Only People With Spelling OCD Can Get 30/30 In This Test!

13301

2523

Today, I got a call that my custom order bridesmaid dress is at the apartment complex I just moved out of. They won’t give it to me because I’m no longer a resident, but they just thought I should know. The wedding’s tomorrow. FML

By budgetboss - United States - Granbury

4177

361

Today, after taking a shower, I decided to weigh myself. Curious, I peered down. I couldn't see the scale. I am fat. FML

By Mr. Shawzy - Canada

15024

23139

Today, I was being drug tested as part of a pre-employment policy for substitute teaching. Once I had peed in the cup enough to pass the line, I put it on the only available space: the toilet paper holder. Trying to get toilet paper, I knocked the cup over, spilling pee all over myself. FML

By Anonymous

Are you taking the piss?

1431

840

Today, I learned that the building I just moved into contains both a drummer and an opera singer. Both are very dedicated to their craft and practice frequently. FML

By OperaLover - United States

32031

3446

Today, I was walking my dogs. I had a doggy bag, and was holding it closed, then breathing in it, so it would blow up. My dogs 'went', so I picked it up and kept walking. As I was heading home, I absent-mindedly started blowing into the bag again. Everything ended up in my mouth and on my face. FML

By doggybag - Canada

12746

80751

Today, my maid of honor and best friend of 10 years won't answer my texts and blocked me on social media. This is because last night she and my fiancé got into a huge drunken fight about who loved me more and she stormed off. I get married in 5 hours and I have no idea where she is. FML

By Therunawaymoh

3441

313

Today, we had bingo. Three rounds into it a group behind me started to yell, "BINGO, BINGO!". I looked around and saw no one was coming to verify that they had a bingo, so I turned around and said "Stand up." The girl was a midget, she was standing up. FML

By Anonymous - United States

39210

14397

Today, my boyfriend and I were spooning in bed, nude, when I accidentally farted. He freaked out and asked in all seriousness if I was trying to give his dick pink-eye. FML

By -_____- - Netherlands

49910

8031

Today, I replied to a party invite. I thought I was only replying to the hostess, who's a close friend, so added a P. S. about a recent sex toy purchase I'd made and how rubbish it had been. I only realised after pressing "Send" that I'd selected "Reply All". FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

28366

41206

Today, after hanging up the phone, I realised that telemarketers are my only form of social life. FML

By oxbonxo - Australia

26503

6139

Today, I had lunch with a co-worker, and after having a good talk and enjoying each others company, we got up to leave. Right before we said goodbye, she looked me right in the face and looking legitimately confused said "you know, I really don't understand why no one at work likes you." FML

By crazyclumzy - Canada

32997

2746

Today, I was chilling in my comfy zip-up sweatshirt when I realized I was running late for an acting class. In my mad panic, I forgot I didn't have a shirt or bra underneath. Later in class, I was performing a scene and started to unzip my sweatshirt. You can figure out the rest. FML

By AccidentalFlasher - Canada - Thornhill

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5557

Today, was the third day of my camping trip with my "friends". I woke up in my boxers with my hand glued to my forehead. FML

By Anonymous - United States

36289

5666

Today I got back to my hotel at the same time as my supervisor and realized we had rooms right next to each other. I thought it was funny and said bye to him...only to remember that I had slept with HIS boss last night. We were not quiet. FML

1404

3576

Today, my cat decided to show me just how much he loves me by bringing a live snake into my bedroom. Thanks. FML

By Mojosahomo - United States - Salt Lake City

Thanksssss

4060

582

Today, as I was about to meet my girlfriend's parents, she thought it would be funny to grab my junk and give me a hard-on right before they walked in. I couldn't hide it quickly enough. FML

By tigerbyrn - Canada - Scarborough

18882

2048

Today, I found out that the mysterious and creepy weirdo guy that continuously sends me messages on Facebook is my manager at my new job. FML

By Jessica S. - United States - Louisville

25356

2009

Today, I went to buy some spray paint for a project. I've never used a spray can before, so I decided to try it on paper provided. Unfortunately I didn't hold the can the right way and ended up with black, permanent, paint all over my face in the middle of a store. FML

By muffincakess - France

9904

36959

Today, my boyfriend blamed me for his affair, because apparently I "should have made it clear to him" not to have sex with other people. FML

