By Ewt - Canada - Victoria

Not a joke!

Today, I found out that my best friend does not wash her hands after going to the bathroom, even if she changes her pad. I then remembered all the times she handed food to me, and teased me when I tried to wash my hands first. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2223

You deserved it

180

Favorite

Miscellaneous

And today, on Dr Phil…

Out of it

Coherence dude, do you have it?

By bob the builder - United States - Ridgeland

Today, I'm at work on a construction site for a high rise building, on the 12th floor today. I've developed a severe case of the runs, causing me to need to rush to the nearest toilet periodically. Luckily for me it's conveniently located on the ground floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24296

You deserved it

1722

Favorite

By wtfdaughter - Brazil - Recife

Today, my daughter put a doll in the microwave "to keep her warm". She's 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34436

You deserved it

4806

Favorite

By tarah - 10/3/2021 21:30

Alexa, play "What difference does it make?" by The Smiths

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after finding out my parents are divorced. Same reason my last three girlfriends broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1069

You deserved it

Favorite

By jdancerchick - United States

Today, while driving and singing, I noticed a large fly inside my car. I stopped singing so it wouldn't fly into my mouth. That didn't stop it from flying up my nose, causing me to swerve and drive into a ditch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31184

You deserved it

4693

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Smyrna

Today, I took my 4-year-old son to the bank with me. He asked why we were going, and I explained that I had a couple of checks that they would turn into money. When we got in line, he loudly exclaimed that "Mommy has checks for money!" Except "checks" sounded almost exactly like "sex". FML

I agree, your life sucks

52525

You deserved it

4547

Favorite

By Dez - United States - Anchorage

Apparently not.

Today, while I was at work, my boyfriend texted me asking, “We are in an open relationship, right?” FML

I agree, your life sucks

5001

You deserved it

397

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Today, I had to show my daughter where the USA is on a map. She's 17, and we live in the USA. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47261

You deserved it

10887

Favorite

By Kayt - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me for the first time. He stopped just as I was about to orgasm, and asked if I could finish by myself. Apparently he'd come up with a new algorithm for the Rubik's Cube on my desk and wanted to try it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42295

You deserved it

4632

Favorite

By disappointed - United States - Rockville

Today, my eldest daughter told me about the sharp pains she's been having for the past couple of days. She also told me how she thinks it's really pointy carrots trying to escape her body. She's 11, and going to middle school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11963

You deserved it

1449

Favorite

By nosleep - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boyfriend read online that oversleeping has been linked to strokes later in life. He's now taken it upon himself to protect me by making sure that I have as minimal sleep as possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34971

You deserved it

3221

Favorite

By Meh - United States

Today, two days before my birthday, my parents drove three hours to visit me at school and take me out to lunch. I assumed that it was to celebrate my birthday. They told me they are getting divorced. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70797

You deserved it

2806

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I was offered a position as a trainer at a great company. My manager was livid when I told her. This is after she told me I was wasting my time trying to become a trainer and if I wanted to become one, I should apply elsewhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2781

You deserved it

194

Favorite

By changeddaily - Australia

Today, I was telling my friend how lonely I am on Skype. He responded by deleting me as a friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35363

You deserved it

11284

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 05:05

Life decisions

Today, I decided to break up with my girlfriend after I got home and realised I was happier sat in my car on the street than I would be if I went inside and had to put up with her whining and her 2 spoiled daughters for even one more day. So now I’m happy, but also homeless. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1434

You deserved it

376

Favorite

By dumped - South Africa

Today, I got a postcard from my boyfriend who is on vacation in the Caribbean. He's breaking up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38733

You deserved it

3787

Favorite

By Anon - Australia

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I found out he was seeing someone behind my back: my ex-boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56443

You deserved it

5177

Favorite

By Gray_Kitty - United States - Omaha

Today, a woman came in to order lunch. She ordered a sandwich then asked for me to configure it precisely to her complicated desires. This took a whole 5 minutes, during the lunch rush. When I told her the cost, she decided it was too expensive and cancelled her order. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11607

You deserved it

748

Favorite

By Nofriends - Australia - Melbourne

Today, for my birthday, my family offered to take one of my friends to the movies with me. I had to pay a random person in my class to pose as a friend of mine, so that I wouldn't look pathetic in front of my parents. She forgot my name three times. They didn't buy it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19370

You deserved it

25052

Favorite

By ew - United States - Garland

Today, I asked the 7-year-old that I was babysitting if he could burp on command. He said he could, and began to demonstrate. It turns out he couldn't purposely burp, but he definitely could vomit on command. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10414

You deserved it

28967

Favorite

By Josie - United States - Florence

Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend. There's a short cut to my house by jumping a fence but he insisted that we take the long way because, "Girls don't jump fences." To prove him wrong, I jumped the fence. I fell and broke my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17176

You deserved it

35920

Favorite

By Anonymous - France - Bourges

Today, my boyfriend still won't talk to me, after I caused him the "worst embarrassment" of his life in front of his friends. What did I do wrong? I joined their conversation and ended up confusing the fictional characters of Gollum and Yoda with one another. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18688

You deserved it

64369

Favorite

By Heather - United States - Newport News

Today, I discovered my children had found my vibrator and buried it in the cat's litter box. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28366

