Work: Today, a customer opened with "you open bottles with them thangs?"...

By bottlepoppin - United States

Today, a customer opened with "you open bottles with them thangs?" I look around my desk for something he might confuse with an actual bottle opener. His girlfriend then informs me he is talking about my breasts. I work for a bank. FML

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47914

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Work

Out of it

There's no helping some people

Casual something

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got sexually excited thinking about what kind of donuts I wanted to get in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26455

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11075

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By ninja breakup?

Today, my boyfriend of six years came home wearing a ninja suit. When I asked why, he said "These are my breakup clothes. I'm breaking up with you." He then screamed, threw a plastic shuriken at me and ran away. It hit me in the breast. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3531

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335

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By whattheshit - United States

Today, I woke up early. As I was just about to fall back asleep, I was re-awoken to the sound of my parents doing it in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26118

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2354

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a romantic date to the mountains to look a stars with a boy I had just met. We started kissing and he stopped, asking if it was rude for him to take me home now. After getting dropped off, he texted me saying we could never do that again and we should never talk about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50642

You deserved it

5554

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By food critic - Australia - Ryde

Today, I saw my girlfriend's mother tagged at a restaurant, the same one I had suggested we try earlier in the week. At the time, she quickly shut me down because "that place sounds terrible". I guess she forgot that she finally added me on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7671

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580

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By abbacjt - United States

Today, I sent my sister a text about how fat I was becoming and looking as disgusting as my ex husband. When I checked to see if she had received it I saw that I had accidentally sent it to my ex father in law. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7745

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26580

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By Mona Lisa was a skank-ass ho - United Kingdom - Cheadle

Today, my new doctor asked if I'm sexually active. I said no. He nodded and murmured "No surprise there." Thanks, mate. FML

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30350

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up happier than I've ever been because last night I hooked up with the girl I have loved for almost a year and I thought I would never get with her. This morning I saw that her status on Facebook was "FML". FML

I agree, your life sucks

82366

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7223

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2021 00:01 - United States - Miami Beach

Fuck paddleboarders

Today, some paddleboarders screamed bloody murder and called marine patrol on my family's friends, because the paddleboarders thought they were going to get hit or run over or whatever, even though they were politely asked to move out of the way multiple times. FML

I agree, your life sucks

668

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171

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, I signed my own plaster-cast to make people believe that I actually have friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29800

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7669

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By neta_1996 - United States - Mabelvale

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me two days before my birthday. Only to make it worse, I found out that he had been texting my mother on how to break up with me. To make it even worse, she was giving him tips. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48161

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3955

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By Anonymous - United States - Sanford

Today, I had to pee in my cat's litter box, just to avoid witnessing my mom having sex in the living room on my way to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

79131

You deserved it

6398

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

Today, while on a first date, I had to excuse myself to the restroom. I was still tired from pulling an all-nighter, and fell asleep on the toilet. When I woke up and rushed back out, my date was gone. Everyone now thinks I'm an arsehole who pulled the old "window escape" trick on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46747

You deserved it

13821

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By RensM - New Zealand

Today, I went to the movies. I was seated next to a woman who talked through the film and said: "Awwww" every time she saw a primate. I went to see 'Rise of Planet of the Apes'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38140

You deserved it

3101

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By dJ21 - Guam

Today, I was at the airport getting ready to go to Hawaii. The guy at the counter said my flight was delayed. It turns out that the flight that was delayed was a flight going to Miami. My flight left at the regular time, and my luggage was on it, because I checked in the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31393

You deserved it

3708

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By alex - United States - Seagrove

Finger on the pulse

Today, I started a new job as a receptionist at a nursing home. When two men came in saying, "We're here for Mr. Christensen," I paged him to come to the front desk. Apparently, these men had come from the funeral home to pick up Mr. Christensen's body. I was completely unaware that anyone had died. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17998

