This Month&#039;s Funniest FML&#039;s - As Voted by Our Users !

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516

Today, my little twelve year-old cousin who is staying with us for a while so his parents can "work out issues" ran into my room, his face ghostly white. He begged me to take him to the hospital because he "tugged" on his penis too much in the shower, and was "bleeding milky stuff." Sigh. FML

2 - Inform, educate and entertain.

By concernedcousin - 5/10/2019 12:00

Onan would be proud

2316

134

Today, my batshit crazy downstairs neighbor threatened me with "legal action" for making too much noise. According to her, it’s "illegal" for people in upstairs apartments to use vacuum cleaners, therefore I must sweep my carpets to avoid disturbing her and her imaginary guests. FML

3 - Living in the middle of nowhere seems like the best option sometimes.

By loud sweeper - 7/10/2019 06:00

Mrs Heckles?

1982

120

Today, I walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room of our restaurant. I pretended I didn't see him and quickly closed the door. About five minutes later, he came out, cupped my face in his hands and told me I was getting promoted. I'm happy, but scarred for life. FML

4 - A very "hands-on" boss.

By Worst Way To Get Promoted - 25/9/2019 16:00

Promoted!

1851

131

Today, I was going into a store and saw a woman roughly handling a screaming toddler. I kept walking, until I heard the kid scream, "Help! You’re not my mommy!” I called 911 and stood behind the car to keep her from taking off. The cops arrived to see me fending off blows from a very pissed off grandma. FML

5 - A parking lot mix up, and a lot of assuming people are wrong-doing.

By tried to help - 7/10/2019 00:01

Stranger Danger!

1821

502

Today, I overheard my wife and teenage daughter arguing. My wife was complaining that our daughter is unappreciative. "You should thank me for giving you life," she said. My daughter snapped, "I thank God for that, not you." My wife sighed and said, "He didn't have to sleep with your father." FML

6 - Mom has the best one-liners.

By Anonymous - 30/9/2019 02:00

Zing!

1800

187

Today, I'm in hospital because of my brother. He followed me and my boyfriend around a fair yesterday dressed as a gorilla, and whenever we showed some sort of affection towards one another, he rugby tackled me. The final tackle caused me to break my wrist. FML

7 - This should be in some sort of sketch show on TV.

By I Hate My Brother - 9/10/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Brotherly love

1805

168

Today, I was in the mood for morning sex, but my wife told me to go wank it off in the bathroom. Three minutes later I was mid-wank when she started banging on the door because I was taking too long, and she needed to pee. FML

8 - Love is… Knowing when to let someone wank in peace.

By Anonymous - 24/9/2019 22:00

Can't win

1918

306

Today, I had a bad and very unenthusiastic one night stand and tried to quietly order an Uber while she was getting dressed. Turns out, she's an Uber driver and being as she was in the area, the alert came over her phone. She was furious. FML

9 - When all electronics should be turned off or logged out. Sex is off the clock!

By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 18:00

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

1661

815

Today, I was wearing a cute black dungaree dress with a purple top underneath. I thought I looked pretty good, until my son told me I looked like an evil Minion. FML

10 - Fashion is so COMPLICATED.

By Blue_belle - 19/10/2019 04:00

Observational Comedy 101

1254

277

Today, my dad told me that I was conceived while he and my mother were high on LSD. He then stared into the distance, mumbled "Probably explains a few things" and chuckled to himself. FML

That's it for now, see you next time!

By Alan / Thursday 24 October 2019 10:11 /

Everyone's an expert

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

A beautiful truck decoration

By Alex - 20/6/2014 22:05 - United Kingdom - Greenford

46315

4134

Today, I woke up to find out that the two front tires on our van were flat. Now we won't have a vehicle all week since the tire shop is booked solid. We just went through this with the rear tires two weeks ago. FML

By no spare - 19/12/2016 19:22 - United States - Marquette

6031

715

Today, I was supposed to talk to my girlfriend's mom to ask permission to date her daughter but I chickened out. We've been together for almost a year, but have not been on a real date because I am too damn scared of her family. FML

