Here Are This Week’s Top 10 Funniest Comments, And Then Some
10. Flag on the play!
Today, I finally got medication to deal with my seizures. I've had them since I was 5, but my mother had always believed I was faking it. When I seized during a basketball game, she actually came onto the court and lectured the referee for "humoring" me. FML
“I hope the ref called her out on what a terrible parent she is.”
9. As Confucius once said...
Today, at age 23, I met my absentee father. He went on about how much he missed me and wanted to know more about me. He then asked if I knew where he could get some good weed, and said he'd share it to make up for all the missed birthdays and Christmases. FML
“Well... Did you smoke up? The family that flies together... probably raids the fridge together too, I dunno”
8. Warning: darkness and cold have been known to cause FMLs.
Today, I walked into a room where my naked "best friend" had set up a romantic scene and attempted to kiss me. It turns out he believed we were in a relationship for the last year and told our entire school. I am 100% straight. This explains why I haven't been able to get laid in months. FML
“I swear to god, everything interesting seems to be happening in Anchorage lately.”
“It’s dark and cold up there right now”
“Do you work for Good Times? It’s one of their corporate phrases.”
“‘Welcome to Good Times, where the fat girls up front are nice.’ Sounds like a winning business slogan.”
6. It’s like rai-yi-aiiiiiiiiin
“Alanis Morissette would appreciate the irony here.”
5. The pineapple pizza conflict wages on.
Today, I was watching the news. Apparently a local pizza shop was shut down after pictures of a hundred cockroaches scuttling on the make table were posted online. In my hand was a slice of the pizza I had ordered there yesterday. FML
“A topping worst then pineapple, cockroach”
4. Oh hi, Stewie.
“Today, I started a new job with an established company, and even though I have two different pieces of paper from two different colleges, I still had to start in a beginner's position like almost everyone else. And, now my boss wants to connect with me to have some type of rapport, which surely wouldn't be forgotten when it comes time for a possible promotion, and his way of doing this is by fist bumping when I successfully complete a task. I'm just so above all of this though because I went to college. FML. That's you, that's what you sound like.”
3. So tired of these cheap, breakable potatoes.
“For $22 it should be unbreakable”
2. Easy shot.
Today, I finished filling the pages in my passport. Also today, my mom's cat urinated on my backpack, soaking my passport with rancid pee. I have visas that last 10 years and can't be moved to a new passport, so I have to keep this nostril-burning booklet. FML
“Looks like the passport just became a pissport!”
1. FML endorses these puns.
Today, my son told me he got a tattoo to honour our German heritage. The bloody fool got an eagle and swastika on his arm. I had to explain to a 20-year-old what WWII was. He’s now researching laser removal. Idiot. FML
“Seriously though, how could he Nazi the consequences of his tattoo?”
“There's the wrong way to get a tattoo, and then there is the Reich way.”
META COMMENT BONUS ROUND
“I guess you should start with that dude who thinks you’re his boyfriend though... He’ll end up naked and trying to kiss you before you know it!”
Today, I had another lucid dream. Like every time I lucid dream, I immediately started having tons of dream sex. That would've been fine if I hadn't been taking a nap on the living room couch in the middle of the day. The entire family heard my squirming and moaning and saw me nut my pants. FML
“Just tell me the dream wasn’t about bacon again“
Today, I went bowling with my family. When my brother went up to buy a drink refill, the guy at the counter kindly refilled it for free and told him that he thought I was pretty. My dad laughed and shouted, "Pretty ugly!" FML
“Well, he could’ve started a rant about homosexuals if that’s more to your liking..”
APPROPRIATE USERNAME AWARD
Today, while in the hospital recovering from surgery, I got into a fight with my wife. Apparently, she feels that I shouldn’t have gone to the hospital because “Funerals cost less than surgery.” She brought an extremely detailed spreadsheet to prove it. FML
“Marriedtoajew? Dude, your wife sucks, but anti-Semitism isn't cool either.”
“that is what we call a joke.”