Work: Today, a customer opened with "you open bottles with them thangs?"...

By bottlepoppin - United States

Today, a customer opened with "you open bottles with them thangs?" I look around my desk for something he might confuse with an actual bottle opener. His girlfriend then informs me he is talking about my breasts. I work for a bank. FML

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Work

Sorry…

Instadrama

I'm not lovin' it

By stop_crying - United States

Today, a twelve year-old girl was better at calming down my six month-old baby on the bus than me. FML

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10364

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2021 00:01 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Grow a backbone time!

Today, I had to stop going to university with 2 years left because my parents feel it's not the right course for me. I am 23 years-old, living with my parents, $2 to my name and no job. FML

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717

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By Sofi

Today, I canceled going to a party with my sisters because I had a secret plan to have a threesome. They left for the party, but soon returned thinking it would be no fun without me. By then we were already making a lot of indecent noise. They heard it all. FML

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2117

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By helpme - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a love letter during class and told him to read it when he got home. He texted me later asking me why I gave him my school assignment. I must have handed the love letter in to my teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27264

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By InNeedOfFriends - United States

Today, I got all dressed up, in high heels and a sparkly dress, to sit in the library for most of the night so that my roommate and his friends would believe that I have a social life. FML

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38356

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone stole my iPhone. I used the Find My iPhone app, and located it in the apartment building next to mine. I can hear the ringing sound I've activated, but nobody will answer the door. FML

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27816

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By cheekymonkey97

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend whilst straddled on top of him. He started to undo my bra. I was fine with this but he stopped kissing me and looked at me with a slight smile. He then said, "I know this is going to kill the mood... but I feel like I could milk your boobs right now" FML

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12324

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. My spare keys are 45 minutes away in my dorm room. My dorm room keys are attached to my car keys locked in my car. Security said they would let me in as long as I had my school ID. It's on my keychain. FML

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30989

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By Warriorwizzle - Vietnam - Hanoi

Ewwwwwwww

Today, I had to move down to the third floor because after complaining about rats on my rooftop the landlord put down traps. The rats died. Flies came. The flies laid eggs. The eggs birthed maggots. The maggots rained down from my broken ceiling into my bed and all over my floor. I'm not okay. FML

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3945

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was helping my friend pack her carry on for her vacation. I drove her to the airport, and after her plane took off, I noticed I put my cell phone in her purse. Her vacation is 2 months long. FML

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16942

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By Sara - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend and I went to visit his grandparents. Everything went well, until his grandmother approached me and asked me if I wanted to try some of her old bras. I didn't want to be rude, so I went with her. Most awkward moment of my life. FML

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12552

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2098

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2020 21:00

Check your head

Today, while watching a movie on my iPad, a really cute girl sat next to me. Suddenly, everyone on the bus started clapping. I started to clap very loudly as well, asking the girl why we were clapping. She gave me a strange look. I then realized the applause was coming from my headphones. FML

I agree, your life sucks

679

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2067

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband told me that for our anniversary he will be watching the UFC fight, because it is, "one of the biggest events ever and he just can't miss it." Apparently, our one-year wedding anniversary is not as important. To add to it, he said we should watch it together. Very romantic. FML

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1570

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By mighthavepaidfortwodates

Today, after an amazing date with a girl I like at a restaurant, I realized I foolishly forgot my wallet. When I returned, I spotted my date at another table on a date with a different guy. I also wasn’t able to find my wallet. FML

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2045

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319

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By Anonymous - Germany - Mannheim

Today, my car is still in the shop, so I asked my psycho brother to drive me to the mall. He sped up to nearly 20km over the speed limit, so I shouted for him to stop before he got us both killed. He hit the brakes in the middle of an intersection, and wouldn't move again until I got out. FML

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27188

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By nnniii - United States - Seattle

Today, I tried to give my first hand-job while wearing fuzzy socks in a carpeted room. I reached out to touch his penis and shocked him. FML

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28323

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss announced that instead of holiday bonuses being on the cards, the company is going under and we'll all be out of a job next year. FML

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29581

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I began training my replacement at work. She's a senior citizen. She got excited when I taught her how to highlight text on the screen and double-click the mouse because she "never knew how to do those fancy tricks." The job is entirely computer-based. I have to train her for 6 weeks. FML

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30592

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By uninspired - United States

Today, my cheater of an ex-boyfriend sent me one of his many messages proclaiming his new-found love for me, and in the middle of it asked me how my period was going. FML

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27292

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By ohcrap - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's father for the first time. We were at a restaurant and my bofriend kept playing footsie with me under the table. When my boyfriend excused himself to go to the restroom, the game of footsie was still going on. FML

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52900

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By Anonymous - United States - Tulsa

Today, I enjoyed a romantic evening at home with my husband while a babysitter took care of my 5-year-old daughter. After she came home, she told me the sitter let her use her "weird swing." I wasn't too worried, until she said it was indoors, and I realized she was describing a sex swing. FML

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42670

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over 2 years said he wants to get married before he leaves for basic training. Not because he loves me, but because he'll get paid more if he's married. This is the only time he's been excited about marriage. FML

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41724

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I chatted to a nice guy and gave him my number. I told him I was going to sleep because I had a headache, and then put my phone on silent. He rang multiple times, and when I obviously didn't pick up, he sent several texts insulting me and calling me gutless for not responding. FML

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39644

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By MadMax - United States

Today, my friend awoke me because I was talking in my sleep. When I asked her what I was talking about she replied with, "Let's just say you were having tea with the Queen of England. And a duck. You're really good at quacking." FML

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42368

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By gloria77 - United States

Today, I took my kids to visit their grandma. At one point while playing, my youngest said "shit", so I admonished her. My mom snorted and told me to "stop being such a little bitch", because it will make my kids into "lame prisses like their mother". FML

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30267

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By Evelyn - United States

Today, I was at the park with my friends. We were all having fun on the swings, when out of nowhere I heard a thud, followed by a child crying. Turns out I accidentally kicked him in the head. FML

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27420

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By Anonymous

Spay and neuter, people!

