Today, a customer opened with "you open bottles with them thangs?"...

By bottlepoppin - 2/3/2009 02:31 - United States

Today, a customer opened with "you open bottles with them thangs?" I look around my desk for something he might confuse with an actual bottle opener. His girlfriend then informs me he is talking about my breasts. I work for a bank. FML

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47882

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Work

Rock, hard place

Thanks, I'm cured!

Daydreaming

By Anonymous - 13/1/2010 21:41 - United States

Today, I did a 'dine and dash' and left my phone in the restaurant. The owner answered my phone call. FML

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6094

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By emonsteadman - 28/5/2012 14:05 - United States - Denton

Today, at my job as a lifeguard, I told a teenager to, "Walk please." He then threw his soda at me as he ran away. We aren't allowed off stand unless it's an emergency, so I baked in that soda for 30 minutes. FML

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27069

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By truckstopworker - 27/4/2017 02:00

Today, while working at my truck stop, I helped a trucker check his tires. He seemed like a pretty nice guy, and we chatted for a bit. After he took off and I walked back inside, I went to clean the shower he was in before. Turns out he took a shit on the floor. His wife had been in there with him. FML

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4693

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By Sam - 4/3/2010 15:51 - United States

Today, I went out to eat with a group of couples and my boyfriend. All my friends boyfriends paid for them. Mine didn't, and said that I should order off the diet menu. FML

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33813

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2014 15:47 - United States - Arlington

Today, I got on one knee in front of my girlfriend. I pulled out the ring, uttered the words "Lisa, will you..." then abruptly shat my pants. FML

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48069

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By fatty - 23/1/2010 21:44 - United States

Today, I asked my friend who is a fashion major why she didn't want to use me as a model for her senior project. She said my boobs were too big. I doubt it'd have been an issue if I were a girl. FML

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30573

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2019 22:00 - France

Classy

Today, I've got two family members over to stay. So far, I have found a dirty Q-Tip, a nasty toe nail and had to clean up period blood from toilets, bin, and the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1625

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125

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By Milked Richard - 6/2/2015 04:14 - Australia - Wagga Wagga

Today, I woke up with my penis taped inside a milk bottle. Yes, I'm as baffled as you are. FML

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33097

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By annika - 6/9/2020 08:07 - Canada

Meet the family

Today, I finally took the courage to introduce my ginger boyfriend to my family. It didn't go too well. My dad asked if he could call him "Ron Weasley" and my 13-year-old brother asked if he had a soul. Now I'm single again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1400

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By CRWMEN - 22/12/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend canceled our date I've been looking forward to all week because her dog was having puppies. She doesn't have a dog. FML

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34304

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By Well, shit - 18/1/2016 22:04 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my parents forced me to write a thank you letter to my uncle who passed away a week after Christmas. FML

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19096

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2013 15:21 - United States

Today, I fainted. Instead of stopping to help, some guy stopped to draw a penis on my forehead. The EMT laughed. FML

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51180

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 07:38 - United States

Today, I got my car back from the shop. The engine has been rebuilt twice in the past 3 months. My check engine light just came on. FML

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27448

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By SBCR - 7/12/2012 06:01 - United States - Ankeny

Today, my best friend announced she was getting married. I've always wanted to be a bridesmaid but she then added, "You can't be in the bridal party because you don't have the same body type as the other bridesmaids. But you can still come to the bachelorette party!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

35099

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By LonelyLoner - 26/11/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, I went out to lunch with a girl I like and her best friend. We had a good time, even talked for a few hours at the restaurant, but after we left, she stopped talking to me. Her friend told her that I kept staring at her chest; I was trying to see what her pendant was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12815

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By BloodyNoseMcgee - 11/10/2018 15:30

Today, I dropped some glass at my job while putting it on the shelf. A shard bounced off the floor and went up my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2884

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165

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By MrsCasillas - 26/9/2013 06:24 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, my financial issues hit a new low when I had to borrow back some of the money I gave the guy who did my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35381