You deserved it

1631

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By Anonymous - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my fiancée's OCD hit a new low when she screamed at me for flicking the light-switch off "the wrong way". This led to her flicking it on and off about a dozen times, followed by a twenty-minute lecture on how to do it "properly". We're getting married next month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28039

You deserved it

8995

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By lorena_v

Today, I screamed at the top of my lungs in the middle of a math test because I saw a spider that wound up being a hairball. My teacher was incredibly sympathetic, taking off only five points for "disrupting our working environment". FML

I agree, your life sucks

2309

You deserved it

3744

Favorite

By faul - 26/9/2020 05:02 - United States

Hey Jude, don't make it bad

Today, a lady told me I looked like Paul McCartney in his youth. With that little confidence boost, I told my girlfriend. I'm not sure what's worse, the fact that she didn't know who Paul McCartney is, or how she is now obsessively Googling pictures of him and is practically drooling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

870

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149

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By buggermonster - United States

Today, while I was at my girlfriend's parents' house for dinner, and I thought no one was looking, I picked my nose and put it underneath my chair. Turns out she has a little brother who found it appropriate to point at me and scream, "Booger monster, Booger monster!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

8711

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By Kanata

Today, my phone cut out during a call for a job interview. I tried calling them back, but there was no answer. Later, I got an email from the interviewer, saying I was no longer being considered for the position due to my being "rude and unprofessional." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1770

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137

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Thin blue line

Today, I called the cops on my elderly neighbor for blaring loud war music yet again. They chatted and laughed with him on his lawn for a good half hour. As they left, he slapped the female officer's ass, only for her to just giggle about it. After they drove off, he fired up his music again. FML

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24067

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2618

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She plays tricks on me

Today, I had dinner at my girlfriend's house with her parents. Everything was going great, until after dinner when her dad pulled me aside and told me he'd heard us having sex. I was out of town all weekend for a baseball tournament. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4413

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180

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By WhatTheF

Today, after far too many times of my brother stealing food out of my own personal mini fridge, I bought a lock and chained the handles together. I came back to find that my brother had responded by breaking the doors off their hinges. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13811

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1105

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, I dropped my knitting project while I was sitting down, but I managed to catch it between my legs. So my knitting needles also caught me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11576

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1356

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By Chicagoillinois - United States - San Francisco

Today, my step-dad explained to me why he doesn't need to wash his body. He condescendingly said, "Well when you shampoo your hair, the soap runs down your body and cleans everything." He's 37 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33682

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By RoxMySox - United States

Today, I got into a car accident. I got into it because I noticed a flashy new sign on the highway that read "Being an attentive driver prevents car crashes". Thanks for the notice. FML

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28371

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6689

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By sad child - United States

Today, I went to my doctor for a check-up. It started with the doctor lifting my shirt up to check my heartbeat, and ended with my gran starting a fistfight over his "perverted ways." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31673

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2689

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By Sacha - 19/1/2021 08:01 - Canada

When nature calls

Today, while I was working in a grocery store, a costumer decide to take a dump on the ground after I told him he couldn’t access to restrooms because my boss closed them due to COVID restrictions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

918

You deserved it

154

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By delicious - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I poured boiling water over my instant noodles. A freshly boiled cockroach also rolled out onto my noodles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21780

You deserved it

2318

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By jrad - United States

Today, I went to move my dog that had been napping in the middle of my bed for the last few hours, only to discover that he wasn't napping. He died. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66710

You deserved it

3538

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By Stingraybeemonster - Thailand

Today, I was snorkeling when a stingray suddenly appeared when I thought I was just looking at sand. It startled me, so my heel made contact with a sea urchin so that then startled me, and my other foot hit another one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18354

You deserved it

2268

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in my new boyfriend's apartment for the first time. As I was flipping through his photo albums, I came across one full of disturbingly candid pictures of me. I found some as early as my trip to the state fair, three years ago. I met my boyfriend two months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

169025

You deserved it

10977

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By Bhrugu - 20/5/2021 06:01

Cruel Summer

Today, my 20-day summer break started. It was also the day my entire family, including me, tested positive for Covid. I'm typing this in an isolation ward. There goes my summer break. FML

