Here Are The Top 12 Comments Of The Week!
12. * moustache bristles ominously *
Today, I realized that I have an odd habit of plucking the tiny white hairs on my upper lip when I am overly stressed. But only the right side. I noticed when examining my face and seeing they'd all come back black. I've got half a mustache. I'm female. FML
"I mustache you to cut it out immediately." -bluhbluhbluh
"It's a perfectly understandable response. After all, who among us hasn't picked up the nearest person and hurled them down the stairs upon being startled?" -Dave_Davington
10. Take notes, people.
"Never trust the airlines with things that are critical to survival: that’s why I wrap my charging cords around my arms and legs when I fly. TSA doesn’t like it, but fuck ‘em, I’d rather be waterboarded than let my iPhone get below 70% charge!" -RichardPencil
9. Share the love.
Today, I found out why my husband is suddenly uninterested in sex. Apparently one of the secretaries at work has finally turned 18, and it's pretty much an open secret among his coworkers that they fuck anywhere from 2 to 5 times a day. FML
"Maybe your husband just needs a hug ... in the face ... with a chair." -acmariner99
8. Makes sense.
Today, our 6-month-old is finally sleeping through the night. We thought we'd finally get a good night sleep ourselves, until my dumb husband fell asleep with the tv on and our 5-year-old ended up watching Saw 3 by herself. Now the 5-year-old wakes up with nightmares. FML
"I thought kids were supposed to see-saw?" -Leeono
7. I see what you did there...
Today, I gave a speech at a charity fundraiser. I didn't realize how close I was standing to the fan, which automatically went on. As soon as I said, "this is why you should pledge," my dress flew up. I then learned how quickly phones can take pictures and emails of my underwear can be sent. FML
"I'm sure they were blown away. Did the speech leave you winded?" -Linda Mau
Today, someone stole my fence and my bulldog got out. I had to go look for her yelling her name in the street. When I found her and brought her back home, she peed in the house as revenge for me not letting her play with the terrified old couple. FML
"Did the person who stole your fence take it to a fence afterwards much to your offence?" -Glowworm56
5. Well said!
"With frenulems like that who needs frenemies?" -TheSminty1
" Ah! I got firework in my eye again!" -Late For Breakfast
Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that felt like a spider with a million legs. I've never leapt out of bed so fast. When my partner shined a light on the bed, we discovered it was a cockroach. FML
"That is the type of roach you'd expect to try to enter you there." -PenguinPal3017
2. So special.
"Wow. The Chosen 5%. Must feel good being that rare." -LAUGHINGKOMODO
1. Do the worm.
"The early bird gets the worm. And its offspring." -BurnInDemonFire