By Ewt - 6/12/2019 05:00 - Canada - Victoria

Not a joke!

Today, I found out that my best friend does not wash her hands after going to the bathroom, even if she changes her pad. I then remembered all the times she handed food to me, and teased me when I tried to wash my hands first. FML

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2194

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Miscellaneous

Great boyfriend

British Broadcasting Corporation

Fairytale ending

By maddie94 - 27/4/2009 09:14 - Australia

Today, I was in a shopping center when I went to the toilet. I came out, washed my hands and suddenly got a massive itch in my crotch. Without thinking I itched it. I then had to walk around the center with a wet hand print on my crotch. FML

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12343

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54363

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2011 05:45 - United States

Today, my husband bought me a bouquet of roses. They caused me to sneeze seven times in a row. That was the closest he's ever got me to an orgasm. FML

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41709

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8551

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By KMKWEEN - 16/2/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, I was at work. I work at a grocery store and a woman pulls a cart to me filled with chips, breads, lunch meats, and sodas. I said to her "Looks like you are going to have a fun party" she then looks at me and says "My mother just died, this is for after the funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43780

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10623

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By Kyle - 5/1/2012 06:58 - United States

Today, I jokingly mocked my dad about his age. He jokingly poured milk all over my head. FML

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13870

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35825

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By BigMoney - 7/9/2011 17:25 - United States

Today, behind a cabinet, I found a scratch-off lottery ticket I hadn't scratched yet. After scratching it off, I realized it's a $2,500 winner. The lottery commission won't accept it because they stopped using that game 2 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45334

You deserved it

13479

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By TrueSoulmates - 11/4/2019 12:00

Today, after a year of struggling to get over my anxiety disorder so that I don't have a panic attack every time I go to see my boyfriend, I've been informed that his anxiety has now flared and he gets anxious when texting me. It's a lose-lose, and I'm now causing him the same hell I've felt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1702

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315

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2012 15:34 - United States - Bellaire

Today, my boyfriend accidentally broke my nose the day he was meeting my parents for the first time. FML

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26277

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2372

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2016 03:47 - United States

Today, my brother came out on Facebook, with a message including the words "I got nothing against gays. Except my dick!" I replied "Eww!" My second comment, "Eww because of the analogy, lol." disappeared among a load of replies tearing me apart for being a homophobe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11832

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3208

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By starboy - 10/3/2012 06:50 - United States

Today, I was humming the Star Wars theme song while on the bus. When my stop came I walked down the aisle only to hear a girl mutter, "The virginity is strong in this one." She's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28120

You deserved it

20093

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2013 21:22 - United States - New York

Today, the kid next to me asked me, in all seriousness, if gay people have feelings like regular people. I'm gay, and I have to sit next to this barnacle until June. FML

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55877

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9312

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2019 18:00

Today, I got a package containing a present from my grandma. It was a pack of cookies someone gave her for her birthday, and which no one in the family wanted to take home when she offered, because we all found the cookies disgusting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1314

You deserved it

129

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By bureaucratic assfuckery - 4/1/2013 20:51 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I learned that my doctor lost all of my immunization records. I can't start law school without them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28559

You deserved it

1812

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By Tiana Scott - 12/9/2018 13:10

Today, I left the door open while I went to the bathroom and my 11-month-old crawled in and then took off with my toilet paper. FML

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2249

You deserved it

798

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By bluesox4 - 6/2/2012 05:50 - United States

Today, I found out that the only thing worse than a psycho, overbearing, controlling girlfriend is a psycho, overbearing and controlling ex-girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35134

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4101

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By Non-active - 25/9/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, we got our progress reports. My physics teacher wrote that I don't participate in class. My mom got mad and grounded me before I could tell her that I raise my hand in class all the time but my teacher won't call on me cause he can't pronounce my name. FML

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49146

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3242

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2015 06:18 - United States - Cranford

Today, I confessed my feelings to the girl I like, who also happens to be my coworker. She told my boss, and they're laughing about it as I type this. FML

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26210

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3086

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By OUCH. - 17/11/2011 21:27 - United States

Today, I got my braces off. I also got my tongue pierced. Both by my orthodontist. FML

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41446

You deserved it

3396

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By Arlbethere - 25/2/2011 12:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I attended the wrong funeral. I spent twenty minutes trying to hide and walk away without being too conspicuous. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29217

You deserved it

8554

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By watch_corn_dance - 8/4/2014 02:13 - United States - Pontiac

Today, I was being shown how to use a nail gun while applying for a job at a construction company. The instructor shot me in the arm with it. I didn't even get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49951

You deserved it

3531

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By Mommy - 29/9/2010 22:47 - United States

Today, my daughter watched a potty training video on Sesame Street. In the middle of the video, she got up and ran to her potty to practice. She then announced, "All done!", and proudly closed the lid to her potty. She then immediately stood on top of it and peed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28400

You deserved it

3594

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By TalkDirtyToMe - 10/10/2014 19:33 - New Zealand

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk dirty to my boyfriend, after he promised not to laugh at me. All seemed well, until I heard laughter. It wasn't him, though; it was his family listening from the other room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45868

You deserved it

7410

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By Tyler - 3/9/2012 09:37 - Australia - Killara

Today, I was walking down the street when I had a coughing fit. The next thing I know I'm being pushed about by a group of guys who were smoking, because they thought I was coughing deliberately to send them a message about smoking being bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26055

You deserved it

1897

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By my gran is a cuntwaffle - 26/9/2013 20:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my gran came over for dinner, for which I had to go grab some supplies from the supermarket. I guess I should have locked my laptop, because when I came back, I found my gran had used my Facebook account to propose to my now-ecstatic girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47397

