Lifting Fail

Today, my husband and I attended a funeral. After the service, my phone vibrated. It was a text from my husband, saying "I've got mourning wood like you wouldn't believe! get it? MOURNING. haha :D" I looked up and saw him across the room, winking at me. Not the place, honey. FML

Higher standards

Sister of the year

Thanks, I'm cured!

By jackie89 - 10/8/2014 19:26 - United Kingdom - Redruth

57366

7402

Today, my boss told me to stop giving work to our college intern because it's an embarrassment to have someone who hasn't finished college working for him. This is the same boss who constantly brags about being a high school drop out. FML

By IkeTheIntern - 18/9/2015 20:02 - Canada

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1551

Today, my sister admitted to selling pages of my diary to my old boyfriends. FML

By sisterly love - 14/8/2013 21:13 - United States - Santa Clara

50077

4130

Today, we were running late because my hair got tangled in the curtains. My mother-in-law got so angry, she hacked at it, leaving me with a bald patch, then went and sat in the car as though we were still going anywhere with her. FML

By stumpy - 31/7/2019 18:00

1786

160

Today, during a regular checkup at the dentist, I got a wisdom tooth pulled out which resulted in me looking like a fat hamster. Tomorrow is my first day as an English teacher in high school. FML

By toeloezz - 26/9/2016 18:02 - Netherlands

11943

1230

Today, my 3 year old kid wanted to do something nice. I told him he could pick up some of his toys. He washed my new Iphone instead. FML

By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 14:45 - Norway

57830

7505

Today, I quit my job after two years. Now I have my crazy boss sitting out in front of my house, telling me she wants to work things out. She has been there all day. FML

By Azcrazy - 3/8/2009 17:16 - United States

50371

3988

Today, the director of the play I'm in decided to show us an example of the type of shoes we would be wearing in the show. She brings in a pair of hideous black combat boots, and I remark how ugly they are. They're her own favorite boots. I had to carpool with her after rehearsal. FML

By Boothater - 3/4/2009 05:10 - United States

12500

59908

Today, I had to clean up dirt from flipped-over flowerpot mess for the 100th time. Why? Because the neighbour won’t stop feeding the squirrels peanuts. FML

By Sara - 22/9/2020 07:54 - Canada

Don't feed the animals

565

100

Today, a cashier asked me if I would like to donate to breast cancer research. Since I have already made my donations this month, I politely declined. The cashier snorted and said, "Maybe you'll feel differently if someone you love got cancer." I'm a two-year survivor. FML

By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 09:21 - United States

45806

2426

Today, I didn't get promoted, but the guy who showed up to work drunk a few weeks ago did. FML

By Hmmwtf - 10/12/2009 10:38 - Australia

34921

3039

Today, my best friend whom I have been in love with for years, called me, proposed, and confessed his love for me. He was at a noisy bar so I asked him to call me back later and we'd discuss it. He called back later, hungover, with no recollection of our conversation whatsoever. FML

By Baby_girl - 6/6/2009 02:14 - United States

56910

5236

Today, I found out that my ex-boyfriend stole a pair of my underwear, and still wears them to this day. FML

By anonymous - 22/2/2010 18:11 - Canada

30509

2921

Today, while lying in bed, my boyfriend reached over and pinched my love handles and said "Where did this muffin top come from?". Then he sang "Do you know the muffin man?" to me. FML

By muffingirl - 10/2/2010 12:30 - United Kingdom

29687

8112

Today, I just found out that my brother in law and his wife frequent a swingers establishment that me and the wife have visited. Which is OK I suppose (providing we never see each other there) but he told me his parents go there too. FML

By Disturbed - 30/12/2009 20:27 - United States

28125

6330

Today, my creepy co-worker informed me that he was going to stick his "peeny-weeny" in my "teeny-vageeny". FML

By Teeny - 5/5/2018 05:00

gross

5826

372

Today, I went to a birthday party. A half hour in, a girl started showing me pictures of her cat. That was the high point of the night. FML

By caseyj - 25/3/2011 05:50 - United States

31066

4734

Today, I was hanging out with some friends, and I had to take a dump. After I was done, I realized there was no more toilet paper, so I asked my friends to get me some. They threw in duct tape, sandpaper, and saran wrap, and told me to make a decision. FML

By Anonymous - 22/4/2013 18:33 - United States

54801

8648

Today, I fell asleep and dreamed that I had won $500,000. In my dream, I used this money to buy a new MP3 Player, and then put the rest in a term deposit. Even in my dreams, I'm the most boring person I know. FML

By boring - 10/5/2010 10:14 - New Zealand

33639

7918

Today, my dad texted me while I was in school saying, "Your cat vomited. Covered it up with a bowl so you can clean it when you come home." FML

By coolbeans123 - 10/5/2011 16:37 - Singapore

39396

7658

Today, I live with my mother and realized she goes out with her friends and dates more times a week than I do in a single month. FML

