It&#039;s National Nurses Day! Here Are 15 FMLs About Nurses.

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Today, I'm so deprived of female attention that I got a hard-on when a nurse told me I have beautiful veins. FML

2. Yeesh.

By i fuckin love habaneros - 22/7/2016 19:19 - United States - Charlottesville

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Today, I was volunteering at a local hospital. I was eagerly introducing myself to all the nurses, as I would be working with them all summer. It wasn't until I got home that I discovered the giant piece of lettuce stuck in my front teeth. So much for first impressions. FML

3. At least they won't forget you!

By nothing_nobody - 23/6/2016 01:31

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Today, I took my AP US History exam. For some reason, my school let the school nurse proctor the exam. She read the instructions for the wrong test and told us to seal up our tests, despite having another section left in that book. She wouldn't listen to us when we tried to tell her. FML

4. Aren't they supposed to be smart?

By soccerswim20 - 19/5/2016 00:46 - United States - Coatesville

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Today, while working for a hospital security company, I had to assist in restraining a male patient while the nurses put a catheter in him. All I will say is that it looked like a worm trying to swallow a straw. FML

5. Annnnd, thank you for that visual.

By Shock - 21/3/2016 20:12 - United States - Littleton

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Today, I donated blood for the first time. It wasn't until I passed out on the ice during hockey practice that I remembered the nurse warning me not to do any type of exercise. FML

6. Listen to your nurses, people.

By ktm1313 - 26/1/2016 21:38 - United States - Cleveland

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Today, I was at work and a lady came in with a cake - I work as a nurse in a pediatrics ward. While we were eating the cake, she told us she used her breast milk instead of normal milk. Now all of us nurses have to be tested. FML

7. But WHY?

By bunyipp - 23/9/2017 04:00 - Australia - Macquarie Park

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Today, working as a CNA, my nurse convinced me that in order to collect a stool sample, you had to have the patient take a dump in your hand. I only found out he was kidding after I collected the sample. FML

8. Seems like your fault for believing that.

By poop hands - 20/12/2016 03:50 - United States - Salt Lake City

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Today, is my first day as a student nurse. It was also the first day I learnt I was allergic to latex gloves. FML

9. Time to consider a new career.

By curiousminx - 6/12/2016 02:32 - Australia - Morningside

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Today, during my shift as a vet nurse, I picked up a gorgeous cat for cuddles, only to discover it was covered with pee. And now I am too. I still have 4 hours of my shift. FML

10. Kitty nurse is officially job goals.

By Anonymous - 19/10/2016 10:54 - Australia - Brisbane

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Today, I'm officially a week overdue. I went to the hospital, thinking I was in labor since I was in so much pain. Turns out it was just gas. The nurse couldn't hold back her look of pity as she told me this. FML

11. GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME.

By herestowaiting - 30/8/2016 20:56 - United States - Detroit

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Today, a nurse berated me for not being able to lift my leg myself so she could put a cast on. My leg is broken in two places. FML

12. It seems like there may be something preventing you from being successful here.

By cerulean - 10/10/2017 01:30

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Today, at the doctor's, I dropped my pants and the attractive nurse assured me it was the biggest one she had ever seen. Unfortunately, she wasn't referring to my penis, she was, in fact referring to the huge haemorrhoid hanging out of my asshole. FML

13. What a let down.

By mind your own business - 5/10/2017 06:00 - United Kingdom - Leeds

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Today, on the way to class, I got distracted while watching some ducks and walked face- first into a concrete pole. I ended up with a black eye and three stitches. Even the nurse laughed. FML

14. But were the ducks cute?

By duckyou - 2/4/2018 01:30

What the Duck?

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Today, I was suspended for "selling drugs on campus". I was trying to give the school nurse approved medication for my severe epilepsy. I'm suspended for 3 weeks and have to go to a drug seminar. FML

15. Stop selling drugs, kids.

By why - 20/1/2018 15:00

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Today, my aunt drove to my house and screamed at me for skateboarding in her driveway and denting her car. She then ransacked my room for said skateboard so she could break it in half. My aunt lives 4 hours away. I don't own a skateboard. FML

By Nadine / Friday 4 May 2018 15:10 / France

FMLNews

Dangling modifier

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Insane parents

By Dalistair - 23/5/2013 23:25 - United States - High Point

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Today, I cleaned out the fridge for my mother. I didn't throw out a single thing that was less than a month past its expiration. Instead of thanks, she complained about everything that I threw away being still good, including a tub of butter that had been expired for two years. FML

By AngrySon - 29/9/2011 01:12 - United States

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Today, I got a parking ticket for parking in my neighbors' parking spot. I parked there because my neighbors were parked in my parking spot. FML

By carssuck - 2/2/2012 10:28 - United States

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Today, I found out that my hearing is average for a 60-year-old. I'm 30. FML

By Anonymous - 23/7/2020 05:00

What?