By imafrickenidiot - 8/3/2010 08:33 - France

10911

45959

Today, I stopped at a red light. I noticed the car in front of me had the reverse lights on. I thought to myself "Meh, that person must know. They wouldn't do that." The light turned green. Turns out they didn't. Nor did they have insurance. FML

By jezusflowers - 7/5/2009 02:26 - United States

53747

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Today, my boss fired me because I look like her ex-boyfriend. FML

By moe472 - 24/1/2012 02:47 - United States

32719

2472

Today, I had to admit that I hate the wedding dress that I've designed. My wedding is in a week. FML

By al - 15/4/2012 03:02 - Canada - Cambridge

10030

30441

Today, after months of job hunting, I finally got a phone call. They were impressed with me. That's when my son decided to throw a tantrum asking for food. After some silence, the caller told me they were looking for someone who wasn't juggling little kids at home and hung up. My son is 20. FML

By Stressed Mother - 18/3/2015 21:26 - United States - Piscataway

37849

5930

Today, I received my package. I ordered a vibrator, I was so excited to use it, but when I was finally ready to use it, I found out that it broke during the delivery. FML

By Anonymous - 5/12/2019 20:00

Broken vibrator

1971

240

Today, after being filled with joy after seeing my very elderly cat finally enjoying the sun in my garden, I skipped over to give her a hug. Turns out she was taking a shit. FML

By Ew. - 9/4/2012 15:22 - United Kingdom

21787

9184

Today, my cat went into labor. This is surprising since 6 years ago, we paid to have her spayed. FML

By Anonymous - 23/11/2012 01:34 - United States - Springville

28544

2049

Today, my husband decided that if he's not hungry, then I'm not allowed to make myself any food. FML

By Anonymous - 20/6/2014 23:53 - Canada - Surrey

48783

5796

Today, my body is so messed up that I pulled a muscle in my side while farting. FML

By AnonThoughts - 24/10/2019 06:00

Fighting fit

1339

264

Today, I was meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time. She warned me they were a little weird. Right when we walked in the door, her parents were there to greet us...in the nude. Apparently this constitutes as a LITTLE weird. They both hugged me. FML

By KeptMyHandsUp - 17/8/2017 17:15 - United States

4013

300

Today, after spending the day at work avoiding all hard manual tasks that may harm me, I had a table dropped on my foot. I broke my toe, split my nail and had to get a tetanus shot. I was avoiding injury as I was supposed to be performing in a figure skating exhibition this evening. FML

By ice_dancer_jake - 20/6/2019 02:28

1766

175

Today, I was going to set up my air conditioner in the window. As I opened up the window, I must have disturbed a wasp nest, because a dozen wasps flew in and several of them stung me. The rest are now somewhere in my house with my terrified girlfriend. FML

By Anonymous - 26/6/2013 17:51 - United States - State College

45794

4076

Today, 3 weeks after my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, she admitted it was a lie. Turned out it was just a test to see if I'd break up with her or not. I didn't, but I did just break the bank buying all the things we'd need for an actual kid. FML

By dumped and dusted - 13/7/2016 17:35 - United States

18124

1930

Today, it was my first day going to work with new hours where I'm in the office alone for an hour. I managed to lock myself out without my jacket, my phone, and my keys. It was raining. FML

By Veronica Rambo - 24/10/2018 17:30

2325

670

Today, I found out my girlfriend of 3 years has been cheating on me. When I explained the situation to the "other guy", he exclaimed that I was lying because I was jealous and trying to ruin his relationship. He punched me in the face. FML

By king400 - 25/11/2012 08:09 - United States - Lancaster

31877

2938

Today, I woke up with a pimple on my eyelid. Not only is it impossible to cover up with makeup, I can't pop it either. Now I'll be spending the rest of the day trying not to blink. FML

By CantBlink - 16/7/2012 18:25 - United States - Jersey City

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Today, I was at my boyfriend's house and badly needed to pee. Just as I was about to say I had to go to the bathroom, my boyfriend suddenly put his hands around my stomach and picked me up. He hit just the right spot, causing me to empty my bladder then and there. FML

