The Top 10 Funniest Tweets Of The Week

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Today, we got our yearbooks for school. I opened to my profile to see that they misspelled my first name which is James. They wrote Lames. FML

By rusty2020 - 25/3/2009 16:32 - United States

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Today, I was taking a long, relaxing, hot bath with my girlfriend after a long day. She had fallen asleep in my arms and everything was perfect - until I noticed the water around us had started turning yellow as she pissed herself in her sleep. FML

By itsbeenalongday - 27/9/2015 16:05 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I'm 25-years-old and I need to wear an adult diaper as I have lost my bladder control. FML

By Anonymous - 11/5/2020 02:00

Pampered

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Today, while I was cuddling with my girlfriend, she looked at me and leaned in. Thinking she was going to kiss me, I leaned too. Just as we were about to kiss, she screamed "COW KISSES" and somehow managed to lick my eyeball. FML

By Brian - 18/3/2012 02:32 - United States - East Wenatchee

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Today, I'm spending $1,400 on rent each month to hear my upstairs neighbor walk from one end of their apartment to the other, and then back again. This occurs pretty much all day and all night. Yesterday I woke up at 3:30 a.m. from the banging of steps. My other neighbor played his music so loud, I felt it through the wall. FML

By Anonymous - 13/8/2020 08:01

Time to move out

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Today, I turned in my homework. Too bad I accidentally handed in the printed answer sheet I found online to copy from. FML

By copycat - 19/3/2015 05:05 - United States - Norco

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Today, my mum cleaned my room. When I got home she yelled at me for having condoms. I'm 24 years old and in a long term relationship. FML

By rahrahcakes - 19/3/2012 07:36 - Australia - Brisbane

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Today, the laziest person in my department came and complained to me, while I was working, that they didn't know why we were so far behind today. Then they went to chat to their friend for 45 minutes. I know why. FML

By Jenbearish - 16/8/2016 04:58

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Today, my mom bitched me out for still being single at age 19, and still not having started a family. She considers this "immoral," yet showed nothing but praise for my sister, who's pregnant at 15 and doesn't know which of three guys is the father. FML

By failed brood mare - 17/11/2013 17:46 - United States - Hollywood

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Today, I gave my sister a stun gun for her birthday since she recently had a couple "close calls" walking home from work late at night. She was so excited and thankful that she wanted to express her gratitude by shocking me to see if it really worked. FML

By PoopTart - 29/4/2009 05:39 - United States

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Today, a neighbor came by while I was cooking. She asked for some of my cheese, so I gave her a big slice and told her I only had cheddar. She angrily refused to accept the slice, and made her way to my fridge. She then yelled at me for not having an assortment of cheeses. FML

By SetoAyumi - 15/11/2011 08:40 - United States

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Today, I went on a first date. He left me standing at a bus stop while he took a dump in some bushes. FML

By highlydisgusted - 16/10/2013 03:10 - Canada - Ottawa

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Today, my friend finally convinced me that if I picked up her cat it wouldn't scratch my eyes out. It peed on me instead. FML

By hannah - 17/2/2011 05:58 - United Kingdom

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Today, I got fired from my job. Why? Apparently taking 10 minutes to take a shit is too long for some people. FML

By Anonymous - 24/7/2014 09:05 - United States - Cape Coral

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Today, my sister called me and asked if my boyfriend of 3 years had proposed to me yet. And now the surprise is ruined. FML

By anonymous - 16/6/2012 13:57 - United States

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Today, while giving a lecture about gases to a large chemistry class, I went outside to let loose an unusualy loud fart while they took some notes. I came back in only to see 300 students dying of laughter. I had left the wireless mic on. FML

By DrGas - 4/9/2009 04:30 - United States

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Today, I ordered a Diet Coke with my meal from a fast food restaurant. Turns out, they didn't give me diet. My blood sugar spiked and I was sick for hours later. I'm a diabetic. FML

By Hungryman - 15/1/2010 21:30 - France

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Today, my kitten made it snow inside my house using a 12-pack of toilet paper. FML

By Anonymous - 6/2/2013 18:00 - United States - Fairview

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Today, I had a horrible stomach flu and was well into my second hour of dry heaving when I heard my husband knock on the bathroom door. I was touched that he was worried about me until I heard, "Honey, what did you make me for dinner?" FML

By greenintheface - 30/4/2011 06:27 - United States

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Today, I learned that my wife had an affair with another guy. She met him while we were on a trip in another state for marriage counseling. The reason we were in marriage counseling was because she had no desire for sex, and we had gone for two years without it. FML

