By Anonymous - 5/12/2020 23:01

Looking good

Today, I was at a grocery store buying ice cream after the tragedy of losing my grandma. When I got to the cash register, the cashier saw the sadness in my eyes and said, "It's OK, you'll find the one someday, one that can look at your inner beauty and not care about the rest." He thought I'd got broken up with. FML

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There's no helping some people

Commando

Ideal first date

By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, in the "end-of-the-world" spirit, I asked my boyfriend to marry me. His response was, "It's really windy out." FML

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By meikd423 - France

Today, I walked in on my mom taking nude pictures of herself in the kitchen, with only a Santa hat on. FML

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By jam - 27/7/2020 08:01

Is that even legal?

Today, my boss told me that I'm being terminated. Apparently, being pregnant means I was going to quit soon anyway, so there's no point. Now I have to get job so I don't get deported. FML

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By woopdeedo_1 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party and crashed on the bedroom floor. I woke up to sex noises coming from the bed. I pretended to still be asleep. I sent a text to my boyfriend to tell him about it. I heard his phone beep from over in the bed. FML

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By Steve - New Zealand

Today, I had a car accident. In the same place, at the same time, and with the same friend in the passenger seat as last week. FML

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By skinny dipper - United States

Today, I was caught skinny dipping by the police. With the arresting officer's daughter. FML

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By fuckparents - United States

Drama!

Today, my distraught mom called me, saying my dad had killed himself and to come home right away. After cussing out my math teacher for trying to stop me and rushing back home in a taxi, I ran into the living room, only to find my parents laughing so hard they were practically in tears. FML

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By CoffeeStained - United States - Richmond

Today, I set my cup of coffee down on the stall floor to take care of my business. A hand reached under the stall door and took my coffee. I yelled to give it back, calling them obscene names. Moments later, my fresh coffee came flying over the door. I'm burned from my head to my legs. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Blacktown

Today, I won a game of Monopoly against my girlfriend. She reacted by sweeping the board off the table, storming out the front door, and mowing down my mailbox driving away. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, my 16-year-old daughter burned all her baby photos because they were unflattering and made her "look fat". FML

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By Crippled - United States

Today, my parents bought me an alarm clock that runs away from you while beeping obnoxiously when you hit snooze. I just had ankle surgery and am unable to walk. FML

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By wellalrightythen - United States - Hobart

Today, I boarded a plane. A woman decided that she didn't like where she put her carry on luggage and pulled it out from over my head. The heavy luggage then fell right into my face, the wheel smacking me in the mouth busting my lip open. She just laughed and waltzed away without a word. FML

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By Poser - Canada

Today, I was at a bar and met this great guy. He was going outside for a smoke and I wanted to go too. Since I don't smoke, I decided to borrow one of my friends cigarettes as an excuse to go outside with him. As I was lighting the cigarette, he pointed out that I was lighting the wrong end. FML

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By mylovelifeisanepicfail - United Kingdom - London

Today, I discovered that the man I have been talking to on a dating site is actually my ex-boyfriend. He created a fake profile and made me fall for someone that doesn't exist. We got on better anonymously than we ever did in 3 years together. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, I went to McDonalds and ordered a happy meal with a girl's toy. The high school girls behind the counter said I was too old to be served one, and I had to go home and explain to my sick daughter why she didn't get her toy. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend decided to fart in our bathtub to see if it would echo. It wasn’t a fart. FML

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By thekriss - France - Paris

Today, after my shift at the police station, I went on a date with a girl I recently met. We had a great date, that is until I opened the car door for her, and out of habit, pushed down on her head as she got in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, the new security guard of my apartment building tackled me for "suspicious behavior" while I was taking a bag full of dirty kitty litter to the trash chute. He broke my arm and cause the trash bag to explode. When I got back from the hospital, I was fined for littering in the hallway. FML

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By ???

Today, I finally had the guts to tell my mom about her boyfriend hitting on me. Not only did she not care, but she got mad at me. I'm 15. FML

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By child abused - United States - New York

Not helping.

