Lifting Fail

Today, while at family dinner, my boyfriend got drunk and told my entire family the things I do in bed. FML

Family values

Child labor

Bad boys, bad boys…

By Anonymous - United States

38670

5531

Today, I was at a store when I saw a cute girl from my school. Trying to act cool, I went to hold the door for her. Too bad it was an automatic door. FML

By Anonymous - 15/3/2020 18:07

Alexa, play "Mr Loverman" by Shabba Ranks

772

1003

Today, my roommate decided to turn off all appliances in the house to "save" electricity. This included the refrigerator. FML

By Jograd - Australia - Sydney

25745

1669

Today, at the pool, a kid no older than 8 was sitting on the diving board, not letting anyone else use it. I went over and tried to reason with him, but he wouldn't listen. My uncle stormed over, said "I got this!" and punted him over the edge. We both got thrown out for "bullying" the kid. FML

By JuggaloSlasher15 - United States

51640

6752

Today, I was at an outdoor market with my family. We'd had dinner and were about to leave when 2 women stood next to our table, smoking. We called out to let them know they could have it, as we were leaving. They thought we were complaining about the smoke. They yelled at us and stormed off, while the other tables stared. FML

By Anonymous

1344

157

Today, I had a long conversation with my fiancé about how smoking menthol cigarettes is not a substitute for brushing your teeth. He still isn't convinced. FML

By Anonymous - United States

28224

3706

Today, I enjoyed my favourite pizza topped with jalapeños for an extra kick. I later got to feel that kick a second time as I vomited in the middle of the night. Some came out my nose. FML

By StillBurning

3624

636

Today, I made a bowl of spaghetti for my girlfriend and me. I tried the move from Lady and the Tramp where the boy and girl both slurp the same piece of spagetti and end up kissing. When I tried it, the spagetti went too down far my throat, and I ended up throwing it up on her. FML

By spitballer1 - United States

49116

28988

Today, my son found a cockroach in his bed. I had to kill the thing and wash all his sheets and stuffed animals before he'd finally agree to go back to bed, three hours later. FML

By tiredmom - United States - Phoenix

11256

1545

Today, we learned that our dog can run and urinate simultaneously. The entire house smells like piss. FML

By anonymous - United States - Rock Hill

24201

2070

Today, I was working the graveyard shift as a security guard. I fell asleep in my car doing paperwork around 2 am. When my supervisor came to check on me, he pounded on my window, wearing a "Scream" mask. I panicked and pepper sprayed him. Too bad my window was closed. FML

By copshop - United States

17254

35903

Today, I woke up with a used condom on my face. Turns out my roommate had sex with his girlfriend during the night and instead of getting up and throwing it away, he decided to throw it across the room. FML

By Jake - United States - Athens

39425

2773

Today, I realized I bought 30 condoms last year. I now have 29. FML

By fuckit - United States

29163

5566

Today, my boyfriend out of the blue told me I wasn't fat, that my stomach was flat and it was only my butt that was big. I thought that this was a compliment. His response? "Not at all". FML

By Noname - United States

29819

2903

Today, my boyfriend told me to stay home, because he wanted to come by to give me a birthday surprise. Later on, he came by, posted a note, rung the bell and left. The note was a break up note. FML

By Lalalala - 6/9/2020 02:02 - United States - Austin

Post-it

1617

Today, an asshat in a Foghorn Leghorn t-shirt let his piece-of-crap mongrel dog do some sort of rain dance on the roof of my car, scratching the paintwork. He was a huge guy, so my backbone left town and I just smiled as if it was cute. FML

By MY CAR - United States

24812

11081

Today, my son finally got a job for the first time in his life. He only did it so he can upgrade his PC and buy Overwatch. He's 24. FML

By Anonymous - Bulgaria - Sofia

12275

3502

Today, I wore a fake wedding ring on my left hand when buying a pregnancy test so the cashier at Walmart wouldn't think I'm a slut. FML

By CheeseyPotatoes - United States

23652

73353

Today, my fiancé told me, that after 7 years together, he is no longer in love with me. Shocked and appalled, I ask him if he has anything else to add. "Happy Birthday". FML

By Nalya - France

35846

2060

Today, on my way home from work, I decided to bring my pregnant wife a bouquet of roses to surprise her. Her response? "Why didn't you get me something useful, like chicken wings, instead?" FML