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Today, while I was driving, there was a high speed car chase. The runaway managed to avoid my car but the police didn't. FML

By pampa31 - 14/12/2015 17:21 - Mexico - Tijuana

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Today I went to the bus station to pick up a lost phone. Even after calling ahead the day before, I was turned away because I hadn't e-mailed. The website says to call and doesn't list an e-mail. I still don't have the phone. FML

By bureaucracy - 29/1/2017 13:00 - United States - Bellingham

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Today, my 16-year-old son broke two of his fingers playing with Play-Doh. FML

By Anonymous - 19/6/2013 16:12 - United States - Brooklyn

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Today, my doctor told me I should consider a breast reduction. I'm a man. FML

By anonymous - 12/5/2011 02:20

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Today, I got out of the wrong side of the bed. Into a wall. FML

By Nick - 27/11/2009 10:11 - United Kingdom

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Today, while doing a project on income, my teacher told me there are no houses in Japan. I told her I lived in Mitaka for 3 years and that I lived in a house there. She told me I was bullshitting. So much for quality education. FML

By Anonymous - 28/2/2017 14:00

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Today, to scare my little brother I dressed up as the killer from the Scream movies. The outfit was a little too long on me, and I ended up falling down the stairs. Not only was he doubled over laughing, but so were the people in the emergency room. FML

By fieldmarshalclitter - 1/12/2012 20:21 - United States

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Today, I'm stuck in a taxi cab while the driver listens to a radio show about sex fetishes. Can't wait to look him in the eye as I pay him. FML

By jojolee68 - 28/2/2015 19:53 - United States

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Today, my family and I are sitting in our house while Hurricane Sandy is going on. My grandma is freaking out because she believes it's our recently deceased dog Sandy getting revenge for putting her to sleep and getting a new dog. FML

By With_Love929 - 29/10/2012 21:45 - United States - Staten Island

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Today, I heard a knock on my door and, thinking it was my student adviser, opened it. I was greeted by a drunk girl, who pushed her way into my dorm room, informed me that she lived here last year, and then told me that she lost her virginity in my bed. FML

By CollegeFreshman - 11/9/2009 04:20 - United States

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Today, I was rejected by a company I applied to. When I was writing my application, I spent so much time on their website researching that the ads on my browser are almost all for their products. It's like getting rejected again with every click. FML

By heartfelt - 2/8/2014 03:23 - Sweden - Uppsala

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Today, I farted while asking a girl out to dinner. FML

By fart - 27/11/2014 15:13 - United States - Houghton Lake

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Today, a car backfired as I waited for my bus and I screamed, thinking I'd been shot. The only thing more humiliating than that was the pissy underwear I had to go back home to change out of. FML

By AV - 30/1/2016 10:30 - Bulgaria - Tsaratsovo

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Today, I got a mass text message from a friend saying she's sorry she can't meet up with our group of friends for drinks because she's busy tonight. This is the first I've heard of any bar-crawling. FML

By Anonymous - 25/8/2011 18:21 - United States

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Today, I flashed my boobs at my boyfriend's boss. My boyfriend was wearing tan pants and a black sweater. His boss was wearing black pants and a tan sweater. From 100 feet away they looked the same until my boyfriend came behind me wanting to know what I was doing. FML

By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 17:33 - United States

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Today, I had trouble carrying a box upstairs because my arms were sore from working out. My mom asked me, "Why are you working out so much then?" I didn't have the heart to tell her it was because of her 100-pound weight gain and that I didn't want to end up looking like her. FML

By jogginglikeitsmyjob - 31/7/2014 11:51 - United States - Boston

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Today, I was at the Apple Store taking random pictures of myself. I took one with a really stupid face. This girl passes by and says, "Wow, that's a cool effect! You look just like an alien!" I wasn't using any effects. It was a regular picture. FML

By sarah - 18/4/2009 20:46 - United States

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Today, after finally having the guts to confess to a guy I have liked for a year now and him saying he also likes me and then asking me out, I went out of my way and traveled 4 hours to meet him. He didn't show up and never apologized. I never heard anything from him. FML

By Anonymous - 7/1/2020 01:00

Still alive?