I agree, your life sucks

884

You deserved it

130

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By oops123 - United States

Today, I finally hooked up with a guy I've been hanging out with for 2 months. Afterwards, while we're getting dressed he says "You better be clean. If you're not tell me now so I dont pass it on to my girlfriend." Stunned, all I could say was, "Girlfriend?!" His reply, "Well technically my fiancée." FML

I agree, your life sucks

78076

You deserved it

14151

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, a man pulled a knife on me just so he could mug me of the cigarette I was smoking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47415

You deserved it

7795

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By OUCH - Canada

Today, while going for a run in my neighbourhood I was hit by a car not once, but twice. The second car, closely following the first, stopped and then drove forward to see if I was all right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51356

You deserved it

3220

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By Chester (Seattle) - United States

Today, I got circumcised. After the surgery, my girlfriend got drunk and texted all of her friends about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31865

You deserved it

5790

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By waymoreiwanted - United States - Ashland

Today, I opened up a snapchat from my best friend. I received a full and detailed view of her and her boyfriend having sex. All I wanted to know was how her Valentine's Day dinner went. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56819

You deserved it

9584

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By yaa

Everyone's an expert

Today, my sister's husband, who's never even been to college let alone medical school, told me that my cancer is not hereditary, despite a deep family history. He instead swears it's due to my "poor lifestyle and eating habits." Mind you, he's a 300 lbs, fall-down drunk with multiple DUIs. FML

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1964

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149

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Top comments

By brodizzle | 0

#10808 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:29

what

By adelaide_evening | 0

#10817 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:37

I say it's an FML on that mans girlfriend for having to put up with the guy if anything

COMMENTS

By brodizzle | 0

#10808 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:29

what

Theatregeek788 | 0

#1006302 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 3:05

LMAO!! funny...but perverted

IIRoxieII | 12

#2583374 - Sunday 29 May 2011 15:38

my thoughts exactly

strokesie | 23

#3472242 - Saturday 22 October 2011 19:01

Of course.. From Ohio. XD

fluorescentadole_fml | 8

#3794384 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 16:22

the strokes!

By vmarsbars | 0

#10812 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:33

Um I agree with brodizzle -- what???

By buxtehude_fml | 0

#10814 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:34

yeah I seriously don't get why that is worthy of an fml?

trenton95 | 4

#986123 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 2:38

ice submitted like 50 FML's and not one of them has been submitted and this chick comes along with the stupidest fml ever an nails it wow

By adelaide_evening | 0

#10817 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:37

I say it's an FML on that mans girlfriend for having to put up with the guy if anything

By onlyhuman | 0

#10824 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:44

i don't get it... :/

By Melly_fml | 0

#10832 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:55

it's a fuck my life cuz she was totally disrespected at work
by someone's boyfriend
good grief why would she put up with him?

By BeautyAndBrains | 0

#10847 - Monday 2 March 2009 10:13

ICK! What an asshole. I also feel really bad fo that guy's girlfriend, because she has to put up with him.

By Touch_fml | 0

#10850 - Monday 2 March 2009 10:33

They must be very nice for him to be looking while with his girlfriend you should take it as a compliment. Just my opinion :D

taylortot973 | 0

#1382580 - Friday 10 September 2010 13:36

sooo many things wrong with that comment…

By LLovey | 0

#10851 - Monday 2 March 2009 10:34

I'd probably be a little insulted and disgusted at the guy but it's sort of his compliment?
I'd also find it amusing.

By extreme_flyboy | 0

#10853 - Monday 2 March 2009 10:46

Must have been realy cold in the bank for you nipple stand to be so big that it looks like a corkscrew :) i dont think he was hitting on her, just making fun of her. So i guess that might be a VERY minor fml...

happypenguin7293 | 0

#1956945 - Wednesday 12 January 2011 4:35

thank you for explaining the comment that fml made no sense to me before. but y did it matter she works in a bank?