This Month&#039;s Funniest FML&#039;s - As Voted by Our Users !

2660

526

Today, my little twelve year-old cousin who is staying with us for a while so his parents can "work out issues" ran into my room, his face ghostly white. He begged me to take him to the hospital because he "tugged" on his penis too much in the shower, and was "bleeding milky stuff." Sigh. FML

2 - Inform, educate and entertain.

By concernedcousin - 5/10/2019 12:00

Onan would be proud

2379

138

Today, my batshit crazy downstairs neighbor threatened me with "legal action" for making too much noise. According to her, it’s "illegal" for people in upstairs apartments to use vacuum cleaners, therefore I must sweep my carpets to avoid disturbing her and her imaginary guests. FML

3 - Living in the middle of nowhere seems like the best option sometimes.

By loud sweeper - 7/10/2019 06:00

Mrs Heckles?

2007

121

Today, I walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room of our restaurant. I pretended I didn't see him and quickly closed the door. About five minutes later, he came out, cupped my face in his hands and told me I was getting promoted. I'm happy, but scarred for life. FML

4 - A very "hands-on" boss.

By Worst Way To Get Promoted - 25/9/2019 16:00

Promoted!

1880

137

Today, I was going into a store and saw a woman roughly handling a screaming toddler. I kept walking, until I heard the kid scream, "Help! You’re not my mommy!” I called 911 and stood behind the car to keep her from taking off. The cops arrived to see me fending off blows from a very pissed off grandma. FML

5 - A parking lot mix up, and a lot of assuming people are wrong-doing.

By tried to help - 7/10/2019 00:01

Stranger Danger!

1845

513

Today, I overheard my wife and teenage daughter arguing. My wife was complaining that our daughter is unappreciative. "You should thank me for giving you life," she said. My daughter snapped, "I thank God for that, not you." My wife sighed and said, "He didn't have to sleep with your father." FML

6 - Mom has the best one-liners.

By Anonymous - 30/9/2019 02:00

Zing!

1814

192

Today, I'm in hospital because of my brother. He followed me and my boyfriend around a fair yesterday dressed as a gorilla, and whenever we showed some sort of affection towards one another, he rugby tackled me. The final tackle caused me to break my wrist. FML

7 - This should be in some sort of sketch show on TV.

By I Hate My Brother - 9/10/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Brotherly love

1827

171

Today, I was in the mood for morning sex, but my wife told me to go wank it off in the bathroom. Three minutes later I was mid-wank when she started banging on the door because I was taking too long, and she needed to pee. FML

8 - Love is… Knowing when to let someone wank in peace.

By Anonymous - 24/9/2019 22:00

Can't win

1965

315

Today, I had a bad and very unenthusiastic one night stand and tried to quietly order an Uber while she was getting dressed. Turns out, she's an Uber driver and being as she was in the area, the alert came over her phone. She was furious. FML

9 - When all electronics should be turned off or logged out. Sex is off the clock!

By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 18:00

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

1682

823

Today, I was wearing a cute black dungaree dress with a purple top underneath. I thought I looked pretty good, until my son told me I looked like an evil Minion. FML

10 - Fashion is so COMPLICATED.

By Blue_belle - 19/10/2019 04:00

Observational Comedy 101

1270

282

Today, I found out that my best friend's mom doesn't wear pyjamas when I got up to go get a glass of water in the middle of the night, at the same time she did. FML

That's it for now, see you next time!

By Alan / Thursday 24 October 2019 10:11 /

Doomed

Race against the clock

Inspirational tale

By Anonymous - 26/9/2010 05:45 - United States

27974

3385

Today, I was buying an expensive pillow for my mother from a store clerk who wouldn't stop staring at my boobs. After paying, I saw an elderly lady who had dropped a bag, so I walked to help. I walked back to the clerk, who refused to believe I paid. The reason? He didn't recognize my face. FML

By doubleds - 3/6/2009 19:39 - Canada

68890

5610

Today, someone flirted with me. They kept touching me, insisting we should go out sometime, and hounding me for my number. At a family-only memorial service. FML

By Anonymous - 20/12/2016 07:28

8680

518

Today, I was babysitting a new child. I guess she heard me tell her parents about my severe peanut allergy because she got a jar out of the pantry, spread it all over the stairs leading to where her fort was, and walked around with a baseball bat covered in it so I couldn't come near her. FML

