Miscellaneous: Today, a cute girl sitting next to me asked if she could use... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 219

You deserved it 56

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 113

You deserved it 1 028

17/10/2012 04:45

Today, a cute girl sitting next to me asked if she could use my phone. As I handed it to her, I attempted to use the expression "knock yourself out," but for a reason I can still not fathom, it came out as "kill yourself." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 583

You deserved it 7 683

Our house, in the middle of our street

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Baby you can drive my car

11/03/2014 13:04

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I was sad, but the only thing my mom could say was, "You should have waited until I got him to mow the lawn." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 816

You deserved it 6 270

30/04/2009 12:15

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN", flips me over, grabs his clothes, and runs out of my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 112 790

You deserved it 18 504

19/05/2012 02:41

Today, my husband and I were pulled over by a cop. He was still angry from our earlier argument over his constant freeloading, and when the cop told him we'd been doing 75 in a 55, he retorted, "Yeah? I did 75 in your mom last night, fuzzball." One more ticket I have to pay for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 044

You deserved it 5 482

28/05/2011 06:54

Today, I finally told the girl I've been after for more than a year that I'm attracted to her. Her response? A slight hug with a pat on the back as she said "There, there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 855

You deserved it 4 649

14/10/2011 06:09

Today, my students took my glasses, hid them from me, and called me a turtle when I squinted my eyes trying to look for them. This carried on for about 25 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 830

You deserved it 4 038

That Friday feeling

By Anon - 10/09/2021 15:17

Today, I was fired by one of my bosses for doing something the other boss told me to do. I work for a family company. Turns out my bosses are going through a divorce and will do anything to prove the other wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 558

You deserved it 1 955

26/02/2010 11:17

Today, I was walking past a group of old men exiting a building. All of a sudden, I heard a strange splashing sound, and discovered one of the completely inebriated men walking behind me, pissing on my boots. I sped up, but so did he, and he didn't miss once until he was done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 021

You deserved it 3 115

07/05/2009 19:15

Today, I was desperately handing out resumes. I came to my local grocery store and asked for a job application, the customer service rep told me all she needed was my resume. I smiled and gave it to her only to see her read it, laugh and put it straight in the garbage as I walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 056

You deserved it 4 440

28/01/2015 08:07

Today, it was my brother's birthday. I was short on money but got him a present anyway. After opening it, he looked at it and said, "I didn't really want this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 732

You deserved it 2 800

13/10/2010 02:09

Today, I tried to put my friend's hand in lukewarm water while he was sleeping, to see if he'd pee himself. He woke up and punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 381

You deserved it 66 286

18/08/2009 00:16

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, I was frantically searching for my cell phone. He was curious as to what I was doing so I told him. There was long silence followed by laughter. He could hardly breathe as he told me, "Honey you're on your phone talking to me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 380

You deserved it 81 510

05/08/2011 04:46

Spicy

Today, my roommate demanded that I dance naked for him as a birthday present. When I declined, he offered to pay me. When I declined again, he stormed off to pout in his room and played really loud depressing music. We're both guys and I have 11 months left on my lease with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 367

You deserved it 3 698

13/10/2009 11:07

Today, my new girlfriend told me I don't snore when I sleep. Which is funny, since during the last year of my marriage, my ex-wife would make me sleep on the couch because my loud snoring kept her up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 401

You deserved it 2 949

11/09/2013 21:35

Today, I officially became a divorced marriage counselor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 522

You deserved it 7 956

10/01/2015 03:41

Today, I found my intoxicated step-father in our back yard trying to domesticate a stray opossum, attempting to give it steak and malt liquor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 472

You deserved it 2 442

Fault

By problemchild - 02/11/2009 21:05

Today, I went to a family counseling session because my parents are getting a divorce. I told the counselor that I feel guilty because I feel like I caused it. She says that there is no way I could have caused it, that it's my parents' problem when my mom interrupts her to say, "Yes she did." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 562

You deserved it 3 715

Instagone

By Anonymous - 02/01/2018 22:00

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of almost four years was breaking up with me when she captioned an Instagram post saying, "Who else besides me is going into 2018 single?" I had already bought an engagement ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 217

