Mom's A Savage
Happy Mother's Day, dear people of FML!
Today is devoted to the mother figures in our lives. Whether it be your birth mother, your grandmother, your step-mother, your mother-in-law, a fairy godmother, your adopted mother, your friend's mom who was more of a mom to you than your own, your older sister who took care of you because your actual mother was a crackhead (like Fiona from Shameless), Mother Willow, Mother Teresa, Mother Goose, or Mother Earth, we've all got someone or something to honor today.
Sure, our moms are there to pick us up when we're down and often they're our number one fans. But let’s be honest, they can also be complete, total savages. What do they care? They don’t owe you anything. You literally only exist because they grew you inside their bodies. Let them be the beasts they are.
So here's to you, moms! In your honor, here are 10 moms fresh outta fucks to give.
Today, my mom came in to hug me while I was sleeping, or so I thought. I woke up and tried to hug her back, only to find she had wrapped a tape measure around me. She was trying to measure my bust size to win a bet. FML
Today, I had to close my eyes in shame and pretend I didn't exist, as my mom gave a cop a good look at her wrinkled, prune-like cleavage and tried to convince him that the speed limit is optional. FML
Today, I had 3 teeth pulled. Due to the anaesthesia, my mom came along to drive me home. Halfway through my surgery, she decided to leave and go shopping with her friend. She even left a note with the receptionist, saying that I needed to take on my own adult responsibilities. FML
One last thing:
Though perhaps not all of us have had our birth moms in our lives, can we just take a second to recognize how mind-blowingly cool it is that a human grew us inside them? Sorcercery! Guys, at one point we were all just little seedlings germinating on our mothers' tum-tums!
To the FMLers who've had babies, kudos. That's some prime magic you pulled off.
P.S. If you're reading this, love ya mumikins! -Nina