You deserved it

6357

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By I tried - 9/4/2020 17:00

Lockdown is driving us down

Today, my husband went on a tirade, accusing me of bullying and being too hard on our kids. Apparently, I’m taking this homeschool thing too serious, and I need to cut them a break. All I did was make them write their letters and numbers on paper instead of just using their tablets. Yeah, real mean. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1836

You deserved it

151

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By M_Kclift1994 - 20/1/2010 23:19 - United States

Today, I fell asleep after finishing my exam. I had a dream I was falling and woke up smashing my face on the desk. Everyone laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26623

You deserved it

8431

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 23:12 - United States

Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

266501

You deserved it

28395

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By notmyday - 25/2/2009 23:26 - United States

Today, we were fooling around and I was just about to orgasm when she looks at my clock and says "I have to go LOST is on in 20 minutes." FML

I agree, your life sucks

69851

You deserved it

8907

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By social anxiety my a** - 18/3/2013 14:17 - Switzerland - Zurich

Today, after three years with my boyfriend hardly ever going to any social or public event with me due to his social anxiety, I got to witness him improve his flirting skills on every girl available at his house party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37569

You deserved it

4179

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By Monsieur-Madame - 31/5/2012 20:19 - France - Courtisols

Today, I found out that my colleagues had replaced my email auto-responder with a message saying, "I'm away for two weeks in Brazil. Due to the surgery, when I return, please address me by my new name: Crystal." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33530

You deserved it

3168

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By momoftheyearedition - 9/7/2015 03:13 - United States - Landenberg

Today, my 5-year-old won't stop princess-waving at people. This would be fine, but she looks exactly like she is giving the Nazi salute. I got dirty looks from nearly everyone at the supermarket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25488

You deserved it

2326

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By titou - 5/1/2009 03:33 - France

Today, well, last night, I told my girlfriend that I'm a light sleeper, and that the slightest disturbance will wake me up. As a result, this morning when I looked in the mirror I noticed a bunch of stuff written all over my body, like "You see, you didn't wake up!", "Nor now!". FML

I agree, your life sucks

9678

You deserved it

32441

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By arh - 28/8/2012 00:10 - Australia - Newport

Today, I wore an expensive vintage blazer which I'd purchased at a market in Paris. Turns out my colleague has the exact same one, only hers is from a clearance rack at Target. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23577

You deserved it

8760

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By weeks - 19/8/2009 04:41 - United States

Today, my mom explained to me that looking up gay porn on the internet is bad. I didn't look up gay porn. The only other person who uses the laptop is my dad. I couldn't tell her the truth and had to pretend I enjoy gay fanfiction. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60258

You deserved it

5493

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By customerservicesucks - 26/5/2010 04:26 - Canada

Today, I spent half an hour on the phone with a woman who was yelling at the top of her lungs, sobbing uncontrollably and hyperventilating. She also told me if she had a heart attack and died from crying, it was all my fault. Why? I told her she needed her receipt to have her T.V. repaired. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34882

You deserved it

2995

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By sociallyanxiousroomie - 19/4/2016 10:22 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my roommates had a party while I stayed in my room, and that was fine by me. What was not fine was when a stranger broke into my room, asked to lay next to me, and then just went ahead and did it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20411

You deserved it

1608

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2014 20:28 - United States - Galesburg

Today, my clingy girlfriend refused to leave me alone long enough for me to read an article about dealing with clingy girlfriends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45982

You deserved it

6483

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By hahahaha090114 - 30/1/2010 18:59 - United States

Today, I found out I was getting a divorce. My wife is leaving me for my brother, saying that now that he has money there is nothing that can stand in their way. I recently decided to send him money to help him get back on his feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45007

You deserved it

2996

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By tawan - 4/12/2009 16:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I set off a fire alarm in school. I was taken to the head teacher's office, where he said that though he was shocked at my behavior, it was nice to see me being more like regular students and trying to fit in, instead of isolating myself as usual. I was shoved into the fire alarm by bullies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44777

You deserved it

3012

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2020 08:00

No thanks, mom

Today, my crazed and very hormonal pregnant mother told me that I should get pregnant too, so that we can be "preggo buddies." I'm 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1983

You deserved it

111

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By NoTypeOfExercise - 11/7/2016 15:05 - United States - Encino

Today, my husband told me I couldn't go to my morning yoga class, because he needed to leave for work at 7:30 am sharp, and I wouldn't be back in time to watch our son. It's 8:05 am and he still hasn't left for work. FML

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14221

You deserved it

1421

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Top comments

By randomnobody0622 | 6

#7864692 - Friday 6 December 2019 5:12

im about to puke

By mooshake | 15

#7864827 - Friday 6 December 2019 15:20

That’s so nasty 🤮

COMMENTS

By randomnobody0622 | 6

#7864692 - Friday 6 December 2019 5:12

im about to puke

By zahidnasir | 22

#7864719 - Friday 6 December 2019 7:36

How was the taste of the food?

By Nimesh Priyodit | 11

#7864748 - Friday 6 December 2019 10:07

Also imagine every time she fed you something which you found delicious

By mooshake | 15

#7864827 - Friday 6 December 2019 15:20

That’s so nasty 🤮

By Bevis Butthead | 4

#7864853 - Friday 6 December 2019 18:36

NASTY HO!

By jac_1964_au | 23

#7864917 - Saturday 7 December 2019 1:25

Yuk

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7864937 - Saturday 7 December 2019 7:01

There is honestly no excuse for this. Even kindergartners are taught to wash their hands after using the bathroom. Not doing so is just gross and lazy. Just... wtf why?