Karma

Today, my dad asked to borrow some money off me, so I said okay. Later on, he told me he'll be using it to help divorce my mom. I pretty much just helped pay for my parents' divorce. FML

Serious times

Abuse

Innocent

By ThisGuy775 - 19/9/2011 04:41 - United States

31345

2960

Today, my ex, who I'm still in love with, emailed me. I thought she changed her mind about us, so I poured my heart out to her. She just wanted to let me know she has chlamydia, and advise me to go to the clinic. FML

By clinictime - 11/4/2012 23:05 - Canada - Okotoks

30383

4969

Today, my dad told me he had a present for me. It was his tooth, which he had pulled out a few minutes before. FML

By Anonymous - 8/6/2015 14:11 - United Kingdom

24887

2209

Today, I thought it would be funny to put some streamers on my bike handles, even though I knew they would probably be stolen fairly quickly. I went into a restaurant to eat, and when I came out both my wheels were gone, but at least the streamers were still there. FML

By SOMAgirl - 6/7/2010 09:16 - United States

32161

9065

Today, my father told all of us that he eloped with his girlfriend of two months. I am engaged to the woman's daughter, and have been engaged since before they met, but now my family is making fun of me for marrying my "sister". FML

By Anonymous - 7/9/2018 03:00 - United States - Anchorage

3429

144

Today, I got drunk at a party. I didn't want my parents to know, so I took out my phone, called my parents, and asked them not to tell them I'm drunk. FML

By SDCore - 12/2/2015 00:40 - United States - Glenview

20796

39715

Today, I told my boyfriend I was ovulating. He said he didn't want to have sex because he was afraid of getting eggs on his penis. He then compared it to having sex with a fish. FML

By journey_Jeanne - 8/12/2011 02:31 - United States

36843

5105

Today, my boyfriend, who hasn't shaved in a month, went to go shave. I was pretty excited since his beard was starting to make my face itch whenever we kissed. When he came out of the bathroom he had a handlebar mustache. FML

By Anonymous - 8/2/2010 06:58 - United States

33640

8942

Today, I let out a huge fart during a job interview. I was the one conducting the interview. FML

By Anonymous - 13/8/2015 01:18 - United States - Kingman

22300

5148

Today, I advised my daughter to not drink a Coke before bed. She smiled at me and reassured me that it could be balanced out with sleeping pills. I'm raising a future drug addict. FML

By hejdixjeln - 17/3/2013 10:25 - United States - Evanston

37886

7506

Today, my wife and I were having a fight, when she grabbed my car keys and threw them over into the neighbors overgrown junk yard. My car is a restored '59 Belvedere and the keys can't be replaced. I've been looking for hours and I still can't find them. FML

By ronnieG - 16/7/2013 16:06 - United States - Decatur

63210

8733

Today, my mom made me clean. I was dusting in the living room and heard gunshots outside the apartment. I dove on the floor and started crying and screaming. My mom walked in and informed me that the sound was her making popcorn. FML

By Chelsea - 21/4/2009 05:20 - United States

15618

70880

Today, I found out I have to give my father-in-law back the football tickets he gave me for my birthday. Why? His girlfriend decided she wanted to go. He didn't get me a different gift. FML

By Sal - 5/12/2011 06:57 - United States

29239

2473

Today, my friend and I went to a tacky-themed party. She was wearing orange faux snake stilettos. I commented, "Those are perfect for tonight, where'd you manage to find such hideous shoes?" It turns out she wears those shoes all the time, the color just matched her outfit. FML

By Noname - 2/3/2009 14:07 - United States

13570

44381

Today, my ex-boyfriend surprised me with a gorgeous, giant stuffed tiger as a belated birthday gift. I thought it was a lovely gesture until a friend told me she had thrown it in the dumpster behind our building this morning. FML

By Does this thought count? - 1/8/2014 00:17 - Canada - Toronto

39735

3869

Today, I received a friend request on Facebook from my biological father, who I have never met in my life. As I was scrolling through his hobbies and interests, I saw "Drinking," "Black women with big asses," and "Getting laid, lol." FML

By Anonymous - 25/5/2011 20:33 - Canada

52030

3953

Today, I had to go to the hospital to get blood taken. The nurse mentioned how pronounced and easy to see my veins are. I guess that explains why she missed five times in a row. I'm surprised my arm doesn't look like a heroin addict's right now. FML

By Anonymous - 27/7/2014 16:13 - United States - Rockville Centre

41310

3068

Today, I found out that my resume contained the word "masturbation" in the skills section, courtesy of a practical joke by my best friend. I have been using this CV unsuccessfully for over two months. FML

By Anonymous - 13/3/2012 12:51 - Netherlands

34807

8266

Today, my sister ran into my room unannounced while I was on webcam with a potential employer. Before I could react, she looked at my screen, said "Damn, he's fucking hot." and flashed him. FML

