesman96 - Canada - Westerose

Today, I got shot in the leg while taking a firearms safety course. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9125

You deserved it

1129

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By me - United States

Today, I sent my grandma a naked picture instead of my girlfriend. While attempting to delete it, I sent it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19677

You deserved it

54611

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By Lousydriver - Canada

Today, I was about to drive out of a parking lot. The space in front of me was empty, so I figured I could drive forward. I'd not noticed that there was a median in front, and my car got stuck. FML

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9177

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By Notpunny - United States - Silver Spring

Today, while making small talk with a veteran, I made the mistake of using the phrase "Cost an arm and a leg". He was a double amputee. FML

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18111

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2020 05:01

QUIET PLEASE

Today, where I live in Germany, you're supposed to be quiet between noon and 3 p.m., so people have a chance to take a nap or just eat lunch in peace, but 3 of my 4 neighbors seem to consider this the ideal time for any project that involves lawn-mowers and power tools. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1374

You deserved it

183

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got a mailer from Adam and Eve with a bunch of hard core porn ads inside. I have been getting these since i ordered a Pirate porn video a few months ago. I was gone for a few weeks overseas. My mother-in-law was getting the mail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8266

You deserved it

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By lily389

Today, my boyfriend had a bad dream that a horse was biting his fingers off. He punched the horse in the neck, and in real life punched me in the spine. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38205

You deserved it

4065

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By babygurl69 - Canada

Today, I woke up with a hangover, but went to school anyway without showering, applying makeup, and still wearing my pajama bottoms. While taking the subway, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend who I hadn't seen a year. His new girlfriend looked at me and said, "You look... tired." FML

I agree, your life sucks

12751

You deserved it

23874

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I told my parents that I was going to hang out with some friends. My dad guffawed and said, "Ooh, look at Mary, pretending she has a social life." Thanks, Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31342

You deserved it

3292

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By Sara - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend and I went to visit his grandparents. Everything went well, until his grandmother approached me and asked me if I wanted to try some of her old bras. I didn't want to be rude, so I went with her. Most awkward moment of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12551

You deserved it

2098

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By KaYLa_LoUiSe - 8/8/2020 08:03

Narcissistic parents FTW

Today, I told my mom I wasn't doing very good mentally and I was looking for some support. She decided to remind me of all of the things I still haven't paid her back for. I'm now an unpaid loan, not her daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1401

You deserved it

179

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By Nicked - Israel

Today, I was on a bus and a man was feeling up my butt. I was just about to step on his foot when the bus stopped and he slipped out. Only then did I realize he'd stolen my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50916

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15764

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By Henry - United States

Today, I realized that the only food I have is four months' worth of nutrisystem food from when my parents went on the nutrisystem diet. I am not able to secure a job and buy my own food, so I have two choices: die of starvation or die of nasty nutrisystem food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24307

You deserved it

8929

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By lifedamntough - Singapore

Today, I took a shower after I finished typing an important essay I've been working on for days. My computer illiterate mum shut the computer down when I was gone, without saving a thing. When I confronted her, she yelled at me for "wasting electricity". FML

I agree, your life sucks

31128

You deserved it

64843

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By A-train - 13/9/2020 08:01 - United States - Wellesley Hills

Not now, mom

Today, it was supposed to be my wedding day. This is the second time we've had to postpone it. The first was due to COVID, this time the sudden passing of my fiance's mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1506

You deserved it

131

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was making out with this guy I had been seeing, and things start to get pretty steamy. As he paused for a second, I thought he was going to get up and find a condom, but instead he turns to me and says, "I think I'm going to go to the library." I wasn't invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21990

You deserved it

3495

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By Nyxilia - United Kingdom - Edgware

The best cat

Today, I was woken up by my cat. Did he bite me? Meow to get fed? No, those are too common. He scratched my hole, and it was very exciting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2272

You deserved it

620

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By 420curse - United States - San Mateo

Today, I found out the "sex noises" I heard from next door last night, which I'd angrily yelled at my neighbor for, were actually from him having an uncontrollable seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34528

You deserved it

15078

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By Ballshurt - United States

Today, I learned that you can pierce your balls. However, sitting on a thumbtack is not the best way to find this out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53391

You deserved it

7002

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By demaris - Canada

Today, I was following a makeup tutorial on YouTube. The girl said to apply concealer to any "problem areas" on my face. When I was done, 90% of my face was covered in concealer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29220

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By Anonymous - United States - Lahaina

Today, I learned that despite having told them two years ago, my parents still aren't accepting of me being gay. I found this out when my mom called and asked if I was "cured" yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31239

You deserved it

5462

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Official meeting

Today, I went to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His mother, seconds upon meeting me, gave me a hug, smiled at me, and said: "It's so nice to finally meet you! All I ever hear is 'Emma this', and 'Emma that', 'I love Emma!'. He never stops talking about you!" My name's not Emma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3278

