May The Fourth Be With You

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Today, due to my allergies I can't stop sneezing. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for my hemorrhoids making each sneeze feel like I'm getting a cactus shoved up my ass. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Livingston

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3850

Today, I was working at the hospital front desk when an elderly man started hurling racial slurs at another visitor. A fight broke out, so I stepped in and forcibly separated the two. The old man tripped and crashed to the floor. Now I'm under investigation for "contributing to workplace violence." FML

By Anonymous - Canada

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2822

Today, I went to meet my boyfriend for a walk. It's our anniversary, and I hadn't seen him in over a month because of the quarantine, so we agreed to meet, as long as we had the proper safety gear and were careful. On my way to meet him, I drove past a park. In it were twelve half-naked teenagers playing volleyball. FML

By wtf_are_people_doing

Stay safe, stay home FFS!

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318

Today, a driver stole the parking space I was about to pull into. I politely asked him to move. He had a go at me, so I kick his car twice, in front of a few witnesses. The car is fine. I ripped two ligaments in my foot and I'll have a cast for a month. FML

By Kikinovak - France

8038

41036

Today, I went into my room and found a plastic snake on the floor. I yelled out to my sister, "Good one, Ellen!" I picked up the snake to take it to show her. The snake started moving in my hands and bit me. I had to go to the hospital. FML

By olive_costume - Australia

36634

8034

Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I received was a bill for a piss test I took earlier this year. FML

By birthday girl - United States - Toledo

41814

4155

Today, I got into a fistfight with a complete idiot wearing a panda outfit. My face now looks like a real panda's. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Brampton

34436

17574

Today, I pulled out an annoying nose hair with a tweezer and it made me cry. Not particularly painful but it triggered the tear duct. Had to pretend it was from yawning when someone asked why the teary eye. FML

By Anonymous - 3/2/2021 18:30 - United States - Pittsburgh

What's more embarrassing?

564

193

Today, I went to check if my neighbours were home to return their dog, having looked after her for a few days. I looked in the window and the place was empty. They'd moved house and stuck us with their dog. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

33448

3556

Today, I found out my new Commanding Officer is my ex-wife's new boyfriend. We're going on a two year tour at sea in two weeks. The reason we got a divorce is that she couldn't handle being tied down with someone in the Navy. FML

By Drunken Sailor - United States

52654

3418

Today, I found out the hard way that everyone in my dorm knows I watch My Little Pony. FML

By Brony - United States

13522

43300

Today, I had to proofread a document my boss had written. When I pointed out that he spelled "college" as "collage" multiple times, he angrily accused me of trying to make him look stupid. This is the guy who constantly boasts about his "genius" IQ level to the whole office. FML

By cunting cuntface of a boss - Australia

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3460

Today, my wife paid a man with a fake crystal and an even faker accent to investigate the creakiness of our apartment complex floors. $300 later, she told me he'd found a "sinkhole of chi energy" and that the building may collapse if we don't pay him to disperse it. I want a divorce. FML

By Anonymous - Croatia - Zagreb

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3392

Today, I went to apply for classes at a college my parents signed me up to do dual credit with. Too bad they used my sister's social security number so I don't get credit for my old classes and my new application got thrown out. FML

By ShinedownCM

2928

223

Today, I walked outside to get the newspaper and slipped on the icy driveway. Because I was wearing boxers and a robe, my legs got all scraped up. After much cursing, I got the paper and went inside. The headline read "Caution: Icy Conditions". FML

By qwerty - United States

52130

9107

Today, my "friends" and I were supposed to go out to eat to celebrate finishing the last day of school, but with a full day of work first, I decided to go buy them donuts. They decided to ditch me while I was gone, and go early. FML

By Bambi113 - United States - Pittsburgh

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904

Today, my mom was more upset about my 67 on an Algebra test than my sister almost setting the house on fire. FML

By xXMudkipNoobXx - United States

28927

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Today, I came home to my mother, wife, sister, and certain family members cussing me out. My daughter and niece told them that I took them to visit and pray at The Church of Satan. Girls! It's The Church of Saint Anne! FML

