Today, a cockroach flew towards me, and out of panic I dropped... - FML

By Bobby The Baker - 3/4/2019 16:00

Today, a cockroach flew towards me, and out of panic I dropped my car keys in the sewer. Not only did I lose my keys, but the cake I made for a client is stuck inside the car. It's for a wedding, and they're arriving in the reception area in a few minutes. FML

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Great boyfriend

Assumptions

Rich people problems

By Anonymous - 13/11/2014 22:20 - United States

Today, while bringing boxes up from the basement, I noticed a few spider egg sacs had stuck to my shirt. As I desperately tried to remove them, they hatched. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2014 10:01 - United Kingdom - Great Malvern

Today, I watched my brother attempt to cook some eggs without turning the gas on. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2016 05:06 - United States - Miami

Today, at work, man who was buying medicine for his son came up to me for help. He didn't know how to explain it to me, so instead he showed me a picture of a rash on his kid's butthole. FML

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By Biological - 11/2/2010 12:22 - United States

Today, I found out that I was not adopted and in fact my parents are my biological parents. How did I find out? Over dinner. How long have I been believing I was adopted? 22 years. Why did I start believing I was adopted? My siblings thought it would be a funny joke. My mom played along. FML

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By Iahim - 25/1/2020 14:00

The truth

Today, I tried to prank my girlfriend, I said “I saw you kissing another guy!” She apologized! ...FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2010 04:06 - United States

Today, I found out that my current girlfriend has dated all of my friends at one time or another. FML

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By underemployed - 8/12/2010 05:17 - United States

Today, I found out my no-work-experience brother has just accepted a 50k/year job. He is still in school and has never had a job. I work as an intern for 11 hours a day, get rude emails from my boss, and have 3 degrees and 5 years work experience. FML

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By O - 24/2/2015 10:19 - Sweden

Today, my boss called me, furious about how I "never answer my phone", especially when important clients are trying to reach me, and how unprofessional I am. I make very sure to never miss any calls, my boss just keeps giving out the wrong number to people. FML

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By kicking me while I'm LITERALLY down - 7/11/2017 05:00

Today, I was hit by a car while riding my bike, so I called my dad for help. He blamed me for the accident, said he wasn't sure what I wanted him to do, and suggested I call my mom instead. She isn't picking up. FML

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By Achoo - 15/10/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I was making out with a guy I really like. Midway through, he stopped and said he had to sneeze. After waiting several seconds, he said the urge went away and we kept making out. Ten seconds later, he violently sneezed in my open mouth. FML

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By - 9/6/2019 05:56

Catfished!

Today, I found out my husband has been "cheating" on me with some girl from Russia that he has to pay for regularly. This explains why he never has any money, he's actually dumb enough to be scammed. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2009 05:17 - Malaysia

Today, we ran out of milk and my 4 year old son came up to me and asked if he can "milk" my wife's breasts for his cereals. Apparently, he thinks my wife doesn't love him and his sister is selfish for not sharing her milk. His sister is only one month old. FML

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By Misky - 2/7/2012 02:51

Today, I was walking past a homeless guy while smoking; he asked if he could have a cigarette. So I gave him one and said without thinking, "Sorry, it’s a menthol, but beggars can't be choosers." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2016 10:50 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was at a very important meeting with a client and I had to use the bathroom. I was so nervous that I squirted white soap all up my suit jacket. My client walked in and commented on my "jizzy" blazer. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2013 22:29 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, it was my wedding day. My new husband and I, for a laugh, did our first dance to LMFAO's "I'm sexy and I know it" with stupid moves and everything. 200 guests. Nobody laughed. FML

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By pinkfreak94 - 13/10/2012 13:38 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I kissed a boy for the first time in over a year. It was at drama club practice, and he quickly ended up asking the director if we could remove that scene from the play. FML

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By allbrokeup - 1/12/2012 23:54 - Norway - Stavanger

Today, while I was removing my makeup with my boyfriend watching, he mentioned that he used to think girls were prettier without makeup on, but he'd now changed his mind. FML

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By mirrorfad - 29/1/2010 05:49 - France

Today, my mum got upset with me for getting my first hangover ever after being of legal drinking age for over 6 years. She is a closet alcoholic in denial who hides red wine bottles around the house. FML

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By ... - 7/2/2014 20:30 - United States - Glen Carbon

Today, I told my professor that I'll be missing class next week due to upcoming surgery. I asked if I could take the exam that I'd otherwise miss another day. He said no, and that I'd just have to take a failing grade, then wished me luck with the surgery. FML

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By EmBAREassed - 31/7/2009 13:43 - United States

Today, I was walking around Walmart feeling pretty good about myself as I received numerous looks from guys in passing. All of a sudden a man approached me to tell me that my dress was extremely see-through. And, since I was wearing a thong, he and everyone else could totally see my ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2015 09:46 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I returned a rental car and almost got charged extra for the "funky and rotten" smell in the car. I blamed it on a sausage roll, not having the heart to tell the woman it was my fart from a minute before. FML

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By Jess49 - 3/12/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, after telling my boyfriend I was willing to try just about anything to revive our sex life, he confessed to having a swirly fetish. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2019 00:01

Today, I saw my boss, so I mentioned to him, "Oh, I quit." He then interrupted, saying, "Great, I was going to fire you this week anyway." I wanted to tell him I quit smoking. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2012 00:25 - United States - Newark

Today, it's my birthday. All I wanted was birthday sex, but all my boyfriend could talk about was how great the new purse he got me was. I think he might like it more than me. FML