You deserved it

181

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By Tom - United States

Today, I'm flying out of the country in a few hours. A plane from the same airline just crashed into the Hudson River and is now floating in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26049

You deserved it

2665

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By yourwifelovesme

Today, my dad was folding laundry. He came across a pair of jeans and asked who they belonged to. My mom said, “Those are definitely mine. The knees are worn out.” Thanks for that mental image mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1476

You deserved it

349

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By knickedleg - France

Today, I was using Veet instead of shaving, so that the razor wouldn't cut up my legs. I cut myself with the plastic utensil that you're supposed to use to remove the Veet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17356

You deserved it

25129

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 02:01

Threesome weirdness

Today, my roommate informed me that I need to move out, due to me having sex with his boyfriend. Even though he gave us permission, and told us to use protection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

512

You deserved it

1030

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my once-alcoholic mom told me that she would sell me for a shot of vodka. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32775

You deserved it

2975

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I threw an elaborate surprise birthday party for my boyfriend of four years. He thought we were going to a quiet dinner but when we arrived, thirty of his friends jumped out and surprised him. Instead of kissing me to thank me, he broke up with me because of how easily I had lied to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53596

You deserved it

4721

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By Madi - United States

Today, my boyfriend discovered that I fart when I'm tickled enough. The best part was when he decided to show his family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34590

You deserved it

3586

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By Cellismasher - United States

Today, while walking to work, I accidentally dropped my $400 cell phone on the sidewalk. The screen shattered into a million pieces. A woman passing by looked at the ruined phone and said, "Now that's what you call a dropped call!" She laughed and kept walking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38619

You deserved it

18428

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By thanksmom - United States

Today, I finally got up the nerve to invite the guy I like to hang out at my house. It was also the day my mother decided that our house is a "pants optional zone," and that she should implement that policy immediately. While he was at our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29104

You deserved it

2849

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By Anonymous - Australia - Applecross

Today, I was washing my boobs in the shower when I caught my reflection in the mirror. I got super turned on at the sight of my large breasts all soaped up. I'm a man. FML

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26536

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Top comments

By swanheart | 35

#6381281 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:32

Hope you got his number. He sounds like a keeper! :-/

By iPixelCheese | 19

#6381305 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:38

Can't help but laugh at this. Someday you will probably look back and laugh too. As for now, FYL

COMMENTS

By Sebastian2022 | 22

#6381267 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:28

At least he called you babe.

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#6381289 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:33

It was going so well until he told her he'd suck the farts from her asshole. Damn.

slackerjoe | 22

#6381908 - Sunday 16 August 2015 0:04

really? That line has worked dozens of times for me... must have been the puke

FreakyDino98 | 13

#6382535 - Sunday 16 August 2015 15:20

i really hope he^is joking because that is pretty pathetic

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6382741 - Sunday 16 August 2015 19:29

In the words of George Carlton, "Blow it out your ass!..."

By worldclassrager | 39

#6381271 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:30

Luckily he won't remember that...and I hope you don't have to remember it as well

iPixelCheese | 19

#6381300 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:37

She posted it on FML, pretty sure she will remember it.

By rileyrae0000 | 23

#6381275 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:31

That is vile

crackajak | 15

#6381386 - Saturday 15 August 2015 10:11

I love obvious statements and push-up bras.

onlychildFTW | 33

#6381419 - Saturday 15 August 2015 11:56

It's so vile he threw up just saying it!

Aimeejasmine | 15

#6381506 - Saturday 15 August 2015 15:20

Who doesn't love push-up bras? Best invention ever.

rileyrae0000 | 23

#6381604 - Saturday 15 August 2015 17:34

That's cool, too bad I don't own any..

RenoTheRhino | 30

#6381634 - Saturday 15 August 2015 18:32

Well, this thread is going off on a tangent.

By swanheart | 35

#6381281 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:32

Hope you got his number. He sounds like a keeper! :-/

seenoevil818 | 13

#6381348 - Saturday 15 August 2015 9:33

Sounds like she got more than his number, fyl op.

By Cads1 | 24

#6381288 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:33

Learn to take a compliment no matter how it is delivered.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6381342 - Saturday 15 August 2015 9:24

Even if it was delivered anally?

LyricaSilvan | 29

#6381486 - Saturday 15 August 2015 14:49

How exactly is saying you would inhale someone's farts a compliment?

cmchappy | 25

#6381499 - Saturday 15 August 2015 15:10

Would he hold it like a bong hit?

By arabian22 | 29

#6381292 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:35

Well at least you can say you've never heard that pickup line before

lysx84 | 24

#6381347 - Saturday 15 August 2015 9:33

I'm wondering if OP's admirer was Scottish - I've heard this one a couple of times. Along with "I'd eat a mile of your shite just to see where it comes from".