Today, a cute guy approached me at a nightclub. I was really...

By Brooke - 14/8/2015 16:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy approached me at a nightclub. I was really excited, until he drunkenly slurred "Babe, I'd suck the farts from your asshole!" and then threw up everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25664

You deserved it

2329

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Dangling modifier

Out of it

A beautiful truck decoration

By garlicbread - 26/11/2009 22:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to make myself a nice meal. I bought expensive pasta and sauce etc. It looked delicious, I decided the finishing touch would be some parmesan cheese. I grabbed the bag and threw a handful of cheese on my meal. The cheese was about 98% mould. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22528

You deserved it

29793

Favorite

By yuck - 9/12/2018 03:30 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was out riding and a seagull pissed on me. It got in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2528

You deserved it

217

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/12/2018 06:05

Today, I went to the phone store to get a new SIM card. The store manager went on my browser to see if my data was working. Two pages of porn popped up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1457

You deserved it

4410

Favorite

By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 07:19 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She got incredibly excited and started flapping her hands around. Then she suddenly went deadpan and said "But seriously... no." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27841

You deserved it

1879

Favorite

By Anonymous - 31/3/2018 15:00

Today, a customer asked a question I couldn’t answer. I asked if she would wait while I consulted someone else, but she spat in my face and stormed off. My manager saw, wrote me up for refusing to help, and gave the woman a gift card for her troubles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4877

You deserved it

229

Favorite

By - 9/1/2020 20:00

Winner

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1978

You deserved it

936

Favorite

By pointlessperson - 6/2/2009 14:28 - Canada

Today, I hung out with a friend who has been too busy to hang out with me in a few months. I decided to make the day super special with fun plans and spent a lot of money doing so. When I got home, her facebook status said "Pointless day, gone to bed". FML

I agree, your life sucks

40672

You deserved it

2974

Favorite

By j_Lauren - 28/1/2013 04:48 - United States

Today, my mom had the option of choosing anywhere in the world where we could go on vacation. We live in the USA and she chose to fly to Texas, rent an RV, and drive to Florida. Anywhere in the world. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37485

You deserved it

3294

Favorite

By rhiannakirwan - 17/4/2016 18:48 - United Kingdom - London

Today, 5 minutes before I had to leave for school, my friends convinced me it was "pajama day" at school. I showed up in slippers and Sponge Bob pajamas. My school wouldn't let me go home to change. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18541

You deserved it

7258

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/8/2016 15:01

Today, at the funeral home where I work, I asked my boss if it was time to "bring out the stiff". I didn't realize the guy's family was not only in the building, but within earshot as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6825

You deserved it

20091

Favorite

By :/ - 4/11/2013 22:27 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I finally worked up enough courage to ask out the guy I've had a crush on for months. I texted him, and he thought I was Maddy from work, not Maddie his neighbor. Now he and the Maddy from his work are dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56237

You deserved it

5814

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/9/2015 09:20 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, my mother-in-law turned up at my doorstep close to midnight, drunk off her tits, crying about how my wife is punishing her and throwing her life away by marrying me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24071

You deserved it

1573

Favorite

By BaconGirl - 8/7/2016 06:00

Today, it has been my lifelong dream to work with animals. My dream sorta came true. I now work at the slaughterhouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13129

You deserved it

1978

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/2/2011 21:29 - United States

Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54975

You deserved it

44643

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/10/2011 20:35 - Netherlands

Today, I told my boyfriend I wouldn't be able to get any time off work to go to Mexico with him, and that we'd have to get our tickets refunded, and reschedule. He said not to bother, and that he already had someone else in mind to take with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33570

You deserved it

5534

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 17:02

One hell of a poker game?