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By kysier - 1/3/2015 23:36 - United States - Campbellsville

Today, I was turned down from the dream job that I was promised two years ago, once my chemo and radiation therapy was finished. His excuse? He never actually expected me to survive. FML

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By Farmgirl - 4/10/2017 01:30

Today, during harvest, I got out of my tractor and promptly fell down the stairs, peed my pants, and stepped ankle deep in a mud hole. I sat in wet pants for the next two hours. FML

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By Stuck - 8/9/2011 10:00 - United States

Today, I heard on a TV show that it's possible to fit a standard light-bulb in your mouth, but it can't be removed afterwards. I just had to try this out. And then visit the local hospital to get it removed. FML

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By moonstone15 - 6/8/2011 00:24 - United States

Today, I took my new boyfriend to a family dinner. Despite having made everyone agree to be on their best behavior, my grandma spewed obscenities such as "fuck me sideways, aren't you a catch?" and "you just can't pull ass like that at my age" throughout. FML

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By fashionVictim - 8/3/2009 20:35 - United States

Today, a guy informed me that the cute, really tiny little leather bracelet with little silver hearts and several snaps that I'd found in a head shop is actually a cock ring. I'm a girl. FML

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By PsychoBoulevard - 13/3/2017 08:00 - United States - Tollhouse

Put the eggs in one basket!

Today, as well as for the past week, my cat finds immeasurable joy in knocking eggs of the counter and staring at me as I clean the mess. FML

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By jezebel - 17/3/2011 14:43 - United States

Today, I got a call from the office telling me I was fired. When I asked why, my boss explained my mother called and told him I was in a "weak mental state." She thought she was helping me get off for my birthday. Now I have no job. FML

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By ugly - 15/4/2011 06:43 - Australia

Today, I was at the hairdressers getting a trim. The lady doing my hair commented on how beautiful and luscious my hair was, which made me feel really good. I later overheard her telling her colleague that hair as nice as mine was wasted on someone with a face like mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2013 04:40 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, after I explained to my waitress that I have an allergy to butter, she nonetheless put some on my baked potato. When I had her get me another, without butter, she came back with one and then asked if I would like butter with it. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2020 08:00

Wrong enemy

Today, my girlfriend slapped a waxing strip on my beard because she is sick of quarantine and wanted to lash out at someone. FML

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By Puggle1019 - 17/7/2018 20:30

Today, my brother gave me a massive rope burn. He got a 30-second talk with our mother. I got an allergic reaction to the lotion used to ease the pain. My mother said I was overreacting. FML

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By I have wood - 16/9/2013 21:11 - United States - Stephenville

Today, my room mate told all of our mutual friends that he had walked in on me doing woodwork in my room. They all thought he meant he had caught me rubbing one out. I'm actually building a guitar. FML

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By Phill1188 - 16/9/2018 03:30

Today, I got locked in an old woman's garage for an hour when she forgot I was looking at the car for sale. When I got home, I told my mom and jokingly said, "First time I have been kidnapped!" Without hesitation she said, "Well, that makes it the 3rd time." I had no idea. FML

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By grossew - 26/6/2019 07:00

Today, my farm dog and I are spending the weekend in an urban area. She won't poop on concrete, so I directed her to a nice two-foot tall grassy median. As she vaulted up onto the median, two turds shot out of her ass and plopped right on my foot. FML

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By dollarstorepwnr - 19/3/2011 05:37 - Canada

Today, my dad cussed out an individual on the phone because he thought it was a telemarketer. He was my Indian girlfriend's father. FML

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By "Lisa" - 11/12/2018 04:00 - Romania

Today, I made out with a handsome man in the restroom at a party. There was a knock on the door, interrupting us. It was his girlfriend. FML

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Top comments

By tounces7 | 26

#7789256 - Wednesday 3 April 2019 17:50

If you panic that easily perhaps you should consider a career where people depend on you for important things less.

By melisssa87 | 30

#7789231 - Wednesday 3 April 2019 16:43

Maybe it saw your penis sticking out and thought it was food or a friend or something, so tuck it in!

Comments

By melisssa87 | 30

#7789231 - Wednesday 3 April 2019 16:43

Maybe it saw your penis sticking out and thought it was food or a friend or something, so tuck it in!

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#7789246 - Wednesday 3 April 2019 17:18

After all, it wasn’t just a roach. It was a cockroach. Hopefully, there aren’t any dickbears in the area.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7789244 - Wednesday 3 April 2019 17:15

I thought the penis story was outlandish, but this one really takes the cake!

By Ålphå | 6

#7789249 - Wednesday 3 April 2019 17:29

You're a pussy for being scared of a bug

By tounces7 | 26

#7789256 - Wednesday 3 April 2019 17:50

If you panic that easily perhaps you should consider a career where people depend on you for important things less.

By Chris Cowperthwait | 4

#7789300 - Wednesday 3 April 2019 20:06

a rock or brick will open up the windows pretty quickly

By WeirdUS | 29

#7789305 - Wednesday 3 April 2019 20:17

So risking a bad review for the business for a wedding because of a cockroach? Not like your car is surrounded by wasps or bees. Seriously grow up.

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7789390 - Wednesday 3 April 2019 23:31

Call your assistant to come over, if it is your car, windows can be replaced.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7789427 - Thursday 4 April 2019 3:26

Pennywise has your keys now. Hope you decided to break a window over losing your customer's business.

By MitiMiki | 16

#7790176 - Saturday 6 April 2019 0:54

Break the window...surely your businesses reputation is worth a couple hundred bucks for some new glass.