The Top 11 Funniest Tweets Of The Week

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Today, I Googled myself. I found my mugshot and a blog my mom had written about how much of a problem child I am. FML

By badgirl - 21/6/2011 21:41 - United States

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Today, as a prank, a friend and I tied a 10 dollar bill to a fishing line, and yanked it away from people as they reached for it. It was going really well until one of our victims pulled a knife and chased us around the block. FML

By Jackassed - 12/5/2011 17:53 - United States

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Today, I went to the doctor about my bruised runners toes. She was inexperienced when It came to athletic injuries, so she googled my condition. I just paid to have her tell me exactly what I had already just googled before I left for my appointment. FML

By Anonymous - 28/8/2009 13:30 - United States

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Today, it's been three weeks since I started using a hair-growth shampoo in the hopes of combating my balding. All it's done so far is make the hair I do have monstrously bushy, both upstairs and down. FML

By bear - 21/5/2012 22:47 - Norway - Bod?

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Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. When I asked why, she replied with "You don't go out anymore. All you do is lay in bed." I've had the flu for the past week. FML

By ZPyRoGoDz - 30/10/2009 06:25 - United States

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Today, I tried to be cute by sitting on top of my boyfriend's belly. While getting on top, I accidentally kneed him in his nuts. In pain, he jolted his head up and ended up banging his head against mine. Now I have a black eye and he can't walk without waddling. FML

By Anonymous - 30/12/2013 08:29 - United States - Inglewood

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Today, I decided to finally try out the veggie slicer I bought a few months ago to make healthy homemade potato chips. Along with the sliced potatoes, I am now missing about a quarter inch chunk of skin from the side of my hand and quite a bit of blood. At least the chips were good. FML

By missgayle319 - 15/3/2012 07:53 - United States

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Today, my husband thought it would be romantic to pick me up and fall on the bed with me while we were kissing. Our faces smashed together as we hit the bed, and my tongue is still bleeding on and off. FML

By WasntWorthIt - 30/7/2014 17:04 - United States - Concord

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Today, like every day since my wife was prescribed antibiotics for an infection, I had to hide one of the pills inside her food, because she'd apparently rather fall seriously ill than swallow them like an adult. FML

By Anonymous - 9/1/2014 19:02 - United States - Converse

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Today, while parking my car, I accidentally bumped into the car in front of me, making a small, barely noticeable dent. I felt bad, wrote an apology note, and stuck it on his windshield. An hour later, he replied by keying the entire right side of my car. FML

By immunizations - 11/12/2010 07:40 - Canada

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Today, while teaching English in Korea, my boss gave me a birthday present from her and all of my co-workers. It was a really fancy box. It had very nice wrapping. It had a pretty bow. It was kind of heavy. It was 6 bottles of dandruff shampoo. FML

By eslteacher - 13/5/2009 04:39 - Korea Republic of

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Today, one of my really close friends changed from being 'free' to 'quite busy' in the space of one conversation because I suggested that we hang out. FML

By gutted - 21/4/2011 08:33 - New Zealand

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Today, at work at a farm, we got a new calf. It looked like it had to poop, but was having difficulty. About four hours later it still hadn't pooped. Turns out it was born without an actual butthole. It was there, just sealed up by skin. I literally had to cut this poor calf a new butthole. FML

By halliemarie1818 - 24/4/2013 02:01 - United States

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Today, I was working at my desk and wearing my new noise cancelling headphones. I couldn’t hear anyone around me, so I let out a nice long fart. Every desk behind me was occupied and the fart was not silent. FML

By RikkiTikkiTavi - 12/11/2019 05:00

The unexpected

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Today, I decided to pull some weeds in my backyard. Everything was going great until I got a concussion. My dog thought that it would be fun to headbutt me from a running start. Twice. FML

By Lee - 10/4/2012 03:50 - United States

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Today, while working at a hospital, I told a patient to smile for the camera when taking an xray. His response was, "I have Bell's Palsy and haven't smiled in 5 years." FML

By oaksac191 - 26/10/2010 16:50 - United States

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Today, I felt manly. I spent almost the entire day peeling paint, power sanding, and applying Spackle for my grandma. Strutting with masculinity, I headed for the shower, only to let out a womanly yelp at a spider hanging at eye level around a corner. Manliness gone. FML

By Anonymous - 30/3/2012 01:54 - United States - Natrona Heights

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Today, I won an award for Employee of the Month. Shocked, I asked my boss if he'd gotten my name mixed up or something. He had. FML

By FUCK - 22/7/2013 18:29 - United States - Chicago

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Today, a friend of mine got a bit drunk, but said she was fine and didn't feel drunk at all. I took her keys anyway and said she could sleep on my bed, while I slept on the floor next to the bed. I was rudely woken up in the middle of the night to her rolling over and vomiting on my face. FML

