Today, a cockroach flew towards me, and out of panic I dropped... - FML

By Bobby The Baker - 3/4/2019 16:00

Today, a cockroach flew towards me, and out of panic I dropped my car keys in the sewer. Not only did I lose my keys, but the cake I made for a client is stuck inside the car. It's for a wedding, and they're arriving in the reception area in a few minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1946

You deserved it

403

Tweet

Share

Understandable

Dangling modifier

Serious times

By tired - 16/1/2013 19:02 - United States - Boston

Today, I walked up sixteen flights of stairs to my room to avoid the lift lines. When I was almost to the top, the fire alarm sounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34462

You deserved it

3772

Tweet

Share

By single pringle - 5/11/2014 01:16 - United States - Morristown

Today, my boyfriend came home from college for the first time in weeks just to visit me. I was so excited that I spent two hours getting ready. Turns out he was only coming back to dump me. Now I'm single and out of foundation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41796

You deserved it

4401

Tweet

Share

By wannadi - 3/3/2013 09:29 - United States - Camden

Today, I was told by co-workers with whom I have worked for 2 years that I tan too much and dye my hair black too often. I'm from the Middle East and have never tanned nor dyed my hair. My co-workers think I'm a wannabe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40527

You deserved it

2815

Tweet

Share

By dtack2tack - 9/7/2015 13:42 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend cheated on me with his boss so he could get a promotion and "provide" for us. This from the guy who made me quit my job because he said he made enough money to support us both. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28578

You deserved it

3789

Tweet

Share

By Laughluv - 2/1/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, I realized that I have been playing a little too much Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I realized this when I was watching a youtube video and there was someone walking in the background who I impulsively tried to gun down and kill by moving my mouse over him and clicking repeatedly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7777

You deserved it

36720

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/6/2011 20:55 - United States

Today, I found out that I was one point away from passing a state science exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37541

You deserved it

11409

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/9/2012 22:59 - Australia - Redland Bay

Today, my grandpa was visiting. My neighbors started blasting out rap music, as they've done nearly 24/7 for months, telling me to fuck off when I complain. He went over and screamed he'd gut them like fish if they didn't pipe down. They did. He's 68 and still more intimidating than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25458

You deserved it

4990

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 15:40 - United States

Today, I finally felt the effects of a laxative that I took last night. This morning, when I was in the dentist's chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27392

You deserved it

6878

Tweet

Share

By melissa - 10/2/2009 23:41 - United States

Today, my sister teased me about being a mistake baby. When I told my mom what my sister said, her response was "I still love you anyway". FML

I agree, your life sucks

40407

You deserved it

3741

Tweet

Share

By TheoBuckner - 21/1/2010 03:31 - United States

Today, I found out that I was being laid off via an email that wasn't even spell checked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29826

You deserved it

2276

Tweet

Share

By Alexa23 - 15/3/2009 15:47 - United States

Today, I got out of the shower and my 3 year old sister comes into the bathroom and says "I want big boobies like yours when I grow up." And from the other room I hear my dad go "Sweetie, you've already got bigger boobs than your sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks

130943

You deserved it

8865

Tweet

Share

By Snow - 26/12/2009 21:45 - United States

Today, my mother informed me that I am not allowed to drive in snow. I live in Minnesota. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30233

You deserved it

2935

Tweet

Share

By ice cream dude - 10/8/2012 13:58 - United States - Denver

Today, I finished my first two weeks as an ice cream truck driver. Now I can't get that annoying ice cream truck music out of my head. It's even in my dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26887

You deserved it

4312

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 14/10/2016 03:46 - United States - Manchester

Today, I was babysitting, and the family dog was unable to move, so I had texted the mother about it. We put the small dog on the couch to make it comfortable while the mother was on her way to get the dog and take it to the vet. Turns out, we sat with a dead dog for about ten minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11727

You deserved it

1263

Tweet

Share

By TheDeathguard - 20/7/2017 20:05

Today, a couple yelled at me and reported me to the homeowner association for "watching them make out" at the pool. I'm the lifeguard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5556

