The Top 11 Funniest Tweets Of The Week
11. We're not worthy.
I'm afraid to eat a honeycrisp apple because I'm afraid of getting hooked on a lifestyle I simply can't maintain.
— NosferatPru (@prufrockluvsong) October 16, 2018
10. Call the police!
Kid: Mom, look at all the candy wrappers in the trash can. Do you think someone broke in and ate the candy you bought for Halloween?
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) October 18, 2018
Me: Yes.
9. Too real.
Would like to see an edit of Mrs. Doubtfire where the first time Sally Field opens the door to Mrs. Doubtfire she takes one look and says “Daniel! What in the world?” Then the end credits roll.
— Martha Kelly (@MarthaKelly3) October 14, 2018
8. Sounds like an FML...
The preschoolers on this farm hayride are so adorable holding their tiny pumpkins and oh look someone’s kid just vomited in my lap.
— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) October 18, 2018
7. Every day.
You ever feel like adulthood is just one long to-do list with nothing crossed off?
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 19, 2018
6. * vomits *
I’d like for the final nail in American cheese’s coffin to be the fact that my father and brother used to take two slices of it, slather peanut butter between them and call that unholy union “a daddy sandwich,” you tell ME which part of that truth nugget is the most disturbing
— Dale (@DaleNeuringer) October 15, 2018
5. Help.
my body: WHAT DO WE WANT?
— keely flAHHHHHHHerty (@keelyflaherty) October 18, 2018
my brain: SLEEP!
my body: WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
my brain: AT EITHER 2PM OR 3AM
my body: hey wait—
my brain: LITERALLY NO OTHER TIME
my body: no that’s not—
my brain: WE ARE UNWILLING TO COMPROMISE
4. Still not getting out of the bed though.
Shazam but for strange noises in your house at night.
— Sofie Hagen (@SofieHagen) October 14, 2018
3. Truth.
Me: What do you want for a snack?
— "Bare Minimum Parenting" comes out in 16 days (@XplodingUnicorn) October 17, 2018
4-year-old: Spaghetti.
Me: That's not a snack.
4: It is if you just make a little bit.
2. For shame!
Didn’t bring a powerful enough DSLR camera to the pumpkin patch and now all the other parents are looking at me like I’m an unfit father.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 13, 2018
1. #goals
Meghan Markle is 37 and just found out she's carrying the baby of a prince.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) October 15, 2018
I'm 37 and just found an almond in my sports bra.
Guess we're both living the dream.
That's all for this week!
Do you have a favorite Twitter account that we should share the limelight with next week? If so, let us know in the comments!