You deserved it

12688

Favorite

By ilovecowboys - New Zealand

Today, on the train to work, the train guard was hot and I became stupidly nervous. I'm very shy and was trying to avoid eye-contact. He said 'THANK YOU', in a pissed off tone of voice and glared at me. I had absent-mindedly been staring in the direction of his prosthetic arm the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26789

You deserved it

7003

Favorite

By MAC. - Canada - Toronto

Today, I slammed the car door on my head while I was getting in the car. If that wasn't bad enough, my boyfriend is convinced I now have a concussion and insists on waking me up every hour to make sure I'm still alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23019

You deserved it

5855

Favorite

By Barrel - United States

Today, my wife left me the following voicemail: “Alex, last night was amazing. You took me to places I’ve never been to before. I can’t wait to see you tonight after work.” My name is Rob. We haven’t had sex in two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62540

You deserved it

9014

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Roswell

Today, at a post-Christmas party, I saw a cute girl standing underneath a mistletoe. I walked up to her and pointed out that we were both standing under a mistletoe. She looked at me, winced, and quickly walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21033

You deserved it

24418

Favorite

By Cup_of___ - United States

Today, I walked into a liquor store and thought about inquiring for a job application. After seeing the cashier, I thought about inquiring if she was single. After accidentally breaking three bottles of liquor, I didn't do either. I left the store, still single and unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8915

You deserved it

29995

Favorite

By Anonymous - Iceland

Today, my mom made me go shopping with her. It was freezing out, but she didn't wear a coat, boasting that she doesn't feel the chill like I do. By the time we drove home she was whining about freezing to death, and now I'm stuck in a house whose heating is set to "inferno". FML

I agree, your life sucks

43195

You deserved it

4166

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/6/2020 14:02

Smash capitalism

Today, I was basically treated to, "Hey, you're laid off by the end of the month. Oh, and would you mind training your replacement? We have budget cuts, and he works for less." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1535

You deserved it

Favorite

By Can't Spell Worth A Damn - United States

Today, I was writing an email to our entire company regarding a fundraiser we are taking part in for children and adults with disabilities. I was rushing to get the email out and hit send before I realized that instead of "Best Regards" I had typed "Best Retards" as the closing line. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30649

You deserved it

41635

Favorite

By pickuptruckblues - Canada - Mississauga

Final Destination

Today, I was stopped behind a pickup truck filled with junk. I told my friend that the person should have secured the junk better, since it looked like it would fall off any minute. My friend assured me it wouldn't. Right after she said that, a large piece of plywood fell off and hit my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31773

You deserved it

3583

Favorite

By whosurdaddy

Today, I'm attending a party where drunken women just can't seem to keep their clothes on. Those drunken women are my daughters. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8987

You deserved it

1410

Favorite

By Anonymous - Guatemala

Today, I got mugged. After taking my cell phone, the guy politely said: "Thanks. Have a nice evening. Be careful on your way home." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38016

You deserved it

3165

Favorite

By Cody - United States

Today, my kids surprised me when I got home. One of them played the Rocky theme song on the stereo, and the other came up to me and said, "Daddy, let's go. We need you to drop about 15 pounds before you appear in front of all of our friends at our play." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33676

You deserved it

8023

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I applied to live in a barn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27266

You deserved it

8610

Favorite

By Noname - Canada

Today, I was telling my boyfriend I had fake orgasms all the time to piss him off. He replied: "that's okay, I'm f***ing three other girls." FML

I agree, your life sucks

57275

You deserved it

143600

Favorite

By Tylerdirdin84

Today, I had to give a massage to my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend as they got a couples’ massage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2018

You deserved it

135

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a parent came into my class and told one of my 6 year old students that their grandma died. Then the parent left. The kid started crying from the news, which then got all the other students crying. I spent the rest of the day comforting a class of kids crying over someone else's grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56938

You deserved it

3828

Favorite

By HMM - United States

Timewaster

Today, I received a call while at the dispatch station for the Naval hospital I work at. It was a woman having a panic attack. Apparently, she couldn't plug her vacuum in, and was more or less freaking out. I had to take her in anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25938

You deserved it

2984

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was arrested for a crime that happened 27 years ago. I'm only 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2443

You deserved it

121

Favorite

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Top comments

By randomnobody0622 | 6

#7864692 - Friday 6 December 2019 5:12

im about to puke

By mooshake | 15

#7864827 - Friday 6 December 2019 15:20

That’s so nasty 🤮

COMMENTS

By randomnobody0622 | 6

#7864692 - Friday 6 December 2019 5:12

im about to puke

By zahidnasir | 22

#7864719 - Friday 6 December 2019 7:36

How was the taste of the food?

By Nimesh Priyodit | 11

#7864748 - Friday 6 December 2019 10:07

Also imagine every time she fed you something which you found delicious

By mooshake | 15

#7864827 - Friday 6 December 2019 15:20

That’s so nasty 🤮

By Bevis Butthead | 4

#7864853 - Friday 6 December 2019 18:36

NASTY HO!

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7864937 - Saturday 7 December 2019 7:01

There is honestly no excuse for this. Even kindergartners are taught to wash their hands after using the bathroom. Not doing so is just gross and lazy. Just... wtf why?