By PeanutlyDisabled - 8/1/2010 07:23 - France

39125

3250

Today, my doctor told me to buy some KY Jelly and a dildo to help "loosen me up" so sex isn't so painful. I haven't been able to have sex for 6 months because it hurts so badly, and now my doctor has basically told me to go fuck myself. FML

By painfulintercourse - 22/11/2010 19:36 - Canada

39425

8335

Today, wanting to do something nice for my dad, I mowed the lawn. He grounded me for "emasculating" him. FML

By Anonymous - 1/6/2013 20:50 - United States

52865

4394

Today, I went to the campus health office because I had some VERY strong pains in my side. I thought my appendix was about to burst. I asked the receptionist for a doctor, but she said they were all out of the office until later, and kindly offered to make me an appointment for mid June. FML

By Atropos - 1/6/2019 00:00

1636

106

Today, my 3-year-old broke his glasses, clogged the toilet with Hot Wheel cars, and covered the whole house with Cheerios. All in a matter of roughly 6 minutes while I was putting laundry away. FML

By mommylife - 15/4/2015 04:17 - United States - Schaumburg

33689

3934

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I thought I'd be spontanous and spice things up, and gave her a spank across the butt. She started crying. FML

By jon - 31/8/2012 21:31 - Canada - Toronto

Consent

32565

17969

Today, I was reading a book, and my severe OCD makes it impossible for me to look up from reading if I haven't finished the page. This includes times like when my mother is frantically calling for help after falling off a ladder. FML

By Anonymous - 21/5/2019 22:08

1751

897

Today, I was washing my boobs in the shower when I caught my reflection in the mirror. I got super turned on at the sight of my large breasts all soaped up. I'm a man. FML

By Anonymous - 23/11/2015 14:19 - Australia - Applecross

26530

9829

Today, my dumbass cat sat on a lit candle. The whole house now smells like burnt hair and I now have to clip clumps of wax-burnt hair off his bum. FML

By Anonymous - 2/2/2017 19:00 - United States - Spearfish

7920

901

Today, my mom's intense fear of tornadoes caused her to break into the bathroom, drag me off the toilet while I was changing my tampon, and drag me to the basement with my pants around my ankles to join my father, brother, and my brother's best friend. FML

By m - 5/8/2012 00:44 - United States - South Whitley

38097

1988

Today, I went to pick up my wedding dress from the seamstress, only to find out that my fiancé called two weeks ago to say I wanted the dress "tie-dyed to match our new theme." She believed him. Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

By Anonymous - 1/7/2020 20:08

All weddings are themed

1777

207

Today, I went to the airport to pick up my long distance boyfriend. Having waited six months for this, I was stoked. After waiting for three hours and sending numerous messages, I was eventually informed I was a week early. FML

By Anonymous - 2/7/2012 15:45 - United Kingdom - London

24736

14215

Today, I was punched in the face for wearing a Ramones shirt. The guy who punched me said he was tired of people wearing the shirt without knowing who they were. I've been a Ramones fan my whole life and am the only person I know who has worn the shirt. FML

By WTFDude - 14/5/2019 10:00

1896

123

Today, my boyfriend wanted to have Valentine's Day sex. He then remembered it was unlimited pancakes at IHOP. FML

By DallasGal - 14/2/2012 16:31 - United States

23682

3813

Today, my ex-boyfriend's attempt to win me back involved standing at the bottom of my apartment building with two airhorns, blasting them and shouting. And for some reason, singing "Sweet Caroline", even though that's not my name. FML

By notsomuch - 1/8/2011 03:09 - United States

30664

3922

Today, I showed by ID to get into a bar and the bouncer kept it because he said it wasn't me. It was. Apparently I've gained so much weight I am unrecognizable. FML

By jcesom - 29/7/2009 05:53 - United States

41428

15887

Today, I was searched and questioned at the airport for having an apple. FML

By Anonymous - 27/11/2013 02:39 - United States - Bakersfield

42847

4761

Today, I learned that the excessive groin sweating I've been trying to deal with for weeks isn't groin sweating. It's a slow and steady stream of urine that I have no control over. FML

By lizzzie - 9/10/2009 21:25 - United Kingdom

52968

3752

Today, I overheard my mother and sister talking so I stopped to eavesdrop. I recently enlisted in the Marines, and they were talking about what they would do with the money if I died. FML

By Fitz - 5/5/2009 12:22 - United States

184394

14211

Today, my dad's face flushed when I introduced him to my new boyfriend. I live in a small town, and it turns out my dad recognized him. He's the secret child from an affair two decades ago. He's my half-brother. FML

