It&#039;s National Nurses Day! Here Are 15 FMLs About Nurses.

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Today, I'm so deprived of female attention that I got a hard-on when a nurse told me I have beautiful veins. FML

2. Yeesh.

By i fuckin love habaneros - United States - Charlottesville

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Today, I was volunteering at a local hospital. I was eagerly introducing myself to all the nurses, as I would be working with them all summer. It wasn't until I got home that I discovered the giant piece of lettuce stuck in my front teeth. So much for first impressions. FML

3. At least they won't forget you!

By nothing_nobody

14501

1933

Today, I took my AP US History exam. For some reason, my school let the school nurse proctor the exam. She read the instructions for the wrong test and told us to seal up our tests, despite having another section left in that book. She wouldn't listen to us when we tried to tell her. FML

4. Aren't they supposed to be smart?

By soccerswim20 - United States - Coatesville

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846

Today, while working for a hospital security company, I had to assist in restraining a male patient while the nurses put a catheter in him. All I will say is that it looked like a worm trying to swallow a straw. FML

5. Annnnd, thank you for that visual.

By Shock - United States - Littleton

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Today, I donated blood for the first time. It wasn't until I passed out on the ice during hockey practice that I remembered the nurse warning me not to do any type of exercise. FML

6. Listen to your nurses, people.

By ktm1313 - United States - Cleveland

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Today, I was at work and a lady came in with a cake - I work as a nurse in a pediatrics ward. While we were eating the cake, she told us she used her breast milk instead of normal milk. Now all of us nurses have to be tested. FML

7. But WHY?

By bunyipp - Australia - Macquarie Park

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428

Today, working as a CNA, my nurse convinced me that in order to collect a stool sample, you had to have the patient take a dump in your hand. I only found out he was kidding after I collected the sample. FML

8. Seems like your fault for believing that.

By poop hands - United States - Salt Lake City

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Today, is my first day as a student nurse. It was also the first day I learnt I was allergic to latex gloves. FML

9. Time to consider a new career.

By curiousminx - Australia - Morningside

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Today, during my shift as a vet nurse, I picked up a gorgeous cat for cuddles, only to discover it was covered with pee. And now I am too. I still have 4 hours of my shift. FML

10. Kitty nurse is officially job goals.

By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

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Today, I'm officially a week overdue. I went to the hospital, thinking I was in labor since I was in so much pain. Turns out it was just gas. The nurse couldn't hold back her look of pity as she told me this. FML

11. GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME.

By herestowaiting - United States - Detroit

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Today, a nurse berated me for not being able to lift my leg myself so she could put a cast on. My leg is broken in two places. FML

12. It seems like there may be something preventing you from being successful here.

By cerulean

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Today, at the doctor's, I dropped my pants and the attractive nurse assured me it was the biggest one she had ever seen. Unfortunately, she wasn't referring to my penis, she was, in fact referring to the huge haemorrhoid hanging out of my asshole. FML

13. What a let down.

By mind your own business - United Kingdom - Leeds

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1938

Today, on the way to class, I got distracted while watching some ducks and walked face- first into a concrete pole. I ended up with a black eye and three stitches. Even the nurse laughed. FML

14. But were the ducks cute?

By duckyou

What the Duck?

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1307

Today, I was suspended for "selling drugs on campus". I was trying to give the school nurse approved medication for my severe epilepsy. I'm suspended for 3 weeks and have to go to a drug seminar. FML

15. Stop selling drugs, kids.

By why

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274

Today, I discovered a way to send a massive number of text messages to someone simultaneously, so I decided to do it to my friend as a prank. I quickly noticed that I forgot to disable the delivery notification feature. FML

By Nadine / Friday 4 May 2018 15:10 / France

FMLNews

And today, on Dr Phil…

The View

Always ask for documentation

By Jugan - France - Vaulx-milieu

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Today, I was feeling terrible and posted on Facebook about how I was stressed out and feeling really lonely. My sister replied saying "#fatfuckproblems". 13 people liked it and some so-called friends posted stuff like "rekt" and "SLAYED, bitch!", all in less than a minute. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Watonga

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Today, the lady running the pastry shop asked who I buy the second pastry for every day. I lied and told her that it's for a coworker. I eat them both. FML

By a fatty

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Today, my friend posted my picture on Craigslist under the "men seeking men" section. I got 16 replies with 2 hours. He then decided to post another picture of me under "men seeking women" to compare results. The only reply I got was from a man. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

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Today, I tried to charge my phone at school by removing the socket for the fan. All the computers in the room turned off. I accidentally removed the power cables for the computers and got suspended. FML

By JoshWontonDo - United Kingdom - London

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Today, my car key clicker wouldn't let me in. After a few frustrating minutes, I realized that, besides electronic capabilities, it's also an actual key that fits in a hole to unlock my door. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Instead of moaning like any normal person, he just kept saying stuff like "uh-huh," "not too bad," and "yup" in a complete monotone. It was probably the most uncomfortable experience of my life. FML

By awkward - United States - Yorba Linda

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Today, I found out that my father uses, "You eat poo for breakfast!" as a comeback during political arguments on Facebook. He’s 60. FML

By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 01:01 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Facebook political debates

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Today, I woke up to my step-mother taking a shower in my bathroom. Of course, this would be fine, if my bathroom wasn't connected to my room and closet, or that I live in an apartment in their back yard, built before she moved in. FML

By Anonymous - 1/9/2020 00:30 - United States - Savannah

Boundaries

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Today, after losing my job and being quarantined alone, I realized I've gained quite a bit of weight due to depression. I decided to do something about it and walk around my neighborhood. A group of teens followed me laughing and hurling insults until I cried. FML