You deserved it 320

30/07/2009 20:15

Spicy

Today, I placed a personal ad advertising myself as an overweight woman wanting sex. I sent pictures of me in lingerie to men who replied and was pleased that almost all were still interested. Then I sent face pics. As it turns out, being fat is not my problem. Apparently I'm ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 742

You deserved it 29 308

PUSH

By whoops - 08/07/2015 16:30

Today, while visiting family in Taipei, I came across a large button that said "PUSH" on it. I was curious and pushed it. A deafening alarm then sounded for the next 10 minutes, attracting concerned neighbours and finally a security guard who informed me that I'd pushed a panic button. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 541

You deserved it 11 018

Wake up call

By das_shizzle - 05/05/2020 23:00

Today, I woke up to my husband trying to bite my forehead in his sleep. My response? I slapped him hard in the face. What a way to wake up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 273

You deserved it 238

03/06/2011 21:34

Today, I asked to change my major at the college I'm transferring to in the fall. Instead of letting me change my major, they withdrew my acceptance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 673

You deserved it 4 736

13/08/2013 23:53

Spicy

Today, while cleaning my ears with Q-tips, I came in my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 928

You deserved it 19 097

03/11/2016 06:03

Today, my girlfriend and I had sex. Later, she said the highlight of her day was getting a cupcake from the grocery store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 036

You deserved it 1 863

06/10/2010 13:58

Today, I quit my job as a barista for one of our competitors with a couple of bucks more an hour. Two hours after I'd handed in my resignation, my boss approached me just to let me know that if I hadn't resigned, I would've been offered my own café. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 720

You deserved it 33 668

Work is work

By mylifeisfed - 04/11/2009 12:56

Today, I encountered one of my professors from college. Back when I was in his game theory class, he publicly criticized me for falling asleep and not paying attention, to which I retaliated by acing all of his exams. Four years and a degree later, I met him again... while working at Pizza Hut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 719

You deserved it 12 788

17/01/2012 06:43

Today, my boyfriend shared with me his anxiety about death, so I shared with him one of my ridiculously irrational fears. He thought I was making fun of him and now won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 884

You deserved it 5 599

11/12/2014 23:13

Today, I asked my teacher how old he was, and jokingly I said, "50?" Then he chuckled, so I laughed and said, "I was kidding… 42, 43, 44?" He then looked at me and said, "Are you trying to guess my age, or your grade percent in this class?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 250

You deserved it 30 087

06/01/2009 08:28

Today, I couldn't take home the free weights I'd planned on buying to start bodybuilding 'cos I couldn't lift the box, which was too heavy for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 998

You deserved it 5 460

26/04/2019 16:00

Today, I have to reschedule the vacation I had planned for eight months because I have the flu, and feel too sick to go and enjoy myself at a waterpark. This vacation is the only thing that's kept me sane these last two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 869

You deserved it 206

20/09/2011 10:07

Today, I discovered that the ancient looking coin I dug up in my front yard is worth hundreds of dollars. Too bad I found that coin when I was eight years old, and have since misplaced it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 250

You deserved it 6 755

25/03/2011 12:22

Today, I got 2 creams for a skin condition. The one for my face says "Don't expose skin to sun after use of this product". The one for the rest of my body says "This product relies on exposure to the sun". In other words, I have to be outside as much as I can, naked and with a box on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 751

You deserved it 6 614

01/07/2016 14:10

Today, I set up a hidden camera in my room so I could prove that my sister beats me up when my parents aren't home, since they always accuse me of lying about it. When I showed them, they wasted no time accusing me of "provoking" her off-camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 450

You deserved it 888

09/03/2009 00:45

Today, I finally got up the nerve to ask this really cute girl out I've had a crush on for over eight months. Turns out she isn't a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 051

You deserved it 34 470

02/08/2011 06:46

Today, I found out that the crazy old man that sleep walks naked around my neighborhood every night is my grandpa. And he's not sleepwalking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 807

You deserved it 2 854

07/12/2010 00:37

Today, after years of hard work, I had an interview at the highest ranking university in the world 800 miles from where I live. It snowed heavily for the last 2 days closing every road, railway, and airport causing me to miss the interview. There is no rescheduling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 512