You deserved it

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By ByeByeBlackberry - 7/9/2009 17:32 - United States

Today, I decided I would finally get up and weed our front yard. After a long couple of hours, I was hot and sweaty and decided to jump in the pool, with all my clothes on, just for fun. Right as I was in the air doing a cannon ball, my BlackBerry started to ring from my pocket... FML

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16696

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By Ted - 6/6/2019 18:00

Today, I finally felt comfortable enough to fart in front of my boyfriend for the first time. He went quiet, got up and left in his car. I haven't heard from him in 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2042

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By Skido - 20/2/2009 01:39 - United States

Today, I was watching a documentary on The World's Fattest Man. Half way through the show the reported started talking about his girlfriend. The Fattest Man in the world has a girlfriend. I'm 21 an have never had a girlfriend. FML

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57380

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By Sinnersinner - 21/9/2014 11:27 - United States - Ontario

Today, I was having sex with this amazingly hot guy. Things got pretty intense, and right as I was about to orgasm, the gold crucifix came flying off his necklace and sliced my eyelid open. Message received. Well played, God. FML

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48616

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2012 16:45 - United States - Brighton

Today, while on vacation with my family, my mother told me to put my phone in her purse, so it wouldn't get stolen. Someone stole her purse. FML

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26114

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By mstar - 24/9/2012 17:01 - United States

Today, I realized how lonely I am when I got excited over receiving my daily weather update from the Weather Channel. FML

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19538

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By tnt007 - 10/1/2010 21:46 - France

Today, I saw what I thought was a gallon jug of water. Trying to do something spontaneous and fun, I took my hardest swing at it to see how far I could kick it. It was frozen solid. I broke my foot. FML

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8383

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2009 19:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a terrible stomach bug. I quickly jumped off the toilet and crouched over the bowl. I vomited with such force that I splashed the shitty water back into my face. FML

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48639

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By fuck you right back, cockspit - 14/2/2014 21:23 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the creepy guy I turned down for a date almost six years ago, sent me a box of rotting flowers with a note calling me a cunt. FML

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48542

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By The Bearded Woman - 29/5/2012 04:06 - Canada - Kelowna

Today, I had to teach my younger brother to shave with a regular disposable razor because our dad uses an electric one and I'm the only other person in the family with enough facial hair to know how to use a razor. I probably would have been proud if I wasn't a girl. FML

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By aziraphaleelle - 18/3/2014 08:10 - United States - San Jose

Today, I had to wave my arms like a maniac as I sat on the toilet at work, otherwise the faulty motion sensor/timer would turn the lights off after about ten seconds. I've had to do this for several days now. No one else has reported this problem, so management won't get it fixed. FML

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38043

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2011 06:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to use glow-in-the-dark body paint to make an arrow on his stomach pointing down. I guess he thought he'd "spice up" the way he always demands a blow job before sex. FML

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31868

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By Sarraahh - 19/4/2020 05:00 - Canada

Mystery

Today, my 65-year-old grandmother called and asked me to tell my boyfriend that she was flattered, but she's happily married. I have no idea what she was talking about and my boyfriend refuses to talk to me. FML

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1878

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By blaahh - 19/2/2011 01:35 - United States

Today, I was asked out by a guy I've liked since the beginning of the year. All I could say was, "I have to pee", and ran into the men's bathroom. FML

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31346

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2010 00:36 - Australia

Today, I found out my girlfriend only gets aroused after watching Jersey Shore and will only have sex immediately after an episode. I think the worst part is, I'll take what I can get. FML

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32004

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By ididntdoanythingaight - 2/8/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, I got engaged to my boyfriend of three years. I made the announcement on my status on facebook so people would congratulate me. The only response I got about my engagement was from a girl I knew saying; "Umm, he didn't tell you he was cheating on you for three years with me?" FML

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71012

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By Rick - 28/7/2011 10:51 - United States

