Only People With Spelling OCD Can Get 30/30 In This Test!

2028

303

Today, I discovered that I sometimes talk in my sleep. After spending an amazing, perfectly romantic night with my boyfriend, I woke up to him telling me to leave. I have no idea what I could have said. He still won't talk to me. FML

By Anonymous - United States

30575

3045

Today, on the bus, a little boy gave me the dirtiest look, pointed at my pregnant stomach, and menacingly said, "I know what you did." FML

By Anonymous - United States - Boston

57049

7663

Today, I was promoted as an auditor at an insurance company. After finding 9 compliance violations and over $15,000 returned incorrectly, I reported them to my manager. She blamed me for all the mistakes and fired me. These mistakes happened two years before I was employed with the company. FML

By Henry

How is that fair?

2232

119

Today, in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, instead of saying something sexy, he decided to tell me that the bowling alley had a new air hockey table. FML

By missingcharlie - United States

45003

5671

Today, after struggling with breastfeeding and trying to build up my milk supply, I was finally able to pump a full 6 oz! I celebrated by immediately spilling it all over my lap. FML

By don't cry over spilled milk - United States - Elmendorf Afb

11145

1408

Today, my grandparents thought it would be acceptable to give me and my wife Christmas presents to take to my ex-wife, along with a card saying how much they missed her and to get in touch with them next time she is in town. FML

By B-Rizzle - United States

28946

3187

Today, I was working at my retail job. A customer stopped me on my way to break saying "someone" had broken a snow globe. She showed me where it was and I cleaned it up with her circling me. I finished and put the cleaning supplies away when I heard a 'crash' as the same woman dropped another snow globe. FML

By kilo1_13 - United States

52923

2502

Today, it turns out that my hairy feet are the most memorable part about me. My family's named me "the hobbit". FML

By Anonymous - United States

27172

4261

Today, my boyfriend threw me a going-away party. During the party, I caught him in my bedroom hooking up with my friend because "you're leaving soon anyway so it doesn't matter." I'll only be gone for 6 weeks. FML

By lonelyinlondon - Canada

46658

3305

Today, my mom found my dildo, and got so angry that she beat me with it. FML

By Anonymous - United States

53504

15148

Today, my dad finished installing our new home security system. One of the features lets him control any light in the house from his phone. He keeps trying to piss me off by turning my bedroom light on at random intervals. I don't know how to make it stop, and I can't sleep. FML

By pissed off - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

51650

4927

Today, after years of faking pleasure with my boyfriend, I visited the gynaecologist. As soon as she touched my privates I instinctively let out a fake moan. FML

By instinct - Australia - Doncaster East

38766

78030

Today, my sister is visiting. She used more toilet paper today than I have in two months. FML

By jriese444 - United States

27421

3302

Today, I got banned from my school library after I ran after a guy who stole my bag. FML

By Skazzy3

32908

2215

Today, I rushed home to tell my parents my girlfriend had accepted my proposal. They asked how I could be so selfish at a time like this. Apparently, Michael Jackson's death is more important than their son. FML

By Tom - United States

80753

6873

Today, my younger brother decided it would be funny to put rubbing alcohol in my contact lens case while I had them soaking overnight. I didn't realize this until I put the first one in. FML

By redeye - United States

40586

2441

Today, I was in a terrific mood after finding a bouquet of beautiful flowers on my doorstep when I came home. That is, until I recognised the handwriting of my "secret admirer" was the same as my mother's. FML

By mfnfhdjdjddjsjfn - Australia - Sydney

26976

2199

Today, I was walking on the street when a woman in front of me dropped a couple of dollars. I picked them up and chased her to return it all. She insisted that it wasn't hers. I tried to tell her it was, but she wouldn't accept it. A cop saw me and arrested me for solicitation. FML

By Anonymous

1912

168

Today, I had a panic attack because I was constipated. FML

By Sostupid - Canada

25431

8774

Today, I was shopping for clothes. I thought this guy was a mannequin because he was standing perfectly still. I poked him and he screamed like a girl. FML

By ohcrap - United States

16217

36292

Today, I watched Cast Away with my girlfriend after not seeing it for a year. I forgot how sad it was when Wilson "dies" at the end. I cried. My girlfriend told me to man up. FML