Today, my neighbor's pesky 7-year-old daughter, who is friends with the guy I really like, decided to help me with him. She used her phone to send him a picture of me. I was in the shower, completely naked and surprised. FML

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By Username

Today, I called a possible employer I had an interview with about a week ago to see if I had got the job that I have already been trained for. Her response? "Are you sure I interviewed you?" FML

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By cancerfreak - United States

Today, my town had a carnival to raise money for cancer. I ran a kissing booth, when a really cute guy came up paid his $20, looked at me, and said "not even for cancer." He took his money and left. FML

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By explosiveBAM - United States

Today, I was texting at work when my manager walked in. I quickly dropped my phone in the garbage to avoid trouble. Since I was working so hard, she decided to do me a favor and throw the trash out for me. FML

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By notafan - United States

Today, I was at a baseball game. This kid in front of me had binoculars and was constantly shouting. Trying to amuse the girl next to me, I leaned over and said, "That kid probably has wet dreams about baseball." She got up and said to the kid, "Come on honey, we're leaving." FML

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By that guy - United States

Today, I realized the only reason my phone ever rings is because someone needs help with their computer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, I discovered the downside to having a "sneak-attacks-allowed" tickle war with my 4-year-old son. I had to explain to several outraged strangers at the supermarket why my son kept flinching and pulling away whenever I made any sudden movements near him. FML

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By Drill Drilled - United States - Lake Elsinore

Today, I tripped while rushing to my classes. In a desperate attempt to regain my balance, I grabbed the nearest thing to me. A fire alarm. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Zwijndrecht

Today, I was rehearsing for a school play. My drama teacher keeps criticising the part where I fake-trip, saying I make it look terribly fake. During today's rehearsal, I actually tripped for real, and smashed my kneecaps against the floor with a scream. He still said my "acting" sucked. FML

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By momac86 - United States

Today, I lost a sewing needle in the carpet. No worries, my big toe found it. FML

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By daycare worker - United States - Houston

Today, I told my 4-year-old daughter that when she grew up she could work at a daycare, like me, to help all of the little kids like her. She started crying because she thought it was a bad job to have. FML

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By annoyed teen - United States - Boise

Today, I had to work at the restaurant instead of going to the prom, which nobody asked me out to. For five hours, I got to shamefully greet and seat people on their way home from the prom, all of whom knew I was too lame to get asked out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom tells my sister that she is worried about her because she has a headache and feels like she might be getting a slight cold. I have had the flu for two weeks and have a 103 degree fever. I ask, "What about me?" Her response? "Stay away from your sister." FML

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By FailedEngineer - Australia

Today, I lost my house keys while staggering home drunk, so I decided to climb through an opened window and promptly went to bed. Twenty minutes later the police wake me up while attempting to search my place. The neighbors thought I was a burglar and called the cops. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got to experience the horror of my wife's pregnancy. She woke me up abruptly at 5 am by throwing up all over me due to her terrible morning sickness, then ate pickles covered in mayonnaise, and later dropped to the floor sobbing when I told her we were out of dog food. FML

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By Grossed_out - United States

Today, I had to listen to a girl who just came back from the bathroom, talk about the "gigantic massive dump" she took, and even held her hands up to show the size. FML

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By fluent in two, unlike you - Mexico

Today, the feedback my teacher wrote on my English assignment was so horrible that it took me half an hour and help from both my parents to decipher it. It turned out to be a scathing criticism of my "poor communication skills". I hate my teachers. FML

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By Unfortunately Me - United States - San Jose

Today, I was asked to go to a ball by the guy I like. The theme is masquerade. He made me a Robin mask; he's wearing a Batman mask. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2020 02:02 - United States - New York

Stable genius

Today, I went on a short date with a new girl in the office, who everyone thought was a tad bit odd. Also today, she showed me the names of our future children. FML

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By Anonymous

Check your head

Today, while watching a movie on my iPad, a really cute girl sat next to me. Suddenly, everyone on the bus started clapping. I started to clap very loudly as well, asking the girl why we were clapping. She gave me a strange look. I then realized the applause was coming from my headphones. FML

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By David - 15/8/2020 17:07

No wings

Today, I was at work and got chest pains and a headache so bad, I vomited. My supervisor took my blood pressure twice and it was dangerously high both times. I went to the hospital, and after 3 hours of waiting, I got the most expensive lecture ever on drinking too many energy drinks. FML

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Top comments

By lev | 11

#7956248 - Sunday 6 December 2020 7:18

at least he had good intentions.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7956237 - Sunday 6 December 2020 5:24

And he thought you were not particularly attractive.*

No one comments on the inner beauty of outwardly beautiful people. It's assumed that some of it must leak inside.

*I was thinking fugly, but some might think that's mean.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7956237 - Sunday 6 December 2020 5:24

And he thought you were not particularly attractive.*

No one comments on the inner beauty of outwardly beautiful people. It's assumed that some of it must leak inside.

*I was thinking fugly, but some might think that's mean.

By lev | 11

#7956248 - Sunday 6 December 2020 7:18

at least he had good intentions.

Reply

kfchicken_fml | 31

#7956449 - Monday 7 December 2020 2:28

I'm pretty sure he called her ugly to her face

By DarkAngelsBlade | 25

#7956907 - Wednesday 9 December 2020 9:02

I hope to god you blubbered out a "my grandma died" and started wailing. Free ice cream.