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Today, I was in line at the grocery store with my 3-year-old son. He was holding a tub of yogurt that had on it a cow wearing sunglasses. He shouted, "Mommy, look at the fat cow with the sunglasses on!" To my horror, the obese woman in front of us turned around. She was wearing sunglasses. FML

By annonymous - 30/11/2009 18:59 - United States

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Today, I found out that the man I've wanted to be with for the last year and a half also wants to be with me. Two weeks ago, I got a promotion! I'm also legally no longer allowed to date him. FML

By - 6/2/2019 02:00

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Today, I went over to my boyfriend's apartment and I smelled a delicious aroma as I walked in so I asked him what he was cooking. His response was, "I'm not cooking anything. I just farted." FML

By fartlover - 27/11/2009 05:10 - Canada

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Today, my cat pooped on the floor. After cleaning it up, I’m fairly certain it was not my cat but instead my roommate, who I also suspect is pooping in the litter box. FML

By peevedMcGee - 23/11/2018 17:30

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Today, on WhatsApp, I jokingly said, "I have been a naughty furry, I need spanking" in a group chat with all my friends. They had a good time laughing their asses off, not only because of the text, but because I put it in a group that included my boss and all of my colleagues. FML

By Anonymous - 23/12/2016 12:09 - Netherlands

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Today, while volunteering at a local homeless shelter, I asked the woman next to me how long she'd been homeless. She works there. FML

By HomelessGirl1 - 21/5/2012 05:28 - United States - Las Vegas

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Today, I learned that when your gas nozzle does not automatically stop by itself the way its supposed to, they will continue to charge your credit card as the gas overflows out of your tank until someone notices and yells "turn the gas off". FML

By haytia22 - 24/7/2009 05:01 - United States

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Today, I sprained my ankle at dance class. No, I was not dancing when I did it. I was trying to step off on a small mat so I could go home. FML

By IvyBlackeyes - 29/8/2018 01:30

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Today, I went to a local take-away and ordered a pizza. I watched the worker get my pizza out the oven, then wipe the pizza cutter on the trash bin to get rid of the last pizza's toppings, and then cut my pizza. FML

By extraflavour - 23/12/2009 20:24 - United Kingdom

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Today, instead of reaching for some unhealthy food, I tried to eat some dates instead. It was all fine until I bit one in half and saw a rather large, squirming maggot inside. FML

By Anonymous - 10/2/2016 18:36 - United States - Milford

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Today, we were doing research on contraceptives in class. Afterwards, the girl next to me starts explaining how "cringey" and "grossed out" she gets when she sees/hears "the words for the private parts." She then tells me all about her getting her period that morning in explicit detail. FML

By howdoesthatmakesense - 2/5/2016 20:05 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I failed a basic intelligence test when the mouse trap I was setting up snapped on my thumb. Later, when I checked the trap I saw that the mouse had managed to lick all the bait off the trap without being caught, I have a sore thumb and was outsmarted by a rodent. FML

By Trapped - 10/6/2009 08:13 - Australia

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Today, while driving home, some idiot kept tailgating me, so I slowed down, hoping he'd overtake me. He didn't, so I pulled to the side of the road. He did the same, in front of me. He kept toying with me until I crashed into another car trying to speed away from him. FML

By Anonymous - 23/5/2014 22:06 - Canada - Oakville

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Today, I came home to a half-shaved dog and a laughing third grader. FML

By Anonymoose - 29/9/2014 03:00 - United States - Indianapolis

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Today, I went camping with my girlfriend and best friend. They are now having blood-curdling sex in our tent. My friend is also my ride home. FML

By Username - 19/6/2011 18:08 - United States

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Today, I was working the night shift when a guy came in smelling like alcohol. He kept muttering his order, so I leaned over the register to hear him better. My ear now smells of vomit. FML

By ihatethisjob - 27/9/2013 08:18 - United States - Romulus

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Today, my mom told me she spent $760 on "quantum pendants" that "produce scalar energy that helps to enhance the body’s biofield." When I told her she got scammed, she denied it and yelled at me. Best part? She frequently lectures me about how I waste my money and spend irresponsibly. FML

By Anonymous - 26/3/2009 05:06 - Canada

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Today, I was ordering food at McDonalds when a condom fell out and onto the counter. The server looked at me funny before my friend turned around and said, "It's okay, he's never going to use it." FML

By ThePidgeon - 19/10/2009 18:36 - United Kingdom

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