Today, I got into an argument with a militantly feminist co-worker of mine. She threw several vulgar insults at me and debased the entire male gender before storming off. I'd only asked if she needed help while she was doing a crossword. FML

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34826

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By mydatinglifesucks - 15/6/2014 06:31 - United States

Today, I had a date with a man who works as a psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder during dinner. FML

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49714

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By foreveralone.jpg - 29/8/2012 20:51 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I listened to my roommate and her friend struggle with their math homework for an hour. It wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact that I'm a math major and repeatedly offered my help. They'd rather fail math than be around me. FML

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27335

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By dpl - 19/2/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, my mom found a condom in my pocket while doing my laundry. Instead of having the subsequent discussion about the birds and the bees my mother simply asked "Who would have sex with you?" FML

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55371

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By Suzi_d16 - 20/4/2020 23:00

Oh well, maybe next… year?

Today, I was supposed to get married. Unfortunately, it was cancelled because of the coronavirus. FML

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1753

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By hayleediaz - 16/7/2015 17:03 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boyfriend told me I looked nice in my profile picture. I began to reply "Aww, thank you!" until he sent another message saying "Mostly because your face isn't in it." FML

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25453

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2015 23:54 - Belgium - Gent

Today, I was verbally and physically attacked in a public pool, because I was swimming in what a grandma claimed was her part of the pool. Since I'm a very tolerant person, I calmly tried to talk some reason into the elderly lady. The lifeguard had to come to protect me. FML

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Top comments

By brodizzle | 0

#10808 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:29

what

By adelaide_evening | 0

#10817 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:37

I say it's an FML on that mans girlfriend for having to put up with the guy if anything

COMMENTS

By brodizzle | 0

#10808 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:29

what

Theatregeek788 | 0

#1006302 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 3:05

LMAO!! funny...but perverted

IIRoxieII | 12

#2583374 - Sunday 29 May 2011 15:38

my thoughts exactly

strokesie | 23

#3472242 - Saturday 22 October 2011 19:01

Of course.. From Ohio. XD

fluorescentadole_fml | 8

#3794384 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 16:22

the strokes!

By vmarsbars | 0

#10812 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:33

Um I agree with brodizzle -- what???

By buxtehude_fml | 0

#10814 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:34

yeah I seriously don't get why that is worthy of an fml?

trenton95 | 4

#986123 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 2:38

ice submitted like 50 FML's and not one of them has been submitted and this chick comes along with the stupidest fml ever an nails it wow

By adelaide_evening | 0

#10817 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:37

I say it's an FML on that mans girlfriend for having to put up with the guy if anything

By onlyhuman | 0

#10824 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:44

i don't get it... :/

By Melly_fml | 0

#10832 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:55

it's a fuck my life cuz she was totally disrespected at work
by someone's boyfriend
good grief why would she put up with him?

By BeautyAndBrains | 0

#10847 - Monday 2 March 2009 10:13

ICK! What an asshole. I also feel really bad fo that guy's girlfriend, because she has to put up with him.

By Touch_fml | 0

#10850 - Monday 2 March 2009 10:33

They must be very nice for him to be looking while with his girlfriend you should take it as a compliment. Just my opinion :D

taylortot973 | 0

#1382580 - Friday 10 September 2010 13:36

sooo many things wrong with that comment…

By LLovey | 0

#10851 - Monday 2 March 2009 10:34

I'd probably be a little insulted and disgusted at the guy but it's sort of his compliment?
I'd also find it amusing.

By extreme_flyboy | 0

#10853 - Monday 2 March 2009 10:46

Must have been realy cold in the bank for you nipple stand to be so big that it looks like a corkscrew :) i dont think he was hitting on her, just making fun of her. So i guess that might be a VERY minor fml...

happypenguin7293 | 0

#1956945 - Wednesday 12 January 2011 4:35

thank you for explaining the comment that fml made no sense to me before. but y did it matter she works in a bank?