You deserved it

272

Tweet

Share

By - 30/12/2009 20:30 - France

Today, when I saw a big box that looked like a playstation, I got really excited and my parents were there and everything looked like it really was something big, so I start to open the wrapper and surprise... it was a lamp. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23856

You deserved it

6930

Tweet

Share

By Telinaa - 8/11/2010 02:25 - Australia

Today, I was holding on to a shirt that I planned on buying, when an elderly man bumped into me. The shirt fell out of my hand, and slid just out the door. I went to the counter to explain what happened. Everyone accused me of trying to steal it anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27004

You deserved it

3020

Tweet

Share

By pledonasm - 15/3/2015 16:11 - India - Thane

Today, I took my son to the playground and watched him have fun. Minutes later, I was being shoved around and called a pedophile because I was there alone with no wife. By the time I convinced them I was innocent, my son was bawling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42474

You deserved it

2244

Tweet

Share

By paula123 - 18/12/2009 13:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my ex-husband just had a baby with his new partner. We only split up a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38146

You deserved it

2381

Tweet

Share

By Ouch - 14/11/2018 05:00

Today, I tried to break up a fight between two of my coworkers. They decided to show their gratitude by smashing me in the face with a thick ceramic dish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2566

You deserved it

304

Tweet

Share

By Yes - 24/11/2009 16:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me to come over because we "needed to talk." Going down the stairs, I tripped and fell. I woke up from unconsciousness with a hurting leg and my boyfriend standing over me. Just as I was about to smile and ask for a kiss, he said, "Maybe we should take a break" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34368

You deserved it

3348

Tweet

Share

By oh no - 22/6/2015 20:58 - United States - Vallejo

Today, I went to my girlfriend's parents' house for lunch. I ended up in the bathroom constipated and remembered reading it's easier to "go" if you are squatting. My girlfriend's dad walked in on me perched on the toilet like an owl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27348

You deserved it

5226

Tweet

Share

By hatemyjob - 23/4/2013 18:25 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I answered a call at work from a very irate gentleman. After being shouted and sworn at profusely, I ended the call in a slightly less than civil manner. Turns out that guy is one of our company's biggest clients. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31017

You deserved it

43597

Tweet

Share

By abbacjt - 16/1/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, I sent my sister a text about how fat I was becoming and looking as disgusting as my ex husband. When I checked to see if she had received it I saw that I had accidentally sent it to my ex father in law. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7737

You deserved it

26547

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/10/2010 21:27 - Canada

Today, I went shopping with a friend. She picked up a hundred dollars on the floor that somebody dropped. I told her, "I feel sorry for the retard who dropped the money." When I got home, I checked my purse and realized that I was missing a hundred dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11580

You deserved it

42872

Tweet

Share

By iamamermaid - 20/1/2015 06:14 - United States - Hemet

Today, I decided to use an at-home waxing kit for the first time to get rid of the hair on my upper lip. After experiencing the trauma of waxing, I fell asleep. A few hours later, I woke up to see that I now have acne everywhere I had waxed. I have an acne mustache. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31932

You deserved it

4759

Tweet

Share

By snowmon06 - 10/7/2016 04:13

Today, a girl on my Snapchat list posted a story asking for anybody who was awake to talk to her. Me being awake, I took her up on the request. Her response? "Sorry I didn't mean you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

13992

You deserved it

1623

Tweet

Share

By evecamp - 10/2/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 11 months told me that she's been faking her orgasms the whole time. Just to make me "proud" of myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21934

You deserved it

5872

Tweet

Share

By JOTA - 7/10/2020 04:02 - New Zealand

Jonah begs to differ

Today, my girlfriend told me she was worried about being eaten by a whale while out kayaking on our holiday tour. I told her that she was way larger than whale food, and that it wouldn’t be interested in her. Now she is accusing me of trying to tell her "nicely" that she's fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1030

You deserved it

300

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/1/2012 05:12 - United States

Today, I waited on an elderly man whose wife had just left him. After him going on and on about how his dog will love his leftover chicken, I nervously caught a case of verbal diarrhea and uttered, "Well, if there's chicken involved, I'll get on my knees and be your dog." FML