By justno - 29/6/2014 00:26 - Canada - Mississauga

58085

5251

Today, I found there was a 4 year old boy behind me on my flight. When I looked at him, he screamed playfully and hid. I decided to play tiger with him. While I was grinning like a tiger and trying to scratch him, he smashed a water bottle across my face. I now have a black eye. FML

By Plasticface - 14/5/2011 13:32 - United States

17049

37697

Today, my girlfriend sent her new boyfriend over to my place to break up with me for her. FML

By Anonymous - 12/12/2013 21:53 - New Zealand - Napier

54265

3490

Today, my boyfriend and I were planning how to spend the day together. When I suggested we start off with some fun in bed, then get some pizza and play his favorite video game, he sighed, "Can't we just go straight to gaming?" FML

By Anonymous - 22/4/2013 20:16 - United States

63897

8427

Today, my daughter had the words "Always classy, never trashy" tattooed across her lower back in crappy cursive lettering. She doesn't understand the irony. FML

By Anonymous - 15/12/2012 08:08 - United States - Redding

37079

3841

Today, my ex boyfriend got into a physical fight with the guy I've been casually seeing for 9 months. Afterwards, they had a beer, a long chat, and decided this was my fault and I wasn't worth the drama. FML

By what did I do? - 25/10/2013 11:54 - Australia - Sydney

48084

21323

Today, I finished working a week's overtime managing admin, stock, finances, and three members of staff. I realised that despite all my extra work, I actually earn less per hour than the students who only work on the weekends. FML

By ovawerkrd - 16/1/2011 17:30 - United Kingdom

25864

2725

Today, my sister is working on her graduation speech. She gives her thanks to one friend for helping support her through school, like, "The sister I never had". FML

By onlychild - 12/4/2014 06:22 - United States

41183

4510

Today, I entered my first professional fight as a mixed martial artist. It's been my dream to become a UFC champion one day. All I do is train and watch UFC fights all day. I was out cold in a matter of seconds. FML

By yeah - 22/6/2012 03:07 - United States

14686

27627

Today, I realized that I broke up with a man that loved me and was great in bed but was afraid of commitment, to be with a man that loves me, that is great in bed, and wants to be with me forever. So what's the problem? Now that we are committed, he won't get it on with me anymore. FML

By OnlyMe - 8/10/2009 15:29 - United States

10575

23264

Today, marks three weeks since I started my new dream job. It also marks the second time this week alone that I've clogged the toilet in the restroom. I'm almost 100% sure all my coworkers know it was me. FML

By Alex - 1/3/2019 16:00

1893

594

Today, I was trying on some clothes in the store's changing room, when someone reached under the door and grabbed my purse, shoes, and pants. FML

By Gitana - 22/4/2012 19:08 - Spain - Tafalla

28786

3099

Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML

By xBubbles38 - 18/7/2011 15:17 - United States

43801

6247

Today, I thought I'd be safe by looking before crossing a one way street unlike I normally do. Too bad I looked the wrong way and didn't see the car that hit me. FML

By Lackadaisical - 15/1/2010 00:01 - United States

10207

35510

Today, I had to tell McDonald's that my 11-year-old son thought it would be funny to take a dump in the urinal. I then had to clean it up. FML

By failedfather - 16/12/2013 16:34 - Australia - Ferntree Gully

41194

13754

Today, I woke up from celebrating my 29th birthday. I guess it's true that tolerance drops quickly as you age, because I stayed in and only drank a few beers with my husband and spent the entire day retching so hard I puked up blood. My partying days are definitely over. FML

By Anonymous - 3/11/2018 14:00

2367

369

Today, I had to explain to my 27 year-old sister why a stainless steel fork isn't a good toy for my 8 month-old baby. Twice. FML

By m0m - 4/3/2016 14:01 - Belgium - Brasschaat

20931

1584

Today, I was walking my new dog and saw this girl that I've had a crush on for months. When I approached her, I tried to look 'macho' with my dog. However my dog thought it would be more attractive to pee on my leg. FML

By chris - 9/6/2009 17:09 - United States

44778

10695

Today, I was sitting on a rather small, uncomfortable bean bag while my friend was sitting on a nice chair. She asked if I wanted to switch seats, not so I could be more comfortable, but because she thought I was too fat and that I would burst the bean bag. FML

By Anonymous - 7/10/2012 05:03 - Australia - Perth

22210

5068

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I have ever or would ever fake an orgasm. I assured him that I wouldn't, when he has actually never given me one. I didn't have the heart to tell him. FML

By ohyaknow - 30/9/2010 09:56 - United States

12944

37369

Today, I had to catch a shuttle bus. I awoke to the sound of a car horn. I ran out in my boxers and saw a bus take off down the road. I chased it, thinking I had missed my bus. I realized I hadn't only when I saw frightened kids in the back of the bus. FML

By militiousroflcopter - 1/3/2010 22:04 - United States

9235

23980