By imatool - 27/7/2009 17:36 - United States

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Today, I found out why I get so red all over at parties. Turns out I'm allergic to alcohol FML

By Anonymous - 25/7/2019 20:00

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Today, I met my girlfriend's very religious parents for dinner. Somehow we got to talking about her groin hernias that were repaired as a baby. I never knew she had hernias repaired and said, "But she doesn't have any scars down there." There was a long awkward silence. FML

By douchetard - 26/3/2009 07:37 - United States

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Today, I discovered the crunching noise your foot will make if you accidentally drop a cement block on it. FML

By flatfoot - 9/8/2012 19:33 - Canada - Hamilton

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Today, I was teaching a class and my student pointed out that I used the wrong "your" while writing on the board. FML

By englishfail - 15/1/2010 17:39 - United States

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Today, my friends took my phone and changed all the contact's names to characters from Harry Potter. I have over a hundred contacts and no idea who I'm talking to. I've been texting Draco Malfoy for 4 hours now. FML

By MissMSE - 18/9/2009 08:41 - Canada

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Today, while attempting a DIY pest removal, one of our tenants lit a skunk on fire. FML

By Al - 10/3/2010 02:07 - United States

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Today, we’ve had a rat problem in our house for a few weeks. Recently I hid a bottle of booze in my room so my parents wouldn’t see it. But my parents saw a rat in my room and tore the whole thing apart to find it, eventually finding my bottle instead. I was literally ratted out by a rat. FML

By I’m screwed - 8/12/2018 15:30

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Today, my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me. I was crying for over an hour in my room. My dad came in and asked what was wrong. Just as I was about to tell him, he stops me and simply says "Oh, honey. I don't care... Just keep the noise down." Then walks out. FML

By daddylove - 12/6/2011 04:21 - United States

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Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my vagina. He replied, "What's that?" FML

By Anonymous - 6/10/2014 02:42 - United States - Rock Island

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Today, I laced up my fabulous new boots and walked outside to find my hot neighbor, with whom I carpool every morning. I struck a pose, feeling quite confident. Upon taking my first step down the stairs, I fell forward. I woke up an hour later with 7 stitches in my head. FML

By Triple F - 7/3/2009 17:16 - United States

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Today, I was excited when I saw a missed call. It wasn't my ex-boyfriend finally willing to talk, it was the creepy guy I met on the bus in November who I haven't seen since but has written me poetry. FML

By Anonymous - 15/12/2009 08:10 - United States

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Today, I foolishly told my husband that I know he's been holding back sexually, and that I was willing to indulge any sexual fantasies he may have. Now it seems that tonight, I'll be responding to the name "Fluttershy". FML

By Anonymous - 25/6/2012 22:08 - Denmark - Copenhagen

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Today, my mom found my dildo, and got so angry that she beat me with it. FML

By Anonymous - 1/12/2014 17:55 - United States

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Today, I put a blue toilet cleaner square in the back of toilet. My fiancé called me later on freaking out because he couldn't get the "blue water to go away" when he flushed. FML

By sparklethelette - 7/12/2011 01:38 - United States

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Today, my mom talked me into going to a funeral since my dad wouldn't go. It was for one of her classmates. When it was our time to view the casket, we paused in front of it for a second before my mom leans over to me and says, "What if I told you that was really your dad?" FML

By The nice guy finishing Last - 27/3/2017 12:00

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Today, on my way to a big convention in Chicago, I found out that when my friend said, "I live in Chicago," they really meant, "I live an hour and a half outside of Chicago." Hello traffic and hours of daily driving. FML

By Anonymous - 11/8/2016 00:24 - United States - Denver

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Today, I was teaching a small group of improv students. I asked one guy to do a monologue, and laughed to myself while he did so. I said, "Sorry, I'm just laughing at the way you're doing it." He then got upset and pointed out that he had a speech impediment. FML

By ImprovTeacher - 16/6/2019 14:05

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Today, my roommate whipped my face with a frozen chicken cutlet. My cheek is now the size of the chicken cutlet, and now he won't drive me to the hospital because it's "too funny to look at." FML

By bigbuldge - 17/9/2019 00:01

Roommate From Hell

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Today, my 5 year old brother wanted to look through my phone. I know he can't read so I gave it to him. He was, however, able to get at my "private" photo album. FML

By lebowski - 28/11/2010 01:57 - United States

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