I agree, your life sucks

11336

You deserved it

35736

Tweet

Share

By bitten - 15/5/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, I got bitten by my aunt's dog. My brother was holding the leash. He said he didn't pull the dog away from me because he didn't want to rip my shirt. Meanwhile, the dog was biting a penny-sized chunk out of my hip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28963

You deserved it

2737

Tweet

Share

By spiderwoman - 15/4/2011 11:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a spider crawling across a poster in my bedroom, so I smacked the spot below it to scare the spider into climbing back up the wall. Instead, because the poster wasn't completely flat to the wall, I catapulted the spider straight into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20241

You deserved it

32080

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/1/2012 19:22 - United States

Today, as I was driving in reverse, I hit my boyfriend's mom's car. I met her for the first time while giving her my information. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30862

You deserved it

7865

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/2/2017 13:00 - United States - Houston

Today, my wedding ring came off in a Walmart bathroom and fell into the toilet. It was an automatic toilet. It flushed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7745

You deserved it

808

Tweet

Share

By stinky breath - 15/7/2014 21:24 - United States - Whittier

Today, I taught my 23-year-old boyfriend how to correctly brush his teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43546

You deserved it

6563

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/5/2018 07:00 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my twin sons have decided to forego the toilet, and instead poop in random places around the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3628

You deserved it

400

Tweet

Share

By dmanrique - 4/10/2011 15:10 - United States

Today, my friend decided to jump out of a moving car. I had to explain to the nice old lady who stopped that my friend who was convulsing on the ground wasn't on drugs, he's just really stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30350

You deserved it

3189

Tweet

Share

By baconistasty27 - 1/8/2014 05:33 - United States - San Diego

Today, I spent my afternoon rummaging through old jeans and other pants, due to being broke and needing cash for ramen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40181

You deserved it

5111

Tweet

Share

By bellaskyeb - 8/1/2012 17:42 - United States

Today, I had to bail my drunk husband out of jail after he and his best friend tried to steal a police horse from an officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32163

You deserved it

4219

Tweet

Share

By maniac11 - 11/10/2012 00:58 - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. I really had to use the bathroom, but decided to wait. After about an hour, I went to the restroom. I pissed for so long that when I walked out her family all started clapping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31406

You deserved it

6545

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By tounces7 | 27

#7789256 - Wednesday 3 April 2019 17:50

If you panic that easily perhaps you should consider a career where people depend on you for important things less.

By melisssa87 | 30

#7789231 - Wednesday 3 April 2019 16:43

Maybe it saw your penis sticking out and thought it was food or a friend or something, so tuck it in!

COMMENTS

By melisssa87 | 30

#7789231 - Wednesday 3 April 2019 16:43

Maybe it saw your penis sticking out and thought it was food or a friend or something, so tuck it in!

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#7789246 - Wednesday 3 April 2019 17:18

After all, it wasn’t just a roach. It was a cockroach. Hopefully, there aren’t any dickbears in the area.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7789244 - Wednesday 3 April 2019 17:15

I thought the penis story was outlandish, but this one really takes the cake!

By Ålphå | 6

#7789249 - Wednesday 3 April 2019 17:29

You're a pussy for being scared of a bug

By tounces7 | 27

#7789256 - Wednesday 3 April 2019 17:50

If you panic that easily perhaps you should consider a career where people depend on you for important things less.

By Chris Cowperthwait | 4

#7789300 - Wednesday 3 April 2019 20:06

a rock or brick will open up the windows pretty quickly

By WeirdUS | 29

#7789305 - Wednesday 3 April 2019 20:17

So risking a bad review for the business for a wedding because of a cockroach? Not like your car is surrounded by wasps or bees. Seriously grow up.

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7789390 - Wednesday 3 April 2019 23:31

Call your assistant to come over, if it is your car, windows can be replaced.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7789427 - Thursday 4 April 2019 3:26

Pennywise has your keys now. Hope you decided to break a window over losing your customer's business.

By MitiMiki | 16

#7790176 - Saturday 6 April 2019 0:54

Break the window...surely your businesses reputation is worth a couple hundred bucks for some new glass.