By Bad Uncle

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426

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on. My boyfriend noticed that every time I'm about to climax, I hit my head on something. Whether it's a wall or his face. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he tried to put his hand inside my pants. I didn't want it to be that easy so I denied, but he insisted a lot and I finally let him. He started to sing "We Are The Champions." FML

By queen - Brazil

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24192

Today, a guy asked for my number. He used the rather annoying "You know, this iPhone has everything... but you know the only thing that's missing is your number." I might have given it to him, if he did have the iPhone, not the makeshift box of Mini Wheat Thins he had in his hand. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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5851

Today, my 5-year-old nephew had the most amazing idea: to play a game with my keys. He took out all ten keys individually and hid them around the house. So far it's been two hours and I haven't found a single one. FML

By idislikeblanks - United States - Lathrop

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4094

Today, while working the register, I told a kid his total was $2.15. He then took his shoe off and handed me his money. It was damp. FML

By Ewwwww

1938

101

Today, I found out I've been misspelling my middle name for 25 years. FML

By figures - United States

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Today, as I was walking home, three burly men suddenly began to approach me. Thinking they were going to mug me, I reached for my pocketknife and said "Stay away, I have a knife." Turns out they just wanted directions to an ice cream shop for their daughters, who were now bawling their eyes out. FML

By almostmugged - United States

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55080

Today, my dog vomited a writhing mass of maggots. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever smelled, and I was baffled as to where she found a maggot infested dead thing to eat. Baffled, until my mom reminded me that my cat has been missing, presumed dead, for over a week. FML

By wormsmeat - Canada - Kingston

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1749

Today, my fiancé finally was able secure a PS5, which I told him I'd get for Christmas. Due to high demand, I didn't think he'd be able to get it till next week or so. He bought it last night while I was sleeping. I have to pay my car insurance tomorrow. FML

By Marea90h - 25/11/2020 16:58

Money management

725

291

Today, I turned in an essay after staying up late to work on it. I was away when the teacher assigned it, so I'd asked my friend what the subject was. It transpires that she'd given me the wrong one, all because she was mad at me for not returning her pencil. FML

By oh dang /:

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7528

Today, our AC broke. It's 98 degrees inside the house. My parents will be staying at a 5 star resort until the repairman can come to fix the unit in 6 days. They made me stay home to make sure the plants survive. FML

By Username - United States

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3073

Today, after an entire year spent in physical therapy recovering from three knee surgeries, I finally returned to doing light agility exercises and running on a treadmill. When I told my therapist I had never been so happy and proud, he responded with, "This usually only takes 5 months, pussy." FML

By AnonymousAndSad - United States - Waukon

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7822

Today, I was eating with a friend while walking on the sidewalk. A couple of pigeons were bothering us so I threw a fry onto the street. As a flock of pigeons were gathering around the fry, a truck drove by. Only four survived. FML

By anonymous - United States

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Today, I went to the hospital due to vomiting and abdominal pain, and they decided to fit me with an IV drip. It took several tries by two different people to get the cannula in. I feel like a human pin-cushion. FML

By Anonymous - Japan - Yokohama

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Today, my mom introduced me to everyone we met as her "special needs child." They all seemed to believe her. FML

By BDSarah

Special

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117

Today, I was applying for jobs online when my father called. When I told him what I was doing, he said in all seriousness that I should just be a sugar baby. I said he must be joking, but he replied, "Honey, if I had your tits, I'd never work a day in my life." 5ML

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I asked my parents if I had a college fund because I will be going to university in two years. They laughed. FML

By Anonymous

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Today, I went to a job interview at a small family-owned business. After the interview, the owner's son took me into his office and told me I'm not getting the job and to get out, because apparently, the old man thinks I'm "possessed by a demon". FML

By Anonymous - United States - Raleigh

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Today, Hurricane Ophelia hit. I had been meaning to fix my roof for a while but couldn't get around to it. My roof is now embedded in my car. FML

By Jodie Zawadzka

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Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. After dessert, he went to the bathroom so I quickly called the waiter over and paid the bill, thinking it was a nice gesture. When he returned, he broke up with me for "emasculating" him. FML

By Clementine - Australia - Saint Kilda

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Today, I was finally able to see my gran for the first time since lockdown. She told me off for not visiting sooner. FML

By Anonymous - 1/8/2020 14:00

I've been… held up

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