Today, I lost 1200 dollars, my fiancée, my dog, my apartment, and my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

658

You deserved it

144

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, I went running for the first time in a few months. I had what I thought was an asthma attack. When I got home, I realized that it was not asthma, but instead I have gained so much weight that my running bra restricted my breathing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13576

You deserved it

31246

Favorite

By Anonymous - 2/5/2018 01:30

ur mom gay

Today, I pretended to be asleep when my mom and her best friend came home because I was tired as hell and I didn't want to be around them. I was then treated to a loud conversation about my mom's first time with a woman through our paper-thin walls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4177

You deserved it

600

Favorite

By JAMjessie - 20/9/2016 16:54 - United States

Today, I found out that my boss's ex-husband is my company manager. They are one office space apart and constantly shouting about one another. I'm in that one office space between them. In the office across from me? Their daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12265

You deserved it

799

Favorite

By erianne - 7/5/2018 15:00

Today, the neighbors heard a blood curdling scream and called the cops, thinking I was being murdered. Nope. I just stubbed my toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2789

You deserved it

545

Favorite

By ewmomew - 12/9/2010 04:07 - Canada

Today, I had a nice, open chat with my mother. I accidentally let slip that I'm a nymphomaniac. She accidentally let slip that my dad is bad in bed. I don't think either of us will be chatting so openly for awhile. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27536

You deserved it

9276

Favorite

By Anonymous - 28/4/2013 20:19 - United States - San Diego

Today, my parents threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't agree to convert to their new brand of Christianity. This is a day after they ranted at me about how I should speak my mind more and not let myself be controlled by other people. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48775

You deserved it

3576

Favorite

By jasonnn - 30/3/2012 05:00 - Australia

Today, I brought a girl home. My dad's first reaction was to pull out the camera and snap away. She now won't reply to my texts or calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26170

You deserved it

2338

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/8/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend would not ride in my convertible with the top down because he "didn't want to mess up his hair." My boyfriend is prissier than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1391

You deserved it

394

Favorite

By Derp-A-Herp - 27/5/2011 05:46 - United States

Today, my genius boyfriend was trying to remember a particular island in the Caribbean that was used by pirates in the past. I offered up Morocco. I heard him facepalm over the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9622

You deserved it

55147

Favorite

By Motha - 9/4/2014 05:17 - United States - West Jordan

Today, my obsession with saying "your mom" reached a new level when my anatomy teacher asked what I did with my pencil. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21584

You deserved it

50282

Favorite

By Tee - 26/3/2010 08:48 - France

Today, I got locked inside my office again by my co-workers because they had forgotten I was still around when they left. This happens 1 or 2 times a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31953

You deserved it

4388

Favorite

By suhleedah18 - 19/12/2011 05:03 - United States

Today, I was working on the computer when my dad walks in, pointing his finger at me like a gun. Before I could even ask, it turns out he was aiming a rubber band at me. The doctor says I'll be able to take off my eye patch in a couple of days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34726

You deserved it

2632

Favorite

By Gustav Fjorder - 4/7/2011 07:27 - Switzerland

Today, for breakfast, there were scrambled eggs, boiled eggs, bacon, sausages, fresh bread, croissants, brownies, donuts, fruit smoothie, coffee, tea and orange juice. Too bad no one bothered wake me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39761

You deserved it

10253

Favorite

By hitlerfish - 14/3/2017 22:00

Today, while meeting my boyfriend's family for the first time, the first comment I received was, "Well, at least this one is white." FML

I agree, your life sucks

5873

You deserved it

427

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 02:01

Threesome weirdness

Today, my roommate informed me that I need to move out, due to me having sex with his boyfriend. Even though he gave us permission, and told us to use protection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

495

You deserved it

986

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/2/2016 13:16 - Canada - Brossard

Today, I sent an email to my teacher asking if a source was a primary source, he replied yes. I got my grade back for my essay and it was worse than I expected. My teacher said it was because I didn't use a primary source. I showed him the email, to which he replied, "Well, I was wrong in the email." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27389

You deserved it

1772

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/2/2013 18:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I both developed food poisoning from last night's sushi. Our apartment has one bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32203

You deserved it

3289

Favorite

By fishruinsex - 8/12/2010 08:46

Today, I was messing around in my boyfriend's pants while watching TV. He was totally absorbed in the fishing show that was on. When the guy lost a fish, he got so disappointed that he became completely flaccid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34218