By fatty fatfuck - 10/5/2020 17:00

You can't win

2099

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Today, I was hiding Easter eggs around the house when my 7-year-old triplets woke up from their nap and saw me. They quickly realized that I am the Easter Bunny, and then they guessed that I am Santa. Now I have 3 crying second graders. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

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Today, while going to work, I was mugged. On the way back, I was mugged. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, at 2:00 am, my neighbor discovered "What Does The Fox Say?" He loves it. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I was feeling super nervous about driving because I had my first accident the day before. As I stopped at a red light, I got rear-ended. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I discovered after 11 months, my girlfriend is finally ready to have sex. I discovered this by walking in on her and one of my friends. FML

By finallyready - United Kingdom - Birmingham

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Today, while I was making dinner, my husband argued that our new dog has intelligence issues, and we should give him away. I angrily defended the poor thing, and had almost won, until the dog walked over and licked the inside of the hot oven door. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Muncy

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Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in our relationship and it was great. He drove me back to my house and walked me to the door, then instead of kissing me goodbye he patted me on the back. Twice. FML

By petpeeeve - United States

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Today, a man wearing a Santa hat stumbled out of a bar, staggered over to my car, and vomited through the open window into my lap. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Romford

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Today, my 3-year-old daughter came along, pointing a finger at me. I pretended to eat it by putting it in my mouth. She then said to me with disgust, "Why are you eating my booger?" Ah, that explains the saltiness… FML

By ManchotDesAndes - France - Bezons

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Today, my lazy, obese mother took the last motor cart at the grocery store. My leg is in a cast. She told me to "use the shopping cart to help with the limp" as she rolled away. FML

By Anonymous

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Today, my mother is snoring so loud that I can still hear her with the door shut and with earplugs in. So much for sleep. FML

By daisythebunny1988 - 25/3/2020 05:15

Confinement is rough

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Today, I found out why my bank balance is so unusually low. It turns out that I bought a car in Indonesia. I've never been to Indonesia. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Burnham

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Today, my 18-year-old son got his first tattoo. I would have loved it, if it wasn't a text on his hand with a glaring spelling mistake in it. FML

By Tise81 - Netherlands - Drachten

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Today, I broke a nail at school. The edge kept getting caught on things, so I thought I could file it down by rubbing it on my jeans. Apparently it looked like I was doing something else, because I was called into the principal's office to discuss why "certain things" should be done in private. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I fell asleep in class... And woke up hour later. My teacher let me sit there till I woke up to see what my face would be like waking up to a new class. FML

By BERNDTOAST - United States - Dearborn

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Today, I hit a car while trying to park. Assuming that no one saw, I moved my car and parked somewhere else. Hours later I get a call from the university police. While backing up to go to the police station I hit another car. FML

By eyeleanify - United States

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Today, I was invited into a group chat on Skype. Everyone ignored everything I said, so I got pissed and started yelling at them. Then I realised my microphone wasn't plugged in right. FML

By Canuckster - Canada

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Today, the only one that became aroused while looking at me in my sexy Halloween costume was my dog. FML

By Shelly - United States

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Today, I was on a girls' trip in Las Vegas. I met a cute guy at a bar and we were going back to his hotel room together. On the way up, he asked me how much it would cost. FML

By Hooker - United States

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Today, my boyfriend got off for real for the first time during sex. Apparently, he's been faking it for the past two months. I didn't even know guys could do that. FML

By anonymous - United States

19908

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Today, I was playing with my 2-year-old Siberian Husky, when she figured that since she couldn't get to my hand, she'd try to bite me in the genitals. She was successful. FML

By buccaneer - United States - Piscataway

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Today, after complaining to the administration about my roommate, I finally got switched. As I went into the room to meet my new roommate, I found out he was my old roommate's brother. They are exactly the same, and I'm not allowed to switch again. FML

By mylifesuckssomuch3214 - United States

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Today I woke up feeling good and ready for my online business class final, only to find that it had somehow been submitted and graded with a zero. FML

By Binks - 26/10/2020 12:01 - United States - Charleston

Ghosts!

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Today, my mom asked if I was seeing anyone. I launched into a description of my girlfriend, only for her to interrupt, saying that she meant a therapist, and the fact that I'd just made up a relationship was further proof that I needed one. I really do have a girlfriend. FML

By lovingpsychosis - United Kingdom

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Today, I woke up to 6 missed calls. I called back to find a woman asking how I know her boyfriend after seeing our texts. I told her he's been my boyfriend for 4 months, and she told me he's been hers for over a year. He vehemently denied knowing who I am as I spoke, even with obvious proof. FML

By I knew it! - United States - Washington

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Today, was the first day my grandma has seen me since I started going to tanning beds. She is now considering taking me out of her will because I look like "a damn Indian". FML

By kirstyrd - United States - Germfask

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Today, when my ex said he wanted to be friends, what he meant was that he wanted me to help him hook up with 18-year-olds. FML

By boyBYE - United States - Pleasant Grove

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Today, I was trying to take the cap off a can of spray cooking oil. It was really stuck so I pulled extra hard. It flew off and I punched myself in the head. I also sprayed myself in the eye with it. The lump on my forehead and my swollen shut eye make me look like Popeye, but I'm a girl. FML

By popeye - United States

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Today, I noticed quite a few scars on one of my coworker's legs. I pulled her aside and told her that self-harm was never the answer, and if she needed to talk I was always there. Turns out she's just clumsy and trips a lot. FML

By CyberPsycho - United States - Nashville

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Today, I was walking to school with my earphones in, when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I was shocked, and whirled around to hit him in the crotch. I soon realized he was just trying to return the commuter pass I'd dropped at the station. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Metairie

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