By whywilson.. - Canada

13397

25758

Today, I parked my convertible in the 5 minute bay at the post office. When I came back out I noticed a bum in the front seat pretending to drive it. After shouting at him and pulling him out, he stumbled off. I was then slapped with a ticket for being parked longer than 5 minutes. FML

By John - Australia

30402

6221

Today, I was in the bank with my seven year old daughter, when I saw an old high school friend of mine with his wife. I said hello, and he commented on how beautiful my little girl was. I thanked him, and as I turned away, I heard his wife say "I guess the father must be the good looking one." FML

By lexibabe - United States

58780

2757

Today, I was giving a presentation to a group of high school kids about how being 'cool' wasn't as important as they might think. When I was done I asked for questions. A kid says, "Miss, I get that you're not into being cool, but you're wearing your pants inside out.' He was right. FML

By indi1011 - Australia

45979

25424

Today, I was planning on going on a date with a girl I've really liked. She told me today was the only we could hang out before her trip. I got an expensive hair cut, planned on cooking her dinner, and pulled a few strings and got on the list for a big concert. Turns out she'd rather go shopping FML

By sadday - United States

32983

3984

Today, I realised that I've never been able to successfully cook a meal outside of World of Warcraft. FML

By Anonymous - Thailand - Bang Bua Thong

26605

40391

Today, I was running to my car, slipped, and slammed my head on the car door. I started driving to the hospital because it was bleeding profusely and I was dizzy, I called my mom to tell her what had happened. She said I was grounded for "goofing off" and that she was "sick of my shit". FML

By itsgotime - United States

98202

7885

Today, I was holding our weekly poker game with a few work buddies. My psychotic, live-in mother-in-law wasted no time jumping into the game, cheating me out of $150, my new wristwatch, and what little pride I had left. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

21053

10507

Today, my father tricked me into eating a Tasmanian habanero, saying it was just another pepper. The burning in my mouth was unbearable, but nothing compared to when I took a shit later in the day. FML

By Coldsnap - Sweden

35728

4998

Today, I moved into my new place. It evidently used to belong to a hooker, because although I've only lived here for 9 hours, so far several different men have knocked on my door and asked if "Stephanie" is available for a good time. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Woodford Green

Hello, is me you're looking for?

50062

3146

Today, I was not yet wearing my bouncer uniform when a fight broke out at a club. I intervened, only to have the cops who showed up tase me because they thought I was part of it. FML

By ramis182 - United States - Federal Way

27468

4655

Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML

By anonymous - Australia

15216

27501

Today, I told my boyfriend of three years that I wanted to get married and have a child within the next five years. He responded by packing up my things and showing me the door. FML

By rissa5214 - United States - Stoughton

26419

5878

Today, I was relaxing on the couch after a long day with my annoying aunt when I heard my sister come in from the garage. I loudly asked, "Do you think Aunt Stacy knows everybody doesn't like her?" It wasn't my sister. It was my aunt returning my purse I had left in her car. FML

By katara - United States

Busted

9974

57349

Today, my ex-girlfriend, who is obviously still in love with me, is best friends with my mom. Now every time I come home, she is over. She even spent 4 hours helping us decorate our Christmas tree, and now she is telling my little sister about our love life. FML

By fordn4h - United States

37425

5167

Today, I realized that without fail, even if I'm not supposed to get it, I get my period just in time for vacations. FML

By hellolaina - United States - San Francisco

12863

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1367

Today, the court is unable to allow me to divorce my wife because she is pregnant with our child. I have to wait until AFTER the baby is born, so that she is born inside of a marriage and not be an "illegitimate child". I was planning to move out of our house to go live with my high school sweetheart this weekend. FML

By HaroldLames - 1/3/2021 11:01

What have you got yourself into?

309

2584

Today, I fell asleep at work and woke up with penis sharpied on my face. I'm a kindergarten teacher. FML

By Fingkids - United States

18263

33765

Today, while working at the pet store, I had to feed the snakes. I'd thawed too many mice, so instead of wasting one, I fed it to our turtles. They decided to play tug of war with it, ripping it in half in front of several terrified children. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - London

11623

29696