By lousy - 31/1/2009 22:23 - United States

23961

3842

Today, I'm a young, healthy non-smoker, getting plenty of exercise and walking about 8.000 steps a day. I still have ice-cold feet. Even wearing two pairs of socks. And Lambswool boots. In July. FML

By Anonymous - 27/7/2020 23:03

Chilly

1158

153

Today, I was looking through my boyfriends phone, when I found a naked picture of myself. Too bad I haven't sent him any. Ever. FML

By Sunshine.0.ninja - 29/7/2010 18:28 - United States

40664

14775

Today, I was fired from my job for "lack of work". What that means is that my boss hired his good-for-nothing lazy son, who then got too big of a mortgage, and he had to let me go to pay him a higher salary. FML

By Anonymous - 24/6/2018 20:30

3865

187

Today, while at work, a lady with a mustache came in and told me she was lost. I was happy to help, but could not stop rubbing my nose due to allergies. As she left she said, "I know I have a mustache you little ass" and stormed out. FML

By crazyautio - 16/7/2012 04:08 - United States

30697

2870

Today, I waited until the last minute to do my Christmas shopping. Today, I also discovered that my bank account has been frozen due to suspicious activity. FML

By DumbLackofLuck - 22/12/2009 21:54 - United States

28737

8925

Today, I was home on leave and having breakfast with my parents and my younger brothers. I guess I got too used to the rougher language around the Army barracks where I'm stationed. At the breakfast table I asked my Mom to "pass me the f***ing butter". FML

By Anonymous - 14/5/2009 17:13 - United States

31015

69968

Today, I had a conversation about how Victoria Beckham ate fruit salad for her birthday, as if it was an important subject. FML

By Anonymous - 19/4/2012 14:14 - Ireland - Dublin

8421

24745

Today, I woke up to my apartment filled with smoke, fire alarms blaring. My roommate set my kitchen on fire while making hot dogs. This is the fourth time this has happened. FML

By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 03:42 - Canada

30384

4654

Today, I was at my little girl's concert. She plays the clarinet, and in the middle of her solo, her phone started ringing. She decided to stop, check her phone, and continue playing. FML

By Aberrombie Blue - 18/4/2013 23:01 - United States - Durham

47770

14048

Today, my 12-year-old daughter informed me that she is eager to lose her virginity, "Because I don't want to be thrown into a volcano!" FML

By Anonymous - 17/11/2014 15:47 - United States - Rochester

36715

4046

Today, a cute guy asked for my phone number and I gladly gave it to him. I was feeling really good about myself for getting hit on by the star football player. That was until he called 8 times and left 5 messages. In 2 hours. FML

By WhoaThere - 18/12/2009 05:23 - United States

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9608

Today, I addressed my district manager as "Dude." FML

By goodbyepromotion - 30/8/2013 06:28 - United States - Dayton

20502

41745

Today, my therapist made me take a test to see what level my depression was at. There was a whole bunch of questions with multiple answers to choose from. One question was, "Do you find it harder to make decisions?" I couldn't decide which answer to pick. FML

By Decisions6 - 16/4/2020 05:00 - Denmark - Aarhus

Testing, testing, 1-2, 1-2

1405

228

Today, my 13-year-old daughter and I went to a tropical themed restaurant. She wanted a strawberry Daiquiri, so I asked the waitress for a virgin strawberry Daiquiri. My daughter then said, "But dad, I'm not a virgin." FML

By Anonymous - 11/7/2013 14:24 - United States

110478

13034

Today, with the cost of craft supplies that ended in a DIY fail, then a costume and overnight shipping, I have now spent $90 to obtain a $10 hat and vest for my daughter to play a cow in the school Christmas play. She will say "Moo" three times with 5 other cows before leaving the stage. FML

By Broke Mama - 24/12/2011 14:38 - United States

27613

7934

Today, at work, I brewed myself a fresh cup of coffee. I set the hot coffee onto my desk. My phone rang so I answered my coffee, spilling it all over my face and body. FML

By chris - 23/12/2009 18:42 - United States

13552

27988

Today, I was told that I was no longer being considered for the Prison Officer job I have been interviewed for, because a social media check showed I had liked a picture of drugs, so my character is inappropriate. I thought it was a picture of candy. I've never even tried weed. FML

By TooInnocent - 7/7/2016 17:44 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

10868

2180

Today, after being kicked out of my racist family, my boyfriend and I moved across the country to rent an apartment with my sister. My mother hates us so much she offered to buy my sister a new car to not take us in. FML

By beepbeep - 22/8/2018 03:30

3181

506

Today, I was in a parking lot looking for a spot, and after driving around for a long while I finally found one. A homeless man was taking a shit on it. FML

By jackpot - 9/5/2011 01:53 - Venezuela

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