By Anonymous - United States

46318

10768

Today, I went to a wake. When my dad picked me up, I was still pretty upset. Just when I'd had enough of death, the car hits a raccoon on the way home. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Cleveland

39278

4894

Today, a very drunk woman at the family Christmas party told me she felt terrible that I don't have a mother who cares about me. She is my mother. FML

By anon - United States - Irwin

36118

2486

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me two days before my birthday. Only to make it worse, I found out that he had been texting my mother on how to break up with me. To make it even worse, she was giving him tips. FML

By neta_1996 - United States - Mabelvale

48136

3951

Today, my mom and I went to catch our flight to Jamaica. She ended up being detained and questioned, because she packed hairspray, shampoo, drinks, basically half the shit you're not allowed to have in your luggage. We missed our flight. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Poughkeepsie

25204

2439

Today, I was emptying a bag of grass from my lawn mower when I saw pieces of what used to be a 50 dollar bill. FML

By woodre - United States

35077

6159

Today, I told my boyfriend I love him. His response? "Is that why you have been so clingy and annoying lately?" FML

By jonnah - Canada

32574

5252

Today, when I went to pick up my daughter from preschool, I found out she'd "accidentally" tried to flush her clothes down the toilet while going to the bathroom. FML

By rkl2010 - United States

28392

3429

Today, on the way to work, I pulled over at a postbox to post a letter. I walked up to the box with the letter in one hand, car key in the other. Guess which one I posted. FML

By Posty - United Kingdom

42506

26667

Today, I surprised my girlfriend with roses. She surprised me by getting back together with her ex. FML

By fmylovelife - United States

44384

3420

Today, I found out that my colleagues had replaced my email auto-responder with a message saying, "I'm away for two weeks in Brazil. Due to the surgery, when I return, please address me by my new name: Crystal." FML

By Monsieur-Madame - France - Courtisols

33549

3174

Today, while we were at a work party, I noticed a drunk lady in the mix. I pointed out to my boss how dumb she looked. It was his daughter. FML

By boss_daughter - United States

28500

14156

Today, I went to get my first manicure. While waiting, I looked at the menu board. When I wondered aloud: "I know what a French manicure is, but what on Earth is a Polish change?" The whole place started laughing and I guess I'm not going back. FML

By Manu - United States - Columbia

5683

1559

Today, I was the only employee at a video store where I work when it got robbed. After crying, shaking and spending two hours and dealing with the police, my boss called and told me it was good experience and I would know what to do next time, then made me finish my shift, the night shift, alone. FML

By HP_22 - United States

44588

3273

Today, I was getting picked up by my dad after I had been swimming. I saw his car, so I walked over to it, got in and started talking about how I'd seen my brother. It wasn't until after I had put my seat belt on that I realized I was talking to a complete stranger. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

20367

29280

Today, I had just gotten a milkshake with some friends. We were about to drive past my ex's house, so I though it would be funny to throw the milkshake in his yard. Turns out, if you're going 50mph and try to throw a shake out the window, it comes right back at you. FML

By Anonymous - United States

7915

103523

Today, I was driving through my neighborhood when I heard a siren. I looked into my rear view mirror and saw a motorcycle, so I pulled over. The motorcycle drove by, and it turned out to be an old lady with a leather jacket. The siren was in a song on the radio. FML

By joshualover - United States

9482

28234

Today, at the supermarket, a woman came up to me and said I looked just like her son, who was killed in Afghanistan. She tearfully asked if she could hug me "one last time". It was a little weird, but I let her. 10 minutes later, at the checkout, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet. FML

By Justin 'Cuntface' Bieber III - United States - Jersey Shore

35573

5248

Today, my friend bought a smartphone and updated his facebook status with it. Two weeks ago he signed an apartment lease with another friend. Four months ago he bought a new handgun. Seven months ago he bought a new TV. He's owed me $300 for a year and a half. FML

By Anonymous - United States

31309

8671

Today, I was eating lunch, and accidentally got ketchup on the sofa, so I hastily doused it with stain remover. The ketchup is now no longer there; however there is a larger stain in its place. I stained the sofa with stain remover. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Sheffield

24191

4709

Today, I was legitimately sick so I called in to work. Apparently, 4 other guys on my line called in too. My boss thought we planned it. Now we're all written up. FML

By Justincredible69 - United States

25855

1506