Miscellaneous: Today, a cute guy approached me at a nightclub. I was really...

By Brooke - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy approached me at a nightclub. I was really excited, until he drunkenly slurred "Babe, I'd suck the farts from your asshole!" and then threw up everywhere. FML

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Miscellaneous

Messed up

Own it

Get the message, dude

By 1357katie - Canada

Today, I told my mom about the couple times that I'd skipped classes during high school. She got really mad and grounded me for a month. That would usually be normal except for the fact that I'm 27 and live in my own apartment. FML

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By screwyouchris - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me that he sees no future with me. It's alright though, because he says we can still "coast along" until he meets someone else. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Glen Ellyn

Whoops

Today, an old friend of mine texted me, saying we should hang out. I thought it was really sweet and was excited to see her again, until she realized that she was texting the wrong person, and canceled our plans immediately. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Savage

Today, I finally got to conduct my first questioning of a suspect, who had been arrested in connection with a car theft. As I recited the Miranda warning to him, my mind went totally blank, and after a few seconds, he sarcastically continued the speech for me. FML

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By klynn267 - United States - Portland

Today, I switched cell phone service providers, hoping to upgrade. After working out the details and picking a phone in the store, I got home to find my brand new cell can't get a signal in my house. I already signed the two year contract. FML

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By Shaz - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I accidentally pulled out six of my eyelashes. It's noticeable. Very noticeable. FML

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1324

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By Marian - United States

Today, I had an anxiety attack when I was hanging out with my boyfriend. He pulled me close to him and I started to feel better, until he put my hand down his pants and around his penis and said, "Here! Try this to take your mind off it." FML

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By not-that-fat - United States

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend when I said "I wish all the weight I gained just went to my boobs." His reply was, "They'd be HUGE." FML

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By John - United States

Today, I began to walk across the street when I saw a very familiar old lady struggle across it. I walked over to help her, and only after she had blown her rape whistle and socked me in the nuts did she realize I was her grandson. FML

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By roughsexgonewrong - United Kingdom - London

Filth

Today, my boyfriend's response to me saying, "Most women like a bit of filth in the bedroom every now and again" was to start farting in bed. Not quite what I meant. FML

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By FoodNeeded - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, for breakfast, I made a butter sandwich. I'm that broke. FML

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By leve80paladin - United States

Today, my girlfriend and my parents staged an intervention, and have asked me to go to rehab. What they want me to go to rehab for? World of Warcraft. FML

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By Crap - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was taking a dump at work at a nursing home. While reaching for the toilet paper, I accidently pushed the emergency button. The nursing supervisors broke into the washroom to help. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be amusing to sneak into my room and jump me in my bed. Too bad that when she jumped, one of her knees landed on my crotch. I haven't been able to walk properly since this morning. FML

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By Jamie - United States

Today, to get back at me for our recent breakup, my ex put a "9/11 was an inside job!" bumper sticker on my car. I work for the government in New York City, and I just got a text saying that my manager wants to talk to me. FML

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By pgmonster - United States - San Francisco

Today, I backed into an expensive SUV only minutes after my boss congratulated me for being the only employee to not wreck a company car. FML

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By kelster

Good job

Today, my roommate has a job interview. He only applied to the job yesterday. Meanwhile, I've been out of work for three weeks. I've applied to at least ten jobs. I have yet to get a call-back from any of them. FML

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By navi - 11/3/2021 11:01

Assumptions

Today, my dad once again had to help me with my technological issues. Isn’t it usually the other way around? FML

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514

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By badbirthday - Canada

Today, is my 16th birthday. Thinking that my parents would be out of town for it like they had every other year, I decided it would be fun to tan nude in my backyard. Apparantly my parents set up a surprise party for my sweet 16. I was standing naked infront of half my school. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Floral Park

Today, my self-described "genius" cousin came to the conclusion that cooking the turkey in the oven for 8 hours would take too long, so he doubled the temperature to have it done in half the time. The fire department had to come to put out the fireball that was once my butterball. FML

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2968

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By helpme - United States - Brockton

Today, I got a new chair at work. After spending 3 hours putting it together, I was called into my boss's office and let go. FML

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By somethingblue - United States - Lowell

Today, it's my wedding day. Almost a year ago I was in a terrible car accident that nearly left me paralyzed, but I worked my ass off to be able to walk down the aisle. After a lot of blood, sweat, and tears I made it to the big day... and woke up with food poisoning. FML

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By Hum - Switzerland

Today, while on student exchange in Germany, I was making myself a cup of coffee. When I rummaged around in the fridge, my room-mates asked me what I was looking for. I said I wanted to put "samen" in my coffee. They laughed. Ah yes, "sahne" means "cream". "Samen" means "sperm". FML

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32665

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By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, I held the door open for someone and he said, "Thank you!" I said, "Thank you!" back. FML

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1212

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By Notthemaid - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about how my fiancé has been ignoring me and that I didn't know why. Turns out, my mother told him that I was too much of a handful, was mentally disturbed and also cheating on him. Just so I wouldn't move out and would keep cleaning her house for free. FML

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56405

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By whyme - 16/5/2021 20:01

Economic abuse

Today, I got my first tattoo. I felt good about it, until I told my mom, who was not happy. She responded by taking me out of her car insurance policy, family plan, and charging me for rent every month since I, "wanna be all grown up now.” FML

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772

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By Anonymous - Norway - Oslo