By yourfault - United Kingdom - Kingston

66676

6751

Today, I was walking to class. While waiting at the crosswalk, a guy cat-called me from his car. I guess he was pissed that I didn't respond, because he purposely drove through a puddle and completely soaked me and the expensive textbook I was holding. FML

By Soakedandbroke - United States - Houston

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1745

Today, my boyfriend and I were gazing into each others' eyes in the moonlight after not having seen each other for a week. I thought he was going to say "I love you" and pull me in for a kiss. Instead, he said, "Since you can’t drive, we should get one of those two seater bicycles." FML

By tjcl - United States

28221

9433

Today, I was driving slightly off road for work to clean a well. I didn't want to get my boots muddy by walking the last 20 ft through mud, so I tried to drive through. I spent the next four hours on hands and knees digging my way out. FML

By Phil - United States - Plain City

1042

3022

Today, my bedroom in my gran's house gets the most sun in the evenings. There is no AC, not even a fan, and the only place cool enough to sleep is the basement. Which probably hasn’t been cleaned since the '80s, and I have to share it with the biggest spider ever and a beehive in the roller shutter casing. FML

By Anonymous - 18/8/2020 05:01

Spoiled for choice

1184

170

Today, my dad threw up on my dress. My wedding dress. While he was walking me down the aisle. FML

By poorgirl - United States

66085

3406

Today, the weather was nice so I decided to eat outside. I quickly found out that my new, expensive hair conditioner attracts bees. Lots of bees. FML

By Stung - United States

46991

6702

Today, I was babysitting a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. I asked her, "Do you got your bag?" And she said, "No. I have my bag. Babies say got. I'm a big girl." I am 20 years old and in the honors program in my college. I was corrected by a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. FML

By Nanny - United States

17170

101771

Today, I realized that the only female who shows any sexual interest in me at all is my 70-year-old neighbor. FML

By gerontofuck - Canada - Red Deer

44750

4622

Today, at work I had to listen to a group of old men talk about double penetration. I work at a coffee shop. FML

By firstandlastjob - 13/6/2020 14:11

Make it stop

1680

183

Today, as a joke, my friend put my bus money in the vending machine. Not only did the machine not return my money, it wouldn't give me an item in return. FML

By Eodowoiono - United States - Cedar Rapids

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4577

Today, while working in a customer service call center, a customer berated me for using a fake name. He said my name is "too stupid" to be real and that no sane person would ever use it. It was my real name. FML

By mynameisnotstupid - Germany - Munich

19478

1348

Today, I received a marriage proposal at work from a 70 year old man covered in dirt from head to toe, who offered to be my "sugar daddy." I guess I have options after all. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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3093

Today, my dad told me to knock it off with my "stupid gangster walk", saying it made me look like an idiot. I didn't have the balls to admit I'd sharted my pants and was awkwardly waddling to the bathroom to clean myself up. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

12698

2203

Today, I woke up to find that the large container of leftover beef stroganoff that I put down the garbage disposal last night had backed up into my bathtub this morning. FML

By Noname - United States

24145

4154

Today, I'm so pale, my boss asked me whether I light up in the dark. FML

By Kathleen Verhaegen - 30/4/2020 20:00

Lava lamp

1312

277

Today, my wife changed her name back to her maiden name. Why? So people would stop asking questions about us. We have been married for 15 years. FML

By unloved - United Kingdom

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2736

Today, I parked in my "employee of the month" parking spot by the front of the store and started my shift. About halfway through my shift, a customer backed into my vehicle, got out and checked, then drove off before I could come outside. Perks of being the best employee I can be. FML

By Thomas P.

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840

Today, I found out just how close my boyfriend has been getting to our new neighbour's teenage son. I came home from work to find them on my bed and my "straight" boyfriend head down ass up. FML

By Cantunsee

4956

401

Today, my boyfriend showed me how he gives himself a semi-erection before he goes into the men's showers after training so his penis will look bigger in front of all the guys. I find it worrying that he won't have sex with me, but has no problem walking around in front of men naked with a semi. FML

By 4fucksake - Ireland

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4669

Today, I realised that my body has its own masturbation cycle; while I was out shopping, I heard the intro music to my room-mate's favourite video game, and popped an uncontrollable boner. FML

By Danny - Ireland - Dublin

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5707