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How To Bag A Geek

Ladies, sometimes in life you need to lower your expectations. You're close to (or already in) your thirties; your hormones are screaming out, you're ready to procreate, and yet you're still single? You need a man. Once you're in this particular age...
By Cecile Flechon, French Journalist @kamacess / Saturday 9 April 2011 19:25 /

Ladies, sometimes in life you need to lower your expectations. You're close to (or already in) your thirties; your hormones are screaming out, you're ready to procreate, and yet you're still single? You need a man.

Once you're in this particular age group, you need to stop deluding yourself. You'll have to pick someone from one of two categories:

- the damaged, who's just realized after a 7 year relationship with his high-school sweetheart that she was cheating on him all along with his best friend. Which sucks. He's lost all faith in love and will soon start collecting rifles or develop Klismaphilia.

- the geek. However, I'm not talking about guys with an iPhone, who kick ass at Plants vs Zombies (they're just naive hipsters). I'm talking about a real geek, with a scraggly mess of hair, poor home-furnishing organised around network cables and RAM strips, and who - his mother excluded - talks to two girls a month, and that's when it's time to grab some food like frozen pizza/coke/noodles at the convenience store. The single and rather cute geek is a relatively untapped resource and somewhat neglected, so GO FOR IT GALS.

I won't go over the benefits of having a geek as a boyfriend and father, nor how to get one; it's all been done before. Instead, I'll give you a surefire guide on how to bag one of these shy boys and get him to do the previously implausible: try to hit on you in a clumsy but cute way.

              illustration by @toadscroack

 

1. Intro: using the network to get your net (to) work

You're used to using your skills on regular guys, and you don't go in for the kill until you've found out as much as you can about your target via Facebook. Unfortunately, the geek may have a rebellious streak (he may be really into being a private and untraceable fellow), and may not have signed up for an account. Your target nevertheless surely runs a blog, or has a Twitter account. Between two notes/rants on downloading regulations, or his last discovery on 4chan, you might find some precious information on him, his tastes, or his "world", as they'd say on American Idol.

2. Talk to me nerdy

You'll score big by talking to him. Remember: what's rare is priceless. But be careful, mistakes are easy to make. The geek values intelligence, even if he doesn't have much himself. He tends to put every girl into the same category: "mammal whose main activity is manicures, shopping, food, interior design, candy-pink themes, culture, Dan Brown and Twilight." Avoid these subjects. For the subjects that matter, check out the footnote. Don't forget to be funny. Geeks have a sense of humor too.

3. Be fully aware of geek culture

As you may know, there is a geek culture. Believe it or not, these people have read a lot in their lives, which might be difficult to believe due to the time they spend on their computers. Luckily for you, this likely took place when they were teenagers and had the time to do so, and these key books are still barely out of reach. After reading the first chapter of Foundation (Asimov), The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams, thin and cheap) or Dune, you'll be able to get to the fabled "someone I can talk to" status. One sort of nail polish is enough; let me remind you that the goal here is to create the conditions for inseminating intercourse, not talk all night. An afternoon in your local library will do it. If you don't have a library nearby, tell him that your favorite books when you were 12 were part of a thrilling fantasy adventure saga in which YOU are the hero.

4. Now play

Realize that geeks are just kids in adult bodies. In my opinion, a quality geek uses a PC, but let me remind you that you are looking for motherhood here. Don't be too picky, and just be content with someone who likes his games if need be, especially if he's a bit hot. It would be a good idea to get some facts about his equipment and memorise some key names. Especially some battle games that you can play together. Picture this: "So you have a X-Box? D'you think you’ll kick my ass at Soul Calibur?" Followed by a giggle and it’s in da pocket.

5. Mind your appearance

Just a small reminder: the geek is a shy and sensitive being. On the other hand, he's got used to the idea of ending up a long-term bachelor, or with a fat and hairy girl. So, you need to be feminine, but at the same time accessible. Choose between the low-cut top and the skirt, and forget about excessive makeup. Be the girl next door; fresh and smiley. No matter what, you'll never be as hot as Seung Mina.

6. Have a chainmail

The chainmail reveals two things. First, maybe once, you were been involved in a LARP (Live Action Role Playing, a kind of fancy-dress gathering of geeks), then you're ready to fight against a zombie attack. In other words, you’re ready to rumble AND you have strong practical sense, meaning you're the perfect woman, worth propagating his genetic heritage.

7. Use Sed to get him to concede

A perfect way to communicate with a geek is via IM. I'll give you my secret weapon, which is like catnip to any geek (a real one, the kind who writes code). It's sed. One day, eventually, you'll make a typing error. Instead of rectifying immediately like normal people do, just type this:

s/[word to replace]/[replacement word]/

It doesn't seem like much - any first grader can do it - but the effect is just pure magic. In practice it looks like this:

>Tenfloril: I love pizza. What's your fav meal?

>Ursula78: I could kill for peking fuck

>Ursula78: s/fuck/duck/

>Tenfloril: BUT

>Tenfloril: BUT

>Tenfloril: BUT

>Tenfloril: Marry me.

The Digital Economy State Secretary and the Population Explosion Ministry sponsored this post. If it's a girl, you can call her Hillary.

 

Article taken from our friend Megaconnard's (Big Bastard) wonderful website!

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Top comments
By  APenguin  |  0

As someone who is a geek, I hope this is tounge in cheek and not just stupidity. If you pull any of this shit you're going to end up alone and miserable. Being fake and acting like you're into the same things just leads to a shitty relationship with no emotional attachment beyond fucking. Any geek worth being with will accept your hobbies just as much as you should accept his. You can watch your "pop idol" type shows and he can go read Linux forums. Any one following this guide deserves to be impregnated by dolphin rape. Violent, wet, dolphin rape.