By anonymous - 15/10/2017 01:30

6990

304

Today, I was taking a piss at a urinal when a fly started harassing me. I got so annoyed, I tried to swat it. Didn't go too well. I ended up losing control of my stream, soaking the guy beside me. He busted my face in. FML

By Anonypiss - 22/7/2015 16:21 - Canada - Pembroke

17601

26459

Today, one of my cats peed all over the back of my couch, so I put her outside for a while. When I let her in, she ran straight to the couch and peed on my laptop. This has been going on ever since I accidentally stepped on her tail, several months ago. FML

By UghCats - 6/2/2011 01:58 - United States

32689

12099

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, when the Taco Bell I'd eaten for lunch came back up for round two. Undigested rice and beans got stuck in his hair. FML

By Aphrodite - 23/1/2010 21:13 - France

29040

7689

Today, I was shopping for rings with my fiancée. We spent over 2 hours selecting the perfect ring and diamond to match. When filling out the paperwork I discovered I left my wallet at home. She had to pay the 20% down payment for the ring. FML

By BrokeInLove - 30/6/2009 19:55 - France

17170

51904

Today, I canceled going to a party with my sisters because I had a secret plan to have a threesome. They left for the party, but soon returned thinking it would be no fun without me. By then we were already making a lot of indecent noise. They heard it all. FML

By Sofi - 21/8/2018 06:00

2106

2796

Today, I was studying for a final when I noticed all I had was a blue highlighter. I decided to drive to the store to get a yellow one. On the way there, I got $200 worth of traffic tickets for not stopping at a stop sign. I basically spent $200 because I prefer yellow highlighters over blue. FML

By Noname - 12/3/2009 00:09 - United States

21479

109890

Today, I had to endure my girlfriend crying and screaming at me. The reason? I'm not able to please her like the fictional character Christian Grey in 50 Shades of Grey. When she left me, she took all her stuff and left me with copies of the 3 books. FML

By Anonymous - 20/8/2013 08:06 - United States - Gig Harbor

46303

4405

Today, at work, as a camp counselor, I was discussing how stupid the idea of santa is to a co-worker, and how every parent should tell the truth to their kids. The intercom microphone was on. I single handily told a group of 100 six year olds that santa was not real. FML

By Anonymous - 17/7/2009 00:14 - United States

16717

72449

Today, whilst my parents and I were out, my older brother thought it would be funny to play porn on my computer. At full volume. With my window wide open. Now my next-door neighbors tell their kids I'm a spawn of Satan, and the weird guy from across the street winks at me. FML

By Spawn_of_Satan - 27/3/2009 15:18 - Hong Kong

57995

7348

Today, my boyfriend came to visit from another state. My mom didn't want me to go to his hotel and I did. When she asked about it, I lied to her and said I didn't go, and she showed me a Pic of my car outside his hotel... FML

By - 20/11/2019 03:00

The vigil

901

2420

Today, my boyfriend and I were driving back to college. He broke up with me 2 hours into the 3 hour drive. I had to sit in the car with him for the last hour. FML

By 5220 - 21/4/2009 13:13 - United States

71676

4608

Today, I told my mom I was going to a New Year's party. She told me to be back by midnight. FML

By tooearly - 1/1/2012 08:31 - United States

39899

3355

Today, I was reading comments on an FML, and saw some made from my girlfriend's account. Now I know she's one of those people who say "Dump him!" even when the situation clearly doesn't warrant dumping. Looks like I might be in for a sudden breakup in the future. FML

By Anonymous - 13/11/2015 13:34

24503

2639

Today, I had my girlfriend drive me to go buy a motorcycle. I rode it 50 minutes home, got in the drive way, put the kick stand down, and then lost my balance and fell on the other side. I paid $3000 to drop it in the first hour and break the turn signal off. FML

By scottskidee - 12/4/2011 17:45 - United States

22413

24824

Today, I was working on a client's roof. Some neighborhood kids thought it would be hilarious if they knocked over my ladder. I was stuck on this roof in serious heat. I caught the attention of a pedestrian to come to my rescue. It was a little old lady. She gave me the finger and left. FML

By roofer - 31/7/2009 15:14 - United States

54404

2590

Today, my neighborhood had its annual summer barbecue, and I ended up showing a little boy who lives down the street how to hit a baseball. When I gave him back his bat so he could try for himself, he swung it into my shin and yelled, "Tag! You're it!" FML

By bcoper - 25/6/2012 16:09 - Switzerland - Luzern

25154

2614