Here Are The Top 10 Comments Of The Week!
10. Definitely not.
Today, my husband misheard me when I said I wanted a massage with sensual oils. He used essential oils instead. Essential oils are not meant to be used on the skin, trust me. My skin looks like a cross between sandpaper and pus-filled bubble wrap. FML
"So I’m guessing it essentially not sensual?" - acmariner99
9. Too bad.
Today, after taking a massive shit, I flushed the toilet and it clogged. It flooded to the brim and the shit came rising to the top. I didn't know what to do so I grabbed some toilet paper and picked it up, ran to my balcony, and launched it. It landed on my neighbor's car. FML
"Too bad there isn’t some kind of modern day rubber implement that you could use to create a vacuum seal in which to resolve this shitty situation. All while keeping your hands poo free." - poururheartout
8. The bees approve.
"Annnnd that's birth control for me, thanks OP!!" - whiskey'swino
6. Another one!
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. When she saw the ring, she got so excited that she ran to kiss me and it flew out of my hand, over the balcony of our suite, and fell roughly 45 stories straight down. I could feel my wallet screaming as a £4000 diamond vanished into the night. FML
"Hello darkness my old friend....
This ring of mine is yours again....
As I watched it slowly sinking...
The light of my ring was now fading...
And the mistake was planted in my brain...
Four thousand dollars erased...
Within the asphalt and silence..."
"Well you should have gotten the clue when the pizza was lovely" - melisssa87
4. Short and sweet.
Today, I couldn't help but laugh at my girlfriend because she always becomes paranoid when she's around cars. I found her reaction cute and told her that "there's nothing to worry about". A car ran over me two hours later. I'm in a hospital now. FML
"Carma." - RichardPencil
3. We'd rather burn in demon fire...
"Try new Mucus-flavored Hubba Bubba. Chew it on the bus, at work, or even while you're trying to get to second base with your girlfriend. And our patented new formula makes the flavor last 5x longer than any of our previous chewing gums. Look out for all our new flavors, including Pus, Blood, and Earwax. Find them all in the candy aisle, exclusively at Walmart." - BurnInDemonFire
2. That's some dad-level sass right there.
"Wow, that is amazing, a 15 year old cleaning their room." - kirby1964
1. ...but what if no one hears it?
Today, a bear dragged my neighbor's garbage across the street and stopped right in the middle of my front yard, where it proceeded to scatter the contents and have a feast. When it was finished, it took a massive dump on my lawn. FML
"I thought they only did that in the woods?" - Leeono
"No, you're thinking of the pope." - Dave_Davington
META COMMENT BONUS ROUND
(Someone's been keeping up with their FML News!)
"First his nose and now his colon? Whoever the big guy is, he's having a tough month trying to get all his parts back." - Cassandra Abna Splawn
That's all for this week!
Which one was your favorite?