May The Fourth Be With You

18307

31071

Today, my best friend came over for dinner and a movie. Moments after arriving, she spent an hour on the phone, and ended up accepting another invitation before leaving. I guess it's dinner for one tonight. FML

By Username - 23/1/2011 18:44 - United States

29147

2595

Today, my mother got a call from our old high school saying that they had fifteen freshmen boys in his office with a nude photo of me on their phones. I had sent that photo only to my boyfriend. Apparently he loves to share me. FML

By fmlisthebomb - 1/3/2009 06:58 - United States

32124

88877

Today, I'm going on an 8 hour drive with my insane family. This usually means screaming arguments, graphic conversations about my dad's pubes, some karaoke, plenty of farting, some stale Pringles, and an obese golden retriever on my lap the entire time. Arizona, here we come. FML

By fmmlll - 18/10/2010 08:56 - United States

32350

4063

Today, my 12-year-old son came home after a week with his father. He was still wearing the same socks and underwear I sent him out with. FML

By M. Moore - 10/6/2019 18:00

1998

164

Today, my boyfriend bought me a voice personalized build-a-bear. I thought he was going to propose to me through it, only to press the foot of the bear and hear "we should break up" instead. FML

By samgonzalessb - 14/12/2009 17:00 - United States

41223

3809

Today, my husband decided to put different condiments on my body to make our sex better. I was thinking whipped cream; he was feeling ketchup. FML

By Anonymous - 25/1/2014 12:28 - United States - Berkeley

Taste test

58454

6569

Today, my friend stole my phone to call the creepy boy that follows me around at school. I wouldn't have been so bothered if she hadn't had phone sex with him, all while pretending to be me. He got so into it, he now thinks we're a couple. FML

By Username - 27/3/2011 18:09 - United States

51776

6307

Today, I was talking to a friend of mine over webcam, when I saw a scary looking man in a grey hoodie creeping around in the background. I loudly proclaimed "Paige! Who is that creepy looking guy behind you?" Turns out it was her mom. She heard everything. FML

By Sursion - 12/11/2009 17:34 - Canada

26765

10484

Today, my girlfriend came home and announced that she'd just bought a $40 pair of flipflops. She then declared that I wouldn't be getting a birthday gift this year due to budget shortfalls. For hers a month prior, I'd got her a $300 piece of jewelry. FML

By flyakite29 - 20/7/2009 16:36 - United States

48484

5383

Today, my dad had something to tell me. He'd cleaned out my bank account to pay off 38,000 dollars worth of gambling debt. My wedding is in 5 months. FML

By MadSon - 11/10/2009 02:59 - United States

51867

4084

Today, I fell asleep in English and drooled on my test. Evidently everyone noticed. FML

By Erin - 15/1/2009 15:05 - United States

8341

20552

Today, I spilled my heart out to a guy by showing him one of my poetry journals. He read through it and said, "Wow, I feel sorry for the guy you wrote about." The poems were all about how I loved him. FML

By storyofmylife - 23/8/2009 02:41 - United States

33088

7940

Today, the moment after hitting "confirm payment" for my boyfriend's valentine gift (along with some sexy lingerie for the occasion) on a shopping app, my period tracker app popped up to let me know I'll be well into my period on the 14th. I'm getting cockblocked by mother nature herself. FML

By - 5/2/2017 13:00 - United States - Modesto

7304

1089

Today, after my daughter told half her class about my retainer, I advised her to keep mummy's personal details personal. Now she responds, "I'm not supposed to tell" to any question regarding our home life. Thus far, I've received six very concerned calls. FML

By Anonymous - 28/6/2015 05:13 - United States - Corona

25864

2591

Today, I'm staying at my boyfriend's house and things were getting heated when he got a call from one of his mates wanting to play Counter Strike. Next thing I know, I'm laying in bed by myself listening to him rage. FML

By The_Life - 12/10/2016 13:26 - Australia - Sydney

11895

1253

Today, as part of our prank war, my girlfriend found a hairy tarantula picture and stuck it on the wall. I hadn't yet told her I'm arachnophobic, and when I saw it I passed out and hit my head hard enough to need an ambulance. She decided she's won the war and I don't get a say in the matter. FML

By Anonymous - 24/8/2018 15:00

She definitely won though.