Today, my car is being repaired, so I had to catch a bus to work. When the bus came, the driver pulled toward the curb and gunned it through a large puddle of water, then pulled away and continued down the road, leaving me soaking wet. FML

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23934

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By Username - United States

Today, my boyfriend was telling me about accidentally punching his best friend in the face. As he was acting it out he ended up punching me and giving me a bloody nose. FML

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29019

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By Nose bleed - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was eating an apple in class. When I went to take a big bite, my teeth went right through the apple, causing me to scrape the apple right up my face. My nose then started to bleed. I'm now known as the girl who punched herself in the face with an apple. FML

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By thank u usa - Germany

Today, I came across a tourist in the street asking people for directions, but nobody understood him. I speak English, so I went to help the gentleman out. He said "Knock it off with the cheesy accent, pal" and informed me that my country is a shithole. FML

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44960

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a note in my boyfriend's car from another girl telling him she hoped he liked the flowers. These were the same flowers he gave me while I was in the hospital, just after having his kid. FML

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41318

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, while taking part in a lifeguarding exercise, I was supposed to "drown" to get another guard to save me. After all was done, my boss called me into his office and screamed at me for "drowning the wrong way," and threatening our reputation. FML

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By Alexa23 - United States

Today, I got out of the shower and my 3 year old sister comes into the bathroom and says "I want big boobies like yours when I grow up." And from the other room I hear my dad go "Sweetie, you've already got bigger boobs than your sister." FML

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By fmlman - United States - Rawlins

Today, while walking my dog at the park, I spotted my crush and said "Hi!" By not paying attention where I was going, I tripped and fell down. My dog started humping me. FML

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44304

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By Someone - Canada - Windsor

Today, our family went to a water park. The park's mascot came up to greet us, and my daughter got scared. She then refused to go inside, so we had no choice but to leave. FML

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38963

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By Crispy cripple

Today, my dorm's fire alarm went off. In the rush to escape, I slipped and fell off my bunk bed, breaking my ankle in two places. Crying, I told my roommates I needed help to walk. They shrugged and left after mentioning that I would slow them down. FML

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3197

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By ew - United States

Today, I realized that my dandruff issue was so horrible, that even my eyebrows have dandruff. FML

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29311

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By ohgod - United States

Today, I found out my husband had bought my 1-year-old daughter a shirt that says "Birth Control Fail" in pink glittery letters. He even took her out in it while I was at work. FML

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66343

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By DoYourWorst - Canada

Dorsia? On a Friday night?

Today, marks yet another day when I've been threatened to be ruined with the words, "I know people in high places!" and had objects thrown at me at my workplace. I'm a hostess. FML

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4689

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I finally invited my girlfriend over to meet my oddball parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "So, you're the silly girl who agreed to date my dickhead son." It went downhill from there. FML

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Top comments

By swanheart | 35

#6381281 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:32

Hope you got his number. He sounds like a keeper! :-/

By iPixelCheese | 19

#6381305 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:38

Can't help but laugh at this. Someday you will probably look back and laugh too. As for now, FYL

COMMENTS

By Sebastian2022 | 22

#6381267 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:28

At least he called you babe.

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#6381289 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:33

It was going so well until he told her he'd suck the farts from her asshole. Damn.

slackerjoe | 22

#6381908 - Sunday 16 August 2015 0:04

really? That line has worked dozens of times for me... must have been the puke

FreakyDino98 | 13

#6382535 - Sunday 16 August 2015 15:20

i really hope he^is joking because that is pretty pathetic

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6382741 - Sunday 16 August 2015 19:29

In the words of George Carlton, "Blow it out your ass!..."

By worldclassrager | 39

#6381271 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:30

Luckily he won't remember that...and I hope you don't have to remember it as well

iPixelCheese | 19

#6381300 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:37

She posted it on FML, pretty sure she will remember it.

By rileyrae0000 | 23

#6381275 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:31

That is vile

crackajak | 15

#6381386 - Saturday 15 August 2015 10:11

I love obvious statements and push-up bras.

onlychildFTW | 33

#6381419 - Saturday 15 August 2015 11:56

It's so vile he threw up just saying it!

Aimeejasmine | 15

#6381506 - Saturday 15 August 2015 15:20

Who doesn't love push-up bras? Best invention ever.

rileyrae0000 | 23

#6381604 - Saturday 15 August 2015 17:34

That's cool, too bad I don't own any..

RenoTheRhino | 30

#6381634 - Saturday 15 August 2015 18:32

Well, this thread is going off on a tangent.

By swanheart | 35

#6381281 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:32

Hope you got his number. He sounds like a keeper! :-/

seenoevil818 | 13

#6381348 - Saturday 15 August 2015 9:33

Sounds like she got more than his number, fyl op.

By Cads1 | 24

#6381288 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:33

Learn to take a compliment no matter how it is delivered.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6381342 - Saturday 15 August 2015 9:24

Even if it was delivered anally?

LyricaSilvan | 29

#6381486 - Saturday 15 August 2015 14:49

How exactly is saying you would inhale someone's farts a compliment?

cmchappy | 25

#6381499 - Saturday 15 August 2015 15:10

Would he hold it like a bong hit?

By arabian22 | 29

#6381292 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:35

Well at least you can say you've never heard that pickup line before

lysx84 | 24

#6381347 - Saturday 15 August 2015 9:33

I'm wondering if OP's admirer was Scottish - I've heard this one a couple of times. Along with "I'd eat a mile of your shite just to see where it comes from".