Today, I took in an old friend’s fat cat for a month until she finds a place to live. Turns out the cat isn’t fat, just pregnant. I found out when I found two of her dead kittens in my living room. FML

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By fatty - United States

Today, my fitness trainer husband told me that if I could not make the commitment to stay thin, he could not make the commitment to stay with me. FML

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46266

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By nicedoggy - United States - Nixa

Today, I came home from college to find my favorite silk nightie that I had left behind being modeled by Bernie, the family dog. Nobody will admit to who put it on him. I don't know what's worse, that my family is a bunch of assholes, or that my nightie is big enough to fit a Saint Bernard. FML

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24192

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By Teaching26 - United States

Today, I lectured my second-grade class to be more descriptive in their writing. I gave them an assignment to describe something in the classroom. I was grading their work later, and one student wrote, "My class is taught by a fat teacher with gray hair." FML

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31042

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By anonymous - United States - West Babylon

Today, my best friend and I, after years of sexual tension, began to have sex for the first time. Things got heated and he decided to abruptly stand up with me around him. I got so nervous, spazzed out, and now have 37 staples in my head courtesy of his bookshelf. FML

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40241

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By strangely - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to imagine myself savagely beating my cat to death, just to stop myself from getting a boner while a girl laid her head in my lap. FML

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35137

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I was on a hot date. After we finished supper we went back to his place. My stomach started to feel upset so I politely asked where is bathroom was so I could "powder my nose". After ten minutes of agonizing diarrhea, I looked down and noticed he was out of toilet paper. FML

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41262

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 20:01

Clean break

Today, I simultaneously learned that fracturing your penis is a thing that can happen while my wife fractured mine in the middle of some rough reverse cowgirl. My penis is now black and blue with an almost 90 degree bend, and to make it worse the ambulance guys thought it was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1243

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236

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellerose

Is that even possible?

Today, I realized my sleepwalking habit has reached new heights. How? I woke up in the bathroom. On a plane headed to California. FML

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3100

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404

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By Embarrassed - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I went to visit a friend I hadn't seen in ages who lives alone out in the country. I arrived and found the front door unlocked but no one was home. I went in anyway and helped myself to some food. Then a family I had never seen before came in, and I realized it wasn't my friend's house. FML

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11666

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By Googleit - Canada

Today, I was told that I may die by the time I'm 30, and that I should Google the disorder because he doesn't know what it is for sure. FML

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44035

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By angela - United States

Today, I thought my face was breaking out with pimples, and I thought it was weird because I never break out. And I noticed all these "bug bites" all over my body. When I got home, I realized those weren't bug bites. I have chicken pox, and my high school graduation is tomorrow. FML

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64192

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2020 02:02

Gratitude

Today, I brought my girlfriend flowers. All she managed to do was to say it’s been a year since you brought me flowers. FML

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683

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the hospital to visit my aunt and her newborn baby. The receptionist gave me the room number, and I went and my aunt was in the bathroom so I cuddle the baby, only to find that the woman who came out of the bathroom was a complete stranger. I was holding her baby. FML

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35523

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Top comments

By brodizzle | 0

#10808 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:29

what

By adelaide_evening | 0

#10817 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:37

I say it's an FML on that mans girlfriend for having to put up with the guy if anything

COMMENTS

By brodizzle | 0

#10808 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:29

what

Theatregeek788 | 0

#1006302 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 3:05

LMAO!! funny...but perverted

IIRoxieII | 12

#2583374 - Sunday 29 May 2011 15:38

my thoughts exactly

strokesie | 23

#3472242 - Saturday 22 October 2011 19:01

Of course.. From Ohio. XD

fluorescentadole_fml | 8

#3794384 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 16:22

the strokes!

By vmarsbars | 0

#10812 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:33

Um I agree with brodizzle -- what???

By buxtehude_fml | 0

#10814 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:34

yeah I seriously don't get why that is worthy of an fml?

trenton95 | 4

#986123 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 2:38

ice submitted like 50 FML's and not one of them has been submitted and this chick comes along with the stupidest fml ever an nails it wow

By adelaide_evening | 0

#10817 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:37

I say it's an FML on that mans girlfriend for having to put up with the guy if anything

By onlyhuman | 0

#10824 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:44

i don't get it... :/

By Melly_fml | 0

#10832 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:55

it's a fuck my life cuz she was totally disrespected at work
by someone's boyfriend
good grief why would she put up with him?

By BeautyAndBrains | 0

#10847 - Monday 2 March 2009 10:13

ICK! What an asshole. I also feel really bad fo that guy's girlfriend, because she has to put up with him.

By Touch_fml | 0

#10850 - Monday 2 March 2009 10:33

They must be very nice for him to be looking while with his girlfriend you should take it as a compliment. Just my opinion :D

taylortot973 | 0

#1382580 - Friday 10 September 2010 13:36

sooo many things wrong with that comment…

By LLovey | 0

#10851 - Monday 2 March 2009 10:34

I'd probably be a little insulted and disgusted at the guy but it's sort of his compliment?
I'd also find it amusing.

By extreme_flyboy | 0

#10853 - Monday 2 March 2009 10:46

Must have been realy cold in the bank for you nipple stand to be so big that it looks like a corkscrew :) i dont think he was hitting on her, just making fun of her. So i guess that might be a VERY minor fml...

happypenguin7293 | 0

#1956945 - Wednesday 12 January 2011 4:35

thank you for explaining the comment that fml made no sense to me before. but y did it matter she works in a bank?