2526

739

Today, while on lunch break, my fat, old co-worker walked into the break-room. I managed to block out his perverted heavy breathing, but had to leave when he began emitting a terrible odor that smelled like cheesy, sweaty molding feet. I barely held onto my lunch. FML

By Brendan - 19/2/2011 21:23 - Canada

28862

4121

Today, the power went out at work. As everyone left the building to go home, the owner came in to inform me that, since the phones were on a battery back up, I would be staying to man them. The phones rang 2 times in the 4 hours I sat in the dark by myself. Both times were telemarketers. FML

By devakii - 16/10/2009 17:27 - United States

35129

2280

Today, I went to check if my neighbours were home to return their dog, having looked after her for a few days. I looked in the window and the place was empty. They'd moved house and stuck us with their dog. FML

By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 05:16 - Canada

33413

3553

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. How you may ask? He used the adult swim "we should see other people" commercial. FML

By internetloser - 16/8/2017 16:15 - United States - Kewaskum

3470

271

Today, I discovered my boyfriend prays before and after sex, because he thinks he'll keep his abstinence by doing so. FML

By Anonymous - 28/11/2010 23:49 - United States

33214

4879

Today, I woke up from surgery to have my appendix removed, only to be told by my wife it didn’t happen because my appendix was healthy. It turns out my intense pain was a rancid fart that lasted nearly 10 whole seconds while I was asleep and cut open on the operating table. FML

By Anonymous - 17/4/2018 15:00

4523

474

Today, while at my job in a candy store, a boy stuck his hand into the bin, contaminating the candy. As I politely explained that the dad had to purchase the affected candy he refused, yelled, then angrily agreed to buy them. The total cost of the candy with the extra pieces? $1.69. FML

By ilovemypup - 31/10/2016 11:20

10791

756

Today, I decided to be a generous guy and slip a dollar from my pocket to a beggar. Turns out I'd slipped my hard-earned $100 bill instead. FML

By Pimaan - 26/10/2011 16:14 - United States

22680

35790

Today, a girl who's in charge of a group project that I get graded on, asked if Bill Gates was a Founding Father. She was totally serious. I'm screwed. FML

By Anonymous - 29/9/2013 17:23 - United States - Philadelphia

43284

2860

Today, after finishing a bottle and a half of pure cranberry juice to flush my bladder for a possible infection, I've been spewing liquid shits all day, my asshole burns and it hurts to sit. FML

By Anonymous - 26/10/2015 04:42

23443

5702

Today, at work, a three year old chucked a chocolate bar at me. It hit me square in the face. Her father praised her for her "quality arm." FML

By tenthousandspoon - 13/9/2010 00:08 - New Zealand

27748

3026

Today, I went to a fancy beauty parlor to prepare for my sister's birthday party. The minute I stepped out of the salon, with my hair beautifully trimmed and curled, a bird decided to use it as a toilet. FML

By poophead - 30/5/2015 02:39 - Philippines

29653

2517

Today, my clingy girlfriend refused to leave me alone long enough for me to read an article about dealing with clingy girlfriends. FML

By Anonymous - 24/3/2014 20:28 - United States - Galesburg

45987

6484

Today, I caught my wife slipping penis enlargement pills into my coffee. FML

By ThisBlows - 21/9/2011 17:20 - United States

51121

8784

Today, was my birthday. Today was also the day that my mom's cat died four years ago. She was too busy crying and looking at old photos of her beloved cat to even wish me a happy birthday. FML

By Birthday girl - 6/1/2013 05:59 - United States - Wahpeton

30139

2373

Today, I learned that because I clean everything in my roommate's house and keep the lights low to save energy, and respect him and do things in the proper way I was raised, he and his friends and girlfriend think I’m weird and won’t speak to me. FML

By rahhhnnnn - 25/4/2020 02:00

You can't win sometimes

1562

228

Today, I found out that the little arrow next to my gas gauge actually points to the side of the car where the tank is. For the past year-and-a-half I've been sticking my head out the window and even calling my parents to ask which side it was on, because I can never remember. FML

By Anonymous - 26/2/2014 07:18 - United States - Littleton

18236

51118

Today, the woman I'm training at work asked, while staring intently at the keyboard, "now, which one of these buttons is the space-bar again?" She is 80 years old, types about 1 word per minute, and I have just one week to get her completely trained. FML

By jhftrainer23 - 5/8/2011 14:42 - United States

32704

2846

Today, I was about to go out and get some groceries, but the moment I slammed the door I realized my keys were still inside. My inner caveman instincts told me to immediately break down the door, so now I have to get a doorknob replacement instead of food. FML

By Tom Riddle - 19/12/2016 12:24 - Philippines

5285

2227

Today, I received 7 notifications on facebook. Girls in my grade were commenting on my photo because they knew the location of it. They then started to have a conversation and they planned a whole social event. On my photo. I wasn't invited. FML

By laurraaa - 11/7/2009 19:27 - United States

52359

4327

Today, I attended my 10-year high school reunion. My ex-husband's new wife showed up in the same dress as mine. I guess both the dress and my ex-husband look better on her. FML

By ugly - 3/9/2012 08:17 - United States

31081

2567

Today, I was in a busy airport bathroom with my three year old son. While in the process of pulling my pants down, my son decided to open the stall door. I jumped up to yank the door closed but not before the line of waiting women saw me with my pants wrapped around my ankles. FML

By doody - 30/12/2010 22:42 - United States

28119

4248

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after my check cleared for my half of the $1000 deposit on our new apartment. FML

By Anonymous - 23/5/2012 06:26 - United States

25142

2351