You deserved it 2 691

02/11/2011 20:18

Today, my 12 year-old daughter asked me where her scrotum is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 651

You deserved it 5 835

25/04/2016 20:37

Today, I crawled under a table to plug a new lamp. When I tried to get up, I hit my head on the corner of the same table, getting me my fourth concussion in three years for trying to plug a f***ing lamp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 117

You deserved it 4 631

16/07/2011 06:23

Today, I got mugged. I also got an extra kick in the face for not having money in my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 350

You deserved it 3 670

Damian?

By Anonymous - 16/09/2019 06:01

Today, while babysitting, I got stabbed by a 7 year-old with a mechanical pencil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 151

You deserved it 107

21/06/2012 14:52

Today, when I told my family I was a vegetarian, I expected them to make fun of me because that's just my family. But what I wasn't expecting was my dad to use raw meat as a puppet and make it say, "Eat me! Eat me!" then throw it at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 191

You deserved it 7 760

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 12:02

That's brilliant

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 12:02

HAHAHA. Your's and her face would have been priceless!

Comments

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 12:02

That's brilliant

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 12:50

Knock yourself out Knock out Wipe you out Exterminate you Eliminate you Bleh Meh Kill yourself. Yes, word association cum thesaurus in the brain is brilliant.

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 13:34

Her blank expression of surprise and what the hell was more or less priceless I bet.

LiesAndMischief 4

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 15:37

This is literally the first FML that actually made me laugh out loud. While everyone else in the house is sleeping, of course.

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Thursday 18 October 2012 3:41

"Hey can I borrow your phone?" "Kill yourself out." "..."

FATTY_MCDOOGLE 29

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Monday 22 October 2012 21:38

Seems like he's been on the internet for too long.

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 12:02

HAHAHA. Your's and her face would have been priceless!

chatoyant_fml 12

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 13:06

That also might have been a good test to see if the girl got a sense of humor as well.

Cairo_Sanchez 8

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 16:07

You're a Champion!

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 12:05

'hey can I borrow your phone please?' 'kill yourself' Haha aw OP

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 15:14

I can imagine this relationship a few years down the road, OP pulls out a ring: "Will you.. Will you.. Will you blow me?"

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 16:31

Well that escalated quicky...

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 16:33

A few years is not so quick.

MormonPornstar 7

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Thursday 18 October 2012 8:56

55 - She was talking about the 'blow me vs. marry me' comment. Open ze eyes

imavelociraptor 6

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 12:09

Well now she's DYING to go out with you :) Let us know how your first date goes OP.

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 12:20

Yeap. If only scoring a first date was as easy as lending someone a phone... Time to get out of the basement and into the real world chief.

BellaBelle_fml 23

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 13:21

Hey you never know when, where, or how you could meet your future bf/gf or spouse. My grandparents met on a train. My Papa was sitting in the aisle seat and my Nana was standing fairly close to him when the train suddenly lurched forward sending my Nana right into my Papa's lap! And the rest is history :)

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 18:14

25 And that's where babies come from!

imavelociraptor 6

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 20:47

12- for someone who spends so much time in the "real world" you have a very poor understanding of sarcasm. Video chatting doesn't count..... Chief :)

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 12:12

shit happens... FYL, dude :)

Jessiegirl122 7

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 20:51

oxyMORON.

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 22:20

5- That's why we're on this site.

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 12:12

Haha great story to tell your grand children

Hiimhaileypotter 52

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 12:15

I hope you apologized and corrected yourself and then had a good laugh about it with her. :)

Ks22 4

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 12:18

Did she use the phone after you said that? How funny though.

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 12:19

Op's username:D

CharresBarkrey 15

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 12:30

... Is spelled wrong.

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 12:58

Testicles + tentacles = testacles. Op was cursing over a male squid/octopus.

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 17:51

Chuck testa

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Friday 28 December 2012 18:59

testaments plus testicles makes testacles

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 12:32

You should have went on and said "kill yourself, for you must have been an angel, and this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you". Starry, starry night...