By marz88 - 24/10/2009 18:27 - United States

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Today, to enhance our sex life, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex in our local mall's parking lot. The feeling of getting caught is fun and exhilarating. Until you actually get caught. FML

By Anonymous - 5/2/2011 03:27 - United States

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Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight and machete. Nothing. He may actually just be an asshole. FML

By panda - 3/3/2011 11:20

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Today, my husband is sulking because he "can't" have sex with me. I've tried initiating things multiple times, but he keeps saying no, because I'm pregnant and he says it'd be exactly the same as having sex with his own kid. FML

By sigh - 7/11/2015 05:39 - Australia - Rockdale

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Today, I was riding my motorcycle when I saw my cheating ex-wife walking down the road. Out of anger, I spat my gum at her. I forgot that my helmet's visor was still down, so when I spat, the gum stuck against it. I was temporarily blinded and I crashed into some bushes. FML

By Anonymous - 30/7/2009 00:14 - United Kingdom

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Today, I was camping with my family, and had to share a tent with my 13 year old brother. During the night he had to pee, but instead of going outside to use the bathroom, he zipped open a section of the tent, stuck his knob through it, and peed all over my shoes that were drying outside. FML

By jakethed0g - 10/8/2011 21:37 - United Kingdom

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Today, while I was fooling around with my girlfriend, she hurt her hand. It obviously wasn't very serious, so I told her to stop faking it. She responded, "Wanna know what I actually fake? My orgasms." FML

By Anonymous - 18/1/2014 22:55 - United States - Somerset

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Today, I was in a grocery store with my great-grandmother. It would've been nice to know she hadn't taken her medication before she started beating the cashier with her umbrella. FML

By Anonymous - 17/2/2012 08:01 - United States

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Today, I started taking my anxiety meds. Without them I can't function because I'm constantly fighting off panic attacks, but with them I can't function because I get crippling headaches and heartburn and feel tired all the time. FML

By panicked headaches - 7/12/2015 19:04 - United States - East Lansing

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Today, out of the 35 people invited, only one person showed up to my bridal shower. It was my grandma. FML

By bbt - 18/8/2018 22:00

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Today, I was taking my grandma shopping, when she pointed at a pair of thongs and told me if I don’t start wearing them I won’t get a man. I've been married for 4 years, gran. Thanks for paying attention. FML

By Anonymous - 24/12/2015 21:38 - United States - Hackensack

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Today, my mum decided that me being bisexual meant that I was "deciding whether or not to be a lesbian" because supposedly, no man will have me. Thanks mum. FML

By lil_munchkinjen - 9/2/2009 00:01 - United Kingdom

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Today, my girlfriend of a year broke up with me because I didn't fight some guy that started hitting her right in front of me... In a dream. She was totally serious. FML

By dreamdude - 20/9/2009 13:21 - United States

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Today, while at a restaurant, my date shat himself. He spent the entire meal pretending nothing had happened. FML

By Lady Bloodshart of the Redwater - 15/7/2016 20:27 - United States - Arlington

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Today, my fiancé paid a visit to my parents so he could ask my dad's permission to marry me. My dad responded with, "Why buy the cow when you can milk it for free?" FML

By Gracie-Ann - 1/7/2013 06:38 - United States - Portland

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Today, while reviewing boxes of motorcycle parts, I noticed my neighbor's daughter gleefully watching me. I jokingly said, "Wanna do this?" and she let out a loud squee and got to work alone. A few hours later, the bike was ready for a test run. I had no idea how to even start building it. She's 14. FML

By outplayed - 1/9/2017 16:00

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Today, I was on my way to work. Out of nowhere, my period started. Due to allergies, I had uncontrollable sneezes. Now, I have blood all over my pants. FML

By Anonymous - 23/6/2019 20:30

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Today, I was punched in the balls by a monkey. FML

By LennyComa - 19/3/2017 00:00

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Today, I spent 12 hours in an airport rather than go back to the apartment of the man I traveled to see for the weekend. Instead of wine, dine, sixty-nine, he took me to a tailgating event and introduced me to two girls he had a threesome with. FML

By Alexis - 15/11/2017 23:00 - United States

Classy.

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Today, I proudly presented my research project in class that I've worked for day and night for 3 weeks straight. My teacher fell asleep. FML

By Anonymous - 25/10/2011 01:29 - United States

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Today, I started dreaming about being at work. I already work more hours a week than I requested, and I live right across from my work and can see it out my window. I can never leave. FML

By helpme - 23/11/2015 17:00 - United States - Annapolis

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