By  0  |  3

Geeks hate posers.

Comments
By  mrahhhhh  |  17

Read the first few pages of Foundation? Ladies, there's an easier way. Just say that I, Robot the movie is a piece of junk compared to I, Robot, the short story collection. Guaranteed to work for any geek or your money back! Or at least it'd work for me. And OP: put some jokes here for use with the male band geek.

Reply
  ChibiKarr  |  3

Things for boys to say to girl band geeks: May I polish your brass? A good rubbing will do the trick. Oh baby, looking at you assembles my flute in no time flat. You look like you know how to handle a thick mallet. Want to play with mine? I have the girth of a bass drum mallet and the length of a drumstick! I'd like to bang you like my drumset. Tips for band geeks during sex: Remember, just like with a crescendo, the softer you start out, the more it appears as if you've done more than you really have. Also like a crescendo, don't stop right before the climatic finish. Even for breath. During the finale, it's not a fermata. Don't hold yourself there forever. Things to say during sex: Did that hurt? I'm sorry, my flute always seems to be sharp. Shall we go a pleasant Andante, or an exciting Vivace? Too fast? I'll be sure to rallentando. (Alt: "Sorry, I'm a drummer.")

By  0  |  3

Geeks hate posers.

By  APenguin  |  0

As someone who is a geek, I hope this is tounge in cheek and not just stupidity. If you pull any of this shit you're going to end up alone and miserable. Being fake and acting like you're into the same things just leads to a shitty relationship with no emotional attachment beyond fucking. Any geek worth being with will accept your hobbies just as much as you should accept his. You can watch your "pop idol" type shows and he can go read Linux forums. Any one following this guide deserves to be impregnated by dolphin rape. Violent, wet, dolphin rape.

Reply
  theSim1derful  |  2

I am 99% sure this is satirical. If not, I have no hope for humanity. Because it's assuming that a) all geeky guys are immature, introverted, insecure, socially retarded (and mostly insensitive) losers and b) all women are desperate, two-faced, scheming morons who have no real ability to converse intelligently and only care about makeup and nail polish. So yes, satire. Definitely.

Reply
  Egnar  |  19

Frankly, as someone who considers himself socially adjusted AND somebody who is completely nerdy I found this incredibly funny. Not because it's wrong, but, because in the back of my head I can see myself saying to a friend "dude she's a total keeper, we just had an hour long conversation about zombie killing!" That's not to say that the author, a geek himself is trying to say geeks are terrible people with no lives. Instead he's simply saying that there are certain things we [subconciously] give a girl extra points for, regardless of our social lives. I work in an atheletic field [karate] with a degree in an althetic field [personal training] and supplement it with a part-time job on the side for extra money [security]. I go out at night to the bars and meet girls just like anybody else and talk about sports, current events, whatever was on tv and my upcoming vacation. I enjoy bacon and value grilling just as much as the next guy. However, of a girl came up to me and succesfully held her own in a conversation about a Nintendo franchised video game [Link, Metroid, Mario], built her own pc or read any number of sci-fi series that I had read in High School [as mentioned] she'd be referred to as a "keeper" between myself and friends. Not because I'm looking for a super nerd to procreate with, but, because it's nice to share some interests. The article is tongue-in-cheek, not every geeky guy is looking for that kind of thing, but, subconciously most of us do see ourselves saying those things in the back of our mind to a MUCH LESSER degree, which is why it's funny.

Reply

Well, I'm a band nerd. I don't think it's fair that even THIS website categorizes our hobbies into geek category. 70% of my school's band kids are cheerleaders. So I agree with you. But not dolphin rape because dolphins don't like violence. Maybe it should be like seal rape or something like that? But yes they should get raped by underwater creatures.

By  NoOneLovesYou  |  13

This is quite frankly the poorest thing ever written. It's not funny, if that was what it was meant to be, and if anyone were to take this seriously they'd be promptly punched in the face by any self-respecting nerd/geek. It's almost borderline insulting, and I'm a female. If you want to be funny, don't act as though all nerds lack self-respect and would fuck any cheap whore that walks by them. Not cool. Not funny. Not entertaining at all. If you want to pick on nerd/geek culture, do it right next time.

Reply
  Chiaki_fml  |  0

In that case, op should have known basic things like how it's Seung Mina, not Seug Mina and how we still try to keep rules 1 and 2 of 4chan in effect, no matter how futile it may be.

Reply

I completely agree with your comment. I am a band nerd and just because I like playing an instrument doesn't mean that I'm going to be all like "OMG A GUYS HITTING ON ME" LETS HAVE SEX NOW. It's like "really?". Nobody does that except sluts.

Reply
  charvisioku  |  22

Oh calm the fuck down you damn fools. Have you ever heard the word "satire"? That's what this is. I'm absolutely amazed that anybody's offended by this... what on earth is the world coming to? Stop being so butt-hurt, it's pathetic.

Reply
  waspbr  |  4

I agreed, the distinction should be made between a geek (some one that harbours an obsession or very high knowledge of a trivial topic) and a nerd (a technically inclined person). Nerds may be geeks about something, but not every geek is necessarily a nerd. I often refer to people that know ungodly amounts of useless information about football and football players as football geeks.

By  FerroNeoBoron  |  0

I thought this was kind of weird and was mixed between nerds, geeks and dorks. Then I got to #7 and I lost it, I've actually had chats where I used the stream editor syntax.

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