You deserved it

5971

Favorite

By donny31459 - 10/8/2011 14:44 - United States

Today, I got a ticket from a cop for not riding my bike in the bike lane. I wasn't riding in the bike lane because I was avoiding construction work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36963

You deserved it

3941

Favorite

By LovedByFamily - 8/10/2012 15:08 - Germany - K?ln

Today, I found out that my mom gives my brother tips on how to hurt my feelings the most. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34342

You deserved it

2275

Favorite

By now my watch begins - 31/7/2017 04:00 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for sneezing too many times during Game of Thrones. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4768

You deserved it

975

Favorite

By Zoogangcapk - 1/1/2020 05:00

Double Impact

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. The problem is that I don't know how to tell my wife... Who is also pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

501

You deserved it

9545

Favorite

By me_the_maniak - 12/1/2012 10:14 - India

Today, my parents want me to become a lawyer, all because our family members keep getting into feuds and court cases. I'm a successful developer, and run my own company. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26677

You deserved it

2431

Favorite

By fmlfmboyfriendah - 13/2/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with my boyfriend, he grabbed my double chin and goes "gobble, gobble". FML

I agree, your life sucks

40778

You deserved it

19834

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By swanheart | 35

#6381281 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:32

Hope you got his number. He sounds like a keeper! :-/

By iPixelCheese | 19

#6381305 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:38

Can't help but laugh at this. Someday you will probably look back and laugh too. As for now, FYL

COMMENTS

By Sebastian2022 | 22

#6381267 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:28

At least he called you babe.

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#6381289 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:33

It was going so well until he told her he'd suck the farts from her asshole. Damn.

slackerjoe | 22

#6381908 - Sunday 16 August 2015 0:04

really? That line has worked dozens of times for me... must have been the puke

FreakyDino98 | 13

#6382535 - Sunday 16 August 2015 15:20

i really hope he^is joking because that is pretty pathetic

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6382741 - Sunday 16 August 2015 19:29

In the words of George Carlton, "Blow it out your ass!..."

By worldclassrager | 39

#6381271 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:30

Luckily he won't remember that...and I hope you don't have to remember it as well

iPixelCheese | 19

#6381300 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:37

She posted it on FML, pretty sure she will remember it.

By rileyrae0000 | 23

#6381275 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:31

That is vile

crackajak | 15

#6381386 - Saturday 15 August 2015 10:11

I love obvious statements and push-up bras.

onlychildFTW | 33

#6381419 - Saturday 15 August 2015 11:56

It's so vile he threw up just saying it!

Aimeejasmine | 15

#6381506 - Saturday 15 August 2015 15:20

Who doesn't love push-up bras? Best invention ever.

rileyrae0000 | 23

#6381604 - Saturday 15 August 2015 17:34

That's cool, too bad I don't own any..

RenoTheRhino | 30

#6381634 - Saturday 15 August 2015 18:32

Well, this thread is going off on a tangent.

By swanheart | 35

#6381281 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:32

Hope you got his number. He sounds like a keeper! :-/

seenoevil818 | 13

#6381348 - Saturday 15 August 2015 9:33

Sounds like she got more than his number, fyl op.

By Cads1 | 24

#6381288 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:33

Learn to take a compliment no matter how it is delivered.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6381342 - Saturday 15 August 2015 9:24

Even if it was delivered anally?

LyricaSilvan | 29

#6381486 - Saturday 15 August 2015 14:49

How exactly is saying you would inhale someone's farts a compliment?

cmchappy | 25

#6381499 - Saturday 15 August 2015 15:10

Would he hold it like a bong hit?

By arabian22 | 29

#6381292 - Saturday 15 August 2015 8:35

Well at least you can say you've never heard that pickup line before

lysx84 | 24

#6381347 - Saturday 15 August 2015 9:33

I'm wondering if OP's admirer was Scottish - I've heard this one a couple of times. Along with "I'd eat a mile of your shite just to see where it comes from".