By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 19:03 - United States

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Today, the little boy I nanny for finally stood up and went 'pee-pee on the potty'. I started cheering and clapping, making a big deal out of it. I flushed while he smiled proudly and pooped on the floor. FML

By Anonymous - 11/1/2010 18:08 - United States

30923

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Today, I realized I get more pleasure watching YouTube videos of people lighting their farts on fire than I do from making love to my husband. FML

By wellfuck - 2/5/2015 14:23 - United States - Lexington

30106

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Today, I took the kids I'm babysitting to the farm to feed the animals. They were a little scared of the llama, so I showed them how nice it was by feeding it a lot of bread. Then, as I was telling the farmer how I loved the llama and wanted to take it home, it spit grass and bread all over my face. FML

By Anonymous - 29/8/2009 06:58 - United States

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10032

Today, my boyfriend drove to my house to break up with me. He only did so after I'd vacuumed the whole house to compensate for his cat allergies. I thought he was just coming to dinner. FML

By Ima in Hungary - 22/3/2012 12:06 - United States - Silsbee

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Today, I was called into my first day of work as a cashier. Not even 30 minutes into training, my boss had already "accidentally" touched my ass 7 times. FML

By Anonymous - 6/7/2012 02:13 - United States

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Today, after a year together, my boyfriend admitted to me that in bed I had as much an effect on him as a crossword puzzle. FML

By Mary - 21/11/2008 10:06 - France

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Today, I carpooled with my co-worker whose girlfriend has left him. The radio was playing the song "Jar of Hearts." He then began to sing intensely, and broke down crying. FML

By Anon - 14/11/2011 08:45 - United States

32064

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Today, my parents wouldn't let me go to the fair because they reckon my IQ is so low, I could quite possibly choke on cotton candy and pass out confused by the hall of mirrors. FML

By vsf - 2/8/2011 00:31 - United States

30905

6516

Today, my only day off this week, my cat decided that she wanted feeding at 5am and wouldn’t stop meowing till I filled up her bowl. She then refused to eat it. FML

By Chat - 4/3/2018 19:00

3828

702

Today, I made out with my friend for the first time. He gave me a hickey that can't be hidden. I'm the president of my church youth group and I have to help give a seminar on keeping your body like a holy temple... Tomorrow. FML

By hickey - 5/2/2010 10:35 - United States

11880

62136

Today, I was minding a 6-year old boy. He begged me to take him somewhere. I rang his Mum, and she said I could. He picked to go to McDonald's. He ordered chicken. After his meal, he told me he was vegetarian, and wanted to try some meat while his Mum wasn't around. I got the blame. FML

By NewlyChildaphobic - 17/11/2009 14:50 - Ireland

38527

4318

Today, I walked in on my mom taking nude pictures of herself in the kitchen, wearing just a Santa hat. FML

By - 20/12/2019 20:00

Christmas pictures

2640

275

Today, a customer's credit card was declined. His totally reasonable reaction was to threaten to put a bullet in the back of my head. FML

By retail can shart a cock - 9/1/2016 05:25 - United States

22714

1286

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. In Walmart. Over the loudspeaker. FML

By yeah - 25/10/2019 14:00 - United States

Nightmare

1747

165

Today, I am home sick with a sinus infection. I had to break up a fight between my two dogs over who got to chew on my snotty tissue. FML

By Alex - 9/2/2017 21:00 - United States - Richardson

5433

514

Today, when my boyfriend came to bed, I rolled over and watched as he used his pinky to clean out both nostrils, then eat it what he found. He’s almost 25. FML

By Anonymous - 17/7/2019 22:00

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261

Today, my older brother told me that no matter how fast you run at automatic sliding doors, they'll open in time. So I ran at a pair. They don't. FML

By kat9232000 - 19/6/2009 04:04 - Canada

17790

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Today, a friend admitted that the reason I got the nickname Axl is because I was an A cup with XL underwear. I guess I should be called Axxl now. FML

By Axlgrows - 2/12/2016 16:44

9301

1592

Today, at the pool, I tried to impress the hot lifeguard by doing the perfect dive. Afterward, I realized my shorts were floating through the water. FML

By Anonymous - 22/5/2010 00:19 - United States

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